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Everybody Hates Chris #60
"Everybody Hates Being Cool"
Closed Captioned
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00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:08,342
CHRIS ROCK:
At 15, I was sick
of being a nerd.
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00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,710
When you're a nerd, people
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00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:13,147
you want to pay attention
to you ignore you,
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00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,616
and the people you wish would
ignore you, pay attention.
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00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,618
And I was done with it.
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00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:20,221
From now on,
I was going to be cool.
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00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,190
Cool guys got everything--
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00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:27,095
girls, cars, girls,
money, girls.
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00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:29,330
But what exactly is cool?
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00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,699
I tried the surfer look.
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00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,501
* See it in your walk
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00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,137
* Tell 'em when you talk...
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00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:39,773
I tried the superhero look.
15
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:43,311
* You got the right stuff,
baby... *
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00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:44,778
I tried the cowboy look,
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00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:47,081
but I ended up with
the Village People look.
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00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,749
No matter what I did,
I ended up
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00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:50,518
looking as cool
as a fat guy
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00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,453
in a sweat suit with
a herringbone chain.
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00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,796
* Ah, make it funky now.
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00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:06,800
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
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Since I knew nothing
about being cool,
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00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:30,158
I decided to consult with
the coolest guy I knew
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00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:32,693
to find out his secrets.
26
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,662
Hey, little dude
from across the street.
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00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:35,529
Let me hold a dollar.
28
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:37,865
Hey, man, can I talk
to you for a minute?
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00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:38,866
Yeah.
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00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,434
Later on.
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00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,306
What do you think
makes a guy cool?
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00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:47,175
Cool?
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00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,377
Man, nothing makes you cool.
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00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:52,380
You either cool or you're not.
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00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,315
But what if you're
not born cool,
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00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:55,683
and you want to be?
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00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:58,186
Well, the fastest way
is to associate yourself
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00:01:58,219 --> 00:01:59,720
with cool people.
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00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,689
That way you're cool
by association.
40
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,457
But why would they want
to hang with me?
41
00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:06,860
Look, man, it starts
with attitude, all right?
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00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:09,597
Followed by a little
head gear.
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00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:10,664
Accompanied by the walk.
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00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:11,665
The walk?
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00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:14,568
Yes, man.
All right-- the walk.
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00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:19,507
You got to put a lean
in your walk, man.
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00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:20,741
You know, like
you're slightly bothered
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00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:22,576
by an old gunshot
wound to the hip.
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00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:23,777
Like this.
50
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:24,912
Easy for him--
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00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:27,615
he had a gunshot wound
to the hip.
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00:02:28,916 --> 00:02:31,585
You see?
Now you try.
53
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,658
Nah, man, that ain't it.
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00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,527
Look, uh...
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00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,629
The collar, that's right.
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00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,731
Get this collar
popped up, man.
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00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:46,600
All right, now try again.
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00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:49,270
I can't watch this.
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00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:50,904
Nah, nah, that's...
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00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,740
that's not it at all.
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00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,242
All right, look,
we definitely
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00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:57,245
gonna have to pull out
the big guns on this.
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00:02:57,278 --> 00:02:59,580
Now, the coolest boy
in the world right now
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00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:01,582
is LL Cool J.
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00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,284
And you think you can
make me look like him?
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00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:06,220
Let's find out.
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00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:11,892
Not bad. Not bad at all.
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00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,627
Hey, Chris.
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00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:15,263
It's working already?!
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00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:16,697
Let me hold a dollar.
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00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,733
Here's my self-respect, too.
Keep the change.
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00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:23,771
Well, got to go, little dude
from across the street.
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00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,673
Stay cool.
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00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,742
While I was on my way
to being cool,
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00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:31,779
spring cleaning was
making my mother hot.
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00:03:33,381 --> 00:03:34,648
Ugh!
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00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:37,318
Look at all this junk.
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00:03:47,395 --> 00:03:49,797
No he didn't.
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00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:51,899
Julius!
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00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:54,635
What's going on?
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00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,371
This is what's going on.
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00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:59,907
You told me you were going
to get rid of that years ago.
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00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,642
Instead you just
hid it from me?
84
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:02,710
It wasn't hid.
85
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:03,611
Yes, it was.
86
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,813
It was underneath
your camouflage jacket.
87
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,881
It was camouflaged!
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00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:08,749
Baby, it's a good coat.
89
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:12,019
Do you remember who
gave you this coat?
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00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:14,855
I think it was Janet.
