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Everybody Hates Chris #046
"Caruso"
Closed Captioned
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00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:04,805
CHRIS ROCK:
After two years at Corleone,
3
00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:07,108
I felt like things had
finally started to turn around.
4
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:09,743
My grades were okay, I liked
most of my teachers
5
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,579
and I had made friends...
6
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,447
Make that, a friend.
7
00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,483
But he was a good one.
8
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,319
There was only one problem
that wasn't going away.
9
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,592
Morning, Cocoa Puffs.
10
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:29,097
Caruso had made my life
a living hell.
11
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,764
He had beaten my ass
every day
12
00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:32,200
and nothing kept him away.
13
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,535
Not a 104 degree fever...
14
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,773
...and not even
a national holiday.
15
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:41,542
Happy Fourth of July, Sammy.
16
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:44,712
What time is it?
17
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:46,080
3:15. Why?
18
00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:47,448
Have you seen Caruso?
19
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,350
He's usually punching you
in the face right now.
20
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:00,461
As far as I was concerned,
21
00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,563
this was better
than Enter the Dragon.
22
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,205
You want some more?
23
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:14,108
Smart move.
24
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,814
What are you staring at?
25
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:23,884
Did you just see that?
26
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,886
Saw it, but
I don't believe it.
27
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,888
Other than being glad
that I wasn't next,
28
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,624
at that moment I couldn't
have been happier.
29
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:34,128
* I got joy
down in my soul... *
30
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:37,365
See ya. Wouldn't want
to be ya.
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00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:41,369
Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
TELEVISION
32
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,400
ROCK:
After seeing Caruso getting
a beat down,
33
00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:13,801
I had one question.
34
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:16,837
Who is that kid anyway?
35
00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:17,905
His name's Bernard Yao.
36
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,840
Apparently he's been going
here since last year.
37
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,309
I never heard of him.
38
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,710
How do you think Caruso's
39
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,178
going to deal with
getting beaten up?
40
00:02:24,212 --> 00:02:25,279
Same way he deals
with everything--
41
00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:26,847
he's gonna take it out on me.
42
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,217
Since the day I got
to Corleone,
43
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,251
if Caruso had a problem,
44
00:02:30,284 --> 00:02:32,386
as far as he was concerned,
it was my fault.
45
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:34,522
When he got an "F"
on his paper...
46
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:35,723
"F"?!
47
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:39,927
You're probably right.
48
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,262
You wearing a cup?
49
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:43,564
What
50
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,667
Every day.
51
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:47,735
You want to borrow it?
52
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:50,671
No, I'm okay, thank you.
53
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,940
Greg's cup was actually
a thimble.
54
00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:55,676
It's your funeral.
55
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,411
Oh, no.
What?
56
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:59,247
Holy Nicole Simpson.
57
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,252
Can you hand me a carton
of milk, please?
58
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:08,422
This is worse than I thought.
59
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:10,258
Uh, Caruso, you okay?
60
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,525
Yeah, I'm fine.
61
00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:12,760
And can you call me Joey?
62
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:13,761
Joey?
Joey?
63
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,195
Joey.
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00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,533
Caruso looked about as happy
65
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:21,935
as Bobby Brown in
a health food store.
66
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:23,237
Did you see that?
67
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:24,338
I don't blame him.
68
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,739
If somebody roundhouse kicked
me across a street,
69
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:26,874
I'd avoid him, too.
70
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:30,010
Greg avoided trees 'cause
he once got a splinter.
71
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,779
Yao didn't just
beat him down--
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00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,414
he beat the bully
out of him.
73
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:44,425
While I was free from Caruso,
my dad was free from work.
74
00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:45,759
You don't need to work
this morning?
75
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,495
Your daddy's on
vacation this week.
76
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,663
Man, I wish I could
take a week off.
77
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,998
I need a vacation.
78
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,800
What for? You're a kid.
79
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:53,967
Your whole life's a vacation.
80
00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:57,838
This is a waste
of time.
81
00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:58,972
I should be working.
82
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,409
You got five paid vacation days.
83
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:02,776
Paid, Julius.
84
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:05,279
Yeah, but they're paying me
for a 40-hour week.
