Original subtitles

All set, Charlie.

Hey, Pa!

Whoa.

Hey, Pa, you got time for a game before supper?

Go get your ball. I'll meet you out back.

Okay, Roy.

Come on, I want to see some smoke on this one.

- Whoa! Okay! - Yeah!

Son, you put that in a bottle,

you got something sweeter than Yoo-hoo.

Whoa! Beauty!

You got a great gift, Son.

It's as if angels came down from heaven

and put a blessing on your three bowling digits.

You can apply everything that I've taught you about bowling

to your daily life.

And if you do that, you're gonna be decent,

you're gonna be moral,

you're gonna be a good man.

Well, all set, guys.

Can you believe this?

Me on the professional bowling tour?

It's your calling, Son.

One day, when people say the name "Munson"'

they're gonna think "winner."

Just like DiMaggio is to baseball,

or Unitas is to football.

That's what Munson will be to bowling.

- That's right, Roy. - Yeah, Roy.

I hope so, Dad. I want to make you proud.

Hey, Roy,

maybe you can get this old piece of crap working,

or if you get in a pinch,

maybe you'll get a couple of bucks for it.

Thanks, Dad.

You go get them, Son.

I will.

It all comes down to this roll.

Roy Munson, a man-child,

with a dream to topple bowling giant, Ernie McCracken.

If he strikes, he's the 1979 Odor-Eaters champion.

He's got one foot in the frying pan and one in the pressure cooker.

Believe me, as a bowler, I know,

that right about now your bladder feels like an overstuffed vacuum cleaner bag,

and your butt is kind of like an about-to-explode bratwurst.

Hey! Do you mind? I wasn't talking when you were bowling.

Was I talking out loud?

Was I?

Sorry.

Good luck.

Yeah!

Munson! Munson!

Munson! Munson! Munson! Munson!

Big problem, my friend.

- Engine blown. - Engine blown?

Someone put sugar in your tank.

- Sugar? That's impossible. - Here. Here. Sugar.

Maybe it's the bad kids around here.

- How much is it gonna cost to fix? -$2,000.

$2,000? That's gonna wipe me out.

I'm sorry. Did I wake you, Fatima?

- Ethyl supreme. Top it off, please. - Right away.

Watch the door.

Hey, pinhead, juice the tires for me, will you?

Today. Oh, Roy. Didn't expect to see you so soon.

- Hi, Mr. McCracken. - Hey, call me Ernie or Big Ern, huh?

For a young bowler like yourself, the tour can be very difficult.

Very expensive.

Tanqueray and Tab.

Keep them coming, sweets. I got a long drive.

Do me a favor, will you?

Would you mind washing off that perfume

before you come back to our table?

A little bad luck, like you had here today, all of your dreams can go up in smoke.

That's why even we veteran bowlers,

we work our way, tournament to tournament.

We need the supplemental income.

Supplemental income?

- Supplemental. - Supplemental.

Yeah, it's extra. That's what it means.

You interested?

- Interested? - Interested.

Would you be interested in some extra income?

Extra income?

Want to make more money?

Okay.

Why don't you go eat that outside and then come on back in?

- Hi. - Hello.

Not you.

- Hi. - Hi.

God, do people actually bowl here?

They live here. They die here. They get their mail here.

I don't know about this, Mr. McCracken. Something doesn't seem right.

Well, it takes guts to say no, kid. You got a lot of courage.

I don't think I could call my mommy and daddy

and tell them I didn't have what it takes to make it on the tour.

All right, let's get going.

Better call them before they go to sleep. Come on, hurry up.

- All right. - Nice flip-flop. Way to go.

Two more for me and my friend here.

I got it in the nose.

Here, just take it out of that.

Say there, buddy,

you gonna buy the beers or the whole place?

No, I...

This is just my bonus. I had a good month.

A good month.

This punk shattered my monthly record.

I had the entire company record, 21 %. Just shattered.

Look at this bonus they gave him.

What do you fellows sell?

- Dictionaries. - Dictionaries.

Yeah. Door to door.

Hey, what do you say, we play a couple of games?

- Maybe 20 bucks a game? - Oh, no.

No, you're not gonna bowl drunk again.

But I insist.

What do you want to risk? You have everything going for you.

You're on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.

You've just shattered my record. What do you want to go and lose it for?

This is a Gran Torino looking at you here.

Don't do it, okay?

Let's just have six or seven drinks and go.

Hey, buddy boy.

You looking for a little friendly action,

I just might know somebody to accommodate you.

Speak of the devil, and he appears.

I'm gonna play the jukebox.

- Yes! - Oh, yeah!

God!

God!

- Oh, yeah. - He was robbed and you know it.

Game, set, match, fellas.

Yeah, and I believe you owe us another $100.

Well, we're not getting much mercy here tonight.

Well, you guys got to forgive me.

You see, bowling for money, it's my only vice.

- Here's your drink. - Thanks, sugar.

Okay, two vices.

That's still very good.

All right, let's go.

Thank you for the education, gentlemen.

We've just received a Ph.D. in stupidity. Doctor, shall we?

Give us a chance to win our money back.

Are you crazy?

Padre, how much are you into us for already?

$350.

$350.

That's a landau roof and power steering, down the drain.

It could be in your pocket right now. Let's go.

