Original subtitles

Finally, the district has started a new community initiative

that sends volunteers out to all the schools.

So we're gonna have some people coming in next week to help us out.

Thank God, 'cause I need some help.

- I've been asking for an aide for decades. - I'm so behind in grading.

It takes a surprising amount of effort to give everyone an A for effort.

I'm happy the community wants to lend a hand

when there's nothing in it for them.

Well, maybe they can get someone to come deep clean the coffee machine.

Okay, I get it! Didn't y'all hear me say volunteers are coming?

Yeesh. Y'all act like I let this school fall apart.

Oh!

- Again? - Everybody okay?

What, you haunted now or something?

Why are you calling me? It's 7:30 a.m. on a Monday.

Yes, it is good to hear from me.

So listen, we need a new scoreboard.

Just wondering when y'all can drop one off.

Preferably something in the JumboTron family.

Hmm. Looks like the earliest I can get someone out there is never.

- Excuse me? - That's right.

Now that we're fully unionized,

you don't have any dirt on us that could halt construction.

You're out of leverage, and you're not getting a scoreboard.

Listen to me, you bespectacled little milksop.

- Excuse me?

The volunteers are here.

Okay, Malala, girl. I talk to you later.

Guess which Malala that was.

Thank goodness the volunteers get here today.

It is so weird how we all fall behind after break when we get back.

Yeah, not me. I'm good.

I'm actually ahead of schedule.

Well, I'm drowning.

I could use some help in the garden.

That special compost I put down apparently has the raccoons

starting a little Goofball Garden program of their own.

- Aw, cute. - No.

I need help with my vents.

Some of the seats in my room are too cold, others too hot.

It's a whole Goldilocks sitch.

You know, if a girl came into my house

and ate my porridge and slept in my bed, I'm eating her ass.

To be clear, in this hypothetical, I'm a bear.

The animal.

Abbotts and Elementors, the volunteers have arrived.

Come on down and claim your minions.

New friends!

Thank you for giving back to your-- well, not your-- a community.

Here are your badges.

Oh, badges, huh? Cool. Very cool.

Welcome to Abbott Elementary,

the best elementary school in the universe.

- Is that what this is? - Ignore her.

We are the best volunteers in the universe.

This is Frank. I'm Mac, Dee, Dennis and Charlie.

- How you doing? - Hi, guys.

Quick question. Um, what's the deal with all the cameras?

We have, like, a Vanderpump thing going on.

- Don't worry about it. - Uh, no. No. I don't think so.

I know quite a bit about filming and consent.

I think I'll be spending my time on the other side of the camera, thank you.

- See? - Yeah, okay.

- He's camera-shy. - Cool.

Well, um, do any of you have any experience with duct work?

Oh, I've done tons of duck work.

You said "duck work"?

Or-Or duct?

What did you say?

Oh, has anyone ever worked in a garden?

I lived outside.

- Oh... Okay. - You guys look familiar to me.

- No, we don't. - Yeah, you do.

Like, I know you from somewhere.

- I would've known if I saw you. - We don't do schools usually, so...

Wait, did you ever get into a fight at an Eagles game?

- Of course. Yeah. - Of course.

- Have you? - You kidding me?

Are you kidding? When have I not?

I mean, you gotta do it, you gotta do it.

Okay, that's what it is then. All right. Go Birds.

Go Birds. Yeah. I like her. That's cool.

If Caucasian cultural exchange is over, let's get to the free work.

- Okay, yeah. - Okay.

- Yeah, great. - Go Birds.

But what they were not prepared for, the scourge of trench warfare.

All right, your vent is fixed.

Thank you, Charlie.

That thing's been dumping hot air on me for weeks.

I've been positively sudoriferous.

Oh, yeah, you got one of those? Yeah, I got a rash.

What you learning in here, huh? Oh, about innovative "wear"?

Classic fashion concerns.

All right, well, first of all, ironing's a myth.

- Doesn't work. - Oh, no.

Uh, you mean the Industrial War?

Apologies.

The students say I have the handwriting of a possessed doll.

No... [stammers] ...I knew that. Yeah, Industrial War.

And that was a... that was a big one.

