Original subtitles

Abbott Elementary, as we begin my second term,

here are some executive orders we'll be enacting.

First things first, I officially pardon myself for taking bribes.

- An abuse of power, but okay. - Mmm.

Furthermore, there is a moratorium on the basement bathroom.

And, yes, the passcode has been changed.

- How do you impeach a principal? - Hold on, now. Let's hear her out.

It should go without saying,

but I've rescinded everything the previous administration put into effect.

Aw, hell nah. We have a field trip today.

She should be sharing logistics.

Any snide comments directed at me are subject to immediate disciplinary action.

Good luck pulling that off, comrade.

Yeah. You know what? We're cool and your rules drool, Ava.

- What you gonna do about it, right? - Yeah!

Behind you.

How did you... You were there, and now you're here. What?

Next executive order: Don't ask questions you can't handle the answers to.

- You heard the boss. Go. - Oh, my God.

Hey, Darren, okay, now. Hands to yourself, all right?

Save that for the museum.

Today, we are going to the Please Touch Museum.

The amount of hand sanitizer alone makes today stressful,

but if that wasn't enough, my dad is in town and is going to help chaperone.

His idea, which is weird because he's not really a touch guy or a hug guy

or a "I'm proud of you, Son" guy, so...

Remember, we won't be back at school until 01400 hours.

01400?

Affirmative.

I wanna make a good first impression on your dad, so I learned military time.

Hope our kids don't go AWOL.

That'd be a real pickle, right?

- Teagues out. - Look,

don't worry about trying to impress my dad, okay?

Nothing impresses him. Just be yourself.

But it's my first time meeting him.

After all this time, I just really want your dad to like me, you know?

Yeah, no, I want that too.

Just don't be surprised if you two don't vibe.

Look, my dad is just so, like, stiff.

- He's not like me. He hates being silly. - Mmm.

I haven't seen him enjoying anyone's company, like, ever.

Well, I enjoy your company.

And I enjoy your company.

And so will your dad.

He most likely will not.

Okay, what's going on here? Put that in your hands. Thank you.

Now turn around.

Hold your bag. Let his bag go. Everyone, hands to yourself.

All right, class,

what are some of the things we're excited about seeing today? Yes.

I'm excited to see my dog.

No, sweetheart, on the field trip.

- But are we excited? - Yeah!

I am telling you guys,

outside of an Eagles, Philly's Flyers, Sixers game

or any other live sporting event,

this is the most exciting place to go in all of Philadelphia.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. That's right.

Make some noise if you're ready to go to Philly's funnest museum.

I said if you're ready to have some fun, let me hear you!

We wanted our final field trip to be the aquarium, Mr. C.

Yeah, man, the Please Touch Museum is for babies.

What? No way.

Ms. Schemmenti, Mrs. Howard, eighth graders think that they are too old

- for this museum, which is loco, okay? - What?

They're afraid that their final field trip at Abbott is gonna be boring.

Oh, no way, it's like Disney World, but for kids.

And Mr. Johnson loves it so much, he's decided to come with us.

I'm being forced to because you're short on chaperones.

I don't want to go there. It's for babies.

- No, it's not. - Yes, it is.

- No, it's not. It's not. - It is. It is.

Looks like the queen is back on her throne.

Please, the throne is wherever I'm sitting at the moment.

You ready to chaperone while I look at my phone all day?

You know it. But before we leave,

I thought that you could use a little welcome back gift.

- You're right, I could. - Pow.

Look at you spending money you don't have.

Maybe a little.

Oh, my God. They're beautiful.

Right? Yeah. Try 'em on.

Okay.

You shouldn't have.

He shouldn't have. Like, he really shouldn't have.

These are the ugliest things I've ever seen in my life. Like, damn.

There you go. Stay in one line.

Here we go, come on, 'cause this is gonna be fun.

Just wait until you see this place. It is gonna blow your minds, right?

Yeah, you don't even know the definition of dope

until you've scoped out this dope place.

Please stop saying that word.

Welcome, friends. My name's Ant-man.

No, it's not.

My name is Anthony.

To have fun and stay safe today, remember: Walking feet, listening ears,

and if you need to go to the potty, raise your hand and an adult will take you.

Okay. You can go to the potty by yourself.

I mean, yeah.

