Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: High school changes everybody's life.

After three years at Corleone, I went to Tattaglia High.

Now, I didn't know what to expect when I got out,

but I knew what to expect when I went in.

Get him! White kids.

(Power Station's "Some Like It Hot" plays)

And these weren't your everyday white kids.

They were bigger.

They were faster.

What the...?

* Feel the heat

They were stronger.

* Pushing you to decide

Hyah!

* Feel the heat

* Burning you up, ready or not

And they were sexier.

They had sexier backs.

* When the heat is on

They had sexier fronts.

* Some feel the heat...

Thank you, Lord.

I had been the only black kid at my school for three years,

and I still wasn't ready for what happened next...

Nothing!

Hey, you.

What?

How come you didn't punch me a second ago?

I don't even know you.

That never stopped anyone before.

What the hell's your problem?

In an ironic twist of fate,

I was about to get my ass kicked

for expecting to get my ass kicked.

Nothing. It's just I'm the only black kid here. I thought...

What are you talking about?

You're not the only black kid here.

Maybe the dumbest one, but you're not the only one.

Finally, I thought my troubles were over.

I wouldn't be the only black kid on the bus.

Yo, back of the bus, lady.

I wouldn't be the only black kid at lunch.

*

And for a change,

I wouldn't be the only black kid in my classes.

Maybe these are all black kids wearing whiteface.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Chris.

Star of the new movie, Guess Who's Coming to Homeroom.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

ROCK: In a school that was seven-percent Latino,

nine-percent black and three-percent Asian,

I somehow ended up in a class that was 99.9% white.

Everybody take a seat, take a seat.

What are you doing in here?

It's my class. You're Mr. Thurman, right?

No, genius, I'm Mr. Magoo.

You don't belong in here.

Why not?

You're black, you're black. You're the black guy.

I took a wrong turn and ended up in South Africa.

What's that got to do with anything?

You're gonna disturb my balance.

You're like Crispus Attucks in the Boston Massacre.

Whatever happens in here, good or bad,

we're all gonna end up talking about you.

I'm doing it already and I'm sick of it.

Listen here, Mr. Magoo, I would love to leave,

but I ain't got nowhere else to go.

What's the matter? What are you, what are you, Cuban?

Hmm? Go ahead, sit down, sit down.

Don't touch anybody, huh?

And it's Thurman. Magoo's a joke.

Hilarious.

No, no, not here. You people like to march, right?

March your way to the back of the class. Go ahead.

He was afraid I'd bring the property value

of his classroom down.

The hardest part about being a black nerd

was that I didn't fit in with anybody.

Not to mention, before the Internet,

there were only two black nerds-- me and this guy.

(Huey Lewis and the News' "Hip To Be Square" plays)

Officer, that's him!

Black translation: run!

Thank you, honey.

All right. What's wrong with you, man?

That wasn't funny!

Dude, why'd you run? You didn't do anything.

Tell that to Emmett Till.

I was scared.

All the white people think

I look like every black person on Earth.

I could go to jail for anything

from a parking ticket

to throwing little baby Jessica down the well.

Dude, that didn't even happen yet.

I'm just saying.

What you doing down here? We had a half day today.

I figured I'd try and catch up with you.

Is that coat the attire for the Bronx Academy?

Man, you wouldn't believe it.

I found the one place on Earth where I'm not a nerd.

Where, in that coat? The Bronx Academy.

I'm the only one coming from a public school.

I'm, like, the toughest kid there.

Everyone's scared of me.

Scared of you or scared of that coat?

This was the first time Greg scared anyone

outside of a spelling bee.

Is that blood on that coat?

Yeah. Cool, huh?

No.

Don't worry. It's not mine.

Not your blood or not your coat?

Yes and yes. Want some cash?

You kidding me?

Take it, man. I can get more tomorrow.

Greg was like an ATM machine with acne.

So how's it over here?

Same old, same old.

I start my day like I always did for the past three years:

room full of white people.

Hang in there, man.

If there's anything I can do for you,

you let me know.

