All language subtitles for Everybody.Hates.Chris.S03E01.Everybody.Hates.the.Guidance.Counselor.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.x264-alfaHD_track3_[eng]

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #045
"E.H. the Guidance Counselor"
CLOSED CAPTIONED

("What I Like About You"
by The Romantics playing)

CHRIS ROCK:
When I entered the ninth grade
at Corleone,

even though I was still
in a junior high building,

it was technically
my first year of high school.

Some things remained
the same...

Welcome back, Jungle Love.

...and some things changed
totally.

Namely, everything I did from
then on would affect my future.

At the end of the eighth grade,
every student had to take

the Grade 8
Proficiency Assessment test.

The G.E.P.A., or GEPA,
assesses your progress

and addresses any changes you
might need in your curriculum.

So we're not getting
a grade on this?

Technically, no.
That's technically great

'cause I technically
didn't study.

So did you get
your test scores back yet?

Not yet, but I'm not worried
about it, though.

They said the test doesn't
count towards your grade,

so what difference
does it make?

A lot.

* Hey.

Chris, after
looking

at your test results,
I'm very concerned.

I'd been getting my ass whooped
for two years

and now she's concerned?

What are you concerned about?

You did horribly
on your test.

With that on your record,

it could seriously harm your
chances of going to college,

even if you get
a basketball scholarship.

Is she crazy?

There's no grades
they won't take

if you can play basketball.

I thought the test didn't count.
Chris,

everything counts.

You should know that.

I would expect Greg
to get suckered in

by someone saying that,

but with all your street smarts,

you should know better
than that.

I'm sure with all the
careers available with...

hair care companies
and dance show hosting,

it's hard to decide,

but you're going to have to
apply yourself, even for that.

Hair care companies
and dance show hosting?

My point is: to help you get off
on the good foot,

I've made an appointment for you

to see
the new guidance counselor.

Guidance counselor?

All I knew
about guidance counselors

was that you usually went
to see them

because there was
something wrong with you.

So you're Chris.

Yes, sir.

I'm Mr. Abbott,
your guidance counselor.

Having problems, huh?

Yeah, my teacher says I need
some help figuring out

what I want to do
with my future.

You can say that again.

What do you mean?

Chris, what do you want to do
when you get out of school?

I don't know.

You know, you got
about as much direction

as a broken compass.

I'm surprised
you were even able

to find your way to this office.

According
to this test,

you put the "upid" in "stupid."

The way I see it,
you're about...

two bad decisions away
from a life of crime.

I don't know anything
about crime.

Make that one bad decision.

Can you help me?

Well, unless they hire Big Bird,

I'm going to have to.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

I tanked the test because
I thought it didn't count.

Looking at my grades,
you'd think I couldn't count.

How did you even make it
into ninth grade?

I mean, they should have
picked up on this years ago.

How many did
I get wrong?

It's a skills assessment test,
Chris,

and basically what it says is

that you don't have
the propensity for any skill.

Propensity?

I got propensity.

Do you even know
what "propensity" means?

No.

Okay, maybe it's not that bad.

I'm going to have to help you.

That's my job.

I'm the "guidance" counselor.

But I'm going to have
to run some more tests.

More tests? What
are these tests for?

Well, I'm going to have to build
a psychological profile.

You're giving me a crazy test?

No, it's not
a crazy test.

It's to see
if you're good at anything.

One question.

Are these tests important?

Well, unless you want to start
taking a little bus to school,

they're very important.

I'll see you
tomorrow.

While the guidance counselor
worked on a plan for my future,

my father had a plan
for my present.

Hey, baby,
what you doing?

You want me to go get the kids'
new school clothes, right?

Well, not unless you want me
to take off of work to do it.

No, that's okay,

but before I go
buying new stuff,

I want to get rid of
the old stuff first.

So I've got
two piles:

Chris' stuff that
I'm getting rid of

and Drew's stuff that
I'm giving to Chris.

That's right there.

I'm sure glad
Drew wasn't a girl.

So you're buying something for
Drew and Tonya and not Chris?

You want him working
on his Ph.D. in hand

Drew barely wears something
before he grows out of it.

I mean, his stuff
is almost new.

Chris will be fine.

My father was working
his scheme

and the next day
I was getting worked over.

What we're going to do is
the word association test.

I'm going to say a word

and I want you to say the
first thing that comes to mind.