'Cause, you know, the industries, you know, were fighting each other.

Were fighting each other.

Big robots.

And there were, of course, lots of marines and crazy vermin, and, uh, aliens.

And that was, uh, very baffling for them and...

You don't need me teaching. Seems like you got it.

Maybe I'll see if there's any other fashion classes for me to pop in on

and, uh, give some more pointers. Never iron.

This school, man.

Hey. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Composting.

Compost is made of food waste, not batteries.

No, no, the batteries are robot food.

They're full of rare earth metals.

- Plants love 'em. - You throw any more of my trash in there

and I won't be responsible for what happens next.

- Is that a threat? - You damn right, that's a threat.

Okay. All right. Hold on. Calm down. This is exactly what the raccoons want.

The game plan for today is to get the compost back into the planters

and spread garlic and chili powder around to deter the raccoons.

Garlic and chili powder?

You're gonna make the dirt taste delicious.

There's only one way to get rid of raccoons: intimidation.

You try and intimidate a raccoon, that'll be the last thing you ever do.

You gotta trap 'em.

Raccoons are too smart for traps.

You need pelts with alpha-predator urine.

- Yeah, I'm definitely not doing that. - Suit yourself.

But you should rename this place A Buffet Elementary.

That's not our name.

We're named after a historical racist.

Congratulations.

Maybe you can hang up the kids' drawings while I just help them with the lesson.

- You got it. - Cool.

Penn? Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah, Penn. I went to Penn.

I'm so sorry. That is a knee-jerk reaction I have.

Don't you dare apologize. I went there too.

- What? - Yeah, I basically lived on Locust Walk.

Wha-- [chuckles] As you should, because how else are you gonna get

- to Smokey Joe's? - ...to Smokey Joe's?

No way!

- Uh, hello? - Oh, h-hi.

Go ahead and double-check your work if you're finished, okay?

And remember to write your name at the top.

Yeah, they always forget to do that. You are a natural.

- I appreciate you seeing me. - Of course.

Class, can I have your attention? Real quick, up here.

I just want you to know, you are being taught by a genius.

Okay.

Well, the, uh, school's all fixed up now.

So I was thinking, since we gave you such a boost,

maybe you could sign this volunteer slip

and we could get out of your hair for the rest of the week.

You know, sorta let the school soar.

Stop wasting paper.

The district says you're here for the whole week.

Find something useful to do.

I already have a white guy that comes in here to annoy me.

Does anybody else think there's something seriously off

about these volunteers?

That guy Frank accused my soil of lacking lithium.

I don't think they have backgrounds in education.

Or, like, educations period.

Okay, well, my volunteer certainly does.

She went to Penn, which is an Ivy. A lot of people confuse it

- for a state school. - I know.

Is she the one that stuck her head in my classroom,

asking can she light up in here?

The tall, skinny one who's, like, hiding behind the cameras?

He keeps asking me out to some gross bar with, like, 300 one-star reviews.

- Wait, a gross bar in South? - Mm-mmm.

Yeah.

I knew I knew those schlubs.

Guys.

- What? - Come on.

Hey, hey, you guys.

You own that Paddy's Pub. That's the skeeviest bar I ever been to.

You're a bunch of lowlifes.

- No. - Hey.

- What exactly are you doing here? - We're volunteering for community service.

- What's your angle? - If there even is one.

Guys, there's no angle. We're here to help.

- Yes. - For at least a hundred hours.

As the court order dictates.

Snakes in the garden.

You're criminals.

- Oh, come on. - Okay.

Is it a crime to dump a hundred gallons of baby oil in the Schuylkill?

- And 500 Paddy's Pub T-shirts? - And a Cybertruck?

- Yes! - Yeah, the judge thought so too.

She's right. We're criminals.

Of course they're criminals.

That explains why Frank asked when he gets his one phone call.

Let's get 'em outta here.

Somebody just give me the word and I will have them disappeared like that.

Ava, please remove these improper people from the premises post-haste.

Hold on. Dee has been super helpful in my class.

She took down the Christmas decorations I can't reach, she graded a spelling quiz

and she did go to one of the best schools in the country.

Janine, you're an adult.

Stop bragging about something you did when you were 17.

And they're not "criminal" criminals, you know?

It's just a misdemeanor.

Plus, if you kick them out,

the district will never send us help ever again.

The free of it all is hard to say no to.

All right, the criminals can stay for now.

And I'll treat them just like everyone else.

With the utmost disrespect.

- Follow you in here? - Hey, Melissa. Um...

Uh, whoa. Uh-oh.

Look at all the colors in here, man.

This is so much cooler than your room.

Um, do you have anything that Charlie could help out with

maybe in... in your class?

Nope, don't want him. Take him back up to the older kids.

Hey, Charlie, why don't you check some of the kids' work?

Throw down some knowledge on these guys?

- Sounds good. - Sure.

Yeah, I'm afraid that a seventh-grade curriculum

might be a little advanced for Charlie to help out with.

Honestly, I don't even know if he can read.

He couldn't make out anything on the board.

That doesn't mean he can't read. I'm dyslexic, you prick.

Lots of adults are. Maybe he is too.

Got a question over here.

How do you spell "light"?

Oh, light's... Light... Yeah.

Well, uh, that's easy, really.

It's L-I-Y-T.

There's another L, which is one of those letters

that hides behind the other letter.

Or maybe he can't read.

This doesn't make any sense.

Raccoons hate chili powder and garlic. How is it worse?

I told you, the only way to get rid of a raccoon is intimidation.

Now, I've got these premium pelts back at my place.

I'm gonna soak 'em in the dankest urine you ever smelled.

You'll never see another raccoon as long as you live.

This is a garden, not a Hollywood bachelor pad.

- We need a huge cage. - Have you ever even met a raccoon?

I met a famous one last spring.

I think what we have here is an embarrassment of riches,

so I'm just gonna let you two have at it.

You're trash, you know that?

Coming from the sheriff of trash.

Principal Coleman, good morning.

Hmm. This coffee is cute as hell.

I've been trying to get Dia to do this,

but Dia says that her arthritis makes her hands shake too bad.

Right. Uh, it was my pleasure.

And let me know if there's anything you need, and I mean anything.

Hmm... I could use a white guy to serve as my vice president-- I mean principal.

You can start by planning a fire drill. This place is a tinderbox.

Yes, I could do that.

Or, when was the last time you had your car detailed?

Oh. Well, just yesterday, but go ahead and fill her up too.

And when Ben Franklin touched the key he had tied to the kite...

My bones!

That is so good.

- Oh. - Hello, Ms. Teagues.

- Hi. - Can I borrow the left-handed scissors?

Oh, yeah. Of course. Be right back.

Guys, keep working.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Say, what brings a hunk like you into a classroom like this?

The left-handed scissors.

- You don't say. - Yeah.

Well, fun fact about me: I am ambidextrous.

And you know what they say about ambidextrous girls.

That they can write with both hands?

You are so funny.

- Isn't he? So-- Hi. Got 'em. - Yeah.

- Yep. You're welcome. - Thank you.

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

All right, guys.

Who can name something else that Ben Franklin invented?

- Yo, white kid. What's Mr. Eddie's deal? - How about over here?

- Hey, guys, let's go. - Whoa. Check this out.

There's gotta be, like, a hundred books in here.

Yeah, why don't you go take a look at some of the covers?

So how's it going with that one?

- My suspicions were first piqued when-- - He can't read.

Okay.

- You sure? - Uh-oh.

This one doesn't even have pictures.

You know, I used to teach adult literacy classes,

and it's far more common nowadays than you think.

Okay.

Charlie, I am Mrs. Barbara Howard, educator.

- I'd like to ask you a question. - Sure.

Do you have trouble reading?

No. I mean... [clears throat] ...no.

No, I can read any word at any time.

My friends and I were actually talking about how well-read I am.

Yes, well, adult illiteracy is very common and there is no shame in needing help.

You know what? I'm not feeling great. I got a bit of a tummy ache.

You got a hall pass or something?

- It's on the wall. - On the wall. I see it. Okay.

- All right. I'll be back. - That--

He could probably recognize the word "bathroom" though, right?

- Charlie! - Hurry.

For someone who's not getting paid, Mac has made himself surprisingly useful.

