All language subtitles for Poker Face S02E06 - Sloppy Joseph SuccessfulCrab.

Thank you, Stephanie.

You're welcome, Ms. Dee.

Thank you for saying thank you.

Spelling bee today.

First place worth 20 gold stars.

Hey, Joseph, pick a card.

Okay, um, maybe this one.

Joseph?

Three of hearts, five of diamonds.

Spell "metamorphosis."

M-E-A-T...

Oh, I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

"Twelve."

D?

- D?
- W.

No, Noah, I'm sorry.

H-O-C-U-S

space

P-O-C-U-S.

Hocus pocus.

Awesome! Okay. Back in line.

"Leprechaun."

Why?

The next word is "Abracadabra."

But that's an onomatopoeia.

- It's not a word.
- It is a word.

No, it's an onomatopoeia.

- It is a real word.
- Onomatopoeia.

- Stephanie.
- Onomatopoeia!

- Okay.
- I demand a real word.

What is this? Anarchy? Are we beasts?

It is a word, Stephanie.

Okay? Just give it a try.

A...

B...

R...

A...

- K.
- Mm.

Sorry, Stephanie. That's incorrect.

Sit down, Stephanie. Please.

You're out...

Elijah, spell the word "Abracadabra."

A-B-R-A...

C-A-D-A...

B-R-A.

Yeah, he won!

Great job, Elijah! You're catching up.

Hey, Stephanie.

It's alright, okay?

We still have
the talent show coming up.

I'm sure you'll show off
one of your many skills there.

You're right, Ms. Dee.

Everyone deserves
their chance in the spotlight.

The winner of the
talent show gets 30 gold stars!

Yeah! Make sure you practice.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I will now make Joseph disappear!

Ready?

Wow, man.

You are a real magician.

That was really great, bud.

He's good.

Welcome to the
Good Hope Academy Talent Show.

And a big thank you
to Stephanie Pearce

for putting the slideshow together.

Okay.

Uh, first up, we have
Mildred Sandstone

reciting the alphabet backwards.

Z.

Y.

Shh, shh, shh.

- Backstage voices.
- X.

Backstage voices, okay?

W.

V.

You're very photogenic, Elijah.

Photo what?

As in you take a nice picture.

I like your magician outfit,

but aren't you forgetting your diaper?

How do you know about that picture?

Knock 'em dead out there, baby.

O.

N.

I.

H.

G.

F.

E.

D.

C.

B.

A.

Thank you.

Up next, we have Elijah Turner

with a death-defying magic trick.

Aww!

It's okay, Joseph.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I will now make Joseph disappear!

Now, wait a minute.

They want you to sign
what kind of document?

Uh, yeah, it's some

kind of honor pledge, Good Buddy.

I don't know, I guess
if I don't sign it

by the end of the week, I get fired.

Now, listen here, Pretty Vacant.

Do not sign that paper.

The government cannot
legislate the morals of...

Alright, look, it's, it's,
it's a private school.

So they say.

Don't underestimate the scope

of the modern
indoctrinational-industrial complex.

Alright, Bukowski. Relax.

I mean, it's, uh,

it's just like a private
schoolhouse type of deal.

I mean, yeah, it's a bit
strict, but who knows?

Maybe a little bit of structure
will be a welcome change.

So it's change you're looking for.

Well, I don't know.
Or, uh, escapism maybe.

You know, get out of the world of men,

get into the world of kids, uh.

Get back some of that
childlike wonder,

that love, that trust,
that, uh, whole antediluvian era

of innocence and honesty.

That sounds kind of nice, right?

That sounds very nice.

Okay, what?

- Nothin'.
- No, what?

You spend much time around kids?

Yeah. Me?

Yeah. You know, sure.

Pssh. Sure.

Alright. Good luck.

Okay.

Good luck. Over.

Here you go.

That's a yummy yummy
for your tummy tummy.

