Original subtitles

Everybody Hates Chris #60 "Everybody Hates Being Cool" Closed Captioned

CHRIS ROCK: At 15, I was sick of being a nerd.

When you're a nerd, people

you want to pay attention to you ignore you,

and the people you wish would ignore you, pay attention.

And I was done with it.

From now on, I was going to be cool.

Cool guys got everything--

girls, cars, girls, money, girls.

But what exactly is cool?

I tried the surfer look.

* See it in your walk

* Tell 'em when you talk...

I tried the superhero look.

* You got the right stuff, baby... *

I tried the cowboy look,

but I ended up with the Village People look.

No matter what I did, I ended up

looking as cool as a fat guy

in a sweat suit with a herringbone chain.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Since I knew nothing about being cool,

I decided to consult with the coolest guy I knew

to find out his secrets.

Hey, little dude from across the street.

Let me hold a dollar.

Hey, man, can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

Later on.

What do you think makes a guy cool?

Cool?

Man, nothing makes you cool.

You either cool or you're not.

But what if you're not born cool,

and you want to be?

Well, the fastest way is to associate yourself

with cool people.

That way you're cool by association.

But why would they want to hang with me?

Look, man, it starts with attitude, all right?

Followed by a little head gear.

Accompanied by the walk.

The walk?

Yes, man. All right-- the walk.

You got to put a lean in your walk, man.

You know, like you're slightly bothered

by an old gunshot wound to the hip.

Like this.

Easy for him--

he had a gunshot wound to the hip.

You see? Now you try.

Nah, man, that ain't it.

Look, uh...

The collar, that's right.

Get this collar popped up, man.

All right, now try again.

I can't watch this.

Nah, nah, that's...

that's not it at all.

All right, look, we definitely

gonna have to pull out the big guns on this.

Now, the coolest boy in the world right now

is LL Cool J.

And you think you can make me look like him?

Let's find out.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Hey, Chris.

It's working already?!

Let me hold a dollar.

Here's my self-respect, too. Keep the change.

Well, got to go, little dude from across the street.

Stay cool.

While I was on my way to being cool,

spring cleaning was making my mother hot.

Ugh!

Look at all this junk.

No he didn't.

Julius!

What's going on?

This is what's going on.

You told me you were going to get rid of that years ago.

Instead you just hid it from me?

It wasn't hid.

Yes, it was.

It was underneath your camouflage jacket.

It was camouflaged!

Baby, it's a good coat.

Do you remember who gave you this coat?

I think it was Janet.

You're damn right!

So when you told me that you were gonna get rid of it,

that means you were lying, so now you're a liar?

Yes. You're acting like you pulled Janet out of the closet.

What difference does it make?

It's a coat, not a woman-- damn!

So you're telling me you're going to keep the coat,

even though I'm telling you I don't want you to keep it?

Yeah. I see no sane reason to get rid of it, so I'm keeping it.

Okay, fine.

Keep the coat, Julius.

I hope it keeps you warm.

Takes a brave man to choose a coat over a woman.

A brave stupid man.

Hey, man, did you get shot in the leg?

No, why?

'Cause you're walking like it hurts.

I'm just trying to be cool.

It's not working.

It's not working?

Look at you-- you look like a powder blue Dean Martin.

Technically, I look like a powder blue Joey Bishop.

Whatever.

We need to change our images.

I don't know about you,

but I'm tired of being at the bottom of the totem pole.

A powder blue totem pole.

That's true.

I want to be like them.

Tell me why they don't go to school and they don't work,

but they have great cars and great girls?

Because they're criminals.

Those are the kids from the arcade.

We can't be like them.

I mean, those kids have either been suspended,

expelled or dropped out of school.

When you're old, that makes you a loser,

but when you're young, it gives the illusion of cool.

Shh, be quiet.

Hey, kid, you got a cigarette?

No, but I got some gum.

Forget it.

It's spearmint.

And sugar-free.

I don't think he's listening.

Well, we learned one thing--

cool guys have cigarettes.

Now before you go getting all upset,

in 1986, almost everybody smoked.

People didn't give a damn about health.

Here's a partial list of things in this picture

that people didn't know where dangerous.

Eventually, all these people died horribly,

but while they lived, they were cool.

My brother Drew was so cool, he could do anything.

But in the spring of '86, that changed.

Here, take this thing away from me. What's this?

It's evil.

The Rufus Cube--

the most diabolical puzzle ever invented.

It caused nervous breakdowns, divorces and suicides

because it was almost impossible to solve.

This looks easy.

Chris, I got to go into the library for a few minutes.

Watch the register.

The library?

Yeah, I got to go to the bathroom.

I do some of my best handicapping in the john.

Keep an eye on the register.

A big part of being cool is taking advantage

of opportunities when they present themselves.

Now that I had cigarettes,

I had the start of what I needed.

A real cool guy wouldn't have paid,

but Nerdy McGee

would have felt too guilty.

Even though I had the keys to being cool,

Greg was locked into being a square.

All right, just put one of these behind your ear.

Dude, that's contraband.

The Surgeon General told us not to...

Greg, do you want to look cool or not?

Yeah, but I don't want to be a fugitive.

Freeze!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Get down! All the way down!

Slowly remove the cigarette

away from your ear.

Stay there, dirtbag!

You don't have to smoke it.

You just have to put it behind your ear

and walk around like those guys at the arcade. The arcade?

I'd like to get back in there again.

You went in the arcade?

Yeah, once.

Forget that.

That was before you looked cool.

Okay, man, I'll try it.

Yeah.

Oh, remember, you get caught with a cigarette in school

is an automatic suspension.

Right, it's just to walk around and look cool

for the other kids. Right.

So how do I look?

Nervous. Come on, man, pop your collar.

Put your shades on. Roll up your pant leg.

Okay.

Better.

No it's not.

All right, let's make a pact.

If either one of us gets caught by the teacher

we don't rat out the other. Deal?

Deal.

Chris gave it to me.

Chris?

I'm so disappointed in you.

I know that nicotine,

pork rinds and malt liquor

are the black man's vices...

You forgot white women.

...but why infect Gregory?

Because I wanted to be cool.

Now I just feel like a fool.

I don't know.

Well, I'm sorry, Chris,

but you're suspended.

When my parents found out, I was finally going to be cool.

Cool as a corpse.

My father had worked hard all day.

But my mother had been to space.

You went to work like that?

Don't you know you could get fired?

What did your boss say?

So you say you want a raise?

I got a raise.

You shouldn't be wearing that.

Get rid of it.

Oh, I'll be happy to get rid of it...

as long as you get rid of that jacket.

I'm not getting rid of my jacket.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine!

Not fine.

When you get suspended from school, they call your parents.

So if the phone rang, this could be my last meal.

So what's going on, Chris?

What you mean?

There's something different about you.

Did you get a haircut?

No. Well, you look kind of cool.

What he thought was cool was actually terror.

Mama, why are you dressed like that?

Ask your father.

Daddy, why is Mama dressed like that?

Maybe your mother doesn't know the difference

between a perfectly good coat

and a spacesuit.

Better be glad she doesn't have a ray gun.

So, Chris, how was your day at school?

It was all right.

Anything interesting happen?

No. DREW: You sure?

'Cause usually you talk more about school.

Can't get you to stop talking about it.

Nothing happened

at school, okay?

It was just like any other day.

Any other bad day.

Why are you talking to your brother like that?

He's just asking you a question.

Yeah, Chris, calm down.

Drew, will you put that thing down and eat your dinner?

Dad, I've almost got it. I can't stop.

Either you eat your dinner or do the cube.

What's it's going to be?

I'll take the cube.

I thought somehow I had dodged

the suspension bullet,

but actually it was just loaded in a different gun.

Hey, Chris, wait up.

What's up?

Nothing. Just thought I should tell you about my day.

What about it? Oh, I just sat around the house by myself,

answering phones, taking messages.

Good for you.

Yeah, I talked to Grandma,

Uncle Michael, the principal from your school,

Daddy...

Never underestimate the power of the Devil.

Wait a minute, did you say the principal from my school?

Yeah, you know, they always call

when they suspend somebody from school for having cigarettes.

Did they think you were Ma?

I don't know. I just answered the phone

and they started talking.

You out three days... I guess that's a total of $15.

What is?

Five dollars a day.

You know it's going to cost to keep my mouth shut.

The price of being cool was steep,

but it beat the price of being beat.

Getting suspended from school was hard,

but figuring out what I was going to do

with my day was harder.

Hey, man, what are you doing here?

I had nowhere else to go.

You're not still mad at me, are you?

Yeah, actually, I am.

You ratted me out.

I'm torn about it, man.

Please, don't make me feel any worse than I already am.

Why did you cave so fast?

My therapist says I'm bad under pressure.

I'm just not cool.

No kidding.

Forget about it. It's all right.

So what are you going to do all day? I don't know...

wander around till it's time to go home.

Maybe I'll see you at lunch.

Got to go.

Well, all right.

I was at the arcade, but I was afraid if I went in

what happened to Greg would happen to me.

Hey, it's Juicy Fruit.

Hey, want a smoke?

Look at Juicy Fruit.

Thanks, man.

What you up to?

Nothing. Just hanging.

What's the matter, Juicy Fruit,

you get lost on the way to school?

No, actually, I got kicked out.

So did I.

So did I.

Actually, we all did.

Except for Vinnie. He never went.

Hey, come on in, hang out for awhile.

Cool.

I might not smoke, but right now I'm on fire.

You could do this yourself, Julius.

Yeah, but every time I do, I nick my head.

You know what's going on?

You got a lot of bumps back here, man.

Lot of lumps in the back of your head, man.

My grandmother used to read these things, man.

The configuration is telling me you got a lot of tension.

Yeah, well, that's true.

Oh, got one coming at 2:00.

In barbershops across America

somebody's always on the lookout for women.

No matter how they look.

Oh, man.

Look at that outfit.

Man, she looks a fool.

I wished my mama looked like that.

I'd never leave the house.

Here she come across that street.

Come on, come on, get a little closer, baby.

Uh-uh-uh! That is a Cadillac walk right there.

Honky Cadillac.

Wait a minute... Man, that's...

Who? Hey, hey, who is it?

No, don't worry about it, man.

Where'd she go?

Hey, everybody.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, baby, I was just wondering

what you wanted for dinner tonight?

Rochelle...

I guess I'm interrupting something.

You know what? I'll just make you roast beef.

Bye, boys.

Man, you got problems.

You got that right.

The next day, I had no question about where I was going.

Hey, Juicy Fruit,

you want some beer?

Nah, I only drink beer with my dinner.

Maybe we should go get something to eat later.

Maybe. So what we doing for the rest of the day?

Just about time to go pick up Vito.

You're gonna love Vito.

Who's Vito?

He's a friend of ours.

He gets out today.

Out of what?

Come on, let's go.

You're cute, Juicy Fruit.

You're not too bad-looking yourself.

Trixie had her eye on me,

but somebody else had their eye on us.

GUARD: This way, Vito.

All right, Vito-- see you again.

Later that day, I met Vito.

He was the guy these guys looked up to.

He was also a convict.

Who's this?

He's Juicy Fruit.

Juicy Fruit?

What kind of name is Juicy Fruit?

My real name is Chris.

Don't worry about it. He's cool.

Yeah?

You cool, Juicy Fruit?

Yeah, I'm cool.

Not with that nickname.

We'll see about that the day after tomorrow.

What happens the day after tomorrow?

We're going to get the guys who ratted on me.

We'd do it tomorrow, but I need one day to get the guns.

And you're going to be the lookout.

So you cool with that, Juicy Fruit?

Mama!

ROCK: Before I went ahead with being a lookout,

I got a second opinion from Doc.

And they want you to be the lookout?

Yeah, I mean, I don't want to do it,

but these kids like me and I've come so far on my coolness.

And I'm just the lookout.

I can't get in any real trouble. Wrong.

You don't know nothing about crime, do you?

You act as a lookout,

while something felonious occurs,

that makes you an accessory.

Yeah, but I'll still be cool, right?

Wrong again.

There are a lot of subheadings to being an accessory.

You can be an accessory before the fact.

You can be an accessory after the fact.

Or you can be an accessory during the fact.

In any event,

if you get caught, you going to jail.

Doc spent three to five as an accessory.

Do you know how embarrassed I was when you walked in there in that outfit?

I don't see why.

That was a perfectly good pair of hot-pink fishnet stockings.

I don't see any sane reason not to wear them.

Okay, you win.

I'll get rid of the coat.

You sure?

Now I don't want to twist your arm.

That's a good coat.

Baby, you look like you're about to ease on down the road.

Yeah, I'm sure.

When all else fails, quit.

Where's Drew? Dinner's almost ready.

He's upstairs working on that cube.

He's been messing with it all day.

He is obsessed with that thing.

What'd you do at school today, Chris?

Oh, you know, same old, same old.

TANYA: My day was great.

We're learning time tables.

Today we did fives.

Five times one is five,

and five times two is ten,

and five times three is 15.

And five times four is a brick upside your head.

Sure, I could have not shown up,

but then every time the cool guys saw me at school,

they'd say, "Hey, there goes the guy that's not cool."

All right,

you stand here.

If the cops come, you blow this whistle.

Got it?

Yeah, but I don't really think we should be here.

I was out where the buses don't run.

I had lost touch with the mothership.

I was someplace where I didn't belong.

Chris, what are you doing here?

Sweatin'.

I'm hanging with the guys from the arcade.

The cool kids?

I don't know if they're cool anymore.

What's going on?

I'm a lookout.

And if the cops come,

I'm supposed to blow this whistle.

Dude, that makes you an accessory

before, during and after the fact.

I know. I don't even want to be here.

But I'm kind of stuck.

You got to think about this, Chris.

My uncle was a lookout one time,

and he ended up getting shot in the throat.

In the throat?

Yeah, he didn't die,

but he ended up wearing a turtleneck

for the rest of his life.

I knew if I didn't blow that whistle

I would never be one of the cool kids.

In fact, the cool kids might kill me.

But if being cool meant going to prison,

that price was just too high.

So what are you going to do?

I did what any nerd would do.

That day, Drew lost

his cool, too.

What's wrong with you?

Take this thing away from me.

It's evil.

I know. I hate these things.

Yeah, I never want to see it again.

Me neither.

So what kind of games do you like to play?

I love Monopoly.

Really? Me, too.

Maybe we can get together and play sometime.

Great. Can I have your number?

I already wrote it down.

Even when Drew failed, he succeeded.

Guys who do the Rufus Cube

end up with other guys who do the Rufus Cube.

Drew ended up with a girl.

Who knew to solve the Rufus Cube,

you either had to have the mind of a genius

or the liver of Lindsey Lohan.

Finally my suspension was up,

and for once Tanya didn't rat me out.

Have a good day at school, Chris.

Thanks, Tanya.

No problem.

If you're wondering why my cool friends

didn't come after me and kill me--

it's because of what happened to them.

Johnny Boy spent the rest of his life in prison.

Trixie had a tragic pole accident.

I'm gonna move your leg.

Slow here...

Vito lived a happy, successful life

for the next four hours.

Then he was gunned down by some other cool guys.

It seems cool, like beauty,

turned out to be in the eye of the beholder.

This task force will not sleep or be deterred

until the gang's leader is apprehended.

For the purpose of this case,

we're calling him Mr. Cool, aka... Juicy Fruit.

* Everybody Hates Chris. *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org