Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:02,803
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #050
"Everybody Hates Bad Boys"
CLOSED CAPTIONED
2
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:03,704
CHRIS ROCK:
After months
of being around Tasha,
3
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:04,405
we had become
really good friends.
4
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:05,039
"Wake Me Up
Before You Go
5
00:00:05,073 --> 00:00:06,207
What does that even mean?
6
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:07,141
The problem was: I didn't want
to be just a friend.
7
00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:10,444
I wanted to get
out of the friend zone
8
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,513
and into the lover zone,
9
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,482
and the only way was
to swing for the fences.
10
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,716
Can I ask you a question?
11
00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:17,051
Yeah.
12
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,352
Will you go with me?
13
00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:20,454
Go where?
14
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:22,323
Strike one.
15
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:25,226
No, I mean, like,
go together.
16
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,195
We are together.
17
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,629
Strike two!
18
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,800
No, I mean, like,
you and me go out.
19
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:33,834
What?
20
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,304
Strike three and you're out!
21
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,072
Boy, you so crazy.
22
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:39,807
:
Yeah, I'm so crazy.
23
00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,342
Are you about to go home?
24
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,843
Yeah, to cry.
25
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,545
Yeah, I guess.
26
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,480
Since the direct approach
didn't work,
27
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:48,349
I wondered what would.
28
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,184
I thought about being romantic.
29
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,519
Chris, what are you doing?
30
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,854
These are for you.
31
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,290
Boy, you're so crazy.
32
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:57,591
I thought
about being chivalrous.
33
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,160
Allow me.
34
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,364
Boy, you so crazy.
35
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,634
Boy, is that
your good jacket?
36
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,136
No.
37
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:10,504
I even thought
about being brave.
38
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:13,574
Hey... why don't y'all
leave her alone?
39
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,310
* Somebody tell me...
40
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:17,511
CHRIS:
Oh, God!
41
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:23,117
Boy, you so crazy!
42
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:25,819
No matter what I did,
she always said the same thing.
43
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,621
I'm glad we're friends.
44
00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:28,822
That makes one of us.
45
00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:31,192
I think you're, like, one
of the funniest people I know.
46
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:32,493
Thanks.
47
00:01:34,328 --> 00:01:36,330
Friends don't let friends
die lonely.
48
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,840
* Ah, make it funky now.
49
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:50,844
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
50
00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:54,848
.
51
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,365
While I tried
to kick the Tasha blues,
52
00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:13,167
my father came bearing news.
Hey.
53
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:14,202
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, everybody.
54
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,203
Hi, baby.
Hey.
55
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:17,605
I've got good news.
56
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,807
You finally kicked the gout?
No.
57
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,310
Chris isn't
your real son?
No.
58
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:23,844
Lionel Richie is back
with The Commodores?
59
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:24,845
No.
60
00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,847
Did you trade Tonya
to the devil for cable?
61
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,249
No.
62
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:30,618
I am Employee of the Month.
63
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:31,752
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
64
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,554
That's nice, baby.
That's great.
65
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:35,289
Aren't you going
to ask me what I got?
66
00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:37,225
A raise?
No.
67
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,859
Well, what did you get?
Your regular pay
68
00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:40,361
and a kick in the ass.
69
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:44,332
A coupon for a free dinner
for six at Domaine et Mer.
70
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:46,300
ALL:
Domain...
71
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,701
Mayor?
CHRIS:
The man is where?
72
00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:49,237
Is that Russian?
73
00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:50,371
DREW:
No, that's Spanish.
74
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:51,272
No, baby, it's French.
75
00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:53,874
Ah, dinner for six,
that sounds nice.
76
00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:55,909
But there's only five of us.
77
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,478
DREW:
Yeah.
78
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:58,546
Maybe we can
bring somebody.
79
00:02:58,579 --> 00:02:59,780
Wait a minute now.
80
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,449
This sounds like a nice place.
81
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:02,850
We can't just bring anybody.
82
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,752
We thought
about bringing Vanessa.
83
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,587
I dated a French guy once.
84
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,256
I can't stand French food.