Got any more of them coats?

Sorry. I'll catch you later.

While I dealt with my new school,

my mother dealt with her own hairy situation.

Hey, Mom,

what happened to your hair?

That is not the way you give a woman a compliment, Drew.

I wasn't giving a compliment, I was

just trying to find out what happened.

Whatever happened, it looks nice.

What did happen? Nothing happened!

Something happened-- all the hair on

the right side of your head is missing.

Maybe aliens came and cut it so they could put a probe in your ear.

I do not have a probe in my ear.

You sure?

It's called an "asymmetrical bob."

Sounds alien to me!

I got it done at Vanessa's shop.

Wait, I thought it was Pam's shop.

Vanessa hit the number and bought Pam out.

Yeah, now I'm the new manager.

What happened to your old job?

Something that hadn't happened in a long time.

I do not need this, okay?!

My man has two jobs!

Two jobs equals one finger.

What you reading, baby?

After Tonya's crush on Billy Ocean ended,

she got a new one

on one of the top movie stars of the time, Danny Glover.

Danny Glover? Didn't he play Benson?

No, no, that was Robert Guillaume.

Danny Glover played the father on Good Times.

No, no, that's John Amos. Danny Glover was Chicken George.

No, that's Ben Vereen.

Danny Glover's the voice of Darth Vader.

No, that's James Earl Jones.

Danny Glover played "Mister" in The Color Purple.

ALL: Oh...

I thought that was Whoopi Goldberg.

His next movie is with some white guy named Mel Gibson.

Drew, what are you doing?

Looking for a job. Since I'm 13,

I figured I'd start working and make some real money.

Well, you just remember,

for now, school is your first job.

There's nothing wrong with looking for your second job.

If Drew gets a job, can I have his allowance?

No. No. No.

So, how was school?

Horrible. Fine.

How was your first day, Drew? Fine.

His "fine" and my "fine" were two different "fines."

(Kool and the Gang's "Celebrate" plays)

* Whoo-hoo!

* It's a celebration

* Celebrate good times, come on! *

And they did that for Drew every single day.

Daddy, I wanted to ask you something.

Yes, baby?

Can I get a job?

This may have been the happiest moment of my father's life.

My baby wants a job!

Get off of my car, fool!

I don't see why not.

ROCHELLE: I don't know, baby.

You're only 12.

You're a little too young to be working.

But Chris had a job when he was 12.

I had a job when I was two.

Well, go do your homework, and we'll talk about it in the morning.

What?

: What?

I don't want Tonya working.

She's still a little girl.

This will be good for her.

She'll be learning responsibility

and plus, she'll be making a little money.

What he really meant was...

She'll be making money. She'll be making money.

She'll be making money and she'll be making money!

Well, where are we supposed to find her a job?

She can work at the beauty shop with you.

She could sweep up here.

I don't want her breathing those chemicals.

She can wear a mask.

When is she supposed to do her homework?

When she's not sweeping.

What if she hears something she's not supposed to?

Don't tell me. You really want her

to work that bad? Yes!

No, but it's not me, it's her.

Fine.

Sweep up those crumbs.

Tonya wants to work. Let her do it.

To get out from under Mr. Thurman,

I decided to go straight to the top.

Excuse me.

Oh, my God! Chris!

It'd be 20 yearsbefore another woman had that reaction.

Miss Morello, you're the principal?

How'd you end up here?

You wouldn't believe it.

I hate this school! I hate these kids!

And every last one of you can kiss my white...

As luck would have it,

I ended up doing the same thing over at Corleone.

Only topless.

So I took the job here.

Come, come, come, sit.

So, what can I do for you?

I need to change homerooms.

Oh, what's the problem?

Mr. Thurman hates me.

Everyone does. It's in the title of the show, dummy.

I'm tired of being around only white kids all the time.

Doesn't bother Michael Jackson.

Chris, I thought you'd like that room.

That's why I had you placed there.

You put me in that class?

Yes, but if I had known you were a racist...

No, I'm not a racist.