Brain.
Excuse me?

Brain. You said "mind"
and I said "brain."

Yeah, but we haven't
even started yet.

Oh, sorry.

Okay, let's start.

School.
School.

Teacher.
Teacher.

Okay, I-I don't think
you understand this.

I-I don't need you
to repeat what I say.

I need you to say the first
thing that comes to mind.

But what you say is the first
thing that comes to my mind.

Well, I need you to say the
next thing that comes to mind.

So the second thing?

If the second thing
that comes to mind

is the thing
that works in your mind,

then let's do that thing.

Okay, let's start.

Father.
Tired.

Mother.
Bald.

Excuse me?

Sorry. I was still on "father."

Thank God.
I thought you had a bald mother.

Okay, I'm going to make it
a little simpler for you.

Slow.

Fast.

Dumb.
Sucker.

Punk.

Chump.

Idiot.
Fool.

Who?

You.

What?
Chicken-butt.

Put it in a cup.

Go around the corner
and lick it up.

Oh, wait a minute.

After going
to the guidance counselor,

I really started to think

about what I was going
to do with my life.

Hey, Dad, how'd
you decide

what you were gonna
do for a living?

I applied for a bunch of jobs

and I took every one
that hired me.

And he would have kept them all
if he could have.

Well, you won't have
to do that, baby.

You're going to college.

You'll be able to do
anything you want.

Like get out of high school?

Am I going to college, too?

Yeah, you can be a professor
of ugly-ocity.
Shut up.

Well, whatever you do,
make sure you like it,

'cause once you have a family,

that's what you're gonna
be doing

for the rest of your life.

ROCHELLE:
Wow.

You make it sound so bad.

So, Mom, how did you decide
what you were going to be?

Well, when your father
decided that he wasn't going

to be rich, I decided
to get a job.

I didn't decide
I wasn't going to be rich.

I didn't go to college.

I drive a truck 'cause
that's what I know how to do.

So you're saying you
don't like your life?

I didn't say that.

You know what, Julius?
Do you think

you are the only one
that had a dream?

Here we go.

You know what, kids?
I had a dream.

Every time I see
Shirley Chisholm, I think,

"Wow, hey,
that could have been me."

Yeah, I could have done
a lot of things.

I could have won
a Pulitzer Prize.

If she only learned
how to Pulitzer.

I could have been
a Poet Laureate.

That don't rhyme.

You know what? I even could
have won a Cy Young Award.

If she could only throw
a knuckleball.

But instead I decided
to raise your family.

My family?

Now it's my family.

That's right.

Your family.

And what thanks
do I get?

:
Whatever you want to do, Chris,
just make sure you like it.

That's what he said to you.

I didn't mean it
like that.

You know
what, Julius?

I don't want to make
you any more unhappy

than you already are.

If he wasn't happy before,
it ain't changing no time soon.

(door opens
and closes)

My dad didn't go to college
and neither did my mother,

so I tried to find out
if I knew anybody who did.

Hey, Manny, did you
ever go to college?

Always wanted to,
but I found out I couldn't.

Why not?

I had this thing called
"extenuating circumstances."

Like what?
I never finished high school.

So I got a job here
and when Manny died,

I took over.

Wait, you had the same
name as the owner?

No, no, no,
my name was Lester.

but I had to make a choice:

change the sign
or change my name.

And that sign was expensive.

Hey, Kill Moves,
what did you want to do?

I'm doing it.

And if you study real hard,

you, too, could be President
of the United States of America.

Or crazy as hell.

Hey, Mr. Abbott.

How's it going, Chris?

Well, I talked to a few people

and I still don't know what
I want to do for a living,

but I do know that my mom
wants me to go to college.

College

To learn?

Learn? You can learn
anywhere, Chris.

You can learn by reading
a fortune cookie.

If you get hit
by a truck,

you learn not to walk
out into traffic.

If you smack Mike
Tyson, you learn

that you are going to
get your ass whooped.

But your
parents are

way too broke for you to go
to college to just learn.

They need you
to go to college

and learn how
to get a job.

Besides, I think
it's a little too early

for you to be thinking
about college right now.

And why is that?

Well, according to
your test results,

you have a lot of potential,

but it's just going
to take time to develop.

So what do we do now?

I'm recommending that you
take remedial classes.

Remedial class?!

