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1
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:03,771
CHRIS ROCK:
In my house,
the most important holiday
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00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,606
of the year was Mother's Day.
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00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:06,740
You'd think
it would be Christmas,
4
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:08,442
and it might have been
5
00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:10,778
if Jesus cleaned our house
and cooked our meals.
6
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,747
Oh, wow!
That smells good.
7
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,317
Who wants meat loaf?
8
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,452
Have you thought about what
you want for Mother's Day, Mom?
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00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:21,755
Well, you kids cleaning up
the house, that would be nice.
10
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,824
We tried that when
you sprained your shoulder.
11
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,526
Remember? It didn't go too well.
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00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:27,228
It went well for you, lazy.
13
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:29,797
Hey, Dad, what you
getting Mom for Mother's Day?
14
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:31,665
Me
15
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,601
It's Mother's Day,
not Wife's Day.
16
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,236
What?
17
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:37,771
Um... maybe some flowers.
18
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,173
I wanted to get my mother
something nice,
19
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:42,676
because all I could think of
was how much she sacrificed.
20
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,112
She sacrificed at home.
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00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:46,280
Okay, who wants pizza?!
22
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,385
And she sacrificed
in the streets.
23
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:52,420
Thanks for your coat, Mama.
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00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:55,523
That's okay, baby.
25
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:58,826
I... I like the cold.
26
00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:00,261
You know what, you guys?
27
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:01,729
You don't have
to get me anything.
28
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:03,564
You give me such
great gifts every year.
29
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,466
No, we don't.
30
00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:07,635
We just make you some
stupid gift out of macaroni.
31
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:09,737
My macaroni oven mitts
were not stupid.
32
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,572
Yeah, you're right.
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00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,341
They weren't nearly as stupid
as your macaroni hot comb.
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00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:14,308
Shut up.
35
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,210
Or your macaroni macaroni bowl.
36
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:17,478
TONYA:
Hey, you shut up, too.
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00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,680
CHRIS:
Get out of my
voice-over booth, woman.
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00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:22,183
Save that for the show
Everybody Hates Tonya.
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00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:23,617
TONYA:
Whatever.
40
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:25,386
Okay, fine.
41
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,155
You know what I really want?
42
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,088
I want that.
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00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:31,292
TV ANNOUNCER:
...comes a sensual power.
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00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:34,862
Pour it on,
and let its rich aroma
45
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,298
bathe and soothe your senses,
46
00:01:37,331 --> 00:01:39,900
engulf you with the memory
of youth.
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00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,470
Explosive.
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00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:46,307
WOMAN:
Available exclusively
at Goldstein's Department Store.
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00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:48,842
You want some doves?
50
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:50,778
I think she wants angel wings.
51
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:52,346
No, no, no. She wants champagne.
52
00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:53,681
An exploding chandelier?
53
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,884
No, you guys.
I want Pure Voodoo!
54
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,786
ALL:
Oh!
55
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,488
CHRIS:
That stuff looks expensive.
56
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:01,889
Well, you asked me
what I wanted.
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00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:05,293
I knew right then I had to get
that perfume for Mother's Day.
58
00:02:05,326 --> 00:02:08,262
I was just glad it wasn't
a commercial for a Cadillac.
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00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:19,407
* Ah, make it funky now.
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00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:29,483
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
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00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:40,594
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
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Hey, check out what I made
for my mom for Mother's Day.
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00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,932
Macaroni pajamas.
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00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:45,966
Don't you think
you're a little bit too old
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00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,635
to be making macaroni presents?
66
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:48,769
When Greg got engaged,
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00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,372
he gave his fiancée
a piece of rigatoni.
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00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,673
So what are you getting your mom
for Mother's Day?
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00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,208
Oh. Pure Voodoo.
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00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:54,842
Isn't that stuff expensive?
71
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,644
It's only, like, 40 bucks.
72
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,846
40 bucks!
You can buy a car with that.
