Original subtitles

Why we stopped, Ollie?

Why, is a such nice spot.

I thought we'd take in some fresh air, darling.

- But it's terribly cold, Ollie. - Well, I can keep you warm, my petal.

- You're practically sitting on top of me. - Oh, sorry.

Don't stare at me like that, Oliver

Well, it's only because I find you so attractive.

If you love someone, it means you sometimes find them attractive as well,

- Doesn't it? - Well, it's very rude.

I saw some lovely curtain material this morning,

in that little shop I told you about.

What's that, darling?

Some curtain material for our house, silly.

The little house we're going to buy when we're married.

Lovely, darling. What's it like?

It's got a sort of flowered pattern on it.

Stop that, Oliver. How many times do I have to tell you?

For God's sake, Prudence, don't you realize how frustrated I am?

I could end up ill or impotent.

When we're married, Ollie. You can have it as much as you want.

On Saturday nights, anyway.

And will you please stop calling me Ollie?

Was I saying?

Oh, yes, the curtain material.

It's got these little flowers.

They're sort of blue. Blue like the color of the sky.

Oh, isn't the sky beautiful today, Ollie?

Wonderful.

I have to report a potential malfunction in the main navigational system..

Are you sure about that?

Main computer predicts total non function of all navigational systems in 3 hours.

Ship's computer here. Affirmative. We're in pretty bad shape.

Get Engineering onto it, soonest.

I don't want to be stuck out here for a micro sync.

And longer than necessary.

Come in, Engineering. Control requires situation report of malfunction.

Listen to me, Engineering.

You tell what's going on soonest. Do you read me?

Yeah, I read you.

But if you don't leave me alone, I might get somehow.

Listen, there's a spot down there that thinks it's a planet.

And the computer informs me that it's

crawling with some pretty noxious life forms.

So you get yourself moving or we'll have to land.

I can't cruise around the galaxy without a navigational system. Got that?

- What do you mean? - You always going on it.

- It? What it? - You know what I mean.

It that do I want. Look, I'm so frustrated.

You are just like your blasted mother.

What do you think about this?

- That's better than you. - For God's sake, quiet.

Normal, you know.

I'm a normal, full blooded man. It's only natural to want it.

You're filthy. It's all you ever think about.

Darling. Look, I do love you for your mind as well. Really, I do.

Come on, please.

Get back into the car. You'll just catch a chill.

Christ, I must do something about my sex life.

I'm beginning to hallucinate.

- What's your situation, engineering. - It's no good.

I'm not going to do it in time.

That means we're going to have to land.

Give me a rundown on the indigenous inhabitants.

Aggressive carnivorous life forms which congregate densely populated clusters.

- Crude but effective weaponry. - What about their detection systems?

Detection systems minimal. We should bypass these without difficulty.

Find me a quadrant where there aren't any of these aggressive clusters.

Understood. But we've insufficient time to guarantee

total absence of lifeforms in the chosen area.

If we encounter any lifeforms we'll welcome them and

keep them under surveillance until we're ready to leave.

- Right? - Affirmative.

Can you hear that? It sounds like heavy breathing.

Well, it's certainly not me.

Good gracious. Whatever that was, it was damn close.

Must have landed the other side of the wood.

I've gone blind. They told me it was no wise tale.

Come on, darling. Let's go and have a look.

- Hey, what's going on? - Well, I think there's been an accident.

- Really? - Yes. Somebody may be hurt.

- Have we gonna a look? - Yes.

Extraordinary!

It's gone very dark all of a sudden.

Well, you see, what's happened is the intensity of the

light has caused the peripheral area too dark.

Rubbish. It's just one of those mobile discos.

Mobile?

I've never heard anything so absurd in my life.

- I think it's a UFO. - You might have something there.

I'll take a look inside, have a look.

- Aren't you chicken? - Chicken? Certainly not. Come on darling.

Good gracious.

Ollie.

- What happened there? - I don't know.

A conventional life form. Frightened, somewhat disorientated.

Apparently no aggression.

Estimated combat ability, no.

Bizarre clothing.

- Disappointing specimen. - Send the next.

What is that?

Oh, this specimen appears to have absolutely

no tissue growth on its chest whatsoever.

Probably a mutation.

So it could be the result of punitive surgery.

- I could punch out a computer search. - Do that.

Prudence, darling. Just stay where you are.

I'll be there you out of there in a jiffy.

Another creature with no mammary projections.

That's better. She's going to fight it.

Give me some audio.

Ollie! Ollie! He call me a silly cow.

Just calm, calm down, darling. We must try and be rational about.

