Original subtitles

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #059 "Everybody Hates Run-DMC" CLOSED CAPTIONED

("You Be Illin'" by Run-DMC playing)

CHRIS ROCK: For as long as I can remember, music was a part of my life.

And in 1986, the biggest act in the world was Run-DMC.

* One day when I was chillin' in Kentucky Fried Chicken *

* Just minding my business, eatin' food and finger lickin' *

* This dude walked in looking strange and kind of funny *

What you listening to, young blood?

Young blood...

what you listening to?

Run-DMC.

What kind of name is "Run"?

Ain't that a verb, everybody?

Going to that concert?

I wish. It's sold out.

I've got a guy that's gonna give me two tickets tomorrow.

They're yours for $200.

I don't have $200. I'll take 'em.

Okay, I'll have them tomorrow at 6:00.

And I'm gonna need cash.

Now I don't take check, credit,

pesos, rubles,

wampums, ducats or wherewithal.

No problem.

As long as you can also loan me $200.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, what's going on? Hey.

Manny, you mind if I leave these here? What is it?

Applications for my BFD Scholarship.

BFD?

Black Funeral Directors.

What I was thinking wasn't even close.

: You, too, right?

So if you know of any young men

who would like to learn about the wonderful world of death,

this scholarship is worth $250.

Sounds like ticket money to me.

I'm interested.

Interested in free money.

Oh, I didn't know you were interested

in the bereaved and deceased.

I'm not.

This is a lot easier than I thought it would be.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

All you have to do is sign right here

and you're the new BFD scholar.

Good.

Now when do I get the money?

Oh, as soon as you're done with the program.

Will I be done with the program by tomorrow at 6:00?

Oh, it's gonna take longer than that

to learn all you need to know about death.

No, it's not, because right now I'm having a heart attack.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

* Aw, make it funky now

While I waited for my scholarship money,

I was researching other ways to get some cash.

Give you an advance on your pay?

Yeah, and I'll pay you back soon as I get my scholarship money.

That sounds like a good plan.

But what happens if you get killed?

I haven't thought about that.

Ain't that nothing.

You learning about death

and ain't even thought about dying.

Death can happen at any moment, son.

It can happen when you're happy,

when you're sad, or when you owe somebody money.

Translation: no.

While I was hurting for cash, my mother was in pain.

So the chart says you got pain in your shoulder.

How did you do this?

I was reaching for something

and I must've overextended.

That's one way of putting it.

Boy, didn't I tell you about throwing that ball?!

Mama, I didn't mean to break it, I'm sorry.

Oh, your behind gonna be sorry.

Ow! Ow!

Went too far back on the wind

Yeah!

You know that boy broke a $60 lamp

when I told him do not throw a ball in the house.

Next time, just stretch first.

Stretch?

Nothing helps you give better ass whuppings than yoga.

It's part of the proper technique.

There are various techniques that you can use to avoid injury

while delivering an ass whupping.

There's the Two-Cheek Cross, the Roundhouse Booty Buster,

or my personal favorite: the Kunta Kinte Will Breaker.

In the wrong hands, a beating can be called child abuse.

But in the right hands, it could be the difference

between raising a Bill Gates or a Bobby Brown.

Read this.

If you rest your arm in a sling for a week,

you'll be fine.

A week? I can't rest for a week.

I got to cook and clean. You're hurt.

Make those kids do it.

Strap me up. Mm-hmm.

My mother had a sling, while my father had ch-ching.

What's this?

I've got a fun project for you.

My father was famous for his fun projects.

JULIUS: Isn't this fun?

What is this stuff anyway? Asbestos.

We're gonna save a lot of money on heat this year.

I need you to roll these quarters.

40 in each roll.

You think you can handle that, baby?

Okay, Daddy.

That's my girl.

I had a hundred dollars saved, and I had to get the rest

or my chance to see Run-DMC was gonna be G-O-N-E.

So, Dad, can I borrow a hundred dollars

until my scholarship money arrives?

That depends.

Can I borrow it back two seconds later?

For what?

