Original subtitles

Okay. So, the music teacher Ms. Davis couldn't make it today,

so I'm filling in and I thought that we could make a playlist

starting with some oldies.

Ooh, how about 50 Cent, "In Da Club"?

Okay, no, that's not an oldie, and you shouldn't be listening to that.

"Umbrella" by Rihanna.

That's also not an oldie.

But my mom listens to it when she cleans on Sunday, and she is old.

- She's, like, 30. - Exactly.

Okay, look, a-a-a oldie is something that's from another era.

Like "A Milli" by Lil Wayne?

- It came out in 2005. - I was born in 2018.

- Okay. - I love "A Milli."

It's a classic.

- ♪ A milli, a milli, a milli, a milli ♪ - ♪ A milli, a milli, a milli, a milli ♪

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. All right.

Mr. Eddie, what were iPods like?

We're gonna play "Hot Cross Buns" on the recorder.

- Hey, Roz. - Hey.

Dropping off Of Mice and Men , it was a slay.

Ooh, I am thrilled that as a leader, you're also a reader.

- Period. Hype me up, book baddie. - Come on.

I'm here to collect the books for my class to read.

Oh, uh, you know, Barb, you can bring your kids in later

and I could read to them from those cozy new beanbags we got from the golf course.

I am, uh, freed up since we have Ms. Krystal here as a volunteer.

I know what you guys are thinking.

How could a busy bitch like myself also find time to be a perfect mom,

and I don't know.

And we are so grateful for your contribution.

Yeah.

Wait, y'all got The Sassy Wizard Kid ?

Yeah, girl. It's the story of Jamiroquai Gemstone,

who was raised in a magical barbershop in Atlanta. I--

I know it. And as a Christian, I don't like magic.

I'm a Christian too. And so what if it's got a little magic?

I'm gonna read that Peter Pan .

Yeah, but I also don't like the way the wizard talks to his parents.

Uh, well, Ms. Krystal, I will make sure that your Tamika does not read that book.

Yeah, this doesn't need to be in the library at all.

I've seen the Reddit threads on r/BlackMamasOnTheWatch,

and he's talking about some "abraca-snap-ra" and "alaka-zip-your-lip."

Uh-uh. Not on my watch.

But it gets the children excited about reading.

Oh, and the movie's being directed by Ryan Coogler.

It's like Wicked with better dancing.

Respectfully, I don't care.

Y'all need to get this book out of the library.

You--

- Hey, Gary. - Hey.

How you doing? It's been a minute, huh?

Truth be told, I've been avoiding you

since, you know, the most embarrassing moment of my life.

Yeah, I get it.

Uh... On a separate but kinda related note, I'm getting married.

- What? Wow. - Yeah.

- I was stocking a machine at the hospital... - Yeah?

...and Lucy was a patient.

Oh, no.

- Oh, no, she's okay now. - Okay.

- I mean, who needs tonsils? - Yeah, right?

Anyway, I didn't know if it'd be weird to tell you.

No, why would it be weird? I wanted this for you.

Actually I'd love for you to come to the wedding.

Hey, I am there.

I mean, as long as your bride doesn't mind a loud Sicilian

who gives one too many hugs when she's off that Zinfandel.

- That's you. - That's me.

- All right. - Hey, congrats, you big gagootz.

Ah, thanks. Good seeing you.

Yeah. She's not cuter than me though, right?

I'm legally obligated to say she is, so...

Here you go.

Thank you.

Why are you on Linkedin?

Oh, my God. If you quit,

- this place would lose all of its sparkle. - Hey.

Calm down. I'm just looking for a second job.

My rent's going up soon, and I have a girlfriend.

Well... ...relationships don't cost money.

I mean, if you ignore my first relationship,

I usually spend less when I'm dating someone. Mmm.

Yeah, so I'm just waiting for bites on my resume.

- Right. - Just looking for something part time,

low lift, high pay.

Shouldn't be too hard to find. I have a master's degree.

- He does. - Mmm.

Hey, this career is a grind.

Second job is the plight of teachers.

Barb used to teach night school, and I used to be a pool shark.

You told me that was your first time playing.

Yeah, I did.

"I'm not scared anymore. And I can't..."

Ah, reading it for the second time, Ava?

No, Krystal had the nerve to send me a scathing email

threatening to take this matter to the district.

It is just one parent.

Barb, she's VP of the PTA.

This has the potential to get bigger than all of us.

Unfortunately, this wizard has to disappear.

I didn't wanna take the book off the shelf,

but I was already in hot water with the district.

Sorry, little guy.

But if you made it past the Vogan bridge troll, then you got this.

Go to your seats.

- Hey. Hey. - Hey.