Well, I don't hear any of the white kids complaining

about being around you.

It's hard to talk when you're wearing a hood.

And I think that's mighty white of them.

While I regain my composure,

let's hear a word from our sponsors.

CHRIS ROCK: Before I strangled her,

I wanted to know why she did what she did.

Chris, when I saw your name on the register,

I thought, if you hadn't gotten shot,

ended up slinging rock,

or become a baby daddy over the summer,

that you'd want to get back to something you knew.

Yeah. I know black kids, Asians, Latinos.

So why can't I be in the homeroom with them?

Chris, the black boys are all in gangs,

the girls are all bougie,

and don't even get me started on the Puerto Ricans.

Boriqua

What have you got against white people anyway?

Oh, you'll find out.

Nothing. I just don't want to start every day

in a roomful of people who hate me.

Tell you what. If you can find a black friend,

or a group of people that you can fit in with

that aren't all white, I'll put you in a new homeroom.

Serious? As a heart attack.

If I'm lucky, maybe you'll have one before me.

While I had a job to do, my sister was going to work.

Now, you remember what I told you, Tonya, right?

What happens in the beauty shop stays in the beauty shop.

That's my girl.

Women need to know this is a place

where they can come and say anything they want.

Got it.

Like every white basketball player who makes the NBA,

I had a tough job ahead of me: I had to find black friends.

I tried black guys.

Uh... man, where you get those clothes?

Looking like page 32 of the Sears catalog.

Hey, where's your football?

Page 49.

I tried tender-headed black girls.

Ow! Ow!

Stupid!

I even tried the Black Student Union.

You've been hoodwinked! You've been had!

You've been took! You've been led astray! Run amok!

You have been bamboozled!

Hey! Get your hand out of my pocket!

Rest in peace, Talcum X.

When my mother told Tonya

she could say anything she wanted,

Tonya took her at her word.

* Tonight I feel the need for passion... *

Did you dye your hair blond

or did you dye your eyebrows black?

Your perm looks nice,

but what's wrong with your toenails?

Should you be using food stamps to pay for this?

* I want to see you, I want to breathe you... *

Vanessa, you need to talk to that little girl.

You think I don't know I got a mole?

Holy moley! I know I got a mole.

Does your mole know about your mustache?

What? Gloria, wait a minute!

Tonya.

What?

I hate these guys!

I frickin' hate them!

All of them!

Why did I ever take this job?

Huh?

You have to be crazy,

have no friends, no prospects,

and no reason to believe that your life could be any better

than to be tormented and hated every day!

Sounds like the perfect job for me.

I quit!

Football team manager was a horrible job,

but if it was going to get me away from Mr. Thurman,

I'd work for the devil himself.

What's going on out here?

You're the coach?

Make that the white devil himself.

I had a dilemma.

To get out of Thurman's homeroom,

I had to get into his locker room.

What are you, the one Hmm? You going to

integrate every room I'm in, whether I like it or not?

I'm here to apply for team manager.

At least the locker room wasn't all white.

Hi, Dickerson. How's your ankle?

It's good. Who's this?

That's Chris. He wants to be

the new team manager.

What happened to that skinny white dude?

He quit.

Hey...

There you go.

And don't be putting no bleach in my drawers.

I'm allergic.

Who's that?

That's Walter Dickerson, our star running black.

"Back."

Hmm What

Nothing.

Give me one good reason

why I should let you be team manager.

Because the last guy quit.

Because I'm the only one here.

Don't be a smartass.

Can I ask you a question? What's that?

Is Dickerson the only black player on the team?

Oh, for God's sake! Now you want to get on the team, too?

What do you want to be? A jockstrap?

I guess you're just going to black your way through life.

Is that right?

It didn't work for Jesse Jackson,

and it's not going to work for you.

Actually, it worked for both of us.

Let me tell you something.

If you're going to be around me,

you need to understand something.

I don't like people.

You forgot to say "black."

Because people are idiots.

They don't read, they don't think, and they're lazy.

If they can find an easier way to do something,

they'll take it every time.

White people didn't have slaves because they're racist.

Yes, they did.

They did it because they're lazy.

Lazyracists! If they had gotten off their butts

and picked their own damn cotton,

they wouldn't have had to shoot Dr. King.

He's dead because white people are lazy!

And what do we do to honor him?

We take a damn day off work. I'm sick of it!

You want to get along with me, don't be lazy.

Or black.

4:00. Be there. Every day.

And don't be late. You understand?

And you're not getting on this team.

Thanks for the job, Coach!

While I talked my way into a job,

Tonya talked her way out of one.

You gotta fire Tonya.

Vanessa, let me talk to her first.

Rochelle, I don't have time for that.

I'm losing more customers than a Muslim rib shack.

Ah salaam a lick 'em!

She broke up two marriages,

she outed Jerome's uncle,

and she told Gloria about her mole.

She told Gloria about her mole?

Oh, Lord! Not the mole!

Everybody knows how sensitive Gloria is about that mole.

She ain't say nothing about her mustache, did she?

She didn't have to.

Oh! Oh, Vanessa...

Rochelle, either you fire her or I'm going to have to fire you.

Since me and Miss Morello had a deal,

it was time to pay the piper.

Great. Thanks.

Well, Chris, you did it.

I thought you had about as much chance of working

with the football team

as Boy George does of joining Quiet Riot, but you did it!

And oddly enough, so did Boy George.

* Come on, feel the noise

* Girls rock your boys

* We'll get wild, wild, wild... *

Walter, I didn't mean to doubt you.

I just had to make sure

Chris wasn't trying to run game on me.

That's cool. So can I go?

Well, I guess. Yeah. Sure.

So you going to move me to a new homeroom?

A deal is a deal.

While my future was looking up,

Tonya's was going down the drain.

I'm fired

I swept up all the hair, I cleaned out the shampoo bowls,

I even picked up those nasty toenail clippings.

It's not that, Tonya.

You know how I told you that women need

to be able to say anything in the beauty salon?

Yes.

Well, baby, there is a difference

between saying anything and saying everything.

So I'm getting fired for being honest?

It happened to Don Imus. It could happen to you.

I'm sorry, but yes.

You know what?

I don't need this mess!

My father has two jobs!

Deja vu.

My mother would have snatched the naps out of Tonya's head,

but at that moment, she was just too proud.

My new homeroom was a war zone with no general in charge.

Okay, settle down.

You just going to sit there?

What do you want me to do? I'm a teacher, not riot control.

We need a Morgan Freeman with a bat!

You could say something.

I said, "Settle down." You got a better idea?

Rubber bullets?

Yeah. You could...

After five minutes in my new homeroom,

I learned being in a class with Mr. Thurman

would require character.

Being in a class without him required stitches.

Chris, I'm not doing this again. Are you sure?

I'm sure.

THURMAN: All right.

Jameson Jones? Here! Here!

What the hell you doing back in here?

I thought I was done with you.

I asked Miss Morello if I could come back.

For what? You wanted out. I wanted you out. You're out.

Your work here is done. Come on, get the hell out of here. Go, go.

No. I'm staying.

Why?

See, if we're gonna be working together,

why should I avoid you?

So whatever you got, bring it.

I might as well get used to it.

Translation: You might not like me,

but those other guys tried to kill me.

What are you, special, hmm? A big

Don't you eye-ball me. I eye-ball you.

Sit down.

Aah!

Up front.

You wanted my attention, you got it!

I'll deal with that.

Coming into Tattaglia, I thought I would stand out

because I was the only black kid.

But all I was was just another teenager.

If I wanted people to notice me, I was actually

going to have to do something worth noticing.

Not quite what I had in mind.

Caruso

I'm knocking you on the floor, Bumpy. What's it look like?

There's so many blacks here now, I almost didn't recognize you.

Well, feel free to punch one of them.

That's okay. But thanks for the offer.

Welcome to Tattaglia.

* Everybody hates Chris...

* Ah, make it funky now.