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EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #044 "Everybody Hates The Last Day" CLOSED CAPTIONED

(Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" playing)

CHRIS ROCK: After another whole year at Corleone,

it was good to finally get to the last week of school.

Summer vacation was ahead of me, and the days of being

bullied by Caruso on a daily basiswere behind me.

Man, I can't wait.

No more tests, no more bus rides.

Hold on.

There.

2,100 minutes.

What?

There are 2,100 minutes left

until the end of the school year.

Don't you mean five days?

I prefer 2,100 minutes.

It sounds like less time.

Whatever.

What's wrong with you? Remember at the beginning of the school year

when I said I wanted things to be different and all that?

Yeah, what about it?

Well, everything I didn't want to have happen happened.

It hasn't been all bad.

You were elected student president.

I was impeached.

Keep it up.

You're gonna make this week a lot longer than it has to be.

I just want to do one thing before the end of the year

that I feel good about.

Hey, T.C.

Five more days till you're back in the hood.

Dropped something.

Don't you ever get tired of that?

I never get tired, it never gets old.

You know, I think I know how to make this all worthwhile.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna get my revenge on Caruso.

Stay tuned for Revenge of the Nerd.

* Aw, make it funky now

Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

The hardest thing about planning revenge

is figuring out how far to go.

How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?

Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name

to He Can Hear You, Stupid.

What's that?

It's my revenge list.

I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.

You could toilet paper his house.

Too dangerous.

You could egg him on the way home.

Too obvious.

You could put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.

Too typical. Suit yourself,

but I'm saving that one for a jerk to be named later.

Do you really think this is gonna work?

I want to show Caruso that he can't keep messing with me

and get away with it.

I'm gonna get him back.

I'm gonna get him back good.

Like Tina finally did to Ike.

While I was making up for the past,

Drew was getting ready for his future.

Oh!

Look at you.

Oh, my baby's graduating.

I think the hat looks stupid. Shut up.

You shut up. Hey, hey, be quiet.

Hey, Mom, can we eat at Junior's after graduation?

TONYA: I hate Junior's.

Can we eat at Sylvia's?

Drew gets to pick.

He's the one graduating, Tonya.

You know what?

In that case, Ma, we have to go to Sylvia's.

Oh, that's nice, baby.

To tell Sylvia we're eating at Junior's.

Ow! Well, we can ask your daddy.

I'm sure we can eat wherever you want.

As long as they have

a "Kids eat free after 4:00 p.m." special.

I don't know what's so special about graduating.

Nothing, if you're happy saying,

"May I take your order, please?"

What's so special is: I don't have to go

to little kid school with you anymore.

I'm grown.

Well, you're not grown; you're stupid.

You're stupid. You're stupid.

Hey, hey, hey.

Didn't I say "Stop"?

Hey, Ma, can I show the guys my cap and gown?

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

You ain't gonna mess that gown up,

and then go walking across the stage looking like

"Who did that to you?"

Take it off.

And give me the hat, too.

I'm gonna hang this in your closet,

and I better not see you in it until graduation day.

You understand me? Yes, ma'am.

Huh, excuse me? I di... what?

Yes, ma'am.

All right.

While Drew was moving up, Mr. Omar's drain was stopped up.

How long has it been like that?

Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.

I don't know.

Some time overnight, it just got all backed up.

Hmm... I'll take care of it.

My father thought

he could fix anything with Crazy Glue or duct tape.

What you doing?

Fixing the table.

All done.

Look at that.

Julius.

Did you fix that flat tire?

: Good as new.

Did you fix that noise yet?

Quiet as a mouse.

Here, hold this for me.

I don't think duct tape is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius.

Why don't you just call the plumber?

For $25 an hour?

I don't think so.

I know what to do.

In order to exact the perfect revenge,

I decided I should consult some experts.

If I was you, I'd move onto his block and take a dollar from him

every day for the rest of his life.

Let me hold a dollar.

You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank,

put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.

Revenge?

Success... the best revenge.

My mother didn't say

Drew couldn't wear his graduation gown.

She just said she didn't want to see him wearing it.

So when she wasn't around, he watched TV in it...

he played sports in it...

Get it! All right, man, yeah, go, go, go, go!

He got ready for school in it...

he even practiced graduating from another school in it.

With only four days of school left to get Caruso,

I needed a crazy revenge plan, so I asked a crazy person.

Hey, you know anything about revenge?

One time in this third world country,

I helped install this puppet regime

for this dictator's ex-wife after a coup,

just so she could stop him

from getting his favorite suits.

So that's a yes?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay...

Well, there's this kid Caruso.

He's been picking on me all year long

and I just want to get even.

You want to know how to do it? If he pulls a knife,

you pull a gun.

He sends one of yours to the hospital,

you send his to the morgue.

Now, you do that, and that will end your problems with Caruso.

Crips and Bloods tried that.

Never quite seemed to work out.

I just want him to stop picking on me.

Okay, well, what do you know about him?

Well, he likes to beat me up.

What else? Call me names.

Is that all you know about him?

Pretty much.

Well, then, that's your problem.

First rule of combat: know your enemy.

Man, revenge is like a good pair of night vision goggles.

If they're not made just for you,

they're never going to work, and you're going

to wind up shooting your platoon leader in the neck

by accident.

Now, if you want to get this revenge on this Caruso,

you got to study him-- you got to find out his strengths and weaknesses.

You got to design something especially for him.

Remember this: revenge is a dish best served cold.

I thought that was meatloaf.

Thanks.

So now the plan was Operation Get To Know Caruso.

My mission with Caruso was simple:

find out things without getting found out.

(A Flock of Seagulls' "I Ran" playing)

What happened? Did he spot us?

No, but only because he didn't see us behind that mustache.

How are you going to follow someone with a fake mustache

and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?

Works for Magnum, P.I.

Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man.

Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii.

There, they're just shirts.

It's like Chinese food in China.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan,

my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...

What's he doing?

Looks like he's waiting for somebody.

What time is it?

3:15.

He's waiting for me.

Hey, you seen Chris?

Nuh-uh.

* And I ran, I ran so...

He's warming up.

He's leaving.

* I just ran

* I ran all night and day.

You okay?

Hey, are you Chris?

Yeah. Next time,

be on time.

If nothing else,

at least I learned to use a different door to leave school.

Back at home, Drew's graduation was gradually getting to Tonya.

: Why don't you take that stupid cap and gown off?

You know Momma said not to wear it.

: You're just jealous because I look so cool.

You don't look cool; you look stupid.

You're the one that's gonna look stupid

in your little baby school.

I'm not a baby; you're a baby.

That's why this baby is graduating.

: Clean it up.

Ha, now you clean it up.

Drew.

Everybody quiet.

I want to hear Drew's last words.

Go take that gown off.

Clean this mess up.

If that was me, I'd be cleaning my teeth up.

Meanwhile, my father tried

to replace a $25-an-hour plumber

with a 14 cents-an-ounce bottle.

Drainada?

That's right.

It's Spanish Drano.

Doesn't "Drano" already sound Spanish?

It's just as good as the real thing.

What's in it?

Sodium hydroxide and hot sauce.

It dissolves the clog and leaves the pipes

with a fresh, spicy scent.

See?

Does it work?

You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged

No.

Okay.

It's just hitting Mr. Omar

that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.

Back on the street, something else was going down.

This is boring, man.

If this were Magnum, it'd be a good time for a car chase.

You satisfied?

Greg, stop!

Greg just set a record in the 100-meter run-like-a-girl.

I'd been following Caruso all day

and I had come to a conclusion.

Bullies are strange people.

Thanks for taking care of her for me.

WOMAN: You're welcome.

He's a cat lover?

It was like finding out

that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.

CARUSO: Who's a good kitty?

I love you. Yes, I do.

You curious, kitty?

I love you. You want to go home?

See your new mommy?

I figured that with Caruso, this pet would be all white.

Let's go home and meet your new mommy.

Yes.

While I was on Caruso's tail,

my mother was about to get on Drew's behind.

Why did I tell you not to wear this gown?

'Cause I'd mess it up. And what happened?

I messed it up. I tried to tell him...

ROCHELLE: Girl, when I'm ready

to talk to you, I will let you know.

What am I supposed to do with this, Drew?

Can you fix it?

Can you fix it?

I shouldn't have to fix it.

That's why I told you not to wear it in the first place.

And back to you.

What in the world

would possess you to throw ice cream on your brother?

Because he's always teasing me because he's graduating,

and I'm not.

I'm sick of him.

Baby, it's just his turn.

One day, you're gonna graduate,

and if your father has anything to do with it,

you will be getting on everybody's nerves.

Trust me.

But baby, until then, you just have to be patient.

But when Drew leaves Dolemite, who's gonna walk me to school?

Even though Tonya was a menace to society,

she was still a little girl at heart.

I will, Tonya.

I'm only going to Sanford.

I can still walk you.

You will?

Yeah.

I think you owe your brother an apology.

I'm sorry.

And I think you owe your sister an apology.

Don't look at me like that.

I'm sorry for teasing you.

ROCHELLE: Okay.

So now that you're sorry,

and you're sorry, I'm gonna be sorry, too.

Oh, yeah, take it upstairs.

That day, my mother performed

Bed-Stuy's first synchronized behind beating.

Mr. Omar's drain was still clogged,

so my father kept plugging away.

Don't you think you ought to call a plumber?

I told you, I don't need a plumber.

Not when I got this.

"Custodian in a Conga"?

Yeah, Custodian in a Conga.

I mean, it's like Janitor in a Drum,

only it's 30% stronger, and 20% less.

Well, it better work 30% faster, 'cause I need my sink.

Watch this.

Some day, Al Gore is gonna trace global warming

back to that sink.

Finding out

that Caruso loved cats was one thing.

Finding out how to use it against him was something else.

Maybe you could kidnap one of his cats,

hold him for ransom, and when he doesn't send the money,

you could cut off one of the cat's ears,

send it to him in a plain brown wrapper

just to let him know you're serious.

At that moment, I was happy

that I'd always been nice to Greg.

What the heck is this?

Banacek.

I'm mixing it up.

I don't know, man.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

What are you talking about?

I just wish Caruso would leave me alone,

and I feel like if I get my revenge,

I'll be no better than him.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

You should be the bigger man.

You should just forget

about that time he hit you with paint balloons.

Or about the time he egged you on Halloween.

Or the time he stole your picture day clothes.

Go ahead, let the cycle of violence continue.

You know what they say.

What do they say?

All it takes for evil to prevail

is for a few good men to do nothing.

Out of my way, Count Chocula.

I got places to be.

You're a better man than me.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Since my father hadn't fixed the sink,

Mr. Omar decided to fix him.

Slumlord?! What?

Mr. Omar contacted the Housing Authority

and said that we're refusing to maintain the apartment.

You should call the Housing Authority

about his blacklight panther poster.

Well, Julius, you got two choices.

Either call a lawyer,

or call a plumber.

Good thing they don't sell Johnnie Cochran in a Can.

On the next-to-last day of school, I felt like

I was about to get on with the rest of my life

without being bothered by Caruso.

So, you figured out what we're gonna do yet?

Yup. Cool.

So when do we start?

It's not we this time, Greg.

I have to do this by myself.

If something goes wrong, I can't have you getting in trouble.

This is just like Doughboy and Tré in Boys 'n the Hood.

You don't have to do that.

We're in this together. Not this time.

If you say so.

So, what are you gonna do?

If I tell you, I have to kill you.

You're joking, right?

No.

Not even a little.

The best part about my revenge was that Caruso would pay,

and nobody would get hurt.

(Public Enemy's "Welcome to the Terrordome" plays)

* This is a journey

* I got so much trouble on my mind *

* Refuse to lose

* Here's your ticket

* Hear the drummer get wicked

* The crew to you to push the back to Black attack *

* So I sat... then slapped the Mac *

* Now I'm ready to mic it

* You know I like it * * Huh

* Hear my favoritism roll "Oh"

* Never be a brother like me go solo *

* Lazer, anastasia, maze ya

* Ways to blaze your brain and train ya *

* The way I'm livin', forgivin' what I'm givin' up *

* Respect's been givin' how's ya livin' *

* Now I can't protect a paid off defect *

* Check the record an reckon an intentional wreck *

* Played off as some intellect

* Made the call, took the fall, broke the laws *

* Not my fault that they're fallin' off *

* Known as fair and square throughout my years *

* So I growl at the livin' foul *

* Black to the bone, my home is your home *

* But welcome to the Terrordome *

* Number one jam * Get down *

* Come on down * Get down *

* Come on down...

My deed was done, and at home, my dad was undone.

Here you go.

$268?

To unclog a drain?

It wasn't just a clogged drain.

I had to replace a U pipe, your trap, washers,

your valves.

What the hell you been pouring down that drain anyway?

It smells like hot sauce.

It's Drainada.

Spanish Drano? Sí, Señor.

Do me a favor-- keep using that stuff.

It's good for business.

Do you take coupons?

Tragic, tragic!

All it took for my mother to clean Drew's gown

was a pair of scissors and a well-placed scarf.

Let's hear it

for our most popular student with a 2.0 grade point average,

Drew!

That's my brother!

Where'd he get that?

With that plumbing bill, I hope I didn't pay for it.

I made it from what was left of his gown.

Hey, Drew!

My family didn't get this excited

about anything I did until my first HBO special.

The next day I found out I had taken revenge

to a whole new level.

* School's out forever

* School's been blown to pieces... *

REPORTER: We're standing outside Corleone Junior High,

where just an hour ago,

toxic fumes filled the hallways and...

You're not telling me we're supposed to go back in there?

That is an awful smell. It's not toxic.

It's somewhere on the first floor, maybe the locker.

What's that?

* No more teachers' dirty looks... *

Where is she going?

Oh, my God!

GREG: It's like that movie

The Birds.

Except with cats.

That's my locker.

Open it.

Looks like we've got ourselves a little practical joker.

You think this is funny?

I do.

There's cat food in the heating ducts.

In the desks.

All over.

I didn't do this.

Oh, really? You think because this is the last day

of school, you're gonna get away with this?

You're sadly mistaken.

Not only are you not going to get away with it,

you'll be paying for this all summer.

What?!

Revenge might be cold, but I felt warm all over.

So how'd it go in there?

I don't got time for you, Bean Pie.

Bean Pie? Oh, I got your Bean Pie.

That's why you're spending the rest of the summer in detention.

What do you know about that?

Well, I know that this time you got detention.

Next time you might get kicked out of school.

You set me up?

Could have been me, or it could have been anybody.

All I know is that if I was you,

I wouldn't mess with me again.

See you in September, Spanky.

Oh, Chris.

I was just coming to see you.

You were

I've got some bad news.

You failed Science.

You have to go to summer school.

Summer school?!

Perhaps next year you'll study harder.

See you Monday... Booger.

Can't we all just get along?

* Everybody hates Chris...

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org