Original subtitles

CHRIS ROCK: One of the biggest problems

I had in school was I got no respect.

People disrespected me at lunch.

Hey! That's my roll.

Shut up.

They disrespected me in the halls.

Hey, man, that's my coat.

Shut up!

They even disrespected me during fire drills.

Oh, Chris, you go back inside

and make sure nothing valuable burns.

I tried to make friends.

I even ran for office.

I just couldn't get any respect.

Hey! Shut up.

You. Pick those up.

What if I don't?

The only kids in school that got respect from everyone

were the hall monitors.

I'll put you in detention so long,

your kids will get out of school before you.

Hall monitors were the closest thing we had to the police.

They couldn't arrest you, but they could write you up.

Thanks.

Oh, and if you're black, they could shoot you.

You need to be in class.

All right.

Being on the wrong side of a hall monitor

was like being on the wrong side of the law.

Nobody messed with those guys.

What you going to do now... Coco Puff?

The only thing I could do--

join the few, the proud, the hall monitors.

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Captioning sponsored by

Man, a hall monitor.

How'd you get in?

Jesse Jackson threatened a boycott.

Oh, I asked Mrs. Milone.

She said as long as I kept my grades up,

there'll be no problem.

Man, I always wanted

to be a hall monitor.

What Greg imagined hall monitors did

and what they actually did were two different things.

Hall Dog One to Hall Dog Two.

I have a group of violators. Sector one.

On my signal... Go! Go! Go!

Hall monitors! Down!

Get on the ground! Go!

That's what happens to punks

who linger after the second bell.

Book 'em, guys.

We got a runner!

This is so awesome.

Yeah, I know, and the best thing is,

I'm finally going to get some respect.

Watch out, Othello.

It'll be different when you get your armband on.

Yeah, if I wrap it around a baseball bat.

When my mother worked, she had two jobs--

her job and complaining about her job.

You will not believe what this woman

did at my job today.

Did she wake anybody up?

What?

When I first walked in,

she had the nerve to smile in my face

and then look up at the clock,

and say, "Ooh, train running late?"

I don't know who she thinks she is,

but she is not my boss.

Every time my mother got a new job,

there was always someone she hated.

At the hospital, it was Tammy.

So Tammy says to set

the defibrillator to 200.

I know how to set

the defibrillator.

I'm gonna defibrillate her.

At the fire station, it was Betty.

That damn Betty

set the water pressure

at a hundred pounds

per square inch,

when she know I told her to set it

at 130 pounds per square inch.

I should've turned the hose on her.

And at NASA, it was Belinda.

Can you believe that heifer?

I told her to set the aft booster

at 25,000 feet per second,

and she looked at me like I'm crazy.

Now, if we would've got stuck in the ionosphere,

she would've been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?"

More Tang?

And at the office, it was Charmaine.

And then when I got back from lunch,

she done move my stapler.

Talking about, "That's not where it goes."

I told her I put it there,

so that's where it goes.

He didn't hear a word she said.

Come on, baby, get up.

You gotta get ready for work.

He's up, woman.

Chris, your job begins the moment the bell rings.

I know, and I'm supposed to keep things orderly.

If anyone breaks a rule,

I'm supposed to issue a citation.

The first citation is considered a warning.

The second is detention,

The third is suspension.

And most importantly, after that second bell rings,

any student out in the hall

has to have a hall pass. Correct.

Here is your citation book

and your armband.

Good luck.

Now, what if I give someone a citation

but they don't want to take it?

Issue them a citation.

But if they didn't take the first citation,

why would they take the second?

If you get a citation for not taking a citation,

that's another citation and that's an automatic suspension.

But what if...?

If you have any more questions,

pretend I'm still here

and I said, "Issue a citation."

I'd like to issue a citation upside her head.

Tonya tried playing with me and Drew,

but we would never cooperate.

Mama.

What?

Chris and Drew won't play right.

This is how we played dolls.

Hey, anybody want to play dolls with me?

Sure. Sure.

I know your style, Bed-Stuy Dragon Fist.

I know your style, Park Slope Flying Tiger.

Stop.

It's not funny.

This is how we played hopscotch.

Go, fish.

Y'all stop! Ma!

And this is how we played jump rope.

You play too much. Come on.

No, you're the one messing up.

I'm not doing nothing.

Shut up. Shut up.

Ahh!

Ah!

Stop!

Ma!

Get o me!

Tonya, why don't you invite some friends

to come over to play?

Because you say you ain't want none of those raggedy kids

in your house.

She actually said something

much worse than "raggedy."

Fine. You can have some friends over, but keep them

out of my room, out of my kitchen

and out of my way, and don't bring

that little crazy girl over here.

Thanks, Ma.

Hey, where you going?

You're not finished yet.

Get back over here.

So, for the first time in her life,

Tonya had friends.

A lot of people don't know this,

but Billy Ocean invented the moonwalk.

And it almost killed her.

And his real name is Leslie Charles.

Did you know in Africa

and Europe, they changed the lyrics

to "African" and "European Queen"?

And in Puerto Rico,

they changed it to "Drama Queen."

Oh.

