Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: Growing up in Bed-Stuy,

one holiday I looked forward to was Easter.

That's two boxes of dye and a dozen eggs.

That it?

Almost.

You were dressed up, girls were dressed up

and it was a good day to pretend you were on a date.

Since Tasha and I went to the same church,

she was the perfect choice.

So,

you gonna be in that Easter pageant next week?

Yeah.

Got an escort?

Please say no.

Yeah-- Robert.

Hey. Get lost.

What's up? Did you remember

to get the Epsom salt for your grandmother?

Got it.

* All I think about...

I wasn't proud of it,

but I prayed something bad would happen to him.

Oh, my God!

Robert, how will I ever get over this?!

Oh, I'll help you.

Yeah, I'll help you.

I never got that meteor,

but something almost as good happened.

Why would you say that?

That's not what I said. I heard what you said.

Why do you have to be so stupid? You're stupid!

No, you're stupid. I hate you!

It's quits! I hate you.

I love this.

* When I think of you...

You okay? It's nothing.

Just forget it.

Time to bust a move, Dumb MC.

Chris, are you going to the Easter pageant with anybody?

Yeah, Lisa Bonet.

No. Why?

Would you escort me?

Yeah.

Great.

It's a date.

Tasha was on the rebound, so I made like Dikembe Mutombo.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

and VOLKSWAGEN.

When you get into a Volkswagen, it gets into you.

The biggest deal at our house on Easter

was my mother's church hat because a church hat on Easter

was like a gown at the Oscars.

Hey, girl!

Here she comes.

Rochelle? Rochelle? Hi, Shaun.

Oh, that hat is fabulous!

Thank you. Who is it?

It's a Sean Gianni Vermani.

Love you, girl. You look fabulous!

Come on, Julius. Oh, yes.

Julius, come back here. I need you to help me

pick out my Easter hat.

I'd rather pick cotton.

It would be less backbreaking.

Rochelle, we've been doing this for months.

Just pick one.

Julius, you just don't pick out a hat.

A hat picks you.

Okay, now tell me,

which one of these will look better on me?

I don't know.

Where's your dress?

I put it on layaway.

It's not out yet.

Ooh, which reminds me, I need ten dollars.

My mother didn't put the dress on layaway

because it was expensive.

She just started planning for Easter at Thanksgiving.

Mom, why is this cranberry sauce shaped like a rabbit?

Because I was testing out my new Easter molds.

Who wants gravy?

Nobody!

Ah...

While my mother was judging hats,

Greg was judging me.

Don't you think it's kind of weird

to have a date on Easter?

Less weird than not having a date ever.

Besides, it's not a date.

It's an opportunity.

I guess you're right.

Maybe I should go back to church.

You know, score some babes.

When Greg went back to church,

the only one who hit on him was the priest.

It's just that Robert's out of the picture.

If I'm ever gonna have a shot with Tasha,

this is it. I hear ya.

Kick a man when he's down,

that's what I always say.

That was the only time he ever said that.

Whose side are you on?

Yours.

The guy's an idiot.

I haven't even been on one date,

and I know you don't break up with a girl

before a holiday.

A girl by herself on a holiday

is like an ice-cream cone in hell.

It ain't gonna be there very long.

I know I always say this, but this time,

dude, you truly are in there.

Wait.

Do you even know what an escort does?

I do, but this is a family show.

Meanwhile, my mother was wearing out shoes

looking for a hat.

Rochelle,

this is the sixth hat shop we've been to today.

Yeah, but they say

this is the best hat shop in Brooklyn.

Why didn't we come here first?

Well, how would I know if it's the best hat shop

if I didn't visit all the lousy ones first?

That's how Vanessa looked for a husband.

Oh, yeah, girl, this is nice. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Oh, can I help you?

Yes. I'm looking for a church hat for Easter.

Not just a church hat.

She needs the churchiest hat you've got.

Uh-oh,

sounds like somebody's getting into a hat competition.

Oh, no, she's not getting into the competition.

Shethe competition.

Rochelle is the three-time winner

of th Double Rock on Zion's Holy Gospel

Temple of Bethesda Christian Worship

Baptist Church Easter Hat Show.

Uh-huh. She's about to make it number four.

Hello.

You are Rochelle!

