Original subtitles

*

CHRIS ROCK: After a couple of weeks at Tattaglia without Greg,

I tried hanging out with a few different crowds

to make myself feel better.

I tried hanging out with the losers.

So, what do you want to study

Dude, why are you always studying?

Yeah, you act like we're graduating tomorrow.

Don't be such a downer.

I even tried hanging out with the break-dance crews.

*

I only had a connection with one person in the school,

and it was the wrong type of connection.

What's up, Theo?

There was only one time during the day

that I didn't miss Greg.

Home Ec.

It smelled like biscuits,

and it looked like Victoria's Secret.

Greg wasn't there,

but if there's one way to replace one good friend,

it's with a bunch of strange women.

Hey, that's how strip clubs were born.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

andVOLKSWAGEN.

When you get into a Volkswagen, it gets into you.

* Aw, make it funky now.

For a lot of guys, Home Ec would have been a bad choice.

But for me, it was a perfect fit.

Everything I did in class I already did at home.

These are good, Chris.

Thanks. Maybe I could taste your cookies sometime.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

You know, I mean,

like if you were to bake some here.

In class.

Hmm. Don't be funny.

Okay.

Because I was a guy and a good cook, I got a lot of attention.

Bye, Chris. Bye, Chris.

The only girl in class

who wouldn't give me the time of day was Maria.

Don't be mad at me because you can't make toast.

Back on my block, somebody was catching heat besides me.

A ticket?! How you gonna give me a ticket?

You're parked by a hydrant.

Do you see a fire? Do you smell smoke?

Do you see a dog trying to pee?

You know what? You need to give

yourself a ticket.

You're the one that's double-parked.

You give me that pad!

Got you now!

Now who's violent?

Ah! How you like me now?

Oh, oh. What, what, what?

Now, you got your ticket.

What, you want some of this?

Would you look at that?

Now, she should be ashamed of herself.

Didn't you have a fight with that meter maid?

That was different.

No, it wasn't.

Do you see a fire?

Do you smell smoke?

Do you see a dog trying to pee?

What you need to do is give yourself a ticket.

You're the one that's double-parked!

Give me that!

Give me that! How's it feel now?

I give the tickets!

Mom, what are you doing?

That's your mother?

Y'all get in the house. Y'all go get in the house. Now!

Mom, why are you always doing this?

Tasha, please, stop talking to me like I'm your daughter.

Hi!

I'm Peaches!

Hi. I'm Rochelle.

This is Chris' mom.

: Rochelle?

Oh, I heard so much about you.

Oh, my God. I've been meaning to go upstairs and say hi.

But, woo, things have been so crazy since I got out.

Got out? Mm-hmm.

Of what?

Jail.

Jail? Mm-hmm.

Ooh, girl, can you believe it?

I go out with this guy, he gon' knock over a liquor store.

I'm in the car,

and he hop in with a bag of money

waving his gun talking about "Drive, drive, drive!"

Next thing I know

I'm doing four to six years

for aiding and abetting.

All right, well, I will talk to you later.

Ooh! Girl, that is a nice purse!

Oh, it's all leather. Mm-hmm.

See, I knew I would like you. I love people with good taste.

You're just like me.

Minus the tackiness and the rap sheet.

Come on, Mom.

She'll talk your ear off all day if you let her.

Oh, Tasha, please.

While my mom was reeling,

Drew and Tonya had Mr. Omar on the hook.

Okay,

now, let's cut to the chase.

This is Herman.

All right, now, this

is the food.

Now you put in two shakes.

Not one, not three, two.

Every day, after school.

And if Herman survives, I'll pay you ten dollars.

What if Herman dies?

Then I keep my money

and buy me another fish.

Oh! The Color Purple! Can we watch it?

I love Danny Glover.

Mister was the best movie villain since Darth Vader.

No. Leave my movies alone.

Don't touch anything, don't eat anything.

Don't sit, search or stare.

Just feed Herman and leave.

Got it?

Yes.

While Mr. Omar's fish were about to get fed,

things in Home Ec were about to get cooking.

Okay, for our second group of partners,

we have Sadie and Lola, Tiffany and Amber, Chris and...

Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria, Chris and Maria...

...and Angel.

I hadn't noticed Angel before,

but if she looked like her name,

as Greg would say, I was about to be in there.

Where's Angel?

Right over there.

Hi. I'm Chris.

: Hi. I'm Angel.

Ahn More like, "What the hell?"

Ahn What's up with the outfit?

