All language subtitles for Everybody.Hates.Chris.S03E05.Everybody.Hates.the.Bachelor.Pad.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.x264-alfaHD_track3_[eng]

Everybody Hates Chris #051
"Everybody Hates
the Bachelor Pad"
Closed captioned

CHRIS ROCK:
When I was 15,

the only thing I wanted
more than a girlfriend

was to have some privacy.

I didn't have a room to
myself, somebody was always
home,

and even when I was supposed
to be alone...

somebody was there.

Sometimes I hate going home.

It's like I can never
be alone.
Me, too.

Every time I turn around,
my grandma's right there.

She thinks "alone" is
something you get at a bank.

Whenever I turn around,
my whole family is right there.

What would you do
if you had privacy?

* Been working all week
for the money I got *

* Looking for a place
to spend this nut... *

Nothing much, just do whatever
I want, whenever I want.

I can't wait till I get
my own place.

Well, my grandma
has the flu,

and I have to make her
some hot toddies.

Hot toddies
are sick people's happy hour.

Who cares about the flu
when you're drunk?

Mom, I'm home.

JULIUS:
Uh, hello

What's going on?

Baby, we're all sick.

So I quarantined the
rest of the house

so you're just going to
have to stay over there.

But where am I supposed
to eat and sleep

and go to the bathroom?

Well, baby, you can
sleep on the couch.

And then you can eat free
sloppers over at Doc's.

And I left you a bucket.

Great, what do I do
when the bucket is full?

Rochelle, this is crazy.

First of all, you used
$3.97 worth of plastic wrap.

Second,
Chris can't live like this.

I called Mr. Omar.

He can stay upstairs
with him.

Oh, no, he can't go up there

with all them loose women
coming and going.

Yes, he can.

Mr. Omar promised
he'd be on his best behavior.

Chris will be fine.

Julius, I don't know about this.

Look, either way, we ain't
wasting this much plastic wrap.

So, you might as well
send him up to Omar's.

You gotta go
upstairs, baby.

All I knew about Mr. Omar

was that he liked dead men
and live women.

So, I didn't know
what to expect.

All right, now, Chris,

there's a few things
you need to understand.

Phone rings, you take a message.

Don't go looking for nothing
you ain't supposed to find.

And most importantly,
I need my privacy.

So, you stay out of my way,
and I stay out of yours.

Deal?
Deal.
Good.

I'll be back later,
so you're on your own.

Now all I needed was
six white girls and a monkey.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Dude, this is so awesome.

You got your own
bachelor pad.

Yeah, it's great,
besides the fact

that there's an old man
that lives there.

Yeah, but he's not an old man
that tells you what to do.

You're like Fonzie living
upstairs on Happy Days.

:
Ey...

You know, this will be
the first time

I actually have some privacy.

Whenever I want privacy, my dad
tells me to go in the backyard.

So, Chris,
you got your own place?

Yeah, do you?

Oh, yeah,
I got a flat in the city.

Where's your parents?

Is that your business?

Where's your place, Chris?

Upstairs at my parents' house.

Dude, that's not your own place.
That's the attic.

Oh, and I have a quiz tomorrow
on chapter seven.

Either I pass it,
or it's your ass.

It's not my ass's fault
you suck at math.

Oh, man, I just
threw up buckets.

Ow!

Why are you faking a fever?
Because I forgot

to study for my math quiz,
and I don't want to get an "F."

If Mama finds out you aren't
sick, she's going to kill you.

If I get an "F,"
Mama will kill me.

So why don't you mind
your own business?

ROCHELLE:
Drew.

I'm in here.

Boy, what are you
doing out of bed?

I had to throw up.

:
Go on back to bed.

I'll check on you
in a few minutes.

Girl, you are burning up.

This is bad.

It was a big deal
for Tonya to have the flu,

because she never got sick.

Not even when we got polio.

I'm calling the doctor.

For what?

We're all sick, Julius,
remember?

And now Tonya has a fever.

We've all got fevers.

Besides, doctors
cost money.

And so do funerals.

Look, all the doctor
is going to say

is that we need
to get some rest,

drink plenty of fluids,
take some aspirin.

We don't need
to pay for that.

I can't believe your daughter
is in there burning up

and you are too cheap
to call the doctor.

Call Chris, tell him to
bring us some 'Tussin.

We'll be okay.

Staying at Mr. Omar's was kind
of like sharing a bachelor pad.

With a dirty old bachelor.

Oh, hey, Chris.

Just getting in
from a little afternoon delight?

Oh, no, I just had to drop off
some 'Tussin downstairs.

You know,
flu season to me

is like tax season
for accountants.

That's when I do
the most business.

But I'm sure your
family will be fine.

Well, thanks.

So, what's for dinner?

I'm having mac and cheese.
What are you having?

I guess I'll have
mac and cheese, too.

You must be having it someplace
else, 'cause I'm all out.

Well, what else you got?

Uh, whatever's
in the fridge.

What?!

Man, do you know
you have hair in here.

Oh, I know, that's
my side business.

My dear clients no longer have
a need for their tresses--

tragic-- so I sell it
to wig shops.

I got a wide variety.

I got curly, wavy,
nappy, and Indian.

Who wants nappy?

The only other thing
you have in here

is some expired milk,
some prune juice...

and what is this?

Oh, I do have some cheese.

Now all we need is the macaroni.

Back at home, Tonya was trying
to fake not freezing to death.

Daddy, I'm cold.

That means
it's working.

Here, keep this
on your forehead.

Rochelle, what does
the thermometer say?

Two below zero.

Julius, you're giving her
the chills.

I can cure the chills.

My mother had a home remedy
for the chills.

It's called a blanket.

I tried your mother's chill
remedy, and it gave me a rash.

Did you brew it overnight
and strain it

through an old tube sock?

No.
Well, that's why.

If you let me I make it
the right way,

then she'll feel
as good as new.

What's that for?

So I can come back and get this
food before it thaws out.

I'm going
to make the remedy.

A little butter and onions

and Tonya would make
a nice side dish.

Why don't you just tell them
you're not really sick?

You know Dad's home remedies
are nasty.

Not as nasty as Mama.

(TV playing quietly,
toilet flushing)

Well, I'm going to bed.

So what time do you want me
to turn off the lights?

Oh, I don't care.

You can stay up all night
if you want.

And there's some videos over
there you're welcome to watch.

I've got
Night of the Living Dead,

Dawn of the Dead,
Day of the Dead,

Dead Zone,
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid,

Death in Venice, Death Wish,

Love and Death,
Murder by Death,

and Ososhiki aka Death,
Japanese Style.

Cool, thanks.

Turns out Mr. Omar only had one
movie that wasn't about death.

Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

PRYOR:
How are you?

Thank you. Ooh.

Thank you. Thank you much.

Good evening.

Wait for the people
to get from the bathroom.

People in there ...

What's happening, blood?

Right on.

The white people, rushing back.

White people don't care...

Chris.

Chris.

Chris?!
What?

What time are you going
to be home from school?

Like, 5:00. Why?

Can you make it midnight?

No. I'm a kid,
I can't stay out that late.

Hmm. Yeah,
you got a point.

Well, in that case,
I won't be home tonight.

Where are you
going to be?

Minding my own business.

Are you going
to be okay?

Even though I had never
been on my own before,

it was my first chance
to have some real privacy,

and I wasn't going
to pass it up.

Yeah, I'll be fine.
Good.

Don't forget to lock up
after you leave.

Oh...

let's keep this
between you and me, okay?

I wouldn't want your parents
to find out

I left you here alone.

No problem.

Aren't you supposed to be
at school or something?

Yeah, I don't have to leave
till, like, 7:30.

What time is it?

8:45.

8:45 was a quarter past
late as hell.

"Four score and seven years ago,

"our forefathers brought forth
on this continent

"a new nation
conceived in liberty

"and dedicated
to the proposition

that all men
are created equal..."

even if they're on CP time.

Good morning, Chris.

Good morning, Ms. Morello.

I'm sorry I'm late,
but my whole family is sick.

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.

Is it sickle cell, rickets,
or swine flu?

Is that like chitlin

Swine flu.

Your tardiness is excused,

but you should tell your family
to lay off the bacon.

For a guy who's never had
.a place to himself,

Greg had a lot of ideas
about what I should do.

Do you know
what this means?

You're in possession
of the velvet trap.

Velvet trap?
What does catch?

Don't you know
who likes velvet?

Prince?

Him, too? But I was
talking about girls.

Girls like velvet.

Velvet...
What are you talking about?

Your apartment-- velvet.

You've got a place.

Now all you need
to do is get a girl.

You're so in there.

I can't imagine what I'd do
if I had a place to myself.

I could.

* All by myself

* Don't wanna be...

Guess I am in there.

You're so in there,

we'd have to send
a search party
to find you.

And I think I know exactly
who I want to be in there with.

Who?

Tasha.

Who needs a test tube
to make medicine

when you've got a tube sock.

Okay, Doctor,
thank you.

I'll mail you a check.

So what did he say?

You were right, okay.

Now, is this remedy of yours
going to work?

Oh, it'll work.

It's been passed down
for generations.

My mother got it
from my grandmother

who got it from her
great grandmother

who got it
from a Puerto Rican lady.

My father's home remedies were
legendary.

If you had a headache...

Baking soda and a pomegranate.

If you were nauseous...

Catfish and grape jelly.

If you were blind...

A tin cup and a white cane.

Hey, he couldn't cure
everything.

Oh, good Lord!

Man, what's in this
stuff

Don't be silly.
It's strawberry turpentine.

Ah, that's working.

Tonya went from healthy kid
to guinea pig.

Eww, it stinks!

Smells like feet.

Be quiet, boy.

I know it smells bad,

but if you drink it,
you'll feel better.

Why don't you drink it?

But, baby, we only had
enough ingredients

for your daddy
to make one dose,

and since you're
the sickest, it's yours.

And you are still sick,
aren't you?

Yeah, you'll feel
better in no time.

Especially since there was
nothing wrong with her

in the first place.

Since my velvet trap was set,

all I needed to do was dangle
the bait.

Hey, Chris, what's wrong?

My whole family's got
the flu.

That's too bad.

Are you okay?

Yeah, 'cause I'm staying
at Mr. Omar's.

For real?

Yeah, he's staying over
at a friend's,

so I have the whole place
to myself.

I wish I could get away
from my grandma.

Do you like Richard Pryor?

I love Richard Pryor.

But I'm not allowed
to watch him.

That's too bad
because Mr. Omar...

he has one of his concert tapes.

He does?

I was going to ask if can come
watch it with me,

but I don't want to get you
in trouble.

I can come.

You can?

I learned early on
that the best way

to get a girl into trouble

is to tell her you don't want
to get her into trouble.

Yeah, I'll meet you
around 8:00.
Okay.

I had a place, I had a girl,

I had a smile so wide that you
could see it from behind.

Mm-hmm.

Which tape is it?

Richard Pryor: Live in Concert.

Richard Pryor, huh?

That's a good one!

Hey, little dude,
let me hold that tape.

I would, but I'm watching it
again tonight.

Man, I brought home
a Richard Pryor album,

my mother wouldn't even let me
in the house.

What you know
about Richard Pryor, youngblood?

I know he's funnier than you.

Whoa!
Ooh!

Let me tell you something,
youngblood.

You ain't too young to meet
the executioner.

You sure you wanna do that?

Whoa!
Hey, hey, hey!

The only thing
we cut here is hair. All right?

Show him
what I taught you.

Show him. Show him!

Anyway, I'm not even
staying in my house.

I'm staying at Mr. Omar's.

Mr. Omar?
What you doing up there?

My whole family's sick;
they got the flu.

Sick? They in
the hospital?

No.
Damn!

He was gonna rob my house.

You said they had
the flu, right?

Now, I got the cure
for the flu right here.

You should've asked me earlier.

Here you go;
check that out right there.

Does it work?

Oh, it worked for me.

Me too.

It even stopped my
hallucinations for a... while.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Charlie, where you going?

Come back, man.
I need to borrow
five dollars.

You see that, man?

Look, you tell them
to take one teaspoon

one teaspoon,

'cause it'll knock you out
for five hours.

But it works.

Five hours?
Let me hold that bottle.

Are you sick?

N-No.
I didn't think so.

Here you go, Chris, man.

Remember what I said now.

One teaspoon.

You're all done.

Uh! Next!

He gave the same elixir

to people who need to take
paint off of cars.

Hey, man, I was next.

Hey, you want a cut
or get cut.

Huh?

Hey, man, it's your life.

Now, are you sure this is
going to work?

Worked for everybody
on the block.

How many teaspoons do we need
to take?

One or two?

Six.

Six?!

Yeah, six.

I knew that was too much

and I risked putting my family
in a coma,

but I wasn't risking my mother
catching me with a girl.

Freeze!

'Cause I ain't raising
no babies!

Kool-Aid's gone Rambo.

Are you eating and sleeping
and going to school on time?

Yeah, Ma, I'm fine.

And how is
Mr. Omar treating you?

You guys getting along okay?

Yeah, it's like
he's not even there.

Good.

Well, I hope this stuff works.

Me too.

I had a girl fixed up
and I got my hair fixed up.

Now I needed to get Mr. Omar's
apartment fixed up.

*

*

Hi.
Hi.

Thanks for inviting me.

This should be fun.

Being alone with Tasha was
like a dream come true.

I'd jump for joy if I wasn't
paralyzed with fear.

Aren't you going
to come sit down?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Just wanted to make sure
you got a good spot.

So, what are
you waiting for?

Put it in.

Huh?
What?!

The tape, Chris--
put in the Richard Pryor tape.

Oh, yeah.

Who's that?

I don't know.

I had worked to make this
the perfect night,

nothing could ruin it...

ALL:
Hey!

...except this.

We're here, youngblood.
We're here.

Hey, man, why don't you
check and see

if they got something to drink
in the refrigerator?

Hey, put the tape on,
little dude.

Hey, get of here, big dude.

Thanks.

Hello. I'd like to make
a collect call to Kansas City.

I had a place to myself
and the girl of my dreams.

But two things messed it up:
me and my big mouth.

You weren't going to sit here,
were you?

Nah, man. It's okay.

Remember when you told me
not to run?

Man, thanks
for inviting us
over, Chris.

I didn't invite you over.

Hey, man, you aren't trying
to talk to Tasha, are you?

Yeah, kind of.

Well, if that's
the case, man,

why don't you just
give me the say-so.

I'll clear these people
out of here in seconds.

See, I carry a container
of napalm,

just for such emergencies.

I was tempted
to take him up on it.

I wasn't really running...

Hey, hey!

Hey, can y'all
kind of keep it down,

'cause everyone downstairs is
trying to sleep.

Not everybody.

What are you doing up here?

What are you doing up here?

I thought
you were sick.

Didn't you take
the medicine?

I spit it out.
Where's Mr. Omar?

He had to leave.

He left you here alone?

Yeah.
And you didn't
tell Momma?

No.

There you are.
Bye, Chris.

You're leaving?
Yeah.

Wait.

I can't. I have to get home
before my grandmother wakes up.

But I had a lot of fun, though.
Thanks.

* Tell me, how am I supposed
to live without you? *

The girl of my dreams was
walking away,

but the girl of my nightmares
wasn't going anywhere.

I know, I know--

Ooh, you're telling.

Get in there.

Now. Go.

I don't like...
Shut up.

Even in a coma,
my mother could sense trouble.

I started out wanting
to get a little privacy

and ended up with a disaster.

And at that moment,
I wished for anything

to get me out of that mess...

What is going on in here?!

...except this.

You better start looking,

'cause obviously
you lost your mind.

Upstairs party
while we're down here...

After my mother got through
with me...

Tonya...

and Mr. Omar...

I realized that having privacy
and being independent

isn't all it's cracked up
.to be.

But at least she didn't
find out about Tasha.

Chris!!!

What is this I hear about you
having some girl upstairs?

* Everybody Hates Chris...

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org