Remedial class.

I can't go to remedial class.
You're going to go.

How am I supposed
to tell my mama

I'm going to remedial class?

I'll write a note.

So how'd it go
with the guidance counselor?

He wants to put me
in remedial class.

What?!

How did that happen?

Well, remember
that test we took?

The one
they said didn't matter?

Right. It mattered.

The only thing worse
than getting put out of school

was the thought of being put
in remedial class.

* Round and round
Come on, Chris!

* The wheels on the bus go
round and round *

* All through the town.

I guess it was a little bit
more serious than I thought.

I got to see that guy, too.

What for?
I don't know.

Well, at least I live
too far away from school

to ride the short bus.

Actually,
you don't.

City regulations allow for
special needs students pickups

throughout
all school districts.

Thanks.

What's all this?

The kids' new
school clothes.

The Salvation Marines?

You went shopping
at the thrift store?

My father loved thrift stores

'cause you could trade in
your old clothes...

...for some new old clothes.

My kids are not wearing
somebody else's old clothes.

I mean, these pants
could've belonged to anybody.

You act like the
pants are cursed.

MAN:
Face forward.

WOMAN:
That's him, officer.

Are you sure?

I know it's him.

He's wearing those pants.

Look, I can't afford to buy
all new school clothes.

I guess
that's one more thing

you can't stand
about your miserable life.

My kids are not wearing these,

so you either get
new clothes or new kids.

He's trying to figure out
which one is cheaper.

While my mother was throwing
clothes in the box,

Greg was thinking
outside the box.

You did unbelievable
on this test.

There's a lot of things
you could do when you
get out of college.

At first, I was
thinking I could start up
an investment banking firm,

or maybe franchise
a coffee store.

"Franchise a coffee store"?

That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard in my life.

A store that sells
nothing but coffee?

Well what you going
to open up next?

A place that sells
nothing but staples?

Oh, what's after that?

A place that sells
everything for 99 cents?

You smell anything?

Well, see that's what
I was going to tell you.

I settled on being an astronaut.

I'm-I'm wearing a diaper.

A diaper?!

You mean, you want
to fly a rocket,

but you're still gonna
pee in your pants?

Well, they don't make you do it

but I wanted to see
if I could take it.

Nobody could take it, Greg.

Now, get the funk
out of my office.

Gah!

Mr. Abbott?

Chris. Can I help you?

I'm not going
to remedial class.

Chris, I'm just trying to do
what's best for you.

If I would've known

the test was that important,
I could've done better.

If you could've done better,
you would've done better.

Then let me take
the test again.

It wouldn't even matter, Chris.

It's already on your
permanent record.

So you're telling me
that even though

I've been passing classes
for the past two years,

I do bad on one test,
and it's over?

Hey, I don't make the rules.

I just follow them.
Why?

Hey, hey, hey, don't get
mad at me, short bus.

You're the one that didn't
take this test serious.

It's a test.

What did you think
was gonna happen?

You know what they do to food
before they give it to people?

They test it.

They don't even give people

paper towels without
testing it first.

How do you think they know

that Bounty is
the quicker picker

They test it, and you
know what happens

to all the other paper towels
that couldn't sop up the grease?

They fail and get sent back.

Well, maybe if they would've
told the paper towel

that he needed to
sop up the grease

to get to the store,
he would've done better.

What are you talking about?!

I don't know. You started it.

Okay, you want some help?

Yeah.

Let's go for a ride.

What does this have to do
with me going to college?

If you don't know what you
want to do with your life,

it's all going to be a big waste
of time and money.

Do you know how many
broke people went to college?

Not really.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this young man here thinks
that all you have to do

in life is go to college
and you'll be successful.

By a show of hands, how
many of you went to college?

We're on the wrong bus.

Now by a show of hands, how many
of you people went to college?

We're on the right bus.

Now by another
show of hands,

how many of you people right now

wish you had that money
to pay some bills?

Thank you.

So what do I do?

Well, I can't tell you that.

But I'll tell you this,
you can't go to college

just because your parents
will get mad if you don't.

When you get out
of high school,

take some time to
figure things out.

Get a job, travel.

Go find yourself.

Hey, kid, you need a ride?

Can I get on without a helmet?

Come on.

Good-bye, past.
Hello, future.

After I got all my guidance,
my mother told the counselor

where he could go.

