Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: Most days at school

were usually the same.

I got there at the same time,

I saw the same kids. Hey, Chris.

Hey, Greg.

Hey, Ebony.

Ivory.

And I took the same classes with the same teachers.

So did you hear?

Ms. Morello's gonna be gone for, like, two or three weeks.

What?

Yeah. She went on a trip to Africa

to help fight off an outbreak of yellow fever.

It was more like she went to Harlem to fight off

an outbreak of jungle fever.

* Get your groove on, get your groove on *

* Come on...

With Ms. Morello gone,

we had every kind of substitute imaginable.

We had out-of-work actors...

: "To be... or not to be.

That... is the question."

...we had out-of-work dancers...

Can one of you kids get that bucket of water

and throw it on me?

...and, sometimes, we had out-of-work teachers.

Enjoy this while you still can,

'cause, believe me, it's all downhill from here.

We'd had just about every type of sub we could think of...

...except one-- a black sub.

Good morning. I'm Mr. Newton.

More like Mr. Tibbs.

What's your name?

Joey Caruso.

And you're making fun of me because I'm black?

Yeah, you big dummy.

He does it to me every day.

No, sir.

Sounds like it to me.

Sorry.

If you want to make fun of me, fine.

But make fun of me for what I do, not how I look.

You don't see me making fun of you

because you look like a Brooklyn Beach Barney Rubble.

No, sir.

This black sub is a bad mother... * Shut your mouth!

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And the stock market crashed.

It was unprecedented.

Can you imagine putting all your money in a piggy bank,

and then one day it's gone?

It was nice to have another black person at school

who wasn't asked to carry a mop.

For once, I thought I'd have it better than everybody else.

Gregory, A-minus. Stellar.

Yes!

Donald, C-plus. You're getting there.

Hold on a second.

What is this?

B-minus! All right!

You're happy with this grade?

I usually don't do this well in math.

Really?

Do you know who Sam Graddy is?

No.

Sam Graddy finished second behind Carl Lewis

in the 100-meter dash at the Summer Olympics.

So?

Sam Graddy is

the second-fastest man alive

and it doesn't mean a damn thing.

Sam Graddy doesn't have a Wheaties box,

no shoe endorsement, no Sam Graddy running shorts;

not even a pair of Sam Graddy socks.

Sam Graddy couldn't even get his own name

on his driver's license.

They gave him one that says "Carl Lewis."

B-minus. Huh.

Wait, what are you doing?

B-minus... F.

All the same.

No, no, no, it's not.

One's a pass and one's a fail.

Not for you.

You think I'm sitting here because of making B

No, I think you're sitting here because my real teacher is gone.

You getting smart?

Is that a trick question?

He's got a gun.

My resume.

Harvard, Stanford, Oxford.

Mumford.

So if you're so smart, why are you still substitute teaching?

Because, every now and then, I need someone who needs me.

And, Chris, that someone is you.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to get some brains

into that head of yours.

And I'm going to put a brick upside that head of yours.

You keep that resume as a reminder.

Oh, hey, I forgot my test.

Oh, C. Way to go.

I guess that was his way

of keeping the white man down.

Nothing made Drew unwind better than watching hockey,

and nothing could wind him up

quicker than Tonya.

I'm watching hockey.

Simon and Simon is on.

Well, too bad. I was here first.

Stop.

Ma, Drew hit me!

What are you talking about?

I barely touched you.

What is going on in here?

Drew hit me.

Did you hit your sister?

No, Ma,

I was watching the hockey game and...

I don't care what game you were watching?

I'm raising men in this house, and men do not hit women.

That meant you couldn't hit a girl

even if you were supposed to hit her.

You better not hit that girl.

Well, since you feel the need to hit on people,

I better not see you watching TV for the next three days.

Now just go

take your butt upstairs.

And with that, Tonya learned the magic words.

She could do anything she wanted,

as long as it was followed by "Drew hit me."

TONYA: Ma! What's going on in here?

I'm trying to take Drew's sock and he hit me.

Boy, you better give her your sock.

Ma! What is going on in here?

I was trying to take Drew's breakfast and he hit me.

Boy, you better give her your breakfast.

Ma! What is going on in here?

I'm trying to break Drew's arm and he hit me.

Boy, you better let her break your arm.

Ow! Ow!

Every time we saw Mr. Omar

he wanted to borrow something.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Oh, hey, Mr. Julius.

Can I help you?

Well, you know, I was about to go and use the pay phone

to make a phone call,

but since you're home, I might as well use your phone.

What happened to your phone?

To tell you the truth, I don't know.

I do.

If he's not going to talk to me,

he's not going to talk to anybody.

He's lucky she didn't work for the electric company.

It's not a long-distance call, is it?

Oh, no, it's local.

Yeah, all right, go ahead.