Hi-de-ho.

A little Sloppy Joe.

Uh. Buns are up.

You look tired.

How about you keep it moving, huh?

We don't encourage staff
interaction with our students.

Have you signed your honor pledge?

Ah, yes, yes.

Uh, yes, I have. Here it is.

Uh, sorry about that,
Principal... Ma'am.

It's Hamm, not "Ma'am."

Dr. Hamm, actually.

Ah.

Dr. Hamm.

Works for me.

Alright.

J.B., my man.

You got any, uh,
industrial-strength garbage bags?

I got something
of a Sloppy Joe calamity

happening in the kitchen.

Charlie, my dude.

I got you covered.

Thanks.

Hey, uh...

is it just me or is there, uh,

something of a petty tyrant

workplace situation
happening around here?

Oh. Oh, great. Dr. Hamm.

Hi. It's great to see you.
I love saying that name.

Dr. Hamm just brings me joy.
Don't know why.

Well, petty cash is short again.

$20 this time.

Now, I know our students
and teachers didn't steal it,

so I'm asking all of our staff.

Empty your pockets, please.

Uh, Doc, you can't be serious.

Don't I look like I'm serious?

Well, yeah, perpetually.

But, I mean, come on,
it's a little bit insulting.

It's a little more than
a little insulting.

- It's actually like...
- But we'd be happy to do it.

- Right, Charlie?
- Okay, sure, uh.

My keys.

Mm.

Alright then.

Let's keep it this way.

Gosh, man.

I mean, thanks for
intervening so I didn't get fired

but, like, holy cannoli.

That's some real bullshit
you're putting up with.

- Uh, how do you do it?
- It's easy.

I just remind myself that this
is the best private school

in the Tri-County area.

Right.

Your, um, your kid
goes here, of course.

Yeah. As long as I have
this job, his tuition is free.

So, yeah, if I have
to swallow my pride, uh,

when Hamm's on the warpath,
yeah, so be it.

I'm... Look, ever since his mom...

...died,

Elijah's been in his own world

and he's been doing
magic alone in his room.

His best friend at this
school is the class gerbil.

It's not good, but, uh,

lately he's been blossoming, you know?

He won the spelling bee today.

- Oh.
- Yeah, and tomorrow,

he's doing his magic act
for the talent show, so.

You know what it's like as a parent

to see your kid grow like that?

To, to do something scary
and still get a win?

Yeah. I can only imagine.
No, that's cool.

Wow.

Oh!

Wow.

Hey, hey! Lookin' sharp.

Elijah's debuting his magic act.

I better look sharp.

Work it.

Up next, we have Elijah Turner

with a death-defying magic act.

You show 'em, Mini Houdini.

Mini Houdini.

Houdini.

Ah! What a guy.

Oh, ooh, okay.

Sounds like somebody's a hit.

Quickly. Nobody...

Nobody...

Oh, gosh. Ms. Dee.

Ms. Dee, what happened? What's wrong?

Geez.

- Just give me a minute, okay?
- Yeah.

What the hell kind of
magic trick was it?

It wasn't a magic trick.

Elijah just killed Joseph

in front of the entire school.

Wait, J.B.'s kid killed another kid?

No. No. Joseph is the class gerbil.

Elijah put him in some kind
of lantern thing and...

Wait a minute, are you telling me

that the class pet's name
is Joseph Gerbils?

Yeah. What?

Nah... Uh, nothing.

But anyway, it must have been some

kind of mix-up because...

well, Elijah crushed Joseph
with the hammer.

I checked the box!

- Oh, no.
- Yeah.

Just... Ugh.
Blood splattered everywhere.

The entire front row is gonna need

some serious therapy after this one.

Look, I gotta get these kids, okay?

- Yeah, yeah. Of course.
- Come back this way, please.

Ah, sheesh.

- Charlie?
- Hey, hey.

I found this in the, uh, parking lot.

