Original subtitles

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you doing here on Christmas break?

Uh, funny. I could ask you the same thing.

Ah. You're out of toilet paper.

Yeah, I'm out of toilet paper.

What are you doing here?

I... I just came to get the milk before it expired.

So if anything, I'm helping.

- Gerald loves his milk. - Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Oh.

What? [chuckling] Did you actually think I was gonna buy another tree?

Um. Okay. Well, since we're all gathered here, I'd love to take this opportunity

to formally invite you to my house for Christmas Eve.

There'll be cookies and toilet paper, so...

Yeah, sorry, kiddo. Can't do it.

Barb and I already have dinner plans.

Yeah, and I've already been to one of your parties.

I think once is enough, right?

Okay. Well, guess that means it'll just be me and Gregory.

As it should be.

- Good morning, everyone. - And what are you here to steal?

- These. - Oh, yeah.

I forgot that we had no school today.

I saw Melissa leaving, I thought I was late.

I mean, she leaves her place without me all the time.

There she goes.

Melissa! Melissa, wait for me.

Ugh. No. Jacob, I said julienne the carrots.

Yeah, dude. Like this.

No, not like that. They were julienne... Ugh.

You guys, this dinner has to be perfect.

No, right. I get it. It's special because it's your family.

Nah, I don't care about them.

They took me out of rotation for hosting Christmas Eve dinner

'cause I'm not married anymore.

So I gotta prove to 'em I don't need a husband.

Baby girl, you don't need to prove anything to anybody.

No, dummy, I do.

My family's gonna show up here,

and they're gonna look for any reason

to pick apart my food and say it's schifoso.

Oh.

Geez, are we early? Why aren't you dressed yet?

It's nice to see you too, Sis.

Dom.

- Oh. Okay. Oh, wow. - Yeah.

So... So, these are overcooked.

Right. But the last batch was undercooked.

I'm still experimenting with the timing. It's good to have options.

You know what? I don't even like cookies. So this is great.

Okay. Look, so I know your vote was to watch Muppet Christmas Carol first.

- Mm-hmm. - And my vote was to watch Elf first.

I was thinking the perfect middle ground might be

- Tim Allen's The Santa Clause. - Tim Allen's The Santa Clause.

Okay.

I only made cookies in case anyone shows up.

I'm actually very excited it's just me and Gregory.

First Christmas Eve together is a big one, you know.

It's right up there with first kiss or first fight

or first time farting in front of each other.

Gregory is not there yet on that one.

So, I know we said we're gonna do our gift exchange later,

but I have one little surprise. I can't wait.

- It's not an Orioles jersey, is it? - Even better.

Yeah, I'm not wearing this.

Okay.

Honey, you're trying something different with your makeup? You're so brave.

- Thanks, Ma. - I love visiting you, Mel.

Something about being around you really makes me feel better about myself.

And that's why I love having you, Anthony.

Marie, did this place get smaller?

I'm Melissa, and no, my place did not magically shrink.

Ah, I guess you just got bigger then.

Archie, what would she need a bigger place for?

She lives with a roommate, unmarried and alone.

- Yeah. - You're so insensitive.

- Me? Why? - Yes.

Oh, thank God. Hi.

- Merry Christmas, Melissa. - Hey, merry Christmas.

- Thank you, Barbara. - Oh, thanks for having us.

- So glad you're here. - Well, look, if it isn't my favorite chef.

Oh, excuse you.

- Oh, baby, you're my favorite person. - Okay, I forgive you.

Ah. Nobody told me this is one of those progressive dinners.

Do you wanna get strangled?

Okay, no, I-I-I've been preparing for this moment for years.

Okay, okay, what do I do?

Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna take a nap here on your god-awful couch.

- Okay, good idea... - Yeah.

- ...but, Uncle Archie, take it upstairs. - What?

Move it upstairs. Away from people.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, honey, that's all right.

We have grace for people who are about to meet their Maker.

Or the other guy.

So, that was Uncle Racist. I mean, Archie.

Uh, that's Kristin Marie, Dom Marie, Mark,

Marie, Matthew, Maria Christina, Craig, girl Tony.

Boy Tony's still in prison, but there's a card for him if you wanna sign it.

Uh. Larry, Anthony, Seamus. There's about 30 kids in the basement.

And how could we forget the wonderful matriarch, Mrs. Teresa Schemmenti.

- This is my mom. - You forgot Nancy.

Uh, no, there's... there's nobody here named Nancy.

I was talking about you and your boyfriend.

- Okay. Normally, I respect my elders... - Don't. Stop.

- ...but this guy is this close. - Okay. Go, go, you jabroni.

Do we have to watch basketball?

If I'm wearing this, we're watching that.

Aw, you look so cute.

Wonder who that could be.

Maybe Santa came early.

Oh. Kinda right. Hi, Mr. Johnson. Are you here for our little get-together?

Of course not. I know an empty offer when I hear one.

I here to drop off tidings of comfort for you and your big-ass feet.

And tidings of joy for you.

"How to Have a Personality"? How thoughtful.

Merry Christmas, people. I'm off to the North Pole.

- Ugh. - Yeah, have fun.

Hi, Ava. It's Ava.

Oh, hey, Ava. Here with us on Christmas Eve.

- Yes. - Merry, merry.

What are you doing here? I thought you said you couldn't make it.

I'm unpredictable. That's what people love about me.

And it's a good thing I did come 'cause it's bleak as hell in here.

Oh. Going with a Charlie Brown theme this year?

Well, I think his tree had more branches, but least you got your own Franklin.

Oh, Janine, where you get these decorations? The dollar store?

So, actually, there's this new board game called "Imprisonment."

And on a micro-level, it's about escaping prison, but on a macro-level--

Why don't you go grab it and show me. And I'll be right here.

Oh, yeah.

What happened with you and the firefighter?

He was a firefighter. He fights fires.

Yeah, but, Ma, we're just dating, you know.

He's not Christmas-level yet.

Oh. You wanna be lonely on Christmas? Makes for great sad songs.

Oh, God. I love sad Christmas songs.

You know, someone's gotta inspire them. Why not Mel?

Oh, yeah, I'm sad? You're drunk and it's not even dinner.

Okay, I'm not drunk. I have Bell's palsy.

Okay, well, how you explain the other side of your face then?

- Oh, come on. - Oh. Oh.

Oh, sorry.

No, no, no, no, no.

Breathe, you bigot, breathe.

Oh.

Hello. Uh, nonresponsive old person. Over.

How does this even work?

Oh, bro, word of warning,

don't say anything even lukewarm about Rocky to these people.

Caleb, Caleb, I think Melissa's uncle is dead.

- You know CPR, don't you? - What? No.

What do you mean? You're a personal trainer.

- You don't know CPR? - I'm a TikTok trainer.

You're a teacher. Don't you know CPR?

I was very distracted during my CPR class, okay?

And I'm terrible in a crisis.

Okay.

Bro, he's super dead.

- Melissa, can I talk to you real quick? - Yeah.

I'm making pesto. What do you need?

Oh, um...

Your, um...

What? Spit it out.

Open your mouth. What do you think?

- Fire. - Your uncle is dead.

What are you trying to tell me, Jacob?

He's sleeping with the fish.

Nah, he's stunad. He sleeps heavy. He's got that apnea.

Uh, I checked his pulse. That man is definitely unalive on top of the coats.

No. No way. No way.

I will call 911. You go talk to the family. Yeah?

Yeah, not so fast there, buddy.

If he's dead, he's not gonna be any deader after dinner.

- Melissa. - Okay, listen to me, Jacob.

I've been working on this dinner for two weeks.

If we tell everybody, it all goes to hell. Right along with Uncle Archie.

- Flames. - Plus, they're gonna blame me.

- How? - What, you've seen my family.

They'll find a way.

Melissa, is dinner ready?

Or should I have yet another freaking cracker and cheese?

Last year at cousin Ernest was beautiful.

She always has dinner out on time.

Okay, so, look.

In an hour and a half, we'll call 911, and we'll tell 'em he's dead, okay?

After dinner.

Melissa, you need some help?

- Barb. - What?

Her uncle is dead upstairs.

And she wants to wait to tell everybody until after dinner.

Please tell her this is insane.

Melissa, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, can you get me the focaccia? Right over there.

Okay.

Uh, look, she's good, I'm good. It's her dinner.

And a nap is a nice way to go.

Gerald's very hungry.

There is a dead guy in my bed.

Jacob, please, do not make this all about you.

I mean... Oh.

Fuego. Fuego.

So, Ava, I'm surprised you don't have any plans for Christmas Eve.

No nothing with friends, family, rappers?

Well, I've already been by the home to see my grandma.

She took down three candy canes, unwrapped someone else's present

and then fell asleep. [chuckles] My queen.

- I don't have any other family here. - Ah.

So, I met Ava's dad at the barbershop.

I mind my own business, so I haven't told Janine yet.

But decided it was information I wasn't supposed to have,

I tipped handsomely and I put it out of my head.

Plus, all my friends have kids now.

Do you know what it's like to be around kids?

- Yes, we work at a school. - So you get it.

- How about we watch a Christmas movie? - Yeah.

Gregory has somehow never seen The Santa Claus 2,

so we'll just start with that.

I've had enough Christmas cheer.

Let's throw on a horror movie.

I'm thinking something in the home invasion subgenre.

Yeah, you know a little something about that.