73
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,948
Actually, in my neighborhood,
you could.
74
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,457
I'll sell you this car
for 40 bucks.
75
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:10,724
50!
76
00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,493
:
Sold.
77
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:16,830
That's a lot of money.
78
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,532
Yeah, but my mom's
really worth it.
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00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,534
I mean, she works,
she cooks, she cleans.
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00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:21,902
And what do I
ever do for her?
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00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,271
Besides, I think
it's finally time
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00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:24,838
to show her how
appreciative I am.
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00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,640
I hope my mom
appreciates my gift.
84
00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:28,476
Now I just have to figure out
what cell block she's on.
85
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:30,611
Did you try Bellevue?
86
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:33,947
While I was planning
my expensive surprise,
87
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,750
Tonya was finding the cheapest
Mother's Day gift ever.
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00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:38,919
Daddy... Mama...
89
00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:41,855
"The Columbian Record
and Tape Club"?
90
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,657
"Resident"?
91
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:44,958
In our house,
everybody was allowed
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00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:48,462
to open mail addressed
to "Resident."
93
00:03:48,496 --> 00:03:50,864
Eight records for one penny?
94
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,934
I can get Mama a present,
and myself something, too.
95
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,869
Aw, this is nice.
96
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,438
Meanwhile, Drew was looking
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00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,939
to turn old junk
into a new present.
98
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,574
What's all this, Drew?
99
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:01,709
I'm gonna sell some stuff
100
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,644
so I can get some extra money
to buy Mom's present.
101
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,546
I thought you
had money saved up.
102
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,382
I did, but that was my
"running of the bulls" money.
103
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:09,850
Duh!
Drew, this stuff is junk.
104
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,852
What is this, anyway?
105
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:12,853
That's my Voltron.
106
00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:15,823
Voltron? Well, put it
on the six-month rule.
107
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:16,890
What's that?
108
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,225
If you haven't used it
in six months, get rid of it.
109
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,828
If that was the case, he'd have
to get rid of all his money.
110
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:22,830
After you get
this stuff cleaned up,
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00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:24,665
I'll give you
five dollars.
112
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,600
Cool!
113
00:04:29,370 --> 00:04:31,439
The problem with going
to department stores
114
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,374
is every time
a black person enters,
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00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:34,742
they get followed.
116
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:37,878
It didn't matter if you were
a baby wearing diapers...
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00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,580
She's on the move.
118
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,849
...or a senior citizen
wearing diapers.
119
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:44,017
She's on the roll.
120
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,855
Or even one of their own.
121
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,657
He's on the move.
122
00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:53,761
What do you mean,
I'm on the move?
123
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:54,728
I work here.
124
00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,797
Sorry.
125
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,499
Force of habit.
126
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:02,436
What's wrong with you, man?
127
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:04,838
Ah. May I help you?
128
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:07,475
Yes. I'm here to buy
the Pure Voodoo
for Mother's Day.
129
00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,610
The eau de toilette
or the perfume?
130
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:10,744
Which one is $40?
131
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:12,112
The eau de toilette.
I'll take it.
132
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,081
Sorry. We're all out.
She did that on purpose.
133
00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:15,215
It's Mother's Day.
134
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:17,351
You want to buy something cheap,
you have to start early.
135
00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:20,354
Okay. What about that bottle?
136
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:21,989
Oh, that's not eau de toilette.
137
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:24,925
This is the Pure Voodoo perfume.
138
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,627
What's the difference?
139
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,530
The perfume contains up
to 20% more aromatic compounds
140
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:30,864
than the eau de toilette,
141
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:33,801
and is classified
by olfactive family,
142
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:37,137
though it does not exist
as a true, singular
aromatic material,
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00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,773
whereas the eau de toilette
contains up to five to ten...
144
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,509
You can see the rest
of this 20-minute speech
145
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,677
over at PerfumeNut.net.
146
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,078
But here's the important part:
147
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:46,079
How much is it?
