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EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #025 "Everybody Hates Elections" CLOSED CAPTIONED

CHRIS ROCK: I thought running for class president

would make me more popular, change my life at Corleone,

but the more I campaigned,

the more I just wanted to beat Caruso

by any means necessary.

Dude, I've got bad news.

The entire fourth period English class

is going to vote for Caruso.

All of 'em?

Yeah. He said if they don't vote for him,

he was going to kick the lit out of them.

I thought having DiPaolo run with me would help me.

It would probably help more if he threatened

to knock somebody's teeth out.

That's okay. He won't be able

to do that at the town hall meeting.

I may not be able to knock people out,

but I know I can answer some questions.

(Duran Duran's "Notorious" playing)

Take a look at this.

I think it'll help with the swing vote.

"Swing vote" meant "white vote."

What's that?

I redid your posters.

We need to take advantage

of DiPaolo being your running mate.

Uh, well, where's my name?

Down here. I'd get votes if they didn't read the fine print.

I'm the one running for president.

I think my name should be a little bit bigger than that.

I have another one.

White people at the beach?

No, happy white people at the beach.

Chris...

Oh, that's great!

Where's your picture?

Next to Waldo.

Still working on that.

I was thinking...

We should have another opportunity

to hear our candidates

in addition to the town hall meeting.

So you're going to have to prepare a speech.

A speech?

I never feared speaking in public

until I had to speak in public.

No problem, Ms. Morello.

Okay.

No problem?

You ever written a speech before? I haven't.

Oh, by the way,

are you going to need an organ player?

Why would I need an organ player?

Oh, you know, in case you catch the Holy Ghost.

Uh, no, I think I'll be okay.

Tambourine?

CHRIS: I'm fine.

Good luck.

Didn't Ghostbusters already catch the Holy Ghost?

* Oh... make it funky now.

Captioning sponsored by CBS/PARAMOUNT TELEVISION NETWORK

After trying to find a tenant

to help my father make ends meet,

my mother thoughtshe had found the perfect person,

our neighborhood funeral director, Mr. Omar.

Oh, hello, Mr. Omar.

Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.

Is this Mrs. Omar?

No, this is Mrs. Johnson.

Mr. Omar and I are just friends.

Yeah, her husband recently passed

and she's in mourning.

Sure, she is.

Was it... sudden?

Oh, yeah, yeah. He got stabbed on the subway.

Didn't see it coming.

Tragic.

Tragic!

I'll show you the apartment.

Oh! Okay.

Boy, I love this wood. Don't you love this wood?

Oh, yes, I love this.

We going to get through this, too.

We going to get through this together.

So... here we go.

Come on in. Come on in.

Not bad, not bad.

So, over here we have a kitchenette

and over there is the bedroom.

Hey, Ma, I forgot my lunch.

All right, see you later, Ma.

Oh, cool!

Drew was lucky to pick up that ten dollars

before the mice got ahold of it,

'cause they was going to buy some cheese.

What's the matter?

The speech. I've never given a speech before.

I don't know if I can do this.

I don't want to get up there and put people to sleep.

There's no reason to be nervous.

I've been working on some bullet points

and I guarantee you

nobody's going to sleep through this.

"The geopolitical infrastructure of Corleone"?

"Trading arms for hostages"?

"Postwar Grenada"?!

Good, huh? I got more stuff, too,

on Noriega and the fallacy of trickle-down economics.

Wait. "The fallacy of trickle

Greg, this is the eighth grade.

Yeah, but it's trickling down to us.

I want a speech that'll get people excited.

I want a speech that will get people to vote for me,

but mostly,

I want a speech I can remember.

I hear ya.

You need a good hook.

After researching some of the greatest speeches ever,

I tried a few on for size.

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth

to this country a...

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

Don't vote for him, vote for me.

Come on. This is serious.

I am not a crook.

Come on. Now you're just making stuff up.

Once you go black, you never go back.

Are you trying to get us killed?

Segregation now, segregation tomorrow,

and segregation forever!

What are you thinking?

I think we've looked at every speech in every book here.

Maybe I should just say, "Vote for me.

You know I won't kick the crap out of you."

We better make a good showing at this town hall meeting.

Baby, I need ten dollars.

What for?

'Cause I'm going to get my hair done

and I have ten, but I need 20.

What is he doing up there?

I guess he's listening to music.

Pete Escovedo, I think.

Could you tell him to keep it down?

I got to get some sleep.

Okay, baby, I'll tell him.

Mr. Omar had just moved into the house

and had already made himself at home.

Who are you?

Mrs. Morales. Can I help you?

Oh. Is Mr. Omar here?

Hold on.

Omar, alguien está a la puerta.

Oh, hello, Miss Rochelle.

Am I interrupting something?

Oh, no, I was just about to come to you.

Do you have a face towel I could borrow?

MRS. MORALES: Pregunta si tienechampu.

Oh, yeah. And some shampoo, too.