I heard about you.

I'm Hattie.

Hi, Hattie.

Well, this is my friend, Vanessa.

Well, how did you hear about me?

Well, I just joined your church, and I have been told

that nobody can beat you.

You know that's right.

You work here?

No, I own the shop.

Thus the name.

Oh.

Well, it's very nice.

You have some really lovely hats.

Um, do you have this one in a medium?

Oh, if I did,

I wouldn't sell it to you.

What?

You see,

I plan on winning the hat competition

this year.

And as much as I would love your business,

I'd be a fool to sell you a hat.

She told her.

Well, uh, Miss Hattie--

thus the name--

I don't know who you think you are, and I don't know...

No, I'll tell you who I am.

I'm the five-time winner

of the Fort Greene Greater Faith Holy Baptist Temple

of Divinity C.O.G.I.C. Easter Spectacular,

and I have graced the cover six times

of Hat Weekly waiting on the seventh.

Isn't that right, Levin?

Well, Miss Hattie...

here's a... a dime.

Oh,

what's that for?

For you to call somebody

who really cares.

Yeah,

because I'm going to...

win that competition.

We'll see about that.

Oh, yes, we will.

While my mother was steaming, Come on, Nessa.

at home, things were boiling over.

Chris, how long does it take to boil eggs?

I think they're done. I told you.

What are y'all doing anyway?

I mean, I thought you already dyed eggs for Easter.

We did. These eggs are for the church egg hunt.

Me and Drew are bringing extra

so I can have a head start on winning.

That's cheating.

Not if I don't get caught.

Now Tonya uses the same logic when she does her taxes.

All right, but you better not let Mama catch you either.

I didn't think about that.

Don't worry.

I'll hide them in the refrigerator.

Who'd think of looking for eggs there?

While Tonya and Drew were getting ready

to become career criminals,

I was getting ready for my date with Tasha.

Uh, Chris,

if you look on that shelf over there,

there's an ointment that'll help you with that.

Thanks, Doc, but I don't need any ointment.

So why you walking like there's something swollen,

itching or burning? Oh,

'cause Tasha asked me to escort her in the Easter pageant.

So I'm practicing my walk.

Walk like that in Bed-Stuy, you better run.

Why?

She seen you walk before?

Yeah, I know.

It's just that she just broke up with Robert.

So if I impress her now, she'll forget all about him.

And you will stroll right in and be her new man.

Exactly.

You think that's gonna work?

Why wouldn't it?

Because she's on the rebound.

Rebound? Yeah.

When you break up with somebody, the next person you end up with,

they got you on the rebound.

A person on the rebound will be with anybody

just to forget the person they just left.

So who do you have to break up with

to end up with Bobby Brown?

Well, if I got anything to do with it,

she gonna forget all about him.

Maybe if he hit her in the head with a brick.

Well, you got a whole day.

You got plenty of time.

Hey, Doc. Hey.

Hey, Chris.

Hey, Tasha, what's up?

My grandmother just told me

we're not going to our church this Sunday.

She wants me to do the pageant

at her old church in Queens.

Queens?

Sorry.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Now let's go to commercial before I start cursing.

Even though Tasha was going to another church on Easter,

I wasn't gonna let that stop me from going with her.

Hey, Tasha, wait up.

What?

What time is the Easter pageant

at your grandmother's old church.

After the early service at 4:00.

Why?

I'll be there.

Really?

Yeah, I'll be there.

Thanks, Chris.

I'll see you Sunday.

While I was going all out for Tasha,

Drew and Tonya were going all out to win.

We need to figure out a way

to get these eggs to church.

I got an idea.

Come over here.

This is where I hide all my stuff from mommy.

Shh.

Don't tell her.

I hope she doesn't have a gun in there.

All right, put the eggs in here.

Be careful.

Now all I got to do is convince Daddy

to let me bring my baby doll to church.

Cool.

While Drew and Tonya were stacking the deck,

my mother was stacking her hat.

Girl, I have been working

on this hat all day.

You want to see it? Yes!

Open, open, open!

Oh...

That's what I'm talking about.

That's a hat.

I just have to do one last thing.

Ooh! Ooh!

What's wrong?

Ooh, that's a bad hat, girl!

Hattie's gonna wish she never even messed with you!

