Original subtitles

(Rick James' "Super Freak" plays)

CHRIS ROCK: Before I was a student at Tattaglia,

I had no idea what to expect from high school.

I thought it might be dangerous.

I thought it might be exciting.

* She's all right

* She's all right

* That's girl's all right with me *

* Yeah.

Damn, I could've lost an eye.

The classes that I thought

would be excitingwere boring.

Does anyone know what these are?

Reason her husband cries?

Beaver tails?

And the boring classes were even worse.

This semester,

we will explore the great books

of literature

from the 20th Century,

and you will write reports on these books

from the 20th Century.

You will turn them into me,

and I will read them,

and I will grade them.

My English teacher was like a sleeping pill in a skirt.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

After mere words failed to bore us to death,

Ms. Rivera unleashed her next weapon:

the boring assignment.

The first book you're gonna write a report on

is Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison.

It is the story of a man

who feels invisible in modern society.

She's putting me to sleep, and I'm in the future.

It's very exciting,

and some people find it stimulating

and inspiring.

How long do we have?

Until we finish the book,

or until the book finishes us!

It's due at the end of the week.

This is great-- Invisible Man.

It's about time we pay homage

to the revolutionaries.

Are you crazy? We have five days

to read this book and write a report.

I can't even get through the title without falling asleep.

Dude, you're looking at this all wrong.

That's what I said to Greg

when he saw his first Playboy centerfold.

No, I'm looking at this like I'll never get it done.

How are you looking at it?

Look at it like you're about

to make the best friend a guy can have: a book.

Greg felt that way until this happened.

What's it gonna be, Greg?

Me or Lord of the Rings?

Sorry, man.

Through the work of those great authors,

you can transport yourself back to a time

when things were simpler.

I wish I could be transported

to a time when I was actually awake.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find a way

to bring excitement to The Invisible Man.

Why don't you find him an invisible woman?

While I struggled with my English class,

my father struggled with home economics.

I think we need to raise Mr. Omar's rent.

Ooh, he's not going to like that.

You know how Mr. Omar is.

I don't care how he is.

You think I can tell that to the phone company?

"I-I'd love to pay, but you know how I am."

All I'm saying is, he's a good tenant.

I don't want to lose him.

If we lose the house,

we don't have to worry about losing a tenant.

I know that, but maybe we can look at some other areas.

What other areas, Rochelle?

What? You want me to knock over a bank?

Now you're thinking.

Get Peaches and Malvo, and rob a liquor store?

Look. I made up my mind.

I'm raising Mr. Omar's rent.

Well?

It's done.

What the hell?

What does it say?

It's from Mr. Omar.

It says, "Open the door."

Evening, Mr. Julius, Ms. Rochelle.

Hi, Mr. Omar.

Who's this?

I'm Mr. Randall.

He's the building inspector.

Building inspector?

After a careful inspection of Mr. Omar's apartment,

I've found the following violations. Violations?

And, to justify any rent increase,

you'll have to bring the cited items up to code.

Uh-huh. 'Cause I don't mind paying more rent,

but everything gotta be right. You know how I am.

"You will have to provide alternate accommodations

until said apartment is brought up to code."

What does that mean?

That means you have to find him a new place to stay.

What? Call me

for an approval inspection after the work is done.

And get your CO2 levels checked.

Get them checked.

We can't do all this, and put up Mr. Omar, too.

You should have thought about that

before you took that note upstairs.

Well, we could do most of the work ourselves,

and we could let him stay here, and we could cut down costs.

Stay here?

You got a better idea?

Yeah. Don't raise Mr. Omar's rent.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You didn't like that idea.

While my father read his code violations,

I decided to skip reading altogether.

All right. The Invisible Dog, The Invisible Mice, Shaft--

Ohh! How did that get in there?

All right.

One Nation Invisible,

Now You See 'Em, Now You Don't, Peek-a-boo--

That's cute. That's for kids. Hard To See...

Ah! The Invisible Man. Here you go.

So what made you think of this anyway, Chris?

Well, I remembered that Jaws was a book before a movie,

so I figured they made a movie out of The Invisible Man.

I wish they'd start making movies into books.

Popcorn getting expensive.

Right. Um, you guys mind if I watch this in here?

Yeah. Yeah. Go right ahead, man.

So who's in it anyway?

Probably Sidney Poitier.

Or Jim Brown... My man!

Jim Brown was actually the second choice to Sydney Poitier

for the lead in many roles,

including Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

After watching The Invisible Man,

I managed to do in a few hours

what it was taking Greg a few days to do.

So, how do you like the book so far? Oh, it was great.

I already turned in my report.

Already turned it in?

I'm only, like, halfway through the book.

I've never seen you crank out a book report this fast.

I didn't read the book.

I watched the movie.

What movie?

The Invisible Man.

You know, the guy drinks the serum, disappears.

Dude, the movie The Invisible Man

has absolutely nothing to do with the book Invisible Man.

I don't know what you wrote, but whatever it is,

you better hope Ms. Rivera doesn't read it.

