Original subtitles

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #052 "Everybody Hates Houseguests" CLOSED CAPTIONED

Hey, Greg, what's up?

My father's going out of town for a week.

I have to stay with my grandmother.

I'm not looking forward to it.

Why not?

Left, right, left knee, right, left, right...

Anyways, I'll catch you later.

CHRIS ROCK: For most of my life,

I'd never had a friend stay over at my house...

Hey, Greg.

...mostly because I didn't have a friend,

and we already had too many people in our house.

You want to just come stay at my house?

Are you serious?

That'd be totally awesome.

Yeah, all I have to do is ask my mom.

Boy, are you crazy?!

And why are you just

springing this up on me?!

So he can't come stay with us?

Well, baby, it's just that I'm at work,

and I don't have time to get ready for company.

Okay, all right, Greg can stay,

but just tell him don't expect

anything special.

* Our house, in the middle of our street *

I'm warning you, man, don't expect anything special.

Don't worry, dude, I'm just happy to be here.

Hello, Greg! Hors d'oeuvre?

If this isn't special, I'd hate to see her overdo it.

Come, eat.

Help! My mother is possessed by a nice lady.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Now, wait a minute.

You know we say grace every night.

No, we don't.

Yes, we do.

Now, shut up and bless the food.

If I didn't thank the Lord at the table,

my mother was going to send me to thank him in person.

Dear Lord, bless this food that we are thankful to receive.

Amen.

ALL: Amen.

What kind of food is this?

GREG: Vegetarian.

My stomach has a lot of trouble breaking down enzymes.

I didn't know you could buy vegetarian fatback.

JULIUS: It's not bad.

Hey, pass the big piece of vegetable.

Do we have to eat this?

If you want to eat here.

Hey, Drew,

thanks for giving me your bed.

But if you want me to sleep on the couch instead of you,

I understand.

Oh, no way. Now I have the TV to myself at night.

Julius, do you want me to make you an extra plate for work?

Oh, that'd be great, baby. Thank you.

Work? It's nighttime.

He works at night. And days.

My dad has two jobs.

Make that three. I just picked up a side job driving a cab.

A cab? When do you have time to drive a cab?

I'm just trying it for the weekend.

I'll see how it goes.

Wow. When do you sleep?

Hey, that's a good one.

Sleep.

Greg brought so much stuff,

I couldn't tell if he was staying over or taking over.

You're wearing Transformers pajamas?

Man, you're 15.

I like to pray as different characters.

That way, God doesn't get bored with me.

Tonight, I'm Optimus Prime,

leader of the Autobots.

: Now I lay me down to sleep,

pray the Lord my soul to keep. Amen.

He should pray for some self-esteem.

Good night, man.

I can't tell you how great it is being here.

No problem. Night.

The snoring actually wasn't that bad

compared to what followed.

* She's a maniac, maniac on the floor *

* And she's dancing like she's never danced before *

I was hoping a maniac would break in

and smother Greg with a pillow.

Greg was driving me up the wall,

and my dad was about to get taken for a ride.

Where to?

Las Vegas.

Seriously, man, where to?

Las Vegas, Nevada.

Man, you crazy-- get out of my cab.

Hey, no, seriously, brother,

I really need to get to Las Vegas.

Look, I cannot take you to Las Vegas!

Would you take me to Las Vegas for a thousand dollars?

For a thousand dollars, he'd take you to South Africa

during the height of apartheid.

Just let me call my wife.

To say good-bye.

(zany sound effects playing on TV)

Hey, you guys, your cereal is on the table.

Okay, here we go, Greg.

Egg white frittata,

honeydew melon and dry wheat toast.

Thanks. This looks delicious.

Why's he get all this?

'Cause our regular food would kill him.

Hello. Rochelle, it's me.

Listen, I won't be home for dinner tonight.

I have to take a passenger to Vegas.

Vegas?

Julius, are you crazy?

What about your regular job?

I have a few sick days I can use.

I'll be back by the end of the week.

Julius, you are not driving that cab to Vegas.

The guy's gonna pay me

a thousand dollars.

Get me Wayne Newton's autograph.

Bye.

While my father set off for Sin City,

I showed Greg aroundthe original sin city,Bed-Stuy.

I can't decide on a hairstyle.

I'm stuck between Verdine White and Dr. J.

I cannot cut your hair, Greg.

Why not?

First of all, your hair's not long enough to be Verdine White,

and it's not curly enough to be Dr. J.

I've never used these scissors on straight hair.

I don't know what will happen.

I'll start cutting your hair, man,

sparks start flying everywhere, your whole head catch on fire.

And I will not be sued by white people!

Listen here, I got the perfect shirt

for your haircut, huh?

Five dollars.

This has a hole in it.

That's not a hole. It's distressed.

Guys in Manhattan pay top dollar for this.

In fact, a distressed man got shot in that shirt.

Hey,

little dude from across the street.

Who this?

It's my friend Greg.

He's staying at my house for a few days.

Hey, little white dude staying across the street,

let me hold a dollar.

Nice shirt.

Risky got the shirt from Jerome.

Hey, I just got a nickname.

Hey, you just got robbed.

Cool!

That's what I'm talking about.

Hey, I hate to hold us up, but I am starving.

You hungry?

It's on me.

If you're paying, he's eating.

I could eat.

I'll go and get some food.

You keep the car running.

I should call Rochelle.

He should call the cops.

She did not just leave a mint on Greg's pillow!

Hey. Hey, man, what are you doing?

I thought I told you to wait in the car.

I'm calling my wife.

I haven't talked to her all day.

Do you want $1,000 or do you want to talk to your wife?

Nobody had to ask my father that question twice.

Let's go.

Today in Ohio, an armed fugitive makes another stop

on his cross-country wave of terror.

Will police catch him before he strikes again?

Find out at 11:00.

Hey, man, where you been?

Washing your dishes.

What are you doing?

Turning to MacGyver.

But I wanted to watch NOVA.

NOVA

It's a show on PBS about science as it relates to the universe.

Cool. That's almost like MacGyver.

Just like Lawrence Welk is like Soul Train.

Chris, Greg is your guest.

Let him watch NOVA.

Gelato?

Is that Italian for Jell

Thanks.

I thought having

Greg stay over would be fun.

Probably what the Indians thought

when they first saw Columbus.

ANNOUNCER: Next on NOVA...

DEEJAY: WEBW 1020 news time 5:00 a.m.

The search continues across America for the taxicab bandit.

The suspect...

Greg was an only child,

and he was afraid to sleep alone

so he dressed as superheroes to scare the boogeyman.

Greg, get up. Time to go.

What time is it?

5:00 a.m.

5:00 a.m.?

We don't have to be to school for another three hours.

Yeah, but if we don't hurry, we'll miss the first bus.

First

Three, plus a little bit of a walk.

Greg was going to have to walk a mile in my shoes.

How long of a walk?

About a mile.

GREG: * Keep smiling, keep shining

* Knowing you can always count on me *

Greg, hurry up! I need to get in!

* That's what friends are for... *

Chris, would you shut up?! Dang!

* Keep shining, knowing you can... *

Boy, what is your problem?

I need to go to the bathroom.

Well, you bang on that door again

and I'm gonna knock out whatever you're holding in!

Hey, good morning, Julius.

How'd you sleep?

Like a baby, Eddie.

Do you mind if I make a quick phone call?

Sure, sure, I don't mind.

You think you can have the car running

and ready to go in five minutes?

Sure thing.

All right, I'm just gonna collect

the deposit for the rooms back.

Okay. All right.

Not just his deposit, everybody's deposit.

Operator.

I'd like to make a collect call.

My father had a system

to beat the high price of calling collect.

Hello?

You have a collect call from... Daddy fine.

Nebraska cornfields. Chris garbage. Hang up.

Would you like to accept?

Collect call from your father?

Yeah. He's doing fine.

He's in Nebraska, and the cornfields are pretty,

and Chris should remember to take out the garbage.

Okay. Eventually, the phone company

started hanging up on my father.

Back at school, Greg was catching up

on more than his studies.

What year did the American Revolution begin?

Greg. Greg?!

1942.

Greg, what's wrong with you?

You're usually so alert.

It's because he's staying at my house for the week.

Oh, my God, he's drunk?!

Did he have a 40 for breakfast?

I'm not drunk.

I'm just not used to getting up so early.

Don't be ashamed-- Chris's people have a history

of being up when the rooster crows to go to work in the fields.

Who could expect you to keep up?

Go back to sleep.

She was Don Imus in a dress.

After school, Greg was doing his homework

while I was doing my work work.

Okay, now, Doc left some instructions for you, Chris.

Now, get all the merchandise out of all these boxes

and stock the shelves with them, okay?

Now, all the empty boxes need to be broken down and cut up into small pieces

and thrown into the Dumpster behind the Chinese place when Mr. Hoo isn't looking.

Now, when that's done, you can start your work.

Hey, uh, Greg, you need anything?

Soda

No, thanks.

How come you don't do your homework like that, Chris?

Because I'm too busy cutting up boxes.

Meanwhile, my father had turned into Al Cowlings,

and he didn't even know it.

Hey, you might want to slow down.

They love pulling people over on roads like these.

If you're black, they like to pull you over

coming out of your driveway.

I-I think we need to stop for gas soon.

Have you seen the price of gas lately?

It's highway robbery.

Highway robbery?

What's that supposed to mean?

I mean, gas is costing me a fortune.

: Oh. That's what you mean.

Here, I'll pay for the last fill-up.

A twenty?

Keep the change. Thanks, man.

If my father was allowed to see

the price of gas today, it would kill him.

Now, why are you in such a rush to get to Vegas anyway?

One reason.

Karen.

We were together... but I lost her.

Well, what happened?

It's a long story.

I made some mistakes,

and now I have to go back and tell Karen I love her

and get her back.

Well, I hope it all works out for you, Eddie.

Not to be nosy,

but you've got cash-- why don't you just fly to Vegas?

Oh, um, I'm, um...

I'm claustrophobic.

Not to mention truth-ophobic.

Oh, Chris, your dad wanted to remind you

to take the garbage out.

Already did. What's wrong, baby?

Well, Ma, it's just that...

No, not you, baby.

I was talking to Greg.

What's wrong?

I had to get up so early,

and it took so long to get to school,

I feel a little rundown.

Oh, well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Greg.

You want Chris to run you a hot bath?

A hot bath? She wouldn't let me use hot water

to make hot water.

I am not running him a bath.

Chris, be nice, okay?

Greg has had a long day.

Um, that's okay.

It's about time for bed.

Okay. Well, good night, boys.

What's wrong with you?

You had the same day as me-- and I had school and work--

so why are you so tired?

It's not like I do this every day.

Exactly. If you got treated like me,

you wouldn't last two seconds. Hey, man,

at least you have a little help around here.

Most of the time, I have to get by on my own.

Oh, yeah, with your own room, your own TV, your own allowance.

You know what, you're being really immature.

I'm being immature?

Man, you're the one going to bed dressed as Superman.

No. I'm going to bed dressed as Clark Kent.

What I'm trying to say is,

you've been here for the past four days,

and I'm getting tired of doing everything for you.

You know what? Nobody asked you to do anything for me.

I don't want you to do anything for me.

At least that way, I won't have to hear your mouth.

Cool.

Cool!

Good morning, baby.

Where's Greg? His frittata's ready.

Oh, upstairs.

Oh, well, I got to go, okay?

So make sure you clean off the table and lock up,

'cause I got to be in early, and tell Greg I said bye.

Okay.

Bye.

Since Greg didn't want me to do anything,

that's exactly what I did.

Why didn't you wake me up?

You told me you didn't want me to do anything for you, so I didn't.

That didn't mean I wanted you to let me sleep through school.

I missed the quarterly history test!

Well, maybe you should've gone to bed dressed as Superman.

That way you could've flown to school.

Good thing he doesn't have heat vision.

SINATRA: * She's got friends

* By the dozens... This is it.

Yeah, this is it.

And...

here's your thousand dollars.

Oh.

Julius, I really want to thank you

for getting me out of a jam.

A ten-to-20-year jam.

Boy... it's been so long since I've seen Karen.

I really hope I'm doing the right thing.

Well, do you love her?

Without a doubt.

Well, then you're doing the right thing.

You know,

I got a good feeling about you and Karen.

(sirens wailing, tires screech)

Hey! Wha...?

JULIUS: Hey, wh

Come out with your hands up!

Look, before you picked me up, I robbed a bank.

Robbed a bank?! Yeah,

and every other place we stopped since we left Jersey.

What are you doing, man?!

I'm sorry it had to come to this, Julius,

but I cannot go back to jail.

You'll never take me alive!

No, no, no, no, no! Take me alive!

Please, take me alive! Out of the cab!

Back home, Greg and I were having our own standoff...

minus the guns and the masculinity.

Okay, what's going on between you two?

Ask him.

Chris?

I didn't do a thing.

You didn't wake me up!

You didn't wake him up?

Man, that's wrong.

Who asked you? Excuse me,

I can handle this.

You didn't wake him up? That's wrong.

Well, nobody wakes me up.

Nobody puts chocolate on my pillow.

If I took a half-hour shower singing "That's What Friends Are For,"

and you had to pee, you would smack the crack

out of my behind. Okay, watch yourself, boy.

If you didn't want me to be here,

why'd you even invite me? If you don't

want to be here, why don't you just go?

Maybe I will. See ya.

Fine.

I want to call

my grandmother-- may I use your phone?

Sure, Greg.

Chris, what is wrong with you?

I live here, and you're treating him better than me.

Okay.

Baby, Greg is your guest, okay?

I been doing stuff for him for one week

because he's your friend.

I've been doing stuff for you for 15 years

because you're my son, okay?

Don't ever forget that.

She wasn't home.

Oh, yes, she was.

One, two, three, wah!

One, two, three, wah!

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, my father rolled the dice

trying to reason with a madman.

Eddie, you got to give up, man.

The cops are gonna start shooting. Oh, I got a plan for that.

I'm gonna use your body as a shield.

WOMAN : Eddie? Eddie, are you there, honey?

Karen?

I love you, Eddie!

Karen...

I love you, Eddie!

Karen, I love you, too, baby, I love you!

Eddie, please give up!

Please, do it for me, Eddie! MAN: She's right!

: Okay. All right.

I give up!

I give up! All right!

Get out of the cab! He's coming out!

I give up!

That's the first time a woman Karen!

ever made a man put a gun down.

Here you go, Officer.

I know you need to take this in as evidence.

Freeze! You're under arrest.

No, they need to take you in as evidence.

After a week of doing things for Greg,

the hardest thing was something I had to do for myself.

You asleep?

I'm not talking to you.

But if I were talking to you,

I'd tell you how angry I am because of what you did.

Look, I'm sorry.

But you know how tired you were last night?

That's how tired I am every night.

But I don't get to cry about it, I just got to deal with it.

You don't have it so hard.

How do you figure that?

So you live in Bed-Stuy,

it takes you three hours to get to school,

and you have an after-school job.

So what? I wish I had someone

to fight over the TV or bathroom with.

The last thing my mother cooked on the stove

got her a year of probation.

I don't do everything on my own because I want to.

I do it 'cause I have to.

Dang, I guess I never thought of it like that.

Sorry, man, I didn't mean to be such a pain. Aw, forget it.

I'll tell Ms. Morello what happened,

and maybe she'll let you take a make-up exam.

You think? Yeah.

I'll just tell her that you drank a 40 by accident.

By the time Greg left my house, he really felt at home.

Little white dude about to go home.

Let me hold a dollar. Sure.

See ya.

Hey, if you need pants to go with that shirt,

I can tighten you up. Sorry,

but I just got robbed.

Oh. Well, maybe next time.

Yeah.

See ya. Greg!

Hurry up before we get shot!

See you at school, man.

Take care, Greg. See ya, dude.

* We are family Why didn't you tell me they were Negroes?

It's okay, but I would've appreciated a little warning.

I always thought that Greg was lucky

because he had lots of toys, a nice allowance and freedom.

But Greg showed me that I had the most important thing

a person can have: a family.

Oh! Oh, ooh, ooh.

I need to draw you a bath. Yeah. Yeah.

After Greg was gone, I actually kind of missed him.

* We are family

How was your trip, baby?

That's a long story.

* Get up, everybody, and sing

So how was it having Greg over?

Cool. Can he stay over again sometime?

Are you nuts?

I never worked so hard in my entire life.

And I want my bed back. And she is not making me eat no more tofu.

Whoa, you gave your brother's bed to Greg?

And you sit up here washing dishes for the white man!

And that little TV show NOVA was boring!

I'm tired of being a vegetarian short-order cook!

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org