And peacocks wished they'd stayed out of your way, too.

By the time Easter came,

my family was working on more schemes

than a pop star in rehab.

Rochelle, I got some bad news.

What?

I have to work today.

I can go to the service,

but after that I have to leave. No, he don't.

What are you talking about?

Nobody works on Easter.

He doesn't either.

Hey, what can I tell ya? I just got the call.

I didn't hear the phone.

Never rang. Maybe you were in the bathroom.

I wasn't in the bathroom.

I ain't hear it either. You hear the phone?

I didn't hear the phone. You hear the phone?

No, I didn't hear the phone.

Well, I answered it on the first ring.

No, he didn't.

One of the guys got sick.

They're offering quadruple double overtime.

DREW: Quadruple double overtime?

I never heard of that. You heard of that?

Never heard of that.

You heard of that?

No, I ain't heard of that.

I can't pass it up.

Well, it does sound like a lot of money.

It is. No, it's not.

Well, who's gonna escort me in the Easter Hat Show?

Drew can.

Why I gotta go? How come you can't go?

I gotta help Tonya hunt eggs.

I can help Tonya hunt eggs.

Not if I can help it.

Nah, I don't want you

to mess your suit up. You know what?

Chris is right. Drew can escort me.

But, Chris, I want you and Tonya in your seats

clapping for me at 4:00.

4:00? Yeah,

that's what time the fashion show starts.

Why, you got something better to do?

Yeah. Nah.

Okay.

I didn't know how I was gonna be in two places at once,

but I wasn't gonna risk blowing it with Tasha.

By the time we got to church, the hat show hadn't started,

but the competition was already on...

: Praise the Lord. Hi, girl.

I saved you all some seats. Okay.

Go in.

Praise the Lord, Brother Brown.

How you been? All right.

Girl, I have not seen you in a month of Sundays.

How you been?

Sinning.

(2001: A Space Odyssey theme playing)

: Hi.

Sister Rochelle.

Sister Hattie.

Imagine what they would have called each other

if they weren't in church.

Happy Easter, everybody.

ALL: Happy Easter.

Can the church say Amen?

ALL: Amen.

Let me get a hallelujah. ALL: Hallelujah!

Praise the Lord! ALL: Praise the Lord!

All right.

Hey, baby...

I have to go to work,

so I'll see you all after.

Okay, baby.

But since I'm making a little more money,

you don't have to cook.

So buy a plate for everybody.

Nice touch.

Hey, Mom,

me and Tonya are gonna go get a head start on the egg hunt.

Okay, I want you back by 4:00 though.

We will.

So, I guess it's just me and you, Drew.

Yeah, I guess so.

Where you going?

I'm gonna meet Tasha in Queens.

I'm gonna tell on you.

What about all those eggs you snuck in?

You don't tell on me, I won't tell on you.

Fine.

When a good plan falls apart,

you usually have no idea it did...

until it's too late.

Oh! What happened?

I was doing Prince splits and I hurt my ankle.

Oh, no. What are we gonna do?

We should take him to the hospital.

No, I'm talking about the hat show.

Who's gonna escort me?

Well, if you want to quit, quit,

but don't bring the children in it.

What?!

Don't act shocked. I've seen it all before.

I am not pulling out of this competition.

So, I suggest that you work on your second-place smile,

'cause I'm taking this grand prize home.

Where's Julius?

He left for work.

Ooh, you know what? Go get Chris.

She was going to get me, but I was getting Tasha.

Hey.

Chris, you made it.

Told you I would.

By the time I got to Tasha, not only did I look good,

I was making Robert look really bad.

You know, my grandmother said

you were just another no-account Negro

who never kept his promises

or took care of his responsibilities,

and would eventually end up leaving me in the cold

with a runny-nosed baby.

Then we'd be on Jerry Springer.

Nah. I wouldn't do that.

She's probably thinking about Robert.

Yeah, but I don't want to talk about him.

Good.

Well, we'd better get going.

Looks like the pageant's going to start in a little while.

Tonya?

Ooh, where did you get all those eggs?

Did you hijack a chicken?

I've just been looking really hard.

Well, where's Chris?

Think fast, woman.

Uh, he's looking for eggs.

Well, we need to find him.