And the makeup?

I'm androgynous, silly.

Around 1986, a new trend emerged called androgyny.

Inspired by the looks of personalities

such as Boy George, Prince, Grace Jones

and Attorney General Janet Reno,

gender benders, as they were also called,

stretched the perceptions of what it meant

to be male or female.

Ahn What type of name is that?

It's Boriqua, baby.

Look, I know what you're doing.

I wish I could say the same.

You do? Yes.

I know you boys like to come into Home Ec

trying to do more than bake cookies.

You and me, we could be friends.

I could use you.

I don't think I like where this is headed.

What are you talking about?

Me, I understand fashion, hair and Madonna,

but I'm terrible in the kitchen.

So?

I saw you looking at Maria.

All I'm saying

is that, if you help me,

I can help you.

And how is that?

Chelsea?

What, Angel?

This boy just broke up with his girlfriend.

Oh.

He's depressing me with sad talk.

Would you kiss him on the cheek?

He needs a reason to live.

How's that?

Yeah. It was good.

So do we have a deal?

What?

Do we have a deal?

Oh. Uh... Yeah.

Ow!

I broke his androgyny bone!

While Maria couldn't make a corn flake,

I helped Angel make a cake.

Angel, your cake

is amazing.

I couldn't have done it without Chris.

If you want an "A" on your next project,

that is your boy.

Really?

(Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like a Lady" plays)

Chris?

Yes?

Maria. Yes.

I was wondering... Yes?

...if maybe you can help me make a cake?

Yes.

She may not know how to work an oven,

but she knows how to work me.

Charming, he cooks...

I don't know, Maria.

Sounds like a catch to me.

We'll see about that after we make the cake.

See you, Chris.

Yes.

Me and Angel made a deal to work together in class,

but being seen together in the hallway

was a whole other thing.

Yeah. I have to go ask Mrs. Williams something.

Yeah. I'll catch you later.

* That, that dude looks like a lady... *

Back at Mr. Omar's,

Tonya was worried about being seen, too.

What are you doing?

I was watching The Color Purple.

Mr. Omar said not to touch his stuff.

I wasn't touching. I was watching.

Fine. If anything gets messed up, it's on you.

Nothing's going to get messed up,

so shut up.

Come on.

Hey, Rochelle!

Hey!

Translation: "Who told you where I work?"

Who told you where I work?

Who's this?

I'm Peaches.

That's, uh, Tasha's mother.

She just moved in next door.

Girl, you look just like your daughter.

With a rap sheet.

I'm Vanessa.

Vanessa

Oh, this is your shop! Oh, this is nice!

Oh! Rochelle, I should have known you worked

at a nice place like this. Just don't rob it.

Just don't rob it.

Rob it?

She is just joking!

I just got out of jail. Jail?

Mm-hmm.

Which one? Taconic.

Oh. Medium security.

What were you doing? Aiding and abetting or something?

Yeah, girl, you know how that is. You do?

It almost happened to me once. I was just sitting in a car...

Supposed to be on a date? Guy hops in with a bag of money...

Talk about, "Drive!"? Drive? I hopped out and ran.

That's what you should have done.

That's what I should have done.

Okay, Peaches. All right, girl.

Well, I will see you later... Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, speaking of later! Oh, girl, I need a touch-up.

Tasha's staying with some friends tonight.

I'm going out with this guy, and I need to look good.

Then you better not show him your tattoos.

Don't show him your tattoos.

You got tattoos? I was in jail.

I'll squeeze you in.

Sit down. Oh, girl,

thank you!

I was cool with Angel, but not with androgyny,

so I asked my dad for help.

Hey, Dad?

Hey. You did a good job with dinner tonight.

Thanks.

Can I ask you a question?

I'm not giving up my sweet potato pie recipe.

You're just going to have to kill me first.

Oh. Oh, no.

See, there's this guy in my Home Ec class.

You having a problem?

No, not at all.

He's just a little flamboyant.

Flamboyant?

Yeah. He looks kind of like Boy George.

Oh, you mean androgynous?

Yeah.

We have to partner on this project, and he's cool.

I just don't want people thinking

that me and him hang out like that.

I knew this androgynous guy when I was coming up.

You did? Yeah.

He was one of the baddest dudes I ever met.

Pink Bobby Jenkins.

He was androgynous way before it was popular.

Everybody used to make fun of him.

Pink Bobby?

So, did you guys hang out?

Nope.

I didn't want people to think I was androgynous.