Too bad I didn't write that paper in invisible ink!

While I was trying not to fail English,

my parents were trying not to fail inspection.

I said it.

I said, look in some other areas,

maybe trim a little here or there, but no!

No. Ole Truck Turner here had a better idea.

Rochelle...

It just burns me up

to think that we're up here working,

while he's downstairs in our house, chilling.

Oh, he's not that bad.

Not bad? Julius, in one night he managed to...

...drink all the Kool-Aid...

...file his toenails on my table...

...and keep me up half the night playing records.

(Marvin Gaye's "Gotta Give It Up" plays)

Okay, maybe he is a little nuisance.

Yeah, like cancer.

Rochelle, it's not like

you didn't have anything to do with it.

Every time I turn around, you're quitting another job.

Since when?

Since whenever.

I'm just saying,

I hope you like being at the beauty salon,

because if you find a job you really like,

maybe I wouldn't have to keep two jobs.

Oh! Oh, oh, wait a minute. So you're saying that you think I

use the fact that you have two jobs as a reason to quit a job?

I didn't say that.

But she did.

I do not need this. My man has two jobs.

I don't need this, man! My man has two jobs!

I do not need this, okay?

My man has two jobs!

Look. Let's just get this finished.

Fine.

Trying to blame all this on me.

... people to drop over.

Don't worry, dear.

Everything will turn out just fine.

Is that all you watch? The Munsters?

He watches The Addams Family, too.

Hey, what's not to love?

Lily? Now, that's a woman.

Shame her husband's already dead.

Can we watch something else? I'm bored.

Why don't you play a game? Play cards.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's play blackjack.

What you know about blackjack?

All you have to do is get 21.

Well, you know what makes that game really good?

What? Wagering.

Cool. You want to play?

Yeah. Can I deal?

Yeah.

Oh, hell, yeah.

After searching every class,

I figured Ms. Rivera could only be in one place--

the teachers' lounge.

Teachers may have been boring in class,

but the teachers' lounge was a whole other thing.

Kids. I hate these kids.

These damn kids.

Who needs them?

I guess I do.

Damn...

kids.

Chris,

what are you doing here?

I'm looking for Ms. Rivera. I need to talk to her.

This is the teacher's lounge. It's not for students.

Now, Ms. Morello! Oh! I'm up next!

Uh, Ms. Rivera.

I need to talk to you.

Chris.

Whoo!

I need to talk to you, too.

I need my book report back.

I need to change some things.

A little late for that.

Wait, this says "I."

That's because you didn't do

the assignment that I gave you.

You do realize

that the movie TheInvisible Man

has absolutely nothing to do with the book Invisible Man.

Yeah, I know that now, but why didn't you fail me?

Your take on the movie was insightful.

You captured the fun

and all the underlying allegorical parallels.

I did? I did?

We should go in the hallway.

Yeah, before I get a contact high.

Chris, you're a good writer.

That's why I gave you an incomplete.

You're going to have to read the book, though.

Why didn't you just do what I told you to do?

'Cause, if we're writing about the same story,

what difference does it make

whether I saw the movie or read the book?

Hey, I like movies, too.

In fact, one of my favorites is, uh, Rocky.

I love Rocky.

"I'll wait for you here."

"How about I wait here and you fight, huh?"

Do you remember "They call me Mr. Tibbs"?

In The Heat of The Night.

"What's your prediction for the fight?"

"Pain."

Rocky III. Rocky III.

See, if you love movies so much,

why can't we just write papers on those?

I'd get an "A" every time.

That's a good idea, Chris,

but I've been given a curriculum and I cannot deviate from that.

Well, the curriculum isn't working.

Half the class is asleep.

That was the year Congress passed No Child Left Awake.

I... don't like to make waves.

Besides, it wouldn't make any difference.

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Darth Vader.

I'm gonna go work on my paper.

Chris.

Yeah?

Let's do it.

Years later, those very same words

would send Mary Kay Letourneau to jail.

21.

You hit on 17?

What Mr. Omar didn't know was that when it came to numbers,

Drew was like my father.

Wow, that's 562,002 granules of sugar.

Wow, that's 357,000 raindrops.

Wow, that's one cupcake!

Two jacks!

I got 20.

I've got five. Hit me.

That's eight.

Hit me.

That's ten. Hit me.

That's fifteen.

Hit me.

19

Hit me.

Are there any face cards in the deck?

You'll see. That's 20.

Hit me.

Another ace?

21!

Tragic. Tragic! Yes!

Mr. Omar would like to hit him one more time.

Smell good?

Back in my class,

things were getting a little more exciting than I expected.

This was a great idea, Chris.

Thanks.

What is going on here?

Ms. Morello,

instead of writing reports about books like we usually do,

I thought I would switch it up by watching

movies based on books, and write about those.

Ms. Rivera, I don't know what they do in Puerto Rico,

but changing curriculum

is unacceptable.

I hope you realize this is a very serious offense.

You could lose your job.

¿Comprende?

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Dios mio! Where would you get such a ridiculous idea?

I didn't think Ms. Rivera had heat vision,

but I turned away to protect my eyes just in case.

Ms. Rivera took my idea to watch movies in class

and ended up getting the book thrown at her.

I hope she doesn't get into too much trouble.

I like Ms. Rivera.

You know, I knew this was gonna happen.

This is why I'm a conformist.

I don't see what the big deal is.

The idea is for us to learn. Who cares how we do it?

There he is. He's the one that inspired it all.

Inspired all of what?

Well, when I spoke to the superintendent

about what was going on in class,

I thought we would fire Ms. Rivera immediately

and have her deported,

but it turns out she's an American citizen!

I love what you've been doing and I really wanted to meet you.

Chris, she told us this was your idea.

Yeah, it kinda was.

Good job, young man.

I'm sure that your parents are very proud.

Why don't we get one with all of us?

Most black men can't make their inability to read work for them.

Tell that to 50 Cent.

Ms. Rivera,

you need to get in on this.

Oh, no, really. I'm not very photogenic.

No, no, no, I insist. Right this way.

There we are.

Back home, the inspector was making a list

and checking it once.

This was an inspection, not Christmas.

Everything's up to code.

So can you just sign off on this now?

Well, everything looks good except for one thing.

What? What?

This box,

it's one of the pre-1950 fuse boxes still in service.

City code requires that

be replaced by a code circuit-breaker panel.

We can't afford that.

Well, until that fuse box is replaced,

this apartment's uninhabitable.

You mean I can't move back into my place?

I got widows to see.

Well, unless you want them to die in an electrical fire,

that box has got to go.

So how long is this gonna take, man?

I'm sorry, but I don't have the money.

There's nothing I can do.

I guess you just have to stay with us until I get it.

Ms. Rivera, you left so fast, we didn't get a chance

to talk about today.

Isn't it great? They're gonna put

our picture in the newspaper.

I heard.

You don't seem happy about it.

Well, I just... I don't feel so well.

Oh. Well, what's all this?

Just... cleaning out the classroom.

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Chris...

Yeah?

"You still here?

It's over. Go home. Go."

Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

* When your love is gone away, it's a long good-bye *

Back at home, Mr. Omar was trying to get himself out

of what he got himself into.

What are you doing here? I thought you went back upstairs.

Drew, I was wondering if you could make me a little loan.

For what?

Well, it seems the only thing standing between me

getting back in my apartment is a new circuit-breaker panel,

but it costs $300 and neither me nor your father have the money.

True. I can loan you the money.

Turn around.

Thank goodness! I really appreciate this, Drew.

And it'll only cost you 12 easy payments of $30 a month.

But that's $360.

I know.

Drew went on to make a fortune selling sub-prime mortgages.

Please. Thank you.

Today we'll be reading Shakespeare's Othello.

It is the exciting story of black rage.

Where's Ms. Rivera?

She didn't show up today.

There he is!

Agent Barnes, FBI. We need to talk to you.

Are they mistaking me for Marion Barry?

What's all this?

Oh, I bought the breaker panel myself,

so it's not gonna cost you a penny.

That was music to my father's ears.

Looks good. You can move back in.

Oh, however,

I'm gonna take the cost of the panel

and deduct it from my rent.

Fine. That's fine, right?

(cash register clacking and dinging)

That means your rent'll be exactly what it is now.

I know.

Look, last time I saw Ms. Rivera,

she was loading things into her car.

She didn't tell me where she was going.

Name's not "Ms. Rivera." It's Karen Rodriguez.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

No, I didn't. What'd she do, anyway?

Did she sneak across the border?

The Puerto Rican border?

She embezzled a quarter of a million dollars

from the teachers' pension plan in Moab, Utah.

I'm not sure what's more shocking:

the fact that a teachers' pension plan had

a quarter of a million dollars

or that there was a Puerto Rican in Utah.

Chris.

That's how she hid herself in Utah.

Ms. Rivera?

She dressed like a Mormon.

It's Perez now. I wanted to say good-bye.

FBI agents were looking for you all over the school.

You didn't say anything, did you?

No.

Good. They've been chasing me for eight years.

Is it true what they say about you being a fugitive

and stealing all that money?

I didn't buy this car with trading stamps.

If you could, my father would have one.

If it wasn't for that article, they would have never found me.

Oh, well, I'm sorry for blowing your cover.

I had forgotten how exciting life could be,

and you reminded me of that.

Thanks, Chris.

You're welcome.

So where you going now?

I thought I'd go to Hollywood.

I'll fit right in.

See you in the movies, kid.

Well, once again, I learned a lesson.

I learned that movies can teach you

almost as much as books can,

but in the process, I lost the best teacher I ever had.

WOMAN: Today we will be reading about the wonders of air.

Are there any questions?

I didn't think so. Let's begin.

What was that for?

For making a boring class exciting, then boring again.

Thanks for nothing, Clubber.

* Everybody hates Chris.

* Ah, make it funky now