Morning, Son.

Good to see you, Father. I apologize for our tardiness.

It's one of the reasons I chose not to join you on the bus.

Others, of course, being no seat belts, an abundance of volume,

and too many children.

You do realize there are children at the museum.

So, where's the famous Janine?

She was on a different bus, and they will be here shortly.

Shortly.

Good afternoon, sir. I'm Janine Teagues.

It is so good to finally have your boots on the ground.

Mmm. Hello, Janine. I'm Martin.

Ah. If you don't mind, I'd prefer to call you Lieutenant Colonel Eddie.

- Is this mine? - Strong handshake.

Yours as well.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, young people. Hold it right there... ...okay?

There's to be no skipping or running in this museum.

Skipping is for going to my lou, and running is nonsense without a goal.

Please walk. Thank you.

No nonsense. I like that.

I abhor nonsense, sir, so...

Ready, kids? One line, one line.

Uh... Hey, hey, hey. Guys, one at a time, right? Boats are not for having fun.

They are for shipping freights and spreading norovirus.

Back up. Thank you. Okay? Make sure you're learning.

This isn't just for fun.

That's right. One should never miss an opportunity to educate oneself.

Exactly.

Be right back, sir.

- Hey, so, what are you doing? - Hey.

Uh, making a good impression on your dad?

You see that validation? He loves me.

At what cost?

Ow! My knee!

Oh, my goodness. Lila, are you okay?

Well, this is why we have rules and protocols about running.

But I-I bet that stings, huh?

- Pain is just weakness-- - Weakness leaving the body.

We got it, Dad.

Yes.

Um... Yeah, this pain will turn you into a strong young woman

who never runs.

I'm just gonna engage with the student directly.

Hey, I have something that maybe can help.

Ooh.

Let my magic pencil erase away the pain.

- There. You feel better? - A little.

A little? How about now?

Yeah, that feels good. Let me see it.

No, I'm kidding. It's not that bad.

So, you're still a couple of years away from driving legally,

but hey, never too early to get a little practice in, huh?

These cars don't move. Might as well be whipping a rock.

There's an old-timey fire truck.

I'm gonna go find some place to loiter.

Look, I got nuggets.

Oh! Great job, bud.

Hey, guys, look at this. You can pretend to be a grocer. Isn't that neat?

Why should I pretend to work? I don't even want a job.

Okay, well, maybe, uh... maybe you can make pizzas, you know.

Oh, wood fire. Fancy.

Scusi, scusi. All right, what kind of pie do you like?

The kind you can actually eat.

Okay, kids, listen up.

First thing you need to know about having a job.

Workers' comp. Watch and learn.

My back! Oh, Lord, my back!

All right, car's all clean, but your headlights is out.

Ava, I think you developed a nervous tic while you were away. Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah.

I'm just trying to cover up these earrings that O'Shon bequeathed me.

How can I be with somebody who thinks my taste is this bad?

Well, did you tell him how you feel about them?

And what? Be honest? Barb, are you crazy?

Ava, honest, difficult conversations can help build a strong relationship.

How do I tell him that he financially ruined himself

for earrings even Janine would return?

Oh, come on, they can't be that bad. Let me see.

Hmm?

Oh, my.

Yeah.

All right, guys, see if you can fit in there.

Ooh, Ms. Teagues, I'm a tree ghost. And now you're haunted!

Oh, no, not a tree ghost!

You're telling the children that trees have ghosts.

That would mean that trees have souls.

Right.

Uh, kids, trees don't have souls, so they can't have ghosts.

And, uh, don't run,

and the world is a sad, sad place.

No. You know what? No.

Trees do have souls. Yeah.

Yeah, I pass a tree on the way to work every day, and I named him Steven

because he absolutely has a glorious soul, all right?

Look, I'm sorry, I'm a second grade teacher

and being playful is part of my job. I...

Sorry.

All right, guys. So, what other fun kinds of things live in trees?

- Winnie-the-Pooh? - Yes!

All right, what else? Throw it out.

Well, I live here, and I'm a squirrel.

Okay, Mr. Squirrel, how long have you lived in this tree?

Most of my life, but I'm thinking of moving

because the cost of living is through the roots.

That's really funny.

Oh, come on, tell me this isn't cool. I mean, who doesn't love a maze?

