Original subtitles

I know, right?

- Nice dress. Where's that from? - This that new new.

Too exclusive for you, you.

And that's what I get for being nice.

Many have tried, Mel, but my swagger cannot be jacked.

- Oh, my God. Ava, twinsies. - No.

- Oh, wow. - I needed this.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, this is just too good.

We have to take a picture. Wh...

You know, I-I told Gregory when I tried this on, I said, "Gregory," I said,

"This dress is so me," but now I look at you and it's so we.

Hear me when I say "we" nothing.

- Dr. Evil. Mini-Me. Good morning. - Where's my phone?

Good morning. All right, here we go.

Portrait mode, please. OMG, this is so fun. OMG, I'm inspired.

I'm gonna post it like one of those tabloid magazines.

Oh, yeah. Like "Who wore it better?"

Exactly. Okay, you ready?

Who wore what better?

How is that even possible?

- I know, right? - What?

Hey, I meant to ask... ...have my spellers from Miles Nathaniel arrived yet?

Janine, I told you I'd let you know when they get here.

If I feel like it and I don't decide to flip 'em or throw 'em away to spite you.

And why are you whispering?

The spellers are the first thing I've asked for from the golf course.

The ones we've been using are ancient relics, and I took the plunge.

I feel bad and dangerous.

Really excited. A little sweaty.

Good morning, pumpkin.

How are you on this fine day?

How can I help you?

I'm here to see my soror, Principal Coleman.

Now she's not expecting me, but you drop the name Crystal, that should do it.

- Go ahead and sign in on the-- - The new iPad.

- Isn't that gorgeous? - Um, Crystal, what are you doing here?

Perhaps you wanna have this conversation in private.

Dia can hear whatever. She's low-impact.

Well, if you insist.

You know, at the district budget meeting, I found it so interesting

that Abbott didn't need any of the essentials that we needed,

especially since this place is usually so needy.

And you're telling me this instead of your diary because?

I did some sniffing around, and I know you're running some kind of scam.

I want in.

- How'd you find out about the golf course? - You're using the golf course?

What is happening with me?

Oh, I knew it.

Congratulations, you figured out something I told you.

Let me in on this, Ava.

- I already gave you some stuff, Crystal. - I don't want your scraps.

You didn't have a problem with that in college.

- You know what? Fine. - Yeah, it is fine. Bye, girl.

- Oops. - Oh, no, the hell you...

- Jacob, sweetheart... - Mmm.

...thank you so very much for bringing my class in for breakfast.

Of course, Barbara. Hey, think of me as your shoulder to lean on--

You know, I finally got to sleep last night

and my wrist was just killing me, and then my alarm did not go off.

I mean, I plugged my phone in to charge,

but I guess it wasn't plugged into the wall.

And then in the middle of the night, the phone just died.

- Classic. - Mm-hmm.

- Always wait for the buzz. - Yeah.

- It's imperative that-- - Mrs. Howard. Mrs. Howard.

Yes, sweetheart? Yes, baby?

Ooh!

Sorry, I had to sneeze.

And then, I think I peed, I think.

Jacob, I'm gonna need your help for just a few more minutes.

I need to go get some coffee and pray that this day gets a little bit better.

My shoulder is your shoulder.

- I would move-- - Damn, Barb.

Did you just get here?

I plugged my phone in and--

Cool, so listen, the music teacher, Mrs. Davis, is retiring

and she has, like, 40 more vacation days to burn, so she won't be back.

- And I was just think-- - Ava, I have had a very rough morning.

Well, I was just painting a picture, but okay, sure, I'll rush.

I wanna offer you the unpaid position of music teacher for the rest of the year.

You were the first person I thought of after everyone else said no.

I already have a job that keeps me very occupied.

Yeah, but I worked my magic and now music class is an after-school program.

Well...

Look, I know you've been busy, but if you say no,

the program's probably gonna go away.

Understood. I will think about it.

I thought about it. I simply cannot do that.

I want the students to have a music class, but I am bogged down enough as it is.

"Stay later. Do more." With what?

My tank is empty.

Which reminds me, coffee, big mug.

The kids would love it.

Hey, we need to talk. It's important.

- I don't know. I don't think... - Hmm. Well...

They look awfully focused.

Oh. Yeah, well, Jacob went on a date last night with that Elijah from karaoke,

so they're trying to figure out what to text him.

- Yes. Okay, that's perfect. - No notes on my end.

And you're sure sending a two-camera poem is too much?

I-I want him to know how I feel

and that my Android doesn't send blurry videos.

- Positive. - Positive. Yeah.

Just send it.

- Well, I sure hope you're right. - Okay.

So what'd you decide to go with?

- "Good morning." - Uh-huh.

- Tell 'em what you told me. - The district--

...got tipped off that something shady is going down at Abbott.