I thought Elijah might want it back.

Thanks.

Oh, and, uh, I thought
you might need this.

Ta-da!

Abracadabra.

So, uh, how's he doing?

Have a listen.

Never get out of the boat.

Never get out of the boat.
Never get out of the boat.

And he's been
like that since he's been home.

He won't eat.
He, he won't leave his room.

He wants me to burn
all of his magic stuff.

All the progress he's made.
We've made.

It's all disappeared just like that.

I don't understand.

D-Don't kids forget
everything that happened,

like, 12 seconds afterwards?

Uh, something about too much
water in their brains?

I think you're thinking of goldfish.

I am.

No, I don't think he's
ever gonna live this down.

The video of
the talent show is online,

and some parents have been commenting.

And one of them even suggested
that they start a petition

to expel Elijah from school.

I'm sorry, don't,
don't they understand

that this is just a terrible accident?

What?

No.

No, come on. You wanna
say something, say it.

No, no, no. Nothing.
You're right. You're right.

It was probably all just a,

just a terrible accident.

Bullshit.

Fine.

There was a box under the lantern.

It had a hole in it.
That's how the trick works.

Yeah, so Elijah waves
a wand with one hand,

and with the other hand,
he secretly pulls a string.

The gerbil drops through
onto a little cushion.

That way, when Elijah
swings the mallet,

there's nothing there.

Okay.

Yeah, well, the box
was turned upside down.

There was no hole for
the gerbil to fall through.

And that's when,
when everything went wrong.

So, Elijah,

he, uh, turned the box the wrong way?

That gerbil was his best friend.

He would've, he would've
double, triple checked

to make sure that it was safe.

Listen, I know my son.

Someone sabotaged his magic trick.

Yes, okay. You think I'm crazy.

Nah, man, I just, uh...

You know, I think
maybe it was something

a little bit less diabolical
than all that.

Ah.

Hey, look, I-I-I'm sorry, pal.

Having kids seems rough.

I just... Is there anything
that I can do to help?

Well, um, yeah.

I mean, if you wouldn't mind
feeding the, uh,

surviving gerbils.

- It, uh...
- Mm. Yeah, sure.

...it was Elijah's job.

The food is in my office.

Keys to the kingdom.

Yeah, no, try not to lose those.

'Cause the only other person
that has keys

to my office is Dr. Hamm, so.

Dr. Hamm.

You know, I think I like that name

because it reminds me
of a cartoon doctor pig,

uh, wearing a stethoscope.

Paging Dr. Hamm.

Ah. Uh, look...

Elijah's gonna bounce back, okay?

And the other kids
are gonna come around.

Yeah, I don't know.

Kids live in a different
world than we do,

and it's a lot bigger,
and it's a lot louder,

and it's a lot meaner.

It's a jungle down there.

Take it easy.

I'm sorry, man.

Never get out of the boat.

Never get out of the boat.

Never get out of the boat.

Oh, my God. Thank goodness.

The kids could really use
a distraction.

Right here's good.

Here goes nothing.

Oh, no, no, no.

Okay, maybe, uh, start at the corners.

Uh, uh, sorry.

Uh, Ms. Dee, we need some help.

Oh, geez, um.
Okay, I'll be right back.

I got a nosebleed at 7 o'clock.

No, lean forward. Not backwards.

You'll choke.

Hey, uh, what's the story
with pigtails over there?

Oh, Stephanie?

Oh, she might be the most upset

about what happened.

This morning, she even
asked me if we'd do

a class prayer on Joseph's behalf.

Geez. Uh, that's very
thoughtful of her.

Yeah, I thought so too.

I gave her two gold stars for it.

Oh.

She's our star student. Literally.

Holy Toledo. So, like, she
just, uh, wins everything?

Well, almost.

I mean, technically,
no one won the talent show.

And she lost the spelling bee.

Oh, uh, right.

To, um...