Then one day, I was coming home from school,

and these guys jumped me.

Oh, they had me, too.

Then, next thing I know, here comes Pink Bobby.

Man, Pink Bobby was knocking suckers out.

I asked him why'd he help me,

even though I wouldn't talk to him.

But he said he didn't care that I didn't talk to him.

It was because I didn't talk about him.

After that, we were always cool.

And people didn't think you were androgynous?

Look, Chris, unless you show up in a dress,

heels and makeup,

nobody's gonna think you're androgynous.

Thanks, Dad.

Surprise! Surprise!

Malvo?

You two know each other?

Yeah, baby, we old friends.

This is the guy you were talking about? Yeah.

But I didn't know you two knew each other.

Why didn't you say something? Baby, 'cause you

wouldn't quit talking.

He is so stupid. Ain't he stupid?

Is that a trick question?

Rochelle, you are crazy.

Oh, I could say

the same thing about you.

Oh, baby.

Oh, come on, let's go sit down.

Yeah.

This is crazy. Ain't this crazy?

This is crazy, baby. Whoo!

There haven't been this many ex-cons in one place

since Naomi Campbell had lunch with Amy Winehouse.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Whoo!

Thanks for dinner, y'all. Yeah.

I'm glad y'all showed up when y'all did,

because we were done eating an hour ago.

MALVO: See, that's why y'all are good people.

You know, if it had have been me, I would have been,

like, "I hope they ain't hungry." You know?

Well, how did you two meet?

We both got the same parole officer.

We were taking our drug tests,

and he was coming out the bathroom.

And she was coming down the hall and...

BOTH: We was both holding cups of pee.

Oh, baby!

Sounds like a love story for R. Kelly.

That sounds nice.

See, I wanted you to meet him

to get your opinion, but you already know him,

so that's good enough for me. Hey, y'all

got any Jell-O or something like that for dessert?

I'll see what I can find.

Rochelle, you want to give me a hand? Okay, baby.

MALVO: Cool.

PEACHES: Malvo? Hmm?

PEACHES: You like Jell

MALVO: Baby, I love Jell-O.

PEACHES: I love Jell-O, too!

Does it say...

: Does it say "Rikers Island" on our door?

No. Then why are there two convicts in my house?

She just showed up. What was I supposed to do?

Tell her to just get out.

I don't want to be rude.

Look, she barged in, she ate our food,

and she brought a guest.

She's rude. She's Tasha's mother, okay?

Now, for Chris and Tasha's sake,

we have to be neighborly.

Look, be neighborly at her house.

I don't want her in here.

Come on, ya'll.

Where the Jell

Did you try Bill Cosby's house?

Back at school, I decided to step out of my comfort zone

and into my discomfort zone.

You'll get your Eurythmics tape back

when I give it back, bitch.

Hey, man.

Hey.

You want to go get some lunch

and hang out or something?

No.

Why not?

Chris, you're a nice guy.

I don't know how to say this.

I don't mind working with you in class,

but being seen with you out here--

it's a whole other thing.

I get picked on enough for the way I dress.

Hanging out with you will give people one more reason.

I just got the "It's not you, it's me" speech

from a guy who wears pumps?

While I figure out my feelings, let's take a break.

Without Greg around to talk this out,

I decided to talk to myself.

Dude, who was that androgynous guy you were just talking to?

Oh, that's Angel.

Do I need to kick his ass?

Don't try it. Androgynous guys

have a reputation for being great fighters.

Nah, he's cool. He's in my Home Ec class.

Home Ec? Do I need to kick your ass?

You don't understand. He's tight with every girl in the class.

They trade clothes.

He's gonna hook me up.

Yeah

Hey, Chris. Yes?

You're gonna help me with that cake, right?

Yes.

Good. Who's your friend?

How you doin', honey? I'm Greg.

I like your coat.

The skullcap is another story.

Man, you're so in there.

Anyways, I gotta go beat up some nerds.

Have fun at your bake-off.

If you don't find any nerds,

you could just punch yourself in the face.

While I got a sleeveful, my mother was getting an earful.

He's a Pisces. I'm an Aquarius.

That's fish and water. That go together, right?

Ooh, girl, that ain't...

Peaches, I would love to talk to you right now,

but I gotta cook. Ooh, I could help you cook.

You makin' chicken, I could fry it, corn, I could shuck it.

I can make a mean grilled cheese with a iron if you're desperate.

No, that's okay.