Hey, Drew.

DREW: Hi. What are you watching?

Duel of the Iron Fist.

Ooh, I like Duel of the Iron Fist. Liar.

Want to watch?

No, that's all right.

That day, my sister learned something I already knew.

When it came to Drew,

you could kiss your girlfriends good-bye.

It was exciting knowing for the first time,

I wasn't going to get walked on,

stepped over or pushed around.

I was finally going to get some respect.

Hey, you! Stop running. Shut up.

He must not have seen my armband.

Hey, no gum-chewing in school.

Shut up! Shut up!

Hey, no rough housing in the halls.

Shut up. Shut up.

You'd better listen or else I'm gonna

have to give you a citation.

A'ight. Well, that's better.

Ow! Oh, no. Oh!

No. Uh-uh. No! No. No, no.

No, not the locker, not the locker, not the locker! No!

No! You can't do this to me!

I'm a hall monitor!

Now I'm a locker monitor.

CHRIS: Greg. Greg.

Come here.

Thanks, man.

What happened to you?

Tried to give these guys a citation

and they shoved me in the locker.

I'm not surprised.

I mean, just look at your body language.

What body language?

It screams, "Ignore me."

Your shoulders are hunched over.

You're staring at the ground and you sound like a girl.

Let me have that.

I don't sound like a girl.

You hear like a girl.

And throw like a girl, run like a girl

and scream like a girl.

I'm just saying-- people can hear

the fear in your voice.

If you want to give out citations,

you have to give them out like you mean it.

What is that for?

It's my thing.

Kojak had a lollipop and I got this.

Hey!

What?

How many times do I have to tell you?

No gum-chewing in the halls.

You never told us no gum-chewing.

I'm telling you now.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

That explains why Greg didn't get

a date until he was 20.

See? Well, if you're so good at it,

why don't you become a hall monitor?

Who am I kidding? Study hall is safer.

Want this?

No, I'll get my own.

While I was learning how to deal with people,

Tonya was dealing with being alone.

Where are all your friends?

I told them they couldn't come over.

Why?

Because

they like you better than me.

Later on, my father had evacuated

to avoid Hurricane Rochelle.

Man, you will not believe what that wench did today.

Julius?

Unfortunately for my dad,

my mother needed to talk.

Julius?

And she needed to talk to him.

Julius?

She was like a bloodhound looking for a prisoner.

Julius.

Huh

What are you doing in here?

Oh, I was making the bed and then I feel asleep.

Liar.

Oh, let me tell you what Charmaine did today.

So she says to me, "Did you just get your hair done?"

And she said it just like that.

And then she passes me the card to her hairdresser

and says, "Ooh, you know, girl, you should go to him.

He's real good."

I mean she got some nerve.

Her hair so short, she can't even roll it with rice.

I'm telling you, she got one more time.

Maybe she thought you'd like her hairdresser.

Uh-oh.

Are you defending her?

No. Um, I just thought... maybe you took it wrong.

I took it wrong?

She asked me if I just got my hair done

and then hands me a card to her hairdresser.

That's like somebody asking you if you just took a shower

and then handing you a bar of soap.

I was just trying to help.

Help who?

The woman has been messing with me since the day I got there.

Now you're telling me I'm taking it wrong?

Oh, no, she gonna take it wrong

when I knock her over her block head.

Calm down.

Calm down?

Why should I calm down?

Oh, so I guess you're going to take sides with her, too.

Next thing I know, you're gonna be passing me a card

to her hairdresser.

Why you getting mad at me?

This woman hands you a card and you trying to start a fight.

I am not trying to start a fight.

She's the one trying to start a fight.

I don't care who's trying to start a fight.

I'm trying to get some sleep.

Well, I am so sorry for trying to have a conversation

with my husband!

I've learned that when dealing with a woman

who has a problem, the last thing she wants from a man

is a solution.

Later I was thinking about Greg.

And I wondered how my heroes would handle

being a hall monitor.

I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.

I pity the fool who doesn't have a hall pass.

I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.

I know what you're thinking...

Was that the first bell or the second bell?

Well, you have to ask yourself one question--

do you feel lucky?

Well, do you, punk?

I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.

No citation... I'll be black.

If I was going to get any respect,

I had to act like I deserved it.

Tuck in your shirt.

That felt good.

Hey!

You want to fight so bad,

fight the power.

That felt even better.

Run by here again, you're going to get more than a citation.

No shades.

He's blind.

No snacks.

Hey, didn't you see me come down just now?

Yeah.

So what, you're not going to slap my books out of my hand

call me Chim-Chim, Yafat and Roscoe?

Oh, I, uh, I got to go to class.

Oh.

Well, take this with you.

What's this for?

I don't know, Bing, you tell me.

I wonder if this is how the first black cop felt.

Hey, pick that up!

Pick up the citation, too!

She must think she lost her mind.

Take off your hat.

With that citation book and an armband,

I had the power to run this joint.

Hey, you, where's your hall pass?

Oh, hey, man, you had me worried there for a minute.

Greg, where's your hall pass?

Funny, man.

I'm not joking.

You're writing me up?

It's my job.