85
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,457
I mean,
hors d'oeuvres.
86
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,925
Who wants a piece of liver
on a toothpick?
87
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:13,461
You got any chimichangas?
88
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:14,762
We thought about Jerome.
89
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:15,829
Uh...
90
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,298
excuse me,
garçon.
91
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:18,766
Can we get
some more silverware?
92
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:19,833
I just put some out.
93
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:22,303
:
I don't know
what happened to it.
94
00:03:25,473 --> 00:03:27,475
We even thought about Mr. Omar.
95
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,277
Oh, my God!
96
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,278
He's choking!
97
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:31,279
Help him!
98
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:32,480
Hold on!
99
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,947
There's nothing we can do.
100
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,984
But he's still choking.
101
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:38,886
Not anymore.
102
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,621
Tragic.
103
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:41,989
Uh-uh.
104
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:42,990
You know what?
105
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,326
We need to bring
somebody classy.
106
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,261
Let me think about it.
107
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,663
I was still hoping to make
some progress with Tasha,
108
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,399
but Greg was convinced
all hope was lost.
109
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,401
Dude, once a friend,
always a friend.
110
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,668
It's the
Westermarck effect.
111
00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:55,736
West what?
112
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:56,737
Edward Westermarck.
113
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:57,805
He was a scientist.
114
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,640
He concluded that
when two people live together
115
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:02,610
in close proximity
during the early years of life,
116
00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:04,044
they will never become
boyfriend and girlfriend.
117
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,913
That means I still have
a chance with Shakira.
118
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:07,781
There's got to be some
way for her to see me
119
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:08,849
as more than just a friend.
120
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:10,484
What kind of boys
does she like?
121
00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:11,985
I don't know.
122
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:14,422
Well, maybe you should ask
some other girls.
123
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,789
You'll get some ideas.
124
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,591
When you ask girls
what they like,
125
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:20,428
I found out you learn two
things: everything and nothing.
126
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,563
So what type of guys
do you like?
127
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,997
I like dumb guys.
128
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,599
I like tall guys.
129
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:26,900
I like girls.
130
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,803
Not interesting now,
but it will be later.
131
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:30,804
Free spirits.
132
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:32,706
Nice guys.
Bad boys.
133
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,842
ALL:
Rich.
134
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,043
Thanks.
135
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,545
I thought that was bad.
136
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:39,046
Then I found out
I wasn't the only guy
137
00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:40,681
that didn't know anything
about women.
138
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,584
Girls like it
when you give them compliments.
139
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:44,685
Hey, baby,
140
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,455
I'm no Fred Flintstone,
but I can make your Bedrock.
141
00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:50,458
Shut up, idiot.
142
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:51,792
I wasn't even talking to her.
143
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,628
Hey, baby, what you doing?
144
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:59,099
Julius, I'm gonna need
a few extra dollars this week.
145
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,501
For what?
146
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,436
Well, we can't go
to a nice restaurant
147
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,705
looking like
"Who let you in?"
148
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:05,939
I'm gonna need
a new dress.
149
00:05:06,774 --> 00:05:08,742
The boys need haircuts.
150
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,511
And I need a new pair
of shoes.
151
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,413
So does Tonya.
152
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,682
I saw
these fake eyelashes...
153
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,850
There's this really nice shawl
that goes with the dress.
154
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:20,821
Pantyhose.
Only my mother could make
a free dinner expensive.
155
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,624
After getting every answer
under the sun,
156
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,125
I figured the only way
to find out
157
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,528
what Tasha liked
was to ask Tasha.
158
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:28,729
Tag.
159
00:05:28,762 --> 00:05:29,997
You need to borrow
some detergent?
160
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,064
No, it's okay.
161
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:32,132
My grandma's ticky.
162
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,567
If I get the wrong soap,
163
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,436
she says it's going
to make her butt itch.
164
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:36,470
Do you have any quarters?
165
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:39,039
Yeah.
166
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:41,141
You know, I didn't expect
to see you here today.
167
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,810
I always do laundry
on Wednesdays.
