Original subtitles

Okay, then, what does that mean?

"You fool, you thought you were stealing my inheritance from my mother,

but we have the same mother and our father is Diego, the milkman."

Nice!

If you have a second language when applying to high schools,

they are more likely to accept you, but we don't have a Spanish class,

so I got creative.

I am teaching my students through telenovelas,

or as I like to call it... ...inmersión.

Okay, who wants to try on their own?

Yes.

Translate.

"Sometimes I feel like God.

When I order somebody killed, they die the same day."

Some of the kids prefer watching Narcos.

Um... Whatever works.

All right, class, can anybody tell me what number we are celebrating tomorrow?

- One hundred! - That's right,

we will be celebrating 100 days of school.

The hundredth day of school is a big to-do nowadays.

In order to beat the "When is summer break?" blues,

the students dress up as hundred-year-olds and have a parade.

It's a less scary Halloween.

Now, 100 pennies is a...

- Dollar! - A dollar!

One hundred years is a...

Long time.

Close, but we call it a...

Century!

That's right, a century.

Ms. Howard, it's ringing.

Yes, it is ringing.

That's ringing too.

That is ringing too. You know what? I'm sorry, class,

my daughter is calling me and I, uh...

Okay, okay, so now how do we turn on the video and turn off the ringer?

Help me, Jesus. Help me, Jesus.

I'm Margaret.

- Thank you, Margaret. - You're welcome.

Taylor, sweetheart, why are you calling me on every device in the world?

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. We have some good news.

We're pregnant.

Class, I'm gonna be a grandmother!

Oh, my gosh! Sweetheart!

And we're moving back to Philly so we can be near you and Dad.

Oh! I have been praying so long for that to happen. Yes, God is good.

I can't wait to see you with our little bundle of joy every single day.

Every day?

Every day.

Well... Oh.

Well, what should I be called as a grandmother?

I mean, um, Gigi? Hmm. Yaya?

Baba? No.

Lady Baba. Yes.

Oh, but tell me this: Did I miss the wedding?

Uh, you're cutting out. Okay, I love you, Mom.

Yeah, I love you too, baby.

Oh, class, we are dancing for 100 seconds of joy.

"Possums" can be spelled with an O or a P, depending on where the animals live.

Dia, if I find out you're lying...

Please let me go back to work.

Good morning, ladies. Got a few tickets,

uh, for one of them under "reasons" you just put "flood."

One of Gregory's students poured water on his computer, hoping to make it grow.

It's kind of adorable.

Okay, well, you know where Gregory's room is.

Oh, yeah. Uh, I'll get right on it.

He is so annoying.

Why is he so annoying?

First, you're nosy.

Second, he stays in my phone, but he hasn't asked me out.

He keeps asking me about my interests and hobbies and stuff.

- Sounds awful. - Watch your tone.

I'm just used to a more forward man, you know?

I don't wanna talk about my favorite movie.

I want to talk about what you gonna do to me. You gonna me?

me?

me?

But it's okay, cause it's mutual.

I'ma you too, you know what I'm saying?

Just so you know, I am slowly building my case.

So? Your turn.

Hey, Ava, what time is the parade tomorrow?

Wondering if the whole afternoon is a wash or if we have time to teach one thing.

- 1:30. - Wash.

Hey, Jacob, can you hand me an apple, please? Thank you.

No, oh, one of the organic ones.

I can handle the pesticides, but it's for Sweet Cheeks.

I gotta watch out for his sensitive tum-tum.

Totally. It's not like he eats his own poo.

He did that one time and it was because you frightened him

and that's probably why he's been lethargic and not using his wheel.

Or it could be because he's a pea-brained rat.

- Whoa! - "Rat" is crazy.

Run. Count to ten.

Everybody, I have big news!

- You're getting married. - No, I'm already married.

- My inversion table has arrived. - No.

Janine pregnant again?

My baby is having a baby! I'm gonna be a grandmother!

Oh, my God! Yes! Yay. Finally.

Finally.

Gregory, how does it feel now that your girlfriend, Barb's fake daughter,

is gonna be a fake aunt to your ex-girlfriend's baby,

which makes you a fake uncle to your "could have been" child?

What's wrong with you?

Oh, Barbara, you are going to be such a great grandmother.

- Mm-hmm. - I wish I had met my grandmas.

I wish I had more time with mine.

You two are a match made in heaven.

Constantly sucking the air out of the room. Damn.

Aw. Thank you.

I had two amazing nonnas. One had eyes like a hawk.

She could spot a wire under a wool sweater.

The other one: hearing like a wax moth.

She could hear the rustle of the wire under a silk blouse.

Um, are all of your grandmothers dead?

Oh, no. One of mine is still alive.

She doesn't remember who I am, but it doesn't matter

because she has the two things that every good grandma needs:

hypertension and a muumuu.