Yeah, didn't you guys see Pan's Labyrinth?

Yeah, but it's not a maze if you can see over the sides.

This sucks. Can we just get our phones back?

Guys, I'm sorry, okay?

I really didn't want our last field trip together to go down like this.

Maybe...

Maybe you have outgrown this place.

Are you older kids looking for an activity?

Good luck.

Well, we do have something.

Nah, what am I saying? You gotta be pretty creative for it.

Just tell us your idea, dude.

See, no one's in the Playhouse Theater right now.

You older kids could write and produce a play.

About your teachers.

Whoever wants in, follow me. We can stop by the potty on the way.

Abbott Flight Control, are we a go for launch?

Stand by, Houston. Initiating safety check.

Ready, Astronaut Mr. Eddie?

Oh. No, thank you.

Astronaut Mr. Eddie is a no-go.

We will go to Mars without him.

All right, Flight Control.

Go for launch, commence countdown.

Three, two, one, go!

Heads up, Astronaut Mr. Eddie.

You know rocket debris is a serious issue, right?

Let's do another one.

Hey, do you guys mind if I get a photo for the website?

Oh. Okay. Bring it in, bring it in.

- Look at those cool earrings. - Oh. Thank you.

Did the kids make those for you?

No, these were a very expensive gift. Apologize.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

All right, thank you, guys.

Hey, so, good news.

I think your dad likes me.

The real me, the one you like.

- Yeah, it looks like he does. - Mm-hmm.

Are you good? 'Cause it feels like you're maybe upset about that.

Uh... No. No, I'm sorry. I'm... I'm happy. I am.

I just don't fully understand what's going on here.

That's just not the man who raised me.

My dad always hated this kind of thing when I was a kid,

now all of a sudden he's doing voices and playing pretend.

I see how that could be jarring.

I don't know, it just kinda got me messed up today.

But why don't you talk to him about it?

Yeah, my dad's not a guy who loves talking about feelings.

Why aren't all men more like Jacob?

Though, it does seem like maybe your dad is capable of more than you think.

I suddenly feel like he's from a whole different planet.

Right here! Right here!

Oh, when did these eighth graders stop being kids?

Seems like just yesterday I was wiping their noses, and look at them.

They're almost high schoolers.

As you know, goodbyes are not my strong suit.

Plus, I never feel like we did enough to prepare 'em, you know.

Well, if you did, you'd never know it. They're teenagers.

Communication goes against their entire biology.

Well, my entire biology

will not mind sitting in a cool, dark theater right about now, that's for sure.

You were right, Mr. C. This place doesn't suck.

Well, I don't want to reheat my own nachos, but I told ya.

So, when does this play start? My dogs are barking.

Soon, but we need your help.

Oh, sweetheart, whatever you need.

Is it proofreading?

I'm telling you right now I'm gonna cut out all the curse words.

- Mm-hmm. - No, we need you to get into character.

- Wait, w-w-what now? - You're the actors.

Ms. Schemmenti, you're Mr. C.

Mr. C, you're Mrs. Howard. And, Mrs. Howard, you're Ms. Schemmenti.

- Okay. - And, Mr. Johnson, only you can play you.

With or without the Southern accent?

This feels dangerous.

- Yeah, I mean, w-where are the scripts? - You'll read from the cue cards.

- What? - "The Final Bell,

an Abbott Elementary masterpiece."

- Break a leg. - Okay.

Good luck.

"I'm Ms. Schemmenti. I'm Italian, and I'm a proud Philly native."

Okay, so far so good.

Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Um...

"Eagles! Firemen! I got a guy for this...

...I got a guy for that!

Marinara sauce!"

Okay, pump the brakes a little bit, Barb.

Somebody's a little touchy. Seems like this could get ugly real fast.

- Well, I will... I will try to be subtle. - Okay.

"I've taught for a thousand years and my bones hurt.

I pray my candles don't burn the school down."

Jacob, that was a very challenging day for me.

- I'm sorry. - "That's trash."

I don't sound like that.

"Hey, you guys, did you see the news that no one cares about?

The district is trying to shut down Abbott.

Perhaps I, a white male ally, could help."

As the kids would say, we're cooked.

Oh.

Hey, thanks for chaperoning today.

