Original subtitles

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #028 "...the Buddy System" CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK: As class president,

I thought things would change for me,

but I couldn't have been more wrong.

When you two are done, see me in my office.

Who are you?

Mr. Edwards. New principal.

You were fighting.

Why?

'Cause he hates black people,

and I'm a black person.

That's a lie. I love Michael Jordan.

I think Gary Coleman is hysterical.

And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.

"Caribbean Queen."

That's a very good song.

See?

Just because you watch Soul Train

don't make you Don Cornelius.

Mr. Edwards, he has been picking on me

since the first day I came to this school.

Is that true?

Yeah.

All right, Caruso, you can go.

What?

What?

Before coming to Corleone,

Principal Edwards was on a self-imposed,

three-year vow of silence.

Keep your filthy hands off of my school lunch program!

You get the hell out...!

Which he allegedly began

two minutes after cursing like a madman

and knocking out the teeth of his former boss.

Have you ever considered the possibility

this is your fault?

That's what they said to Rodney King.

My fault?

He's threatened by you, Chris.

Your very presence makes him doubt

his ability

to succeed.

He always succeeds in punching me in the face.

He's using you as a manifestation of his angst.

Subsequently, he's trying to quell his anxiety

by conquering you,

thereby conquering his fear.

By punching me in the face?

Exactly.

So you want me to just let him do it?

Have you thought about trying to see things

from his point of view?

So you want me to punch him in the face?

No.

Have you ever

seen the film The Defiant Ones?

The Defiant Ones? No.

What's that?

Two men are shackled together

while trying to escape from prison--

one white, one black, one educated, one...

They learn they have to depend on each other or perish.

That's what I'm going to do for you.

You're going to chain us together and put us in jail?

Yeah! Figuratively.

I'm taking some students on a field trip tomorrow.

You and Caruso are going to come along.

Have your mother sign this.

To help you and Caruso

learn to depend on each other,

I'm going to employ the buddy system.

The buddy system?

Chris, you and Caruso are going to be buddies.

Just like the Crips and the Bloods.

Captioning sponsored by CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK TELEVISION

* Oh... make it funky now!

While I was preparing to see Caruso in a whole new way,

Tonya was working on a new look, too.

Mom...

can I borrow your clip-on

hoop earrings? No.

But all my friends are wearing

pink shirts and hoop earrings.

I'm not your friends' mother.

I don't know, Mom. Earrings may draw away

attention from her big, old head.

You got a big head.

You're head-mo-knotty,

got more head than you got body.

Your head so big, your hat got two floors.

Your head so big, you got to put on your shirts feet first.

Your head so big, it has a moon.

Eh, hey-- all right.

Enough now.

Tonya, why don't you wear your flower earrings?

You're too young for hoops, that's women's jewelry.

And I'm not going to have people

looking at my daughter like that.

Like what? Like this.

You see the earrings on that girl?

Everybody else has them.

Well, if everybody else got a butt whooping,

would you want one, too?

JULIUS: Hey.

Where's Chris? ROCHELLE: He left early.

He had to go on a field trip. Hey, Dad.

Check it out. I got a hundred

on my spelling test. All right.

My man!

I was thinking...

Could I get a hockey jersey since I got

a hundred on my test? You're supposed to get

a hundred, you don't get a prize for doing well.

My father never rewarded good behavior.

Dad, I cleaned out the tub.

You're supposed to clean the tub, it's your dirt ring.

Hey, Dad. I fixed the heater.

You're supposed to fix the heater.

You're the one who likes it warm.

Hey, Dad, I slaughtered a pig.

You're supposed to slaughter a pig.

You're the one that likes bacon.

Julius, it's just a hockey jersey.

Mom, it's not just a hockey jersey.

It's Wayne Gretzky.

He's the best player in the league.

Gretzky, huh?

I'll think about it.

Okay, time to go to school.

ROCHELLE: Tonya?

Coming.

Geez, Caruso?

Why didn't he just kick you into traffic?

I don't know.

But I'm going to give it a shot.

I mean, it can't get any worse.

That's what people said while they were

boarding the Amistad. So who's your buddy?

Hey, Greg, you ready?

Sure am. I'll be right there.

You got a girl?

Not just a girl, but a girl who's interested

in the evolution of species.

I am so in there.

Come on, Bubbles.

Right now, I'd feel safer at the Neverland Ranch.

* Risky. * Hey, Julius.

You want some tap shoes?

Tap shoes?

Yeah. I got men's.

I got women's and children's, huh?

You get your whole family some tap shoes.

My father always thought if you wore tap shoes,

you had to tap dance.

We're friends of the deceased. Oh, right this way.

You can't make no money tap dancing.

What I really need is a hockey jersey for Drew.

Wayne Gretzky.

Hockey? What kind of kids you raising?

Do you have one or not?

All right, all right.

Hockey, uh...

I'm sorry, I-I don't have anything,

but if I find something, I'll let you know.

All right, brother.