- A muumuu? - You'll never find one in my closet,

but every grandmother worth her weight in salt has one.

It's a dress, a blanket, and a napkin all in one.

I long for that kind of efficiency in a garment.

- Yeah, Barb is too young for muumuus. - Thank you.

One grandchild does not mean it's muumuu time.

Uh-huh.

The male body can withstand a muumuu.

I wouldn't mind a "menmuu."

Hey, you gotta stop pitching the "menmuu." We talked about this.

- It's an untapped market. - No.

Good instinct, but, um, that usually only works on small electronics.

- Ah. Well, it's worth a try. - Yeah.

I told you teachers, keep your hands off my grains.

Attention, Abbott Elementary. I need to drink more water,

and it would be nice if you all helped me with that moving forward.

That is all. For now.

She's hilarious.

- Is she? - Yeah, man.

I think she's cute. I'm gonna ask her out.

What? Oh, my God. Finally.

I've been waiting for this moment ever since I saw you two in my classroom.

- Where did you come from? - Forget where I came from.

Where you gonna go with Ava?

- Uh... Dinner? - Oh, okay.

- You're gonna take Ava to a restaurant. - Okay. Yeah.

All right. You know, just make sure it has Michelin stars, plural.

And if you're thinking about going to a movie after,

she said on multiple occasions, premieres only.

Mm-hmm. And if you're thinking mini golf... ...don't be an idiot.

- Gigantic golf. Yeah. - Thanks. All right.

- I'll try to keep all this in mind. - Mm-hmm.

Maybe she'll like a nice gigantic walk in the park or something.

- Nice walk in the park. - Oh God, he's gonna crash and burn.

- We have so much work to do. - Yeah.

- Clear your schedule. - Mm-hmm.

Okay, so... Oh!

What are we doing?

Look, I'm sorry I snapped yesterday and called Sweet Cheeks a rat.

In my culture, people have been whacked for that.

Well, as an apology,

um, I know you were concerned about his cardiovascular health,

and so I researched, and...

Aw!

Jacob, that is so sweet.

But don't touch him or his cage again. Capisce?

- Yeah. - Okay, look at you.

He actually jumped in there himself like a duck takes to water.

Look at him. He's having a ball.

Yeah, you know, I'm really sorry I get so dramatic about this little stinkpot.

He's just like a light in my life when I needed it most,

and if anything ever happened to him, I might run into traffic, you know?

Aw, what, did you run out of gas already, bubba?

Oh, he's probably just, uh, tired.

Like you said, he's not used to all that exercise.

Jacob. Jacob, what did you do?

- Oh boy. Okay, don't worry. - Oh, my God.

- How fast could he run? - Six miles per hour.

Twice as fast as a human can walk,

especially if that human has two broken knees.

- Uh-huh. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Everybody stay still! Stay still!

Sweet Cheeks.

Good morning, old ones. Yes, all of you centenarians.

Well, be careful of that back now.

My "arthritises" are acting up.

Your "arthritises"? Eh.

Oh, I love your muumuu.

Now, that is an appropriate use of a muumuu on a hundred-year-old.

Thank you, Mrs. Howard.

You're welcome.

Oh, little Miss Margaret. Girl, you look fabulous.

Thank you. I'm you.

- You who? - I'm dressed as you.

Well, why would you be dressed as me?

'Cause you're a hundred years old.

I am not a hundred years old.

Well you're the oldest person we know. Say, you a grandma.

Okay, first of all, the oldest person you know is Mr. Johnson,

and secondly, grandmothers can be young.

You're way older than my grandma.

You're even older than Mrs. Teagues, and she's like 50.

Ms. Teagues is neither 50 nor a grandmother.

- Mrs. Howard, don't be sad. - Yes?

You look great for 100.

Sure do, Barb. You gotta tell me your secret.

I wanna look that good when I'm your age.

She younger than me? Damn. There I was, trying to be nice.

Oh, no.

I am so sorry I lost Sweet Cheeks, Melissa.

I don't wanna hear it right now.

The only thing that's important is finding Sweet Cheeks.

Everyone knows that finding a missing guinea pig

in the first 48 minutes is critical.

We need a picture. What does he look like?

What do you mean, "What does he look like?"

He's a guinea pig. He's brown fur, white spots, whiskers.

You don't need to be nasty.

Last time I saw him he was wearing a red wig and a pleather jacket.

How am I supposed to know what his drip is gonna be today?

Okay, I gotta take my kids down to the library for the hundred-day photos.

I'll look in there. You take the teacher's lounge.

- Okay. - I'll take my closet.

Anyone else will get lost in there.

Okay, search party on. Meet you in the cafeteria in 30 minutes.

Sweet Cheeks!

Hey, Ava.

Hey, just out of curiosity, do you have a favorite place you like to go?

- The bank. - Oh, okay, interesting.