The only thing I want invading my home

is Tim Allen as the jolly, old, fat man. So...

Horror movie it is.

Just close your eyes for one hour and 44 minutes.

That's probably the equivalent of eight hours of sleep

for somebody your size anyway.

- Hey, yo, where you going? - I'm grabbing my jacket.

- I'm gonna smoke a cig. - Yeah, no, you don't have to do that.

Uh, Jacob will get it for you.

Yeah, right.

I got a pocket full of Life Savers up there.

There's no way I'm losing all my pineapple

to your live-in butler with sticky fingers.

Uh, well, joke's on you.

I stopped eating those after I almost choked on one in college,

but was saved by the tiny hole in the center.

Talk about a lifesaver.

Yeah. And you don't need your jacket. Whoa. Look, Kristin Marie,

I've got these new... these smokin' blankets.

Everybody's doing it now.

- Smokin' blankets? - Yeah.

- Oh, classy. Nice. - Right?

Okay. Looks good on ya.

Okay, that was close. And I just lost my best throw.

It's gonna smell like a VFW hall, but we're almost there.

Dinner and then we're home free. Okay?

Be cool.

I need to use the bathroom,

but I don't wanna miss the dudes in animal masks chopping people up.

Right.

This is not how I envisioned

our first Christmas Eve together.

- She's even more Ava than usual. - Yeah.

Could you ask her to leave? She'll take it better coming from you.

Um...

- All right. I'll talk to her. - Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Your hand soap is cheap.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

About how dumb you two look in those funny pajamas?

No, we're on the same page there. But, um, are you good?

Yeah, I'm great. Why?

It's just that earlier you said

that you didn't have any other family in Philly and...

I met your dad.

Where?

The barbershop. He was my barber.

Okay.

I mean, okay. I'm not trying to get into your business,

but I wanted to check in 'cause, you know, it's Christmas.

Obviously, it's not a good relationship. I don't speak to my dad.

Wow. What a cool topic for you to bring up on our first Christmas Eve together.

I should've known your ass can't be festive.

Look, look. I'm sorry to bring it up. I'm-I'm... I really am.

It just... [sighs] I just knew technically it wasn't true and sometimes--

I get it. But besides him, I really don't have any other family.

So, I'm here with my work family or whatever.

- Ugh, man. Ava, I... I didn't know that-- - Shut up.

And don't say anything to Janine.

Because that elf-size elf will try to perform some Christmas miracle

and reunite me with that man.

And I don't need pity from her or you, a man without a regular barber.

- My guy was outta town. - Yeah, okay.

So how'd she take it?

I mean, she probably has somewhere better to be anyway, right?

I mean, well, look, I technically didn't ask her to leave.

What? Why?

- It's Christmas, you know. - Yes. And she's ruining ours.

I think we should just let her stay.

What're you not telling me?

- I can't tell you. - What?

I told Ava I wouldn't say.

Oh. So you and Ava are keeping secrets now.

Janine, why we watching a whack-ass fire?

And where's the remote?

I found it.

Delicious. Mmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Seamus, where you going, man?

Seamus's got to make more room for Jameson.

- Haha. - Okay,

how about downstairs bathroom, man?

You can't use upstairs. Jacob cracked the bowl.

I don't even wanna tell you how.

I'm surprised you pulled this off.

I guess I didn't need to defrost the frutti di mare I had at home

- as a backup dinner for me and Dom. - Yeah.

You know, if this were just a little less brochante.

Yeah, a little mushy.

Yeah, this could've almost passed the nonna Zoltini.

Well, there you have it, Melissa. An undeniable success. So--

Did you hear what my mother said?

Jacob, she said it was almost as good as nonna's.

She's never given me a compliment that good.

I don't know no nonna, but I gotta agree.

Okay. I think... I think it might be time to call 911.

Oh.

Melissa, Gerald would like to know when will dessert be served?

Jacob, listen.

This dinner won't be a complete success

until everyone is scarfed on the last bite of cannoli

and cried their eyes out

over how delicately its shell compliments the ricotta.

I just want everyone to be so... so full and happy

that when they're looking in the bathroom mirror and gulping down brioche,

they're thinking, "You know what?

Melissa really is the best of us and I'm just a lonely piece of [bleep]."

I have cooked those kind of dinners before.

- Yeah. - I think I have been pretty patient.

Shh!

Oh, boy. I know what that is.

Schemmenti cannoli. To die for.

- Oh. - Not yet.

Okay, who's ready for...

Uh, hang on. Hang on, one sec.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Okay.

- Hey. - Mr. Johnson Claus is here with tidings.

Got you some red hair dye to fix those roots.

And tell Jacob he's picking me up at 8:00 a.m. Sunday.

I got him the gift of taking me sledding.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Sorry, but I can't stay. Gotta get to the North Pole.