How can I be rational when I'm locked up here against my will?

With a man like that.

"Whit a man like that?"

You wouldn't recognize a real man if he sat on your face.

- By the way, not a bad idea. - I say, that's a bit steep, you know.

Oh, I say, that's a bit steep, is it? Why don't you leave it here?

No, no, no, hear. I don't like that tone.

Talk like y'all. Say like that again, stopped!

- I shall have your guts for guts. - Ollie!

I wouldn't mind turning her volume down permanently.

I say, let me in. Open up.

This can never be a mobile disco.

Ship's computer here.

One of the aliens has a missed observation and is wandering down towards Engineering.

Has it done any damage?

No, but it took something big and sticky at

the cavities and stuck it under one of my monitors.

I don't see why I should have to put up with this sort of thing.

Plug out, Computer. Give me the drive unit.

Drive unit, come in, please.

- Drive unit, do you read me? - Yes, I read you.

Alien intruder approaching Engineering. Please intercept and disarm if necessary.

Very well.

Hello? Anybody in?

Yoohy.

- Don't move. - I'm sorry, but you see, I was lost and...

I said don't move.

Are you armed?

- What happened to your chest? - My chest?

There is nothing there. Did you have an accident?

I don't understand?

Put your hands above your head.

- Going to give you the one server. - You are.

Nothing personal.

What is that?

- Have you got a weapon down there? - No.

You'd better tell me or I'll blow your brains out.

Space rats. Is this some kind of defense mechanism?

No, It's my body. Please, let go.

It's changing shape.

- What are those? - Oh, nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Give.

- I don't think you'll be interested. - Come on. Come on.

I'm only looking after him for a friend.

- What are they doing there? - Well, he... What?

Is it a sport? Some kind of game?

It's not a sport.

Is that what your body looks like?

Well, sort of, but I'm a little bit more skinnier than him.

And that's the thing that's down the front of your trousers?

Yes, but I'm a little more compact.

Amazing. I like that. That's normal where I come from.

- See, I have a chest like that, too. - Pardon?

See?

- Anyway, what are the rules of this sport? - There aren't any rules.

No rules? Incredible.

- How does it start? - Well, sort of just starts.

- Are you any good at it? - Well, I'm not bad.

Think I could beat you?

- I couldn't do it with you. - Why not?

I don't know your name or where you come from.

I mean, well, how'd you stand politically.

- You said there weren't any rules. - There aren't any rules.

It just sort of happens. You may not even notice.

- You mean it can be a surprise. - Yes, certainly will be in my case.

- What is that? - What?

- How was that? - I cant, I can't breath.

- I surprised you, didn't I? - Oh, yes.

- Okay, now what? Or is that it? - Oh, no, that's not it.

Come in, please. Did you intercept the alien?

Affirmative. I have it under close surveillance.

- Bring it along to observation immediately. - Right. Come on, let's go.

Oh, sugar!

- One moment, what's your name? - My name is Partha.

Come on.

How absolutely fascinating.

Now, listen, everybody. Listen, please.

It seems perfectly obvious to me that this situation

requires a scientifically, logical and objective approach.

That's the only way we're going to solve this somewhat tricky little problem.

Have you thought of something, Ollie?

Well, I'm not quite sure how these doors operate.

But it's probably a photoelectric cell and silicone chip circuit.

- But I might just be able to bypass it. - Oh, Ollie, you're marvelous.

I don't believe it.

He's going to try and break up with a bloody screwdriver.

- Now, let me see. - Have he done it?

Ah, our expert on UFOs.

Meet any green headed monsters, did we?

Oh, why did you have to come in, then? You could have escaped.

She wanted me.

She jumped on top of me.

And she's so beautiful.

Look. What's going on? Why are we being kept here?

- Have you ever been in love? - What?

In love.

It's fantastic. Just like in the songs. It's all so true.

Lovely.

Poor bastard's blown a fuse.

They've brainwashed him. Filled him with drugs.

You can't affect something that isn't there.

Oh, my God. It'll be our turn next.

They'll pump us full of addictive poisons that will destroy our brain cells.

You just wait till I get my contact lenses.

Look, is this with you? If so, keep it quiet.

- Oh, really? - Really.

Women like you shouldn't be seen, let alone heard.

Partha. Partha Blodgett. No, I have to change my name.

- Listen, will everybody, please, calm down? - Did you hear what he said to me? Oliver?

Prudence. For God's sake, shut up!

Now then, situations like this require a natural leader,

and with my scientific training...

Ah, bullshit! You're about as scientific as a square wheel.

I hate you, Oliver. I'm breaking off our engagement.

