Original subtitles

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #058 "Everybody Hates Gretzky" Closed Captioned

CHRIS ROCK: Since I was the oldest kid in the house,

whenever something went wrong with Drew and Tonya,

I got blamed.

What in the world is going on in here!

Drew and Tonya just ran through and knocked all this stuff down.

Well, you know better

than to let your brother and sister run

through the house. Now, pick it up.

Whether it was something I couldn't do anything about...

How could you let your sister get the flu?

How am I supposed to stop the flu?

...or whether it was something I didn't know anything about...

Why did you let Drew get hit in the eye with a baseball?

'Cause I wasn't at the game.

Either way, I was responsible.

Well, no excuse. You're his older brother

so you're responsible for him.

You're also responsible for giving me

another $3.22 worth of ground beef.

Don't think he's not using it again.

I'm sorry.

Every now and again I could stop a problem

before it happened.

Drew.

Drew!

What are you doing here? You walk to school.

I'm not going to school today.

What do you mean?

I saw Wayne Gretzky on Donahu yesterday.

He's in town because the Edmonton Oilers

played the Islanders last night.

So what?

So I'm gonna meet him and get his autograph.

Are you crazy? No.

You can't just go off by yourself. Yes, I can.

Do you even know where you're going? Not really.

Got any money? No.

What about school? What about it?

Did you even think about Ma? No.

She's gonna kill you when she finds out. So?

That's if somebody else don't kill you first.

I don't care.

Drew, you can't do this.

See ya later.

I was in a no-win situation.

The only thing worse than going with Drew

was letting him go by himself.

Either way, if something happened,

I was responsible.

Hold on, man. I'm coming with you.

Can't blame me if we both die.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Riding on that bus, I had two goals:

to get that autograph and get back home.

So what's the plan?

I don't have a plan.

Do you even know where Gretzky is?

The Long Island Wilmont Hotel.

And you think you can walk

right up to the room and get an autograph?

I haven't thought that far ahead.

You haven't thought this far ahead.

All right? We should just turn around right now.

We'll be late for school, but, hopefully,

we won't get in too much trouble.

Well, go on.

That's the whites-only exit.

Forget it.

You look tired.

I'm beat.

I'm going to get some sleep.

Sleep? Well, what about Tonya?

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here?

Why aren't you in school?

'Cause no one's there.

They're all in Philadelphia.

You remember the field trip to Philadelphia

that cost a hundred dollars

and you didn't want to pay for it.

Yeah. Instead you gave me Philadelphia cream cheese.

Right. Well, what are you gonna do all day?

I mean, I gotta get some sleep.

Not today.

I've got to go to work, so you've got to entertain her.

My dad had saved a hundred bucks,

but he was gonna pay for that trip one way or another.

This is taking forever.

How long is this ride?

How am I supposed to know?

Didn't you check before you got on the bus?

Hey, man, calm down.

No, I'm not gonna "calm down."

I don't think you understand how much trouble we're gonna be in.

I'm not even talking about Ma anymore.

You know what's gonna happen

when they realize we're not in school?

What's the big deal?

You always say that they never

pay attention to you in school anyway.

Drew had a point. Besides Greg,

there was only one person who would care

if I wasn't in school.

Morning, Shoeshine.

I'm not black.

Why'd you do that?

I don't know where Chris is.

Well, what about you? Aren't they gonna miss you?

Probably not.

Wrong!

Donna. Here.

Drew?

Drew?

Oh, my God.

Drew is missing!

Drew is missing!

Back home, my father tried to shut his eyes

while Tonya shut her ears.

Tonya.

Can't you hear that phone?

It isn't for me.

Everyone I know is in Philadelphia.

Tonya: 1. Sleep: 0.

Hello?

Can I speak to Drew's mother?

This is Julius, his father.

Drew never showed up for school today.

What do you mean?

He wasn't in school today, sir.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

He wasn't in Homeroom.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

What's wrong?

That was Drew's school.

He didn't show up today.

Maybe he went to Philadelphia.

