Original subtitles

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #045 "E.H. the Guidance Counselor" CLOSED CAPTIONED

("What I Like About You" by The Romantics playing)

CHRIS ROCK: When I entered the ninth grade at Corleone,

even though I was still in a junior high building,

it was technically my first year of high school.

Some things remained the same...

Welcome back, Jungle Love.

...and some things changed totally.

Namely, everything I did from then on would affect my future.

At the end of the eighth grade, every student had to take

the Grade 8 Proficiency Assessment test.

The G.E.P.A., or GEPA, assesses your progress

and addresses any changes you might need in your curriculum.

So we're not getting a grade on this?

Technically, no. That's technically great

'cause I technically didn't study.

So did you get your test scores back yet?

Not yet, but I'm not worried about it, though.

They said the test doesn't count towards your grade,

so what difference does it make?

A lot.

* Hey.

Chris, after looking

at your test results, I'm very concerned.

I'd been getting my ass whooped for two years

and now she's concerned?

What are you concerned about?

You did horribly on your test.

With that on your record,

it could seriously harm your chances of going to college,

even if you get a basketball scholarship.

Is she crazy?

There's no grades they won't take

if you can play basketball.

I thought the test didn't count. Chris,

everything counts.

You should know that.

I would expect Greg to get suckered in

by someone saying that,

but with all your street smarts,

you should know better than that.

I'm sure with all the careers available with...

hair care companies and dance show hosting,

it's hard to decide,

but you're going to have to apply yourself, even for that.

Hair care companies and dance show hosting?

My point is: to help you get off on the good foot,

I've made an appointment for you

to see the new guidance counselor.

Guidance counselor?

All I knew about guidance counselors

was that you usually went to see them

because there was something wrong with you.

So you're Chris.

Yes, sir.

I'm Mr. Abbott, your guidance counselor.

Having problems, huh?

Yeah, my teacher says I need some help figuring out

what I want to do with my future.

You can say that again.

What do you mean?

Chris, what do you want to do when you get out of school?

I don't know.

You know, you got about as much direction

as a broken compass.

I'm surprised you were even able

to find your way to this office.

According to this test,

you put the "upid" in "stupid."

The way I see it, you're about...

two bad decisions away from a life of crime.

I don't know anything about crime.

Make that one bad decision.

Can you help me?

Well, unless they hire Big Bird,

I'm going to have to.

* Ah, make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

I tanked the test because I thought it didn't count.

Looking at my grades, you'd think I couldn't count.

How did you even make it into ninth grade?

I mean, they should have picked up on this years ago.

How many did I get wrong?

It's a skills assessment test, Chris,

and basically what it says is

that you don't have the propensity for any skill.

Propensity?

I got propensity.

Do you even know what "propensity" means?

No.

Okay, maybe it's not that bad.

I'm going to have to help you.

That's my job.

I'm the "guidance" counselor.

But I'm going to have to run some more tests.

More tests? What are these tests for?

Well, I'm going to have to build a psychological profile.

You're giving me a crazy test?

No, it's not a crazy test.

It's to see if you're good at anything.

One question.

Are these tests important?

Well, unless you want to start taking a little bus to school,

they're very important.

I'll see you tomorrow.

While the guidance counselor worked on a plan for my future,

my father had a plan for my present.

Hey, baby, what you doing?

You want me to go get the kids' new school clothes, right?

Well, not unless you want me to take off of work to do it.

No, that's okay,

but before I go buying new stuff,

I want to get rid of the old stuff first.

So I've got two piles:

Chris' stuff that I'm getting rid of

and Drew's stuff that I'm giving to Chris.

That's right there.

I'm sure glad Drew wasn't a girl.

So you're buying something for Drew and Tonya and not Chris?

You want him working on his Ph.D. in hand

Drew barely wears something before he grows out of it.

I mean, his stuff is almost new.

Chris will be fine.

My father was working his scheme

and the next day I was getting worked over.

What we're going to do is the word association test.

I'm going to say a word

and I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind.

Brain. Excuse me?

Brain. You said "mind" and I said "brain."