Books.

Mr. Omar gave you a scholarship.

What, he can't give you the books?

I get $250.

Wow.

They got any more scholarships around here?

I don't know.

The Future Crackheads of America

had a scholarship,

but they used that up on Flavor Flav.

Well, I guess it's for a good cause.

Turn around so I can get the money.

Okay.

I never did find out where my father kept his secret stash.

Here you go.

Thanks, Dad.

Thank you.

My father held onto cash so tight,

George Washington couldn't breathe.

39...

40.

According to math, the roll was perfect.

But according to Tanya,

39 quarters looked a lot neater than 40.

That's better.

Bam!

We're going to the Run-DMC concert.

Dude, this is incredible.

I promise I'll pay you back, ten dollars a week.

This is the best thing anyone's ever done for me

since my mom took me back from the foster home.

Well, we couldn't miss the greatest concert of the year.

Where'd you get the money?

Oh, my dad loaned it to me

and I'm gonna pay him back with my scholarship money.

What scholarship?

BFD.

Never heard of that one before.

But I'm guessing acronyms today--

Black Funeral Directors.

Yeah, you have a scholarship?

Yeah, I've got four:

Future Physicists, Future Pharmacists,

Future Futurists, and Sons of Izzo.

Who's Izzo?

It's an Italian thing, you wouldn't understand.

Oh.

So you want to be a funeral director?

No, I just want to see Run-DMC.

Duh!

My mother was about to win an Emmy

for best exaggerated injury.

Yeah, get the pillow.

Ooh.

Oh...

Now I wish I wasn't hurt,

but I am.

So I'm gonna need you two to pick up the slack around here,

okay? What do we have to do?

: Not a lot.

All of this?!

Now you can appreciate all the hard work I do around here.

Ow! Ow!

Drew, go get my turtles.

Tanya, put my feet up.

You know my ankles swell.

Pass me the remote.

Move out the way.

You're blocking the TV.

Now that's what I'm talking about.

Come on here, girl.

You can do it, sister.

Come on, joker...! Come on, joker!

Yes!

You should've seen her when she watched Card Sharks.

Now that I was going to the show,

I couldn't wait for Mr. Omar to show me the money.

Hey, Mr. Omar,

I was just wondering what I needed to do

to finish up my scholarship work.

Oh, I appreciate your enthusiasm, Chris.

As you know, death doesn't wait, so come on in.

I'm just finishing up my preparation

for the death Jubilee.

Sweep that up.

Death Jubilee?

Oh, it's only the biggest event of the year.

It's like the auto show.

If you drive a hearse.

Now, look, I need you to collate these,

fold these, take both of them,

slide them into here, okay?

I need you to iron that shirt, take the suit

to the cleaners, shine my shoes,

get me a paper on the corner...

I got a lotta more stuff for you to do later.

Oh, the Death Jubilee is all day tomorrow,

so get your rest.

You mean get your rest in peace.

Now when you think I'll be done?

Oh, you should be done by Tuesday.

Tuesday? But I have somewhere to go on Monday.

Go on Tuesday. I can't.

Tragic.

Not as tragic

as missing Run-DMC.

At the Death Jubilee,

I was beginning to realize that the BFD

was a bunch of BS.

Hey, Omar, the scholarship idea? Genius.

Hey, I could never afford to come to this convention before

'cause it cost so much for help.

But you call it a scholarship

and you get help for less than half the price.

Hey, did you guys see the women

over in the bereavement hall?

If you thought last year was good,

this year is ridiculous.

Oh, you think that's ridiculous?

Did you see the girl standing by the hearse?

Now she's bad for business.

Who's gonna die with her standing around.

Oh, my God.

You know Mrs. Eisenberg? She called me.

Mrs. Eisenberg, Mrs. Eisenberg? Yeah.

You're kidding.

I'm not kidding you. We went out.

She's a firecracker.

Almost gave me a heart attack.

I told you not to mess with her.

Well, her husband was on bed rest for a year.

What can you expect?

I didn't expect that.

Hey, tragic.

