Original subtitles

* Freeze frame!

You remembered to put an extra pair of socks on, right?

Yes, ma'am.

WEATHERMAN : Today in New York City,

expect a lot of snow, and it's coming down fast.

We've had six inches reported the last hour in Manhattan

and four inches in Park Slope.

Mom, do I have to go to school?

I mean, it's snowing like crazy.

It's snow, Chris, not Armageddon,

Now hurry up.

You know the buses are going to be running slow.

Go.

CHRIS ROCK: Because my mother wanted us

to get the best education possible,

as long as school was open, we had to go no matter what.

Ooh, baby.

Your temperature is 103.

Can I stay home from school?

No. Just put this ice pack under your hat.

You'll be all right.

Ooh, baby, I think you got food poisoning.

Can I stay home from school?

No. Drink this ipecac.

You'll be all right.

While I was on the road,

Drew and Tonya were on the couch.

Okay, come on, y'all, let's go.

...and Saint Seraphim Elementary.

In Bedford Stuyvesant, latest school closings

include Linville Elementary,

Lamont Sanford Junior High, and Dolemite Elementary.

Ooh, yes!

School is closed! Yeah!

: We're staying home from school. It's cold out there.

We're staying home from school. What's going on?

Our school just closed.

What? Yeah, we get to stay home.

Yeah! Where's Chris?

He already left.

His school's not closed?

Well, they didn't mention it on the news.

Is he going to be all right?

Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine, baby.

But look, I got to go.

I left your breakfast on the stove.

Wait. Drew and Tonya are going to be here all day?

What? You got another home to take them to?

I got to go, baby, I'm late.

Love you.

Meanwhile, there were more kids at my house

than there were at my school.

Hello?

Is anyone here?

I wouldn't put it past all the other kids to hide from me.

Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

Whoa!

Man, what is wrong with you, sneaking up on people?

Chris, what are you doing here?

School was cancelled today.

Since when?

They announced it about an hour ago.

I left the house an hour and a half ago.

Well, I suppose we should see about getting you home.

Even though Principal Edwards had traveled the world,

he couldn't get me back to Brooklyn.

I'm sorry, Chris, I can't let you go.

Why not?

Our phones are out.

You're not allowed to leave school

without the consent of a parent or guardian.

So you're saying the only reason why

I can't leave is 'cause I'm here?

That, my friend, is a paradox.

Sounds more like C-block.

Why would your mother

allow you to go out in weather like this?

She's crazy.

She doesn't like us to miss school.

Let's not disappoint her.

While I was getting snowed in, back at home, the word was out.

To repeat, city buses are experiencing delays

of up to four hours

due to closings and hazardous conditions.

Now here's a list of the latest school closures.

Corleone Junior High...

Daddy, look, Chris' school is closed.

What?

DREW: Oh, see, it says Corleone Junior High School.

If his school is closed, how come he hasn't called?

Maybe he got trapped in a snowdrift

and had to eat his own mouth to survive.

That's a thought.

Where are you going?

I'm going to get your brother.

Who's going to stay with us?

Oh... I'll be right back.

Even though the weather was horrible,

my mother liked riding the subway.

Being with strangers is a lot less stressful

than being with your family.

This is a stickup!

Shut up!

Aw, damn. Aw, damn.

CONDUCTOR : We're sorry for the sudden stop.

If you'll all remain seated,

we'll be on our way in a few minutes.

Aw, damn!

Well?

"Well" nothing.

This is still a stickup.

Will you be quiet?

I was the only one in school,

but Principal Edwards handled things by the book.

He took attendance.

Caroline?

Chris?

Here.

Chris.

Eddie?

We said the Pledge of Allegiance.

BOTH: One nation, under God, indivisible

with liberty and justice for all.

Since I was the only one in class,

he let me say the Black Pledge of Allegiance.

BOTH: One nation under a groove

getting down just for the funk of it.

One nation and we're on the move.