So how's the job hunt going?

Um, it seems promising. Yeah. Uh... You have a situation developing.

Hey, Viv, cut it out. How many times have I told you not to braid Charlie's hair?

He's not even tender-headed.

Viv, what would you do if Charlie touched your hair?

Smack him.

Right, so how about we don't touch Charlie's hair, okay?

Please sit down. Thank you.

Oh, my goodness. See? Teaching is so much.

I don't know how you're gonna handle this and a second job.

It'll be fine.

- Still hunting, huh? - Yeah.

Just drive rideshare.

I have a master's degree in education,

so I think I may be a little overqualified.

- Yeah. - Do you need money?

- Yes. - Sounds like you're qualified.

Let's practice.

- Pick up for Mr. Johnson? - No.

Hey, who are you going to take to Gary's wedding?

Not Sweet Cheeks, right?

I don't think that little booger likes to dress up.

No, no. Probably Captain Robinson. He's always a good time.

Oh, wow. I didn't know you'd leveled up your relationship with the captain.

- That's a big step. - It's the opposite.

That's what I love about our situation. It's like casual.

Be like bringing a friend to an open bar.

What do you mean? You're... You're traveling out of town together.

Next thing you know, you've got a hotel room,

then you're-you're suddenly in brunch territory.

Jacob, he's still saved in my phone as "fireman number two." I think we're good.

Hmm.

Did you ban The Sassy Wizard book from the library?

Uh... Watch your tone. And I did. And?

And I'm here to tell you,

if you don't put Sassy Wizard Kid back in the library pronto,

you're gonna have a big old problem with me, the head P of the PTA. Okay?

- Expect-o, no way, yo. - What the hell are you talking about?

My son was excited to read that book to me at bedtime.

Why are you going to sleep before your son?

I am sleepy.

Tariq, chill. It's just one book.

Okay, cool. Then I want The 48 Laws of Power in the library.

Absolutely not.

You see? This is what happens when we let parents dictate our literary offerings.

It's not fair.

Y'all let Krystal pick and choose what books go in the library.

- Why can't I? - She grown.

You know what? Fine.

I don't need you filing a complaint.

Between me and you, we'll find a way

to get The Sassy Wizard Kid back in the library, okay?

Everybody happy?

Okay, yeah. Cool. I love that.

Sorry that I had to use Law of Power number 21 on you, by the way.

You've been "Tariq-ed."

Ava, what we need to do

is tell the parents that they need to trust us to curate the library.

Nah, this will work.

It's like the fourth installment of The Sassy Wizard Kid .

Where he had to hide his sassiness from the village people.

The people that live in the village, not the group, they would love that.

That magical little bastard kills me. Bless his heart.

This is going to end worse than the end of the New Testament.

Hmm.

Hi, yes, this is Gregory Eddie.

I'm calling to see if you received my application.

Oh, you did? You got it. Great.

R-Right. Right.

Well, did you happen to see that I have a master's degree in--

N-No, no. I don't have any experience sign spinning.

Hello?

The job search? Oh, It's going... it's going great. It's going really great.

Um, Topgolf decided to go with another candidate

for shift manager, but it's fine. That was like my seventh choice.

I got a lot of irons in the fire. I love irons.

I even applied to be a blacksmith,

so to answer your question, it's going great. It's going really great.

- Hey. - Hey, what's up?

Okay, so remember I told you about my ex, Gary.

Well, turns out he's getting married.

Huh. Good for Gary.

Johnny, up the ladder.

Yeah, so you get to be my plus one, huh? It's weekend after next.

Uh. What is that? The 15th? Shoot, I can't. I got plans.

Oh. What kind of plans?

Uh... Well, I'm going to the symphony with a gal.

Yeah, you said you wanted to be casual, so...

Guys, be careful!

Yeah, no, uh, casual. Sure, yeah. I did say casual.

Guys, that thing looks vicious.

- So, we good? - Yeah.

Of course. We're good. It's all good. No worries.

You have fun at the symphony. It's probably your girl's first nice date.

Hey, who's that?

I'll name it Pawtrice.

Okay, well, you're busy. Bye.

"Early one morning, the wind blew a spider across the field."

Ooh.

Hey, Ms. Inez, I'm just here to return this book.

I like the part when he goes "alaka-snap-ra" at the--

- Thank you, Andrew. - Uh-uh.

Where'd you get that book from?

Up there on the secret top shelf behind that secret curtain.

- Hey. It's okay, baby. - Mm-hmm.

A book speakeasy?

Who did this? Who put this here?

Me.

Yeah, I heard you had a problem with The Sassy Wizard Kid .

Can you all please keep it down for my class?

This is neither the time nor the place.