Yeah, but we haven't even started yet.

Oh, sorry.

Okay, let's start.

School. School.

Teacher. Teacher.

Okay, I-I don't think you understand this.

I-I don't need you to repeat what I say.

I need you to say the first thing that comes to mind.

But what you say is the first thing that comes to my mind.

Well, I need you to say the next thing that comes to mind.

So the second thing?

If the second thing that comes to mind

is the thing that works in your mind,

then let's do that thing.

Okay, let's start.

Father. Tired.

Mother. Bald.

Excuse me?

Sorry. I was still on "father."

Thank God. I thought you had a bald mother.

Okay, I'm going to make it a little simpler for you.

Slow.

Fast.

Dumb. Sucker.

Punk.

Chump.

Idiot. Fool.

Who?

You.

What? Chicken-butt.

Put it in a cup.

Go around the corner and lick it up.

Oh, wait a minute.

After going to the guidance counselor,

I really started to think

about what I was going to do with my life.

Hey, Dad, how'd you decide

what you were gonna do for a living?

I applied for a bunch of jobs

and I took every one that hired me.

And he would have kept them all if he could have.

Well, you won't have to do that, baby.

You're going to college.

You'll be able to do anything you want.

Like get out of high school?

Am I going to college, too?

Yeah, you can be a professor of ugly-ocity. Shut up.

Well, whatever you do, make sure you like it,

'cause once you have a family,

that's what you're gonna be doing

for the rest of your life.

ROCHELLE: Wow.

You make it sound so bad.

So, Mom, how did you decide what you were going to be?

Well, when your father decided that he wasn't going

to be rich, I decided to get a job.

I didn't decide I wasn't going to be rich.

I didn't go to college.

I drive a truck 'cause that's what I know how to do.

So you're saying you don't like your life?

I didn't say that.

You know what, Julius? Do you think

you are the only one that had a dream?

Here we go.

You know what, kids? I had a dream.

Every time I see Shirley Chisholm, I think,

"Wow, hey, that could have been me."

Yeah, I could have done a lot of things.

I could have won a Pulitzer Prize.

If she only learned how to Pulitzer.

I could have been a Poet Laureate.

That don't rhyme.

You know what? I even could have won a Cy Young Award.

If she could only throw a knuckleball.

But instead I decided to raise your family.

My family?

Now it's my family.

That's right.

Your family.

And what thanks do I get?

: Whatever you want to do, Chris, just make sure you like it.

That's what he said to you.

I didn't mean it like that.

You know what, Julius?

I don't want to make you any more unhappy

than you already are.

If he wasn't happy before, it ain't changing no time soon.

(door opens and closes)

My dad didn't go to college and neither did my mother,

so I tried to find out if I knew anybody who did.

Hey, Manny, did you ever go to college?

Always wanted to, but I found out I couldn't.

Why not?

I had this thing called "extenuating circumstances."

Like what? I never finished high school.

So I got a job here and when Manny died,

I took over.

Wait, you had the same name as the owner?

No, no, no, my name was Lester.

but I had to make a choice:

change the sign or change my name.

And that sign was expensive.

Hey, Kill Moves, what did you want to do?

I'm doing it.

And if you study real hard,

you, too, could be President of the United States of America.

Or crazy as hell.

Hey, Mr. Abbott.

How's it going, Chris?

Well, I talked to a few people

and I still don't know what I want to do for a living,

but I do know that my mom wants me to go to college.

College

To learn?

Learn? You can learn anywhere, Chris.

You can learn by reading a fortune cookie.

If you get hit by a truck,

you learn not to walk out into traffic.

If you smack Mike Tyson, you learn

that you are going to get your ass whooped.

But your parents are

way too broke for you to go to college to just learn.

They need you to go to college

and learn how to get a job.

Besides, I think it's a little too early

for you to be thinking about college right now.

And why is that?

Well, according to your test results,

you have a lot of potential,

but it's just going to take time to develop.

So what do we do now?

I'm recommending that you take remedial classes.

Remedial class?!

Remedial class.

I can't go to remedial class. You're going to go.

How am I supposed to tell my mama

I'm going to remedial class?

I'll write a note.

So how'd it go with the guidance counselor?

He wants to put me in remedial class.

What?!

How did that happen?

Well, remember that test we took?

The one they said didn't matter?

Right. It mattered.

The only thing worse than getting put out of school

was the thought of being put in remedial class.

* Round and round Come on, Chris!

* The wheels on the bus go round and round *

* All through the town.

I guess it was a little bit more serious than I thought.

I got to see that guy, too.

What for? I don't know.

Well, at least I live too far away from school

to ride the short bus.

Actually, you don't.

City regulations allow for special needs students pickups

throughout all school districts.

Thanks.

What's all this?

The kids' new school clothes.

The Salvation Marines?

You went shopping at the thrift store?

My father loved thrift stores

'cause you could trade in your old clothes...

...for some new old clothes.

My kids are not wearing somebody else's old clothes.

I mean, these pants could've belonged to anybody.

You act like the pants are cursed.

MAN: Face forward.

WOMAN: That's him, officer.

Are you sure?

I know it's him.

He's wearing those pants.

Look, I can't afford to buy all new school clothes.

I guess that's one more thing

you can't stand about your miserable life.

My kids are not wearing these,

so you either get new clothes or new kids.

He's trying to figure out which one is cheaper.

While my mother was throwing clothes in the box,

Greg was thinking outside the box.

You did unbelievable on this test.

There's a lot of things you could do when you get out of college.

At first, I was thinking I could start up an investment banking firm,

or maybe franchise a coffee store.

"Franchise a coffee store"?

That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life.

A store that sells nothing but coffee?

Well what you going to open up next?

A place that sells nothing but staples?

Oh, what's after that?

A place that sells everything for 99 cents?

You smell anything?

Well, see that's what I was going to tell you.

I settled on being an astronaut.

I'm-I'm wearing a diaper.

A diaper?!

You mean, you want to fly a rocket,

but you're still gonna pee in your pants?

Well, they don't make you do it

but I wanted to see if I could take it.

Nobody could take it, Greg.

Now, get the funk out of my office.

Gah!

Mr. Abbott?

Chris. Can I help you?

I'm not going to remedial class.

Chris, I'm just trying to do what's best for you.

If I would've known

the test was that important, I could've done better.

If you could've done better, you would've done better.

Then let me take the test again.

It wouldn't even matter, Chris.

It's already on your permanent record.

So you're telling me that even though

I've been passing classes for the past two years,

I do bad on one test, and it's over?

Hey, I don't make the rules.

I just follow them. Why?

Hey, hey, hey, don't get mad at me, short bus.

You're the one that didn't take this test serious.

It's a test.

What did you think was gonna happen?

You know what they do to food before they give it to people?

They test it.

They don't even give people

paper towels without testing it first.

How do you think they know

that Bounty is the quicker picker

They test it, and you know what happens

to all the other paper towels that couldn't sop up the grease?

They fail and get sent back.

Well, maybe if they would've told the paper towel

that he needed to sop up the grease

to get to the store, he would've done better.

What are you talking about?!

I don't know. You started it.

Okay, you want some help?

Yeah.

Let's go for a ride.

What does this have to do with me going to college?

If you don't know what you want to do with your life,

it's all going to be a big waste of time and money.

Do you know how many broke people went to college?

Not really.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this young man here thinks that all you have to do

in life is go to college and you'll be successful.

By a show of hands, how many of you went to college?

We're on the wrong bus.

Now by a show of hands, how many of you people went to college?

We're on the right bus.

Now by another show of hands,

how many of you people right now

wish you had that money to pay some bills?

Thank you.

So what do I do?

Well, I can't tell you that.

But I'll tell you this, you can't go to college

just because your parents will get mad if you don't.

When you get out of high school,

take some time to figure things out.

Get a job, travel.

Go find yourself.

Hey, kid, you need a ride?

Can I get on without a helmet?

Come on.

Good-bye, past. Hello, future.

After I got all my guidance, my mother told the counselor

where he could go.

Still wearing that diaper, huh?

After a while, you don't notice.

Right.

So what are you doing out here?

My mom wasn't happy with the guidance counselor's guidance.

I know how she feels.

The guy basically told me I can do anything I want.

That's pressure.

It's like, even if I wanted to fail, I couldn't.

That was the moment I realized

what it truly meant to be white.

Must be tough.

I'm sorry, but it's all right there in the test.

Tests, tests-- you keep talking about tests.

I'm here to talk about my son.

I mean, what does a test prove anyway?

Charles Manson passed some tests.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your son.

Well, I'm saying that there's something wrong with you.

You're supposed to be a guidance counselor.

Guide.

I did the best I could.

No, you didn't.

"Go find yourself." What is that?

I'm not trying to hold your son back.

But going to college without knowing what you want to study

is kind of like going to a grocery store

without knowing what you want to eat.

And telling a boy to figure out what he wants to do

by telling him to do nothing

is like telling him to learn how to swim by drowning.

What are you talking about?

I don't know, but you started it.

Thanks for coming.

You're more than welcome. Nice meeting you.

Pleasure.

Anyways, I can't wait for this interview to be over,

so I can put more baby powder on.

MR. ABBOTT: I know you want what's bet for your son,

but I think he's going to be okay.

Thank you very much.

What the hell is that smell?

Greg, is that you, boy?

I'm studying to be an astronaut.

Well, even astronauts wash their...

CHRIS: Come on, Ma.

My God!

Nope, nope, nope. Get out of here, Funky Brewster.

Every day of my life, my mother threatened

to knock the lobes off my ears or slap the pores off my face,

but if anybody else ever put me down,

she was always there to pick me back up.

Look, Chris, I don't know what you're going to do with your life.

You may go to college, you may not.

But I know whatever you do, you're going to be good at it.

'Cause I ain't having no grown man sleeping in my house.

Yes, ma'am.

So, how'd things go?

Did you figure out what you want to do?

Not really, but I'll be all right.

If I can't figure out what I want to do, at least I can be a guidance counselor.

I mean, all you do is ask people questions

that you don't even know the answer to,

and you tell them to take a hike.

I mean, I may not be the smartest person in the world,

but I think I'm smart enough to do that.

MR. ABBOTT: Is that all you think I do?

Even in a diaper, Greg could run like the wind.

The smelly wind.

Am I wrong?

Listen here, short bus, I work for the school.

I deal with the tests, okay?

You know, when I was your age,

I took these tests, too, and I did great.

Do you think I thought I was going to just be a guidance counselor?

What did you want to do?

What I wanted to do required bravery...

dedication, commitment.

I wanted to serve the people.

So you wanted to be a Marine?

Not exactly.

Anyway, it's not too late for me,

and it's not too late for you.

Good luck.

Hey, Ma, come look!

Aren't these jeans cool?

Baby, those are adorable.

Hey, Chris.

So how'd it go at school today?

Fine.

Fine.

Daddy let us pick out our own clothes.

Well, hopefully you picked out something you liked.

I mean, heaven forbid you wake up one day

and realize you can't stand it.

Rochelle, stop it.

Okay, just stop it.

What? What are you talking about?

Rochelle, the reason

I said those things to Chris

is because nobody said those things to me.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

And, yeah, I mean, I don't get a lot of sleep,

and I don't make a lot of money, but I've got you.

I've got my kids,

and that's all I need.

At that moment, I didn't have any idea what I wanted to do,

but what I wanted to be was just like my father.

Where the hell you get that, from the inside of a card?

Peabo Bryson song.

That's how I feel.

Then why didn't you just say that?

I just said it.

Why didn't you say it in the first place?

Hey, Chris, I got you something.

Air Jordans?!

These cost a fortune.

Oh, not these.

Let's just say I got a deal.

Uh-oh.

Even though I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life,

I knew one thing for sure: my mother and father

were always going to look out for me.

The only feeling better than that

was having a brand-new pair of shoes.

: That's him! Are you sure?

I'm positive! He's wearing those shoes.

Daddy! Daddy!

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org