85
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:07,515
I average close to 70.
86
00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:09,583
If you think about it,
I'm actually losing money.
87
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:10,884
Then don't think about it.
88
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:11,852
Baby, get some rest.
89
00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:13,954
Pay attention to your health
for a change.
90
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,990
There's nothing wrong
with my health.
91
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,460
You got the gout, high blood
pressure, arthritis,
92
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:23,297
a bad back, the sniffles,
an ingrown toenail, seborrhea,
93
00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:25,599
psoriasis,
a strained ligament,
94
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,336
dyspepsia and gastric reflux.
95
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,338
My mother was making
a lot of sense.
96
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,406
Unfortunately, all
my father heard was...
97
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,808
You got the light bill,
the gas bill, the phone bill,
98
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:35,843
the heat bill, the water bill,
99
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:40,448
car note, taxes,
insurance, food,
rent, clothes,
100
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,950
heating, cooling,
washing, drying...
101
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,919
My mother thought it was work
that gave my father stress.
102
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:47,355
But she was wrong--
103
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,356
it was debt.
104
00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:50,424
Which is why he did this.
105
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:51,925
Hey, Frank, it's Julius.
106
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,361
Listen, I got a few days off
107
00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:55,095
and I'm looking to pick up
a little work.
108
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:58,699
So FYI, my sources tell me
that Yao likes using
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00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,000
the upstairs bathroom
by the art room.
110
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,669
What sources?
111
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:03,070
What are you--
Spenser for Hire?
112
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,405
I guess that makes me Hawk.
113
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,305
It's not important.
114
00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,341
All that matter is
that you avoid using it.
115
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,909
Why? Just because Yao
beat up Caruso
116
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,811
doesn't mean he's going
to beat us up, too.
117
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,813
Did you see the way
he was looking at us
118
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:14,114
when he came out
of that alley?
119
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,583
I'm not taking
any chances.
120
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,685
You're overreacting.
121
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:21,355
Okay, look, we don't
want any trouble.
122
00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:22,790
What's this?
123
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,057
My lunch money.
124
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:26,026
I always pay on time,
and I don't even mind
125
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:28,061
tossing in a few extra
bucks around the holidays.
126
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,029
What is wrong
with you guys?
127
00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:30,063
I don't want your money.
128
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,466
But after what you
did to Caruso,
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00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,368
we figured you
were taking over.
130
00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:35,235
I'm not taking
over anything.
131
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,070
I just got tired of him
picking on me.
132
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:38,672
That's why
I took karate.
133
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:41,542
It was either that, or give up
my lunch money.
134
00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:44,011
If I had to pay
for karate lessons,
135
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:45,879
I wouldn't have
had lunch money.
136
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,418
Now that's what
I call relaxing.
137
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:51,952
It's getting late.
138
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,754
You'd better be going.
139
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,390
What do you mean?
It's only 8:15.
140
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:57,925
You never know.
There could be traffic.
141
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,860
I wouldn't want you
to be late for work.
142
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:02,029
I think I have time
for a cup of coffee.
143
00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,464
Oh, could you get me
another cup?
144
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,733
Look, I'm just saying,
you know,
145
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:07,701
you're still on your
three-month probation.
146
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,637
I wouldn't want you
to have a mark on
your record.
147
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:12,473
Oh, please, that office
is so disorganized.
148
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:15,008
I'm gonna sit right here
and have my cup of coffee.
149
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:18,546
And besides, they don't keep
records of anything anyway.
150
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:22,082
Ironically, she worked
at the Department of Records.
151
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,485
Baby, we're out of coffee,
152
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:27,521
but maybe you can pick up
another cup on the way to work.
153
00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:31,625
Okay, all right, I get it,
I get it.
154
00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:34,795
You want me to leave so you can
have your day of relaxation.
155
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:35,929
I get it.
156
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,598
Have a good day.
Have a good day.
157
00:06:37,631 --> 00:06:38,799
All right,
get some rest.
158
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,001
Okay.
159
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,740
Clark Kent's got
nothing on him.
160
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,180
I'm out.
161
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:56,450
The next few days at school
162
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:57,851
were the best I'd ever had
at Corleone.
