Original subtitles

Are you cheating? 'Cause I think you're cheating.

- I'm not cheating, you're cheating. - Not even close.

- My conscience is clear. - Mine is clearer.

I didn't even bring my phone to school.

- I threw my phone away. - Hmm.

Gregory and I have a bet on who can go the longest without looking at our phone.

We're trying to be a little bit more present with each other as a couple.

Mm-hmm. I'm obviously going to win. And he will pay me in one kiss.

Hmm. "You'll never guess who Kim K. is dating now."

- How do you do that? - What?

- Just sit there with nothing. - My social media? All up here.

- Okay. - They're making another Jumanji?

- All right, that's it. Give me your phone. - No.

- No, gimme it. - No.

- Give me your phone. - Janine, are you...

No. If I can't have my phone, I don't wanna hear about it.

- No. - Which Jumanji are they remaking?

- Hey. - Which one?

- And who is she dating? - No.

Are they making the one with The Rock? Is she dating The Rock?

I won.

And I helped.

I have a broken phone screen.

But you know what has never been broken?

This friendship.

Ah. Spring is on its way. Pop music is back.

Coffee's almost warm. It's gonna be a good day.

Good morning, everyone.

Well, try again tomorrow.

Hey, Morton, didn't I see you roll up to school today on a scooter?

My ex-wife got the car,

as well as half of everything my other ex-wife didn't get half of.

That's still twice as much as you deserve.

Listen up. Next week is the science fair. It's gonna be our best ever.

I even got a trophy for first place. I'm calling it the Morty.

Isn't that just a basketball trophy?

Okay. This is the sun. It's the foundation of our solar system--

It is engraved, "Your season was a swish."

Did you just steal that from the trophy case and spray paint it?

Okay, moving on. I've already found sponsors for the kids' supplies.

Now all I need are two volunteers to be judges with me.

And a couple of teachers to help supervise the kids in science lab--

- Yep. Me. - Me.

- Okay. You two. - Yes.

How about the judges?

All right, I thought that might happen. So I decided to draw names from a hat.

It's better to work with the kids than risk judging with Morton.

'Cause the power always goes straight to his head.

It's like Mr. Johnson whenever there's a spill.

Melissa's bringing my name into something again?

The woman's obsessed with what she can't have.

Okay. And our first judge is

Jacob.

Wait, what? Wait, Jacob who?

And our second judge is

Jacob.

All right. Let's try this again.

"Jacob." Okay, if you really want to do this so bad,

you could've just volunteered instead of cheating.

- Here we go. Barbara. - Oh... Wait, what?

I wrote down Jacob.

Don't look at me. I was one of the Jacobs.

I wrote down Barbara.

Thank you.

Hello. What's your experiment?

I'm gonna make a volcano.

Oh. That sounds like a blast.

Okay.

So what're you gonna do, Eric?

I'm gonna see what type of potato makes the brightest light.

Oh. How about you, Courtney?

I'm conducting a social experiment.

It would compromise my findings if I told you any more at this juncture.

As long as you don't besmirch my name, go off.

I wanna do an experiment on water filtration,

but I couldn't get my permission slip signed.

Um-- Well, we're gonna be working with some potentially dangerous tools,

so maybe you wanna go to Principal Coleman's office

- and see if there's something she can do? - All right.

- Hello. - I wanna burn things on the Bunsen burner.

Oh. All right. But what is your hypothesis gonna be?

That it's fun to burn things?

As long as your permission slip is signed, yeah.

Get in line, kid.

- Hey, Ava. Sorry to bother, but-- - Then don't.

So, while I was getting a haircut,

I mentioned the school was doing a science fair.

And your dad happened to overhear and asked if the barbershop could sponsor.

I am so tired of men talking to each other.

Right. I-I just... I didn't know if you and him were--

There is no me and him.

There's him and his other family though.

Okay. Um, well, just wanted to give you a heads-up.

Here is the donation.

Money is money. Scram.

Principal Coleman, they're saying I can't do the science fair

'cause my permission slip isn't signed.

Can't believe you need permission to be a nerd.

I left it on the table, right next to my dad's keys.

He forgot to sign it. He always forgets.

That does sound like something a dad would do.

Tell me about your project.

I'm testing various filtration methods to see how to get the cleanest water.

Ooh. For when we lose access to running water

and the proxy wars escalates into World War Z?

For when I go camping.

Oh. Well, I can help you.

Doesn't look like it's going too well so far.

This is my control.

It's straight from the school's water fountain.

Ugh. Someone really needs to do something about this nasty-ass school.