All right. Okay. Take care.

Hockey? Them kids in trouble.

My father was dealing with the bad news

while my mother was getting great news.

What?

The guy I'm seeing has kidney stones!

Vanessa, that's good news?

We got tickets to see Patti LaBelle. Uh-huh.

And he can't go!

Listening to Patti LaBelle

could make my mother feel good, no matter what.

Come on, pepito.

I told you, man, I didn't do it.

¿Cual es tu último voluntad?

Can you play "New Attitude"?

Yes! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait.

I gotta figure out what I'm gonna wear.

Me, too. Oh, girl, I'll see you later.

Wh-wh-wh... Ooh.

Wear that blue dress. I like you in the blue dress.

Yeah, girl.

Patti. Patti. Patti.

* I'm in control, my worries are few *

* Know where I'm going, and I know what to do *

* Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

* I've got a...

Oww. * New attitude.

EDWARDS: All right, class, listen up.

I reiterate: we are on the buddy system today.

So, you are responsible for your buddy.

No matter what happens, stay together.

We have about two hours,

so you have plenty of time to see all the exhibits.

Is he kidding?

You can come here every weekend for years

and still barely scratch the surface.

After 20 years, Greg still hasn't

made it out of the bone exhibit.

Now remember...

...the only way you're going to get along

with Caruso is if you understand

why he hates you.

He needs your help.

But if I'm helping him, who's gonna help me?

You're helping yourself.

Spoken like a true white man.

CHRIS: Come on, man, we've gotta go

before the bus leaves us.

Listen, Bohannon, relax.

The bus isn't going to leave without us.

The whole class is waiting on us.

I thought you people were used to being late.

Come on, man, we've got to go.

All you've been doing since we got here is complaining.

Well, I haven't really seen anything.

All I've seen is you eating

in the cafeteria for over an hour.

All right, you know what?

I'm sorry. I'll just be another minute.

Really? Maybe Principal Edwards was right.

Caruso might make a change.

Yeah, just do me a favor, hold this.

Now, go wait by the door. Okay.

WOMAN : Tim, do you need cashier help or security?

The buddy system was failing miserably,

but the black decoy system was working great.

(woman on radio talks indistinctly)

Usually Greg would've noticed if I was gone,

but if you put a girl in front of him,

he didn't see anything else.

Hurry up, I want to get on this bus.

Don't worry, I'm sure they saved you a spot in the back.

Which one's ours?

I think it's that one.

I think I should've been buddies with the bus driver.

CARUSO: How come you didn't tell me the bus was leaving?

When I said "Let's hurry up before the bus leaves us,"

what bus did you think I was talking about?

Sorry, I couldn't understand all your crazy jive talk.

Okay, we can catch the next train,

and we'll be back in no time.

I spent all my money on food.

Okay, fine, I think I have enough money

to get two tokens. So let's go.

Who put you in charge?

I'm just trying to get us back to school.

Just let me make the decisions.

Why should I do that?

How many times do I have to punch you before you get a clue?

Don't you watch the movies?

Gene Wilder made all the decisions in Silver Streak.

Richard Pryor just followed orders.

So... what do you want to do?

Let's take the next train.

To get back to Brooklyn,

it felt like we went around the entire city.

We went through Chinatown...

The meatpacking district...

We even went through theatre district.

The only place we didn't go through

was our school district.

While me and Caruso were lost,

Tonya was trying not to get found out.

Where are you going?

I'm going to see Patti LaBelle.

How do I look?

You look like one of those ladies from those old movies.

Who asked you?

Well, I think you look better

in the brown skirt, the beige stripped shirt.

Brush your hair back

and put on your gold hoop earrings.

He's good.

Oh, and can I get some potato chips before dinner?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Tonya knew she was going to be caught.

Just didn't know when.

Did you take my earrings?

What earrings?

Okay, here's how this works, Tonya.

You can keep lying, or you can tell me you took my earrings.

You decide.

You promise you won't yell?

I won't yell.

I took you earrings...

and I lost one.

: Didn't I tell you not to touch my earrings?!

You promised you wouldn't yell.

I've been falling for that one for years.

Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya?!

Huh?!

Whenever my mother was ready to kill one of us,

she'd always count down from five.

Five...

* Huh!

...four...

...three...

...two...

* Uh!

...one.

That's it.

I'm going to let your father handle this.

After taking a tour of the city,

I decided it was time to take charge.

Where are you going?

I'm going to call my mother.

I'm making the decisions around here. Not for me.

You can do whatever you feel

like doing, but I'm calling my mother.

Well, give me a quarter, too. I'll call my mom.

No. I only have one quarter.

Ah, don't worry about it.

I'll have my mother call your mother.

Mom. Yeah, it's Joey.

All right, if the school calls and says I'm lost,

I'm not.

Nah, I'm okay.

I'm with Chris.

Yeah, the black one.

Strange realizing

that Caruso had a loving family at home.

A loving racist family.

All right. Love you. Bye.