148
00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:48,882
$180.
$180?
149
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,017
I'm assuming
you don't have that.
150
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,486
No!
Excuse me.
151
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,154
Mother's Day was two days away,
152
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:56,424
and I was up the creek
without a present.
153
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,125
But I knew my mother
would understand.
154
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:04,965
* I want one moment in time...
155
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,467
Or maybe not.
156
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:10,671
* When I'm more than
I thought I could be... *
157
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,106
My mother had done things
for me she didn't want to do,
158
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:15,643
so I figured it was time
I return the favor.
159
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:19,046
* ...a heartbeat away,
and the answers... *
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00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:20,147
Of course, my mother
didn't do anything
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00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:22,483
that would get her locked up.
162
00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:25,686
* Give me one moment
in time... *
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00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:26,954
Hold it right
there, son.
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00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:28,722
Situation in Cosmetics.
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00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:30,858
Either he really thought
I was his son,
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00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,561
or I was in big trouble.
167
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:39,833
Choosing to shoplift was the
worst decision I had ever made.
168
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,635
Even a Turkish prison
would be nice
169
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:43,671
compared to what
my mother would do
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00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,906
if she found out I stole.
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00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,144
ROCHELLE:
Chris!
172
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,746
Boy, where you at?!
173
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,515
My mother's coming! Kill me now!
174
00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:55,849
Kill me now!
175
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:57,785
Kill me now!
176
00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:00,053
Well, I might be able to keep
you from going to jail
177
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,890
if you tell me what else
you've stolen from our store.
178
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,493
Nothing. I swear,
I've never stolen anything else
179
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,561
from this store
or anywhere else in my life.
180
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:08,629
Oh, really?
181
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:11,632
Are you telling me
this isn't you in this picture?
182
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,901
No. That's Lionel Ritchie.
183
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,936
Looks like you to me.
184
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,805
He wouldn't know Lionel Ritchie
from Lionel Jefferson.
185
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:20,908
Sir, please. I'm not a criminal.
186
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,076
Not a successful one, anyway.
187
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:26,547
Okay, I admit I was thinking
about taking the perfume.
188
00:07:26,580 --> 00:07:28,181
I just wanted to get
something nice for my mother.
189
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,150
Then I realized
how stupid it was,
190
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:31,919
and was I about to put it back.
191
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,754
I'm sorry.
192
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,793
All right, I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.
193
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:41,562
Instead of sending you to jail,
194
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,931
I'm going to put your picture
up on our Wall of Shame.
195
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:44,898
What's that?
196
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:47,668
All these people have either
197
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:50,804
shoplifted,
passed bad checks,
198
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:53,874
or are named Kill Moves.
199
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:56,744
Now, say, "Cheese."
200
00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:58,712
Cheese?
201
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:02,883
We have a two-strike policy
here at Goldstein's.
202
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,919
If we catch you here again,
that is strike two,
203
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,788
and you go to jail.
204
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,623
Goldstein's was ahead
of its time,
205
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,792
but one strike short.
206
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,962
I looked like a senator
caught in a bathroom.
207
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,832
What are you doing?
208
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:21,635
Trying to figure out
what to buy Mom
for Mother's Day.
209
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,203
I know what I'm getting her.
210
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:25,105
And it's barely
costing me anything.
211
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,674
What? A paper bag for your head,
212
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:28,642
so she won't have
to see your ugly face?
213
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:32,079
No. And, just for that,
I'm not telling you what it is.
214
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,882
MAN :
What have we got next
on the table, Donnie?
215
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:38,586
Holy cow, Lonnie!
I don't believe my eyes.
216
00:08:38,619 --> 00:08:40,320
It's a V-V-V-Voltron!
217
00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,189
Hey, don't you
have one of those?
218
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,191
I did, but Dad made
me get rid of it.
219
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,627
These guys are stupid.
220
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:47,895
A Voltron's not
worth anything.
221
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,830
They were less than $20.