- Care to repeat that? - Certainly.

What about Simpson? Or Fitzwarren Hemington.

Something sophisticated like that?

I hate you, Oliver. I hate you.

You realize, of course, that I might be forced to strike you.

Terrific. I could do with a laugh.

Good Lord.

I tolerate no resistance.

Behave well and you will remain unharmed.

Behave badly and I will terminate you in an obscure and painful fashion.

Who are you? What are you keeping us here for?

We're just passing through. You'll come to no harm if you do as I say.

- Where are you taking us? - The hospitality room.

The hospitality room? That sounds nice, doesn't it?

You men, you're hopeless.

Get moving.

Quite a heavy lady.

Did you dig that outfit?

Yeah, I bet it's hot in all that leather.

We welcome our visitors to the hospitality room.

We hope your stay will be a happy and a pleasant one.

We would like to point out that the wide variety of life forms

entertained in this room make it impossible to cater for all tastes.

Dinner will be served shortly.

Thank you for your attention.

Hey, it's a bit like the saloon bar. The dog and duck.

- Pru. - Don't touch me.

Don't come near me, and don't even talk to me.

Prudence, please.

And if we get out of this alive, I want all my records back.

Hey, a jukebox. Whoa!

Ten pay.

Hey did they have low-alc?

What kind of food did they eat? I am starving.

You mean, what kind of food do they eat?

They eat the same kind of food as we do, you burke.

I suppose you think beef burgers are common throughout the galaxy.

Oh, you're not still on about this UFO rubbish.

It's not rubbish. I've got proof.

Proof? Proof what?

That these people come from another planet.

You're a bit of a comedian, aren't you?

And what might this proof be?

Well, with this woman, see, and well, she and me...

And then we... well...

I'd rather not talk about it. It's a bit embarrassing.

Embarrassing? What are you on about?

It's personal. I'd rather not talk about it.

- Prudence! - What?

I got you. You spoke to me.

Attention. Attention. Alien life forces are surrounding the ship.

And don't say I didn't warn you.

It's the army. They've come to rescue us.

Seems to be a highly organized, encircling maneuver.

Come in, Partha. Do you read me, Partha?

Yes, I hear you.

What is it now?

We're going to have to take off. It's an emergency.

Can the ship handle it?

- Hardly in our stage of repairs. - Shut up and plug out.

Yes, I think so, but take it easy.

Use a bit of clutch for a change.

Look, I'm the computer around here, and I'm telling you,

taking off won't do you any good.

What's that horrid man talking about?

It's a computer, not a man.

Well, it's jolly rude.

Okay, everybody, let's go.

You pig.

Your takeoffs are improving, skipper.

I better check on the aliens. I'll bring them some dinner.

If you were real men, you'd attack them.

Then we could escape.

I couldn't kick my way out of a wet paper bag right now.

Let alone take that chick in the leathers.

- Hey, another telly. - That's not a telly, is a window.

Look, we really are in space. They really are aliens.

No, no, it's some sort of optical illusion.

No, it's not. Look. That's Africa.

Or is it South America? I can never remember.

Christ, I'm never going to get to work on time tomorrow.

- I hope everyone is hungry. - I said.

Very nice.

- May I help you? - Yes.

Wait.

I hope medium rare is satisfactory.

Oh, yes. Thank you very much. It's very nice indeed.

I'd like you to meet your fellow guests.

If you put these coins in, he will talk to you.

If you require anything else, please don't hesitate to ask.

Funny looking food. Nice looking girl, though, eh?

Fantastic.

I've heard of mills on wheels, but this is ridiculous.

Yes, I must say she was rather attractive.

I think you're all disgusting.

Can't you see what a vulgar little tart she is?

I don't know. Just calm down, darling.

Come and have something to eat.

You really must keep your strength up, you know.

I'm not eating any of that muck. I don't know where it's been.

Actually, it's quite delicious. Tastes a bit like fish fingers.

Mind you, I could murder some chips.

Attention. Attention. Look, I know nobody's interested,

But will you listen to me for just one moment, please?

If you don't do something,

about the condition of this ship, there will be

a state of total malfunction within 2 hours.

Well, as you can see, the drive units have fused

together, and the navigational lasers are out of sync again.

- ...in sync again. Sync again... - Get on with it.

Whoops. Sorry. Now then, what was I saying?

- The lasers. The lasers. - Yes..

they're in pretty bad shape, but I'm not very hot on lasers myself.

It seems that the engineer is pretty useless in this area, too.

Watch it you.

You'll be glad to hear, however, that the Sauna Come laundry unit is fully functional.

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, I forgot to mention.

The antifart system went off accidentally in the cargo hold.

All the soft furnishing fabrics have been destroyed.

That's does it.

A ruined ship and a worthless cargo.

We're in bankrupt.

- Not necessarily. - What do you mean?

We've got another cargo now. Aliens.

No, there'll be too much expense.

We've got to feed them and keep them warm.

And entertain them.

I know of a private zoo in Betelgeuse. They pay fantastically for unusual aliens.

- That's unethical. - It's illegal.

But highly profitable.

It's against all the civilized codes of intergalactic behavior.

We will do it.

First of all, we must check them out properly.

Intelligence, strength, physiology.

I think we might be on to a winner. Look at these.

See, the ones with the flat chest have these strange appendages.

I've never seen anything like it. They must be worth a fortune.

Biologically speaking. Most interesting.

Yes, we'll have to do a detailed analysis.

What are these creatures doing anyway?

Looks like a combat technique to me.

- No, it's a sport. - Nonsense, It's hand to hand combat.

I disagree. I think it's a religious rite or ceremony.

I mean, look at the expression of ecstasy on that face.

Well, here's an expression of agony.

Look, the flat chested specimen has his

legs looped around the normal lifeform's head.

- Well, it's a primitive stranglehold. - You're both way off target.

It's a sport.

A small creature with the miniature windows on his face told me.

I get a strange feeling looking at these.

I'm sure it's an intense spiritual communication.

Old sentimental drivel, Cosia.

Anyone can see they're beating hell out of each other.

That's all you ever think about.

Any insubordination, Partha and you'll find out why.

Now then, Cosia, I'd like you to run the

bios scan on one of the flat chested specimens.

And, Partha, you can do some intelligence tests.

I'll check their reflexes, aggression capabilities

and behavior under stress situations.

Report back to me when you're done. And Partha...

if we're ever going to get to Betelgeuse, you'd better do some repair.

Do you know what this is?

- Do you want a drink? - No thanks.

This is fantastic. It tastes like cherry brandy.

Oh really?

I've been watching you and you're not as grim as I thought.

What on earth do you mean?

Well, I bet you're quite attractive underneath those gungy clothes.

Gungy clothes?

Hey, now that you're not engaged to old singer over there,

perhaps we might make it together.

- Make it? - Yeah!

Look, I've been around, right?

So you across with the goods.

Look after me every now and again and I'll look after you. Deal?

Ollie, he's asked me to come across with the goods.

Well, I could have saved him the trouble.

- What? - Nothing, petal.

Hey, who wants some music? A request?

Yeah?

Oh God!

Oh, no! Not another Jesus freak?

- Who are you? - I'm from Cygnus Maxima.

I'm an analyst.

- He's an analyst. - That's right, sonny.

Put your money in. I sort out your hang-ups'.

So, what's your beef? Baby?

Mother complex? Fear of open spaces?

I'm telling you, I've seen them all.

- You. Come with me. - Me? My pleasure.

Excuse me, have you seen Partha?

- Partha? Why? - Nothing.

Are you enjoying your drink?

It's distilled from Venusian bear's urine.

One of the most sought after drinks in the galaxy.

Here. Goes well with the smoke.

Thank you very much, sir.

I mean, Miss.

I'm in love with two people at the same time. What can I do?

- Yeah. - Oh, never mind. Here, I need your help.

- What do you know about love? - Love?

- No such thing. - You're a waste of money.

Sorry.

You just keep that money coming out, and I'll

explain everything you need to know about love.

Tell me, are you an intelligent member of your species?

Well, I've got two "O" levels.

What's wrong with this statement? All generalizations are false.

- Search me. - No hands.

'No hands'. Search me...

Sorry.

Well, it's a generalization, isn't it?

So, how do you generalize above generalizations?

- Hey? - Oh, never mind.

- What do you do for a living? - Well, stock shelves in a supermarket.

You can have ten free minutes consultation for that.

You probably need it.

Oh, God. It's very nice to see you. How you been keeping? All right?

This way, please.

Don't go, Ollie. You don't know what she's going to do.

Well, take me. Go on.

- It's a routine examination. - Well, examine me.

I think I'd better do as she says, darling.

Nobody's going to get hurt.

You want to go, don't you? Oh, you're despicable.

Just calm down. Calm down.

Come on, let's go.

Ollie.

- Have you got clean underwear on? - Prudence...

You can't win them all, kiddo.

Would my mother miss me?

Cow shit.

- Do you know why you're here? - I've got a pretty good idea.

Well, in that case, you'll be well prepared for this little test.

Yes, fairly evenly matched.

Useless.

Are you paying attention?

Right, what's the cube root of 3264.5?

Well, if you give me a couple of ticks, I could give you a rough approximation.

I need a positive answer now.

Gracious. Must be the gymnasium.

- Are you paying attention? - Definitely.

Right, give me the formula which relates contracting mass with gravitational pull.

Can we start with the easy ones?

Well, can you answer?

I don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.

- Come in, Partha. - Keep that maniac away from me.

- Total negative on the combat test. - Likewise intelligence, skipper.

Tell Cosia not to bother with the Bioscan's. They're worthless.

Affirmative. What about the other creatures?

We might as well run checks on the flat chested one.

The normal life form will have to be returned to its habitat.

I can't sell a superior species to the zoo.

Where's that so called engineer?

Don't you realize that everything on this ship is falling to bits?

Oh, shut up and plug out. I'm busy. Come on

Get this door.

What are you doing?

- Why did you do that on my neck? - Because you have a fantastic neck.

Why, didn't you like it? I've had no complaints before.

Like it? What do you mean?

Come in here, and I'll explain.

Do you understand? Only the other day when I asked

him whether he preferred wallpaper or paint in the sitting room,

he flung down his paper, said a very rude word and walked out.

Well, If he's acts like that after two months of engagement,

what's he going to be like after 30 years of marriage?

They still have wallpaper in these parts, do they?

Did I ever mention to you that I wanted to

be an interior designer, but Mother wouldn't let me?

I never wanted to be an analyst. I mean, can you imagine what it's like

year after year, listening to people pouring out

the futile dregs of their underdeveloped minds?

Depression. Boy, can I tell you a few things about depression.

Not many people bother with wallpaper. I think it's a terrible shame.

Do you?

You.

Me?

I see you guys later.

The chamber of horrors.

I didn't mean, it's quite nice place, actually.

Oh, so there's my...

What's this?

Chest expanders.

Are you all right?

- Cosia, come in, please. - Read you, skipper.

You better do a bios scan on the small flat chested creature.

- We'll do. - And be careful. He is extremely dangerous.

- Do you understand? - Amazing.

Most bizarre.

- What was that? - Oh nothing.

- Open your mouth. - What for?

- How was that? - Not bad at all.

You'll soon get the hang of it.

- What are you going to do? - I'm recording details of your body.

My body?

Actually, we're very interested in your metabolism.

Metabolism.

Well, I had them removed with my tonsils.

Perfect.

Now, would you remove your remaining garment, please?

Hey?

I have to have a visual record of the

small vestigial limb located beneath your stomach.

under your abdomen. We are very interested.

A vestigial what?

I don't understand. You're reluctant.

It's very embarrassing.

I mean, can't you put the camera there and sort of look the other way?

Certainly not. I have to take measurements.

Measurements?

Yes, with this.

It's in the instructions.

Well, it might be in the instructions, but I mean, if you put that by here I mean...

The Bioscan.

Bioscan?

Now, let's see. What do I do?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, what was I doing? Measurements.

Unless you cooperate, I'll have to remove the garment myself.

That thing don't give up microwaves, does it?

No, it's quite harmless.

- Your hands... - What's about?

Please.

- There. I got a lovely exposure. - Oh, really?

- And now measures. - Christ.

If you'd be so kind as to hold this just there. Right.

Two and a half inches.

Must have misread it.

Three and a half inches.

Six inches?

I don't believe it. It's growing.

How do I measure it?

If I put down the minimum measurement and the maximum measure want that should do.

Could you extend it to its fullest length and width, please?

I'm terribly sorry, but I can't control the size.

- Can't control the size? - Yes but...

But it's your body.

Yes, but it's a sexual response, you see.

It's part of the human reproduction system.

See, when one meets a suitable partner, well, the organ will,

- well, you know anyway, now. - Fascinating.

- So this is your means of reproduction? - Well, some of it, yes.

I was mistaken. I thought it was a ritual of some mystical significance.

Well, it does have emotional overtones.

You say it takes place in the presence of a suitable partner?

Yes.

Does that mean I'm a suitable partner?

Definitely, yes.

Listen, why don't you and I...

- Are you married? - What is that?

Nothing. Nothing.

It's just that well, I only stock shelves in the supermarket at the moment.

But you never know. In a couple of years, I might become the assistant manager.

If anyone out there is the slightest bit interested I

have to report a serious malfunction in the...

All medical equipment is now totally unreliable.

I repeat, there is a serious malfunction in the Bioscan.

- Do such a thing to me I don't know... - Why I'd bother.

and then to me, maybe, complete fool of me if I could rip them...

I've never been so humiliated in al my life.

Fantastic.

- I want to do it again. - Oh, no. Just relax a while now.

We'll do it again later.

- No, again, again. - No more, please.

God I can't...

We can live with Mother until I can afford

a house, which is a bit, you know but she's...

But is it necessary to go through all that

merely to implement your reproductive system?

Suppose not.

In that case, then why don't we just sort of...

Oh, your Bioscan result.

I don't believe it. I've never seen results like this.

According to the Bioscan, you have one of the most advanced bodies in the universe.

Really?

I didn't realize.

It is indeed a privilege to have met you.

Charmed, I'm sure.

In that case, why don't I demonstrate to you the reproductive wonders...

of possibly one of the most advanced bodies in the whole universe? Yes?

Certainly.

They might even have me back in the darts team now.

- Again. I want to do it again. - No more. Please. No more.

You told me that was your specialty.

- But eight times is enough for anyone. - I insist.

Your minimal intelligence, you can't fight.

So I insist that you demonstrate your only talent again.

Leave me alone. I can't anymore.

Please leave me alone.

Come back here.

I want to do it again.

- I feel incredible. - I think it's wonderful.

May not believe this, but that was really my first time.

Can I show you how we do it?

Computer.

Come in, please, computer.

Someone wants to talk to me. I don't believe it.

I can't get through to the Bioscan Room. What's going on in there?

Search me. I can't get through there, either.

By the way, perhaps you will be interested to

know that there's trouble in the food unit...

...and pressure is building up in the storage cylinder.

Do me a favor, leave the storage problem to Cosia.

- Is this ship functioning? - You have to be joking.

Trust! It looks terrible.

You can have a steam bath and lose some weight at the same time.

Very convenient.

Do you want to try it?

What? And ruin the most perfect body in the universe?

That reminds me. I better report to Control.

Hello...

Control, please.

Where have you been, Cosia?

Oh, I've been doing some in depth research on the little alien.

That scrawny little brute made a fool out of me.

I've never been defeated so easily.

If anybody breathes a word about this back home...

I'll decapitate their memories and

wrap their intestines around their epiglottis.

You shouldn't be ashamed, Skipper.

The Bioscan report tells me that he's got one

of the most advanced bodies in the universe.

What?

That thing? Space ox.

You better get Partha to do an intelligence factor.

If it's got a brain as well,

we've got a fortune on our hands.

Okay, I'll send him right down.

Oh, and whatever you do, keep it happy.

I think I've discovered a way to do that, skip.

So you've got a highly advanced body and you're a ruthless fighter.

- You're just saying that. - Of course I'm saying it.

- What do you mean? - Nothing.

What I want to know is: Are you as good as Cliff?

As good as Cliff?

I mean, if you've got the most advanced body

in the universe, you must be incredible at this.

Oh, my bounces. I wonder where that got too tough.

You know why you're here, don't you?

No, but I'm beginning to wonder.

I'm supposed to find out how intelligent you are.

Well, I've got two "o" levels.

What's wrong with this statement? All generalizations are false.

- It's a generalization, isn't it? - That's very good.

What is the third person singular subjunctive...

...from the Neptunian verb to reverberate.

Correct. That's the most obscure verb in the universe.

Well, actually...

You're a genius. I think you're wonderful.

Well, in that case, couldn't we just go out for a drink together?

Because if I was seen with you,

it would do my reputation a power or good down at the dog and Duck.

Never mind. Your astonishing brain.

amazed me with your unique and stunning body.

And I love her, damn it. But she won't let me near her.

It's driving me to distraction. But what can I do?

I play squash, rugger, I go for long runs.

Sometimes I take half a dozen cold showers a day. But it's no good.

What about my health? Have you thought about that?

You know, I have it on the very best authority,

that prolonged frustration is potentially carcinogenic.

Ah, tricky. Ever thought of giving her the push?

Absolutely out of the question.

Well, I mean, just look at her underneath that frosty exterior,

she's a terrifically attractive woman.

It's your style, dimwit. Use more authority.

Don't let her scare you.

Scare me? That's an understatement. She puts the fear of God into me.

You know, I stretched her leg once.

and she brought her knees together so hard

that my fingers were bruised for weeks.

That's it. Violence.

What she's trying to tell you is give me some of that.

Don't crawl around with bunches of flowers,

throw her across your knee and inflict a little discipline.

- Good Heavens! - I've seen it everywhere, kiddo.

The caveman approach. Works with chicks like her every time.

Caveman? But I'm a research assistant.

We'll use your imagination. Anything. It'd be an improvement.

Caveman approach?

- Prudence, I'd like a word with you. - Oh, go away.

Prudence. The time has come...

Why are you talking like that? And why are you standing like that?

You look stupid.

You see, it's no good. No good at all.

- So what happened to the caveman. - I just can't bring myself to do it.

What on earth happened to you? You look awful.

Fucking Space Rats.

You got me up there. I'm going out there.

I think I'm in love with you.

You got me up there, I'm going out there.

I think I'm in love with you.

I know that you come so many, many times before.

Come in, Partha.

Come in, please, Partha.

What now?

What are the results of your tests on the little alien?

Fantastic.

- Repeat that. - I mean, he's a genius.

I've got two O levels as well.

In that case, I want it on the bridge immediately.

If it would be so kind...

Sorry.

Is not fair.

Please, come in.

- Take a sit. - Tha.

This must seem very basic to a man of your capabilities.

Not really.

But I was once shown the cockpit of a 747.

We're all most impressed with you Willy, and honored to have you aboard.

Very nice to be here.

I have a small proposition to make.

- Really? - Yes.

- My advice to you is... - Yes?

You're going to have to put some more money in.

What, again?

I got to make a living, kiddo.

Terrific. Now then, where were we?

- You're a man, right? - Well, I believe so.

- Strong, resilient. - Strong, resilient.

- Resourceful, courageous. - Resourceful, courageous.

Try to see the ravaging primeval beast that lurks within the research assistant.

Right.

- Well, what are you waiting for? - Is that it?

You're on your own now, kiddo.

- Hey, you. - What do you want now, Oliver?

- Prudence, I'm a man. - Is that a fact?

And if you don't do as I say,

I'm going to put you across my knee and show you a little discipline.

- You what? - You heard me, woman.

- What on earth has got into you, Oliver? - Now look here, Prudence.

You are a man.

No, I am a man and you are a woman.

And sooner or later the inevitable must happen. And I say sooner.

Get away from me, you beast.

That's right. That's right. I'm a beast.

- Come back. - Get after, man.

- Prudence. - Oh, boy, what a schmuck.

Prudence, I'm not a beast, really.

Prudence. Prudence. Look...

I'll never be rude about wallpaper again, really.

I do love synthetic fibers.

Are you rested yet?

- No, I can't take anymore. - I want to do it again.

- No. Leave me alone. For God's sake. - Again! Again!

I can't take anymore.

I never want to see another woman again in my life.

Prudence? Prudence?

Oh, I say.

Prudence?

Is it really you?

Prudence, how will you ever forgive me?

I'll never be horrible to you again. Never. Never. I'm promise.

And, Prudence, I don't mind if the bathroom is lime green. Really.

- Do you promise, Ollie? - Yes.

Ollie.

Don't you think I look sexy?

Oh, yes.

- Ollie, kiss me properly. - What?

Kiss me properly, Ollie.

Oh, right.

Ollie. Let's do it, now. Please.

- It? - Yes, let's do it now.

Oh, gosh. Right.

Gosh.

I'm coming on, darling.

Ollie, I'm ready.

- Warm enough for you, darling? - Yes darling.

Well, it's very nice of you to ask me.

No, thank you.

You could have anything you wanted.

I don't know.

So much has happened since I've been with you.

No one will ever know if I don't go back to Earth.

Come with us, Willie. You'll have much more.

But it's your decision.

I'd miss you, Willie.

I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

Anyone seen the one called Cliff?

We may not have lost him.

Willie, I must talk to you.

- Is it true you're not coming with us? - I can't.

You don't understand.

Where we come from, there's no one like you.

You'd be unique, supreme, unchallenged.

And you're so good at. Oh, Willie he please stay with me.

Willie!

little Brut. He wasn't such a cunning little fighter.

I can't make him go against his will.

You saw what he did to me. To me?

Why, that last creature that blacked my eye was torn limb from limb.

All 38 of them.

Black holes of space.

I'm not going to let that monstrous little creature slip through my fingers.

Cut that out.

- What in space do you want? - I'm the ship's computer, remember?

I don't know if you're interested, but the ship's falling apart

as it is without you knocking bits out of it.

I'm fed up with your moaning.

The lasers and the doors have gone berserk.

And the mayonnaise is overheating in the kitchen unit.

All right. I'm sending Partha down to Engineering. You can work it out.

- I want to land soon. - Land? Land?

Get moving Partha!

All right.

- Where is everyone? - Why ask me?

Maybe they're chasing each other.

You haven't seen my magazines, have you?

Magazines?

Don't you think you should consult the manual?

Oh, shut up and plug out.

- What is this? - I don't know.

Well, you ought to. It's your job.

I wasn't designed for cargo ships. I was designed for passenger liners.

I told them that when they bought me secondhand.

Well, I don't know what it is either.

Maybe it's the pipe that troops hamburgers down to the mest deck.

No, can't be.

- Sewage disposal. - Yuck. Thanks a million.

- Oh, Ollie. - Oh Gosh...

Hang on a minute, petal. Specs seem to have come.

Oh, petal...

Sorry darling.

Oh, you want the curtains blue?

Fine. Anything you like, darling.

Good gracious.

Oh, Golly gosh.

- Do you feel better, Ollie? - Oh, dear.

What?

Give me a projected degree of descent. Cosia.

Cosia!

3.4. Wait a minute.

- 4.6. - Give it me roughly.

Well, assuming we have an atmospheric pressure

of no less than 45 pounds, we should be able...

I mean, we might be able to...

- it's possible... - Forget it. We'll play it by ear.

Acknowledge. Skipper.

Come in, Partha. Situation report and repairs.

- Do you read me, Partha? - Yes. Ouch.

We're going to break orbit soon. Okay?

Well, what do you think, computer?

As long as that laser holes and the drive unit stays cool.

But frankly, I think it's suicide.

It's okay, skipper. Anytime you want.

Attention, all aliens.

We shall be breaking orbit in exactly...

well, approximately three minutes.

You will be returned to your place of origin in precisely... as soon as possible.

Ollie, we're going home.

What a shame.

During the flight, will you please remain seated.

In the event of illness, please look above your heads...

where you will find... no, sorry.

Please look below your feet where you will find

some small green tablets in a marked locker.

Sorry. This applies only to decks three, four and five.

These should be taken three at a time with a glass water.

- Sorry for this time. - Shut up, Cosia.

But, Skipper, it's correct procedure.

Well, you can forget it.

Cause here we go!

Help.

What is happening?

That's they call in the trade a textbook landing.

I think I've lost a filling.

Ollie you're joking me.

Darling, you're nearly breaking my specs.

- Ollie, what's happened? - I don't know, darling.

Gosh. How do you know? You had freckly kneecaps

Oh, Ollie.

- What the devil is happening? - They must have landed.

All aliens please go to airlock number three immediately, please.

We hope you enjoyed your flight.

Please ensure that you have left no personal belongings on board.

Skip it, Cosia, you take over from here.

I'm going to say farewell to our valuable little friend.

I wish someone would tell me what to do.

I've never had to make a decision before.

I've had no practice.

Just relax and go with the tide, kiddo.

Just let things happens.

But it's different now. I'm a man.

- Really. - If I don't go back, no one will know.

Leave them in the dark. They don't deserve you.

On the other hand, there is Cosia.

And I thought you were an intelligent member of your species.

I've come to find out whether you're returning

to that squalid apology from planet.

Well, I've made my decision. My decision is...

I don't know.

I've heard a lot about you, Willie. And I'm afraid I can't let you go.

Not until I found out whether everything I've heard is true.

- Oh, dear. - That's all right.

There's plenty of time.

- Well, in that case. - Is this right?

All right, all right. I'm going to come with you.

Because on Earth, they just abused me.

They pushed me around. I was a nobody. I meant nothing.

And that's for Sandra. I mean, who needs supermarkets?

Oh, do it again.

- Ouch. - What's wrong?

I've got me lip caught in your zip.

Please hurry up, darling. I mean, the do it

yourself shop closes in about half an hour.

- Yes darling. - C'mon C'mon.

- You really don't mind? - No. Absolutely perfect.

Oh, Ollie, please don't start that again.

Sorry, darling. I'm rather sorry to be leaving, really, you know.

Quite fun.

What do I do with my hands?

Well, put that one there. And put that one there.

Put that there, that there.

Oh, forgot. Are you married?

- Is this nice? - Oh, yes.

Go, Cosia. Go! Go! Go!

Move it, Cosia.

I did it! I did it!

I did it!

ATTENTION

- What this sign? - Well, It's a...

- There's a switch. I better... - Don't touch it...

Do not touch!

You got me up there. I'm going out there.

I think I'm in love with you.

You got me up there. I'm going out there.

I think I'm in love with you.

You got me up there. I'm going out there.

I told them this would happen. But would they listen?

- Hi there. Who are you? - Ship's computer.

Or should I say I was the ship's computer?

I hardly recognized you.

By the way. Do you know where we're heading?

Roughly speaking, we're drifting towards the back end of the Milky Way.

- Great! That's home. - This take us years to get there.

Subtitles: Kilo