I better call your mother.

Where the hell could he be?

We're here.

Yippie.

*

This doesn't look like Long Island.

This is not.

This is Coney Island.

If this was Survivor, I would vote Drew off the island.

I can't believe you got on the wrong bus.

You got on it, too.

I was just following you, stupid.

Don't you know the difference

between Coney Island and Long Island?!

Yeah, Long Island is the shape of your head.

Shut up!

Hey, shut up. Don't tell me

what to do. Hey, break it up! Break it up!

What's wrong with you two guys?

He got us lost.

Nobody asked your stupid butt to come anyway!

Where are you heading to?

The Long Island Wilmont Hotel.

I wanna meet Wayne Gretzky and get his autograph.

You mean "The Great One"? Number 99?

Yeah, you're a hockey fan?

Oh, I love it.

We must be the only three black hockey fans in New York.

Uh, I'm not a hockey fan.

Well, I guess it's just us then.

And the few guys playing in the NHL.

What? Wait, there are black hockey players?

Oh, yeah.

Willie O'Ree was the first.

Played with the Boston Bruins.

And now they've got Grant Fuhr. He plays with Gretzky.

He's a goalie.

Which technically makes him a target.

Do you know how to get to Long Island from here?

No, but I'll ask this gentleman here.

Excuse me, sir? Mm-hmm.

Would you happen to know the directions to Long Island?

Yeah.

You're gonna take that bus

over there to the Seven Line.

Seven Line.

And then you're gonna take that to Flushing...

Flushing, stupid!

...and you're gonna take the Long Island Railroad

to Westbury.

Westbury.

Thank you, sir.

You're welcome.

By the way, I'm Drew

and this is my brother, Chris.

Hi, I'm Willie O'Ree. Pleasure.

Nice to meet you.

When Willie scored three goals

they didn't call it the hat trick.

They call it the black trick.

While we were looking for Gretzky,

back at home, they were looking for us.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Where you been?

Upstairs in Chris and Drew's room

looking for clues. Great idea.

What'd you find?

Well, I found firecrackers,

smoke balls, Chris' old test,

looks like he got an "F"--

maybe we should do something about that,

Mommy's Turtles--

feels like they ate half of the box,

and Playpen magazine.

You know they have naked women in here, right?

Are you still there? Yes, yes, I'm still here.

So, it appears Chris hasn't shown up yet.

No, sir. He's not there?

We'll call you if he does. Thank you.

I got here as soon as I could. Any word from Drew?

No, but I just got off the phone with Chris' school.

And what they say?

He didn't show up for school, either.

Ooh, they're gonna get it.

When do I not get it?

Well, let's go.

Where are you going?

We're going to look for Chris and Drew.

We just can't sit around here all day.

You're looking at Playpen Magazine

when our sons are missing?

It was in the...

It was open. It just fell open.

I...

Let's go!

Come on!

Okay.

Right.

Put it back!

We were headed to the right place at the wrong time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where do you think you guys are going?

Going to Long Island to get Wayne Gretzky's autograph.

You're a Gretzky fan?

He's not a Gretzky fan.

You can't be a Gretzky fan.

That's what I said.

I'm a Gretzky fan.

He's the Gretzky fan.

You see me and you?

We don't like the same things. No, we don't.

Why don't you guys go someplace?

Where you wanna go?

Where should we go?

The Jersey Shore would be nice.

But this train don't go there.

Don't you guys got enough sports?

Hmm?

Basketball, football...

Baseball, boxing, track and field.

You gotta take hockey, too, huh?

Whoa.

Hold on now. We ain't trying to take hockey.

But we could. All right.

So why don't you just leave us alone?

Translation: Please pick on us some more.

Is that a hockey jersey you got?

That is a hockey jersey. That is a hockey jersey.

You don't have a hockey jersey.

No, I don't. No.

Yeah. Why?

Give it to me.

Give it to him.

Make me.

What?

Whoa.

All right, hold on.

Excuse me.

Drew, give him the jersey.

I'm not giving them anything.

