Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: When I was 14,

it seemed like all I did was work.

I worked at school.

* We're not scared to lose at all *

* Security throw through the wall *

"Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers

"brought forth from this continent a new nation,

"conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition

that all men are created equal."

I worked at home.

* Unless we're clinging to the things we prize *

* And do you feel scared? I do *

Sometimes I even went sleep-working.

* And if we threw it all away

* Things can only get better

But the one thing I always did for fun was go to the movies.

Man, did you see Purple Rain?

Yes!

"Why don't you stay awhile, see how it's done?"

Man, did you see Rambo?

Yeah.

"Do we get to win this time, sir?"

Man, did you see Beverly Hills Cop?

"Here, why don't you go ahead and take this banana?"

The one big movie I missed was Ghostbusters.

"I got slimed."

"Man, that chick is toast."

Are they still talking about Ghostbusters?

Yeah. It's only the biggest movie out this year.

I can't believe you haven't seen it.

Have you seen it? No.

Well, then what are you talking about?

I thought you saw everything.

I kept missing it.

Now the only place it's still playing

is the dollar theater.

But popcorn still cost eight bucks.

And this is the last week.

Maybe we can catch it on Saturday.

It leaves Thursday. Forget it.

We'll just have to see it

when it comes out on video in four years.

Back then, that was quick.

I'm not waiting four years.

Class...

I just want to let you know that I won't be here tomorrow

because I have a funeral to attend.

Who died?

My sister.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Thank you, Chris.

It's hard because I don't have

19 or 20 other siblings like you.

What'd she die of?

She died of a bad case of grammar.

Watch those prepositions.

Greg, you know what?

I think we can go see this movie.

Well, how are we going to do that?

Cut school.

I ain't afraid of no ghosts.

* Aw, make it funky now!

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Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

CHRIS ROCK: In my neighborhood,

most kids' parents didn't get involved at school,

so whenever my mother had the time, she would.

I'm coming up to your school tomorrow

to help out with the book fair.

Are you going to help at my bookmark table?

I'll try, baby.

When are you coming?

Around 9:00. Why?

Oh... nothing.

No "nothing." What's wrong?

Well, I just don't want you

calling me "sweetie" and stuff like that.

Last time you came,

people made fun of me for a week.

Why don't you just call him Joe Rockhead?

That's what all my friends call him.

That's 'cause your friends smell like hot toilet bowls.

You smell like underarm and booty crack. Hey, stop it.

We're eating.

Well, don't worry, Drew.

I won't do anything to embarrass you.

Thank you, Mom.

Because I was planning to cut school,

I was acting guiltier

than Michael Richards at an NAACP meeting.

Chris, when can I come up to your school?

Not tomorrow.

Um, not tomorrow.

Nothing's going on, anyway. I wasn't asking about tomorrow.

Just in general.

I know, I'm just saying

that nothing's going on tomorrow.

What, are you embarrassed about me, too?

No, I'm not embarrassed. Then what's your problem?

I don't have a problem. Then why can't I come up to your school?

You can come up to the school, just not tomorrow.

Well, what's the big deal about tomorrow?

Nothing-- that's what I've been trying to tell you.

That's not what I asked you.

I know, I'm just saying that tomorrow nothing's going on.

Then why are you making a federal case out of it?

I'm not. You are.

Mom, when you can come up to the school, I'll let you know.

Okay. Okay.

That went well.

Okay, um...

Daddy, can you come up to our school, too?

No, baby, I have to renew my driver's license tomorrow.

Baby, I thought you did that already.

Mm-mm. A new license costs 17.50.

And I'm not giving them people my money until I have to.

My father waited until the last possible moment

to pay for everything-- and I mean everything.

Your meter's only got a minute left.

When that quarter runs out, I'll put in this one.

Baby, you're almost out of gas.

When that gas runs out, I'll put in some new gas.

Push.

Push.

Julius, would you just pay the man, please?!

Push.

When the baby's all the way out, I'll give him all the money.

Well, you better get up there early

'cause you know how those lines are.

Yeah, I'm going to be there when the door opens.

I'm going to take my picture, pay my 17.50

and be back home by 9:00.

While my father was trying to cut costs,

I was trying to cut class.

Man, this is going to be so cool.

Wait, you never cut school before?

I've had perfect attendance since kindergarten.

Well, listen, if you don't want to do this, I understand.

I wouldn't want to mess up your record.

Nah, it's cool.

Who knew that in the future this one unexplained absence

would keep Greg from getting into Harvard?

If we get caught, I can just say it was your fault.

Same thing happened to Colin Powell.

The only thing I'm worried about is, what if people miss us?

Like who?

They only person that'll miss you is me.

The only person that'll miss me is you.

Things aren't much different now.

What about when they take attendance?

Oh, I got Pedro to cover for us.

Chris. Aqui.

Meanwhile, my father was there bright and early

to beat the line at the DMV.

Too late.

Hey, where do you think you're going?

I'm going to renew my license.

Well, get in line.

This is the line to renew your driver's license?

No, this is the line for tickets

to see Scritti Politti.

Yeah, this is the line.

Man, all these people.

I thought I was gonna be out of here in an hour.

Ha! Try three.

Make that three and a half.

While my father was getting in line,

my mother was about to get out of line.

Well, Rochelle, all I need you to do is to help the children

pick out a book, and then send them to the front to pay for it.

That's it?

That's it. I have everything else under control.

No, you don't.

I could've stayed at home for this.

Back at school it was lunchtime.

Today's special was "Running Like Hell."

You ready? Ready.

All right, now just be cool and keep walking.

My biggest worry at this point

was that the cops would think I was chasing Greg.

CHRIS ROCK: While we were cutting class,

Greg was sweating like Lil Kim in Sunday School.

You think they know we're gone?

The only one that would even notice is Caruso.

He can just beat somebody else up.

What's that?

I was up all night

packing for everything we might need.

I've got peanut butter sandwiches

in case we get hungry,

I've got some wet naps in case we get sticky

from the peanut butter sandwiches,

I brought a compass in case we get lost,

some extra water, Rolaids, aspirin,

a traveling toothbrush...

Greg, we're going to the movies, not Gilligan's Island.

If we did, Greg would have got with Mrs. Howell.

Hold on.

For my "cutting school" scrapbook.

Smile.

Greg saw that picture on eBay last week for $500.

Only problem with my mother helping at a book fair

was she didn't read books .and she wasn't fair.

Girl, does your mother know you're over here

reading grown

Give me that.

Flowers in the Attic.

Now that sounds nice. Read that.

You done lost your Jackie Collins mind.

And don't cut your eyes at me, either.

Boy, don't you know you are too big for a coloring book?

White kids your age

are building sculptures by now and you're over here

trying to stay inside the lines.

Come on, Picasso.

Get to chippin'.

Come on. Chip on.

Chip, chip, chip. Chip, chip, chip.

You shouldn't be embarrassed that your boy only has

a fifth grade reading level.

You should be embarrassed that he's 27.

He should be reading War and Peace,

not Horton Hears a Who.

Here. Here you go.

Hey, baby, how's it going?

Mom...

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.

I didn't mean to call you "baby." Mom!

Honey, I... Mom, just be quiet.

What are y'all laughing at, with your hoop earrings on?

Let's see if your mother's giggling

when you're bringing home babies.

: Who's laughing now, huh?

It ain't funny no more, is it?

Come on over here, girl. Buy some lemonade.

It's good. My baby made it.

The line was getting shorter,

and so was my father's patience.

What?!

You'd think they were married.

May I help you?

You got people out here. You can't just go to lunch.

People have stuff to do.

Then why don't you come back another day?

Because my license expires today.

Well, then I guess you're just gonna have to wait.

And don't bang on this door again.

She's lucky he didn't bang on her head.

The weirdest thing about being out of school on a school day

was plain and simple: no kids.

This feels strange, like everyone's staring at us.

Almost like being a black kid at an all

Enjoy the show.

Um, two tickets for Ghostbusters, please?

Two dollars.

Why aren't you kids in school?

: Uh... see, it's, uh...

Uh...

It's a black, uh... holiday.

Yeah.

Yeah

Yeah, Chris,

which one?

Uh...

The Autobiography...

of Miss Jane Pittman Day.

Hm.

Great woman.

She was a credit to your race.

And Howdy Doody's a credit to yours.

What are you doing here?

I'm an octoroon.

In that case, only one-eighth of him

should be off from school.

Okay. Enjoy the show.

Happy holidays.

If I made it past this guy, I would finally get to see

Ernie Hudson's best work.

Meanwhile, at the DMV,

my father was playing the waiting game,

and he was losing.

MAN : 126, window "A."

37, "D."

37, "D."

42, window "F."

Number 25?

Anyone in line to take the driver's test,

the line forms outside...

Can I help you?

Yes, you can help me.

I'm here to renew my license.

WOMAN: Number 127, window "F."

127, window "F."

This license is expired.

No, it's not.

It expires today.

It expired today at 10:00 a.m.

It is almost 2:00.

Yeah, but I been standing in line since 7:45 a.m.

Are you one of those people that likes to wait

until the last minute to pay?

No, I'm one of those people who likes to wait

until the last four hours and 15 minutes to pay!

Would you like a dime so you can call someone who cares?

I can't believe he didn't take the dime.

Please, can't I just give you my money and go?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Right after you take your written test.

Wha...? I've been driving for over 20 years.

I know the rules of the road.

My father knew the rules

of the road, but they were his rules.

In a construction zone, you speed up.

When pedestrians are entering the crosswalk...

...speed up.

At a railroad crossing, you really speed up.

In the meantime, my mother decided to give Tonya

a lesson in making the hard sell.

Hey. What's wrong, baby?

Nobody's buying my bookmarks.

So what, you're just gonna sit here and mope?

I don't know what else to do.

Well, these bookmarks ain't gonna sell themselves.

Especially because you can use

any piece of paper for free. If people ain't coming to the bookmarks,

you take the bookmarks to the people-- take that side.

Lift it higher, girl.

That was a bigger fire hazard

than pyrotechnics at a Great White concert.

Hey, girl, you got a bookmark?

No, thank you, I don't need one.

Oh, okay, Miss Evelyn Wood.

I guess you're just gonna speed-read

through the whole book.

And who are you?

Oh, who are you? With your magic book

that just stays open to whatever page you leave it on.

Excuse me, I got to go.

Girl, you need to go with your cheap behind.

You can't spend 25 cents on a bookmark?

Did you spend all your money on cookies?

No! I did not spend

my money on cookies, if it's any business of yours.

I bought a book.

Oh, really? What's it about, crushing dreams?

'Cause that's exactly what you're doing.

Fine! I'll take one.

Thank you. Here you go.

Bye.

Lay off the cookies.

I wonder what they're doing at school.

Feeling like suckers.

On behalf of the Corleone Junior High students

I'd like to welcome a very special guest--

Earth, Wind & Fire!

Yeah, suckers!

WOMAN: Shh! Yeah.

Excuse me, can you be quiet?

Ms. Morello?

I thought you were at a funeral.

No, stupid-- she's at yours.

Chris, I'm sorry for shushing you.

I know your people can't help talking in the movies.

Why aren't you in school?

I wonder if she'd believe .it was Chicken George Day.

Well, we just finished lunch,

and we figured we'd get

a little popcorn, and, well, now

we're on our way back to school.

Chris, please, don't insult my intelligence.

It's obvious you and Gregory are playing hooky.

I don't mean to be disrespectful, but what are you doing here?

Well, Greg... Hey, baby.

I got the popcorn.

You want Junior Mints or Goobers?

I got both. You're on a date?

Chris, we all grieve in our own way.

Grieve

Did you go to the funeral, too? What funeral?

So you lied about your sister dying?

Yes. Your sister died?

No. How could you do that?

That's neither here nor there.

The fact is, you shouldn't be here.

Well, I'm sorry-- I just wanted to see this movie.

I didn't think missing one day of school would hurt.

Chris, I know you must be a big Ernie Hudson fan--

Thalmus is, too--

but do you think Ernie Hudson

cut school to go see

Gary Coleman movies while he was growing up?

Gary Coleman made a movie?

And, Greg, you should be ashamed of yourself.

You can see a white man in a movie anytime.

Sorry. Come on, Greg, let's go.

Chris, wait.

Stay. Are you serious?

Yes. But don't you ever let me find out

you've done anything like this again, you understand?

Yes, ma'am.

Could you not mention that you saw me here?

Yes, ma'am.

Nice meeting you.

: Enjoy the movie.

Yeah.

Back at the DMV, my father was DOA.

I'm sorry, sir, you fail.

What do you mean, fail?

Let me see that!

What's wrong with this one?

Speed limit in a school zone is 25, not 50.

Not if he's late.

Fine. I'll do it again.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm going to take the test.

You got to get in line, get a number,

wait for that number to be called,

proceed to my counter, where I will give you a new exam

and then you can go to the testing area.

I have to do this again?!

If you want a license.

WOMAN : Number 157, Window "B."

Good thing she can't read minds.

42!

"It...

"was... the...

"beast of...

"times.

"It...

"was... the...

"roast...

of times."

I mean, my God, boy, did you eat

a bowl of lead paint for breakfast?

Go on and sit down and let one of these

other illiterates take a crack at it.

Excuse me, can I speak to you for a minute?

Oh, I'm sorry, is there a problem?

Yes. You.

MAN : 26, window "A."

Drive safely.

Thank you.

Here you go.

Oh, you don't pay me.

That's the line to go pay.

59!

Hey, baby. Where you been all day?

: Getting my license.

It was horrible.

Remind me to renew early next time.

How was it at school?

Mom got kicked out.

What?

Yeah, they called the cops and everything.

Yeah, we had to beg for them to let her go.

Why are you arresting me?!

You should be arresting these teachers!

Please let my mama go!

Kids at a book fair that can't read!

Oh, get her out of here! I should call Jesse Jackson!

Jesse!

What happened? Those people don't know how

to run a book fair, that's what happened.

Chris, how was your day?

The hardest thing about having such a great day

was pretending it never happened.

What do you mean?

What do you mean, what do I mean? It's a simple question.

I know.

Okay. Okay what?

Did anything interesting happen in school today?

Like what?

Like I don't know.

You were there all day-- that's why I'm asking you.

Nothing happened.

Why didn't you just say that?

After getting away with cutting school today,

I was thinking about seeing Brewster's Millions tomorrow.

Chris, how many times do I have to tell you

to hang up your jacket when you come in?

WOMAN : I am standing here with Verdine White

of legendary R&B group Earth, Wind & Fire,

who did an impromptu concert today for the lucky kids

at Corleone Junior High.

Verdine, how was it?

WHITE: It was really great. "Ghostbusters"?

But the only sad thing, though, I heard there was

a black kid named Chris at the school,

but he wasn't here.

WOMAN: Well, that's too bad for Chris.

Reporting live, I'm Julie Lancaster at Corleone

Junior High.

Back to you, Bob, at the studio.

So nothing happened in school today, huh?

Uh, uh...

Who you gonna call?

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org