Original subtitles

EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #027 "Everybody Hates Malvo" CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK: Working at Doc's Corner Store was pretty easy.

I stocked shelves...

I delivered groceries...

Now, hurry up, Chris, and don't let her ice cream melt.

...I even made pickled eggs.

About the only job Doc never let me do

was work the register.

Chris, listen here,

I have to go and do something.

I'm going to have to leave for about half an hour.

Okay, I'll help you lock up.

No, we're not locking up.

I want you to stay here.

You think you can handle the register while I'm gone?

For real?! Where are you going?

Got to go to the bank.

Since Doc didn't leave the store during business hours,

he never got to go to the bank.

I never knew where he kept his money.

That will be a deposit.

That mattress was his wallet.

* Oh, money, money, money, money... *

I won't be gone long.

Don't take any bills over $20,

and count your change out loud.

Lick your fingers, make sure your bills don't stick.

There's a bamboo stick under the counter

in case anybody give you any trouble.

Like who

Bam!

Boo!

Got it?

Got it.

* He said, "Money's too tight to mention" *

* Oh, money, money, money, money... *

Can I help you? * Money's too tight to mention... *

Yeah. Give me the money!

Now!

Malvo was the neighborhood's repeat offender.

He always committed crimes.

Yeah, Shorty, that's real argyle.

He always got caught.

Oh, Malvo!

This is the police.

And he always got out.

See you next time, Malvo. All right.

When Shawshank Redemption came out,

Malvo thought it was a comedy.

Boy, hurry up!

Okay, okay, okay.

Just don't shoot me.

Come on, man.

Hmm.

You ever notice how hard it is to think when you're terrified?

Boy, you don't even want to do that. He's right.

$12? That's all y'all got in there?

Doc just went to the bank.

Next time, y'all better have more than $12 in there.

I'm not playing, man.

He's not even finished robbing me this time,

he's already planning on the next time.

Give me that, and you better not tell nobody

you just got robbed by Malvo.

I'm also not telling anybody what I just did in my pants.

Captioning sponsored by CBS Paramount Network Television

DOC: I knew it, I knew it!

I knew I shouldn't have left it.

22 years.

I've never left that register alone

with anybody else, yeah.

Since the store opened.

And the one day I do,

I get robbed.

I'm sorry, Doc. I was gonna hit him

with the bamboo stick, but he took it.

Chris, look, it's not your fault. He had a gun.

I'd much rather you get robbed than shot.

My pickled eggs.

He took my pickled eggs!

Now, who steals pickled eggs?

Can I talk to you a minute, son?

Can you give me a description of the guy?

Yeah. He's the kind of guy that kills you

if you describe him to the police.

What did he look like?

I was pretty scared.

I don't really remember much.

Do you remember anything?

What color clothing he had on?

Was he tall? Short.

Thin? Fat.

Dark? Light.

Thanks.

If we get any leads, we'll let you know.

Yeah, considering I just described Mini Me.

You want me to walk you home?

No, I'm okay.

Before people had TVs in every room,

families had to watch television

the old-fashioned way-- by taking turns.

(dance music plays, announcer speaks)

(dance music plays, announcer speaks)

Stop!

* Get down, come on, get down... *

Mama, Drew keeps changing the channel.

I told her I was gonna let her watch it right after

I got the hockey scores.

Look, I don't care what y'all are watching,

long as y'all are done when Sue Simmons comes on Live at Five.

That all changed when my father brought home

the greatest technological innovation we had ever seen.

Hey, everybody. Hey.

I got a surprise.

A Betamax!

Didn't they stop making those?

They sure did. That's how I got it for half off.

The only time my father ever brought something new home

was when it was old to everybody else.

I asked for a sewing machine.

What the hell is this?

A loom.

What is that?

JULIUS: A stove.

Well, if that's a stove, where's the witch?

I asked for a car.

What the hell is this?

A rickshaw.

That's Rick.

I wanted to tell my parents that I got robbed,

but I didn't want them to worry.

What's going on?

Dad got a Betamax.

Julius, what are we supposed to do without the tapes?

I got a bunch of blank tapes with it.

They were practically giving it away.

Probably throwing them away.

I'm gonna record Billy Ocean videos.

And I'm going to record Knight Rider.

And what are you going to record, baby?

The 700 Club, so I can pray not to get robbed again.

I don't know, maybe Rocky.

JULIUS: Y'all can do whatever y'all want

as long as I can record my stories.

Now my father could catch up on his sleep

and The Young and the Restless.

Let me see a tape.

Hey, Chris,

I brought you some old movies we had left over.

I've got Sharkey'sMachine and Young Frankenstein.

What's that? It's a Mel Brooks movie.

It's hilarious.

Thanks. No problem.

We were using them as doorstops.

You okay?

Let me ask you a question.

What would you do if somebody robbed you,

and you could identify them, but you were afraid to?

You got robbed?

At the store.

This guy named Malvo.

He scared me to death.

You know, there was a similar situation

in Sharkey's Machine.