Nothing can stop us now.

After lunch, we sang "Aqua Boogie."

After that, we got down to serious business.

All right, class.

First up, I'm giving you a quiz on Pearl Harbor.

What? Ms. Morello didn't have a quiz planned for today.

Consider it a surprise, just like Pearl Harbor.

Eyes on your own paper.

My father couldn't leave Drew and Tonya home alone,

because if you pull that Home Alone crap

in a black neighborhood, they take away your kids.

Can I help you?

I was looking for Mr. Omar.

Oh, hey, Mr. Julius.

Yeah, this is my friend Mrs. Booker.

I'm sorry about your husband.

Yeah, caught a deadly case of botulism.

Tragic, tragic.

How did you know...

Baby, why don't you go and put that record on for me?

Okay.

Yeah, wha-- so, uh, what can I do for you?

I need to pick Chris up from school

and I was wondering if you could keep an eye

on Drew and Tonya till I get back?

Mr. Omar had another back to keep an eye on.

Yeah, can't you get somebody else, man?

I really need your help.

I mean, all you got to do is check on them.

They'll be easy, I promise.

Speaking of easy...

I don't know, man.

I'll take ten dollars off the rent.

I'll be down in a minute.

Thank you.

Any questions?

Anyone?

Yes, Chris?

I'm the only one in the entire city that's in school.

So, why should I have to learn when everybody else is sitting

on their couch watching The Price Is Right?

Chris, the true measure of a man is not what he does

when he is being watched.

It's what he does when he is alone.

Technically, this isn't a real school day.

If you haven't noticed, I'm not supposed to be here.

So why should I take classes?

All right.

Do whatever you want.

So you're saying that if I get up and walk out of that door,

you won't do anything to stop me?

No.

Good-bye.

As I was storming out,

the storm outside was picking up.

I haven't seen

a sea of white like this

since the Republican National Convention.

Come on, in the bag! Put it in the bag!

Get to the back! Come on!

CHRIS: My mother had lost her money,

but there was only so much she could take.

Good day to rob a train, huh?

Watch your mouth!

Why?!

You done already took my money!

What else you gonna take, my seat?

I might shoot you!

And you might go to jail!

You got six bullets

and nine passengers,

which leaves three witnesses,

and 25 years to life!

Don't shoot her, shoot me.

Don't tell me who to shoot!

What are you, trying to get shot?!

Shut up!

Will you be quiet?!

Sit down.

While my mother was pushing her luck,

Mr. Omar was trying to pull a fast one.

Hey, I got peanut butter and jelly, fried bologna

and mustard, Kool-Aid and chips.

The homeless shelter special.

Anything else?

I thought you were supposed to be staying with us.

No, I told you father I would check on y'all.

So I'm checking on you. You okay?

Yeah.

All right, so I'll be back

to check on you again. Mr. Omar...

Can you make me some hot chocolate?

Okay. Hot chocolate it is.

Oh, Mr. Omar?

Uh Could you please

make me some cheese toast?

Cheese toast and hot chocolate.

Okay, great.

While Mr. Omar was stuck babysitting,

my father was just plain stuck.

Should've bought those snow tires.

My father was willing

to brave the elements to save his son,

but to save money,

he bought the cheapest tires known to man.

He's the only black out in a whiteout.

With too much snow to stay outside, I went back inside

to find crouching tiger, hidden principal.

Principal Edwards?

I thought you left.

Yeah, but I came back.

Hyah!

Captain Obvious strikes again.

Hoo-wah!

I'm sorry.

Are you really?

You did what you wanted to do.

: Shh-woo, yah!

Just didn't work out

the way you planned.

It's not like I didn't want to take my classes.

I haven't missed a day of school all year.

I work hard.

It's just that the one day I could spend at home relaxing,

I'm stuck here with you.

So what's the point in doing schoolwork today?

You know what? You're right.

I am?

Sure you are.

So what now?

Ninja lessons?