- ...uh, J.B.'s kid, right?
- Yeah.

- Uh, Elijah...
- Ah! No, no.

Maybe don't say his name
out loud just yet.

Give it some time.

Huh.

Wow. Stephanie, right?

That's right. Can I help you?

You're a real achiever, huh?

Says who?

Well, says you.

According to you, you love to achieve.

I do.

I just wanna be the best me possible.

Huh.

Hey, uh...

so, uh, what does that mean?

Uh, like, having the most gold stars?

Not to brag, but that
makes me the best me

and the best kid in the class.

Well, I mean, except
for spelling, right?

Like, Elijah is the best at spelling.

He's also the best
at murdering animals

and giving everyone nightmares.

Does that make you upset

that Elijah's better
than you at spelling?

Not at all.

Everyone deserves a chance to shine.

Well, somehow, I, uh,

well, I don't think you believe that.

Whatever do you mean?

Well, uh, I can see
that you're a gifted kid.

And, believe it or not,
I'm a little gifted too.

At what? Smelling like wet beef?

That, and I can tell
if somebody is lying.

Okay, wow. Neato.

Alright, how about we just, uh,

slow down on this thing
so I don't vomit.

Now, I think that maybe
you were a little bit upset

because Elijah was
gaining on you, right,

with those gold stars?

So, you sabotaged his
magic trick. Am I right?

- No.
- Bull...

shoot.

Bull shoot.

I, uh, well, I happened to find

this in the, uh, custodian's office,

and, uh, that's where
Elijah keeps his magic kit.

So, it's very hard proof
that you were in there.

And, well,

I think you and I both know

that Elijah didn't kill
that gerbil on purpose.

It only happened because you
messed with his magic trick.

Now, you, you have
a chance here, okay,

to do the right thing,
I mean, the brave thing,

and just clear Elijah's name.

What do you say, kid?

I say...

What the hell?

Just try and prove it now. Good luck.

...now Joseph disappear!

I know you missed something,

you pigtailed demon child,

and I'm gonna find it.

Hey, kiddo, so who's the resident
computer whiz around here?

Oh, um, I guess I am.

Oh, cool. So, what
do you say? You wanna log me on?

I'll make it worth your while.

Okay, uh, so this is the entire video

of the talent show.

Alright. Okay. What can we find?

Alright.

Uh-huh, okay.

Snoozefest.

Huh.

Okay, so Elijah runs off stage.

Then when he comes back,

his picture is missing
from the slideshow.

Which Stephanie made.

Hey, uh, do you know

i-i-is this the exact computer
that Stephanie used

to make those slides?

Okay.

Um, let's take a peek here.

Uh, great.

Okay, alright, here's her presentation

and the slideshow pictures.

Aww.

Oh, my God.

Hey. Hey, what's so funny?

That's just a cute
little baby picture.

Look at Elijah. Dumb diaper baby.

- Oh, my God.
- Wait, wait, wait.

This is embarrassing?

Huh. So, is that why
Stephanie went into J.B.'s office?

To, to, to, to create
some kind of distraction?

Will Charlie Cale

report to the principal's
office, please?

- Charlie Cale.
- Yeesh McGeesh.

I'm like a grown-ass man.

Why, why did that
just make me terrified?

Hey, you really shouldn't say A-S-S

unless it's like
a donkey in the Bible.

Oh, okay.

I'll-I'll amend that behavior.

I'm not really supposed to have sugar.

Oh.

Look, I'm aware that I may come across

as somewhat inflexible.

Uh, but you have to understand
the position I'm in

as the head of an elite
preparatory academy.

I have multiple
competing stakeholder groups

that I have to deal with
on a daily basis.

The children, their parents,

uh, the board of trustees.

Not to mention the teachers and staff.

What's best for one group
might not necessarily be

what's most pleasing to the others.

That means, every day,
I have to make hard decisions

that will ultimately make
somebody unhappy.

