Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: I always felt like an outsider at Corleone,

but I never felt more like an outsider

than when it was time for the ninth grade dance.

So, you going to the dance?

You're joking, right?

No, seriously. I think it's going to be cool.

For who?

When it came to dances,

there were two kinds: the white kind...

...and the black kind.

Why would I go to that dance anyway?

It's just a bunch of people who hate me,

hating me in a room while dancing.

We could film it and call it Dancing with the Bigots.

Well, I'm going.

Yeah, right.

With who?

What are you looking at?

Not her!

Look. There's only

so many athletes. They can't get all the girls.

Try telling that to the Knicks.

Dude, come on. I mean, when you look back

on your last year in junior high school,

what are you gonna tell people?

"I got my ass kicked at the ninth grade dance."

Look, man, I want to go, but if you haven't noticed, I'm black.

Who's gonna want to go with me?

Maybe Bubbles the chimp has a sister.

Unfortunately, she said no.

* Ah, make it funky now.

CHRIS ROCK: I thought I had made my mind up about the dance,

but at home, it was a split decision.

So, you don't want to go to your dance?

JULIUS: I don't blame him for not going.

He's the only black kid in an all-white school.

Believe me: I know what that's like.

You went to an all

I went to an all-white world.

Everything's all white:

schools, the grocery stores, the laundromats.

The NBA.

So, did you go to your school dance?

Yeah, I took this girl.

What was her name again?

Her name was "I haven't spoken to her in 25 years."

Well, how was the dance?

It wasn't good.

I hated the music.

The food was strange.

And, oh, yeah, I was the only black guy.

Well, you know, it all worked out in the end.

I mean, if you would have had a good time

with whatever her name is, you might not have met me.

You had a good time at your dance, and you still met me.

Sure did. How come I couldn't have a good time?

I'm not saying that you couldn't have a good time. You just said...

I did not. I'm just saying it's funny

how you don't remember her name after all these years.

That's exactly what you're saying. It's... Nothing funny...

Everybody remembers the name of the date they took to the prom.

Why do I have to remember her name? It was 25 years ago.

I was just having a loving moment. What does that mean?

Yes, they are arguing about a 25-year-old dance

where they didn't even know each other.

MAN: Hey, think fast.

DREW: Hey, Uncle Ryan!

What's up?

Ryan?

Man, why you got to say it like that?

You sound like I found you in witness protection.

All I want to know is, what big plans you have this time.

Why I got to have big plans?

How come I can't just be coming through to say hello?

Because you're not.

All right, you want to know?

I'm going to tell you.

I'm opening a car dealership.

Oh! Go, Drew.

My Uncle Ryan was Drew's favorite uncle

because he was a dreamer, and his dream was

to open a successful business.

He had some bad ideas.

RYAN: Fried bread crust.

Fried bread crust?

Some people like the inside of the bread.

This is for people that like the outside.

This is for people who like bypass surgery.

Mmm!

How much you need?

And a couple of good ideas.

They got 31 flavors of ice cream.

I got 31 flavors of chocolate milk.

Swiss chocolate, cinnamon chocolate,

raspberry chocolate,

maple chocolate, peanut butter chocolate.

You got to get in on this.

Well, what flavor is this?

This is milk chocolate.

Milk chocolate chocolate milk?

Official drink of diabetes.

Man! How much you need?

Unfortunately,

the lactose intolerance epidemic killed that one.

Oh, man, a car dealership?

Man, that is so cool.

You should sell Ferraris.

He'll have to steal them first.

A car dealership?

All I see is a vacant lot.

That's 'cause you got no vision.

No, that's because it's a vacant lot.

Look, you know how people have their cars repossessed, right?

Well, you could buy those cars at an auto auction for, like,

three, $400,

then sell them for four times as much.

Oh, man. Then we could use the extra money to buy a new car.

You know I don't like loaning money.

No, don't think of it as a loan.

You're letting your money work for you.

Think of it as getting your money a job.

Looks like my dad's getting a snow job.

How much you need?

Mama?

Yes, baby?

Can I take ballet?

Ballet?

Oh, baby.

Oh. I've been waiting for this day.

My mother always wished she had more talent.

She dreamt of being in a band.