You're welcome. And Ms. Teagues is a lovely young woman.

Yeah, she is. I'm glad you like her.

Although, I am surprised. She is the opposite of how you raised me.

How so?

Any time I was silly or goofed off, it was met with disapproval.

You make it sound like I didn't let you have any fun.

On my birthday, when I got Mad Libs,

you made me choose words that made the most sense.

Mad Libs promote insubordination.

So you can see how you pretending to be a squirrel is new for me.

- I suppose... - Mm-hmm.

...you didn't get to see me joke around much

when you were growing up and it was just you and me.

I do like to see you joke around.

You know, your mom used to tell me, "Relax, Eddie."

Mmm.

Janine reminds me a lot of her.

Of Mom?

Absolutely. And, Son, guys like us do pretty well with partners like her.

There you are. Gregory, it's almost time for our scene in the play.

- Ah. Well, that sounds like my nightmare. - Oh, come on, you gotta do it.

You know what they say about the show.

- It's gotta go on. - It's gotta go on.

- It's just gotta. - It's gotta.

It's gotta.

Okay, you coming?

Relax, Eddie.

Kinda hard to chaperone from up here.

Maybe for some people.

So, I noticed you're not wearing the earrings.

Oh, no, they must have fallen out.

Oh, my... Shoot. They looked so good too.

I saw you take 'em off.

Damn.

Look, I don't want you to think that you shouldn't buy me things,

but these aren't my style at all.

Like, at all all.

I get it.

Uh, I get it. I just wish you would've told me.

Well, I didn't wanna hurt your feelings or seem ungrateful.

- I'm sorry. - You ain't got nothing to be sorry about.

I took a big swing 'cause I thought you like expensive things.

No, to reiterate, I love gifts.

Yeah. No, yeah, I know that. These actually weren't my first choice...

Um...

These were.

They're custom.

I know it's below your expected price point,

but the style reminded me of you.

Thank God. You do have taste.

Well, now that that's sorted...

...maybe I'll keep you long-term.

Maybe I'll keep you long-term.

Shut up.

- Get me those good earrings... - Uh-huh.

...and return those to Ariel's Grotto under the sea.

"Beep-bop, you have finished building me, Mr. Eddie-bot."

"I have prayed to my boyfriend Jesus for this day.

Can you save Abbott, Mr. Eddie-bot?"

"No, I have no powers. The district is going to shut down the school.

Wah, wah, wah. Boo-hoo."

"Don't cry, my robotic kiss machine.

I can fix anything

except for my inability to reach the tops of trash cans."

"Hey, I'll recycle a can in a war-torn nation.

Wouldn't that be dope?

It's worth a shot."

"Hey, we love the kids more than a Sicilian loves saying they're Sicilian!

Ha ha. Goopy-goopy-goo."

"That's right, best friend. We love the kids.

And despite our many flaws, the kids love us."

- Oh, guys. - Aw.

"Okay, I'm starting to feel for the first time. Is this love?"

"Oh, no, fam, if Mr. Eddie-bot experiences love, he explodes."

Oh, I explode. Okay.

- Boom! - Oh!

"Power of love has won!"

"The district has been defeated. Abbott is saved!"

Now!

That was mostly very sweet.

- I think it was technically bullying. - Yeah.

These kids are lucky they're about to graduate.

Why did I have to explode?

We need to go to more theater.

When the new kindergartners arrive at Abbott,

sometimes you try to imagine those children in nine years' time.

About to graduate. No longer little kids but little citizens.

You wanna picture all the successes they're gonna have.

And all the messes they'll need help cleaning up.

We get to help them rebound from adversity and keep growing.

Our job is to be there for them during that growth.

During the serious times and the silly.

Yeah. And no matter how much the little goobers change over the years...

Whoa. Okay.

...they'll always be part of our Abbott family.

Am I crazy, or is that way faster than it looks?

I feel like I just got out of a salad spinner.

Thank God all I ate today was hard-boiled eggs.

O'Shon and I are totally fine. Y'all are just weak.

I told y'all I didn't wanna come here today, but no one listens to me.

Hey, guys,

there's a guy over there that lets you put cream cheese on your hot dog.

Look. You gotta try it.

No? No?

All right. Who's ready for another spin?

- Me! - Yeah!