Uh, I'll check.

I just wanted to say we don't have many rules for our tenants,

but my husband works at night

and he sleeps during the day.

So if you can keep the music down a little bit

we'll really appreciate that.

Oh, no problem.

Thank you.

Uh-huh.

Oh, don't forget the face towel and the shampoo.

I thought I would be nervous when I got in front

of that audience, but for the first time,

I had more confidence than ever.

Hey, look, it's Frank and Sammy.

That's all right, 'cause after this

you're the one that's going to be singing...

* These are the breaks

* Break it up, break it up, breakdown! *

All right, everybody, take your seats.

We will now begin our town hall meeting

so you can get to know the candidates.

Let's have the first question for Mr. Caruso.

Yes?

If you were elected,

what flavor would you pick for the cafeteria Jell

Grape. Grape today, grape tomorrow, grape forever.

Yeah!

Hey, this is going to be easy.

Who's got a question for Chris?

In a perfect utilitarian society,

where would a learning

institution like Corleone position itself vis-a-vis

the prevailing monetary laws

regarding the national position on the Krugerrand?

What?

In a perfect utilitarian society...

I heard you, but, uh,

I don't know.

Grape?

All right, do we have another question for Mr. Caruso?

Mr. Burr?

Where do you stand on access for the handicapped?

Ramps. Ramps now, ramps tomorrow, ramps forever.

I have a question.

What's your position on detention?

Detention now,

detention tomorrow and detention forever.

What were you thinking?

What were you thinking?

"Detention now, detention forever"?

Nice going, thunder thumbs.

Oh, man. Idiot.

We'll get him with the speech.

Yeah, now all we have to do is write one.

While I was debating Caruso, my brother was debating

what to buy with the ten dollars he found.

Hey, young blood, what's happening?

Hey, Risky. Hey, man,

what you got for ten dollars?

Ten dollars, huh?

Oh, I got this leopard hat.

Mm, nah, I want something cool.

Cooler than a leopard hat?

Yeah. Okay, okay, okay.

Uh, uh-huh, yeah.

How about an Olympic torch? Olympic torch right here.

And that's from this year's Summer Olympics.

And how'd you get it?

Mary Lou Retton, man.

Are you buying or are you asking questions?

What else you got?

Oh... ah.

How about a wallet?

Snakeskin wallet, too.

Coral, rattler, I don't know,

but it's from my grandmama's backyard.

Yeah, I need a wallet to put my ten dollars in.

Yeah, there you go.

How much?

Ten dollars.

I'll take it.

The Indians made a similar deal for Manhattan.

All right, brother, have a good time. Enjoy.

Chris, go get the door!

Hey, Drew.

Uh, I'm Chris.

Hey, Chris, is your mother home?

Ma? Come in.

All right.

Chris, go tell your daddy dinner's ready.

Hey, Mr. Omar.

Well, good evening, Miss Rochelle.

This is my friend, Mrs. Taylor.

Oh, we know each other.

We both used to sell Yvonne products.

Yes, yes. How you doing?

I'm good. How are you doing?

Okay. So how do you know Mr. Omar?

Well, we met at my ex- husband's brother's funeral.

Yeah, got hit by a bus. Very sad.

Well, can I help you with something?

Well, I just wanted to stop by

and tell you I love the apartment.

Great, great, great.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

Well, we're about to go and get something to eat.

And I noticed you're about to have dinner, too.

Oh, yeah, we were about to sit down.

We might as well join you.

While Mr. Omar was chowing down,

my father's blood pressure was going up.

Oh, no, no, I'll take the big one, baby.

So, uh, where are the kids?

Oh, they're having dinner in their rooms.

Oh, y'all got any more corn bread?

Yeah, it's... it's in the kitchen.

Oh.

Honey? Would you help me

get some more corn bread?

Oh, it's right on the stove.

I really need your help.

Now you see, that's what I'm talking about.

That's what a real relationship is all about.

Bible says,

behind every great man is a great woman.

You're on it, brother.

I like that.

Thank you. You got it.

Thank you. I'm gonna get some more of this corn bread.

All right.

Be right back.

: Why did you invite him to dinner?

: I didn't invite him. He just showed up.

How am I supposed to relax if you keep bringing home

people for me to feed?

He's not talking about Mr. Omar,

he's talking about the kids.

Baby, I just couldn't say no. Why not?

Because I didn't want to be impolite.

You know I like to make a good impression.

Making a good impression was important to my mother.

What are you doing?

I'm spraying for ants.

Didn't we call the exterminator?

I don't want him to think we've got ants.

Why are we trying to make a good impression on him? It's just dinner.

For goodness sakes!

And I hear you making that face.

Hey, Mom, can I have some more vegetables?

Oh, sure you can, son.

There you go.

Hey, what's it like being around dead people all the time?

Drew, that is not

dinner conversation. Now go on upstairs.

Oh, that's all right. The boy's just curious.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Julius. Did you want any more of this?