And do you have like a favorite thing?

- Money. - Mmm. All right.

And what's something you like to do for fun?

Take my money to the bank. Now get away from me, Janine.

Okay, girlfriend.

- Hey, so I have some intel for you. - Hey.

I'm just working on something right now.

- On places where you can take Ava. - Okay.

Have you ever heard of the Department of the US Treasury?

And you would not believe it,

but she came dressed as me because she thought I was a hundred years old.

Barb, these kids have no idea how old any of us are. Watch.

Andrew, guess our ages?

- Not touching that. - Smart kid.

Stevenson, how old do you think we all are?

- Forty-nine years old. - Pretty close.

- Thirty-seven years old. - Spiritually, yeah.

- And you're 19. - Well, thank you.

- See? No idea how old we are. - Yeah. Yeah.

Sixty-three.

Why? I'm poreless.

I don't know. Your cardigan,

your pearls, the way you wear your phone around your neck.

- It's practical. - Also...

...the way you talk like this.

You have a diction from an olden time.

You know, you're a mighty fresh young man. And that doesn't mean I like your outfit.

- Hey, man. So about this Ava thing... - Yo. Yo, yo.

Uh-huh.

You sure you wanna do this Ava thing?

You know, she did date Andre Iguodala.

She still might be.

Oh, you know, if she is then she'll say no.

But if not, maybe she'll say yes.

Yeah, okay. Um...

Hypothetically speaking, do you think you could secure a boat?

Or like a yacht?

In Philly?

Yes.

Aha!

Man, what are you doing?

I was looking for Sweet Cheeks.

Thought he might be under there in a Ratatouille situation.

Man, I don't need no damn rodent to help me clean.

Anything?

I thought I had found him, but it turned out to be a mirage

- and/or an astigmatism. - I got nothing.

I can't believe this. Jacob, you are dead to me, and I mean it this time.

Okay, I'm... I'm so sorry, okay, but we will find him. All right?

We can't lose hope.

Well, you better hope that we find him soon

because there's about to be a parade of kids stomping through here.

No guinea pig should have to face Timberlands, Jacob.

Timberlands.

Hello, Eva. Oh, what are you drawing there?

Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone.

Wow, that's... ...actually very good.

What's up, Barb?

Well, Ava, you know, you dress so well. Youthful, really.

You sound like you're trying to borrow my car. What's going on, Barbara?

I need a makeover. Help me, please.

I've been waiting for you to ask me for a makeover since the moment we met.

It's time to throw out those pearls, Barb.

Oh, no, these pearls will be placed respectfully in my pocketbook,

right next to my peppermints, thank you.

But I was thinking,

why don't I stop by after work so I can have a styling session?

No, follow me.

Because why go to my place when the clothes can come to you?

Just got this bad boy installed.

Another "gift" courtesy of Miles Nathaniel and the team at Girard Creek.

- Wow. - Ooh. I'm gonna Miss Congeniality you.

- Yes. - No, Princess Diaries.

- Ooh. - Ooh, no. Love & Basketball.

Ooh, White Chicks. Oh, wait, sorry. Wrong movie.

- Unless? - Oh, no, no, no, not that movie.

Those Olsen twins, oh, they scare me.

Oh, no, that's... Let's get to it.

Look over there. Sweet Cheeks, baby.

Come here.

Melissa, you sound ridiculous. It goes like this.

My God, there's a parade about to start soon...

Chirp, chirp, chirp. ...-and my little stinker is out here alone

with terrible depth perception.

What are you doing, Jacob?

Uh, it's the Ellis method. It's used by lifeguards.

It's the most efficient way of scanning... Oh, no, I'm making myself dizzy.

- Oh, my God. Mmm. - What? You found him?

I see two sweet cheeks, but it sure ain't your boy.

- Oh. - Hello, everybody.

I'm so sorry that we're late.

Wow.

All right, class, remember when the music starts, so do we.

Hey, Barbara. Hey, you okay?

- Yes, I'm fine, in more ways than one. - Okay.

Yes, you are.

I see you, Mrs. Howard. Okay, look.

Thank you, Crystal.

♪ Do you really want to live forever? ♪

There you are, you little bugger.

- We've been worried sick. - Oh! You found him?

I did.

Mr. Johnson, that is not Sweet Cheeks.

I know that. You're not the only person that loses things, Jacob.

Bad news. Something chewed through these cables. You guys might have mice.

- Let me see that wire. - Here.

That's not a mice bite. That's a guinea pig nibble.

And it's fresh. Sweet Cheeks is around here somewhere.

Now a special surprise.

The Abbott Elementary step team performing to Kirk Franklin "Stomp."

- Okay. Don't freak out. - They're gonna stomp him.

They're gonna stomp him. No stomping, for the love of God.

He could be...

Stomp carefully!