168
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:43,944
I told you that.
169
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:45,779
Oh, yeah, I must
have forgot.
170
00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:47,915
Don't you just hate
doing laundry?
171
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,683
Yeah.
172
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:51,752
But, you know,
I guess it'd be kind of cool
173
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:54,755
if you had a boyfriend
to do it for you.
174
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:55,623
No.
175
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,658
What kind of man does
a woman's laundry?
176
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,926
Strike one!
177
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,762
Yeah, no, that
wouldn't be cool.
178
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,431
I-I wouldn't do that.
179
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,165
I'd be like, "Woman, you
better do my laundry."
180
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,434
And I guess you want her
181
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,068
barefoot and pregnant,
too, huh?
182
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,537
Strike two!
183
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,639
Nah.
184
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,541
I was just kidding.
185
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,576
All right,
don't mess this one up.
186
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:19,547
So if you could go out with any
type of guy, who would you pick?
187
00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:23,150
I know this is going
to sound funny, but...
188
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:24,752
I'd go with Slaver Slav.
189
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:25,753
Who?
190
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,689
Slaver Slav is
the preeminent bad boy of rap,
191
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,858
the top recording act
at Setback Records.
192
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,626
He is responsible
for the hit album
193
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,562
I'm Smacking
and Stabbing Somebody.
194
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:35,929
At the tender age of 16,
195
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,431
Slaver Slav was released
from prison
196
00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:40,534
after serving 17 years
for aggravated battery.
197
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:44,137
This is Slaver Slav's first mug
shot, but it wasn't his last.
198
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:45,973
He released his first single
199
00:06:46,006 --> 00:06:48,542
"Put Me in Jail Again and
I'll Smack the Stank Off You"
200
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:49,577
about a month later.
201
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,445
The rest is history.
202
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,847
Slaver Slav?
203
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:54,815
Why?
204
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:55,849
He's a bad boy.
205
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:58,185
I mean, you never know
what he's going to do next.
206
00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,987
Yeah, stab you or shoot you.
207
00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,321
All the girls like him.
208
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:05,559
Now if I could just get locked
up, I could finally get lucky.
209
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,160
Wait,
that didn't come out right.
210
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,869
Hey, man, I've been
looking for you.
What's up?
211
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:18,772
I've got every tape and
article on Slaver Slav.
My wigga!
212
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:22,743
All you have to do is
study him, learn him, be him.
213
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,478
Thanks.
No problem.
214
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,014
Watching Slaver Slav,
215
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:30,017
I learned the most important
thing about being a bad boy.
216
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,486
When it comes to girls,
the meaner the better,
217
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,988
and whatever you do,
don't be nice.
218
00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:37,625
* Girls be talking
about what they like *
219
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:38,659
* I don't care
220
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:39,660
* 'Cause I ain't nice
221
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,195
* I talked to you once,
don't call me twice *
222
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,898
* Kiss my ass, girl,
I ain't nice *
223
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:47,901
* I got no manners,
I wear bandannas *
224
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,604
* Word on the street
is I'm bananas *
225
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,640
* I got a lot of money,
I'm cold as ice *
226
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:55,275
* So get out my face,
ho, I ain't nice *
227
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,878
* I ain't nice, I ain't nice
228
00:07:57,911 --> 00:08:00,614
* Ha, ha, Slaver Slav!
229
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,621
That girl on the left
eventually had a baby
230
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,990
with Ghostface Killah.
231
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:16,263
Chris, I hear your father
got Employee of the Month
232
00:08:16,296 --> 00:08:17,264
down at the paper.
233
00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:19,499
Yeah.
234
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,904
They still giving out
their free dinners?
235
00:08:23,937 --> 00:08:24,772
Uh-huh.
236
00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:27,240
Subtlety was not
Doc's strong suit.
237
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:30,544
Uh, that's usually
for six people, right?
238
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:32,813
Uh-huh, I'm thinking
about asking Tasha to go.
239
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,848
Oh, Tasha.
240
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,184
'Cause she looks better
in a dress.
241
00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:38,852
Slaver Slav.