I'm sorry about that.

Look here, if you're gonna keep talking about getting shot,

you need to sit over there somewhere.

I'm sorry.

I figured I didn't have much to lose.

Why?

Yesterday was my 61st birthday

and... nobody in my family called.

I was headed to the Brooklyn Bridge

to jump off.

You were gonna jump off a bridge

'cause you didn't get a phone call?

No wonder they didn't call you.

You're selfish.

A 61-year-old gonna jump off a bridge

'cause he didn't get a phone call.

I wouldn't call you either. It's too much pressure.

You don't know anything about me.

I know you're too damn old to be jumping off bridges.

Well, it's none of your business anyway.

Wait a minute, you're the one standing up talking 'bout,

"Don't shoot her, shoot me."

Well, then why didn't you let him shoot me?

I'm not gonna have people thinking

you saved my life. You ain't nothing but a big baby.

Scarface, whatever you do,

don't shoot him. Oh, could you shoot me, please?

It's the only way my boss is gonna believe this.

Since we'd done a little work,

Principal Edwards decided we could have a little fun.

* For all you sucker MCs perpetrating a fraud *

* Your rhymes are cold whack and keep the crowd cold bored *

* You're the kind of guy that girl a ignored *

* I'm drivin' a Caddy, you fixin' a Ford *

* My name is Joseph Simmons, but my middle name's Lord *

* And when I'm rockin' on the mic *

* You should all applaud because we're *

* Wheelin', dealin', we got a funny feelin' *

* We rock from the floor up the ceilin' *

* We groove it, you move it, it has been proven *

* We calmed the savage beast because our music is soothin' *

Back at home, Drew and Tonya were monopolizing

all of Mr. Omar's time.

Ha! Boardwalk with a hotel.

Looks like somebody owes me $2,000.

Oh, dang. Tragic.

Um, Mr. Omar?

How come every time we see you with a woman,

their husband just died?

Well, that's because

I'm a funeral director, baby.

But when the wives die,

how come you don't make friends with the husbands?

Oh, well, men don't need as much attention.

Man, if my wife died,

I'd be crying, sitting at home by myself

wondering what I'm gonna do...

how to go on.

I'd be wishing anybody would talk to me.

Well, women are sensitive,

you know, in a different kind of way.

Oh, I thought that women were like

that because they were desperate.

Roll the dice, baby.

Here you go.

Ha! This wasn't

so bad after all.

Hey! You know, that's a cool vase.

That's three centuries old.

Wow.

So what do all those markings mean?

They represent honor.

They did until Paris Hilton tattooed them on her ass.

I wanted this for my wife.

You're married?

I was.

We split up a few years ago.

She took the money

and I kept the vase. Figures.

This vase...

changed my life.

How's that?

It taught me one of life's great lessons.

All that we have been or done

is in the past.

Live in the now.

What?

I wonder what Eastern philosophy has to say

about crazy glue.

Girl, what you crying about?

All he said was, "Be quiet."

It's not that. I just broke up with my fiancé.

This ring looks pretty cheap.

It is cheap.

So that's why you broke up with him? 'Cause he doesn't have any money?

No, I broke up with him because I want him to get a job,

but thinks he's going to be a movie director.

Well, at least he ain't out robbing trains.

And get this, he took my credit card to make his last film.

Now how you gonna make a movie on a credit card?

What's Mr. Movie Director's name?

Sheldon.

Now, how you gonna be a movie director

with a name like Sheldon?

His friends call him Spike.

Oh, girl, that's worse.

Trust me. You can do better

than a Black man named Spike.

Try and find a guy with a nice name,

like, like, like Orenthal.

That's nice. She later became the first

Black girl in history to be glad she wasn't White.

The snow stopped the traffic, but it couldn't stop Risky.

RISKY: Julius! Julius!

Risky?

What are you doing out here, man?

Chris is stuck at school. I gotta get him.

Can you help me out?

Oh, sorry, no room, man.

Me and my man, Nanook,

out here trying to make money on these

cross-country skis.

You want a pair?

How much?

You know I didn't mean to break it.

It's okay.

It's just a vase.

A vase that changed my life.

Sometimes I wish I could change my life.

Go places like you.

Get away from the school.

The neighborhood.

Caruso.

Doesn't work like that.

As long as you're you, they'll always be a Caruso.

I thought about living in Japan.

Arigato, Slappy.

In London... Cheerio, Nipsy.

Morocco... Asalamalakem, Flip.

So what should I do?

Just because you're you...

doesn't mean you can't be somebody else.

That's called schizophrenia.

Now what about you?

I mean, you traveled all around the world.

Why'd you come back to be a principal?

I am going to tell you a story

that I've never told anyone else.

Not my wife, my priest,

my shrink, no one. I hope he doesn't

say, "If I did it, here's how it happened."

It all began at a pancake house in Minneapolis.

GREG: Hey, Chris.

What are you guys doing down there?

Nothing, just talking. What are you doing here?

Well, I called your house, and Drew said you were here.

I couldn't believe it,

so I had to come and check for myself.

Well... think I'll, uh...

step outside and check on the weather.

See about getting you home, Chris.

Yeah, all right.

Good, uh... good talking to you, Greg.

You, too, Principal Edwards.

Omar, can I talk to you a second?

Oh, be right back.

Monopoly wasn't all he was losing.

How much longer are you going to be down here?

Well, the way Drew's playing, not much longer.

He got me for $2,000.

I didn't come here to hear you talk about Monopoly.

Mr. Omar, it's your turn.

Uh, here I come. Look, I told Mr. Julius I would

watch the kids and that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm sorry.

You watching the kids? I'm going home.

Well, you'd better take those pumps off and put on some snow shoes

or you ain't gonna make it.

Excuse me, uh, Scarface.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

My mother never talked to anyone for just a minute.

Now, are you sure you want to do this?

What difference does it make to you?

Well, didn't your mother teach you better

than to go around robbing people?

She's the one who taught me how to rob people.

Well, if I was your mother,

I would've knocked the rob out of you

a long time ago. LUTHER: Listen to her.

She's a good person. Hear that?

I just wish I'd met her before I got my wife's sister pregnant.

You got your wife's sister pregnant?

Uh, just once.

All I'm saying is,

is that you're better than this.

And at least your son and your nephew ain't the same person.

Thank you.

Rochelle.

When you get home, call my dad and tell him I'm on the way.

No problem.

Ah, well, see ya.

Man, see you later.

The adventure was just ending for me,

but it was just beginning for my father.

Chris!

I'm here!

Chris!

I'm here!

Chris!

I'm here to take you home!

Chris...!

Most days we were together, we couldn't wait to be apart.

But every now and again,

it felt really good to be together.

It's cold out there today.

That snow is crazy.

I went all the way to your school.

What happened to you?

I was the only one there, so soon as I could leave, I left.

You're not gonna believe what happened to me today.

I got robbed.

ALL: What?!

Yes. This guy kept me on the train

for, like, five hours, took all my money.

How much did you have?

A dollar.

: Oh.

Huh, that sounds just like Drew.

We were playing Monopoly,

and Drew took all Mr. Omar's money.

Mr. Omar was here?

Yeah, he watched us after Dad left.

When did you leave?

Right after you left.

You're just now getting back?

I went to get you!

I'm in a snow storm. What about Mr. Omar?

(all talking excitedly over one another)

Y'all know y'all not supposed to have anybody else.

They closed the school, there's nowhere for you to go.

When Daddy leaves, you make sure...

After spending the whole day inside with Principal Edwards,

I no longer felt

like an outsider.

I had a new friend.

You're late.

What

But what about yesterday?

That was in the past, we're in the now, Chris.

And now you're late.

See you in detention.

* Everybody hates Chris

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org