Are you firing me?

Yes.

Uh, I am so sorry.

Might I ask why?

I can't have a cafeteria worker

harassing a student

or calling her
a "pigtailed demon child."

Stephanie? No, no, no.

I was not harassing her.

Well, she showed me a video.

Oh, yeah?

Well, look, uh, if anything,

Stephanie was harassing Elijah.

That's preposterous.

Stephanie is our star student.

She sabotaged Elijah's magic trick.

And that is how
the class gerbil went belly up.

Well, that's a very harsh accusation.

Well, in the first place,
she had a motive.

Elijah was, uh, gaining on her
with these gold stars.

She didn't like that.

And next, opportunity.

Elijah had to leave the stage

when he saw that really
embarrassing picture

that Stephanie put in the slideshow.

And, uh, well,

that gave her a perfect window

to just mess with his magic trick.

Do you have proof?

I did have proof,

but that little
demon-haired bitch ate it.

Look, do you wanna help Elijah or not?

Because, man, this kid,
he could really use our help.

And...

Wait, now that I'm thinking
about it, I...

How the hell did Stephanie get
into that custodian closet?

There's only two people
that have keys, right?

It's you. It's, uh, J.B., of course.

So, uh...

We are not here to discuss my keys

or my friendship bracelet.

Uh...

I was not discussing
your friendship bracelet.

Uh, unless you want me to talk to you

about your friendship bracelet?

I suggest you leave my office.

Well, okay.

And go to the restroom downstairs.

Huh?

Second stall from the back.

Uh.

Okay.

Okay. Uh...

Oh, shit.

So, you're the cash box thief?

Shh. Quiet!

This is humiliating enough.

Go to page six.

Okay.

I've developed a bit of a,

of a gambling habit, okay?

Which means, sometimes,
I don't have much cash on me.

So, sometimes, I grab a little.

Well, not exactly
role model behavior, Dr. Hamm.

Well, I always put
the cash back the next day.

But one time, Stephanie caught me.

Oh God, her,

her parents manage
Beavers' Corners Casino.

She's been blackmailing me ever since.

That's how she got
the keys to J.B.'s office.

My hands are tied.

Wear this as a reminder.

If you ever cross me,
you're out of a job.

Hey, not to go out on
a flying broomstick or anything,

but, uh, I mean, you're
talking about a little girl

and a couple of bucks here,

a few dollars there out of a cash box.

I mean, it just can't be
that big of a deal.

Well, well,
t-tell that to the kids' parents.

They pay 30 grand a year
for an elite education.

I mean, it's all about appearances.

So, how's this gonna look?

Oh. Yeah, sure.

Uh, I-I-I-I'm sorry.

So, you're just gonna let pigtails

run Elijah out of the school?

Changing schools might be
the best thing for Elijah.

Better than being
in Stephanie's crosshairs.

Stephanie is untouchable.

Trust me.

Save yourself and just walk away.

Too bad they don't give out gold stars

for outsmarting the lunch lady.

Or should I say ex-lunch lady?

Huh. Gold stars. Yada, yada.

Gold stars go to the best student,

not the class weirdo
who's only at this school

because his dad cleans the potties.

Alright, kid, listen to me.

If you keep this up, you just...

you're not gonna have
a lot of friends.

I don't need friends.

Hey, look, there's
this expression, right?

Goes like this:

"It's lonely at the top."

Meaning, everybody needs friends.

Even you.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's alright. What's wrong?

It's gonna be okay. It's okay.

You okay?

Maybe I say I don't need friends...

because they're the one thing
I want the most.

And I act out because...

I just want someone to like me.

Bullshoot.

♪ It's lovely at the
top, it's lovely at the top ♪

♪ It's lovely, lovely, lovely,
lovely lovely at the top ♪

- Fucking kid.
- ♪ Lovely at the top ♪

♪ Lovely at the top ♪

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Whoa, uh...

I'm actually on my way out, uh.

Well, turns out,
kids aren't really my bag.

But, uh, I wanna feed
the gerbils before I go.

Knock yourself out.

I just wish, uh,

could've figured out
a way to help Elijah out.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too.

I thought I was helping.

Between me and you...

I was giving him all magic-related

spelling bee words on purpose.

I mean, that kid's got
so much potential.

I thought all he needed was
just a nice little victory

to help him come out of his shell.

Well, uh,

that's very teacherly of you.

Yeah, I also thought
it'd be good for Stephanie

to learn how to deal
with a little disappointment.

Yeah. No gold stars
for pigtails on that front.

Ah.

Ah!

God, man, were-were kids this mean

when we were growing up?

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

I mean, on some level, they know that

adolescence is just around the corner,

and it's gonna be total warfare.

So, they're, they're
testing boundaries

and building up walls,

often as early as second grade.

But, you know, at the same time...

...they still have these,

these little kid hearts.

They wanna love each other.

Yeah.

Childhood. The worst.

Mm.

I tell you, I don't blame Elijah

for wanting to hang out
with the gerbils

instead of his classmates.

Everything's so much
simpler down there.

Hmm.

The boat.

Elijah kept saying, uh,
"Never get out of the boat."

And I get it.

I mean, look at these guys.

Yeah, no gold stars,

no competition, no cruelty.

Just, well, taking care of each other

and loving each other no matter what.

Mm. Most of the kids get that.

Yeah.

But, uh, not Stephanie, huh?

Well, not yet at least.

Hey, I... I've got an idea

for how we could, uh,
you know, help Elijah out, uh.

But we're gonna need a bigger boat.

You're doing great,
bud. You'll be just fine.

Dad, I'm scared.

They're all gonna hate me.

No. No, they're not.

No one's gonna hate you.

Hey, listen, you're doing it, okay?

You're... And I'm right here with you.

I'm so proud of you, bud.

Okay.

Welcome back, Elijah!

We missed you.

- We love you.
- What is this?

We wanted to show you that we love you

and that we're all in the same boat.

You hear that, bud?
Everybody's so happy to see you.

Yes, they are.

And we have some
very special news to share.

We were able to revive Joseph.

He's all better now.

- Are you crazy?
- I can't believe it.

You know Joseph's still dead, right?

We're all together again!

That's an imposter.

Joseph Gerbils is still dead.

That's not your gerbil husband.

That's enough, Stephanie.

Hey, you know what,
I love Elijah so much,

I'm gonna give him all my gold stars.

What?!

- No!
- Elijah! Elijah!

- Put those back.
- Elijah! Elijah!

That's... that's...

that's socialism!

No running, please.

Now, that's one for the slideshow.

What are you doing here? You're fired.

I should be asking you
the same question.

But, look,

Elijah's dad is a thief,
a cash box thief.

Wow.

Trying to get Elijah
kicked out of school

by gettin' his dad fired.

I mean, that's low even for you.

So? What are you gonna do about it?

Oh, me? Me, nothing.

But a force greater than either of us

is coming for you, kid.

Oh, no. The police?

Puberty.

Now, here's how this is gonna go down.

Your little reign of terror?
Oh, it's over.

No more bracelets. No more blackmail.

Or else this photo's gonna wind up

in not just your parents' inbox
but also the admissions office

of every elite boarding school
on the East Coast.

Shake on it.

Yep.

Wow. Best friends forever.

They're nice animals.
Treat them with respect.

Be gentle. That's one of the
main things. You have to be gentle.

It's perfect, Dad. Thank you.

So, yeah, I mean, it turns out

that a bunch of 8-year-olds
didn't have all the answers.

Who knew? Oh yeah, I knew.

Ah, right.

Ah.

But I will tell you something.

I mean, they will always
find a way to surprise you.

Over.

sync & corrections awaqeded
www.addic7ed.com