242
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:41,288
The bad boy
of rap.
243
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:42,255
You know him?
244
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:46,794
Yeah, he broke up
with my best buddy's niece.
245
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,862
That boy is bad.
246
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:51,832
He treated her like nothing,
and she still loved him.
247
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,000
See, that's what
I don't get.
248
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,135
I don't understand why girls
like you to treat them bad.
249
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:57,270
Chris, women are crazy.
250
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,673
They think just
because they get a bad boy,
251
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:02,710
they'll be so special
that they'll be the only ones
252
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,645
to make him treat
a girl nice.
253
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,781
It's just like trying
to climb Mount Everest.
254
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:09,950
Every now and then,
somebody does it,
255
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:12,019
but they usually end up
in a snow cave,
256
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,086
chewing on their own leg.
257
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,222
Analogies were not
Doc's strong suit either.
258
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,257
Are we still
talking about girls?
259
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:21,094
Chris, all I'm trying to say
is Slaver Slav figured it out.
260
00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:24,064
If you want a girl
to go crazy over you,
261
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,933
be like Mount Everest.
262
00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,200
Be difficult.
263
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,670
Try to get to her
to eat her own leg off.
264
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:32,973
And whatever you do,
don't be nice.
265
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:36,343
And again I say there's
a reason why Doc lives alone.
266
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:39,312
I was a bad boy years before
Martin Lawrence and Will Smith.
267
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:40,748
Hey, Chris.
268
00:09:40,781 --> 00:09:42,149
Do I know you?
269
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,117
You don't remember me?
Do I look like I remember you?
270
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:45,653
I'm Yolanda.
271
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,387
Yolanda?
No. Sonia.
272
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,122
Why you acting
all funny?
273
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,291
Look, I'm just trying to read.
Why don't you go do something?
274
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:53,360
I just wanted to talk
to you for a minute. Dag!
275
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,728
Did you come here
276
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,363
to buy something
or just get on my nerves?
277
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,032
How come every time I come in
here, you always playing me off?
278
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,001
What's your name again?
It's Carla.
279
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:03,070
Does your head just do that,
or is that a nervous condition?
280
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,972
You ain't got to talk
about nobody.
281
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,674
What's up with that hat?
You don't like it?
282
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:08,375
If it's covering up a bald spot,
it's fine.
283
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,843
It's much better than your hair.
284
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:10,978
What's wrong
with my hair?
285
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:12,245
What's not wrong with your hair?
286
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,715
Call me.
287
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,717
Call me.
288
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,351
Call me.
289
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:22,322
* If we talked,
what words could I describe... *
290
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,825
I didn't know
if this would work on Tasha,
291
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,927
or if she had too much
self-esteem.
292
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,095
Hey, Chris.
293
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,196
What?
294
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,298
I said hi.
What's wrong with you?
295
00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:32,966
Why does something got
to be wrong with me?
296
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,101
Maybe you just didn't say hi
loud enough.
297
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:36,169
Forget it.
298
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,270
Damn!
299
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:40,140
Why did I listen to an old fool
that lives alone?
300
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:42,042
Did I do something to you?
301
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,210
No, but I wish you would.
302
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,177
Girl, ain't nobody
thinking about you.
303
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,345
Okay.
304
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:46,680
Except me.
305
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,148
* Cold-blooded,
the way you walk *
306
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:49,750
Are you going to the bus stop?
307
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:50,918
Yeah. Why?
308
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,219
Do you want me
to walk with you?
309
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,186
I don't care.
310
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:54,354
* Sexy *
311
00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,890
* Mama, you're too cold for me
312
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:58,892
You're trippin'.
313
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:02,229
And you're falling for it.
314
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,065
* Who are you...
315
00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:07,467
I heard your father made
Employee of the Month.
316
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,969
Who told you that?
317
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,070
Tonya.
318
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,071
Oh.
319
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,405
The girl talk too much.
320
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:13,807
That's true.
321
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,175
You didn't want
me to know?
322
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:18,078
Nah, it's just that
she be running her mouth.