Drew sprained his ankle,

so he needs to escort your mother to the hat show.

Come on, girl.

Come on, girl!

Meanwhile, the only thing my dad was working

was the remote control.

Strike! Strike?

What are you talking about?

That was low and inside!

Come on.

You got him.

Come on. You got him.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, man!

Across town, Tasha had lost a boyfriend

and won a pageant,

and I was there to collect the prize.

VANESSA: What makes you think he's going to be here?

Well, he wasn't at Doc's or the playground or the barbershop.

Maybe he's here.

What are y'all doing here?

We're looking for Chris. What are you doing here?

Where's Chris? VANESSA: Well, we don't know,

that's why we're trying to find him.

Drew sprained his ankle-- there's nobody to be

Rochelle's escort.

I thought you had to work.

I did. I-I just came here to get changed.

Um... I was just catching a little bit of the game

before I went in.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Looks like you caught more than just a little bit of the game.

TONYA: Well, somebody needs to go back to church

and escort Mama through the hat show,

or we're all going to get in trouble.

Okay, okay.

We'll just keep this between us.

You, them and a five dollar bill.

Well, now, this year our fashion show

has been nothing less than spectacular.

You got that right!

Now I believe it's the best hat-off we've had in years.

Does the church agree?

Amen! Amen!

PREACHER: Well, I see the judges have made their decision.

For the past three years,

Sister Rochelle has swept the competition.

Hallelujah!

But this Easter, our newest member, Sister Hattie,

brings a wealth of hat expertise and her awards, too.

Damn.

Oops. I'm sorry.

But this year's winner and still champ

is Sister Rochelle.

* Her Easter hat won the hat show *

* Rochelle's new hat, four years in a row *

* She can't believe that she beat Hattie *

* This Easter hat is the hat that made history *

* Oh, oh, oh, oh

* Oh...

Where's Chris?!

Where's Chris?! Here I am!

* History...

* Yeah, yeah, yeah.

By the end of the day,

I thought it would be different between me and Tasha.

Hey Chris, thanks for coming to my pageant with me.

I had a good time.

Me, too.

So, I was thinking,

you want to do something together sometime?

Robert?

Where's a meteor when you need one?

I'm sorry.

You should be.

Man, why don't you go somewhere?

She doesn't want to talk to you.

It's okay, Chris.

No, it's not.

I want to hear this.

No, you don't.

I didn't mean to call you stupid.

Yes, he did.

And I'm sorry.

No, he's not.

For real?

Yes.

No!

Don't do it again.

Ain't this about a...

I heard you won the Easter pageant.

Yeah, no thanks to you.

Unfortunately for me, that was a great Easter,

except the wrong person came back after three days.

: That feels good. Mm.

You'll be okay, baby.

I'm proud of you.

I'll go get dinner.

Thank you, baby.

You okay?

Uh, I'll get it.

ROCHELLE: Hello?

What's wrong with you?

I ate all the candy I won at the Easter egg hunt.

May I be excused, please?

Go upstairs. I'll check on you later.

Thank you.

Okay.

DREW: Hey, Dad.

When you get done, can I have some more frozen peas?

Frozen peas?

What are you doing Prince splits for anyway?

Between bandages, frozen vegetables Mm-hmm.

and cleaning your suit, that's $14.86 worth of split.

I'll bring your peas in a minute.

Okay.

Happy Easter.

Come on in, baby, sit down.

Who was that?

Your job.

It was?

Mm-hmm.

They want you to come in and work tonight.

They do?

Yeah.

You know, it funny because I told them

that you just came from work

to escort me in the Easter hat show.

But they said you hadn't been to work all day.

Quadruple double overtime, huh?

Hey. What's going on?

Hey, Chris, hey, how you doing?

Oh, you must be hungry.

Look, um, there's extra 'cause Tonya's sick.

Come on, Drew.

I can't walk.

Oh, we'll bring you some later.

I'll get it.

JULIUS: You sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

You've worked enough today.

Oh, hi, Tasha.

Hi. Is Chris here?

He is, but we're having dinner at the moment.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted to drop these pictures off for him.

And...

thanks for letting Chris come to Queens

and escort me in the Easter pageant.

You are so welcome.

And thank you.

Happy Easter.

You, too.

Okay.

Chris...!

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org