Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: As much as I loved growing up in Bed-Stuy,

the place I loved even more was down South.

After segregation and before the 2 Live Crew, down South

was good, and the weather was always beautiful.

Hey, Mom, when are we going down South again?

When the Klan breaks up. I don't know, baby.

That'll be nice. Hey, Ma.

Who's that?

Oh, that's your Cousin Beanie!

You know what, she's 12, just like you.

Except Cousin Beanie's not evil.

You know what, maybe we should plan

a trip down South.

I don't like down South; people act too country.

They're not acting. Well, I wish I could go.

Well, Drew and Tonya, you guys get washed up.

We're about to eat.

Hey! Hey!

Hey!

Hey, little man.

Hey, Uncle Louis!

Hey. Hey.

Hi

Uh

LOUIS: I just found out that Uncle Morris died.

Uncle Morris?

Yeah. He taught me how to drive.

Well, who was Uncle Morris?

He's my mother's sister's second husband.

A stick shift.

Oh, baby. Well, when's the funeral?

Next week.

Down South. Oh.

I don't think we can go.

Baby, what do you mean, we can't go?

We can't afford to go.

You can't put a price tag on family, Julius.

Yeah, but he'll give you five dollars to shut up.

Louis is right. Family is family, baby.

Family is family.

So we're going down South?

Yep.

Thanks, Uncle Morris.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK: Back at school, I tried to bring Greg up to speed

on the new direction of the South. Down South?

You mean, like, across the Mason

Yeah, you know, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina.

Mississippi?

Are you trying to get yourself killed?

You going to Mississippi is like me going to,

hmm, I don't know, Mississippi.

Man, it's not like that anymore.

Yes, it is. Anyway, I want to go.

Down South, the food is better.

The cops don't beat the crap out of you, and nobody's on crack.

That's because everybody's on the porch.

Well, I'm sorry about your uncle, man.

I'll see you when you get back. All right.

Before you could buy plane tickets on the Internet,

the cheapest way to travel was to take Greyhound.

How's it going?

Well, they've only got two busses

that go to Greenville, South Carolina.

The cheaper one goes to Camden, Portsmouth,

Baltimore, Richmond, Baltimore again,

Raleigh, Toledo, Gastonia... Darryl Richardson's house,

What? Boston,

the Crossroads, Atlanta, then Greenville.

Well, does the other bus make less stops? Oh!

Yeah, but it costs almost $200 more.

Well, why don't we just drive?

I love a road trip.

What, are... you going with us?

: Well, how else am I supposed to get there, silly?

You want to...

* Superman!

Blink! Yes, master.

Well, I-I just assumed you'd be flying-- I mean...

you don't want to be on no bus with us.

Are you kidding?

I love the bus!

Man, I get to spend time

with my big brother and his family,

see the sights, meet new people, and best of all,

sing-alongs.

Sing it with me.

* Now I lay me down to sleep, bow! *

* Whoo! I just can't

BOTH: * Find the beat

* Flashlight, light

* Now, Neon light... Take the bass part.

BOTH : * Neon light...

Um, uh, Julius, can you come upstairs with me

for a second? He can if Uncle Louis isn't coming.

* La, da, da

(Louis continues humming, imitating bass)

What is wrong with you?

Do you hear that?

* Everybody's got a little light *

: * Under the sun, under the sun... *

That's what's wrong with me.

Look, I'm not gonna spend 26 hours on a bus with my brother.

I love him, but he drives me nuts.

Baby, why? I mean, he's always laughing

and smiling and in a good mood.

Exactly. And while he's having fun, you know what I'm doing?

Working. Look, look.

* Everybody's got a little... I'm not trying to be unreasonable,

but I just cannot take it. Okay...

Baby, look, I can't take it. All right, I got you.

* Under the sun, under... Just calm down. I'll handle it.

After my mother convinced my Uncle Louis to fly,

we headed to Port Authority, the only place in New York

scarier than our neighborhood. Okay, I want y'all to be real careful in here.