323
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,813
I got this free dinner
324
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:22,415
at this place where
Slaver Slav eats-- place called
325
00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:23,984
Domaine et Mer.
326
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,086
He might be ignorant,
but he loves good food.
327
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:29,256
Slaver Slav? Wow.
328
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,925
Yeah. My mom wants
to invite one more person.
329
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,160
I'm, like,
"Yo, Mom, bus' it.
330
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,262
Why we got
to take one more person?"
331
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:36,229
There's more food for us.
332
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,131
I wish I could go.
333
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,067
He says the food
is incredible.
334
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,002
Yeah, well,
that's what we gonna do.
335
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,471
If you want to come,
then come on.
336
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,473
Are you asking me to go?
337
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:49,276
I ain't asking you twice.
338
00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:50,310
Thanks.
339
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,346
MAN :
It's a home run!
340
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,983
And that ball is out of here.
341
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,751
Hey, Ma.
342
00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,219
Hey, sweetie.
343
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,954
Found somebody
to go to dinner with us.
344
00:12:00,988 --> 00:12:02,122
Oh, that's okay, baby.
345
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,290
I decided to
take Michael.
346
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:04,992
Uncle Michael's
coming?
Yeah, man.
347
00:12:05,025 --> 00:12:06,293
I heard
French food
348
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,394
real good!
349
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,229
That's French.
350
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,364
I've been studying,
'cause I'm ready to go.
351
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,301
Ooh, la, la. I can't wait.
352
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:18,138
And I can't wait for you
to choke on that spaghetti.
353
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,977
CHRIS ROCK:
Trying to take a free meal
away from my uncle Michael
354
00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:25,913
was like trying to take a bone
away from a pit bull.
355
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:26,980
Let me get this straight.
356
00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:29,817
You want me to give up
a free dinner for a girl?
357
00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:31,318
Michael, please.
I already invited her.
358
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,787
I've been trying to get with her
for I don't know how long.
359
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,322
If I blow this, probably
won't get another chance.
360
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,924
I don't know.
361
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,892
What do I get out of it?
362
00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,193
What do you want?
363
00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,795
The one thing my uncle loved
364
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,831
more than a free meal
was a bunch of free meals.
365
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,498
All it took was
a shrimp basket...
366
00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,234
What's up?
What's up?
367
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:48,902
Mmm! Later.
Later.
368
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,437
...and a slopper.
369
00:12:50,470 --> 00:12:52,205
Hmm. What's up?
What's up?
370
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,273
Mmm. Later.
371
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,541
Later.
372
00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:57,477
What's all this?
373
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:58,946
Well, I just thought
374
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:00,480
that since we're going
to a nice restaurant,
375
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,315
we need to brush up
on our manners.
376
00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:04,251
I don't want y'all in there
embarrassing me.
377
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,518
For a free meal, I don't care
378
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,387
if y'all showed up
butt-naked with socks on.
379
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,589
If we were butt-naked,
we wouldn't have socks on,
380
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,024
would we?
381
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:12,325
We're not even there yet,
and I'm already
382
00:13:12,359 --> 00:13:14,895
embarrassed.
What's going on?
383
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:17,230
Mom is trying to teach us
manners before we go out.
384
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:20,333
Manners? Who's going to teach us
how to use all these forks?
385
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:22,135
I'm getting to that.
Where's Michael?
386
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:23,370
He's the one needs
to learn some manners.
387
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:24,471
Oh, yeah, Uncle Michael
stopped by earlier.
388
00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:25,939
He can't make it to dinner.
389
00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:28,208
Oh, well, I don't know
who else to invite.
390
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,977
How about Tasha?
ALL:
Tasha?
391
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,312
Do I have to buy everybody
shrimp and sloppers?
392
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,146
Is that okay with you, baby?
393
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,448
Sounds like
a good idea.
Oh, good.
394
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:38,185
Translation:
she eats like a white girl.
395
00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:41,421
My father was really excited,
but he was about to find out
396
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,290
that his free dinner
had a high price.
397
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,125
Good evening, sir.
398
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,293
May I help you?