And if you're really desperate,

wine out of toilet water and a gun out of soap.

Okay, my grilled cheese is fresh to die...

Peaches? Huh? Stop, okay?

I really appreciate the fact that you like me,

but we have to set some boundaries.

Like prison gates.

Oh, okay, okay. Girl, say no more.

See, we just alike.

You need your space, I need my space.

Right.

Okay! Okay!

Well, call me. Okay? Okay.

You gonna call me? Sure.

No, I'm-a call you when you done, okay?

No, no, I'll call you. I'll call you. Yeah.

Okay, well, call me.

I'll call you. Okay. Bye.

Okay. Okay.

Hmm. Okay.

Uh-huh, all right, all right, all right.

Everything seems to be in order.

Herman is healthy. Mission accomplished.

DREW: Thank you.

You didn't touch anything, did you?

No.

No. All right.

This is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

Yo, y'all have to try this cake.

My girl Maria made it for me.

Maria

Well, she ain't my girl girl, just this girl.

She diggin' on me.

I told her she need to be able to cook

if she wants to get with me.

See, I don't like girls that can't cook.

So you like her?

Well, I don't know about her,

but I like this cake.

You want a piece? Try it.

I was using cake to get closer to Maria

and she was using cake to get closer to Dickerson,

and it didn't work for either one of us.

Oh! Rochelle! You scared the...!

Peaches, what the hell are you doing in my house?!

Girl, I lost my keys, Tasha wasn't home,

so I just let myself in.

You let yourself in?

Mm-hmm.

There's three locks on the door.

Oh, yeah, those are no good.

You really need to upgrade.

I mean, having those locks

is like leaving your door wide open.

No, it's not.

That was a closed door with three locks on it.

Why didn't you break into your own house?

That's what I'm saying. It's the locks.

Mine are unpickable. You think I'm gonna be standing out

on the street looking like I'm breaking into somebody's house?

Peaches, what's wrong with you?

Do you remember the talk that we had about boundaries?

I needed your advice, and I have been

sitting here all day waiting for you...

Peaches...

What?

How would you feel if you came home

and I was in your house with your man?

Why would I know where your man is?

Oh, by the way, Vanessa called.

She said make sure you call her back.

You answered my phone?!

What? You acting like I stole something!

You are a criminal.

I was an accomplice!

That is not the same thing!

They locked you up in the same jail.

Oh, oh, okay, I get it.

So you think that I am a criminal!

Joker, joker, joker.

I mean, what else am I supposed to think?

You know what? Think what you want.

No, I'm thinking.

Think that. No, really, I'm thinking.

No, think that. I'm thinking.

Think that. Believe me, I'm thinking that!

And stay away from my Turtles.

Well, you outta milk!

Hey, hey! Hey!

DREW: Hey, Mr. Omar.

Uh-uh, don't "Hey" me.

I know y'all were watching my videotape machine.

How?

The counter told on you.

It was at 0743. Now it says 0002.

So?

So? So the lady I'm seeing likes to do things

by the numbers. I was waiting on 800.

She had a special surprise for me at 800,

and you ruined it!

The surprise was, she was a man.

Isn't that kinda weird?

Isn't that kinda none of your business?

Look, I told you not to touch anything.

A deal is a deal. Now give me back my money.

Any day now.

Tragic!

(Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors" plays)

Um, listen, Rochelle,

I'm sorry for breaking into your apartment.

Okay.

And you know I think you're smart and stylish...

Mm-hmm.

Like me.

And I'd really like for us to be friends.

I don't know, Peaches.

You've really went a little too far.

I know.

Well, I'm sorry for calling you a criminal.

It's okay.

Okay.

* I see your true colors...

Hey! Hey!

What the hell you think you're doing?! What the hell you think you're doing?!

Get away from that car!

Angel and I were reaching a new understanding.

Sorry about Maria.

It's cool. You know, that's just how girls are.

That's why I don't mess with them.

No, it's not.

So, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

See ya.

Yeah, you can go first.

Yep. Bye.

After all was said and done, even a roomful of girls

wasn't the same as having one good friend.

Greg

Got kicked out of the Bronx Academy.

So I'm back.

See you still have that coat.

I've changed in ways you couldn't imagine, Chris.

I've seen things. I've done things.

I've tasted blood and it tastes good.

Taste that, Tonto.

See you later, Kemo Sabe.

Welcome back, dude.

Thanks.

* Everybody hates Chris

* And Greg. *

* Aw, make it funky now.