Burt Reynolds got ripped off,

but he didn't want to go to the cops.

What did he do?

He killed all the bad guys.

Any other suggestions?

Why don't you just go tell Doc who this guy is

and let him deal with it?

'Cause he'll kill me.

This guy is so bad, he broke into prison.

Sorry man, I don't know what to tell you.

Can you do me a favor? What?

Please don't tell anybody that you talked to me about this.

I don't want the guy after me, too.

* Ooh, shake it up...

Hey, Bosco, I heard you got a Betamax.

Yeah. So?

I've got a movie for you, a comedy.

Birth of a Nation?

It's a classic. Hilarious. You'll love it.

Couldn't be any worse than Soul Plane.

Here we go.

That's four cameras.

Between that and these stickers,

a thief will stop and think twice.

It'd make Malvo stop and think about stealing the cameras.

Now, come on, let's finish up these sketches.

Yeah. So how did you learn how to do this anyway?

I started painting nude portraits to meet chicks.

Then...

: ...I got good at it.

A little darker under the eyes.

Okay. Now, is that him?

Yeah, that's him.

Chris, that's Al Jarreau.

Now, come on now, you got to focus.

Every time we do this, it comes out different.

Now, first time, this one look like...

Yeah, ain't that look like Kareem Abdul

And that's George Jefferson.

And ain't that Lionel Richie?

Come on, Chris.

Look, let's just start over.

It was getting hard to think of more people

that didn't look like Malvo, so I thought maybe it was time

I just told Doc the truth.

Hey, Hey, Malvo! Hey, Doc.

Uh.

They-They let you out again?

Yeah. I got time off for good behavior.

That's like letting the devil out of hell.

DOC: You keeping out of trouble?

I'm trying to.

Man, I heard y'all got robbed.

Yeah, and that fool got $12 and my pickled eggs.

Now, who steals pickled eggs?

So, who's this?

DOC: See, that's my helper, Chris.

Hmm. Chris, say hi to Malvo.

Hi.

Hi.

Yeah, he was here when it happened.

He's helping me out with a sketch of the guy who did it.

Oh, yeah?

Chris saw who did it, huh?

Let me see that.

Here, this is the latest.

Ain't this Al Jarreau?

I know his record sales is down,

but I don't think he'd be robbing no store.

I didn't really get a good look at the guy.

You must have been scared, huh?

Yeah, you can say that again.

Well, I'll let y'all know if I hear anything,

'cause, you know, I'm in them streets.

Yeah, but you

No, Doc. I like them cameras, man.

They work?

Yeah.

Well, I'll see you later, Chris.

DOC: Yeah, I got 'em hooked up.

Got four here, and, uh...

and we're thinking about putting two in the...

I wish Burt Reynolds was here.

While I was hoping I'd never see Malvo again,

my father couldn't wait to see

The Young and the Restless again.

Here we go.

TV ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for The Young and The Restless.

What

Who recorded cartoons over my Young and the Restless?

I bought a Betamax so everybody could enjoy it.

I said you can tape anything you want,

all I want is one thing-- tape my stories.

That's all.

And I don't even get that?

From now on, if the red light is on that Betamax,

don't you touch it.

You hear me?

Yes, Daddy.

Uh-oh.

What?

: I'm just trying to tape my stories.

Blah, blah, blah.

Julius, she's 11.

She made a mistake.

So, what

You get mad all the time.

Exactly, but everybody is used to it.

If I did half the things I threatened to do,

don't you think I would've been in jail a long time ago?

What are you in for?

Knocking my kid's nostrils off.

You need to apologize.

For what? I didn't tape over her show.

You are acting like a child.

I am not. Are, too.

Am not. You are, too.

You can't jump to her defense when she's wrong.

If she was right, I'd understand.

: Julius, that is not what I'm trying to say.

Then what are you trying to say?

Well, if you don't know, then forget it.

Whoa, whoa, wait... you-you can't be mad.

I'm supposed to be mad.

Rochelle.

No... Mama wins again.

CHRIS: No.

No.

Anybody? No.

I couldn't pick out a mug shot

because I didn't want to get shot.

We'll do another canvas.

I'll let you know if we find anything.

No, they won't.

Chris...

Chris, stop sweeping.

We need to talk right now.

What's wrong?

We went through a whole mug shot book with that officer,

and you couldn't find anybody who even looked like the guy.

Maybe he's not in the book.

Would you tell me if he was?

Yeah.

Chris, are you lying to me?

No. Why would I need to lie?

I don't know.

But every time I ask you a question,

you're looking east and west like you're waiting for a train.

Now, Chris, if you're in trouble,

it's okay to ask for help.

I'm not in trouble.

Then can you look me in the eye

and tell me you don't know who robbed my store?

If I lied again, Doc would never trust me.

No.

Okay.

It's okay?

No.

You're fired, Chris.

The truth shall set you free all right...

free to find another job.

: I got fired.

Why, 'cause you got robbed?

'Cause I didn't tell who robbed me.

Well, who robbed you?

I'm not gonna tell.

Oh...

Man, you lost your job.

Wait till Dad finds out.

All he's been doing lately is bragging about you working.

I mean, he was so happy.

He's going to be sad now.

I'll bet he was telling everybody at his job

how proud he was of you.

He's going to be so embarrassed.

He'll never be able to live that down.

I mean, you lost your first job.

I mean, I can't believe it.

Just glad it wasn't me.

Thank you. A lot.

It wasn't going to be easy

telling my father I'd lost my first job.

He was still working on the first job he ever had.

Thanks, Julius.

See you later, Miss Wilson.

Hey, Dad.

My man.

How's work going?

Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

You know I proud of you for keeping that job, son.

It took a lot of courage for you to walk back in that store.

Thanks.

Do they sell Soap Opera Digest at your job?

Yeah.

When you go to work tomorrow, pick me up a copy.

Is there something else you wanted to talk to me about?

Oh, no, it's all right. Forget about it.

Okay. My father being proud of me

meant more than anything, except being shot by Malvo.

I figured it'd be easier to take a beating from Mavlo

than to tell my dad I'd lost my job.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

I don't know if you can, but you may.

While in prison, Malvo got a PhD in Comparative Literature.

I-I was wondering if you could,

just, you know, out of the kindness of your heart,

return the stuff that you stole from Doc's?

He laughed like he was watching The Jeffersons,

with the original Lionel.

Forget it.

No, no, wait, kid.

Wait, wait, come here.

Man, you funny, man.

You-you should be a comedian when you grow up, kid.

That was funny, man.

Get over here, boy.

Man, what are you doing?!

You got a wire on, boy?

A what? No.

My bad, man.

Look-look, man, let-let me explain

some basic economic theory to you, all right?

In life, there are people who make things,

and then there are other people who take things.

I would be a taker.

But, I also can be a breaker.

But never, ever a faker.

You follow me?

Not really.

Okay, well, let me explain another economic theory:

the stuff that I stole is mine.

Beat it.

But you funny though, kid.

You funny.

Give it back.

Back at home, my father was done being mad at Tonya,

but she had just started getting mad at him.

You want some ice cream?

No.

You want some ice cream, baby?

Yes, Mama.

My father knew he had to do something

or this would go on forever.

Tonya, can you plug in my heart?

No. And if you axe me again,

I'm gonna turn off your stories.

You smell ice cream?

Baby?

Say you're sorry.

What for? I didn't do nothing to her.

It's not what you did, it's how you did it.

Julius, since day one, she's been your little princess,

and all of a sudden you're screaming at her?

I didn't scream.

Julius, as big as you are--

you weren't even talking to me and I was scared.

The one thing I learned about women from my father is,

even when you're right, you're wrong.

Uh, Doc?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

I don't know if you can, but you may.

I'm sorry for not telling you who robbed the store.

I was scared.

And you're not scared now?

I want my job back.

So who was it then?

It was Malvo.

Malvo? Man, would you be quiet?

Come inside, boy.

Now why didn't you say so?

Because he showed his gun to me

and he threatened to kill me.

Exactly my point.

That Malvo is crazier than three dogs with rabies.

Don't worry, you can have your job back.

What are you doing?

I'm calling the police.

Tonya?

Listen...

the other day, I didn't mean to holler at you.

I was upset.

I was looking forward to seeing my stories.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings,

but my feelings were hurt, too.

I didn't mean to do it.

I didn't mean to yell at you.

I didn't mean to do a lot of things,

but that never stopped my father

from smacking me upside the head.

I'm sorry.

Me, too.

Why do you watch soap operas anyway?

What?

Isn't daytime TV for women?

Um...

We'll talk about that another time.

All right?

Okay.

Since there were no witnesses to the crime,

the only way to catch Malvo was to catch him in the act.

You ready?

Um, I don't know about this.

Listen, look, don't worry about nothing.

I'll be right here.

If he tries anything,

hit him with this bag of quarters.

Yo, Chris.

Doc go to the bank again?

No, he doesn't go till tomorrow.

Is he here?

CHRIS: No.

So...

the money is here and he gone?

Right.

Then you need to give up the money to Malvo.

Freeze!

Don't move.

You set me up, boy.

(sirens wailing, tires screeching)

Hold it right there.

That's right, I'm the bad guy.

Man, you didn't even have a real gun?

It's hard to rob a gun store, man, they got guns.

MALVO: It's a catch-22 for Malvo.

OFFICER: Read him his rights.

Hey, where you going with my quarters?

It's evidence, now.

Stand back, sir.

Doc never did get his quarters back.

Later that year, the Bed-Stuy police department

won a video game tournament.

We're number one!

Oh, thanks, Chris.

You know, you did a good job.

No problem.

Being scared cost me my job, my father's admiration

and that was too high of a price for me.

So, I learned right then and there

that when you're in trouble,

don't be afraid to ask for help.

Chris.

When I get out,

I'm coming after you.

Y-O-O.

: Help...!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org