He's texting me to come outside...

Can you keep that down?

I'm pontificating over here.

And what is that smell?

It's the pelts, they're soaked in pee.

Which isn't gonna do anything.

Here you go.

Gassed up, detailed, and I rotated your tires.

My tires rotate every time I drive. Is that cinnamon air freshener?

- Even better. - Oh.

- Yeah. - Still warm.

There's probably not even anything left for us to do this week,

so if you could just go ahead and sign the slip.

Oh, not right now. My hands are sticky.

Ooh, valentines in January. Nice, Ms. Dee.

Head start.

Oh. I did not know you had a crush on Mr. Eddie, Becca.

What? No, she doesn't. She better not.

No, she's doing it for me.

Was-- What-- Why? What do you mean?

'Cause when Gregory finds out that I used the kids

to let him know how I feel about him, he's just gonna melt.

What-- Uh, bye, kids.

Bye. Wait, um, you... you like Gregory?

Uh, yeah. You've seen those shoulders.

What is his deal? Is he in a relationship?

Ooh, if he is, is he a cheater?

Okay, so, uh, he is actually with someone.

- Me. - What?

- Yeah. - Janine!

- Nice pull. - Thank you. It took a long time--

You're good if I take a spin though, yeah? Hey, does he have any tattoos?

You know what? Don't tell me. I want it to be a surprise.

No, um... So, it's actually like a-a real relationship.

He's my boyfriend. Like, my very loyal boyfriend.

So it's a competition then.

- No. - Very well, best of luck to you.

- No. - See he likes big feet.

Good. Mine are enormous.

- What? - Ava, the others were right.

These volunteers have got to go.

No, you were right. They're amazing, and they're staying.

I might even frame them for another crime to get they hours up.

Did I tell you to stop steaming?

Mmm.

Charlie, I've helped many adults who struggle to read--

Yeah, but I'm not struggling!

- I read good. - It's okay. It's okay, Charlie.

All we have to do is find out-- What do you like?

Beer.

- They don't have that. - Uh, milksteak.

- Okay. - Uh, bird law.

- Birds. Birds. - Okay, Barbara.

We can work with that.

- Birds. - Okay.

Barb, Protected Birds of Pennsylvania: Fun Facts, Cool Birds.

- Yes. Cool Birds. - Oh, yeah.

- Okay, here you go. - All right, let's start right here.

What sound does this letter make?

I don't need to sound it out 'cause I can read it perfectly.

It says "the Philadelphia eagle's name is Swoop, and he has a jet pack."

- Doesn't. - Doesn't?

- Go Birds? - Go Birds, man.

Let's keep trying.

You know, I feel bad for Dee.

It must be hard to have a crush on Gregory when I'm already with him.

Hopefully I can smooth things over today.

Expecting someone else?

Yeah, I just wanted you to get a load of the tower

of a woman you're about to lose your man to.

Okay, class, why don't you work quietly

while Ms. Dee and I have a talk in the hallway.

Dee... ...I'm sorry about yesterday,

but Gregory and I are in a serious, committed relationship.

Yeah, you already said that.

It only makes me want him more. Do you love him?

- Wha-- That is-- - Because I love him.

When I see him next, that's exactly what I'm gonna tell him.

Okay. I thought you learned your lesson yesterday,

but I guess you gotta get held back.

How you gonna hold me back? Your arms are too short.

- My arms are not short. - Your arms are too short.

- They are a normal size for me. - Try it. Reach me.

- What's going on? - I'll tell you what's going on.

This psycho was going off about you.

You know what she said? "He's too much of a man for me,

- I can't handle him." - I didn't say that.

Yes, she did. And you know what? One more thing. I love you.

She did say that. I didn't say the first part. I would never say that.

- Are you okay? - Yes, I am fine,

but this bird-ass bird is going to get real hurt.

- Don't you call me-- - Okay.

- Excuse me for one second. - I will call you worse things than a bird,

- it's just what I thought of. - What's happening?

She's trying to seduce you and make you her boyfriend.

Okay.

- "Okay"? That'd be an actual nightmare. - Agreed.

Listen, Janine, I'm with you.

I'm not interested in any other woman.

Especially not that woman.

Okay.

- Okay, I feel better. Much better. - Okay.

- All right. - All right.

- Thank you. I'll go back. - Mm-hmm.

That was so hot.

Meet me behind the gym mats in 15.

And if I'm late, you just keep waiting.

- "Green..." - Yes.

- "...'herrons'... herons..." - Uh... That's it.

"...uh, spend 'soomare,' uh..."

- That's a French word, I think. - No, it's not.

Oh, summer!

"...in Philadelphia, and then fly 'sooth...'"

South.

"...south for wine."

- No. - Win. Winter.

For winter!

Yeah!

Charlie, I am so proud of you.

You crazy SOB. You did it.

You can read, Charlie.

I did it, I actually read,

which I always could do.

What's going on in here? Somebody walking on water?

Even better, we taught one of the criminals to read at a kindergarten level.

Wow. I guess miracles do happen.

Mac, check this out. I'm gonna read one of the tough sentences

- from the back of the book. Um. - Yes.

"Protected birds include the gold-breas...

- breah..." I don't know this one. - Breasted.

"...breasted nuthatch and loggerhead 'Shrek'... Shrike."

- Say that again? - Really?

- "Protected birds in--" - Yes.

"Protected birds include the gold-breasted nuthatch and loggerhead shrike."

Dang. Well, that's why you're principal.

- Mel, you still got that egg guy? - Human or animal?

Doesn't matter, I got both. Why?

We got a species to protect. VP, I have your next mission.

We caught the raccoon.

- It's huge! - Really?

You wanna bash his brains in or should I?

- No, man. That's Frank. - I know that.

Get me outta here!

Were you the one eating the compost the whole time?

Only after you put the garlic and the chili powder on it.

Came back last night for some more.

I saw that pudding cup was full, and I got stuck in here!

- Why you wearing piss pelts? - Was freezing.

But by the way, the piss pelts worked.

I didn't see one raccoon.

All right, I've hit my limit.

Uh, Mr. Johnson, hose him off and get him inside before the kids see this.

Very good, by the way, if you'd like to try some.

Ava, for the last time, Girard Creek Golf

will not be giving Abbott a new scoreboard.

That's not why I'm calling.

You see, my white vice principal was passing by your construction site,

and something caught his eye.

- You should have just received a photo. - It's eggs.

Yes, loggerhead shrike eggs.

A protected bird in Pennsylvania.

Found at your golf course.

If the Bird and Game Commission saw that,

I wonder what it would do to your construction progress.

I'll be in touch.

Through perseverance, Charlie has achieved what once seemed impossible.

And so, congratulations to Abbott Elementary's newest reader,

Charlie Kelly.

Yeah!

Yes! Fist bump, fist bump.

Okay. Yeah.

I feel bad about all the compost I ate,

so if you just put this in the garden, the plants will love it.

And then we'll call it square.

If you took that from Mr. Johnson's car, go put it back.

Yeah.

- It's a weird week, huh? - Really? I didn't notice.

Last chance.

What do you say we, uh, drive away from this place and never look back?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen, so...

Whatever.

Hey, boss. So the, uh, new scoreboard looks pretty good, huh?

So I guess that means you should... you should sign this.

No. You're the best free worker I've ever had.

Come on, I got your car detailed, I blackmailed a golf course,

I even went the extra mile and wrote thank you notes to all the teachers.

You did what?

They run on insults.

You don't get what I'm doing here at all.

Get the hell out of my school.

Oh, God. Let's never ask for help again.

Well, I tried to tell youse.

Aw, this week wasn't so bad. We taught a guy to read.

- Yeah. - Jacob, how you always so optimistic?

You kidding me?

We live in the City of Brotherly Love, my brother.

It's always sunny in Phi--

It is amazing what we were able to accomplish this week.

I mean, when we got here, this place was falling apart.

And now, they send children here.

So it turns out Greg's gay.

Uh, which is a bummer. I do feel bad for Janine.

You know, but that can happen to the short ones.

I got to work the land.

I got to eat some fiber.

Charlie learned to read.

Community service is great.

Crime is worth it, plain and simple.

I'm ready to get outta here. This school's haunted.

They play basketball against ghosts.