♪ Glory, Glory ♪

All right... No.

- We should make an announcement. - Yeah. Okay.

Stop stomping!

It's fine. He's probably not even in this room. Um...

♪ Lately, I've been going Through some things ♪

♪ That's really got me down ♪

I love this song.

- Some of their moves. - Stomp carefully. No!

- Stop it! - Sorry. Sorry.

♪ Somebody to help me ♪

Barbara looks, uh, super fly. Dressed to kill as some would say.

Oh, um... Was she wearing that earlier?

No, and I don't even know where she got that outfit.

Avalicious clothing company, where comfort comes second.

- She said she wanted a makeover. - What? Why?

I don't ask why. I just change lives like Queer Eye.

Not everyone gets into everybody's business, Janine.

- I'm gonna look into it. - Of course you are.

Are her heels lopsided or is she veering left for balance?

All right. Whoo.

Oh, we're never gonna find him.

This is what I get for opening my heart to love.

Look.

Wigs don't have legs. Ah! Oh, my God.

Oh!

- I'm so sorry I lost you, buddy. - Come here. Come here. Come here.

You should have told me he's wearing a wig. I could've found him earlier.

Oh, Lord.

Hey, Barb. Just wanted to pop by and say how much I love your new look.

- Thanks, Janine. - Out of curiosity, what inspired it?

- Just wanted to try something new. - Mm-hmm.

- Ava gave me these jeans... - Mmm.

...said a man named Florida wrote a song about 'em.

Ah, yes.

Well, you are certainly going to be the coolest looking grandma

this side of the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

And there's that word again.

- Turnpike? - Grandma.

Oh, yeah.

Is that what's getting to you?

Taylor's moving back home, and she's gonna want me to watch the baby all the time.

- Isn't that a good thing? - Obviously, yes, it is a good thing,

but what if it becomes my whole life?

I mean, what if I'm retired sitting at home in a muumuu

watching my grandchild before I joineth the Lord?

No, Barb. Not joineth.

Just not ready to be that old that fast.

Well, you don't have to do it that way,

and you can set boundaries with Taylor,

and you get to decide what kind of grandma you are.

By the way, you can never be one of those muumuu-wearing grandmas

because you're cool. And you're glam. You're "glamma." Huh.

Janine.

You have gotten much better about giving advice.

Well, I have this wonderful mentor in my life

who taught me about the importance of setting boundaries.

That person's name is Jacob.

Just kidding. It's you. It's you.

Glamma.

- Glamma. - Right?

- You know, that has a nice ring to it. - Yep.

Yeah. I'm gonna call Taylor and have a nice little chat with her.

Okay.

- Where's your phone? - I have no idea.

You know, I do not know how you young people do this without phone necklaces.

- Honestly, we drop a lot of phones. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, you might be onto something. Good. - Mmm.

- Oh, but I got my gloss. Yes. Come on now. - Oh, okay. Beautiful.

Glamma, baby. Glamma.

So he rents out the theater and the red carpet.

- She thinks it's a private premiere. - We can get carpet anywhere.

- Oh, hey. - Hey, hey, hey.

- How you doing? - Good.

- So we have been talking... - Uh-huh.

...and we have figured out the perfect date proposal.

You will need

- a helicopter. Uber Blade. - A helicopter.

Because she loves helicopters, and she loves Blade.

Try to make it seem like it's not a rideshare.

- How will he pretend it's not a rideshare? - We talked about this.

By pretending to find something expensive of his on the ground.

But, like, what expensive though? We didn't--

Because he's gonna say, "Oh, my God, my expensive watch."

You wanna go on a date with me?

- Yes. - All right, I'll text you.

I know. I'm saying it can be anything. It's not about that. All right?

- Like a whole chandelier? - I'm just throwing out options...

- All right. - Hey. Oh, whoa.

- Hey. What happened? Did she say yes? - What happened?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Took all your wonderful advice. Thanks, guys.

- We slayed that. - Yeah, we...

Say slay.

...did. Yeah.

- She's gonna eat him alive. Mm-hmm. - I know.

You look really pretty, Mom.

Just something I'm trying today.

Sweetheart, I'm so excited about your big news and becoming a grandmother.

And your father and I, we want to watch the baby,

but we can't provide full-time childcare.

Of course, Mom, we get it.

And don't worry, Paul's parents said that they want to watch the baby too.

Now wait a minute. That's my glam child.

Your what? - Oh.

I would like to be called "Glamma."

Um... See, Paul's mom is actually going by that.

The hell she is.

Yes?

I heard what you did for Barbara.

I was wondering if you could give me a little zhuzh.

I only have women's clothes.

Well, I'm game.

Hold this.

Hey, is this me?

Yeah, sure.

Here, try this.

Holy Cowboy Calling. I look incredible.

Yee. And allow me to stress, haw.

Yeah.