399
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,528
Yes. We have a
reservation for six.
400
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,530
Um, it was made
by the newspaper.
401
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,933
I'm the Employee
of the Month.
402
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:55,335
That look means,
"Oh, great, poor people."
403
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,436
Employee of the Month,
404
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:57,938
party of six.
405
00:13:57,971 --> 00:13:59,306
I don't have anything available
right now,
406
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,009
but if you have a seat,
I'll be right with you.
407
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:04,244
Never trust a black man
who speaks French.
408
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:07,114
Hi. Banks party
for six, 8:00 p.m.?
409
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,248
Bonsoir, Mr. Banks.
410
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,482
Right this way.
411
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:11,018
Ah, good.
Come on, gang.
412
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:11,985
Oui, oui.
413
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:13,553
Oui, oui really means
white, white.
414
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:14,955
Bon appétit!
415
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,423
Thank you.
416
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:24,464
She's about to smack
the duck liver out of him.
417
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,200
May I help you?
418
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,970
I thought you said you didn't
have anything available.
419
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:30,904
We don't.
420
00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:33,673
But you had something available
for them.
421
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:36,543
They are... how do I put this?
422
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,978
They are paying.
423
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:38,678
They're white.
424
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,680
Oh, hold on.
We're paying.
425
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:41,481
No, you're not.
426
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,950
You're not white!
427
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:44,384
We provide the newspaper
428
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:46,453
with one complimentary table
a month.
429
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,489
The provide us
with a reduced ad rate.
430
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,158
So you're not paying.
431
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,559
Now, if you check your coupon...
432
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,694
You do have your coupon,
don't you?
433
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,997
Does he know
who he's talking to?
434
00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:59,466
It says right here
that promotional seating
435
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,135
is subject to the manager's
discretion.
436
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:04,604
I am the manager;
it's my discretion.
437
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:07,607
So are you telling us
that we can't sit down?
438
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,410
You-You can sit down.
439
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:12,379
Just can't sit
at the same table.
440
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,413
What?
441
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:17,550
This is so nice.
442
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,087
I wonder what
Slaver Slav would order.
443
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:21,454
Bet it be cheap.
444
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,490
And fried.
445
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,328
Nothing's cooler than
lighting a match for no reason.
446
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:31,931
Do you think the kids
will be okay, baby?
447
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,669
They'll be fine.
448
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,972
Meanwhile, back at
the Diff'rent Strokes table...
449
00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:40,140
This is so cool.
450
00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:41,408
Thanks for letting us
sit with you guys.
451
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,575
No problem at all.
452
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,077
You're our guests,
453
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,445
so feel free
to order anything you want.
454
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,379
For real?
455
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,547
For real.
456
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,319
Meanwhile, I had started acting
like a bad boy for Tasha,
457
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,354
but ended up being a jerk
to everybody.
458
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:55,555
Can I take your order?
459
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,757
Bus' it.
We get some French fries?
460
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,759
We don't have French fries.
461
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,162
Y'all call yourself
a French restaurant.
462
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,531
All right, what y'all got?
463
00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,333
Uh, have you had a chance
to look at the menu?
464
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:07,400
Nah.
465
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:08,568
Y'all got some fish?
466
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:09,536
We have several types.
467
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,638
All right, well,
fry some of that up for me,
468
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,506
get us some drinks,
some salad with French dressing
469
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,008
some of them escargots,
470
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,310
some French onion soup,
some French toast,
471
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,512
and for dessert,
some French vanilla ice cream.
472
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:20,613
Anything else?
473
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:23,550
Y'all got French mustard?
474
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:25,118
I'll check.
475
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:27,287
Check on then.
476
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,290
(French instrumental
music playing)
477
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:34,261
You want one?
478
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,200
Excuse me?
479
00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,337
That's the French version
of black
480
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:46,673
So, what are you
having, baby?
481
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:49,209
I'm about to have a fit.
482
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:51,178
Hey! Hey! Hey!
483
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:57,450
May I help you?
484
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:58,685
Do you see us sitting here?