Gimme that paper.

And most importantly, we must see a clear hypothesis and gather data.

This isn't a game. This is the volunteer science fair, grades three through eight.

You have the science part down, so I will be judging them on presentation.

I was thinking, points for glitz, bonuses for glamour.

And I would like to focus on, you know, should this project even be explored.

You know, what are the ripple effects?

Science doesn't care about glitz or glamour or morals.

You build the A-bomb, you don't worry about how it's used.

First of all, yikes.

And second of all, presentation does matter, as do morals.

That is a very simplistic approach to a subject that actually matters,

which I realize is new for you both.

You know something? You are tap-dancing on my last nerve, Morton.

And I don't like the choreography.

And if this is the way that you are gonna run things,

well, the only thing I will be judging is you.

Guilty.

Case closed. You are hereby sentenced to never speak to us again.

Period.

- Is this what we're gonna use? - Yes, absolutely.

Oh. Hi, Tyree. Welcome back. You got your permission slip signed?

Sure did. By me. He's good to go.

To wipe the floor with all y'all.

- What? - Excuse me?

You heard me. With my help, Tyree's project is taking first place.

And it won't be close, so might as well give up now.

Ava, the science fair is not about winning.

Oh. Good job, that's exactly what a loser sounds like.

Why are you even here? You know nothing about science.

- You don't? - No, I do.

I-I have questions about science, but i-isn't that the entire point?

Right? I'm "science-ing" right now.

Ava, this is supposed to be for the kids.

- We don't need to be overly involved. - Yeah.

Unless you're saying you think you're better than me.

Well, I wasn't gonna say that, but of course that's what I think.

- Oh. We are going to wreck you. - We?

- Okay, wait. Don't forget about us. - Us?

Yes, because our project is educational and extremely cool.

- Eh, it's not that cool. - No.

Melissa, it's a volcano. It's the coolest thing ever.

Then you're in trouble,

because the only thing Janine knows less about than science

- is what's cool. - Ooh!

Don't worry,

I know science.

And I know cool.

Oh! Ooh!

And that wasn't cool. That was extremely hot.

And my arm hurts, so I'm gonna go to the nurse to make sure I'm all right. Yeah.

Uh, Clarissa, I'll be back. We're gonna win this thing.

Ouch.

Excuse me, can anyone help me?

I can help you.

And you're in luck, 'cause I used to work at NASA.

I was a hidden figure.

Okay, but I saw that movie, and I don't remember you in it.

That's how hidden I was.

Not only are we winning that trophy, we can bottle this stuff and sell it.

Evian.

More like Ava-ian.

- Ms. Teagues, I don't wanna lose. - Mm-hmm.

Oh. You won't, because you've got me on your team.

Okay, I was thinking, how about if I paint my volcano purple

and put glitter all over it?

Oh. Okay.

Um... Or, better idea,

what if we do something that will make it good so that we win?

'Cause... Right? It's about winning.

Ms. Schemmenti, maybe I could put funny eyes on my potato and draw a silly mouth.

This isn't a Mr. Potato Head, Eric.

This is the future of energy production in America.

Now go get some copper wiring.

And get some butter in case we get hungry.

Jacob, I've been thinking.

We were pretty hard on Morton, and maybe we should help him.

That's funny because I was just thinking we should erase him from our minds.

Eternal Sunshine style.

Okay, but I would prefer to do the godly thing.

Barbara, that man is Beelzebub.

It is not just about Morton. The science fair needs our balance.

He told me once that he drove to New York instead of flying because,

and I quote, "My biggest fear in life is lady pilots."

You wouldn't be doing it for him. You're doing it for the children.

Come on.

Fine.

But I think we could all stand to care a little less about the children.

Jacob.

- This looks so good. - Mm-hmm.

Can we glue some jelly beans on it?

Well, how many times have you seen jelly beans on a volcano?

I've never seen a volcano.

Neither have I. But I'm pretty sure there's no jelly beans on them.

So how about we glue some of those little trees on?

Oh.

But volcanoes have little trees.

Um. I'm gonna go borrow the glue gun from Ms. Schemmenti, okay? Be right back.

Yeah, I don't know. It's just lacking, like, a wow factor.

Are you familiar with the Vegas Sphere?

- No, but I think this is good. - Okay.

It's not about what you think is good. It's about me beating Ava.

I mean, you beating Ava.

I mean, you winning the trophy. You know what, you know what I mean.

- Hey, Melissa. - Hey.

Hey. Could I borrow your glue gun?

Uh... Yeah, we're using it right now. So...

Wow.

Oh. What do you got here?

A potato trying to power a little itty-bitty light bulb?

Yeah, that's cool, I guess.

When we're done, that thing's gonna light up the whole Vegas Strip.

Why do you keep talking about Vegas?

Hey, why don't you just let me borrow it? We're supposed to be trying to beat Ava.

It's gotten so much bigger than Ava now, hon.

I heard Tasha is working with some kid on a hoverboard.

- What? - Even Dia is helping somebody.

And who knows what this little one's up to.

Hey, you put that back.

Put-- Put it back. Put it back, ya snaggletooth.

And you quit spying on us.

Where did he go?

Where'd who go? You okay?

Uh... I will be when I win this science fair, fair and square.

When you win? I thought this is just for the kids.

Don't you think you're taking this a little bit too s--

Seriously? Love when we finish each other's...

Aw. I love that you never cut me off.

- Is that charcoal? - What's it look like?

Aye, you know you can't grill in here, right?

Y'all weren't saying that when you was eatin' them ribs I made.

Hey, help me with this.

Oh, my...

What the...

- Getting-- - Perfect.

- What... - That looks pretty elaborate.

Just wanna know what you have going on there.

Yeah, how about you mind your business though, okay?

Wow.

All right. Uh, we need to scrap the volcano and start over.

- But I like this. - I know.

But likes are for Instagram, and we need love to win the Morty.

Can't believe I just called it that.

Let's get to work.

Um...

- Is it working? - Uh, no.

- It's just spreading it everywhere. - Then it's working.

Mr. Morton, we would like to apologize for storming out on you.

And we will consider coming back as judges,

but only if we are treated as equals.

Science is a meritocracy.

You'll be treated as equal if you are equal.

- And we're out. - Oh, yeah.

Okay. Hold on, hold on.

- Look, I know I can come across as harsh. - Uh-huh.

So you're aware of it and you still do it.

But science is not a place for leniency.

I'm rigid because science is rigid.

And dryly-delivered data falls on deaf ears.

Data fall.

Data is the plural of datum.

I swear to God, Morton!

Mr. Morton, we are trying to help you make this science fair...

...as good as it can possibly be.

Well, these kids volunteered for the science fair.

They want to learn.

So if we wanna make this as enriching as possible, we cannot go easy on them.

We will do our best to uphold the highest of our individual standards.

Team?

Team.

Team.

Just headed to my mailbox to get my volcano parts.

Just wait till you see the size of my hose.

Your hose doesn't scare me. But your mouth annoys me.

So close it.

Hello.

Uh, I'm Frank. One of the sponsors for the science fair.

Ooh. You seem scared. You're scared, aren't you?

The sponsors aren't supposed to come until the fair tomorrow.

Well, good to know.

Uh, actually, is Ava around?

You might as well forfeit. But when you do, you should call it four feet.

'Cause you're short.

Nice burn.

What're you doing here?

Well, I didn't know if you got the money I donated. I didn't hear from you.

Of course that's why you gave it.

Well, I have tried to reach out before.

Frank, what are we doing?

I have a school to run and a science fair to win.

Fine. I-I'll get out of your hair. And go cut someone else's.

- That wasn't funny. - Come on, Ava.

Ava. [sighs] I'm so sorry.

- He seems like he's trying. - It's just...

the hole in my heart is so big.

I just...

Oh, Ava. I'm so--

Get your little feelings out of here, girl. I'm fine.

I'm gonna kick your ass tomorrow.

Please. You couldn't reach my ass to kick it.

Hey, and remember to speak clearly. This isn't a presentation, all right?

This is Carnival.

You're the ringleader, the volcano is the elephant,

I'm the cotton candy, and Barb is the customer.

- What? - Okay, remember, kid.

It's all about showmanship. Like, you've heard of Wayne Newton, right?

Um, I've tried his cookies.

That's Fig Newton. Oh, my God. No.

All right, dress rehearsal time. Run it.

We have successfully made Abbott's drinking water drinkable.

That's right.

And then you're gonna extend your hands so that you can take hold of the trophy.

Okay. Oh, look, they're judging that little cutie-patootie over there.

Let's see.

For my project, I proved that watering white flowers

with food coloring changes the color of the flowers.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was at the obvious fair.

Well, I think it's lovely.

Those are some pretty colors.

I know it's tempting to be nice, but remember,

the students need the truth.

The higher the standards, the more they'll actually learn.

Sorry, sweetheart.

But it looks like you just poured Kool-Aid on your flowers.

Yeah, how will this help society?

Uh... It's pretty.

I would argue that our obsession with beauty is actually hurting society.

- This is a zero. Let's move on. - Mm-hmm.

So basically you're telling us that you've learned nothing

in practical experimentation that you couldn't have learned in a book.

Barbara, Jacob. Anything to add?

Well, yellow highlighter on a white poster board, it's a bit off-putting.

Sweetheart, your message is lost.

Did you think about how this would impact global warming?

Global what? You're really starting to sound like a conspiracy theorist, Jacob.

Oh. Courtney, sweetheart.

Why don't you go back to your project station?

We will be with you shortly.

My project is ongoing.

Ah, our sponsors are here.

Gregory, great to see you.

The forced interactions at the barbershop are already not fun for me.

"Hey, Gregory. Would you let a female buy you dinner?"

Now it's followed me to work.

I'm gonna start shaving my head.

And this is meant to be to scale?

- A scale. It's-- - No.

No, of course it's not. No.

Is that the brightest light you could've found?

- Barb, come on. It's me. - Hmm.

And you chose a sample study over observational for convenience?

My next filtration system will be to filter you out of this school.

After tallying everything up, we'd like to announce that the winner is...

nobody.

What?

But each of your projects were amazing in their own way.

Yes. Unfortunately, no one project satisfied

all the judges' wildly different standards.

How can a volcano be culturally appropriated?

I produced light from a potato.

What have you made from a potato besides hash browns?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Ms. Howard's just a hater.

- Yeah! - Okay.

Listen. We understand your frustration, but this is good.

Science is all about trial and error.

These rules are absurd and have nothing to do with their projects.

I just wanted to paint my volcano and put jelly beans on it,

- but Ms. Teagues wouldn't let me. - Oh.

And I wanted to put googly eyes on my potato.

- That was you. - That would've been cool as hell.

Those eyes would've been all like, "Whoa."

Yeah.

The grown-ups took this way too seriously.

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, calm down.

You don't get to judge us anymore. Okay, fellow scientists.

Change your projects back to what you wanted them to be.

And then we'll judge ourselves and choose our own winner.

Yeah! Yeah!

Absolutely not.

Too late, we already whooped in agreement.

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, guys. Maybe we went a wee bit overboard.

- Yeah. It's 'cause I hate losing. - Mm-hmm.

It doesn't matter if it's a dumb potato or the ponies.

The only way to feel better is just keep making those bets.

Well, don't look at me. I was helping. Then y'all went and made it competitive.

I'm the victim in this, quite honestly.

This is what I do.

I take great things, and I turn them into bad things.

I think it's a good thing that the students are doing this for themselves.

No, you're wrong, I'm right.

I did it with my first wife, did it with my second wife.

Even almost pushed you guys away, my new best friends.

Morton, I think that you should, um...

think about your problems scientifically.

Well, consider this.

You are Y, and your exes are L's.

Well, if all of the L's keep leaving, then Y is the problem.

Look, you said you love science for the rules, right?

Maybe... Maybe you just need some rules for life outside of science.

If you always have a problem, the constant is you.

- Mm-hmm. - In this case, me.

- Thanks, guys. - Yeah.

- Maybe we should hang out more often. - Hard pass, buddy.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe we could.

- All right. - Psych.

Thanks, deli guy.

Hey, this was a really nice event.

Well done.

Of course it was well done. It's my school.

- Well... - But, you know, thanks for the money.

The kids had a good time.

You're welcome. If you want, I could throw in a few haircuts too.

Oh, I saw what you did with Gregory's hair. We good.

Attention. Attention.

We have chosen a winner.

Envelope, please.

- Serious. - I know.

And the winner is

Courtney.

Oh, yeah!

Thank you, thank you. This is cute.

To be honest, I never thought Abbott would be the perfect place

to test my model about the effects of power dynamics

in competitive environments.

Shout-out to all the teachers who proved that adults can't handle competition.

See, that's not science. That's just mean.

Nah. She's a evil genius. Reminds me of me.

Wonder how she is at counting cards.

Hey, we need to talk. You all right?

It's okay. You'll get 'em next--

Next year. I finished your sentence.

I was gonna say "next time," but that was cl--

Close? Close. I got it.

- All right, I'll give you that one. - Okay.

Come on, little buddy. Let's get you home.

Oh. Must be out of batteries. Someone hand me a potato.

Oh. Mr. Johnson. Th-That's not the remote for your robot.

What's it for then?

Uh, that is for...

Oh, my God. It's the big hose.

Oh. It's gonna blow.