* Do your dance, do your dance *

* Do your dance, quick

* Mama, come on, baby

* Tell me what's the word

* Word up

* Everybody say

* When you hear they call you

* You've got to get it underway... *

And since she couldn't do it, Tonya was the next best thing.

Oh, oh, hey, let's see, let's see.

Oh, we got to get you some slippers and some tights

and leotards, and you got to have leg warmers

and-and wristbands, and we got to get you some lessons.

And a stretching bar and a wall full of mirrors...

A Russian partner and a platinum card.

Deciding to go to the dance was easy.

Getting somebody to go with me was a lot harder.

Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?

You just did.

I'm just playing with you, Chris.

Now, what it is?

I have to ask a girl out to the dance.

I was wondering if you could give me some tips.

Asking is easy.

Not getting turned down-- that's the hard part.

How do you not get turned down?

The girl has to say yes.

What makes them say yes?

You never know.

Yes, you do:

money, fame, cars, jobs and diamonds.

But look, look, you got to take your chances.

If she says no, ask somebody else.

That's how I ended up with my first wife.

That's how he ended up divorced.

I decided to take Doc's advice

and ask every girl in the neighborhood.

Sorry. I'm going to Robert's school dance.

Look, I kissed you. It was a game.

It's over. Now leave me alone.

Are you crazy?

I'm not going to Brooklyn Beach to no dance.

It's all white people over there!

Dance?

With you? Please.

Quieres que corte?

Mejore hechas te paratras!

Better move to a bigger neighborhood.

Meanwhile, Greg made one small step for nerds,

one giant step for nerd-kind.

I got a date to the dance.

With who?

Jennifer. Doesn't she hate you?

Well, she does, but she also needs a math tutor.

I told her I'd get her a B,

and she agreed to walk in with me and dance with me twice.

In Greg's world, that was second base.

Wow. I asked just about every girl

in my neighborhood, and they all said no.

Well, why don't you just ask somebody here?

In all our time as friends,

this is the closest I ever came to punching Greg in the face.

How am I gonna get a girl from this school to go with me?

Just ask somebody.

I did. I asked Lisa, Sydney, Darlene,

and they all said no.

I even asked Ms. Morello.

Chris, I'm flattered, but no.

Where's Mary Kay Letourneau when you need her?

Would you ask her?

Oh, excuse me? Buzz off, sidekick.

I'm not the sidekick.

He's the sidekick.

Sorry, dude.

Not to mention, lonely dude.

CHRIS ROCK: For me, the dance was over,

but Greg was getting the party started.

Dude, I know who you can ask to go to the dance with you.

Who is she?

Her name's Carrie.

She's kind of quiet. She slips under the radar.

Like Al Qaeda.

How long has she been in our class?

Since we got here.

I had never paid much attention

to her, but when I thought back,

she was there when I first got to Corleone.

Oh, yeah, now

I remember her.

How do you know she's not going?

Well, Jennifer told me.

I mean, she wants to go, just nobody's asked her yet,

and she really doesn't care who she goes with.

No standards, no problem.

Carrie? Yeah.

Hi. I'm Chris. You're in Ms. Morello's class.

Yeah. I never really noticed you before.

That happens a lot.

So, you going to the ninth grade dance with anybody?

No. You want to take me?

So much for the smooth approach.

Yeah.

Good.

Call me.

We'll talk about it.

I wouldn't get a date that easy again until...

Actually, I never got a date that easy again.

Over at the auto auction,

my uncle was bidding to strike it rich.

This is a very solid vehicle.

Only 17,000 miles, originally sold for $12,000.

We're going to start the bidding off at $100.

I'm looking for $100.

I got $100. I'll go for $150.

$150. $150.

Thank you very much. $150. Looking for two.

$200. $200. $200. Give me $200.

And I'm looking for $250.

$250. $250. $250.

Thank you. $250. Looking for three.

I got $300. $300. $300 right there...

That guy wants the same car.

Don't worry. I'll get it.

$325 right over there.

Thank you, sir. $325, looking for $350.

$350

$350. Okay, $350.

Four hundred!

Do you mind?

Sorry.

$400 right here.

$400. Looking for $450.

Anybody $450?

$450. Holding up $400. Going once.

Holding $400 twice.

Sold!

Hey, you won an auction, not The Price is Right.

Okay, well, this looks like everything.

Yeah. slippers, leg warmers, tights,

hair band, leotard, sweater, tutu,

stretching bar and mirrors for the wall.

You spent a lot of money.

Baby, when you are up there

in your first performance of Swan Lake,

oh, it will all be worth it.

So I guess that means Swan Lake pays $92.87.

So, now all we got to do is sign you up for class.

And help her develop an eating disorder.

Put this on.

Oh, cute. That is cute.

Since I was going to the dance with Carrie,

I tried to get to know her a little better.

We did a little walking,

a little talking and a little eating.

So, you've been here the whole time,

and you don't have any friends?

What are you, black?

I don't like that many people.

I got the exact opposite problem.

Not too many people like me.

While we were talking about people,

people were talking about us.

: Why would she go with him?

He's so dirty.

I think he's blackmailing her, and he's so ignorant.

Anybody would be better than him.

He's so... sneaky.

That was the nice way of putting it.

What they really meant was...

: What is she thinking?

He's so black.

Has she lost her mind? He's black.

Did somebody hit her in the head with a baseball bat,

poke her eyes out and shoot her up with drugs?

Doesn't she know he's black?

Talk about me going to the dance with Carrie

spread like wildfire,

and the fire looked something like this.

Well, seems like it's in pretty good shape,

except for one thing.

This car has been underwater.

Underwater?

Yup.

Well, can you fix it?

Yeah, but it's gonna cost you about $900.

DREW: What We could take

the parts out and sell them

and get more than we bought it for.

Did anybody ask you?

I thought getting a date to the dance would be

the hard part, but having a date made things even worse.

Dude, I've heard what people have been saying.

This is ridiculous.

They're treating you like...

Like I'm going out with a white girl?

Hey, Pete, Linc.

Where's Julie? Funny.

I know.

Me and some of the kids

chipped in and got you something?

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Better than Mandingo.

The kids at school didn't want me to go

to the dance with Carrie, but I knew everyone

at the barbershop would support me.

No, no! No! You're going to the dance

with a white girl? RISKY: Now, what's the big deal?

He's going to the school dance,

and it's with somebody from the school.

Thank you.

Hey, Monk, you ever dated a white girl?

Nope. But I took a Vietnamese girl to my prom.

Vietnamese? North or South?

South. ALL: Ooh.

Well, anyhow, she spent the whole night

hiding under the deejay booth.

She was hiding from him.

Well, I don't know a lot about white women,

but I know two things:

when you perm their hair, it gets curly, not straight;

and when you invite one to your after party,

somebody's going to jail.

And it ain't the white girl.

Man, my uncle used to always tell me,

"If you see me with a white girl,

I'm holding her for the police."

Nicole Richie said the same thing.

Hey, Carrie, can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.

I've been thinking about this dance.

Me, too.

I don't even know what I'm gonna wear.

What about you? What are you wearing?

Nothing. 'Cause I'm not going.

When we come back,

I'm gonna make matters worse by hitting her

with a bucket of blood.

Oh, baby, I forgot to tell you,

Tonya's taking ballet lessons.

Ballet

Too, too much.

You're supposed to say, "Oh, baby, that's great!

Good luck!"

Oh, baby, that's great.

Good luck. How much?

Not much, I just had to buy her

an outfit and a few other things.

Well, what happened with you and Ryan?

Nothing.

Hey, Ma, did Dad tell you about the car that we bought

that was dragged out of the river?

What?

Note to self: when doing wrong,

leave Drew at home.

So you bought a car?

It's a long story. No, it's not.

All you had to do was say, "Baby, I bought a car."

Hey, man.

Did you find a girl to take to the dance?

Yep. Oh, that's great.

Did you find an outfit to wear?

Do you have something in a white

I'm not going.

Why not?

'Cause...

no one wants to see me go with a white girl.

Not even blind people.

Aren't you gonna say something?

I guess, "Whew! That was a close one"

would be the wrong thing.

Turns out I wasn't the only one having

second thoughts about dancing.

Aren't you excited?

I guess.

Kind of nervous.

Baby, this is what we've been dreaming of.

Don't be nervous.

See, once you learn the moves,

then you're gonna have a recital,

and then you're gonna be

recruited by the Dance Theater of Harlem

or the New York City Ballet.

And then you're gonna move to Russia

and change your name to Svetlana.

Ma, I don't want to move to Russia.

Can we go home?

Oh, okay, I guess.

I'll just tell your dad

that we spent all his hard-earned money

for nothing.

She pulled the same trick when Tonya

didn't want to finish college.

Hey! How're you doing?

Hello, ladies!

I don't know what you're going to do about this,

but I need that money back.

Oh, I'm already ahead of you.

What, you put $400 in my wallet?

Don't worry, bro. I got you.

Where'd you get that?

Sold the car to a dolphin.

From my new business, Ryan's Auto Parts.

Drew was right.

The car had water damage,

but the parts were in pretty good shape.

So I scrapped it and made 1,100 bucks.

$1,100? Here, Drew.

50 bucks? Ah, cool!

Hey, I'm going to head down to the auction

and see if I can find another one. You in?

You insane?

You know, I think I'm gonna give my money

a few days off work.

I'm in.

Drew's money took my father's

money's job and made $150.

So that's it?

You cancel on me?

You quit talking to me

and I'm just supposed to be fine with that?

Look, I'm sorry.

People were saying bad stuff about us.

I didn't want to put you through that.

So I'm not going to the dance

because you can't take a little name

What happened to "Bed"

What's the worst they can call you?

Stymie, Buckwheat, Rochester,

Grady, Rollo,

Junior Mint, Bosco,

Chim Chim, Shoe Sole,

Lakeside, Skillet, Count Chocula, Mudpie...?

You done?

Look, I was just trying to look out for you.

If you were looking out for me,

we'd still be going to the dance.

You don't mind going with a black guy?

You're black?!

Why didn't anyone tell me?

What was I thinking?

If you really didn't want to go with me,

all you had to do was say so.

I don't even see why you asked.

It's not so bad.

A black girl would've burned my house down.

*

Okay, ladies, that's good for today.

And Tonya, great job.

You'll make a wonderful ballerina.

Thank you.

See, honey?

I told you you would be great.

Yeah, but you also threatened to slap

the arch out of my foot if I wasted Daddy's money.

: Don't say that too loud.

The night of the dance, I was all funked up.

So you're sure you don't want to go to that dance, huh?

Yeah, that was a bad idea from the start.

And when I say "start," I mean coming here from Africa.

Let me ask you something.

You still want to go?

Yeah, kind of.

Then you should go.

You can't let anybody stop you from doing what you want to do.

Yes, I can.

But I thought you didn't want me to go.

Well, those were for my reasons.

You need your own.

And right now, you don't have one.

Well, I kind of wanted to go with a date.

You can go on a date anytime.

Where's a laugh track when you need it?

But this is your ninth grade dance.

It's still the dance, whether you have a date

or not.

You went to see Rocky III by yourself.

It was still Rocky III.

Dad?

Thanks.

For what?

For not going on for two hours about how

things are still the same even if you do it by yourself.

He came back two hours later and did it anyway.

Going to the ninth grade dance by myself,

I found out a couple of things.

One, nobody expected to see me there,

and two, I didn't care.

Hey, Beat Street.

Got nobody to Electric Boogaloo with?

No, I'm here by myself.

I guess that makes two losers here tonight.

Two? Yeah.

You and Teena Marie over there.

Hey, man, you remember Jennifer, right?

Hey, Jennifer.

I didn't say you could

introduce me to people.

The deal is we dance,

I stand next to you, you help me with my grade.

You want to add things, we have to talk about it.

I'm just saying "hi" to a friend.

No, I saying "hi" to your friend.

Let's dance.

I don't want this to last any longer than it has to.

I gotta go.

After getting talked about, put down,

and hated like it was my first day at school,

I figured I might as well get something

out of going to that dance.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to come to the dance, so I came.

Yeah. Me, too.

I'm sorry for canceling on you.

Yeah, well... you did what you had to do.

So, you want to dance?

Why would I want to dance with you?

'Cause it looks like it's either me or nobody else.

Yes.

"Yes," what?

I want to dance.

You look nice.

Shut up. I'm still mad at you.

Later that night, four guys

still beat the crap out of me in the bathroom,

but if I hadn't gone to my ninth grade dance,

that never would have happened.

Hey, Carrie, I'm going to lunch. You want to come?

No. I wanted to go to the dance.

We went. I'm done.

You need a friend, talk to somebody else.

Quit staring at me, bug eyes.

* Everybody hates Chris.