Original subtitles

Everybody Hates Chris #026 "Everybody Hates a Liar" Closed Captioned

(Berlin's "No More Words" playing)

CHRIS ROCK: Tasha Clarkson was the new girl next door.

Unlike just about every other girl in the neighborhood,

she didn't hate me.

Hi, Chris. Hey, Tasha.

I always tried to play it cool around her,

but every time she came out the door,

it looked like this...

But Tasha's grandmother was one of the strictest parents

on the block.

Where you going dressed like that?

Grandma, I have on everything but gloves.

Put some gloves on.

Showing your hands to people.

And it was 79 degrees.

So I figured the smartest thing to do

was to just leave Tasha alone.

Chris, come quick. I need you.

So much for that plan.

Do you see it?! Chris, do you see it?!

Oh, yeah, I see it.

But what do you want me to do with it?

Get it out!

Get it out of my closet! Okay, okay, okay. Stop screaming please.

Stop, stop...

She's screaming like the mouse had a gun.

Thank you.

No problem.

To you, that just looked like a kiss on the cheek,

but to me it felt like this...

Yo.

Little dude from across the street.

Come here.

Listen, man, I don't have any money.

I don't want your money, little dude.

I want to know how you got Tasha.

Got Tasha what?

Come on, little dude. I saw that.

Every little dude on the block been trying to get next to her.

Little dude from up on the third floor,

little dude from around the corner,

little dude with the funny leg,

little dude with the little loft,

little dude that be with big dude... and Kenny.

Now I know why they can't get nowhere.

'Cause little dude from across the street is on the case.

Now why you ain't tell nobody?

Hey, well, you know.

That's what you said when you didn't want to lie,

but you didn't want to tell the truth.

I underestimated you, little dude.

I ain't think you had it in you.

Tasha. Mean as her grandmom is.

You a bad man, little dude.

Just do me a favor.

Don't tell anybody?

It's between me and you.

: Little dude from across the street.

Mackin'.

I should have told him the truth that nothing happened,

but, hey, well, you know.

* Oh... make it funky now!

Captioning sponsored by CBS Paramount Network Television

CHRIS: My father never spent money on himself.

So to get the things he liked, he used trading stamps.

These weren't the kind of stamps you put on an envelope.

They were the kind of stamps you put in books

and could redeem for stuff that you'd never buy with cash.

Like a bumper pool table...

Oh, yes!

...electro energy ball...

My father wished he could use trading stamps

to pay for everything.

He needs a new heart.

Is it in the catalog?

85,000 stamps.

Get that boy into surgery.

Do they still have that golden boomerang?

We ain't getting no golden boomerang.

We getting a new refrigerator.

What's wrong with the refrigerator?

The thermostat is broken.

The freezer's too cold, the refrigerator's too hot.

It melted the ice cream and froze the cheese.

I thought we were going to get something fun.

Eating ain't fun? Try not eating.

Whatever we get...

A new refrigerator.

...we're gonna have to do it soon.

The paper said the catalog store's closing.

We got to redeem all these by the weekend.

If I have any stamps left, I'm going to get this.

What?

An electric ping

It keeps score automatically.

Now you know you're too big to be playing ping-pong.

Can we use the sponge instead?

You know how much a sponge costs?

Less than a new tongue.

Oh, that's one cent worth of stamp.

Chris, give me the tape.

What my father didn't realize was that I had to use

two cents worth of tape to repair one cent worth of stamp.

Hey, Mom, you want to watch The Ropers with me?

Oh, no, baby, I'm tired.

I've been working all day,

and after I finish helping Tonya

I got to go fold clothes.

Oh, okay.

I'll watch it with you.

No, thanks.

The only thing Drew liked more than watching The Ropers

was watching The Ropers with my mother.

I hadn't said that anything really happened

between me and Tasha,

but not saying anything was almost worse.

Hey, Chris. Hey, Tasha.

Hey, Tasha, how you doing?

Man, you better leave her alone.

Isn't that right, little dude?

Hey, well, you know.

I know.

I wasn't saying a word about me and Tasha,

and yet, it was all over Bed-Stuy.

Girl, little Tasha who just moved in?

That's right.

You know what else I heard?

I heard she and Chris were right outside

on the street kissing.

Ooh, girl, was it tongue kissing?

Right down to the throat.

Ooh, I didn't know she was like that.

You wasn't supposed to know. Hmm.

Not only Chris have Tasha, but he got three other women.

Hey, ain't nothing wrong with that.

The Good Book says "Be fruitful and prosper."

Yes, Lord.

Got any ashes in this?

No.

Man, I heard Tasha caught Chris cheating

with Valerie Simpson.

Nick Ashford gonna kill him.

Hiyeh...

Notice how Nick Ashford and Verdine White

look just alike?

Verdine White from the liquor store,

or Verdine White from Earth, Wind and Fire?

It's the same guy.

What?

The story was taking off,

and for the first time I was trying to play it down.