Dad gave this to me.

Do you have any idea where we are?

Yeah, somewhere on Long Island?

Yeah, exactly.

We're not just surrounded by two white people.

We're surrounded by a whole borough of white people.

So, this is us.

And this is them.

So, give him the jersey.

Wait a minute.

His jersey says "Gritzky."

It's got the wrong number, too.

Keep the jersey.

Kid, look, if you're gonna like somebody,

at least get it right.

Get it right. Get it right.

MAN : Next stop: Brockman Station.

Man, that was close.

I never thought I'd say this,

but thank God for Risky.

Chris and Drew are missing?

No, I haven't seen them, but I think I can help you.

For just 17 cents a day,

you can adopt one of these African children.

And the best part is they don't live with you.

Ooh, can we take Ubingi?

He's so cute.

Not for 17 cents a day.

DISPATCHER: Had a frivolous suit with her neighbor.

Missing, huh?

It sounds to me like they're caught behind enemy lines.

Don't worry.

This is nothing a recon mission can't fix.

Right. Take that. Here you go.

All right, let's go. Come on. Let's go.

Hey, wait, wait!

Hey, hey, boys!

I think I see 'em after all.

There we go.

Let's leave the nice man alone.

Thank you.

We could use him in Iraq.

DISPATCHER : Separated the neighbors at 29211.

Chris and Drew are missing? Let me see what I can do.

One Adam-12, One Adam-12,

be on the lookout for Chris and Drew.

Be on the lookout for Chris and Drew.

Shouldn't be much longer.

Yeah, until they come and take you away.

Oh, man I can't believe we're here.

I can't believe I'm actually gonna meet Wayne Gretzky.

How do I look?

You look like we need to get

this autograph and get out of here.

Hi, um, we're looking for a guest of yours.

Name?

Wayne Gretzky.

Wayne Gretzky, the hockey player?

Yeah.

He's not staying here.

Are you sure this is the right hotel?

Positive. At the end of Donahue, the announcer said,

guests of the Donahue Show stay

at the Long Island Wilmont Hotel.

Not all guests. If your leg was bitten off by a shark,

you have a terminal disease,

or you're so fat, you need a crane

to be lifted out of your house, then you stay here.

Athletes and celebrities stay somewhere else.

So he's not here?

Sorry. Try one of the other hotels

on Long Island.

How many other hotels are there?

I don't know. About a thousand.

A thousand?

Cheer up. Only 999 more to go.

We were trying to get an autograph,

but were getting more than we signed up for.

Chris, I'm sorry, man.

I-I don't know what I was thinking.

Like Wayne Gretzky would be hanging out

in some hotel lobby.

Let's go home, man.

Wait, wait, wait.

We can't just give up,

especially when Mom is beating the living daylights out of me.

I don't want to feel like a fool 'cause it was all for nothing.

We just got to use our heads.

What do you know about Gretzky?

Well, I know he's a season all-time-assist leader,

his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich

named after him called "The Great One."

What's in it?

Hmm, Canadian bacon,

maple syrup, oh, and a pickle.

Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.

Sounds awful.

I never had one.

It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.

Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.

Hey, you know,

he works in a hotel here on Long Island.

Who, Gretzky?

No, stupid. Jean Lafleur.

Huh.

Here it is-- "Long Island Hotel,

Home of The Great One."

This has got to be where he's staying.

I hate to admit it, but that looks pretty good.

When we get there,

I'm going to have to buy you one of those sandwiches.

Might as well buy me a heart attack

with a side of diabetes.

Chris! Drew!

I just don't understand this.

We checked the neighborhoods. Nobody's seen 'em.

We checked the schools. Nobody has seen 'em.

I'm calling the police.

Oh, Rochelle, Rochelle?

Are you really going to call the police?

Yes. The New York City Police?

Yes.

My father knew that if you called the cops

from Bed-Stuy, this is what happens.

Precinct.

Hello. I-I would like to report

two missing children.

Okay. Are they black or white?

Black.

You have the wrong number.

