Original subtitles

Everybody Hates Chris #051 "Everybody Hates the Bachelor Pad" Closed captioned

CHRIS ROCK: When I was 15,

the only thing I wanted more than a girlfriend

was to have some privacy.

I didn't have a room to myself, somebody was always home,

and even when I was supposed to be alone...

somebody was there.

Sometimes I hate going home.

It's like I can never be alone. Me, too.

Every time I turn around, my grandma's right there.

She thinks "alone" is something you get at a bank.

Whenever I turn around, my whole family is right there.

What would you do if you had privacy?

* Been working all week for the money I got *

* Looking for a place to spend this nut... *

Nothing much, just do whatever I want, whenever I want.

I can't wait till I get my own place.

Well, my grandma has the flu,

and I have to make her some hot toddies.

Hot toddies are sick people's happy hour.

Who cares about the flu when you're drunk?

Mom, I'm home.

JULIUS: Uh, hello

What's going on?

Baby, we're all sick.

So I quarantined the rest of the house

so you're just going to have to stay over there.

But where am I supposed to eat and sleep

and go to the bathroom?

Well, baby, you can sleep on the couch.

And then you can eat free sloppers over at Doc's.

And I left you a bucket.

Great, what do I do when the bucket is full?

Rochelle, this is crazy.

First of all, you used $3.97 worth of plastic wrap.

Second, Chris can't live like this.

I called Mr. Omar.

He can stay upstairs with him.

Oh, no, he can't go up there

with all them loose women coming and going.

Yes, he can.

Mr. Omar promised he'd be on his best behavior.

Chris will be fine.

Julius, I don't know about this.

Look, either way, we ain't wasting this much plastic wrap.

So, you might as well send him up to Omar's.

You gotta go upstairs, baby.

All I knew about Mr. Omar

was that he liked dead men and live women.

So, I didn't know what to expect.

All right, now, Chris,

there's a few things you need to understand.

Phone rings, you take a message.

Don't go looking for nothing you ain't supposed to find.

And most importantly, I need my privacy.

So, you stay out of my way, and I stay out of yours.

Deal? Deal. Good.

I'll be back later, so you're on your own.

Now all I needed was six white girls and a monkey.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Dude, this is so awesome.

You got your own bachelor pad.

Yeah, it's great, besides the fact

that there's an old man that lives there.

Yeah, but he's not an old man that tells you what to do.

You're like Fonzie living upstairs on Happy Days.

: Ey...

You know, this will be the first time

I actually have some privacy.

Whenever I want privacy, my dad tells me to go in the backyard.

So, Chris, you got your own place?

Yeah, do you?

Oh, yeah, I got a flat in the city.

Where's your parents?

Is that your business?

Where's your place, Chris?

Upstairs at my parents' house.

Dude, that's not your own place. That's the attic.

Oh, and I have a quiz tomorrow on chapter seven.

Either I pass it, or it's your ass.

It's not my ass's fault you suck at math.

Oh, man, I just threw up buckets.

Ow!

Why are you faking a fever? Because I forgot

to study for my math quiz, and I don't want to get an "F."

If Mama finds out you aren't sick, she's going to kill you.

If I get an "F," Mama will kill me.

So why don't you mind your own business?

ROCHELLE: Drew.

I'm in here.

Boy, what are you doing out of bed?

I had to throw up.

: Go on back to bed.

I'll check on you in a few minutes.

Girl, you are burning up.

This is bad.

It was a big deal for Tonya to have the flu,

because she never got sick.

Not even when we got polio.

I'm calling the doctor.

For what?

We're all sick, Julius, remember?

And now Tonya has a fever.

We've all got fevers.

Besides, doctors cost money.

And so do funerals.

Look, all the doctor is going to say

is that we need to get some rest,

drink plenty of fluids, take some aspirin.

We don't need to pay for that.

I can't believe your daughter is in there burning up

and you are too cheap to call the doctor.

Call Chris, tell him to bring us some 'Tussin.

We'll be okay.

Staying at Mr. Omar's was kind of like sharing a bachelor pad.

With a dirty old bachelor.

Oh, hey, Chris.

Just getting in from a little afternoon delight?

Oh, no, I just had to drop off some 'Tussin downstairs.

You know, flu season to me

is like tax season for accountants.

That's when I do the most business.

But I'm sure your family will be fine.

Well, thanks.

So, what's for dinner?

I'm having mac and cheese. What are you having?

I guess I'll have mac and cheese, too.

You must be having it someplace else, 'cause I'm all out.

Well, what else you got?

Uh, whatever's in the fridge.

What?!

Man, do you know you have hair in here.

Oh, I know, that's my side business.

My dear clients no longer have a need for their tresses--

tragic-- so I sell it to wig shops.

I got a wide variety.

I got curly, wavy, nappy, and Indian.

Who wants nappy?

The only other thing you have in here

is some expired milk, some prune juice...

and what is this?

Oh, I do have some cheese.

Now all we need is the macaroni.

Back at home, Tonya was trying to fake not freezing to death.

Daddy, I'm cold.

That means it's working.

Here, keep this on your forehead.