You kissed Tasha?

Well, technically, she kissed me.

And it wasn't a "kiss" kiss.

She just kissed me on the cheek.

Which cheek? This one.

When did all this happen?

Yesterday. She was scared of a mouse

and I went in to go get it for her.

Then she gave me a quick peck.

I was saying that, but I knew Greg was thinking this...

Wow, you are in there.

Hey, well, you know.

No, I really don't know.

Greg didn't even have a vicarious thrill

till he was 22.

Just do me a favor-- don't tell anybody.

Who would I tell?

He would tell everybody.

Hey, Chris. Hey, Chris.

And I mean everybody.

BOTH: Hi, Chris.

Even Caruso gave me some respect.

Hey, Lakeside, I didn't know you had it in you.

Well, aren't you just a little Sweet Sweetback.

Hey, well, you know.

Who knew that the secret for a guy getting girls

is for a guy to get a girl?

While I was getting more attention than I could handle,

Drew wasn't getting any at all.

Hey, Mom, could you help me with my homework?

Oh, baby, I'm tired.

I got to sort clothes and do laundry.

Can't Chris help you when he gets home?

I guess.

Drew hadn't looked that sad since E.T. went home.

What?

Okay, what?

I'm just trying to figure you out.

Here I'm thinking,

your middle name is "Mr. Lonely."

Come to find out it's "Lady

I'm not a lady-killer.

Yeah, I wasn't either. That's how come

I got divorced as many times as I did.

Look, when your time comes,

get you a pre-nup.

I don't have anything.

Well, they'll take that, too.

You got that right.

Hi, Chris.

How you doing?

Who are you?

Diedre, but you can call me Dee-Dee.

This is Shavonda.

What's this?

My phone number.

So I can call you?

Yeah.

You know, I heard about

you and Tasha.

Hey, well, you know.

Hey, well, you know what?

Hi, Tasha.

Don't "Hi, Tasha" me.

Hey, well, you know what?

What were you gonna say about me, Chris?

You have something to say, say it to my face.

I want my mama!

The only person who hadn't heard about me and Tasha

was my mother.

But that was about to change.

Hello, Louise. How you doing?

You keep

your nasty little nappy-headed son

away from my granddaughter.

That's how I'm doing.

That look means all seven of the words

you can't say on television.

Because this is a family show, all she can say is this...

Excuse me?

Let me slow it down for you.

Keep...

your nasty little nappy-headed son...

away... from my granddaughter.

Okay, Louise, first of all,

I don't know what you're talking about.

Second of all, I suggest you watch your tone.

I suggest you watch your son.

Louise, I'm going to assume that you have not lost your mind.

All right.

There's less anger in the Middle East.

So exactly what is it that you're talking about?

Your son was in my house

with my granddaughter

when I wasn't home.

And then went around the neighborhood

and talked about her like she was some kind of tramp.

Chris?

No, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Yes, Chris.

I don't know how he wormed himself into my house,

but I'll tell you this--

if it happens again,

there's going to be a problem.

"Problem" is a polite word for "ass-kicking."

ROCHELLE: Chris!

CHRIS: Uh-oh.

Why is Miss Clarkson talking about...?

Boy, turn around before I smack a face

onto the back of your head.

Why is

Miss Clarkson talking about you

in her house with Tasha, and it's all

over the neighborhood?

I do not appreciate the whole neighborhood

knowing something about my child,

and I'm the last to find out.

My mother hated being the last to find out about anything.

ALL: Surprise!

Why am I the last to know?

Congratulations. You're pregnant.

That's great!

Pregnant?! Why am I the last to know?

What's going on?

That's what I'm trying to find out.

Miss Clarkson said that Chris was in her house with Tasha.

Doing what? CHRIS: Nothing.

She asked me to come over because there

was a mouse in her closet. I got rid of it,

and then we went right back outside. Getting rid of a mouse?

Is that what they're calling it nowadays?

Are you an exterminator? If you are,

let me see your paycheck.

No.

Chris, I don't care

if you were over somebody's house

getting rid of a mouse, a spider, a roach, a tiger...

I was just trying to help.

Chris, please tell me.

Is that all that really happened?

'Cause Miss Clarkson seems to think that you were doing more

than just getting rid of a mouse, boy.

Well, after we went outside, she gave me a kiss on the cheek,

and Jerome saw and, next thing I know,

it's all over the neighborhood.

And you had nothing to do with spreading that?

Hey, well, you know.

"Hey, well, you know"?

Well, what is that supposed to mean?

Rochelle, Chris and I need to talk

for a minute.

You putting me out?

We need to have a man-to-man talk.

Okay, fine.

Julius, the next time somebody comes

to this house with a problem,

I'm gonna send them directly to you. Is that okay?

Huh?

All right.

Sit down.

Chris, if you're leading people to believe

you did something with that girl you didn't do,

then you need to fix it.

But I never said we did anything.

Let me tell you how to treat women, son.

If you do something,

you should never say anything.

If you don't do something, and you don't say anything,

that means you did something

even if you did nothing.

So, by not saying anything, you're doing something,

and you need to say something and let people know

you did nothing. You understand?

No.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey, Tasha, wait up!

What? I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry.

Why would you say all those things about me?

I just moved in and, all of a sudden, I have a reputation.

I didn't say anything, for real.

Well, somebody said something, and it wasn't me.

Yo, little dude. Your old lady mad at you, huh?

She's not my old lady.

What

Yeah, well...

I know. I know.

Hey, Mom, can you help me make some Kool

Aw, Drew, I'm trying to rest for 20 minutes

before I have to cook dinner.

Here. You know how to make Kool-Aid.

Never mind. Forget it.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know, but I'm about to find out.

We got any Kool

Mm-hmm.

My mother had to find out what was up

before she had to smack Drew down.

Something you want to talk about?

Why do you pay more attention

to Chris and Tonya than you do me?

I don't do it on purpose, baby.

Well, then, how come every time I ask you to do something,

you always make me do it by myself?

* The closer I get to you...

Well, because you've always been able

to do things on your own.

Doesn't mean I love you any less.

Sometimes it feels like it.

Oh, don't say that, Drew.

I'm proud of you.

* By giving me all you've got... *

I guess I don't see you as being my baby anymore.

You don't?

Uh-uh.

I look at you as a young man, because you're so independent.

I'm independent?

Yeah.

And you're funny.

You're handsome.

Oh, cool.

So you going to be okay?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Drew.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Good. Come on, let's make some Kool-Aid.

Oh, and another thing.

If you ever walk away from me like that again,

you going to need a wheelchair to bring you back. Okay?

Meanwhile, I had girl trouble without having a girl.

Hey, Tasha. Can I talk to you for a second?

No.

Hey, why you acting all stuck

I know Chris is cool and everything,

but you're too good for me?

CHRIS: Tasha!

I want everyone to listen to me!

Tasha is

not my girlfriend.

She never was.

I know everybody thinks that something

was going on between us, but nothing happened.

And not nothing something. Nothing nothing.

Tasha's a nice girl.

She's not like that.

I got rid of a mouse for her.

Then she gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug. That's it.

Tasha, I'm sorry.

Now, would you all

quit talking about this?

Because there is nothing to talk about.

I wish there was something to talk about.

But there's not.

Okay?

* Girl, don't take your love from me... *

Get off of my car, fool!

How did he know my nickname?

I can't believe you made the whole thing up.

I didn't make anything up.

Everyone else did. What do you expect people to think

with you running around saying,

"Yeah, well, you know" to everything?

That's why I had to stop it.

I thought you were so in there.

Everybody did.

Listen, just don't say anything to anybody. I want this to die.

I won't say a word.

This is going to stay between you and me.

All right.

Just like before.

Hey.

BOTH: Ew!

How you guys doing?

Shut up! Shut up!

You blew it, cornbread.

Some Sweetback you are.

I wasn't the only one looking for redemption.

Back at the catalog store,

my father was taking his sweet stamps back.

I'm here to redeem my stamps.

What would you like?

The olive green refrigerator.

We're out of those.

You have one in yellow?

No. We're out of the refrigerators.

Well, what about the stove?

Gone.

The sofa? Uh-uh.

Washing machine? Nope.

Electric ping Nada.

Mini Zilch.

The golden boomerang? The bishop

just walked out with the last one.

Hello.

So what do you have?

Well, we got this.

Oh, cool. Nice.

This is a nice canoe.

100,000 more stamps and we could get a river.

Julius, where you plan on putting this canoe?

I don't know. Somewhere.

Where's the canoe?

How did they untie it?

When did they take it?

They wouldn't have taken a refrigerator.

The next week, that's exactly

how they stole our new refrigerator.

That's 4,652 books worth of stamps!

The word back on the block

was that Tasha and I had never done a thing,

but sometimes you have to hear things

from the horse's mouth.

Miss Clarkson?

What do you want with your little mannish behind?

I wanted to apologize.

What exactly is it that you're apologizing for?

Well, first, to Tasha for letting all those people

believe all that stuff about her.

And to you for going into your house without your permission.

Did your mother send you over here to do that?

Because, if she did...

She didn't.

You're not fooling anybody.

I know you.

I don't know what you do

with these little fast girls around here,

but you're not going to do that with Tasha.

Miss Clarkson missed me when Tasha started

dating Bobby Brown.

Chris?

Thank you.

Hey! Little dude from across the street.

Man, that's too bad what happened with you and Tasha.

I told you, nothing happened with me and Tasha.

Yeah, I know. Let me hold a dollar.

They say the truth will set you free,

but in my case it cost a dollar.

At least I still had Dee Dee's phone number.

Give me back my phone number!

You better not have it memorized.

* Everybody hates Chris.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access, wgbh.org