163
00:06:57,885 --> 00:06:59,553
For the first time Caruso
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00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,889
didn't knock the books out
of my hand when he passed me.
165
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,123
Hi, Chris.
166
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:07,728
He didn't shove me in a locker.
167
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,530
Hi, Chris.
168
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,866
And the only name he called me
was mine.
169
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,935
Hey, Chris.
170
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,671
For the first time
I could remember,
171
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:19,907
I didn't have
a problem at school.
172
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,441
Hey! Ah!
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00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:26,980
Give me your lunch money.
174
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,949
I didn't have a problem...
175
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,084
now I had a lot of problems.
176
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,223
ROCK:
Caruso losing the fight
with Bernard Yao
177
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:37,991
was good and bad.
178
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:40,494
On the upside, Caruso was
no longer on my back.
179
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:43,497
On the downside, I was getting
beat like eggs at IHOP.
180
00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:44,765
Hey, give me
your lunch money.
181
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,133
Hey, don't give him
your lunch money.
182
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,568
Give me your lunch money.
183
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:48,869
He's going to
give it to me.
184
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,905
No, he's going
to give it to me.
No, he's not.
185
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,841
Give it to me!
It's mine!
186
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,543
This is how kids used to fight
187
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,044
before there were guns
in school.
188
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,013
Freedom! Freedom!
189
00:08:00,047 --> 00:08:01,782
Freedom!
190
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,957
All clear.
191
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:13,026
It's like there's not enough
of you to go around, man.
192
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,862
I haven't seen
anger and violence
193
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,129
like this since
my custody hearing.
194
00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:17,565
Me neither.
195
00:08:17,598 --> 00:08:19,567
Well, at least
outside my neighborhood.
196
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,034
What's going on?
197
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:21,969
When Yao beat up Caruso,
198
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,871
it threw the whole school
out of whack.
199
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,005
What do you mean?
200
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,640
The school is like
The Godfather.
201
00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:28,976
There's a hierarchy,
and on top is
Don Corleone.
202
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,979
But in our case--
Don Caruso.
203
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:35,983
Caruso was the toughest
kid in school.
204
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,151
No one dared
challenge his authority.
205
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:40,087
Almost everybody
hated Caruso,
206
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,022
but a lot of kids envied him.
207
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:43,891
They wanted to be him,
208
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,560
but were too scared to do
anything about it.
209
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:47,895
When Caruso was out of the way,
210
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,030
the school was up for grabs.
211
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,736
It was going to be a bloodbath,
212
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,705
and I knew that unless
I did something
213
00:08:57,738 --> 00:08:59,773
it was going to be my blood.
214
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,277
Dude, how do you
know all this?
215
00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,079
When you spend a lot of time
in dark lockers
216
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,114
you think about things.
217
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,649
I started writing
218
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:10,784
my first HBO Special
in a locker.
219
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,355
So what do we do now?
220
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,825
We got to put Caruso
back in power.
221
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,630
ROCHELLE:
Mm-hmm.
222
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,798
$47 for alimony?!
223
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:28,836
DREW:
I bet you don't.
224
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:29,903
TONYA:
Bet you I will.
225
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:32,072
I bet you don't.
Keep dreaming.
226
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:34,875
A wood chipper? Where did
she get a wood chipper from?
227
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,878
Mm-hmm... mm-hmm...
228
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:44,184
Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm...
229
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:46,854
Mm-hmm...
230
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:50,023
He left her for
a midget?!
231
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,158
Uh-huh.
232
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:52,960
Ma, I'm home.
Uh-huh.
233
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,762
Right.
234
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,163
Hey, Mom, where's Dad?
235
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,631
He's probably sleeping.
236
00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:59,299
Leave him alone,
'cause he needs his rest.
237
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:02,002
And, boy, close
my door. You don't
live in a barn.
238
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,837
Uh-huh.
239
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:06,173
I didn't even open
that door.
240
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,714
Back at school,
I feared for my life.
241
00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,749
So I couldn't even enjoy
the epidemic
242
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,284
of white-on-white violence.
243
00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,026
Look at that.
244
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,194
Caruso's a broken man.
245
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,331
Don't worry,
I know how to fix him.
246
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,333
Caruso lost a fight
to the new champ.
247
00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,135
But I figured
he couldn't resist a fight
248
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,204
with the old chump.
249
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,974
What is wrong with you?
250
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,743
Let go of me.
What's wrong with you?
251
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:43,811
You're what's wrong with me,
252
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,179
walking around here like a sad
Richie Cunningham.
253
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:48,081
You should be kicking
some serious butt.
254
00:10:48,115 --> 00:10:49,750
What are you talking about?
255
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,819
Yao kicked the crap out of you.
256
00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:53,220
You're just gonna take it?
257
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,055
What do you expect?
258
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,289
Well, maybe you can't beat him,
259
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,858
but you can beat me.
260
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,126
I mean, come on, punch me,
261
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,261
kick me, push me on the ground,
something.
262
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,963
Have you lost your mind?
263
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,898
Yes.
Have you lost your mind?
264
00:11:04,932 --> 00:11:08,869
Call me Stymie, Rochester,
Tootsie Roll, Inkwell.
265
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:09,870
Come on, man!
266
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:11,038
What are you doing?
267
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,473
Prompting an angry call
from Bill Cosby.
268
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,776
Look, I-I got to go.
269
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:18,211
Desperate times call for
desperate measures.
270
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,048
You want to act like a punk,
271
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,783
I'm gonna treat you
like a punk.
272
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,052
Give me your
lunch money, Opie.
273
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,220
First time I was scared
he wouldn't hit me.
274
00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:28,822
All right, here.
275
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,123
Just leave me alone.
276
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:40,067
Well, that didn't work.
277
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,035
So now what?
278
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,171
Well, we got
his lunch money.
279
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,073
Let's go get a pizza
and think about it.
280
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:50,110
We got a pizza, but eight
different bullies took a slice.
281
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,249
Since I couldn't get Caruso
to put a stop to things,
282
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,218
I had to go to the guy
who started it.
283
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,887
Hey, Yao, can I talk to you
for a second?
284
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,288
Give me your lunch money first.
285
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,792
I'm joking.
286
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,493
Yeah, good one, jackass.
287
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:07,394
What do you want?
288
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,395
I have a problem
289
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:09,362
and I need your help.
290
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,363
I got my own problems.
291
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,232
I guarantee you
they cannot be worse than mine.
292
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,167
I'm failing math.
I got work to do.
293
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:15,235
I don't have time for this.
294
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:17,070
Wait, you're not good at math?
295
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,807
What, just because I'm Asian,
I have to be good in math?
296
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,208
You're black, can you moonwalk?
297
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,977
I didn't mean it like that.
And, no, I can't moonwalk.
298
00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:26,246
So, I can't use chopsticks.
I don't like watermelon.
299
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,280
I can't make a swan
out of paper.
300
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,415
I don't have sickle cell anemia.
301
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:29,950
I don't own a dry cleaners.
302
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,318
I bet you like rice.
303
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,220
You know what, man,
just forget this.
304
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,288
It's simple, I need you
to fight Caruso again.
305
00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:37,057
Why would I do that?
306
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,792
At least when Caruso
was in control,
307
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:40,828
we only had one person
to worry about.
308
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,830
And now, everybody's
kicking the crap out of
309
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,431
anybody they can get
their hands on.
310
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,299
And nine times out of ten...
311
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:47,467
it's me.
312
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,069
I don't want to fight.
313
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,470
If you don't
want to do it for me,
314
00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:52,239
then do it for the school.
315
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:55,475
We may not want a bully,
but we need a bully.
316
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,978
Look, I already fought him once
and beat him.
317
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,847
What makes you think
he would fight me again?
318
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,149
Let me take care of that.
319
00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:04,484
And what's in it for me?
320
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,460
Caruso...
321
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,128
I know you're in here.
322
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,030
It's me, Chris.
323
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,467
What?
324
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,335
I need to talk to you.
325
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:24,872
I knew I had to convince Caruso
to face Yao.
326
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,339
Now it was the biggest
fight of my life
327
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,041
and I wasn't even in it.
328
00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:29,409
I don't have
any more money.
329
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:31,879
Man, would you just
come out here?
330
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:36,049
Man, what is wrong with you?
331
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:39,052
I can't believe I'm saying this,
but I actually feel bad for you.
332
00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:40,854
You used to run this school.
333
00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:42,089
And now look at you.
334
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:45,158
You're sad, pathetic and
scared out of your mind.
335
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,227
Shoot, if you were black,
you'd be me.
336
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:48,195
What do you want from me?
337
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,330
You need to stand up to Yao.
338
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:52,132
Are you crazy?
339
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,634
He hit me in the eye
with a Siberian flying tiger.
340
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,203
I couldn't see straight
for three days.
341
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,238
So?
342
00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,273
When I first came
to this school,
343
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,309
you smacked me around.
344
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,111
But I stood up to you.
345
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:05,512
Fight! Fight! Fight!
346
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:07,514
And you smacked me around
some more.
347
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:11,084
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
348
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:13,186
So what's your point?
349
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:17,524
You see, every superhero
needs a villain.
350
00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:20,227
I mean, where would Superman be
351
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:21,594
if it wasn't for
Lex Luthor?
352
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:24,531
He'd be at the Hall of Justice
watching super TV.
353
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,269
And the Fantastic Four,
354
00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,671
where would they be
if it wasn't for Dr. Doom?
355
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:33,907
At the circus.
356
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,444
The reason you need
357
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,948
to stand for yourself
is because I need you.
358
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,015
The school needs you.
359
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,384
And unless you want
360
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:47,921
to spend the rest of the school
year slinking around
361
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:50,423
and being scared to let me
kick the crap out of you,
362
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:53,493
you need to stand up
for yourself.
363
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:01,969
You really think I can beat him?
364
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:05,672
I don't think so,
I know so.
365
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,340
After a few days
366
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:09,342
of successfully working
his secret job,
367
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,278
my dad ran into two problems--
368
00:15:11,311 --> 00:15:13,080
Drew and Tanya.
369
00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:14,214
I still don't see how
370
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,983
you threw your back out
doing nothing.
371
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,151
Oh, I must've slept funny.
372
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,387
Well, you sleep
harder than you work.
373
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,425
Hey, Dad, you probably
hurt you back carrying
374
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,327
all those packages.
What?
375
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,629
Yeah, this afternoon,
me and Drew saw you on
376
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,264
Fulton Avenue
377
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,432
when we were walking
home from school.
378
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:33,733
Okay, baby, here's some aspirin.
379
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,368
It'll relax your muscles a bit.
380
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:36,436
Who did y'all see
on Fulton Avenue?
381
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,471
Nobody.
They're just talking.
382
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:39,639
Oh.
383
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:42,375
Whoever that was,
384
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:45,112
he looked just like you.
I hope he doesn't
385
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,180
hit somebody in the head
with a pipe and run,
386
00:15:47,214 --> 00:15:49,149
because if he does,
you're going to jail.
387
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,583
I mean, for real, Dad,
388
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,052
he looked just like you--
389
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,321
bald head, beard,
dark skin, everything.
390
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,655
I even called you.
391
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,357
I said, "Daddy...!"
392
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,458
Sure did.
393
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,160
Then the guy turned around
and looked right at us,
394
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,394
covered his face
with a package
395
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:02,996
and ran inside
the building.
396
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,597
Hey, baby, you want
a beer before dinner.
397
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,033
Oh, thanks.
398
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:07,467
So who did y'all see
running into a building?
399
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,469
Nobody.
They just playing.
400
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:10,770
:
Kids.
401
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,772
Playing all the time.
402
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,242
Mm, okay.
403
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,678
I don't know, Dad.
404
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:21,348
If they had a look-
like-you contest,
405
00:16:21,381 --> 00:16:22,615
he would win.
406
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:23,650
Yeah.
407
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:25,552
Okay, okay, fine.
408
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,387
It was me.
409
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,522
I took a job delivering packages
for the week.
410
00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,024
Ooh...
411
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:32,392
You're supposed
to be on vacation.
412
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,527
Mama's gonna be mad.
413
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,396
Not if you keep your mouth shut.
414
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:39,499
You know Mom hates to be the
last to find out about stuff.