222
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,164
But, due to high demand
and limited supply...
223
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,066
These babies
can be worth
224
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,135
up to $150!
225
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,204
What's worth $150!
226
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,973
He looks like that guy
that lives next door.
227
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:01,742
He was fabulous.
228
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,844
Back at school,
I was out of hot water,
229
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,846
but Greg thought it was cool.
230
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,715
I can't believe you
almost got arrested.
231
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,116
You're gonna get
so much street cred.
232
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,251
I don't need street cred;
I need a Mother's Day gift.
233
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:12,686
Well, it's
not too late
234
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,321
to still make her
something out of macaroni.
235
00:09:14,354 --> 00:09:17,124
Hey. You're
that black kid.
236
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,726
Yeah. Where did you come from?
237
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:21,161
Brooklyn. By way of Palermo.
238
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,230
Anyway, I overheard
your conversation.
239
00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,331
You need a Mother's Day gift?
240
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,699
Yeah. I'm looking
for Pure Voodoo.
241
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:29,036
Ooh! There goes
the college fund, huh?
242
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,038
But I got a guy can help you.
243
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:31,805
Really?
244
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,306
Yeah. Five bucks.
245
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:35,709
Wait. He has the perfume
for five dollars?
246
00:09:35,743 --> 00:09:36,877
No.
247
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,679
It's five bucks for the info.
248
00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:42,049
Oh. Well, better be good.
249
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:46,219
Yeah, see, the only thing is
he lives in a really,
250
00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:48,789
really bad neighborhood.
251
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,024
I don't even dare
go there myself.
252
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,025
Where is that?
253
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:53,360
Bed Stuy.
254
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,365
Are you telling me
I just paid you five dollars
255
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,868
so that you could tell me
to go see Risky?
256
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:05,405
So I guess I'm not
gonna get another five
257
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:07,675
out of you for the directions.
258
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,312
Oh, yeah, I got the latest
designer imposter perfumes.
259
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:15,749
Yeah. I've got
Chanel No. 45.
260
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:16,984
Huh?
261
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:20,353
Calvin Klein's Depression,
Revlon's Chucky...
262
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:21,722
Do you have Pure Voodoo?
263
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,891
Do I have Pure Voodoo?
264
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:25,826
Look at that. Pah-dow!
265
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:29,062
Wow, does this smell
like the original?
266
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:33,000
Same smell, same
bottle, same box.
267
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,935
An exact replica right
down to the letter.
268
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:36,336
And it's only $20.
269
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,906
Great. I'll take it.
270
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:41,709
Yo, for five dollars extra,
271
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,944
you can get this Ewing
cologne for Father's Day.
272
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:46,880
Hmm? It's the official
scent of Patrick Ewing.
273
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:48,315
Before or after the game?
274
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,717
No thanks.
275
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,857
While I was making
a fake purchase,
276
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:59,727
Drew and my dad were on the
hunt for their pot of gold.
277
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:00,961
After we get
the Voltron back,
278
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,096
maybe I can find a
gift for Mom in here.
279
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:04,364
Good idea.
280
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,399
'Cause everything
in here is dirt cheap.
281
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:07,467
Can I help you?
282
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,468
What are these?
283
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:09,737
Shoulder pads.
284
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,238
Aw. This is fantastic!
285
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,372
Mom will love it.
286
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,907
She will?
287
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,475
She's your mother,
not Lawrence Taylor.
288
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,078
Yeah. How much?
One dollar.
289
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,179
Sold.
290
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:21,214
Wow, that's cheap.
291
00:11:21,248 --> 00:11:23,316
Maybe I can find something
to put the flowers in.
292
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,786
Oh, I have this...
: vase.
293
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,154
Is that anything like a vase?
294
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,188
That's nice.
295
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,023
How much?
$50.
296
00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:31,825
$50?
Yeah.
297
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,994
You see, people
throw stuff away--
298
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,730
they have no idea
that it's valuable.
299
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:38,031
They're stupid.
300
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:39,800
Speaking of which--
301
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,902
we came here to buy
that Voltron action figure
302
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,303
we dropped off
the other day.
303
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:44,471
Yeah, it's worth
a lot of...
304
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:45,773
Memories.
305
00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:46,774
It's worth a lot
306
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,341
of memories to my boy.
307
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:50,210
Yeah, 150 of them.
308
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,179
Even though it's
totally worthless,
right, son?
309
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,881
Right, Dad.
310
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,949
Oh, it's not here.
311
00:11:55,983 --> 00:11:57,951
Everything that gets
dropped off,
312
00:11:57,985 --> 00:12:00,353
goes to the defumigation unit
first.
313
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,055
You cannot believe
how nasty
314
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:04,792
some of the stuff is
people give us.
315
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:07,094
Voltron hadn't taken
a shower in years.
316
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,796
Are you going to be
getting it back?
317
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,363
Well, after things
get cleaned,
318
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,132
they get sorted, logged
319
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,233
and distributed.
320
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:18,005
It'll either be here or at one
of our other stores.
321
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:19,873
You could check back
in a couple of days.
322
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:23,844
One dollar.
323
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:24,978
Thank you.
324
00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:26,847
Do you take coupons?
325
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,050
My father was getting
the blues,
326
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,452
but Tonya was singing
a whole different tune.
327
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:35,122
Billy Ocean Unplugged
for me.
328
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,759
Billy Ocean Filipino Queen
for me...
329
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:45,098
Billy Ocean Live at the
Pacific Ocean for moi...
330
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,970
Patti LaBelle for Mama.
331
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,307
And more Billy Ocean
for me.
332
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:57,310
On Mother's Day, all I could do
was hope my mother
333
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,546
didn't know the difference
between Pure Voodoo
334
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:01,414
and Pure Voo-don't.
335
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:04,084
ALL:
Happy Mother's Day!
336
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,418
Thank you-- ooh!
337
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,420
This vase is beautiful.
338
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:08,922
You deserve it.
339
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,057
Jules, you paid
340
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,892
$50 for this vase?
341
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,061
I'm sorry. I meant
to take that off.
342
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:15,863
No, he didn't.
343
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,998
Ma, here's my present.
Patti LaBelle.
344
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,000
Oh, Patti LaBelle!
345
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:24,437
Tonya, you shouldn't have
spent this much money on me.
346
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,473
She didn't spend a dime,
literally.
347
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,275
Happy Mother's Day, Ma.
348
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,844
Oh, Drew, what did
you get Mommy?
349
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:33,313
Shoulder pads!
350
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,248
This is just
what I wanted.
351
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:36,917
Oh, baby.
352
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,318
This is such a
wonderful gift.
353
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:41,321
Told you.
354
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:42,589
Here you go, Ma.
355
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:45,425
Oh, thank you, Chris.
356
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:49,196
But this is...!
Fake.
357
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:50,998
Pure Voodoo!
358
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,299
I know.
359
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,400
Oh, my God!
360
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:54,401
You're kidding me!
361
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,203
But where
362
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:59,239
I saved and saved and saved
and bought it at Goldstein's.
363
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,074
Actually I lied
and lied and lied
364
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,010
and bought it from Risky.
365
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,611
But this is the perfume.
366
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:07,547
Yeah, I figured
you deserved the best.
367
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:11,051
Oh, baby,
this is wonderful!
368
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:12,886
You know what?
369
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,287
I'm going to listen
to my album,
370
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,222
I'm going to look
371
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:18,325
at my flowers in their
very expensive vase,
372
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,128
I'm going to find
an outfit to wear
with my shoulder pads
373
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:24,397
and I'm going to sniff
on my Pure Voodoo!
374
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:25,632
Mm, mm, mm.
375
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:27,467
Seeing my mom that happy
made it all worth it.
376
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:28,435
Oh, my goodness.
377
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,070
At least until
the next morning.
378
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,313
After what Pure Voodoo
had done,
379
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:42,449
I didn't know whether
to call an itch doctor
380
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:43,483
or a witch doctor.
381
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:46,353
Voodoo got me!
382
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,627
After my mother went
to the doctor,
383
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,296
I was afraid I might be next.
384
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:57,597
So what did
the doctor say?
385
00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,266
Did you get this
from Goldstein's?
386
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:01,568
Uh... why?
387
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,503
'Cause they ripped
you off, baby.
No, they didn't.
388
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:04,938
They did?
389
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,439
Yes, this
perfume is fake.
390
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:10,677
They got a lot of nerve selling
fake perfume on Mother's Day.
391
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,612
So what are you
going to do?
392
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,247
We're going to go
get your money back.
393
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:16,383
While I headed back
to Goldstein's,
394
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,418
my father and Drew chased
a Voltron
395
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,387
all over town like
it owed them money.
396
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,621
Still not here.
397
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:25,258
Hey, Dad, look.
398
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,227
Jackpot.
399
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,462
Excuse me,
excuse me, sir,
400
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:30,663
sir, sir.
401
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,699
How much did you
pay for that?
Two dollars.
402
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,734
I'll tell you what,
I'll give you $20 for it.
403
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:36,669
$20?
$20.
404
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,538
Deal. Son, give
the nice man the toy.
405
00:15:38,571 --> 00:15:40,673
But, Dad, it's a Voltron.
406
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,476
For $20 you can have any
toy in the store you want.
407
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,478
I don't want
anything else.
408
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:46,546
I want this.
409
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,515
Do you know how
much $20 is worth?
410
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:50,317
I do. $20.
411
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:51,451
Exactly.
412
00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,353
They both spoke
the same language: cheap.
413
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,522
So give him
the toy.
414
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,159
Here you go, mister.
415
00:15:59,192 --> 00:16:00,693
All right.
416
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,030
There you go.
417
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,731
Five...
418
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:07,400
That's $20.
419
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:08,635
Actually, Dad, uh...
420
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:11,338
this is not the toy
we were looking for.
421
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,406
Drew, what in the world
are you talking about?
422
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,442
Dad.
423
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,244
I want him to have it.
424
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:18,478
Really?
425
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,446
Thanks.
426
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:21,981
Yeah, thanks.
427
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,519
That was a really nice
thing you did, son.
428
00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,088
Thanks, Dad.
429
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,322
This seems like
a nice moment now,
430
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,691
but when it sunk in how much
money he gave up,
431
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,326
my dad threw up
in the car.
432
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:36,629
I didn't have time
to formulate a plan,
433
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,731
so I did what I could
to not get recognized.
434
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:40,100
Why are you dressed
like that?
435
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,634
You look like you're
about to rob the place,
436
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,770
I think I'm going to check out
the new spring clothing line.
437
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:45,472
Oh, no you're not.
You're staying with me.
438
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,274
We're going to straighten
this mess out.
439
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:48,475
May I help you?
440
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:52,445
Yes, I would like to return
this bottle of Pure Voodoo.
441
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,247
What seems
to be the problem?
442
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:55,382
Well, this
443
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,717
is the problem.
444
00:16:57,750 --> 00:17:00,453
Your expensive perfume
gave me a rash.
445
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:01,688
Really?
446
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:05,292
No, I just like
putting on rash cream.
447
00:17:05,325 --> 00:17:07,327
Yes, really.
448
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:16,269
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
449
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,342
This is not our perfume.
450
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,643
What?
451
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:27,114
No, my son bought this
perfume from here.
452
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:29,516
I don't know kind of scam
you guys are trying to run...
453
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,518
And I do not know
what kind of scam
454
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:32,852
you are
trying to run.
455
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,687
But "Pure" is spelled wrong.
456
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,723
Wait. Let me...
457
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,491
It's right there.