I'm done.

What do you want me to do with this?

Oh. Right... here.

You know, you might have a future in this after all.

Back at home, my mother found that taking it easy

was gonna be harder than she thought.

Hey, Mom, how do you fold this?

With your hands, dummy.

Hey, Mom,

can you clean burnt spaghetti sauce with bleach?

If you want to die.

DREW: Hey, Mom!

TANYA: Mom...!

Ma..!

Mom!

While my mother's legs were getting stronger,

Mr. Omar's little black book was getting fatter.

Oh, thank you so much

for stopping by.

Now you be sure and call me now, okay?

All right?

Hey.

Oh, did you pass out the pamphlets?

Yeah...

Only to the pretty ones?

Yeah.

So, you're supposed to be telling me about your business?

What you want to know?

Well, what made you want to work with dead people?

You see, there's something you need to know

about the funeral business.

It's not about servicing the dead.

It's about comforting the living.

And some of the living need

a little more comforting than others.

Go out to the truck, get us some pamphlets.

I'll be right back.

Toast?

Toast for dinner?

Tonya can't cook

and it's the best that I could do

in the condition that I'm in.

She's using most of her energy faking being hurt.

Ow!

Thank you.

Chris, why don't you pass the toast around?

See? I got

wheat toast and white toast and raisin

and crust and crustless.

No pumpernickel?

Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...

Hot sauce?

Hot sauce? ...cinnamon,

...honey and syrup to dip your crust in.

Hot sauce?

Um, did you finish up those quarters like I asked?

Yep, ten rolls.

Good girl.

Hey, Chris, can you pass me the hot sauce?

Hot sauce?

So Chris, how was your day?

Did you learn anything about the funeral business?

I learned it was heavy.

Yeah, I bet it is.

You enjoying those books?

Yeah, they're great.

Pass me the big piece of toast.

Honey, how much longer you gonna be in that sling?

Until we run out of bread.

I don't know, Julius.

As soon as I'm healed and fully recovered,

I'll let you know.

Ow!

While my mother was milking her injury,

I was being trained.

First, I must say you're really doing a great job.

Well, what do I have to do today?

Ah, just polish a few coffins.

A few?

How long is this gonna take?

I don't know.

Well, you think I'll be done by tomorrow night?

Because I have somewhere to go and it's really important.

Chris, there's nothing more important

than fulfilling your responsibilities.

That's what this scholarship is all about: service.

So do your best.

If you get it done,

tomorrow you can do whatever you want.

Okay, well, how clean do they have to be?

Well, I need you to make these

look like this, all right?

So do your best.

I'll see you later.

Lock up after you leave.

You are the best.

By the time I finished cleaning those coffins,

I almost needed one, but it was worth it

because come tomorrow, I was gonna have the time of my life.

What time do you want to meet

and go to the Garden? You know what?

You go without me and I'll meet you down there. What?

I have to go by the funeral parlor after school

to make sure there's nothing Mr. Omar wants me to do.

I don't want to have him think

there's any reason for him not to give me my money.

I don't know why you took

that scholarship anyway.

Did you have $200 for concert tickets?

No. Here.

Don't be illing, man.

I'll see you at 7:30.

All right.

For my father,

coin-cashing day was better than Christmas morning.

$97.50.

No, that can't be right.

I know I had a hundred dollars here.

Did you count it? No.

Well, I did. It was $97.50.

Well, maybe you made a mistake.

No, maybe you made a mistake.

You think you're the first person

try to skim a few quarters past us?

Actually, he was the first person to try it,

but that was a long time ago.

Back at Mr. Omar's, it was almost quitting time

and I was three minutes away from Run-DMC.

Hey, Greg. Yeah.

So we're still good, right?

Oh, okay.

No, all I have to do is lock up.

I'm out of here in, like, two minutes.

So I'll meet you at the Garden?

All right, cool.

I had finished all my dealings with death

and now it was time to get ill.

Excuse me. Can you help me?

I can... but I don't want to.

Sorry.