Vixen and Dancer are waiting for me.

Okay. Merry Christmas.

- All right. Now. - There we go.

Who's ready for dessert?

- Oh, hey. - Over here.

Oh, wait.

Don't eat 'em yet. You

Oh. First she tells us to eat and then she yells at us not to eat it.

She can't make up her mind. What do you want from us?

Hey, what the hell you doing here? I told you you weren't invited to this.

I didn't come to your dinner. I respect your wishes.

Paramedics got a death alert ring from this house.

I saw the address on the call. I just wanna make sure you're okay.

Anybody fall? Anybody dead?

Oh. Is this the nice firefighter?

See, everyone? I told you she's got a guy.

Oh. So that explains why this food taste so great.

No single woman could make a meal like this.

- Am I right? I'm right. - That's so true.

Who here has a death alert?

- What's that? - Oh, so those things do work.

- Oh. Who died? - No one died, Ma.

- Melissa! - Jacob, cannolis.

- What the hell is a death alert? - Did y'all say dessert?

- 'Cause I'm ready for it. - Gerald.

Okay. All right. Ma, everybody, I'll come clean.

Uncle Archie is upstairs and he's dead.

- Oh. - Sorry.

- The son of a bitch owed me money. - Sorry.

Melissa's house kills men.

What? Ma!

♪ Oh, Danny boy, the pipes The pipes are... ♪

Okay, not to break up this, but, uh, where's the body?

Uh, upstairs. My room.

Oh, my God. You're alive?

What? I never sleep through a cannoli.

I thought you said you checked his pulse.

I did. I went like this and felt nothing. And...

Oh, my God. Jacob, you too do not have a pulse.

Oh.

My b. My b.

In that case, my racist homophobic dude, you have a fever.

See why I didn't invite you now?

- I totally get it. - Okay.

Either you tell me what's going on or I'm asking her to leave.

I promise you there's a reason I'm not asking her to leave.

And there's a reason I can't tell you.

- Tell me what it is. - I can't.

Wow.

What other secrets are you keeping from me, huh?

Are your muscles even real? It's steroids, isn't it?

I'ma need y'all to stop arguing on Christmas Eve.

Gregory accidently found out that my dad lives in Philly.

And I asked him not to tell you

'cause I knew you'd try to do your Janine saves the world thing

and try to repair a relationship that I have no interest in fixing.

He cut my hair. He's a barber. Secret's out.

And you didn't wanna be alone.

You got me.

I'm not immune to feeling vulnerable during Christmas.

So, do you mind if I grace you with my presence just a little longer?

Oh, my God. Of course you can stay.

And there's nothing wrong with wanting to be with your work family.

Shut up, Janine.

I ate all your marshmallows.

You know, Mel.

You're not as bad a cook as everyone says.

- Why come you can't hold down a man? - Get out of here. Go.

I'm still hungry.

Yeah. Well, you were dead when we ate so...

If Uncle Archie would've actually died,

this would've be one of the best Schemmenti dinners ever.

Right?

Take it easy, Dom.

And if things don't work out between you and the firefighter, I know a guy.

Ma. Good night, Ma. Love you.

Oh, Melissa, they would never tell you, but I will: girl, you sure showed them.

Aw, dear Barb.

- Merry Christmas. Jinx. - Merry Christmas.

- Hey. - Bye, hon.

So good.

Thank you.

Yo. [grunts] Big dog, fire bro.

Um, Seamus passed out in Jacob's bed and I think he actually is dead.

Shame on you, Seamus.

That's disgusting.

Did he just call me "big dog fire bro"?

Yeah. Those two aren't mine, though.

Ooh. I wonder what it is.

- Mugs. - Okay.

Aw. That's sweet. I think.

You can put 'em in any order too.

Hmm. Well, obviously we didn't know you were coming.

- But that's okay because... - Oh, not again.

All right. Here you go.

So...

What's funny, is I actually had to order several pairs to find the right fit

because my feet-and-height ratio is one of a kind.

But luckily, Amazon had plenty of options.

- Uh... - Aren't they cute?

They definitely scream Janine.

Thank you.

Well, we've got plenty of pillows and blankets.

And honestly, this couch isn't bad to sleep on.

- Yeah. Not bad. - Yeah.

What did you think? We were gonna have a threesome?

You wish. I was just killing time.

Until what?

There's a party bus out there with my name on it.

Christmas Eve is the best time to go clubbing.

No one there has kids

that they care about.

Merry whatever. Bye.

Merry Christmas?

Merry Christmas.

Well, I made all my stops.

Oh, crap. I forgot about Barbara and Ava.

I really need to start making that list and checking it twice.

Anyway, I'm on my way to the North Pole.

And to all, a good night.

On Vixen, on Dancer. On Dancer, on Dancer.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas!