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Everybody Hates Chris #069
"Everybody Hates Homecoming"
Closed Captioned
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00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:06,274
CHRIS ROCK:
During football season
at Tattaglia,
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00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:10,211
there was nothing more
important than Homecoming Week.
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00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,545
Homecoming Dance?
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00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:12,813
What are you looking
at that for?
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00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,715
Just want to know
the date of the dance
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00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:17,185
so I can start acting like
I'm sick three days before.
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00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:18,619
It's a great excuse--
I'd use it,
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00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,554
but nobody cares whether
I'm there or not.
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00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:22,223
Why don't you
just go stag?
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00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:23,491
End up dancing
by myself?
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00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:24,792
I could do
that at home.
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00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:27,528
* I'll be dancing with myself
14
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,231
* Oh, I'll be dancing
with myself *
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00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:33,301
Would you go dance with
yourself someplace else?!
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00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:34,635
* Dancing with myself...
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00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:36,737
Chris...
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00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:39,073
I'd like you
to meet Jenise.
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00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:41,209
Hi. I just transferred in.
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00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,311
Jenise doesn't have
a date for the dance,
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00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,579
and since all the other
black men are taken...
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00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,115
By white women.
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00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,782
...I thought you two
might go together.
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00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,451
Well, anyway,
25
00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,586
I'll let Chris
lay his rap on you.
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00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:53,487
Peace.
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00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,456
I'm Audi 5000.
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00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:56,657
So, do you want to go?
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00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,493
Sure. I just don't want you
to feel like you have to go
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00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:00,661
'cause she set you up.
No, it's cool.
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00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:03,497
All you have to do is come by
so my parents can meet you.
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00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:05,466
If they like you, we can go.
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00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:06,500
That's cool.
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00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:07,801
That will go great,
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00:01:07,835 --> 00:01:09,503
because we all know--
everybody loves me.
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00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:10,771
So, I'll see you later.
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00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,609
Dude, you're going
to the Homecoming Dance?
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00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:18,746
I guess so.
Great. My life sucks,
and what do you do?
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00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:21,749
You make it suck worse.
What, do you want me
to stay at home
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00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:24,252
and have a sucky night, too,
so you can feel better?
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00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,819
Yeah. That's what
friends are for!
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00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:29,757
With friends like that,
who needs enemies?
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00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,638
* Ah, make it funky now.
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Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
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Since I was going
to the dance with Jenise,
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00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,595
I needed to cancel
a date with Doc's.
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00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,464
Drew, I need you to work my
shift Saturday night at Doc's.
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00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:11,565
He's already
taking your place
49
00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,401
working after school.
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00:02:13,434 --> 00:02:15,669
You need him to work
on weekends, too?
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00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:17,171
Oh, it's okay, Mom.
I could use the money.
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00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,539
Well, what do you have
to do anyway?
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00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:20,541
I have a date
to the Homecoming Dance.
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00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,610
TONYA:
A date
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00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:24,712
Nothing. Her name's Jenise,
and she lives in Park Slope.
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00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:25,846
ROCHELLE:
Park Slope?
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00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,448
That's expensive.
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00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,417
And she goes to your school?
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00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:30,651
I told you there was
something wrong with her.
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00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,253
She's retarded.
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00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:33,687
Your brother's date
is not retarded.
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00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,589
Well, she could be,
but there's different levels.
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00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:36,857
She could be a moron,
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00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,260
an imbecile,
an idiot or a cretin.
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00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,329
Morons have the highest IQ
of the mentally retarded,
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00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,696
so if something's
wrong with her,
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00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:43,731
you may not notice at first.
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00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:46,200
Like the first time
you watch Bill O'Reilly.
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00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,536
Why is it so hard
to believe I have a date
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00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:49,903
with a perfectly nice,
normal girl?
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00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,649
(screeching
laughter)
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00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,626
Hello
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00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:18,732
(speaking indistinctly,
laughter continues)
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00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:21,802
Oh... oh, stop.
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00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:22,670
Whew!
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00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:23,837
Whew!
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00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,639
You finished?
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00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,675
Yeah, yeah.
But you have to admit,
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00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,877
that was pretty funny.
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00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:31,645
ROCHELLE:
Oh, Drew
and Tonya,
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00:03:31,679 --> 00:03:33,714
y'all go get ready for bed.
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00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,449
Mm, mm, mm.
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00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:37,451
Anyway, all she said was that
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00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:38,652
I had to meet her parents,
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00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,521
and if they say it's okay,
then we can go.
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00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:41,689
What? Wait a minute, now.
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00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,791
Who are they to be
checking out my son?
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00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,426
I should be checking out
their daughter.
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00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:47,728
Who knows what kind of floozy
she might be?
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00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:48,896
I'd like to find out.
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00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,598
Since you're going
for an inspection,
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00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,566
make sure you make
a good impression.
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00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,801
If I could do impressions,
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00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:56,270
I'd still be
on Saturday Night Live.
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00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:57,638
Meanwhile,
I wasn't the only one
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00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:58,839
trying to impress a new girl.
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00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,709
* Mr. Telephone Man
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00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,612
* There's something wrong
with my line
99
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,914
* When I dial
my baby's number *
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00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,683
* I get a click every time...
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00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,685
That's good! I didn't know
you could sing like that.
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00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,387
Hey, Tonya.
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00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,955
Hey, Youngblood.
Where y'all going?
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00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:16,524
Oh, he's walking me home.
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00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:17,791
Check you out.
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00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:19,827
I heard you... singing.
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00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:21,662
Now you're walking
people home?
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00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:23,997
You're like a one-man
walking show.
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00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,499
All chivalrous.
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00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:26,900
You're like
Maurice Chevalier.
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00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,702
James was a rare combination
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00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:31,004
of French film buff and bug.
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Maybe I'll see you tomorrow.
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00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:35,042
Come on, man.
Where you going?
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00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:36,710
Don't leave. Let's sing.
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00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:39,380
You be Ralph Tresvant.
I'll be Bobby Brown.
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00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,714
Come on.
How come no one
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00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,750
ever wants to be Ronnie DeVoe?
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00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,017
What'd you do that for?
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00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,453
I liked you before he did.
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00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:46,820
How come I can't
walk you home?
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00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:49,323
Because I'm going by myself.
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00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:51,559
Meanwhile, Greg had gone
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00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:53,994
from bad to worse,
like America under Bush.
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00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,596
Greg, where you going?
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00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,698
I'm out of here.
I just don't fit in anymore.
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00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,066
I can't come back to this.
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00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,868
At the Bronx Academy,
I was somebody.
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00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:02,803
Yeah, you were the guy
who got kicked out.
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00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:04,372
I wouldn't expect you
to understand.
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00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,739
You're manager
of the football team.
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00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:07,541
You got a date
to the Homecoming Dance.
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00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,943
I'm just another reject.
Well, what are you
gonna do about it?
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00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,979
Join the army; they
don't reject anybody.
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00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,714
Rejected.
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00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:16,884
Sorry.
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00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,756
While Greg looked
for acceptance,
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00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,892
Doc looked for business.
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00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:27,528
Is all this stuff
past the expiration date?
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00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:31,532
Yeah. I remember back
when I couldn't keep
a shelf stocked.
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00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:32,866
:
I can't figure out
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00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,868
why people don't come
in here no more.
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00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,370
Because you don't sell crack.
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00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:38,606
Could be because there's
a negative flow of energy.
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00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,541
Or because you
don't sell crack.
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00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:41,875
What you talking about?
147
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,544
Feng shui-- it's
the Chinese practice
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00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:44,945
of achieving harmony
in one's environment
149
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,447
through the placement
of objects.
150
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,382
I think feng shui
is the reason
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00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,050
Mr. Fong's restaurant
is always so packed.
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00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:52,586
And because Mr. Fong
sells crack.
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00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:53,887
Feng shui, huh?
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00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:57,124
I thought I was gonna
have to sell crack.
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00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:58,959
Eh, what the hay.
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00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,061
Do your thing.
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00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:03,931
While Drew was setting up
to get some customers,
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00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:06,500
I was setting up
to meet the parents.
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00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:08,135
Wow, look at you.
160
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:11,639
Looking like that, my
parents might think I'm
not good enough for you.
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00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,040
I just don't want
anything to go wrong.
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00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,775
Then send someone else
in your place.
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00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:15,843
Everything'll be fine.
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00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,579
I'll meet you at my
house after school.
Cool.
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00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,885
What's your problem!
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00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:25,586
Oops. Sorry.
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00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,821
I forgot to say,
"Here, catch."
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00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:30,658
Well, at least it's chocolate.
It'll blend in.
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00:06:30,691 --> 00:06:32,893
I hope her family
likes chocolate.
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00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:40,468
*
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00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:54,482
:
What is all of this ringing
of the bells
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00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:57,918
while I am eating
the sweet potato pop?
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00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,920
Mmm.
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00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:05,593
(audience applause,
whooping, whistling)
175
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,961
Son, the homeless shelter's
around the corner.
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00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:11,131
No, I'm not homeless.
I'm Chris.
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00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:14,034
I'm taking Jenise
to the Homecoming Dance
this week at Tattaglia.
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00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,669
In that?
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00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,773
Jenise Huckstable!
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00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,676
Downstairs! Now!
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00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,845
Come in, son.
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00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:30,718
(audience applause,
whooping, whistling)
183
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,120
Oh, no!
Chris, what happened?
184
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,722
After we met
in the hallway,
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00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:37,558
this kid hit me with
a bowl of pudding.
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00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:38,892
Here, come sit down.
187
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:43,731
:
No, no, no,
don't sit down.
188
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:45,799
Just in case
that's not pudding.
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00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:49,937
Clint Huckstable,
what is wrong with you?
190
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,540
Oh, my Lord.
191
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:55,042
A motherless child.
192
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:58,178
He's not a motherless
child.
193
00:07:58,211 --> 00:08:00,013
That's Chris.
We met at school.
194
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,715
I got hit with a bowl
of pudding.
195
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:03,784
Blair, the boy
has been abused.
196
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,253
Well, I can take
your case.
197
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:08,021
I'm a lawyer, you know.
198
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,690
I am very accomplished.
199
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:11,024
Yes, and I would like
200
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,993
to accomplish something
with you later on,
201
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,695
:
if you know
what I mean.
202
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,163
BLAIR :
Stop it, Clint.
203
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:19,166
So, Chris, where
are you from?
204
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,934
Bed-Stuy.
Now, I heard
205
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,035
about that place.
206
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:24,004
I sent a boy to jail from there.
207
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:25,873
He was
208
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,307
selling something called crack.
209
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,810
All the babies from there
are on it.
210
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:33,080
Are you a crack baby?
211
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,915
No, sir.
212
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:35,949
Now, Chris,
213
00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,818
do you have a family?
214
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,120
Yeah, a mother, father,
sister, brother.
215
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:44,291
Are they crack people?
216
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,226
No, sir.
217
00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:48,261
What kind of law
does your mother practice?
218
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:50,530
She works in the beauty salon.
219
00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:53,934
And what does
your father do?
220
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,235
Oh, he has two jobs.
Oh, so
221
00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,004
he's a doctor and a lawyer.
222
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,006
No, he drives a truck
223
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,208
and does security part-time.
224
00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:06,279
I see.
225
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,281
Well, Chris,
226
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,951
much like your people
from Bed-Stuy,
227
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,721
our daughter here is a screwup.
228
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:17,224
Yeah, and instead
of wasting money
229
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,660
on a good private school,
230
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:22,830
we decided to teach her a lesson
and send her
231
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:25,032
to the Tattaglia public school.
232
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,167
And then she decided
to teach us a lesson
233
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,670
by bringing you home.
234
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:35,108
But we are not going
to penalize you
235
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,945
for her stupidity.
236
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,249
Chris, we have decided
237
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:45,252
to let you take
our daughter Jenise
238
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:48,989
to the Homecoming Dance.
239
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,057
(audience cheering
and applause)
240
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,358
CHRIS:
Thank you, sir.
241
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,962
You're welcome.
242
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:58,298
And we have this lovely
sweater here
243
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:02,169
so you have something
decent to wear.
244
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,104
Also...
245
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,239
this delicious box
246
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,241
of sweet potato pops.
247
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,347
While I was working
on the Huckstables,
248
00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:16,416
James was working
on Tonya's nerves.
249
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:21,054
Where's Jason? He was supposed
to meet me, not you.
250
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,023
You mean Maurice? I don't know.
But I know this much:
251
00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:24,892
If I was supposed to walk you
to school,
252
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,393
when you came out, I'd be there
253
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,796
even if somebody threatened me
with a tire iron.
254
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,263
She wishes she had a tire iron.
255
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,700
But I'll walk you, you know,
since he's not here.
256
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,434
I don't want you to walk me
to school.
257
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,402
Leave me alone.
258
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,738
That's how girls turned down
R. Kelly.
259
00:10:37,771 --> 00:10:41,709
While Tonya wanted to be alone,
Doc had plenty of company.
260
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:48,849
Wow, this feng shui thing
is something else.
261
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,818
Business hasn't
been this good
262
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:53,186
since they robbed
the food stamp truck.
263
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:55,055
What's this?
264
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,256
This is a money tree.
265
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:57,758
It'll bring you
good fortune.
266
00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:00,260
Looks like
it's working.
267
00:11:03,897 --> 00:11:05,132
Can I help you?
268
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,400
That's English for
"I don't speak Chinese."
269
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:10,470
Doc's business was
at an all-time high,
270
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,806
and Greg was at
an all-time low.
271
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,109
Greg, get up.
272
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:18,779
I mean, I know getting kicked
out of the Bronx Academy sucked,
273
00:11:18,812 --> 00:11:19,713
but things can work out.
274
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:20,647
Yeah, it's easy for you to say.
275
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,849
You're not the one
with the miserable life.
276
00:11:21,882 --> 00:11:27,254
What show have you been on
for the last three years?
277
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,790
Maybe you just need
to get involved
with something.
278
00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:30,791
Like what?
279
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:31,792
Like a shower.
280
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,727
I got an idea.
281
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,428
Your school mascot,
a sleeping fish.
282
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,965
What about it?
283
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:39,733
Well, they need a new guy.
284
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,168
The other guy quit.
285
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,103
So, what, you think me
running around the sidelines
286
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:46,373
at a football game
wearing a giant fish
suit's gonna help me?
287
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,275
Really?
That's what you think?
288
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,911
Well, everybody loves him.
289
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:52,379
And they've never
lost a game
290
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:53,981
with him on
the sidelines.
291
00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:55,482
I don't know.
292
00:11:55,515 --> 00:11:58,151
Trust me.
293
00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,325
Hey, Greg, you look great.
294
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:07,027
Hey, Chris, you're lying.
295
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,229
All right, Bassie, I want you
to get out there today,
296
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,799
you run around that field,
you get us a win.
You understand?
297
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:12,933
Isn't that what
the players are for?
298
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,868
Move it or lose it,
towel boy.
299
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:18,638
Greg, come on.
300
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:21,074
No, I got to wait
for a car to take me.
301
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:21,909
I got this big suit.
302
00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:24,511
Oh, well, good luck.
Catch you later.
303
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:27,214
While I was gonna catch Greg
later,
304
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,783
some other guys were gonna
catch Greg now.
305
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,191
While Greg was nowhere
to be found,
306
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,227
Doc couldn't find anything.
307
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,462
Drew, where did you put
the hot sauce?
308
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:45,565
What you mean,
it disrupted the chi?
309
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,034
Okay, then where's the chi?
310
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,802
Where the hot sauce used to be.
311
00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:51,471
Well, I can't pour
a philosophical concept
312
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,406
on my catfish, now can I?
313
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,209
Think. I'll call you back.
314
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,445
Meanwhile,
history was made today
315
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:02,549
when the Tattaglia Sleeping Fish
lost their homecoming game
316
00:13:02,582 --> 00:13:08,255
to the Clemenza Fighting
Silencers by a score of 68 to 2.
317
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,457
We fought a good fight,
but we lost.
318
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,125
But ultimately,
I have to blame the loss
319
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:13,293
on our mascot Bassie.
320
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:16,163
He was a no-show,
and we lost.
321
00:13:16,196 --> 00:13:18,431
Hope you're happy
about that, Bassie,
322
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:22,269
You happy now
You see what you did.
323
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,872
Tomorrow night
at Madison Square Garden,
324
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:25,873
light heavyweight contenders...
325
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,275
Yeah!
Yeah!
326
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:37,584
Greg, what happened?
327
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,052
I got fishnapped.
328
00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:41,188
You okay?
No, I'm not okay.
329
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:42,622
I spent the last three hours
in the back of a van
330
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:44,257
with a giant fish suit on me
331
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,859
with guys trying
to force-feed me worms.
332
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:46,927
I hope that wasn't a metaphor.
333
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,329
Just calm down.
No, you calm down.
334
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,464
Go to your stupid homecoming
dance with your stupid date.
335
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,200
And stop trying to pretend
you understand me
336
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,567
'cause you don't,
okay, pop star?
337
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,436
The only thing
you can do for me
338
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:57,837
is to kiss my white....
339
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:01,141
Way to lose homecoming, tadpole.
340
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,642
I'm glad Caruso punched him,
341
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,144
because it would have ruined
our friendship
342
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,946
if I had had to do it myself.
343
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,152
By the time homecoming night
came around,
344
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,921
even though Greg
wouldn't talk to me,
345
00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,890
I probably couldn't hear him
because my sweater was so loud.
346
00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,025
That sweater looks stupid.
347
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:20,627
I would have a comeback,
but unfortunately I agree.
348
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,562
Bet you a dollar
she doesn't show up.
349
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:23,630
Tonya, she'll show up.
350
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:27,667
Chris, she doesn't show up,
just give us a call.
351
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,936
We'll come get you.
352
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:32,973
Nothing like a parent's love
to destroy your confidence.
353
00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:33,941
Meanwhile, Drew learned
354
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:36,243
you can't teach an old Doc
new tricks.
355
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:38,378
Doc, what happened?
356
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:39,612
I couldn't figure out
357
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,149
why Chinese people
put hot sauce next
to peanut butter.
358
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:43,984
And your fortune
inside a cookie.
359
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:45,685
So I changed
everything back.
360
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,988
Money won't do me
any good if I go crazy
361
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,256
before I try to spend it.
362
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:52,259
So I said "Sayonara"
to feng shui.
363
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,694
Sayonara isn't Chinese.
It's Japanese.
364
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:55,662
Hey, I just read this thing
365
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,664
about this new Japanese food
called "sushi."
366
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,566
It's supposed to be
the next big thing in America.
367
00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:00,600
Maybe we could
sell it here.
368
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:01,668
Sushi?
369
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:04,171
Yeah, it's like raw fish
wrapped in seaweed and rice.
370
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,940
That sounds as good as hamburger
made out of turkey.
371
00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:12,145
Do I have to tell you
Doc went broke?
372
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:16,183
What the heck is that?
373
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:17,384
"Careless Whisper."
374
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:23,957
* But it's easy to pretend,
I know you're not a fool *
375
00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:27,060
* I should have known better
than to cheat a friend *
376
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,028
* And waste this chance...
377
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,062
Oh, my God!
378
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:30,998
What the hell?
379
00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:37,637
* So I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you *
380
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:40,707
Turn it off. Sit down.
381
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:47,047
Didn't I tell you
to leave my daughter alone?
382
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,748
Look, I'm just trying
to show her I like her.
383
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:49,716
She gets it.
384
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:52,052
But you can't make somebody
like you back.
385
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,487
At least not without a lot
of fame and money.
386
00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:55,355
Between me and you,
387
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,456
I ain't letting her go
without a fight.
388
00:15:56,489 --> 00:16:01,094
Are you talking about a fight
for her or with me?
389
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,632
Just tell her
when she gets tired
of Jason, I'm available.
390
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,200
I'll do that.
391
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:09,002
No, he won't.
392
00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:11,338
While Tonya had
an unwanted visitor at home,
393
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:14,141
I had an unwanted visitor
at homecoming.
394
00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:16,043
Mom, what are you doing here?
395
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,345
Greg's aunt called.
He never came home last night.
396
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,447
Do you have any idea
where he might be?
397
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,514
I don't know.
398
00:16:21,548 --> 00:16:22,649
You realize that if you don't
take me to the dance,
399
00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,717
you'll never have
a chance of going
out with me again.
400
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:25,718
I know.
401
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:26,753
You know or you don't know?
402
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:27,754
Huh?
403
00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:28,555
Chris, if you don't come
and find me right away,
404
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,457
you know this
can end badly for me.
405
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:31,124
I know.
406
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,425
Well, then come on.
What?
407
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:33,293
Let's go get Greg.
408
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,727
You say you know where he is,
right?
409
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:35,262
Yeah.
410
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,663
You better hurry, man.
411
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:37,697
Why don't you
leave him alone?
412
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,732
You know he wants to go
to the dance with me.
413
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,068
I really do.
414
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:42,001
Well, then come on.
415
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:43,536
He doesn't care about you.
He just met you.
416
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,772
He's known me
for years.
417
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:47,307
I can't leave Greg hanging.
Ha!
418
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,275
Let's go, boy!
419
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,409
You're standing me up?
420
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,743
What?
421
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:53,046
I'm on the edge, man!
Stop yelling at me!
422
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,181
Look, I don't care
423
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,616
who's missing. You holler at me
like that one more time,
424
00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:57,784
you gonna come up missing.
425
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:04,091
I'm sorry.
You should be.
426
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,825
You better be.
Now come on.
427
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,695
Man, that scene put
the "azy" in crazy.
428
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,411
How'd you know where to find me?
429
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,213
Your best friend,
430
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:28,381
plus the Bronx Academy
was the last place you were
431
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,649
before everything went wrong.
432
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,218
Well, now you found me,
433
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,486
just leave me and let me rot.
434
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,222
Greg, I'm getting tired
of your complaining.
435
00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:36,456
I've been getting knocked down
for years
436
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:37,624
and you don't see me whining.
437
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,559
I just get up
and dust myself off.
438
00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,129
Of course you do--
you're black.
439
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:44,131
You overcame slavery,
lynchings and racism.
440
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,432
You know how to deal
with suffering.
441
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,500
I'm a white guy;
I'm supposed to have it easy.
442
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,302
Greg, right now,
I'm standing up
443
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:50,670
at the most perfect girl
in the world.
444
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,439
Her family is amazing.
445
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:53,773
They clapped when I entered.
446
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:55,475
They laughed at everything
I said.
447
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:56,543
They gave me sweet potato pops.
448
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,145
They even gave me this sweater.
449
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,113
This sweater cost
more than our car.
450
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,848
Her parents are
a lawyer and a doctor.
451
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:03,816
Last time I saw a lawyer
and a doctor together
452
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,252
was when my uncle went
to the hospital
453
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,187
for a routine checkup
and came out dead.
454
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,189
So if you don't get
your harmonica-playing,
455
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:10,323
hole-in-the-sock-wearing,
456
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:13,193
woe-is-me, I-should-have-
everything-easy behind up,
457
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,595
I'm gonna smack
the crack out of you!
458
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,564
Oh, man, the dance.
459
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,667
You missed your date
with Jenise to come and find me?
460
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,137
Don't sweat it. You would
have done the same thing for me.
461
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:28,141
When the situation came up
years later, he didn't.
462
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:31,278
The next day, I went to deliver
the Huckstables an apology,
463
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:32,612
but they had come to get it
themselves.
464
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,181
What the...?
465
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:38,418
Aha! Now you know what it's like
to come into your home
466
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,387
and not believe
467
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:42,589
what the eyes
are seeing
468
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,892
because your daughter is
boo-hooing, shedding the tears.
469
00:18:45,925 --> 00:18:47,160
Who the hell are you?
470
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,663
I am Dr. Clint Huckstable.
471
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:53,700
And I am the father
of the daughter
472
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,602
shedding
all the tears
473
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,904
because the son
of the mother
474
00:18:57,937 --> 00:19:02,175
from Bed-Stuy...
stood her up
475
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,911
at the Tattaglia-talia
public school homecoming dance.
476
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:07,347
How did you get
into my house?
477
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,881
The crack baby let me in.
478
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:11,251
I'm not a crack baby.
479
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,652
I'm really sorry.
480
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,321
We just left your house, but...
481
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,956
What kind of parent
would raise a boy
482
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:20,493
that would make my future
lawyer-daughter cry
483
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,862
with all the tears?
484
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:23,896
Now hold on.
485
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,199
If you're such a good parent,
486
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,901
how come your retarded
daughter flunked out
of private school
487
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:31,571
and had to go
to Tata-Tata-Tataglia
488
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,373
public school?
489
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:34,707
The point is...
490
00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:36,676
You better say the right thing,
491
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,546
because I swear I will slap
the sweet potato pop out of you.
492
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:42,782
All I am saying is
that my little girl
493
00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:45,652
had her feelings hurt.
494
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:46,919
You did?
495
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,621
I had to even ask my father
496
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:49,856
if I could transfer permanently.
497
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:54,227
I thought you're funny,
cute, edgy, and cool.
498
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,229
You did?
Yes.
499
00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:57,330
But now I hate you.
500
00:19:57,364 --> 00:20:00,933
All it took was one phone call.
501
00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,802
Now give me back
my sweater.
502
00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:05,204
With pleasure.
503
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,276
Thank you, sporty.
504
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:12,845
Let's go.
505
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,847
Ma, aren't you gonna
say anything?
506
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,252
Well, you could
have called.
507
00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:23,290
* Everybody hates Chris.
508
00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:42,575
* Aw, make it funky now.
36560
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