I was just locking up,

but I'm sure Mr. Omar could talk to you in the morning.

Oh, it'll only take a minute.

You see, my husband passed

and Mr. Omar wanted me to bring a tie

to go with the outfit,

and I just can't decide.

What do you think?

Blue or green?

Green.

Oh, yeah, green.

Leonard liked green.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna give this to Mr. Omar in the morning,

but we can leave.

Yeah.

Maybe blue would be better.

He was an executive, you know.

Okay.

Blue it is.

No, you're right. Green.

Now tell me,

do you think I should get socks

to match the tie?

This will only take a minute...

in old people time.

That's perfect.

You remind me of him, you know?

He used to have that same look you have right now.

Frustration?

You keep looking at the clock.

Is there someplace you supposed to be?

Yeah, I'm supposed to be meeting a friend.

Oh, that's nice.

I don't mean to hold you up.

Then let me go.

Leonard had friends now.

Yes, there was Earl,

Louis, Zeke, Sonny.

Sonny, Sonny had one eye

and he got into a fight

with Chester Jenkins.

He love watching sitcom,

especially Sanford & Son.

He loved Sanford & Son.

: I'm coming, Elizabeth!

This man could cook.

You talk about fried chicken?

His chicken was so good,

chickens be at the table talking.

"Whoa, this some good chicken.

Whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa."

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

Bend it down. Bend it down. Come on.

Ooh, you good.

You good, but you're not as good as Leonard.

Ow! Stop!

I was missing Run-DMC,

but my father was really missing his quarters.

Shouldn't you be at work, baby?

Rachelle, I think

Tonya may have stolen from me.

What?!

I went to the bank

and the quarters I had her roll up for me came up short.

Oh, no, my daughter is not gonna grow up

to be a thief.

We're gonna get to the bottom of this.

I still got one good arm left.

No, no, no.

Ow! Ow, ow.

I'll talk to her.

You just get some rest.

Okay.

Thank you, baby.

My father hated to think that Tonya had stolen again,

but he also hated being short $2.50.

Tonya,

did you roll those quarters like I told you to?

Yeah. Why?

When I went to the bank,

every one of those rolls was a quarter short.

What happened to the rest of my money?

Well, I took one quarter out of each roll.

You didn't think anybody wouldn't notice that?

What did you do with the money, Tonya?

Well, I was trying to save

to make you another roll.

Save for another roll?

Yeah.

You didn't think I was stealing from you, did you?

No, of course not.

Well, that's what it sounds like to me.

No, no, that's not what it sounds like.

I'm just saying... Huh?!

Look, your mother, she needs some help.

Look, here, take that and buy some candy or something, okay?

No, Daddy, you keep it.

Coming, baby! Coming!

Oh, I'm gonna miss him!

But you know what? He had a good life.

Yeah, sounds like you two got along.

Oh, no, he was a pain in the ass.

But he was my pain in the ass.

Yeah.

Young man, can I tell you something?

What's that?

This is the best I've felt in days.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Come on.

I know there's someplace you got to be.

There was someplace I wanted to be,

but I was right where I needed to be.

Hey, what happened? Where were you?

I can't believe you missed it.

Got tied up at the funeral home.

I told you that scholarship thing was a bad idea.

It's all right. I'll catch 'em next time.

Next time? There won't be a next time.

It was incredible.

It was Aerosmith and Run-DMC singing "Walk This Way."

I couldn't believe it, man.

When I saw someone in distress, I gave comfort.

Greg had a different approach.

But my mother pretending to have a pain in her arm

was becoming a real pain in the neck.

TONYA/DREW: Ma!

Uh! Okay, okay, I'm fine!

I'm up, okay?! Are you happy now?!

I mean, what does a woman have to do

to get some rest around here, get shot?!

I thought the BFD scholarship was gonna be easy money,

but I was dead wrong.

At least I was finally about to get paid.

Here you go.

A voucher for $250 worth of books.

Books?

Books?

Books?

Well, you didn't think you were getting cash, did you?

Good night.

Tragic.

You owe me a hundred dollars.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org