Thank you-- you a gentleman and a scholar.

Tell one of the kids to let you out.

While Mr. Omar was dialing his number,

I was trying to make sense of Mr. Newton's numbers.

Chris, algebraic equations use mathematical statements

to describe the relationship between things

that vary over time.

Like, X means I'm confused.

I still don't understand.

Exactly.

That's algebra-- the math of the unknown.

Well, I must be doing great, because I don't know it.

Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know.

And everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me.

He taught me language...

Veni, vidi, vici-- "I came, I saw, I conquered."

Eenie, meenie, miney, mo-- catch a tiger by the toe.

He taught me history.

The Vitruvian Man.

The hangman. Pick a letter.

He taught me science.

Your turn.

Got anything bigger?

Please don't kill me in the name of science-- ribbet!

Is a B!

No, sir!

Do you want to learn?! Yes, sir!

Do you want to quit?!

No, sir!

You want to go to another school?! No, sir!

Why?!

'Cause I have no other place to go!

Then you better answer my question:

What's A squared plus B squared?

C squared.

I can't hear you!

C squared...

: Its C squared.

That's right.

That's what I'm talking about.

That was the worst wet T-shirt contest ever.

Hey, man, what's going on with you?

You look a mess.

And how long is he going to make you wear that shirt?

I don't know.

Probably until I get an A or until he leaves.

Well, he's only got about another week.

Class...

I just wanted to let you all know

that I've accepted a permanent position here at Corleone.

And that position is in my behind.

Ma, Drew's watching TV.

Didn't I tell you no TV?

I was reading. I didn't even turn it on.

I don't care who turned it on.

Now go to your room.

Tonya got more people in trouble

than a white girl at an NBA after-party.

My father already had two jobs when he took on a third--

Mr. Omar's receptionist.

Hello.

Mr. Omar?

Yeah, I guess I can get him for you.

Hold on.

Back at school, I was holding on, too.

Just a reminder that, next week, I will be conducting

practice exams for the statewide

scholastic test.

The exam he's talking about was critically important.

This exam is critically important.

This exam is critically important.

So I advise all of you to study hard.

Especially you, Chris.

Man, I can't believe this.

The guy's going to kill me.

It's not like I didn't have it bad enough

coming to this school from the other side of town,

having the kids kick the crap out of me.

But now the teacher's going to kick the crap out of me, too.

Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy.

I didn't like him at first

because of the whole black thing,

but I'm doing better at math now.

And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it.

Chris, may I have a word with you?

Yes, sir.

This upcoming test

is a measure of your overall abilities as a student.

And if you don't score in the 90th percentile,

I'm going to recommend that you repeat eighth grade.

What?! You can't do that.

I can and I will.

Are you serious?

As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.

Stop showing off-- just say heart attack.

I don't know how I'm going to do it, but this guy's got to go.

Maybe you could score in the 90th percentile

and he'll have a catastrophic cardiac infarction.

Stop showing off.

Just say "heart attack."

He fell down the elevator shaft?

Tragic.

Excuse me, Mr. Omar.

Hold on, Mr. Julius.

Oh, he wanted to hold on, all right.

I'm holding on now.

Now, who you gonna call, huh?

OMAR : Let go.

Tragic. : Yeah.

Tragic...

I need to make a call.

I'm almost off.

He better be, because it's almost on.

: No.

That's what he here for.

For the next few days, all I did was study

for that test and try to figure out a way

to get rid of Mr. Newton.

I could call the feds

and say Mr. Newton was working for the Mob.

(engine revving, tires screeching)

There he is. Come on, get him.

Let's move.

I could call the Mob

and say Mr. Newton was working for the feds.

Come with us! Get in!

Or I could call his wife

and say he had a white woman on the side.

There she is! Get her!

No!

One way or another, he had to go.

What's up with you, man?

You been looking kind of tired lately.

Let me ask you a question.

How do you get rid of somebody

that's been giving you problems?

Now, when you say "get rid of,"

do you mean get "rid" of "rid of,"

or just rid of?

Just get rid of.

He has a job, and I don't want him to have it.

Boy, you better watch what you're talking about, boy!

You make a mistake, boy--

You want to talk about this first, or what?!

I didn't touch you.

It's my substitute teacher.

Oh. Oh... Well, then, in that case,

what do you know about him?

Well, mostly... just this.

What is this?

His resume.

While the ghetto Rambo worked with me,

the ghetto Gretzky worked on my ma.

Hey, Ma, can I watch the big game?

No. You should have thought about that

before you hit your sister.

Ma, I didn't hit her.

What do you call it then?

She was trying to take the remote away,

and I just tapped her on the wrist.

So you hit her.

I guess.

Just a little. But she started it.

That does not matter, Drew.

You do not hit girls.

Bottom line,

do you understand me?

My mother ruined any chance

Drew had of becoming a pimp.

Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Okay.

Now go watch your hockey game.

Thanks, Ma.

"Corleone Junior High School letter of resignation."

Do you think this will work?

Of course it'll work, or my name ain't Monk.

His name's not Monk.

His name was Jimmy.

Since I was tired of taking the heat from Newton,

the best thing to do was get him fired.

All it took was a simple equation:

"A" plus "B" equals "See ya!"

No! No!

Oh, I love talking to you, too.

Oh, yeah, call me anytime-- anytime.

All right. All right, now.

Hey, listen.

If Mrs. Perkins calls, just say I'm not home.

You're not.

You're on it.

You don't miss a thing, Mr. Julius.

You ready for the test?

As ready as I'll ever be.

Especially if I don't have to take it.

Ms. Morello!

Oh, Chris, you're still here!

I was so afraid the system would have brought you down by now.

We thought you were in Africa.

I was, but there was a civil war.

A war?

Fortunately, they found a way

for all the white people to get out.

Same thing happened in New Orleans.

Chris, I love your shirt.

What does it stand for?

B-minus.

Oh! B-minus.

I love that black street slang.

So what else

did I miss around here?

Well, we were supposed to

have a practice test on the statewide exam today.

Oh, forget about that test.

I want to show you the gifts I brought back.

GREG: Gifts?

For you, I brought back a shield

and a spear.

What did you get me?

What is that?

It's a bone.

For your nose, silly.

By the way,

do you know a guy named Induku?

Actually, I did, but I didn't want

to give her the satisfaction.

At home, Drew was trying to watch hockey,

and wishing that Tonya would just shut the puck up.

I want to watch Airwolf.

Mom said I could watch hockey.

Mom, Drew hit me again!

No, he didn't.

But he was going to.

Oh, he's not the only one.

Upstairs.

We need to talk.

My mother said boys couldn't hit girls,

but she could.

Turn that up.

ANNOUNCER: In front, all alone! He shoots! Scores!

Hello.

Who?

Miz Perkins?

What?

Mr. Omar.

Where?

He's upstairs.

Yeah.

Okay.

Bye.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

¿Como estas?

Muy bien.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

You know, Mr. Julius,

you didn't have to do that.

If you didn't want me to use your phone,

why didn't you just say so?

Sorry.

Sorry?

That was just wrong, man.

You sorry...

The bald cut is sorry.

Mr. Omar learned what dope dealers knew for years:

If you want to keep your business to yourself,

use a pay phone.

Mr. Newton.

What are you doing here?

I came to give you your practice exam.

I don't have to take that test.

Or let you in.

You're not my teacher anymore.

Remember? You quit.

How do you know I quit?

May I help you?

Don't help him. Help me!

I'm sorry. I'm Mr. Newton.

I've been Chris' substitute teacher the past few weeks.

Oh, that's right, yeah.

Chris has said a lot about you.

Is there a problem?

Yeah, woman. A crazy man is trying

to give me a test at home.

Not at all.

I've been preparing Chris for a practice test,

and I wasn't able to give him the exam before...

Before I got rid of your crazy ass.

...before I left Corleone.

I just want to make sure he's ready.

Well, why are you doing this?

I think Chris is a smart kid,

but I think he can do better.

Ma? Better get in there and take that test.

Mm! Nice satchel.

It's real leather.

Really?

So, the most remarkable thing happened today.

What's that?

I got a job offer from Lamont

Sanford Junior high.

Oh! Well, that's good.

Funny thing is,

I never applied for a job at Lamont Sanford.

Well, maybe they heard about you through the grapevine.

Hey, you wouldn't happen

to still have that copy of my resume

that I gave you?

Uh... No.

You know what? I probably lost it.

Oh, yeah... you lost it.

You ready?

Yeah.

Remember Sam Graddy.

You have one hour, starting

now.

Although I didn't want Mr. Newton as my teacher,

I knew somebody that would appreciate him.

Pencil down.

So, how did he do?

I'll let you know in a minute.

I didn't know how I scored,

but I knew Carl Lewis didn't beat me.

92, Chris. That's an "A."

Oh, baby, that's great!

I knew you could do it.

No, she didn't.

Congratulations, Chris.

Thanks, but it doesn't make any difference.

I mean, it doesn't count.

Yes, it does.

Mr. Newton wore me down,

but he was one of the first teachers I'd ever had

that expected me to do better, not worse.

The next time I saw Mr. Newton, he was excited to see me.

Get off me!

Hey, what happened?

Let me have a quarter.

Teacher got shot, man.

You! You did this to me!

I didn't know you were going to get shot.

You sent me to this hellhole!

This is your fault!

Oh, you just going to stand there?!

I know where you live!

I tried to teach you!

I tried to help... get your hands off of...

I know who your people is!

Tried to help you!

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org