Yes, we all put the book back, Ms. Krystal.

Y'all think I'm playing. I'm going to the district.

- Well, I'm going to Channel 6. - I don't even like Channel 6.

Channel 3 is a much better network.

Now stop it. You all sound worse than the children.

- You're right. - Hmm.

This is your problem.

- What? - Mmm.

Yeah, I said it.

Yeah. Y'all may not know this about me,

but if I put my mind to it, I can be real annoying.

Y'all better fix this.

Yeah. Figure it out.

Clean up these books.

Ooh!

Stop it.

No, no, no, no.

- Hey. Hi. - Hey.

Ooh, you still on for tonight? Taking our couple glamour shots at the mall.

I got the matching overalls.

I really wish I could, but I'm gonna be busy tonight.

I got a new job.

Oh, my gosh, that's amazing. Which one is it? Is it the one at the gym?

- Yeah, where'd you wind up? - Yeah?

Uh, yeah, yeah, actually it is the one at the gym.

I'm gonna be running the front desk.

That is so exciting. Oh, my goodness.

I mean, who wouldn't want to get jacked with you greeting them?

Can I get a free membership?

- I want to get even more swole. - Ah.

Yeah, yeah, I'll definitely look into that.

Uh-huh.

Amazing.

And that is when Moses split that sea, baby.

Wow. Oh, my God, should I read the Bible? Okay, no more spoilers.

Ooh.

Could any more of these damn hipster college kids

move to this town and ruin it?

That's why my Sixers are blowing it.

And the Phillies lost in the playoffs to the Mets.

The Mets, Barb. Damn it!

Melissa, what's going on with you?

I don't know, Barb. It's just a...

I'm having a bad case of whatever the hell day this is.

Lies. Liza Minnelli.

Something is amiss and you are going to spill, sister, okay?

Like the oil that is unfortunately always in our oceans.

Okay, fine.

Captain Rob can't go to Gary's wedding, which is fine.

Doesn't seem like it's fine.

No, it's... You know what? It's not fine. But why? Why isn't it fine?

Why do I care if he goes to the symphony with some slut?

Ooh, Melissa. Sit.

Okay.

Now, do you want him to see other people or not?

No, I-I-I guess I don't.

Sounds like somebody wants to go steady.

Oh.

Oh, fine.

Principal Coleman, I don't know where to put this.

Brandon, do I look like Ms. Inez to you? You see a Arby's logo on my dome?

No, but the library is closed.

Closed?

- They're in the middle of their... - I get it.

What is happening?

Ms. Inez has locked the door to the library.

And my students are in the middle of working on their book reports.

I have two parents cc'ing me nonstop demands and threats.

I can't run a library like this.

So until a resolution is reached, this door remains locked.

Open the door.

Okay, fine. You win.

But can you just open it up real quick for something else?

- I left my inhaler in there. - Oh, I have asthma too.

Oh, girl, I was lying. You good?

If you want the library open, fix this mess.

Ava, it's time.

Wait. Time for what?

Time to call the old elementary school Hail Mary.

- A PTA meeting. - A PTA meeting.

Hey, hey, what's going on with Captain Robinson?

- Did you tell him how you feel? - I got a plan.

Is the plan to tell him how you feel?

The meeting's starting.

Now, there has been a lot of debate

about whether or not to allow a certain book in the library.

Quite frankly, it has gotten out of control,

and so we're going to put it to a vote.

If you don't want The Sassy Wizard Kid in here, raise your hand.

If you do want this book in the library, raise your hand.

Yeah, it's a tie.

You couldn't just do a miscount.

If The Sassy Wizard stays, then I see no reason

why we can't introduce the children to Steve Harvey's entire oeuvre.

Which would pair exquisitely with The 48 Laws of Power .

Exactly. Now what we really need to be talking about banning

is Clifford the Big Red Dog .

- What? - Okay, no. No, no, no.

The only thing we need to be talking about is The Sassy Wizard Kid . Okay?

People. People, please. This is a library.

Order. Order.

- Great, you're here. - Hey. Well, yeah. What do you need?

- My mediating skills? Yeah? - Yes.

- So I ordered pizzas for the meeting... - Okay.

...but the delivery guy won't come to the door,

- so I'm gonna need you to handle that. - What?

- Okay? Yes. Do not look at my photos. - What?

Matter of fact, don't even leave the lock screen.

- Okay. Thank you, thank you. - What are you... Okay. All right.

Oh, text from the delivery guy.

"Gonna leave pizzas on sidewalk outside parking lot." Uh, no, crazy. Um...

That is insane. Ha ha. Please bring them inside to the library, LOL.

Tell him to bring in that pizza or I'll show him

why I was dishonorably discharged from the Salvation Army.

Okay.

While we're at it, I think we need to vote on banning The Little Prince.

Now, why the hell would we do that?

Because it's French. It promotes French values and French food sucks.

This pizza delivery guy is refusing to deliver inside.

- What? Why? It's freezing out. - Yeah. I know. Um...

It's too cold out there. The pizza will freeze. LOL.

Please bring to library. LOL.

- He's refusing to go past admin. What? - Admin? That's weirdly specific.

I know.

Oh, hell nah.

Fire, y'all! Head towards the exits. The plot of Fahrenheit 451 is upon us.

Oh, Mr. Johnson, what's going on?

Sorry folks, false alarm.

False alarm?

Quit badgering me, Jacob. These things are just begging to be pulled.

- Thanks, Mr. J. - You're welcome.

I just hope you finally tell that fireman about your feelings towards me.

Hey.

Hello. I'm the one who's been texting you about the pizza.

Hi... Oh. Hello. Hi. Okay. Whoo.

- Hey. Hi. - Hey. Hi.

This is your new job.

Yeah.

Hmm.

So you kind of lied. Don't love that.

Okay. Yeah. I'm... I'm sorry.

I guess I just didn't want to say what I was doing

after I was so cocky about being overqualified.

Well, there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's honest work.

- You're right. - Yeah.

My pride's a little bruised, but I'll be okay.

How's the PTA meeting going?

Oh, I have no idea.

I've been dealing with this goofy pizza delivery man the whole time.

He's lucky he's cute and a hard worker.

At least you don't have to drive people around.

Hey, are you almost done here? I have to get to the airport.

Yeah, I'm also doing rideshare.

Hey man, you signed up for rideshare pool, okay?

You don't get to call the shots. Wait in the car.

Okay, everybody, let's get back to work.

We still haven't made a decision about The Sassy Wizard Kid .

We have, however, banned 34 other books.

Many of these being classics.

Important books that have shaped us all.

I know you guys remember...

This was your plan? You brilliant monster.

So clearly there's no fire here. Looks like somebody just pulled the alarm.

Yeah, those crazy kids. I mean, you know, parents or...

I'm a single fire captain in a metropolitan city.

This isn't the first time a woman has pulled a fire alarm just to see me.

I didn't pull it.

Mr. Johnson pulled it.

I told him to do it, but he...

Okay, look, I know that we said we're gonna be casual,

but I don't want you to go to the symphony with someone else.

I mean, forget the symphony. I don't...

I think what I'm trying to say is, um...

I think, like, I would love for us to be exclusive.

Exclusive sounds good to me.

I don't even like music.

- Good man. - Come here.

Ooh.

Next time just call. Seriously.

Pulling a fire alarm is a federal offense. I'm gonna have to arrest Mr. Johnson now.

Okay.

- And don't warn him. - Okay.

Is anybody else mad about anything?

Let's get rid of Everybody Poops ,

'cause most days I don't, and that's a problem.

- Ew. - Okay, enough. Look.

You can find a problem in any book,

but there are so many ideas in these books

that your children will never experience or learn from if you don't let them read.

Yeah, like in the last chapter of The Sassy Wizard Kid ,

he was gonna give up on magic,

but then he used the "grow-ithus mind-sethidus" spell

to defeat the Dower Candy Lady.

So wait, these books are teaching kids about having a growth mindset?

- Yes. - Oh.

"Grow-ithus mind-sethidus." I get it now. That wizard kid is deep.

Yeah, well, I just didn't want my kid

reading something that taught her how to be disrespectful to adults.

Then talk to her.

Yeah, have a conversation.

- Mmm. - Like the one we're having right now.

And I've had Tamika in my class. She's smart.

She can handle a conversation.

- Can. - Mm-hmm.

And I bet that she could also handle The 48 Laws of Power .

Stop it. Just stop it.

All right. Law 39, stir up water, catch fish.

I'm gonna let y'all chew on that.

Well, I guess I may have taken this a little too far.

- Duh. - My bad.

I'll talk to Tamika and we should reopen the library without outside interference.

Hallelujah! And I've got a book that all of y'all can read next.

- Run before she starts quoting, y'all. - Meeting adjourned.

"With the strength of an unc making ribs on Father's Day,

the Sassy Wizard Kid raised his magic incense stick

and remembered his father's lesson from the barbershop."

Ooh, this is my favorite part.

I know y'all on the edge of your edges--

"So you got to check yourself before you wreck yourself,

and he cast his final spell."

- Mom, can we leave now? - Almost done.

My B. My B.

Allies should be seen, not heard. Yeah.

- "And 'alaka-zip-your-lip.'" - "Alaka-zip-your-lip."

The end.