Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: In 1985, crime was on the rise everywhere,

and when I say "everywhere," I mean everywhere.

There was white-collar crime.

...swear before this committee that you will...

There was blue-collar crime.

There was even collard green crime.

Hey! Come back here with my pot liquor!

In Bed-Stuy, one crime was an epidemic--

chain snatching.

Everybody had a gold chain

and somebody was waiting to snatch it.

Nobody was safe.

Not young people...

Hey!

Not old people...

Oh!

Not even dead people.

I never had a gold chain because my parents

would never let me get one.

Gold chain? Is a gold chain gonna keep the house warm?

Is a gold chain gonna help you graduate? Is a gold chain

gonna get rid of my gout? Is a gold chain

gonna help clean this place up?

The only thing you need with a gold chain

is to lock up the gold gates on your gold house. Mmm.

Even though I didn't have a gold chain,

my father was right.

Vanessa, look out!

What did I do that for?

Boy, what's wrong with you?

Sorry, I didn't know. It was a reflex.

"Sorry" didn't do it. You did it.

Now, guess what.

You owe Malvo a gold chain.

Good thing I didn't stop him from stealing

a gold house.

Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

Tonya!

Tonya!

Come on, we gotta go!

While I was on the hook for a gold chain,

Tonya was on the line for the hookup!

What're you doing?

We gotta go to school.

Billy Ocean is coming to Radio City Music Hall

and the 98th caller wins tickets.

I faced the same odds whenever I called

to ask out a girl.

So, what caller are you?

I don't know, I keep getting a busy signal.

DJ: Hey! You're caller 98!

That's right, baby,

you are going to see Billy Ocean.

Well, come on. We're going to be late-- plus, you know

Mama don't like you on her phone.

We're giving away two tickets a day

all this week. Just be caller 98.

If you want to hear Billy Ocean sing live nowadays,

you can just call up Billy Ocean.

Hey there, Mrs. Rochelle.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Uh, the mailman left this letter for Mr. Julius

in my mailbox by mistake.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

By the way, I was wondering if I could

ask you a favor.

Sure.

You wouldn't happen to have

another pair of pantyhose I could borrow?

Pantyhose?

Borrow?

I need a new stocking cap for my hair.

Oh...

Okay, sure. You can have these.

Were you about to put these on,

or did you just take them off?

They're new, Mr. Omar.

Oh.

Okay, then.

Thanks.

Uh-huh.

I think he's disappointed.

My mother usually wouldn't open my father's mail...

unless she wanted to know what was inside.

"Attached is your new credit card.

Cardholder since 1970"?

Hey, baby.

Any mail?

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Here you go.

My mother told me there's two things you don't hide

from your wife-- extra women and extra money.

I was so afraid of Malvo I couldn't think straight.

What are you still doing here?

Just trying to figure something out.

You remember Malvo?

Malvo?

I thought he went to jail.

Well, he got out,

and this morning he tried to snatch a chain.

I saw him coming up on my friend,

but I didn't know it was him.

Don't tell me you warned her.

I warned her. Oh, man.

Don't you know if you see a crime

committed in New York City, you keep your mouth shut?

I don't care if you see Ronald Reagan

about to gun down the Pope, you don't tell!

Greg was a big fan of editorial cartoons.

It was a reflex. So you're sitting here?

Obviously he didn't kill you.

What'd he say?

: What'd you do that for?

Then what? Then I said...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It was a reflex.

And then he said,

"'Sorry' didn't do it. You did."

And then he put a finger in my chest and said,

"You're gonna get Malvo

a gold chain by tomorrow night."

And if you don't?

He said, "when you least expect it,

"I will be there.

"When you're in the shower...

Where's my chain?!

"...when you're watching TV...

Where's my chain?

Even in your dreams."

Chris, I just want to let you know,

I hate everybody else, but I love you.

Will you get me a soda?

Yeah.

Where's my chain?

That's so weird.

Guys in my neighborhood wear gold chains all the time,

You never hear about one getting snatched.

That's because it only happened once.

Black-on-black crime is nothing

compared to Italian- on-Italian crime.

This may sound crazy, but what if you

just buy one and give it to him?

I mean, how much do gold chains cost, anyway?

$300?!

Got any more ideas?

A bus ticket out of town only cost $35.

CHRIS ROCK: Since I couldn't afford to buy a chain,

I avoided Malvo to buy some time.

* Dooby do, run, run, run

* Dooby do, run, run, run *

* Dooby do

* Dooby do, don't spend a dime... *

I took every train.

* Dooby do, run, run, run

* Dooby do...

I took every bus.

* ...like we used to do

* Dooby do, run, run, run

No matter how hard I tried to avoid Malvo,

he always seemed to be around.

*

If I could've, I would've taken a underground railroad.

Is you running to the north?

No, I'm running from Malvo.

Malvo? You'd a been better off a slave.