485
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:01,288
I'm not understanding
the question.
486
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:04,457
Look, man, we just want to have
our dinner and get out of here.
487
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,059
Could you please take our order?
488
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,827
Yes. What would you like?
489
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:10,430
Oh, yes. Okay, um, I was
looking at this item
490
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:11,664
right here.
Excuse me.
491
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:14,201
See that.
492
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:17,337
Is there something wrong?
493
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,172
Yes. They gave you
the wrong menus.
494
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,340
These
495
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,509
are the Employee
of the Month menus.
496
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,377
What?
497
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:26,546
There's only
three things on here.
498
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,348
Yes, and we're out
of the chicken.
499
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,083
What?
500
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,551
Take your time.
501
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,255
But I wanted the chicken.
502
00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:36,623
Wow.
503
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:38,225
I've never had
coq au vin before.
504
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,693
You two have such
great manners.
505
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,462
Your mother must be very proud.
506
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,197
Well, she said
if we didn't act right,
507
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:45,532
she'd slap the caviar out of us.
508
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,234
Oh.
509
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:49,569
Béarnaise, anyone?
510
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:54,841
I don't think you're supposed
to have your feet on the table.
511
00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:57,544
Ain't nobody ask you.
512
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,347
Young man, I'm going
to have to ask you
513
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,449
to take your feet off the table.
514
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:03,783
What if I don't feel like it?
515
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:06,486
Then I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
516
00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:12,159
What if I don't feel
like doing that either?
517
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:15,828
You're with the Employee
of the Month, aren't you?
518
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:22,202
What is going on over there?
519
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:25,438
Is that Chris?
520
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:28,341
What?
521
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:33,913
* Everybody plays the fool
sometime *
522
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:37,517
* There's no exception
to the rule *
523
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:39,719
* Listen, baby
524
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:43,556
* It may be factual,
may be cruel *
525
00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:45,592
* I ain't lying
526
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,794
* Everybody plays a fool...
527
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,629
Chris!
528
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,631
What?!
529
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,170
(rhythmic beeping,
air whooshing)
530
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,638
ROCHELLE:
Hey, baby.
531
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,273
Ma?
532
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,275
How's everything going
in here?
533
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,811
Oh, Doctor,
is he going to be okay?
534
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,646
Well, I think we'll be able
to get it out,
535
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:08,281
but you won't be able
to wear that shoe again.
536
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:09,382
Hang in there, big guy.
537
00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:11,684
WOMAN :
Any available IC nurse, 609.
538
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:12,652
Any available...
539
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:13,853
How you feeling, sweetie?
540
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:15,555
Not too good.
541
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:18,625
:
Well, why were you
acting like that?
542
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,328
Just trying to
impress Tasha.
543
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:24,331
By acting like an idiot?
544
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:27,600
No. She said she liked bad boys,
like Slaver Slav.
545
00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:29,702
Trying to act like him.
546
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:30,903
Without the money.
547
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:33,440
Baby, you can only be
who you are.
548
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,908
If she doesn't want you,
then you don't want her.
549
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:38,578
That day I learned the most
important lesson in life:
550
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:41,281
be yourself,
or get a pump in your ass.
551
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,383
Mommy's gonna get you
some ice chips, okay?
552
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:45,352
Better get a shoehorn, too.
553
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:46,919
Dr. Anthony to the...
554
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,555
Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
555
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:50,923
Hey, Chris.
556
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,426
Tasha?
557
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,395
Yeah. Are you okay?
558
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,897
Yeah, I'll be fine.
559
00:19:57,930 --> 00:20:01,734
I just wanted to apologize
for acting like such an idiot.
560
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:02,969
Forgive me?
561
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:04,671
Yeah, it's okay.
562
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,539
That's what friends are for.
563
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,341
Thanks, Dionne Warwick.
564
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,710
Is this your x
565
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,412
Yeah.
566
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,747
:
Boy, you so crazy.
567
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:17,750
Crazy like a boy
with a shoe up his butt.
568
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,688
* Everybody hates Chris.
569
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:25,525
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
39278
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof