Original subtitles

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #047 CLOSED CAPTIONED

("Freeway of Love" by Aretha Franklin playing)

CHRIS ROCK: From the time I was young,

the thing I dreamt most about was cars.

Even though I couldn't drive,

I always imagined what kind of car I would get if I could.

Drew and I used to pretend every car

that came down the street was ours.

My red.

Oh, that's my green.

Mine.

* Freeway of love...

Nah, you can have that one.

When I got older, I was always asking my dad to let me drive.

Hey, Dad, can I drive?

And he always said the same thing.

Drive?

Sure, you can drive... as soon as you turn 16,

go to driver's ed., get a driver's license,

graduate from high school,

get a job, get out of my house, get a car, get insurance.

Yeah, then you can drive anytime you want.

He could have just said no.

* In my pink Cadillac...

Hey, Dad.

It's street cleaning today.

I hate having to move this car all the time.

Even though he always said no, I had to ask.

Can I do it?

No, you don't know how to drive, Chris.

Yeah, I do. You know how to drive?

Yeah. Okay, let's see.

Having a steering wheel in my hand

was one of the most amazing feelings I had ever had,

right behind my first kiss, which hadn't happened yet.

Okay, now put the car in "R."

I got it.

Okay.

* We're going riding on the freeway of love *

* Wind against my back

* We're going riding on the freeway of love *

* In my pink Cadillac

Wow, you really can drive.

I learned from watching you.

* Freeway of love... It was just a few feet,

but they were the most exciting feet I had ever experienced.

: Wait, wait... h-help.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK: Moving my dad's car on street cleaning day was great.

Sometimes they even cleaned the street.

Only one thing would have made it better.

Chris, I'm tired.

Can you move the car across the street

before you go to school?

Yeah.

You think you can do it without me?

Really?

If you can't feel you're ready...

No, n-no, n-no, I got it.

Good, and make sure you put on your seat belt.

I will.

And don't touch my mirrors. I won't.

Don't move my seat. Okay.

Warm up the engine. Right.

And don't go burning up gas.

I'm just moving the car across the street.

That's three cents worth of gas.

By the time this checklist was over,

I had had a license, a diploma,

and had made my third appearance

on Showtime At The Apollo.

Hurry up or you'll be late for school.

My father's trust made me feel like a man... and so did this.

Hey, Chris. You driving now?

Yeah, so if you ever need a ride someplace,

just let me know.

Especially if that someplace is across the street.

Well, maybe we could take a ride after school.

Maybe.

Look, I got to go, I don't want to hit traffic.

At that moment, I had a decision to make:

drive across the street and look like a fool

or drive around the corner and feel real cool.

If Greg were here, he'd say I was in there.

Okay.

Here you go, Julius, here's your breakfast.

Julius, wake up.

What are you still doing here?

: I got to go to court.

I got a speeding ticket.

My mother had her own style of driving called

The Fast and The Furious: Bed-Stuy Drift.

Move out the way.

Car doesn't move the way it used to.

Whoo!

I told you about speeding.

Now you have to spend a whole day off from work

just to pay a ticket.

I'm not paying the ticket because I wasn't speeding.

Cop gives me a ticket for doing 32

in a 25.

Who does 32 in a 25?

If I'm gonna speed, I'm gonna do 30 miles over the limit,

not seven.

Drew, Tonya, come on, let's go.

How come y'all ain't at school?

School is closed for teachers' records' day.

Yeah, and Mama's making us go with her

so we don't disturb you while you sleep.

See you.

My mother always thought the worst would happen

if my father didn't get enough sleep.

While my mother got ready to challenge the law,

I was still breaking it.

Hey, little dude from across the street!

Check you out, man.

I didn't know you knew how to drive.

I'm just moving my dad's car for street cleaning.

Well, you look a little stiff in there, little dude.

See, man, you got to cop a lean,

pop your collar up a little bit.

I'll show you.

Another thing I learned about cars

is that it's not always what you drive,

it's how you drive it.

* Yo, yo...

Pop this up some like this.

Now go ahead and lean.

* I'm big and bad...

Man, come-- lean, man.

Man, get low.

Yeah.

I can't see nothing.

But you look good, though.

I got to get to school.

Man, come on, let's go.

You can't see me, but take my word for it: I look cool.

While I was on the road,

my mother was getting the runaround. Just be quiet.

Boy, don't get on my last nerve today.

Uh, excuse me, miss,

could you tell me when my case is up?

Let's see.

You're case number 89

and as soon as this one ends,

we're moving on to case number... two.

Number two?!

What are you talking about?!

Excuse me, uh, ma'am.

Could you maintain decorum and observe complete silence

while this court is in session?

Thank you.

WOMAN: That way. What's he talking about?

Come on.

Meanwhile, Jerome had me driving like he was Miss Daisy.

Just a little bit further, man.

I need to get the car parked so I can go to school.

Where do you need to go? Right here, right here, little dude.

This is my stop.

Thanks, little dude.

Ah, man.

What's wrong with you?

I'm gonna be late for school

'cause I missed my bus and I still haven't parked the car.

Look, man, just relax, all right, little dude.

It's a spot right over there.

I can't park there.

I'm 50 blocks from my house.

You got the car.

Why don't you drive to school?

Because it'll be the last ride I ever take.

Because I'm not supposed to be driving.

I'm supposed to be parking.

Plus, I don't even have my license.

Well, I'm just saying

if you doing something you ain't supposed to be doing,

you might as well do something you supposed to do.

Sounds crazy, makes sense.

I guess.

Hey, you think you could stop by and pick me up

on your way home from school?

No!

All right.

Let me hold a dollar; I need bus fare.

What about my gas money to bring you here?

Thanks, little dude.

Remember what I showed you.

I was supposed to park across the street,

but now I was on the highway to Hell.

Even though I was scared out of my wits,

there was something about driving

that made me feel like the coolest kid in the world.

* Yeah, oh.

And the only thing cooler than driving to school

was pulling up in front of it.

Whoa, Chris, is that you?

I always suspected you were held back a couple of years,

but I didn't know you could drive.

When'd you get your license?

I don't have my license.

What are you doing driving

and where'd you get a car?

It's my dad's car.

What are you doing with it?

Moving it to the other side of the street.

Or the other side of the borough.

Cool.

This is totally off the hook.

Greg was actually the first one

to use that phrase and eventually went on

to teach Snoop "shizzle" talk.

Well, aren't you afraid your dad might find out?

He's a pretty hard sleeper.

As long as I'm back by 5:00, I think I should be okay.

The truth was my father could sleep through anything.

* Fire...

There we go.

Hey, wake up, man!

Wake up, the whole place is on fire!

We got to get out of here now!

Wake up!

Hey, fellas, get out!

The place is burning down!

Get out!

When the other kids see this,

we are going to be so in there.

Greg, you can't tell anyone about this.

If a teacher finds out and calls my dad, I'm dead,

so you can't say anything to anyone.

Your secret's safe with me.

No, it's not.

Oh, hey, Chris,

I heard you got your father's deuce and a quarter.

Cool.

Hey, Malcolm Racer X, I heard you got your father's hooptie.

Cool.

Hey, Chris, I heard you've got a father.

Cool.

Greg, I thought I told you not to tell anybody about the car.

Now the whole school knows.

I'm sorry, man.

You've got a car and I know you.

That's the closest thing I've ever gotten to being cool.

You know Jennifer Thompson?

Yeah, so?

Well, every time I'm around her, I get tongue-tied,

and I finally had something worth saying to her.

That I had my father's car?

And that I'm riding shotgun.

If I had had a shotgun, Greg would be riding in the trunk.

Case number seven.

Ma, I'm hungry.

Me, too.

Oh, I knew y'all would say that.

I got a snack.

Here, we'll just open these chips and,

and we gonna eat some chip... Ma'am, you have been warned,

already, for making too much noise.

I'm sorry, Judge.

I got hungry kids over here.

We're just having a little snack, that's all.

Well, why don't you try and have it quietly?

: I'll chew quiet.

Ma, I'm thirsty.

Yeah, so am I.

Mm, Drew, go look for a vending machine

and bring us back a soda. Okay.

JUDGE: Guilty.

20 days, $200 fine.

For a parking ticket?

$350!

Ooh. My mother found out

that judge was a hard case.

So your left taillight was out?

Ah...

10 years.

ROCHELLE: 10 years?! Move it.

Did you hear that? Move it, paisan.

Unless you had soft curves.

Guilty.

Six months house arrest.

What?!

: At my house.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, get that number.

She better hope his wife ain't home.

Girl, they got you for speeding, too?

You don't look like nothing on you goes fast.

I told you this was gonna be big.

Hey, Chris.

Can we sit in your car?

Yeah, why not.

Because they're underage.

Oh, wait... so was I.

Ooh, can we turn on the radio?

Yeah, Chris, turn on the radio.

I had broken every rule my father had given me.

But since I had the car,

there was no reason not to take advantage of it.

Especially since all I had to do was let it sit there.

Hey, Chris,

can you take us for a ride?

While I was finding out

what cars do for guys,

my mother was finding out what guys do for girls.

Your Honor, I clocked her doing 62

in a 55.

It also says here that you crashed

into the side of a building,

destroyed four parked cars, drove through a pond...

and parked by a fire hydrant?

I throw myself onto the mercy of the court.

I deserve to be punished.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You know, I don't really think you intended

to go 62 in a 55.

The judge is trying to go 47 in a 22.

JUDGE: I tell you what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna let you off with just a warning, okay?

And I hope

that you've learned your lesson.

Go on. Llámame.

Disgusting.

Yeah, I know I learned my lesson.

Next time I'm gonna come in a tighter dress

and a low cut top.

Who said that?

Bailiff,

get granny up out of here.

Come on, granny, get your butt up out of here. Sorry.

No, you got to go. Shh.

Shh.

Momma, what's taking Drew so long?

I don't know.

Let me go find him. You stay here.

If they call 89, tell 'em to wait.

Open the door.

While my mother was creeping out of court,

back on the street, I was rollin'.

* The wall cave in, the bass makes... *

It's a shame the white kids have more rhythm than me.

* ...my ride, yes the front and back *

* You would think it was a party, not a Cadillac *

* Cos I drive up to the ave with the windows closed *

* And my bass is so loud it could rip your clothes *

* My stereo's thumpin' like a savage beast *

* The level on my power meter will not decrease... *

What's wrong?

Everything.

I'm just glad we're in Brooklyn and not Alabama.

I learned all kinds of things about driving a car

but not a single thing about fixing 'em.

Maybe it's just out of gas.

It's not out of gas.

Maybe the battery's dead.

Great, then we could have a double funeral.

I think I know somebody

who might be able to help us.

The janitor?

The janitor was the one person at Corleone

that everybody knew.

But nobody knew anything about.

I heard he did a kid a favor once... for five bucks.

What type of favor?

Next time, kid, study for your test.

Hey.

Hey.

I know you.

You're that black kid.

Chris.

Yeah.

So, can you do me a favor?

Well, that depends.

Got five bucks?

With Drew running loose in a building full of courtrooms,

my mother was imagining the worst.

I find the Defendant guilty of being a black teenager

in a court of law.

I didn't do it, Mom.

Hey, Mom.

Drew, where have you been?

I just made ten dollars.

Some guy just paid me to pee in a cup.

Boy, give me that money!

Don't you know that's against the law.

Not technically.

And you were supposed to be

getting soda-- where's the soda?

I had to drink them so I could pee.

You have to spend money to make money.

Try now, Chris.

All right, you fixed it.

No problem.

That'll be five bucks.

I already gave you five.

That was for the favor.

This is to keep my mouth shut.

Nice doing business with you.

OFFICER: And as he pulled away from the curb, Your Honor,

he made a three lane change

and then proceeded to make a U-turn

in a business district.

Excuse me.

Did you see my little girl?

Yeah, she stepped out.

Stepped out?

What do you mean stepped out?

She's just a little girl. Whoa, whoa.

You're the one that left her here.

Did you just "whoa" me?

Look, Drew, just stay here.

If they call number 89

just tell them to wait, okay?

Tonya!

I thought I told you to stay put.

I had to go.

You have a lovely daughter.

Thank you.

Momma, she's on trial, too.

I'll bet she is, baby, come on.

Hey!

I got a speeding ticket.

Well, I got a speeding ticket, too.

For going seven miles over the speed limit.

Can you believe that?

That's not even speeding.

I said the same thing, girl.

It's all right.

I'll pay the fine.

I'm just glad they didn't check my trunk.

'Cause if they found my guns and drugs,

I would of been in trouble.

Okay.

Uh, well, you take care.

Congratulations. Bye.

Nice talking to you. Okay.

You too, baby. Tell the streets we said hello.

Case number 89.

Case number 89!

Ooh, 89, that's me. Here sit down.

Didn't I tell you to tell me when it's gonna happen.

JUDGE: Oh... you.

Officer,

tell me what happened. Yes, Your Honor.

Uh, on the date in question,

I clocked the defendant here,

doing 32 miles an hour in a 25

mile an hour zone. Mmm.

And when I approached the vehicle, she unleashed

a torrent of obscenities

and I, honestly, I was personally offended.

What?!

Ma'am. Oh.

Your highness...

Your Honor, ma'am.

Oh, I'm sorry, Your Honor.

Now, I know the officer may have clocked me doing 32,

but I know I wasn't.

Yes, so let me get this straight--

you want me to take your word

versus the word of a sworn officer of the law.

Yes.

Okay, do you have any other witnesses?

Nope.

Nope. Guilty.

Okay, wait, wait,

in-in that, in that case...

I-I, I'm throwing myself

at, at, at the mercy of the court.

I have been

such a very bad girl and,

and, and I deserve to be punished.

Ow.

I know this.

That's what I'm doing.

50 days or $50.

No, come on, Judge!

I, okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.

I-I-I promise you I wasn't speeding.

Ma'am, everyone who came in here today said the same thing.

Whether they were going 32

in a 25 or 37 in a 30

or a 62 in a 55.

"I wasn't guilty,"

"I didn't see the sign!"

"I'm a law abiding citizen!"

"I didn't do nothing wrong!"

Did you just hear yourself?

Wait, wait a minute.

Did, did it ever occur to you

that everybody that came in here today

just so happened

to be going seven miles exactly over the speed limit.

Not two, not ten

not 12,

but one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Seven, everybody.

Officer,

do you have the calibration report for your radar gun

on the day in question?

Uh...

no I don't. Mmm.

Case dismissed.

Aw. Ha! Yes!

In your face!

Five! Gimme five!

Silence!

Hey! Woo!

I'm sorry. This is a courtroom!

I'm sorry. Not an end zone.

I'm sorry, Your highness, Your Honor.

And for your little dance,

I fine you in contempt of court.

That will be $80, please.

Damn it!

After a day behind the wheel of a car,

I had been popular, I had been terrified,

and I was ready to get back on the bus.

Oh, no.

Hey, kid!

Hey!

A little young to be driving, ain't you?

I'm just listening to the radio, officer.

There's only one reason the police in Brooklyn

would pass up the chance to bust a black kid in a car,

two black kids in a car.

How'd it go in court?

I won.

Just like I told you I would, Julius.

You did? Mm-hmm.

I told you I wasn't speeding.

I proved my case.

Then she got fined $80 for contempt of court

for doing a victory dance.

Did anybody ask you that?

My dad was barely done lying down

when I started lining it up.

Hey, Chris,

any problem moving the car?

No, it moved fine.

No trouble finding a spot?

No, it was simple.

Aah.

Well, thanks.

You really helped me out.

After all that had happened,

I kept thinking about how my dad had trusted me.

Even though I had managed to get the car back home

without him knowing,

it seemed like the right thing to do was tell the truth.

Dad?

Yeah, son.

I have a confession.

I drove your car to school today.

You what?

I'm sorry.

I really am.

Son, I'm very disappointed in you.

But as long as you're safe...

that's all that really matters.

Thanks, Dad.

But one more thing...

Yes, Dad?

Since I got the car home and nobody got hurt,

I figured the best thing to do was to keep it to myself

and never do anything like that again.

ALL: Amen.

Well...

well, next Friday, Chris, I'll let you move it again.

Cool. Where'd you park it?

Across the street.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org