- Keep going. - They asked--

...him if he knew anything because he does IT here.

Don't stop now.

They're coming to investigate tomorrow, and we think that it was Crystal

- who told them. - Oh!

That's a wrap on the grift.

- Ooh! It was just a matter of time. - Well, we had a nice run.

All good cons must come to an end.

O-Okay, now. Wait just a dang on minute.

My kids are really excited about the spellers the golf course was getting me.

Yeah, and Janine didn't ask for anything all year.

That type of integrity deserves one bribe.

Thank you. And they don't have proof, right?

They're coming here to find it.

So, now that we know they're coming, we can prepare.

And what do you suggest we do? This place is crawling with contraband.

I don't know, maybe we can stay after school today

and hide all the stuff we've gotten, and, um, you know,

they come audit, nothing seems out of place,

and then we put all the stuff back after they leave.

- Brilliant. - I've heard worse plans.

- Yeah, I'm down. - Oh, what the hell?

Why not? O'Shon?

Oh, uh... I was never here and know nothing,

but if I was and I did, I'd say, sounds good.

And I'd say, say less,

but you already did. Hot.

Here's the deal. Melissa has a team, so they are bringing a truck at 4:00.

We load up all the stuff the golf course gave us.

When the district comes tomorrow,

we look like the broke school we are in our hearts.

Computers, scoreboard, it's gonna take all night.

No, if everyone helps, it'll be like three, four hours tops.

Yeah, I'm sure Barbara and Mr. Johnson are gonna be a huge help

loading dozens of computers into a truck.

You think I'm too old to whoop your ass in front of your girl?

Oh.

No, sir.

Pick up that mop.

Yes, sir.

What?

That's what I thought.

- I think you can stop now. - I'm good.

Welcome to Abbott Elementary.

You are heading here to administration

where we will meet up with Principal Coleman.

- Oh, good morning. How can I help you? - Guys, this is Dia. She runs this place--

We'd like to speak with Principal Coleman.

- Now. - Please.

Of course.

- She's just right in her office. - Okay. Yeah.

Let me...

The district.

What are y'all doing here so early... in-in the day?

Y'all just work so hard.

Ava, I'm sorry, unfortunately we're here on serious business.

We received a credible tip that Abbott Elementary

might be receiving a high amount of unsanctioned donations.

But that would be against district rules.

I know. I'm sure it's just a big misunderstanding.

Regardless, we'll be doing a thorough walk through of the school.

Oh. Well, hate to see your time wasted, but I'm so happy that the

district is here.

Oh, my God. They're here?

Did she just say that the district is, like...

Oh, .

Everybody, the district.

- District, everybody. - Hey.

You guys remember the famous Janine.

I mean, she worked with us. She's got the best nickname,

- but now is probably not the best time. - Yeah.

She would definitely know better than to take any contraband.

Contraband? At Abbott?

We barely have pens.

You have pens? I had to make notes

with my eyeliner this morning.

- We're going into every classroom... - Bathroom, lunchroom...

...rec room so we can do a proper investigation.

Well, just let us know how we can help.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. It'd probably be more efficient

to start on the third floor in Morton's classroom.

- Right? - Oh, talk about your dire straits.

- Materially, spiritually. - Romantically.

It would be great if we could focus on the task at hand, hmm?

We're not here to judge.

- No, you haven't met him yet. - We're here to audit.

- With scrutiny. - Absolutely.

- Let's head there. - Mm-hmm.

I'm actually excited to see what the third floor looks like.

- Nice meeting you. - Bye.

Our secret's safe with Morton since he's not in on it.

He hasn't gotten a thing from the golf course.

When they knock, he'll probably think

he's being served divorce papers again and flee on foot.

No car, so...

Okay, here's the plan.

As they work their way down, we stay one step ahead of them.

We gather up everything the golf course has given us

and hide whatever will fit into Melissa's safe or Mr. Johnson's closet.

But I have kindergarteners to watch.

Right. Okay, so you stay with them.

I'll have my class double up with Janine's,

and we'll just rotate hiding duty.

- Yeah. - Okay, I'll man the admin computers,

but just in case, youse guys know Morse code, right?

Mmm, okay, you know what, it's never been my best subject, but I will take the gym.

And I'll go hide the white kid. Anyone have bronzer?

- Hey. - Oh, my...

Yay, fun. You know what's better than one class, guys?

A joint class.

You're gonna have so much fun with Mr. Eddie.

Yes, 53 kids in one class.

So fun.

- Yes? - Are you and Ms. Teagues married?

- Please hurry. - I will.

Stop having so much fun with all the fancy new equipment.

Yep, I will take that.

Watch out, Mr. C.

Sorry.

We need to get rid of the beanbags.