Hey, you were supposed to tell her to call my mom.

Forgot. Sorry.

Why don't you call collect?

That's what the guys in prison do.

Move!

Hello?

WOMAN: I have a collect call from...

Ooh! Ooh.

My dad couldn't always give us what we wanted,

but he would always do his best.

Hey, Dad. I'm really proud of you for getting 100 on that test,

so here you go.

Yeah!

Wow.

Huh

Drew thought about saying this...

Gritsky?

It's not Gritsky.

It's Gretzky with an "E"!

I scored 100 on my spelling test.

I can't wear this!

You got that big old head, and you can't even spell

Gretzky.

Maybe you should take my spelling classes.

I ain't wearing this.

But if he did, here's what would've happened.

What's the story?

Apparently, the kid loves hockey.

Father brings home a jersey that says Gritsky with an "I"

instead of Gretzky with an "E."

Son mouths off, dad loses it,

shoves the jersey down the kid's throat.

Is that the jersey?

It's all we could find.

Good thing he didn't ask for skates.

So?

It's cool.

Thanks, Dad. Oh.

The next year, Drew got a Yankees jersey

that said Mezzie Mackson.

You better talk to your daughter before I kill her.

Why

Go ask her.

All that could save Tonya was a sad look.

What's going on?

Mom's really mad at me.

Tell me what happened.

I just wanted to wear earrings like my friends,

so I took Mom's gold hoops,

and I lost one.

Oh, Tonya.

Do you think maybe I could save up and buy another pair?

It's not about the money, Tonya.

I gave your mother those earrings.

You can't replace them.

What are you going to do?

My father could've spanked Tonya,

or grounded her until she was grown,

but he said something

that made her feel worse than all of that.

I'm really disappointed in you.

Father, I have brought disgrace to myself

and to our family.

Tonya, no!

Leave me now, Father.

I must whup myself

until you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I'm sorry.

Did you tell your mother that?

Will you come with me?

Did I take the earrings?

Good luck.

Are you sure we're on the right train?

You're in charge. You tell me.

Look, nobody told you to wait for me in the first place.

We're on the buddy system, which means

I'm supposed to stay with you no matter what.

You think I want to be here?

Shoot, if I had done what I wanted to do,

you'd be sitting here by yourself.

Well, go then.

Fine.

(indistinct male voice over intercom)

So long, Caruso.

Enjoy talking civil rights with your new friends.

Even though Caruso had gotten on my last nerve,

I was afraid I might be his last chance.

(indistinct male voice over intercom)

So, you take that to Brooklyn Beach stop,

and you're right there, all right?

Hey.

How'd you get here before me?

I took the express train.

This is the local train.

Hey, man,

why'd you leave your boy out here like that?

We could've hurt him.

I came back to get him.

What you want me to do?

Nah.

Leave him alone.

If he gets hurt, I think it effects my grade.

Hey, man, in the buddy system,

you never leave your buddy.

No matter what.

You understand?

Yeah. Good.

Now give me your wallet.

I don't have any money in it.

Did I ask you all of that?

I guess this is what Martin Luther King fought for--

black and white bullies side by side ready to kick my ass.

Hey... hold on to that.

What now?

Well, we switch platforms and then head back downtown.

All right, let's go. Oh, wait.

So you really came back for me?

Yeah. Why?

Because I would have left you.

For real? Yeah, man. You're dumb.

Those guys could have killed you.

All right. All right, you done?

Yeah.

Let's go home, Muddy.

Look, I don't know what you have against me.

Hey, I don't even know you.

So, I was wondering maybe...

You know, maybe we can be cool.

You don't even have to like me.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Tell you what. What?

If you can run faster than I can throw,

I won't hit you with this battery.

* Why can't we be friends?

* Why can't we be friends?

Hey, man, where have you been?

We missed the bus.

Was anyone looking for us?

No.

So, how are things going with you and Jennifer?

It was going great until we got into a debate

about whether humans or climatic change caused the demise

of the Pleistocene megafauna.

Idiot!

* I really 'membered you, when you drink my wine... *

It didn't end well.

Same as Bobby and Whitney.

* Why can't we be friends?

So how did it go?

Huh?

Oh, the buddy system?

Oh, it was all right.

Really?

Even after I left you at the museum.

* I seen you walkin' down in Chinatown... * Wait.

You left me and Caruso alone on purpose?

* I called you but you could not look around... *

You can't do that. I mean, we're kids.

Anything could've happened.

I had my eyes on you the whole time.

What?

That's right.

From Chinatown through the Bronx down through Harlem.

Oh. Here's your wallet.

* I bring my money to the welfare line... *

Okay, I-I really don't understand.

What was the point?

Caruso still hates me.

What about you?

Did you learn anything today?

Well, I learned that Caruso didn't like me yesterday,

he doesn't like me today,

and he's not going to like me tomorrow.

Yes, all that's true.

But you're forgetting

you learned something else today much more important.

What?

You learned that I was wrong.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org