458
00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:39,592
P-E-U-R.
459
00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:40,827
That's wrong.
460
00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:42,762
Although that is
a very good knockoff,
461
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,264
it is a knockoff
nonetheless.
462
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,399
The detail has been put
into matching
463
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,135
the general aromatic
tonality
464
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:49,636
of Pure Voodoo.
465
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:50,803
But as is
the case
466
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,805
with most counterfeits,
467
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:54,141
the packaging
lacks detail.
468
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,276
I should have known
by the ink.
469
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:58,311
I was about to tell the truth
470
00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,447
when the truth came
and told on me.
471
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,514
Aha!
472
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,383
Hey, Lionel. Strike two.
473
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,719
Now what?!
474
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,856
I'm so embarrassed.
475
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,891
When you buy something
for a penny,
476
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:15,828
unless it's a gum ball,
there's a catch.
477
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:19,199
Billy Ocean Caribbean Queen
Dance Remixes...
478
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,868
Billy Ocean Sings Sinatra...
479
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:23,636
Billy Ocean's Greatest Hits...
480
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:25,238
That one's a single.
481
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:26,839
"Amount due"?!
482
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:29,376
Tonya!
483
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:32,412
Tonya, you know you're not
to order anything in this house
484
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,214
without checking with me
or your mother first.
485
00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:36,549
But it said they were
only for a penny.
486
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:38,551
Baby, you're old enough
to know, no one's going
487
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:40,787
to sell you seven Billy Ocean
records for a penny.
488
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:42,422
They would today.
489
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,291
Look, you're going to have
to be more careful
490
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:45,225
about the things
you agree to.
491
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,294
Does that mean I have
to return the records?
492
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,630
Well, I'd hate for you
to have to give back
493
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:51,831
your Mother's Day gift.
494
00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:53,900
So I can keep them?
495
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,735
Thanks, Daddy.
496
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:58,171
Yeah, but you're
going to have to do
a lot of chores
497
00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,706
for a long time to
pay back that money.
498
00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:01,274
Yes, Daddy.
499
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:04,277
She did one dish,
and he called it even.
500
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,745
Fortunately, the store
let me go,
501
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,747
but unfortunately,
they let me go with my mother.
502
00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:10,483
I don't even want to know
what's in that box, do I?
503
00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:13,220
I want to show
you something.
504
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,188
Do you remember
this macaroni ashtray?
505
00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:17,790
Yeah, I made that for you three
years ago on Mother's Day.
506
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:21,160
And I almost got cancer trying
to use all 42 slots.
507
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:24,831
And what about these?
508
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,633
Yeah, the macaroni
509
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,635
shoe insoles.
510
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,303
I made those for you
in fifth grade.
511
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,271
They look good.
Did you ever use them?
512
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:34,607
No. But that year your
father was laid off
513
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:36,309
we almost had
to eat them.
514
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:38,511
And what about this?
515
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,513
A box of macaroni.
516
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,349
Yeah, kind of ran out
of ideas that year.
517
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:44,917
See, that's why I wanted to
make this year extra special.
518
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,586
These things are worthless.
519
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,521
No, you're wrong, Chris.
520
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:49,622
These things are priceless.
521
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:53,393
Only in a worldwide
macaroni shortage.
522
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,528
And I wouldn't trade any
of these gifts
523
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:56,929
for all of the designer perfume
524
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,598
in the world.
525
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,433
I would even care if you ever
got me another gift.
526
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:01,468
Liar.
527
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:03,403
Thanks, Mom.
528
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,705
That Mother's Day,
my mom realized
529
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,707
I would do anything for her.
530
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:10,710
And let's not forget about
this macaroni belt you got me.
531
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:13,380
Yeah, I made that for you
in third grade.
532
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:17,850
Well, it looks like you're going
to have to make another one.
533
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:21,588
I'm lucky she couldn't find
her macaroni bat.
534
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,290
* Everybody hates Chris.
535
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:27,427
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