415
00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,434
And I don't want her
mad at me.
416
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,503
Do you guys like
having a father?
417
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,038
Yes.
Yes.
418
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:47,374
Keep quiet.
419
00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:48,408
And I'll give you five dollars.
420
00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,243
Each?
421
00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:52,579
Yeah.
422
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,247
Now shh.
423
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,716
I had brought two fighters
of different ethnicities
424
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,518
together for a fixed fight.
425
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,721
I felt just like Don King.
426
00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,723
Hey, Fried Rice.
What took you so long?
427
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,358
Why don't you ask your mother?
428
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:22,709
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
429
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,377
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight!
430
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:26,413
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
431
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,480
Where you going?
432
00:17:27,514 --> 00:17:28,581
Don't you want
to see who wins?
433
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:29,649
What's the difference?
434
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:31,184
Either way, tomorrow,
435
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,552
someone's gonna be kicking
the crap out of me.
436
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:40,260
Back on my dad's secret job,
he didn't know it,
437
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:43,062
but the shipment
was about to hit the fan.
438
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,472
Hey, excuse me,
excuse me, look.
439
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,541
I'll give you five dollars
if you go in there
440
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:55,608
and get a package for me.
441
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,377
What are you...?
442
00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,312
You're some kind
of pervert.
No, no.
443
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:02,249
No, no, no, look.
I'll give you ten, man, hey!
444
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:03,516
Damn!
445
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:10,890
Can I help you?
446
00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:13,893
Hey, baby.
447
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,262
How you doing?
448
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:16,663
If that's what
my mother looks like
449
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,631
catching my father
with another job,
450
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,600
it's no wonder he never had
another woman.
451
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:21,701
What you doing here?
452
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:23,603
I'm working.
453
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,737
What are you doing here?
454
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:26,506
Relaxing?
455
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,607
Drew and Tanya...
456
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,875
Yeah, Drew and Tanya.
457
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:30,810
Now you're bribing
your own kids?
458
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,879
You should be
ashamed or yourself.
459
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,747
And you only gave them
ten measly dollars.
460
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,283
You could've at least
gave them $20.
461
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,917
How did you know
I was going to be here?
462
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,754
Who do you think called for
you to pick up the package?
463
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,823
Look, I'm just trying
to make some extra money
464
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,492
so we can get ahead, baby.
465
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,327
Baby, how are you
gonna get ahead
466
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,928
if your behind is
laying in a coffin?
467
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,664
Julius, I need for
you to relax,
468
00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:54,367
so I can relax.
You understand?
469
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,469
I'm sorry.
470
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,471
I didn't know it was
that important to you.
471
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:02,475
Go home.
472
00:19:02,509 --> 00:19:05,478
And if you're not asleep
by the time I get home,
473
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:08,515
I'm gonna knock you out.
474
00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:10,917
No, don't kiss me, I'm in
my place of business.
475
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:12,785
Well, at least let me
get the package.
476
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:15,255
There is no package.
477
00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,194
Go to sleep.
478
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:24,264
And I'm keeping the ten dollars.
479
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,533
For a few days, I had something
I'd always wished for--
480
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:28,401
no Caruso.
481
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,670
But the only thing worse
than life with him,
482
00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:31,604
was life without him.
483
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:33,740
Everybody was talking
about the fight,
484
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:38,211
but I knew how it ended
before it started.
485
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:39,346
Well, you did it, man.
486
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,680
Caruso's back.
487
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:42,915
Yeah, I guess I'm a real hero--
488
00:19:42,949 --> 00:19:45,218
Superfool.
489
00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:47,754
Greg?
490
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:54,227
Thanks, Sandman.
491
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,563
Give me my money.
492
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,531
You owe me a pizza.
493
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:03,636
Thank you.
494
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:04,704
Thanks, nothing.
495
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:05,672
You got what you wanted,
496
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:06,706
I let Caruso beat me,
497
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,308
and now I get what I want.
498
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,410
Either I pass my math class
or it's your ass.
499
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,681
What's he angry about?
500
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,983
Can't he see I'm the one
in the locker?
501
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:22,689
* Everybody Hates Chris. *
502
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,725
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