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00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:15,956
You're damn right!
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00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:18,359
So when you told me that you
were gonna get rid of it,
93
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:20,861
that means you were lying,
so now you're a liar?
94
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,364
Yes.
You're acting like you
pulled Janet out of the closet.
95
00:04:23,397 --> 00:04:24,965
What difference
does it make?
96
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:28,536
It's a coat, not
a woman-- damn!
97
00:04:28,569 --> 00:04:30,804
So you're telling me
you're going to keep the coat,
98
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:34,074
even though I'm telling you
I don't want you to keep it?
99
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,744
Yeah. I see no sane
reason to get rid of
it, so I'm keeping it.
100
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,979
Okay, fine.
101
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,714
Keep the coat, Julius.
102
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:43,050
I hope it keeps you warm.
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00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:46,086
Takes a brave man to choose
a coat over a woman.
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00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,788
A brave stupid man.
105
00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:54,061
Hey, man, did you
get shot in the leg?
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00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:55,763
No, why?
107
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,097
'Cause you're walking
like it hurts.
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00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,600
I'm just trying
to be cool.
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00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,369
It's not working.
110
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:02,903
It's not working?
111
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,072
Look at you-- you look like
a powder blue Dean Martin.
112
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,375
Technically, I look like
a powder blue Joey Bishop.
113
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:08,409
Whatever.
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00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:09,510
We need to change
our images.
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00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,878
I don't know about you,
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00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,813
but I'm tired of being at
the bottom of the totem pole.
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00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:13,881
A powder blue totem pole.
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00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:14,915
That's true.
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00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,717
I want to be
like them.
120
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:22,723
Tell me why they
don't go to school
and they don't work,
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00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,124
but they have great cars
and great girls?
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00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:24,925
Because they're criminals.
123
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,960
Those are the kids
from the arcade.
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00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,697
We can't be like them.
125
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,932
I mean, those kids
have either been suspended,
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00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,934
expelled or dropped
out of school.
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00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:35,836
When you're old,
that makes you a loser,
128
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:38,806
but when you're young,
it gives the illusion of cool.
129
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,108
Shh, be quiet.
130
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:45,446
Hey, kid, you got a cigarette?
131
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,948
No, but I got some gum.
132
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:49,850
Forget it.
133
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:54,822
It's spearmint.
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00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,056
And sugar-free.
135
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:58,025
I don't think he's listening.
136
00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,493
Well, we learned
one thing--
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00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,595
cool guys have
cigarettes.
138
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,864
Now before you go getting
all upset,
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00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:06,967
in 1986,
almost everybody smoked.
140
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:08,869
People didn't give a damn
about health.
141
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,038
Here's a partial list
of things in this picture
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00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,407
that people didn't know
where dangerous.
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00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:25,118
Eventually, all these people
died horribly,
144
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:27,655
but while they lived,
they were cool.
145
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:30,758
My brother Drew was so cool,
he could do anything.
146
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:33,527
But in the spring of '86,
that changed.
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00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:36,497
Here, take this thing
away from me.
What's this?
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00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:37,931
It's evil.
149
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:38,932
The Rufus Cube--
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00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:41,001
the most diabolical puzzle
ever invented.
151
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,904
It caused nervous breakdowns,
divorces and suicides
152
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,839
because it was almost
impossible to solve.
153
00:06:45,873 --> 00:06:47,708
This looks easy.
154
00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:52,546
Chris, I got to go into the
library for a few minutes.
155
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:53,681
Watch the register.
156
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,082
The library?
157
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,017
Yeah, I got to go
to the bathroom.
158
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,520
I do some of my best
handicapping in the john.
159
00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:01,154
Keep an eye
on the register.
160
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:03,991
A big part of being cool
is taking advantage
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00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:07,094
of opportunities
when they present themselves.
162
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,199
Now that I had cigarettes,
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00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:16,003
I had the start
of what I needed.
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00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,038
A real cool guy
wouldn't have paid,
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00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,807
but Nerdy McGee
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00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,875
would have felt too guilty.
167
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,111
Even though I had the keys
to being cool,
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00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:25,879
Greg was locked
into being a square.
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00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:28,115
All right, just put one
of these behind your ear.
170
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,182
Dude, that's contraband.
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00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:30,951
The Surgeon General
told us not to...
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00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,554
Greg, do you want
to look cool or not?
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00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,589
Yeah, but I don't want
to be a fugitive.
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00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,192
Freeze!