Rochelle, what does the thermometer say?

Two below zero.

Julius, you're giving her the chills.

I can cure the chills.

My mother had a home remedy for the chills.

It's called a blanket.

I tried your mother's chill remedy, and it gave me a rash.

Did you brew it overnight and strain it

through an old tube sock?

No. Well, that's why.

If you let me I make it the right way,

then she'll feel as good as new.

What's that for?

So I can come back and get this food before it thaws out.

I'm going to make the remedy.

A little butter and onions

and Tonya would make a nice side dish.

Why don't you just tell them you're not really sick?

You know Dad's home remedies are nasty.

Not as nasty as Mama.

(TV playing quietly, toilet flushing)

Well, I'm going to bed.

So what time do you want me to turn off the lights?

Oh, I don't care.

You can stay up all night if you want.

And there's some videos over there you're welcome to watch.

I've got Night of the Living Dead,

Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead,

Dead Zone, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid,

Death in Venice, Death Wish,

Love and Death, Murder by Death,

and Ososhiki aka Death, Japanese Style.

Cool, thanks.

Turns out Mr. Omar only had one movie that wasn't about death.

Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

PRYOR: How are you?

Thank you. Ooh.

Thank you. Thank you much.

Good evening.

Wait for the people to get from the bathroom.

People in there ...

What's happening, blood?

Right on.

The white people, rushing back.

White people don't care...

Chris.

Chris.

Chris?! What?

What time are you going to be home from school?

Like, 5:00. Why?

Can you make it midnight?

No. I'm a kid, I can't stay out that late.

Hmm. Yeah, you got a point.

Well, in that case, I won't be home tonight.

Where are you going to be?

Minding my own business.

Are you going to be okay?

Even though I had never been on my own before,

it was my first chance to have some real privacy,

and I wasn't going to pass it up.

Yeah, I'll be fine. Good.

Don't forget to lock up after you leave.

Oh...

let's keep this between you and me, okay?

I wouldn't want your parents to find out

I left you here alone.

No problem.

Aren't you supposed to be at school or something?

Yeah, I don't have to leave till, like, 7:30.

What time is it?

8:45.

8:45 was a quarter past late as hell.

"Four score and seven years ago,

"our forefathers brought forth on this continent

"a new nation conceived in liberty

"and dedicated to the proposition

that all men are created equal..."

even if they're on CP time.

Good morning, Chris.

Good morning, Ms. Morello.

I'm sorry I'm late, but my whole family is sick.

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.

Is it sickle cell, rickets, or swine flu?

Is that like chitlin

Swine flu.

Your tardiness is excused,

but you should tell your family to lay off the bacon.

For a guy who's never had .a place to himself,

Greg had a lot of ideas about what I should do.

Do you know what this means?

You're in possession of the velvet trap.

Velvet trap? What does catch?

Don't you know who likes velvet?

Prince?

Him, too? But I was talking about girls.

Girls like velvet.

Velvet... What are you talking about?

Your apartment-- velvet.

You've got a place.

Now all you need to do is get a girl.

You're so in there.

I can't imagine what I'd do if I had a place to myself.

I could.

* All by myself

* Don't wanna be...

Guess I am in there.

You're so in there,

we'd have to send a search party to find you.

And I think I know exactly who I want to be in there with.

Who?

Tasha.

Who needs a test tube to make medicine

when you've got a tube sock.

Okay, Doctor, thank you.

I'll mail you a check.

So what did he say?

You were right, okay.

Now, is this remedy of yours going to work?

Oh, it'll work.

It's been passed down for generations.

My mother got it from my grandmother

who got it from her great grandmother

who got it from a Puerto Rican lady.

My father's home remedies were legendary.

If you had a headache...

Baking soda and a pomegranate.

If you were nauseous...

Catfish and grape jelly.

If you were blind...

A tin cup and a white cane.

Hey, he couldn't cure everything.

Oh, good Lord!

Man, what's in this stuff

Don't be silly. It's strawberry turpentine.

Ah, that's working.

Tonya went from healthy kid to guinea pig.

Eww, it stinks!

Smells like feet.

Be quiet, boy.

I know it smells bad,

but if you drink it, you'll feel better.

Why don't you drink it?

But, baby, we only had enough ingredients

for your daddy to make one dose,

and since you're the sickest, it's yours.

And you are still sick, aren't you?

Yeah, you'll feel better in no time.

Especially since there was nothing wrong with her

in the first place.

Since my velvet trap was set,

all I needed to do was dangle the bait.

Hey, Chris, what's wrong?

My whole family's got the flu.

That's too bad.

Are you okay?

Yeah, 'cause I'm staying at Mr. Omar's.

For real?

Yeah, he's staying over at a friend's,

so I have the whole place to myself.

I wish I could get away from my grandma.

Do you like Richard Pryor?

I love Richard Pryor.

But I'm not allowed to watch him.

That's too bad because Mr. Omar...

he has one of his concert tapes.

He does?

I was going to ask if can come watch it with me,

but I don't want to get you in trouble.

I can come.

You can?

I learned early on that the best way

to get a girl into trouble

is to tell her you don't want to get her into trouble.