This place is full of pickpockets, pimps and...

and-and murderers and child molesters and thieves.

That's the Port Authority slogan.

Rochelle, don't scare 'em.

Too late.

Julius, this place is full of hustlers

trying to prey on innocent people.

She said the same thing

when we visited Washington, DC.

So that's why I decided to divide our money

between me, you and Chris.

You did?

Yeah. So just in case somebody pickpockets one of us,

they won't get us all.

Well, where'd you put it?

: It's in your shirt pocket.

Don't look

for it now!

Hey, there's the gate right there.

Don't touch anything.

And don't make eye contact with strangers.

(woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.)

: Please check the board for updates.

MAN : Two security guards report to Gate 4.

Two security guards report to...

This pocket doesn't open.

Oh, well, I sewed the top closed,

and I left it open on the side.

Star Jones had that done to her stomach.

Ma, I'm hungry. Can we get a snack?

Are you nuts?

Have you seen the rats in this place?

Let's just go home and eat there.

Same rats, different borough.

Okay, okay, we'll get something from the vending machines.

I'll go get the tickets.

All right, well, Chris, get these bags together, okay?

We'll be right back.

Keep your eyes open. And put the money

away, boy! Come on.

TONYA: Oh, Ma, TV seats! Can we watch, please?

Okay, we got time for one show,

and then we got to go back.

Me first.

Well, let me get some change.

It's broken.

Well, didn't you see me

about to put money in there? Yeah.

Well, why didn't you say something?

Ain't that how it goes.

Ma, this TV doesn't work.

Miss, my bus is leaving for Fort Lauderdale soon.

You can have my seat then.

Thank you so much.

Eh, it's not a problem.

Como esta, everybody?

Top o' the morning to you.

Top o' the day.

Wherever you think you're going,

tiempo para jugar!

It's time to play.

Ladies and gentlemen, I got three cards here.

You guys got courage? You know what luck is?

Luck is opportunity and preparedness

coming together as one.

And I'm prepared. Are you?

Three simple cards-- you tell me which one's it gonna be?

Can you find the jack?

It's all about this jack, and if you pick

the right one out of these three cards,

you can win some money right now.

Come on, sir, I feel your intensity over there.

"Hmm, I could win some money, I could get my wife

a nice little present; I could bring it on the bus when I see her."

Come on. Here we go. What you got for me?

You got to find this jack. You ready?

It's all about what you see and what you saw.

Where's the jack, sir?

Uh, ten bucks right here.

Right there, huh?

Let's turn that over. Pa-pow!

Ten dollars.

This man's a winner, everybody.

This man's a winner, and I over here am a giver.

There you go, sir-- lucky man, lucky man, indeed.

We're gonna start it up and running again.

We're talking about...

the jack, where's the jack?

I'm pretty sure it's out on the end.

What about you, man, you want to jump in on this? Here we go.

Oh...!

Money, money goes around,

money, money, can it be found?

Congratulations. We gonna keep this dance going.

Little man, why don't you play?

Nah. I'm not allowed to gamble.

Aw, this ain't gambling.

This is easy. You can handle this.

See these three little cards? I'll show you

what it's all about, see?

All you have to do is see if you... can pick...

the right... card.

Where's the right card?

There. Little man.

I'm on him. What's up, little man,

you want to put a little money on that?

It would've been great to take the quicker bus down South,

and even though my mind said, "Don't do it,"

my mouth said... $20.

WOMAN: $20 on the young man.

All right. Why don't you turn that card over.

Yeah!

I knew I wasn't supposed to gamble,

but I was doing it for a good cause,

and I was winning.

Oh, man!

Shuffle the cards and where's the jack?

Turn it over, little man. Turn it over.

Yeah! All right!

You cannot lose!

There you go-- the money is being passed around, everybody.

Can you feel it?

There's a jack in here.

You need to tell me,

where is it?

$50. I'll match you.

I'm there, I'm there. WOMAN: He has not lost.

You sure?

Hundred dollars says you're wrong.

I don't have a hundred.

Whatcha got? $80.

Throw it down.

$80.

This was gonna be easy money.

Turn it over.

WOMAN: Oh, my Lord.

I got jacked with a deck of cards.

* Everybody's got a little light *

* Under the sun, under the sun *

* Under the sun

: * Oh, flashlight

Uncle Louis?

No, it's Bootsy Collins.

* Flashlight...

Come on, man, are you okay?

Yeah. I thought you were flying to the funeral.

Oh, yeah, but the weather was so bad that they cancelled my flight,

so I decided to ride the bus with you.

Excuse you.

Sheesh!

Hey, where's the big man?

Oh, he's out getting the tickets.

Oh, cool. Hey, can you go find him and tell him to get me one?

Yeah, but can you watch the bags?

Absolutely. Oh, and if you see your mom, tell her I'm here.

I'll try to get the words out while she's choking me.

* Now I lay me down to sleep... *

As hard as my father worked for his money,

I couldn't tell him I got taken,

so I decided to get the money back on my own...

by any means necessary.

Watch your bags as you go to the bathroom.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Watch your bags...

Hey. Come on now. You know it's not yours.

Take a picture with a black kid.

What?

Warm your gloves. Glove-warming.

Oh, no, terrible. Oh, this is horrible.

What's he doing? No rhythm.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I need five tickets;

two adults, three children

to Greenville, South Carolina leaving at 8:30.

That bus is delayed.

I know, but whatever time it's leaving

I'm still gonna need tickets.

Where are they?

Who?

The children. I can't sell you children's tickets

unless I see the children.

Why not?

Because what if they're adults?

Lady, I am not running a scam.

I need to go to a funeral.

Sorry to hear that.

I still need to see the kids.

Ma'am, I've been waiting in line almost an hour.

And you didn't have time to go get the children.

Lady, I am buying bus tickets to Greenville, South Carolina.

Now that has to be the worst scam on Earth.

Now, if I am that desperate

to get out of New York City,

you don't want me hanging around,

especially around the time you get off.

Is that a threat?

Let's just say it's a scenario.

Two adults, three kids. That's $180.

They said it was $120.

That was our Underground Railroad special.

It's been discontinued.

How much are slave ship tickets?

Chris.

Get out of the way, huh?

Hey, Dad.

Who's watching our stuff?

Uncle Louis.

Uncle Louis is here?

What'd he do, get kicked off the plane for singing?

No, his flight got canceled, so he wants to ride with us.

He wants you to buy him a ticket.

Buy him a ticket?

I don't have enough money to buy our tickets.

How come

Forget about it.

Just give me the money your mother gave you.

Excuse me. I'll be back in five years.

Oh, um, I don't have it.

What do you mean you don't have it?

What happened to it?

The best thing about having two parents

is that usually one of them wants you to live.

But my father could only help me

if I told the truth.

Three-card monte.

Chris, I'm gonna get that money back.

Yo, here we go. Bang!

Had your eyes on the prize!

Jacks to be found, I'm throwing the money down.

Money coming out to the players.

You want to keep winning, ring around the rosy.

You got to find the jack and you're gonna win the crown.

Make your money stack and find the jack.

Place your bets.

It's right there.

Are you sure? Place your bets.

Positive.

I got $50 on it.

Oh. $100 says that you wrong.

Are you sure that's the card?

Yeah.

Here we go.

There you go.

Take a bat. Show me where it's at.

Hmm-hmm-hmm.

Don't frown. Don't frown.

This is the kind of experience

that brings a father and son closer...

closer to death.

The only thing my father hated more than losing money

was borrowing money.

Three

Yeah, we thought we had the jack.

Look, look, I'm sorry, bro.

I just don't have that much on me right now.

Come on, man.

Uncle Morris taught you how to drive.

Stick shift.

Sorry.

The rain had fallen,

butthe storm was just about to hit.

Y'all acting like somebody else died.

What happened?

ALL: Oh, nothing!

Everything's all right, you know.

I just want a hug...

from Tonya!

Hey! Yeah!

You're so funny.

Why y'all acting all suspicious?

I'm not acting suspicious.

I was over there, but now here.

But we're cool. Just having

some good times, you know?

Don't make me have to get it out of you.

Okay, I played three-card monte

and I lost all the money that you gave me to hold.

Then I tried to win it back

and I lost the rest of the money.

I-I didn't do anything.

Gambling?!

How many times do I have to tell y'all about gambling?

Quick, sing "Flashlight"!

* Flashlight...

WOMAN : Please do not leave luggage unattended.

What are you doing here anyway?

Hey, does that mean we don't have to go to the funeral?

No.

We're going.

Drew, do you still know those kill moves?

Yeah.

If anybody tries to touch your sister

or take our bags,

kill 'em.

You, you and you, come with me.

Hey, Rachelle, maybe you should think about this.

I thought about it.

Rachelle, this guy's really good.

I don't want us to lose any more money

than we already have.

He's good, huh?

Yeah, he's really good.

Or maybe you just suck.

Listen, when I was little,

my father taught me all these scams.

Three-card monte was his favorite.

Honey, when it comes to three-card monte,

you cannot win the game.

Why not?

Because I always know where the card is.

But even if they pick the right card,

I just keep raising the bet till they get scared.

Oh, too bad!

But what if I pick the wrong card?

Then I let you bet everything you got.

Oh, tough break.

What if I don't want to play?

Nobody ever wants to play.

That's how come I got Rudy and Debra over there.

They're shills.

Shills?

Well, they act like they don't know each other.

So in order to get the game started,

they best first.

So him and her?

Yeah. They're the shills.

Here we go!

What if somebody bets on the right card

and doesn't get scared when you keep raising the bet?

Now, honey, this is a very important lesson right here.

We run!

Okay, you guys, all we need is one good bet.

What are we gonna bet?

We don't have any money.

You don't have any money.

Where'd you get all that?

Shouldn't I be saying that?

Sorry.

Where'd you get all that?

It's from my emergency fund.

If my father had ever thought to say,

"Quick, who's got $200? It's an emergency,"

she would have given it to him.

All right, you guys. Let's go.

You think it's right there?

You think it's that right there?

Here we go. Here we go.

Okay, Julius, you go over there.

Louis, you stay here.

If he try to run, be ready.

Chris, you come with me.

Take my advice, don't blink twice.

Pick that jack,

get your money back.

You, sir.

I saw it. It's this one right here.

You over there?

It's that one.

Little man back.

You got some more money?

No.

But I do.

Who are you?

I'm his mother, and I got $50 on that card.

I got a hundred that says that you're wrong.

I got $200 that says I'm right.

Turn the card over, Mother.

No, wait.

Oh-oh-oh, wait!

Now we wanna wait.

I bet you want to run, too. See,

that's my husband over there

and that's his brother back there,

so you can run, but you're not gonna get far.

You got to ask yourself one question:

Is today your lucky day?

Doubt it,

punk.

Now give me my damn money back!

Hurry!

And the cards, too! Give me the cards!

Just take it.

Come on, Chris.

We got back the money,

but there was still one problem.

Hey, where is everybody?

The bus left.

What?

All you had to do was watch the bags!

All I wanted was some Southern hospitality,

but all I got was Northern hostility.

Oh, y'all not hungry, right?

Yes, we are. ALL: Yeah!

Y'all hungry for this?!

Louis, this food is incredible.

Well, I figured that since we couldn't go down South,

I'd make us a good Southern meal.

RACHELLE: Nice.

Yeah, if Chris wasn't

so stupid, we could have gone.

Thanks, Chris.

Well, what are we gonna do

with all that money we won?

We?

Did you hear your daddy

We are gonna send Uncle Morris some flowers

and the rest of that money

is going back into my emergency fund. "We."

Mm-hmm!

Oh, my goodness. Mm-mm-mm, goodness.

Southern pecan pie.

You know it's my favorite, right?

Want a piece? All right now. Yeah.

You can have a piece.

All you got to do is pick out the jack.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org