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00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,728
Go! Go! Go! Go!
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00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:42,262
Get down!
All the way down!
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00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,064
Slowly remove the cigarette
178
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,566
away from your ear.
179
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:48,769
Stay there, dirtbag!
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00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,003
You don't have
to smoke it.
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00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,839
You just have to put it
behind your ear
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00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:54,107
and walk around like
those guys at the arcade.
The arcade?
183
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,776
I'd like to get back
in there again.
184
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:56,977
You went in the arcade?
185
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,011
Yeah, once.
186
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,554
Forget that.
187
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,121
That was before
you looked cool.
188
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,923
Okay, man, I'll try it.
189
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:11,959
Yeah.
190
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,727
Oh, remember, you get caught
with a cigarette in school
191
00:08:13,761 --> 00:08:14,728
is an automatic suspension.
192
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,697
Right, it's just to walk around
and look cool
193
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:17,831
for the other kids.
Right.
194
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,667
So how do I look?
195
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,902
Nervous. Come on, man,
pop your collar.
196
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,805
Put your shades on.
Roll up your pant leg.
197
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,273
Okay.
198
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:31,545
Better.
199
00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:32,646
No it's not.
200
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:33,881
All right, let's make a pact.
201
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:35,916
If either one of us gets caught
by the teacher
202
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,150
we don't rat out the other.
Deal?
203
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:38,919
Deal.
204
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,557
Chris gave it to me.
205
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,292
Chris?
206
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,828
I'm so disappointed
in you.
207
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:48,962
I know that nicotine,
208
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:51,865
pork rinds
and malt liquor
209
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:53,667
are the black man's vices...
210
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,135
You forgot white women.
211
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,571
...but why infect Gregory?
212
00:08:57,605 --> 00:08:59,673
Because I wanted
to be cool.
213
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,942
Now I just feel like a fool.
214
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,310
I don't know.
215
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:05,178
Well, I'm sorry, Chris,
216
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,947
but you're suspended.
217
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:10,050
When my parents found out, I
was finally going to be cool.
218
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,585
Cool as a corpse.
219
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,157
My father had worked
hard all day.
220
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,259
But my mother had been
to space.
221
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,161
You went to work
like that?
222
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:22,896
Don't you know you
could get fired?
223
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:23,997
What did your boss say?
224
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,870
So you say you
want a raise?
225
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,273
I got a raise.
226
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:36,343
You shouldn't
be wearing that.
227
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:37,745
Get rid of it.
228
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:40,347
Oh, I'll be happy
to get rid of it...
229
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,182
as long as you get rid
of that jacket.
230
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,884
I'm not getting rid
of my jacket.
231
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:44,918
Fine.
232
00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:46,053
Fine.
233
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,888
Fine!
234
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:48,956
Not fine.
235
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:54,695
When you get suspended from
school, they call your parents.
236
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:57,931
So if the phone rang,
this could be my last meal.
237
00:09:57,965 --> 00:10:00,400
So what's going on, Chris?
238
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,902
What you mean?
239
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:02,936
There's something
different about you.
240
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,371
Did you get
a haircut?
241
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:06,774
No.
Well, you look kind of cool.
242
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,776
What he thought was cool
was actually terror.
243
00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:11,111
Mama, why are you
dressed like that?
244
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,080
Ask your father.
245
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,414
Daddy, why is Mama
dressed like that?
246
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:15,783
Maybe your mother doesn't know
the difference
247
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:16,884
between a perfectly
good coat
248
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:17,885
and a spacesuit.
249
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:20,087
Better be glad she doesn't
have a ray gun.
250
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,255
So, Chris, how was
your day at school?
251
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:23,323
It was all right.
252
00:10:23,356 --> 00:10:24,792
Anything interesting happen?
253
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,426
No.
DREW:
You sure?
254
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,729
'Cause usually you talk
more about school.
255
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:30,397
Can't get you
to stop talking about it.
256
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:31,732
Nothing happened
257
00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:32,866
at school, okay?
258
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,034
It was just like
any other day.
259
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,002
Any other bad day.
260
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:37,337
Why are you talking
to your brother like that?
261
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,706
He's just asking
you a question.
262
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,373
Yeah, Chris, calm down.
263
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:43,276
Drew, will you put that
thing down and eat your dinner?
264
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,713
Dad, I've almost got it.
I can't stop.
265
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,180
Either you eat your dinner
or do the cube.
266
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:48,181
What's it's going to be?
267
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:49,382
I'll take the cube.
268
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:52,953
I thought somehow I had dodged
269
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,087
the suspension bullet,
270
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,323
but actually it was just loaded
in a different gun.
271
00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:57,357
Hey, Chris, wait up.
272
00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:00,027
What's up?
273
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:01,261
Nothing. Just thought I should
tell you about my day.
274
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:04,998
What about it?
Oh, I just sat around
the house by myself,
275
00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:06,099
answering phones,
taking messages.
276
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:07,901
Good for you.
277
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,169
Yeah, I talked
to Grandma,
278
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:11,071
Uncle Michael, the principal
from your school,
279
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,973
Daddy...
280
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,441
Never underestimate
the power of the Devil.
281
00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:17,110
Wait a minute, did you say
the principal from my school?
282
00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:18,378
Yeah, you know, they always call
283
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,848
when they suspend somebody from
school for having cigarettes.
284
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,950
Did they think you were Ma?
285
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,217
I don't know.
I just answered the phone
286
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:25,953
and they started talking.
287
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:28,055
You out three days... I guess
that's a total of $15.
288
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:29,990
What is?
289
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,091
Five dollars a day.
290
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:33,060
You know it's going to cost
to keep my mouth shut.
291
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,996
The price of being
cool was steep,
292
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:38,031
but it beat the price
of being beat.
293
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,337
Getting suspended from school
was hard,
294
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,006
but figuring out what I was
going to do
295
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,107
with my day was harder.
296
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,143
Hey, man, what are
you doing here?
297
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,045
I had nowhere else to go.
298
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,881
You're not still mad
at me, are you?
299
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:55,148
Yeah, actually, I am.
300
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:56,149
You ratted me out.
301
00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:57,517
I'm torn about it, man.
302
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,920
Please, don't make me feel
any worse than I already am.
303
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,922
Why did you cave so fast?
304
00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:04,024
My therapist says
I'm bad under pressure.
305
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,358
I'm just not cool.
306
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,060
No kidding.
307
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,528
Forget about it.
It's all right.
308
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:11,064
So what are you going
to do all day?
I don't know...
309
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:13,166
wander around till
it's time to go home.
310
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,803
Maybe I'll see
you at lunch.
311
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:18,105
Got to go.
312
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,314
Well, all right.
313
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:30,183
I was at the arcade, but I was
afraid if I went in
314
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:33,020
what happened to Greg
would happen to me.
315
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,525
Hey, it's Juicy Fruit.
316
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,329
Hey, want a smoke?
317
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:43,831
Look at Juicy Fruit.
318
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,565
Thanks, man.
319
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,834
What you up to?
320
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,301
Nothing. Just hanging.
321
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:49,136
What's the matter,
Juicy Fruit,
322
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,104
you get lost
on the way to school?
323
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,405
No, actually,
I got kicked out.
324
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,841
So did I.
325
00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:54,975
So did I.
326
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,043
Actually,
we all did.
327
00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:58,478
Except for Vinnie.
He never went.
328
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:01,081
Hey, come on in,
hang out for awhile.
329
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,382
Cool.
330
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,885
I might not smoke,
but right now I'm on fire.
331
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,820
You could do this
yourself, Julius.
332
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,922
Yeah, but every time I do,
I nick my head.
333
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,057
You know what's
going on?
334
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,591
You got a lot of bumps
back here, man.
335
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:13,526
Lot of lumps in the back
of your head, man.
336
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,196
My grandmother used to read
these things, man.
337
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,365
The configuration is telling me
you got a lot of tension.
338
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,834
Yeah, well, that's true.
339
00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:22,870
Oh, got one coming
at 2:00.
340
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,404
In barbershops
across America
341
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,139
somebody's always on
the lookout for women.
342
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:27,307
No matter how they look.
343
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,142
Oh, man.
344
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,543
Look at that outfit.
345
00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:32,512
Man, she looks a fool.
346
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,381
I wished my mama
looked like that.
347
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:35,548
I'd never
leave the house.
348
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:36,984
Here she come across
that street.
349
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,518
Come on, come on, get
a little closer, baby.
350
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:41,621
Uh-uh-uh! That is a
Cadillac walk right there.
351
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:42,956
Honky Cadillac.
352
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,993
Wait a minute...
Man, that's...
353
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:48,461
Who? Hey, hey,
who is it?
354
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:51,198
No, don't worry
about it, man.
355
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:52,332
Where'd she go?
356
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,467
Hey, everybody.
357
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,970
Hey.
Hey.
358
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,105
Hey, baby, I was
just wondering
359
00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,306
what you wanted
for dinner tonight?
360
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,008
Rochelle...
361
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:04,644
I guess I'm
interrupting something.
362
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,114
You know what?
I'll just make
you roast beef.
363
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:10,217
Bye, boys.
364
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:17,324
Man, you got problems.
365
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:20,060
You got that right.
366
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:23,096
The next day, I had no question
about where I was going.
367
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,164
Hey, Juicy Fruit,
368
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,365
you want some beer?
369
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:27,300
Nah, I only drink beer
with my dinner.
370
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,169
Maybe we should go get
something to eat later.
371
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:32,005
Maybe. So what we doing
for the rest of the day?
372
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,441
Just about time to go
pick up Vito.
373
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,176
You're gonna
love Vito.
374
00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:37,477
Who's Vito?
375
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:38,946
He's a friend of ours.
376
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:39,980
He gets out today.
377
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,148
Out of what?
378
00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:44,317
Come on, let's go.
379
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:45,185
You're cute,
Juicy Fruit.
380
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,653
You're not too bad-looking
yourself.
381
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:00,300
Trixie had her eye on me,
382
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,369
but somebody else
had their eye on us.
383
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:10,077
GUARD:
This way, Vito.
384
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,578
All right, Vito--
see you again.
385
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,413
Later that day, I met Vito.
386
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:15,382
He was the guy these guys
looked up to.
387
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,417
He was also a convict.
388
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,389
Who's this?
389
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,091
He's Juicy Fruit.
390
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:24,924
Juicy Fruit?
391
00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:26,559
What kind of name
is Juicy Fruit?
392
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:27,961
My real name is Chris.
393
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,396
Don't worry about it.
He's cool.
394
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:30,663
Yeah?
395
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,099
You cool, Juicy Fruit?
396
00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,266
Yeah, I'm cool.
397
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,968
Not with that nickname.
398
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,536
We'll see about that
the day after tomorrow.
399
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:38,238
What happens the day
after tomorrow?
400
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,407
We're going to get the guys
who ratted on me.
401
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,376
We'd do it tomorrow, but I need
one day to get the guns.
402
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,512
And you're going to be
the lookout.
403
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,480
So you cool with
that, Juicy Fruit?
404
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:49,282
Mama!
405
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,022
ROCK:
Before I went ahead with
being a lookout,
406
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,389
I got a second opinion
from Doc.
407
00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:58,558
And they want you to be
the lookout?
408
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,293
Yeah, I mean, I don't want
to do it,
409
00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:03,196
but these kids like me and I've
come so far on my coolness.
410
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,032
And I'm just
the lookout.
411
00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,367
I can't get in any real trouble.
Wrong.
412
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,036
You don't know nothing
about crime, do you?
413
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,303
You act as
a lookout,
414
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,472
while something
felonious occurs,
415
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,042
that makes you
an accessory.
416
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,743
Yeah, but I'll still
be cool, right?
417
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,345
Wrong again.
418
00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:21,348
There are a lot of subheadings
to being an accessory.
419
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:23,516
You can be an accessory
before the fact.
420
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,785
You can be an accessory
after the fact.
421
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,621
Or you can be an accessory
during the fact.
422
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:29,722
In any event,
423
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:32,592
if you get caught,
you going to jail.
424
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:35,328
Doc spent three to five
as an accessory.
425
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:39,166
Do you know how embarrassed
I was when you walked in
there in that outfit?
426
00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:40,433
I don't see why.
427
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:44,271
That was a perfectly good pair
of hot-pink fishnet stockings.
428
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,339
I don't see any sane reason
not to wear them.
429
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,441
Okay, you win.
430
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:50,443
I'll get rid of the coat.
431
00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:52,412
You sure?
432
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,181
Now I don't want
to twist your arm.
433
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,049
That's a good coat.
434
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:59,486
Baby, you look like you're
about to ease on down the road.
435
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,621
Yeah, I'm sure.
436
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:04,191
When all else fails, quit.
437
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,526
Where's Drew?
Dinner's almost ready.
438
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,495
He's upstairs working
on that cube.
439
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,363
He's been messing
with it all day.
440
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:12,465
He is obsessed
with that thing.
441
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:14,267
What'd you do at
school today, Chris?
442
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:17,504
Oh, you know,
same old, same old.
443
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:20,440
TANYA:
My day was great.
444
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,574
We're learning
time tables.
445
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:22,809
Today we did fives.
446
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:24,644
Five times one is five,
447
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:26,246
and five times
two is ten,
448
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:29,249
and five times
three is 15.
449
00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:31,084
And five times four is a brick
upside your head.
450
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,689
Sure, I could have
not shown up,
451
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,159
but then every time the
cool guys saw me at school,
452
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,594
they'd say, "Hey, there goes
the guy that's not cool."
453
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,163
All right,
454
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:44,464
you stand here.
455
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,166
If the cops come,
you blow this whistle.
456
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:47,534
Got it?
457
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,469
Yeah, but I don't really
think we should be here.
458
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,404
I was out where
the buses don't run.
459
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:54,374
I had lost touch
with the mothership.
460
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,875
I was someplace
where I didn't belong.
461
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:57,444
Chris, what are
you doing here?
462
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:58,411
Sweatin'.
463
00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:00,280
I'm hanging with the
guys from the arcade.
464
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,148
The cool kids?
465
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,649
I don't know if
they're cool anymore.
466
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:03,816
What's going on?
467
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,185
I'm a lookout.
468
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:06,586
And if the cops come,
469
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,388
I'm supposed to blow
this whistle.
470
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,522
Dude, that makes you
an accessory
471
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:10,890
before, during
and after the fact.
472
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,859
I know.
I don't even want to be here.
473
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:14,294
But I'm kind of stuck.
474
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:15,762
You got to think
about this, Chris.
475
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,330
My uncle was a lookout
one time,
476
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,132
and he ended up getting
shot in the throat.
477
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:20,367
In the throat?
478
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,901
Yeah, he didn't die,
479
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,503
but he ended up
wearing a turtleneck
480
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:24,537
for the rest of his life.
481
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,241
I knew if I didn't blow
that whistle
482
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,143
I would never be
one of the cool kids.
483
00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:32,145
In fact, the cool kids
might kill me.
484
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:34,547
But if being cool
meant going to prison,
485
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:36,349
that price was just too high.
486
00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:37,717
So what are you
going to do?
487
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:40,287
I did what any nerd would do.
488
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:43,423
That day, Drew lost
489
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,225
his cool, too.
490
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,394
What's wrong with you?
491
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,628
Take this thing
away from me.
492
00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,297
It's evil.
493
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:51,498
I know.
I hate these things.
494
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,400
Yeah,
I never want to see it again.
495
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:54,301
Me neither.
496
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,705
So what kind of games
do you like to play?
497
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,173
I love Monopoly.
498
00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:01,508
Really? Me, too.
499
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,610
Maybe we can get together
and play sometime.
500
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:05,478
Great.
Can I have your number?
501
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,214
I already wrote it down.
502
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,816
Even when Drew failed,
he succeeded.
503
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:11,584
Guys who do the Rufus Cube
504
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:13,953
end up with other guys
who do the Rufus Cube.
505
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,922
Drew ended up with a girl.
506
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,959
Who knew to solve
the Rufus Cube,
507
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:23,363
you either had to have
the mind of a genius
508
00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:26,165
or the liver of Lindsey Lohan.
509
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,437
Finally my suspension was up,
510
00:19:30,470 --> 00:19:32,539
and for once Tanya
didn't rat me out.
511
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:34,474
Have a good day
at school, Chris.
512
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,842
Thanks, Tanya.
513
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,444
No problem.
514
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,646
If you're wondering
why my cool friends
515
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,248
didn't come after me
and kill me--
516
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,382
it's because of what
happened to them.
517
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:47,487
Johnny Boy spent the rest
of his life in prison.
518
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,856
Trixie had
a tragic pole accident.
519
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:51,524
I'm gonna move
your leg.
520
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:52,792
Slow here...
521
00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:55,328
Vito lived a happy,
successful life
522
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,829
for the next four hours.
523
00:19:56,863 --> 00:20:00,467
Then he was gunned down
by some other cool guys.
524
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:02,802
It seems cool, like beauty,
525
00:20:02,835 --> 00:20:05,372
turned out to be
in the eye of the beholder.
526
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:08,541
This task force will not sleep
or be deterred
527
00:20:08,575 --> 00:20:11,911
until the gang's leader
is apprehended.
528
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:14,247
For the purpose of this case,
529
00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:20,387
we're calling him Mr. Cool,
aka... Juicy Fruit.
530
00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:21,621
* Everybody Hates Chris. *
531
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:25,825
Captioned by
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