Let's give it a couple hours.

I'm sure they'll show up.

As soon as we got to the Long Island Hotel,

something told me we had the right place.

Are all these people here to see Gretzky?

Yeah, and if

we go over there, we won't have a chance of meeting him.

So what do we do?

Ilook more like Wayne Gretzky than that dude.

Come on.

I know what to do.

Hey, what are they doing over there?

Uh, they're waiting for Wayne Gretzky.

Who? He's a hockey player.

Anyway, I got a pizza delivery for Mr. Smith in Room 412.

Just go.

Man, that was brilliant.

You can get anywhere with a pizza box.

That's how Bush got in the White House.

So, now where do we go?

I mean, there's 32 floors in this hotel.

Well, I figure Gretzky's in one of the nicer rooms,

which is probably on the top floor.

Just call me Sherlock Homeboy.

Hey.

Told you.

All right, let's go.

Excuse me.

I have a delivery for Mr. Wayne Gretzky.

He didn't order a pizza.

Do I look like I was born yesterday?

But it is his room?

Get lost, kids.

Sir, I don't think you understand.

My brother is a really big hockey fan,

and we skipped school just to see Mr. Gretzky.

Look, I can't help you.

Yeah, you could.

...so please leave now.

Come on, Chris.

Gritzky?

Yeah.

My dad bought it for me.

Hockey's not too popular where we're from.

Where is that?

Here in New York.

Bed-Stuy.

Hey, I'm from Bed-Stuy.

Let me guess.

Did your dad get that jersey from Risky?

You know Risky?

Yeah, he sold me a Darryl Raspberry jersey.

I had Dr. K.

: I haven't see him in years.

So, you think my brother

can get an autograph from Mr. Gretzky?

Hey, sorry, kids.

He's not even here.

He has some business to take care of in the city.

Well, when do you think he'll be back?

I don't know. A couple hours, I guess.

A couple hours?

That's not too bad.

Thanks.

By 5:00, my parents had run out of places to look for us,

but there was only one thing left to do.

MAN: Precinct.

Yes, hello! I'd like to report two missing boys.

Can you describe them, please?

They're white.

Just a minute, ma'am.

Okay, hold-hold on.

Ma'am, you reported two missing white boys?

Damn!

We waited for Gretzky like he was giving out cheese.

You guys are still here?

Yeah. We're waiting for Gretzky.

You said he'd be back in a few hours.

Look, he's not coming back, okay?

He had a change of plans and went right to the airport.

I'm just checking out.

That's it. I give up.

Drew, I'm sorry, but let's just go home, man.

Hey, wait.

At least his name is spelled right.

Oh, man!

Thanks!

Gretzky wore that last night.

You mean, he actually wore this?

Mm-hmm. Man, I'm never washing it.

Here you go. Did Gretzky play with this puck last night?

No, it's just a puck.

So, how are you guys getting home?

Taking the train.

You guys ever been in a limo before?

What do you think?

Even though I was about to get in more trouble

than I could imagine, I was glad I was with Drew.

In a strange way, I actually had a good time.

Okay, listen up, you guys.

We're going to break this search party up into groups of four.

You-- I want you to search Varick Street.

Your group--

I want you to go to Decatur Street.

Your group--

I want you to go to the bus stops.

And you-- I want you

to search the alleys, okay?

We're looking for two, teenaged, dark skin...

white boys.

* Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

This is going to be bad.

Oh, yeah.

The worst part is,

you didn't even get a chance to meet Gretzky.

Or Gritzky for that matter.

It's okay. It was still one of the best days of my life.

Why, 'cause you got the jersey?

No.

Thanks for taking care of me, Chris.

I'm glad you were there.

Me, too.

The best part of hanging out with Drew that day

was for the first time I didn't see him as my little brother

I was responsible for.

I saw him as something more: a friend.

Ready?

Ready.

* I've been watching everything you do *

* Oh, yes, I have

* And I've been wishing...

Chris

No, it's Puffy and Mace.

Bye, y'all.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org