Nice work.

The citation doesn't seem like a big deal,

but it kept Greg from getting a job with the FBI.

I thought I had just done my job,

but Greg thought I had done a job on him.

Greg.

So what are you doing for lunch tomorrow?

Staying out of the hallways, that's what I'm doing.

Listen, I was just doing my job.

I was using the bathroom. You could have used your discretion.

Listen, I didn't want people to think

that I was going to be soft on you just because you were my friend.

You don't have to worry about that anymore.

Half the school thinks you're crazy.

You're like a dog with citation rabies.

We're all scared of you.

Well, it's better than when people weren't scared of me.

Even Caruso's leaving me alone.

I used to respect you.

Even though you got picked on, made fun of and left out,

at least you knew who you were.

Yeah, I was the kid who got picked on,

made fun of and left out.

Greg.

I'm eating lunch by myself.

Chris.

Can I speak to you for a moment?

Yeah.

So, Chris, I hear our newest hall monitor

is making a big impression.

Thanks.

Chris, we're friends, right?

Yeah...

No.

I'm not part of the hall monitor program.

But, as a friend, I think you should slow down a bit.

Why?

You just said I was impressive.

To me, yes.

But to the rest of the students...

well, they hate you.

They've always hated me.

True, but they used to hate you because you were black.

Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.

And because I'm black.

So what do you mean?

You judo-flipped Rodney for wearing a hat.

And I'm just doing my job.

I know how aggressive the downtrodden can get

when they get a little taste of power.

But, Chris,

you're just a hall monitor.

Calm down.

While I was thinking about who I had turned into,

my father was worried about what he was walking into.

Hey, babe.

You know, I don't understand why you

just can't listen to me.

I'm upset and I want to talk about what happened at work.

I listen to you

when you complain about work.

My father never complained about work

no matter what happened.

One time he ran into a wall.

How was work, honey?

Fine.

One time he got held up.

Oh, how was work, honey?

Fine.

One time he got his head cut off.

So how was work?

Fine.

Chris, let me get a piece of that bacon.

I was just making a suggestion.

Do you think I stayed married for 14 years

because I need suggestions?

If I needed suggestions,

I'll get a suggestion box.

I need for somebody to listen to me.

I'm telling you, if Charmaine says one more thing to me

I'm going to strangle her.

He knows exactly how she feels right now.

So, you just want me to listen to you?

Yes, baby.

I need to know that you're on my side.

While my dad was trying to see it my mom's way,

Drew was trying not to be seen.

Up, side, pull, pull.

Up, side, pull, pull.

Up, side, pull, pull.

Funny, Drew never stayed out of the way

when I had girls over.

Later I was trying to learn what R-E-S-P-E-C-T meant to me.

Dad, how do you get respect?

Respect? You got to earn it.

How do I do that?

By being the type of person that deserves respect.

But what if I am and people still don't respect me?

If you were, then that wouldn't happen.

But how am I supposed to earn respect

if people don't respect me?

Respect yourself.

And how am I supposed to do that?

Do you respect me?

Sure.

But what if you didn't?

Then what would I do?

Break my arm.

That wouldn't make you respect me, Chris.

That would make you scared of me.

When you respect people, you aren't afraid of them.

When you're afraid of them, you don't respect them.

I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

Since my mother stopped talking,

my father started listening.

How was work today?

That's all she needed to hear.

You won't believe what happened today.

What happened?

Well, see, I was supposed to take my lunch break at 1:00,

but then all of a sudden Charmaine decides

that she wants to go at 12:30.

12:30?

Mm-hmm. She did it on purpose, too.

She knew I was hungry and didn't have a break.

And she knew that?

Mm-hmm. And not only did she take it for one hour,

she took it for an hour and eight minutes.

An hour and eight minutes?

Yes. I told you she was crazy.

Yeah, she's crazy.

Going to leave at 12:30 for an hour and eight-minute lunch

and you ain't had a break. See, that's what I'm saying.

Ooh. Crazy.

What's wrong with her? I don't know.

Little did my mother know, somewhere across town,

this was happening.

Then Rochelle had the nerve to tell me,

"Charmaine, when it comes to makeup, less is more."

Less is more?

And she had the nerve to answer my phone,

and you know don't nobody answer my phone but me.

She answers your phone?

And now my typewriter ribbon is missing.

I know Rochelle got my ribbon.

I can't prove it, but I know she got it.

She talked about your makeup, answers your phone

and stole your typewriter ribbon? Mm-hmm.

I told you that woman was crazy. Hmm.

Hey.

Hey. Listen, I just want to say

I'm sorry about the whole citation thing.

Guess I just got carried away.

Yeah, no kidding.

So I'll see you later?

Chris.

Yeah?

Want to grab a slice for lunch?

Yeah.

Now I knew what my father meant.

I was never afraid of Greg, but I sure did respect him.

What about your hall monitor post?

I quit.

Why?

Either people are going to respect me

because I'm Chris or they're not.

Either way, I'm still me.

That's cool.

So who's going to replace you?

Don't know, don't care.

Here you go.

What's this?

W-W-B-- walking while black.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org