- On it! Uh, this isn't my first raid. - Okay.

Excuse me. Hi. Sorry, sorry.

Um... Hi, I'm sorry.

- No, I'm sorry. You have to... - Mm-mmm.

I'm s... You gotta get up.

Hey, Wendell, you got anything from the golf course in here?

Oh, damn.

When the state-of-the-art stove come in?

Hey, we all got needs.

And I needs the kids to try my cacio e pepe.

Oh, wow. You know, a lot of times people add the pecorino too soon, makes it gummy.

- This is nice and creamy. Well done. - Mmm. Mmm.

But we gotta hide the evidence.

- Mr. Johnson, get rid of that. - Don't mind if I do.

- And here we have our cafeteria. - Oh!

Nothing fancy. We do okay.

Our kids barely eat.

Ah. Smells good in here.

- Too good one might say. - I'll say it.

It smells too good in here.

- What gives? - Nuggets.

- Can we, uh, take a look back there? - Yeah.

Not with those gaiters on.

Crocs-only kitchen. Health code thing.

What do you think we're hiding back there, a Michelin star chef?

- How about I show you the rest of the-- - Yeah, uh... We'll circle back here.

- We don't need a guided tour. - We'll just pop around.

- Oh, I'm happy-- - Do our own thing.

That feels good. Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna need to take that. It looks expensive.

You will do no such thing. It's mine.

Barbara, the district is gonna think you got it from the golf course.

Well, that is preposterous.

My aching joints and I need this hand massager now.

And might I emphasize, it's mine.

Do you have a receipt for it?

They emailed it to me, so no.

I'm so sorry, Barbara. Okay? I'm sorry. Sorry.

- You-- - Mrs. Howard,

- Amelia drew poop on my paper. - Oh.

And I have to poop.

Hey, how's it going?

Okay, I've secured the computers on the second and third floor.

Ava's taking the district by the library, so I have time to handle this floor.

We should be good.

They decided they'd lead their own tour, which isn't a tour, but okay.

Okay. Oh, bad. Bad. Bad.

I noticed you're wearing pants. Funny enough, I'm wearing a pair too.

Small world. Excuse me, sir.

Funny you should say that.

Did you know that the phrase "excuse me" was invented by a janitor?

It was 1953 Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania.

Actually, it was pronounced "Beaver Fawls"

as the sharp A hadn't been popularized yet.

You know what? The origin actually goes back way further,

you know, linguistically we're talking.

And that's just part of the legend.

I think we're... We're gonna scooch in here.

- You did that. You did that. - Good job distracting them, Mr. Johnson.

Distracting who?

Come on.

We got 'em all.

Okay, I got, like, five minutes before one of my kids breaks something.

So what are we doing with these bad boys?

'Cause my safe and Mr. J's closet are full.

Yeah, 'cause maybe I'm biased,

but right outside the principal's office is literally the worst place.

Guys, the best option is the basement.

The basement?

It's got "suspicious activity" written all over it.

Then what are we supposed to do?

There is one place.

Look, I'm about to tell you something,

but you can't be mad at me or complain because I'm saving the day.

- I have a secret bathroom in the basement. - Smart.

- Ava! - What did I just say?

Now come, we gotta move the computers.

- Hide them. Come on, come on... - Okay, okay.

...close the door, close the door.

Yeah.

- Hey. - Hello.

- What are you all doing down here? - Oh, just, uh, checking the rat traps.

Oh, yeah. They're empty, but not for long.

Yeah, yeah. It seems like you've been through the whole school though.

- Well, everything does look copacetic. - Oh, great.

Looks like your job is done here.

Although we still have two places left, your office...

- And the gym. - Be my guest.

Your hospitality's been lights out though, Ava.

I mean it. Amazing.

- Thank you, Manny. - Yeah.

- Okay. - All right.

Jacob. You got everything out of the gym, right?

- Yep. - Okay, great.

- Wait. - Damn it.

The scoreboard.

Oh, great. Something small. You gotta start looking up, Jacob.

- Go, go, go. - I know. I know. I know.

Okay, how are we supposed to get rid of a scoreboard?

I don't have a Persian rug this big.

Guys, we don't have time. The district could be here any second.

- Yeah, we gotta just make it disappear. - Yes.

Damn it, I can't remember one magic trick under this pressure.

Um...

- Okay, so I got this. All right? - Yes.

- And then... Ooh. Tall. - Okay. Yeah.

Just step back. Why don't you let a pro do it?

Okay, Barb, Jacob, hold the ladder. Greg, spot me.

- Got it. - Got you.

Hey, Barb, while I got you, are you really taking over music class?

Hey, Jacob, while I got you, why don't you mind your own beeswax...

- Ow! - Ooh!

Father God, why have thou forsaken me?

- Oh, my God, Barb. - Ooh. This day cannot get any worse.

- Come down safely but quickly. - Okay. You got it.

- There you go. - Yes.

- Okay. - Yes. Good job, Melissa.

- Yay. - Okay, okay.

Move it. Move it right.

- Barbara, are you okay? - What happened to her?

- No, I'm not okay. - What happened?

- You stepped on me. - You stepped on her.

- Here we are. Our very bare gym. - Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

See? Ready to move on?

And why is that still up? Mmm?

- It's neither 2009-- - Nor Christmas.

Allow me.

You see, back in 2009, we're in the midst of a subprime mortgage crisis,

but actually you can track that crisis back to a single fish.

- You know what? We're good. - No way. A fish?

I said we're done.

Mmm.

See ya.

Okay, but respectfully, I told you guys: I know Abbott.

- They're always on the up and up. - Yeah.

Sorry for the inconvenience, everyone.

- We felt we had a credible tip. - Yeah.

We will get out of your way now.

- Yeah. - Bye, you guys.

- Take care now. - Come back any time.

- Bye-bye. - The Abbott Supply Fairy has returned.

Coming in hot with some fresh bribes...

...for my number one schemin' school.

Today's menu, these random spellers.

- Pricier than I thought... - Shut up.

...but you can't put a price on silence.

Oh, man. More teachers.

How much do these kids need to learn? Jesus.

Um, we're not teachers. We're from the district.

Oh. Well, it's hard to tell.

You guys should carry yourselves with more confidence.

So, what, are you guys gonna start blackmailing me too?

Oh, my God.

Wait, you're saying that Abbott Elementary has been blackmailing you for supplies?

Which part don't you get?

Which of you is responsible for this?

Yeah, any teacher found to be taking bribes will be suspended.

None of the teachers had anything to do with this.

It was all me.

Ava, you did this?

Yeah, so just go ahead and give me my suspension, and I'll...

I'll go to Cabo.

Are you sure it was only you?

- Well... - Please.

Do any of them look like they have the brains to pull this off?

In that case, Ava, I really hate to do this,

but we have to relieve you of your duties.

Yeah, for how long?

For good.

You're fired.

- What? - Wait, you...

- you said it was just a suspension. - Yeah.

That's when we thought that a teacher was responsible.

Teachers are annoyingly hard to fire thanks to your union.

However, principals--

It's a piece of cake.

- Pack your things, Miss Coleman. - This... This isn't fair, okay?

- Yeah, you have to reconsider. It... - Ava doesn't deserve this.

- She's done wonders for this place. - And she loves our kids.

Guys, I'm sorry, but the district has a zero-tolerance policy

when it comes to administrators.

The protocols are very clear on this.

Of course we'll also be confiscating all bribes wherever you've hidden them.

And every red penny we gave you at the district budget meeting.

Cool, but, um, I can go, right?

Take that as a yes.

Stay golden, Dia.

Don't worry. I'm gonna do what I always do.

I'm gonna put on my thinking cap,

and I am going to figure out a way to solve this.

Think, damn it.

They've already emailed me a letter of termination. It's over.

I'll allow one tear. Just wait till I'm not looking.

All right, Dia.

Come on, grab your stuff. We outta here.

I don't work for you. I work for the school.

You've said it before, but sounds like you mean it this time.

Ava, I'm really sorry, but I think you have to leave your badge.

Ava. Ava!

Ava, quite honestly, I thought this would have happened much sooner.

I thought that you were too selfish to really care about our students.

I thought that we would all be so much better off without you.

But now I see how wrong I've been.

Actually, I've been seeing it for a long time.

Well, thank you.

And Barb, I didn't ask you to teach the music class to make your job harder.

I just...

I know you've been tired and sometimes doing something you love

is the kind of thing that can reinvigorate educators.

Yeah.

And make my job easier, but...

...now I'm unemployed.

Never too late to become a sugar baby.

Coleman out.

There are no guarantees in this career, only challenges.

But the trick is to find a way to deal with those pesky challenges.

I've watched Ava step out of her comfort zone into true leadership.

And I'm feeling I should follow her lead by stepping outside of mine.

Mrs. Howard, are you filling in?

Actually, I'm...

- Taking over permanently. - That's awesome.

I thought I'd never get to have you as a teacher again.

Aw.

Style section, naturally.

Mmm. I'm just gonna take the whole thing.

Yeah.

What the hell?

Oh. Yeah, the word got out, but you know the hype's gonna die down,

and once everyone forgets about it, that's when I swoop in and call dibs.

That's how my sister bagged her first husband.

No cuts, tiny. You after me.

No, no, no. We agreed on spot savesies.

He could go get a snack as long as he got me my phone from my classroom.

You're after me, but you're not gonna wanna be.