No, no, I'm fine.

Mm, this is a good dinner, isn't it?

Thank you.

I could do this every week.

Every week...

I'm sure glad I came down here

before I spent my good money.

You better get down to the auditorium. You ready?

Yep. I got my speech right here.

You got any idea what Caruso is going to say?

No.

Whatever he's got, it can't be better than this.

Thanks, Kashif.

I guess great artists do steal.

How much did that cost?

Don't play with me, Julius.

I went to the beauty parlor

and found out I lost $10.

And Vanessa, my so-called friend,

would only curl half my hair.

Did you see my money laying around here somewhere?

Here's how that sounded to my father.

I went to the beauty parlor and discovered that I lost my $10.

: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa...

You lost $10?

That's $10 worth of dollars.

Baby, don't worry, I know it's got

to be laying around here somewhere.

Drew, Tonya, come down here.

You sure nobody was in your purse?

Maybe, but I know it wasn't one of my kids.

We all knew better than that.

We knew the legend of the boy

who went in his mother's purse.

Did you go in my purse?

No! No!

What? No!

Tell the truth, baby, I'll let you go.

Okay, I did.

Drop his ass.

I told you I'd let you go.

Mama, what's wrong?

Did one of y'all find $10?

I didn't.

He couldn't look guiltier

if his lawyer was Johnnie Cochran.

Drew?

Was it on the stairs?

: "Was it on the stairs?"

Boy, if I knew where I lost it, I would have it right now.

I should snatch the scabs off of you.

Next time you find money around this house

you better let me know, do you understand me?

Yes, ma'am.

Good. Boy done lost his mind.

Give me my $10.

I spent it.

Oh, no, you didn't.

You owe me $10.

Please just get out of my sight. Go, just, go.

Can you believe...?

The one time I thought I had Caruso beat,

he pulled something that even I couldn't believe.

Men should be judged not by the color of their skin,

but by the content of their character.

* By the content of his character... *

And in closing, I'd like to say, keep hope alive.

Keep hope alive.

Keep hope alive.

Caruso wouldn't know Jesse Jackson

from Reggie Jackson.

You can't go out there.

You don't have a speech.

You're going to lose.

I'm not going to win if I stay back here.

Oops, upside your head.

The next politician to use that move

was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Settle down, settle down. That was Joey Caruso who's

running for class president...

What are you going to say?

I don't know.

Well, it was a good run.

Yeah, I guess. Now I'm going to introduce

the nominee for eighth grade vice president--

Frankie DiPaolo and his running mate Chris.

Sorry, man.

Even though I didn't have a speech,

I did have something to say.

Uh... when I decided to run for eighth grade class president,

I was running for a lot of different reasons.

What I never really asked myself

was, did I really want to be class president?

Well, I do.

You know,

I don't know what I can do as class president,

but this is what

I'm going to try to do.

I'm going to try to get you lockers

with combinations that work.

I'm tired of coming in

to my locker and seeing that everything I own is gone.

I'm going to try to get you

textbooks

from this decade.

I've got a textbook that says Dwight Eisenhower's president.

Who is Dwight Eisenhower?

I don't know.

And what about

that lunch room food?

I had some

Jell-O last week that was harder than the bowl.

And what's with all the salami?

Did someone vote for salami?

Do we have any bologna?

Yeah!

Ham?

Can I get a slice of cheese?

And if we have hot dogs on Tuesday,

I don't want to have hot dog casserole Wednesday and Thursday

and then franks and beans on Friday.

Change it up.

And do we have to say the Pledge of Allegiance every day?

It's a pledge.

We can say it once.

What, they don't trust us or something?

And how about we get field trips

to places where people actually want to go?

I'm not going to the botanical gardens one more time.

How about Coney Island?

Or Times Square?

Let's go see the Knicks.

Let's go see the Yankees.

Heck, I'll even go see Cats.

But if I go to the botanical gardens one more time,

I'm gonna slap the sap out of somebody.

Now I know it's been a long time coming,

but as your eighth grade class president

I promise you a change is gonna come.

My name is Chris, and I'm running

for your eighth grade class president.

: Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris...

It was great to hear a crowd say my name

and not follow it with, "Let's get him."

...Chris, Chris, Chris...

The winner

of the student government election for eighth grade

class president is...

Chris.

Whoo!

I wanted to become class president

because I wanted people to believe in me.

But the only reason I won was because I believed in myself.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

Good morning, Mr. President.

Becoming class president really did change things.

For one, my family was really proud of me.

My man.

Now that you're class president, can you start a war?

No.

DREW: Hey, Chris, I bet now

you'll get all kinds of girls, huh?

Drew, you do not use the presidency to get girls.

Too easy.

I'm really proud of you, son. Thanks, Dad.

* Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day *

* Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day... *

Yeah, class president felt really good,

but later that night I had a dream.

Oh, my God!

* Everybody hates Chris...

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org