Yeah, I'll meet you around 8:00. Okay.

I had a place, I had a girl,

I had a smile so wide that you could see it from behind.

Mm-hmm.

Which tape is it?

Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

Richard Pryor, huh?

That's a good one!

Hey, little dude, let me hold that tape.

I would, but I'm watching it again tonight.

Man, I brought home a Richard Pryor album,

my mother wouldn't even let me in the house.

What you know about Richard Pryor, youngblood?

I know he's funnier than you.

Whoa! Ooh!

Let me tell you something, youngblood.

You ain't too young to meet the executioner.

You sure you wanna do that?

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey!

The only thing we cut here is hair. All right?

Show him what I taught you.

Show him. Show him!

Anyway, I'm not even staying in my house.

I'm staying at Mr. Omar's.

Mr. Omar? What you doing up there?

My whole family's sick; they got the flu.

Sick? They in the hospital?

No. Damn!

He was gonna rob my house.

You said they had the flu, right?

Now, I got the cure for the flu right here.

You should've asked me earlier.

Here you go; check that out right there.

Does it work?

Oh, it worked for me.

Me too.

It even stopped my hallucinations for a... while.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Charlie, where you going?

Come back, man. I need to borrow five dollars.

You see that, man?

Look, you tell them to take one teaspoon

one teaspoon,

'cause it'll knock you out for five hours.

But it works.

Five hours? Let me hold that bottle.

Are you sick?

N-No. I didn't think so.

Here you go, Chris, man.

Remember what I said now.

One teaspoon.

You're all done.

Uh! Next!

He gave the same elixir

to people who need to take paint off of cars.

Hey, man, I was next.

Hey, you want a cut or get cut.

Huh?

Hey, man, it's your life.

Now, are you sure this is going to work?

Worked for everybody on the block.

How many teaspoons do we need to take?

One or two?

Six.

Six?!

Yeah, six.

I knew that was too much

and I risked putting my family in a coma,

but I wasn't risking my mother catching me with a girl.

Freeze!

'Cause I ain't raising no babies!

Kool-Aid's gone Rambo.

Are you eating and sleeping and going to school on time?

Yeah, Ma, I'm fine.

And how is Mr. Omar treating you?

You guys getting along okay?

Yeah, it's like he's not even there.

Good.

Well, I hope this stuff works.

Me too.

I had a girl fixed up and I got my hair fixed up.

Now I needed to get Mr. Omar's apartment fixed up.

*

*

Hi. Hi.

Thanks for inviting me.

This should be fun.

Being alone with Tasha was like a dream come true.

I'd jump for joy if I wasn't paralyzed with fear.

Aren't you going to come sit down?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Just wanted to make sure you got a good spot.

So, what are you waiting for?

Put it in.

Huh? What?!

The tape, Chris-- put in the Richard Pryor tape.

Oh, yeah.

Who's that?

I don't know.

I had worked to make this the perfect night,

nothing could ruin it...

ALL: Hey!

...except this.

We're here, youngblood. We're here.

Hey, man, why don't you check and see

if they got something to drink in the refrigerator?

Hey, put the tape on, little dude.

Hey, get of here, big dude.

Thanks.

Hello. I'd like to make a collect call to Kansas City.

I had a place to myself and the girl of my dreams.

But two things messed it up: me and my big mouth.

You weren't going to sit here, were you?

Nah, man. It's okay.

Remember when you told me not to run?

Man, thanks for inviting us over, Chris.

I didn't invite you over.

Hey, man, you aren't trying to talk to Tasha, are you?

Yeah, kind of.

Well, if that's the case, man,

why don't you just give me the say-so.

I'll clear these people out of here in seconds.

See, I carry a container of napalm,

just for such emergencies.

I was tempted to take him up on it.

I wasn't really running...

Hey, hey!

Hey, can y'all kind of keep it down,

'cause everyone downstairs is trying to sleep.

Not everybody.

What are you doing up here?

What are you doing up here?

I thought you were sick.

Didn't you take the medicine?

I spit it out. Where's Mr. Omar?

He had to leave.

He left you here alone?

Yeah. And you didn't tell Momma?

No.

There you are. Bye, Chris.

You're leaving? Yeah.

Wait.

I can't. I have to get home before my grandmother wakes up.

But I had a lot of fun, though. Thanks.

* Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you? *

The girl of my dreams was walking away,

but the girl of my nightmares wasn't going anywhere.

I know, I know--

Ooh, you're telling.

Get in there.

Now. Go.

I don't like... Shut up.

Even in a coma, my mother could sense trouble.

I started out wanting to get a little privacy

and ended up with a disaster.

And at that moment, I wished for anything

to get me out of that mess...

What is going on in here?!

...except this.

You better start looking,

'cause obviously you lost your mind.

Upstairs party while we're down here...

After my mother got through with me...

Tonya...

and Mr. Omar...

I realized that having privacy and being independent

isn't all it's cracked up .to be.

But at least she didn't find out about Tasha.

Chris!!!

What is this I hear about you having some girl upstairs?

* Everybody Hates Chris...

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org