Get on, now, and remember-- you ain't seen nothing.

To get the truth about my father's credit card,

my mother went straight to the source-- her friends.

Credit card? Yep.

And you didn't know anything about it?

Nope. Mm-hmm.

I know this one woman who caught her man lying about his height.

His height? His height?

His height. Yeah. He had shoe lifts.

Turns out, he had a whole other family.

That's all my mother needed to hear.

So are you gonna ask him about it?

What would she do that for?

Uh-uh. Don't you ask him nothing.

Just wait. See what he does.

You've got to be surreptitious

If he is waiting on that credit card, give him

a couple of days.

He'll start looking for it.

Tonya, get off the phone and come eat.

Back at home, my mother wasn't the only one

doing undercover work.

Boy, what you think this is, a stickup?

Take off that hat and take off

those glasses and act like you sitting at the table.

Who were you talking to?

I wasn't talking. I was trying to see

if I could to win tickets to see Billy Ocean.

I don't know why you keep calling-- you're not gonna win.

I hope you win,

'cause I can't afford to buy them.

No, who knows where we would get the money from.

I know that's right. Too bad we

don't have a credit card...

I am not getting a credit card

so we can buy some concert tickets.

So you're saying you don't want a credit card?

That's right. Mmm.

I wish I could've told

my father what was going on.

Run, Daddy! Run!

She's being surreptitious!

Oh, baby, well, I hope you win those tickets

because we sure are not

gonna buy them with a credit card.

Pass the syrup.

I was so good at sneaking around,

I thought about joining the CIA.

Hey!

Or maybe the D.O.A.

I got a question for you boy. What is today?

Uh... Wednesday?

Nah. Today is two days after the day before yesterday.

Malvo was an idiot savant--

98% idiot, two percent savant.

So the question is, where's my chain?

I don't have the money for a chain,

and I don't know where to get one.

They're generally found around necks.

Well, maybe I can get you something else.

Nah. I want a chain.

You know why? No .

Two reasons. A, since my most recent parole,

I'm limiting myself to Class A misdemeanors

and three, nobody needs a chain.

So I'm actually doing people a favor

by taking things that they don't need.

You could argue with his math,

but not with his logic.

All right, I'll get you one.

Oh, I know you will,

or else I'm gonna have to commit

a Class B misdemeanor on you, and you don't want that.

He was right, considering a class B misdemeanor

is cockfighting.

Look, I know you don't want to do it, but you got no choice.

You're gonna have to snatch a chain.

You know what my parents'd do to me if they found out I was

a chain snatcher? So what about Malvo?

You just going to go back to him tomorrow and say,

"I don't know where you're getting your chain from,

but you're not getting it from me"?

I can't do this.

I don't know anything about chain snatching.

What's there to know?

The directions are on the title.

You see a chain, you snatch it.

I couldn't help but think, if I did actually snatch a chain,

something would go wrong.

Freeze! FBI! Show me your hands!

Get on your knees now!

We got you now, you little chain snatcher.

Frisk him! Make sure he got

no chains on him.

You want to get away? Don't try to move.

A jury of your peers has found you guilty of chain snatching.

I sentence you to death by electric chair.

Boy, I ought to beat the legs off of you!

You better take him to the chair!

Did the governor call, yet?

No, my man, but check this out.

I gotta pick my brother up at 12:00,

so if you really don't mind,

why don't we just go ahead and do this, all right?

Better him than me.

(kicking, stomping, groaning)

Feels good to be right for a change.

CHRIS ROCK: When surreptition didn't work, my mother tried confrontation.

Hello.

Hey, baby.

You must think I'm stupid.

Oh, yeah. Rochelle is just...

an idiot!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

She don't know what goes on in this house.

And I damn sure

ain't going to tell her.

Is that what you tell your little Puerto Rican mami?

Huh

Did you take them on vacation and buy

45 cent worth of this?

$1.49 worth of that?

With your credit card?!

A credit card?

Your credit card.

Oh, yeah. Be a man about it, Julius!

It's got your name on it.

Oh! Oh! And you know what else it says, Julius?

It says "Cardholder

since 1970"!

That means that for 15 years,

you've been hiding this from me!

So what do you have

to say for yourself, Julius?

Don't you say another word!

¿Comprende, papi?!

Oh, you been hiding a credit card.

What else are you hiding?

Oh. Is Julius really your name?

Oh, maybe you're the Green River Killer?

Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried?

Who shot Kennedy?

For all I know,

you could be Batman!

I am not Batman.

I'm Batman.

Julius, I need to know the truth.

You can't handle the truth!

Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.

Why not?! Do you know how many times we could have used it?!

That's why I couldn't tell you about it.

I didn't want another bill, baby.

Oh. Okay, Mr. Responsibility, Mr. Fiscally Conservative,

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide

Things From His Wife,

answer this for me:

since you're so against credit cards,

why do you have one?

Ask your friends at the beauty shop.

Why do you keep calling that station, Tonya?

You're not going to win.

Why don't you just quit? Shut up.

Oh, it's ringing!

Tonya wasn't just waiting for concert tickets.

She was waiting for Billy Ocean tickets.

And she would wait as long as it took.

Dang, girl, you still trying to get Billy Ocean tickets?

Yeah. He's opening for Usher at the Beacon.

Hello.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Hey. You're caller number 97.

Sorry, baby.

You're caller number 98!

WOMAN: Oh! Oh! You playing! You playing!

Told you.

Are you playing me? I'm going to see Billy Ocean!

Am I really going to see Billy Ocean?

Come on, man. Don't be playing.

Dad, do you have a minute?

Sure. What is it?

Well, you know my friend Greg?

He has a problem. I want to help him.

What kind of problem?

Well, there's this guy who wants him to snatch

a chain for him.

Snatch a chain?

That's stealing.

People work hard for what they have.

Thief, murderer--

it's all the same in my book.

Right. Which is why he doesn't want to do it.

But, if he doesn't, the guy is going to beat him up.

But, if he does, he's going to go to jail.

He's going to get beat up anyway.

So he can get beat up for breaki the law,

or beat up for not breaking the law.

But, at least, if he doesn't break the law,

the other guy will go to jail, and he'll get beat up instead.

Huh?

So should he snatch the chain or not snatch the chain?

Not snatch the chain.

Why didn't you just say that?

Oh. Thanks.

I'll tell Greg what you said.

Why didn't Greg ask his own father for help?

'Cause he didn't know what he was going to do.

Well, tell him don't do nothing stupid.

Okay.

Drew didn't know what it felt like to lose,

but he hated the way it looked on Tonya.

Give me the phone.

ANNOUNCER: Hey. What's your name?

Tonya.

Tonya. Hey, I'm sorry to tell you this, baby,

but you're caller number 98!

You're going to see Billy Ocean!

Drew was so lucky,

one time a horse tried to take his shoe for good luck.

Meanwhile, when my mother was upset with my father,

she would do everything mad, like mad-folding...

Lying to me 15 years!

Hiding a credit card!

And mad-cooking...

Got some woman spending money I'm supposed to be spending!

And mad-sleeping...

Buying somebody else real leather...

Letting the storm subside wasn't working,

so my father had to walk into the eye of the hurricane.

Rochelle, I don't want you be mad at me.

Hah! Should have thought about that 15 years ago.

Why am I always the last to know?

Here I am, worried about where you are, what you're doing,

and who you're doing it with.

You're supposed to be my man.

You turn out being The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

I can explain.

Look, 15 years ago, I was flat broke and needed money.

That's no different than 15 seconds ago.

Mm-hmm.

The department store was giving these things away.

Hah! Really? Did they give you tips on where to hide it?

I bought one thing, and it took seven years to pay off.

What about the other eight years, Julius?

Every time I tried to cancel the card,

they just sent me a new one and raised the limit.

Okay, Mr. A+ on your FICA score,

what did you buy that was so important

that I had to wait 15 years to find out about?!

Your wedding ring.

For the first time in 15 years,

my father got my mother to shut up.

I'm sorry.

I should have told you.

Here's what he really wanted to say:

Hah! In your face!

You wrong, you wrong, you wrong and I am right!

Uh!

Uh! Uh! Uh! Ah!

I'm right, I'm right, I'm right, I'm right,

I'm right, I'm right, I'm right!

And, out on the street,

I had finally gotten my nerve up.

You got my chain?

No.

I'm not getting you one either.

Boy, you think I'm playing with you!

Let him go.

Who you supposed to be?

Dad, it's okay.

Dad?

He wasn't surprised that was my father.

That was just the first father he had ever seen.

So I'm supposed to be afraid 'cause you brought

your daddy out here?

No, you're supposed to be scared because,

if you ever put your hands on my son again,

you ain't going to jail.

I'm going to jail.

What you going to do?

You'll find out what I'm going to do.

You think I'm playing?

When you're in the shower, I'm going to be there.

You think I'm playing?

When you're watching TV, I'm going to be there.

Think I'm playing?

Even in your dreams, I'm going to be there.

Mr. Malvo, you're free to go.

Case dismissed.

What I tell you, dude? Hey!

You think I'm playing?

Yeah. That's all right.

It's going to be all right!

You lucky I don't know my daddy.

That was the slogan for the Bed-Stuy Boys' Club.

Dad, how did you know I was talking about me and not Greg?

Chris, white kids don't snatch chains.

Lucky for me, snatching chains was fading out.

Unfortunately, it was replaced by a new crime...

carjacking.

Vanessa, look out!

Man, you owe me a car!

* Everybody hates Chris. *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

* Oh... make it funky now!