Still wearing that diaper, huh?

After a while,
you don't notice.

Right.

So what are you
doing out here?

My mom wasn't happy with the
guidance counselor's guidance.

I know how she feels.

The guy basically told me
I can do anything I want.

That's pressure.

It's like, even if I wanted
to fail, I couldn't.

That was the moment I realized

what it truly meant
to be white.

Must be tough.

I'm sorry, but it's all right
there in the test.

Tests, tests-- you keep
talking about tests.

I'm here to talk about my son.

I mean, what does
a test prove anyway?

Charles Manson
passed some tests.

I'm not saying there's
anything wrong with your son.

Well, I'm saying that there's
something wrong with you.

You're supposed to be
a guidance counselor.

Guide.

I did the best I could.

No, you didn't.

"Go find yourself."
What is that?

I'm not trying to hold
your son back.

But going to college without
knowing what you want to study

is kind of like going
to a grocery store

without knowing
what you want to eat.

And telling a boy to figure out
what he wants to do

by telling him to do nothing

is like telling him to learn
how to swim by drowning.

What are you talking about?

I don't know,
but you started it.

Thanks for coming.

You're more than welcome.
Nice meeting you.

Pleasure.

Anyways, I can't wait
for this interview to be over,

so I can put more
baby powder on.

MR. ABBOTT:
I know you want
what's bet for your son,

but I think he's
going to be okay.

Thank you very much.

What the hell is that smell?

Greg, is that you, boy?

I'm studying to be
an astronaut.

Well, even astronauts
wash their...

CHRIS:
Come on, Ma.

My God!

Nope, nope, nope.
Get out of here, Funky Brewster.

Every day of my life,
my mother threatened

to knock the lobes off my ears
or slap the pores off my face,

but if anybody else
ever put me down,

she was always there
to pick me back up.

Look, Chris, I don't know
what you're going to do
with your life.

You may go to college,
you may not.

But I know whatever you do,
you're going to be good at it.

'Cause I ain't having no grown
man sleeping in my house.

Yes, ma'am.

So, how'd things go?

Did you figure out
what you want to do?

Not really,
but I'll be all right.

If I can't figure out what
I want to do, at least I can
be a guidance counselor.

I mean, all you do
is ask people questions

that you don't even
know the answer to,

and you tell them
to take a hike.

I mean, I may not be the
smartest person in the world,

but I think I'm smart enough
to do that.

MR. ABBOTT:
Is that all you think I do?

Even in a diaper,
Greg could run like the wind.

The smelly wind.

Am I wrong?

Listen here, short bus,
I work for the school.

I deal with the tests, okay?

You know, when I was your age,

I took these tests, too,
and I did great.

Do you think I thought
I was going to just be
a guidance counselor?

What did you want to do?

What I wanted to do
required bravery...

dedication, commitment.

I wanted to serve the people.

So you wanted to be a Marine?

Not exactly.

Anyway, it's not too late
for me,

and it's not too late for you.

Good luck.

Hey, Ma, come look!

Aren't these jeans cool?

Baby, those are adorable.

Hey, Chris.

So how'd it go at school today?

Fine.

Fine.

Daddy let us pick out
our own clothes.

Well, hopefully you picked out
something you liked.

I mean, heaven forbid
you wake up one day

and realize you can't stand it.

Rochelle, stop it.

Okay, just stop it.

What? What are you
talking about?

Rochelle, the reason

I said those things to Chris

is because nobody said
those things to me.

You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And, yeah, I mean, I
don't get a lot of sleep,

and I don't make a lot
of money, but I've got you.

I've got my kids,

and that's all I need.

At that moment, I didn't have
any idea what I wanted to do,

but what I wanted to be
was just like my father.

Where the hell you get that,
from the inside of a card?

Peabo Bryson song.

That's how I feel.

Then why didn't
you just say that?

I just said it.

Why didn't you say it
in the first place?

Hey, Chris, I got
you something.

Air Jordans?!

These cost a fortune.

Oh, not these.

Let's just say
I got a deal.

Uh-oh.

Even though I wasn't sure what
I was going to do with my life,

I knew one thing for sure:
my mother and father

were always going
to look out for me.

The only feeling
better than that

was having a brand-new
pair of shoes.

:
That's him!
Are you sure?

I'm positive!
He's wearing those shoes.

Daddy! Daddy!

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org