Double or nothing, I can pick up that spare.

- I can... I think I can do it. - That's the six, seven, ten.

You'll pick up that spare the same day my hair starts falling out.

Come on, let's get out of here.

- I can do this. - For $700? No way.

No. No way. No, not for $700.

What have you got here? 1,500. For $1,500.

Guys, you want some of the "action"' as he calls it?

Come on, you chickenshits. I'm good for the money.

Put up my share.

Now, Mr. Big Shot.

Mr. I-wear-my-pants-high

and-I-pick-up-every-spare drunk-or-sober.

Come on, guys.

All right, we'll take that bet.

Fine, my friend, my so-called friend.

Take your silly little ball and make your silly little spare,

or miss it!

Come on, boy. Bowl!

The name's not boy.

It's Roy.

Roy Munson.

How did he do that?

What did I tell you? What did I tell you? What did I tell you?

This feels weird. Are you sure this is legal?

I don't know. It's fun, though, isn't it?

What do you have sugar for, Mr. McCracken?

Didn't I tell you to call me Ernie or Big Ern?

It's for my morning coffee.

Get out of the car, wise guy!

What do we do?

Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.

Come on. There you are. Let's go.

And that bowler is you, Roy.

You're in deep shit, kid!

Look, look, I don't know what I'm doing here.

Let me see that hand.

Yeah, I thought I recognized that name.

- Father, please do something. - Oh, yeah.

I'm a priest like you're a dictionary salesman,

you piece of shit. Come on, get him inside.

Come on. No, don't do this.

No!

No!

What are you doing?

I'll pay you back, I swear to God. I swear.

- Get him up there. - No, no, no!

No!

No!

- No! - Do it!

No!

God! No!

No!

- Do it. - No!

Hey, Herb, how's life?

Taking forever.

Morning, Mike.

Roy, can you get sick drinking piss?

I think you can.

Even if it's your own?

Hey, Captain Hook, wait up.

Hey!

I want that rent by tomorrow, or you are out of here!

Okay, I got you down for a 50-gallon drum of lane oil

and a case of bowler's tape...

Every week I tell you the same thing,

we don't need nothing.

What about a gross of fluorescent condoms

for the novelty machine in the men's room?

I mean, those are fun even when you're alone.

- Yeah. - You get it?

- Yeah. - This is like the hula-hoop of the '90s.

- People go nuts... - No!

Look, we don't even have a novelty machine

in the men's room anymore.

And you call this a bowling alley?

You stroke a hell of a ball,

but I bet when you're off, you leave a lot of buckets.

Excuse me.

Buckets, three, five, six and nine.

It's from coming in too light in the pocket

and sending the head pin around the three.

You could tell all that from just seeing me throw one strike?

I didn't see it. I heard it.

Try moving a couple of boards to the left.

Would you look at that?

Sweeter than Yoo-hoo.

How come you know so much about bowling?

Well, maybe this'll help explain it to you.

Oh, wow. That's really something.

- What's that made out of? -14-karat gold.

Really? Looks like rubber.

No, the ring, not the hand.

Wow, state champion.

- You the state champion? - Was. Iowa, '79.

Name's Roy Munson.

Ishmael Boorg.

You know, you've got as powerful a stroke as I've ever seen, Ishmael.

You could lose a little off the backswing, but you're not bad.

- What's your average? - I don't know. 265,270.

Well, I got to go.

- Bye. - Whoa. Hey, easy does it.

What's your hurry? We're just getting acquainted.

You're wasting your time, Munson. He's from way out in Brimfield.

So?

Brimfield's an Amish community.

- He's Amish? - No fooling you.

Hey!

Hey, wait up. I want to talk to you for a second.

About what?

You got something special.

With your talent and my knowledge, you could be a champion.

I mean that.

And I know talent because I manage bowlers.

Bowling manager?

Why would a bowler need a manager?

"Why would a bowler need a manager?"

Well, don't you need a coach,

a friend, a brother,

someone who's gonna stick by your side through thick and thin,

someone who will be a loyal friend,

and never, ever, ever turn on you, no matter what?

I'm sorry, sir, but I'm just not interested.

I hope you rot in hell, you loser!

You suck!

You don't deserve a car!

- Come on, little fella. - Thanks.

- Absolutely precious. - Yeah.

That will come out.

Treasure these special times.

Look at you.

Did you burn your little fingers?

- Adorable. - Thanks.

Get away from me you rat!

- Give me the pocketbook, lady. - No.

- Give me it. - No.

- Hey! - Give me it!

Okay.

Give it back. What are you, a sissy? You need a purse?

I'll slice your throat.

Shit!

You burned me, you bastard.

Go ahead, you chickenshit. Run home to mommy.

Pussy!

Here you go.

You okay?

I'm fine.

I am fine.

That was a very brave thing that you did, Munson.

You are a hero,

a genuine hero.

I'm no hero. I don't even know what happened.

Nine out of 10 times, I'd be running in the other direction.

You know, about the rent...

No, no, no, don't you worry about that, Roy.

You pay me the money whenever you get it,

'cause I know you are good for it.

- Thank you. - You're welcome. You thank you.

What 50? We said 25.

I think I deserve a little extra

after getting third-degree burns on my pupils.

Hey, look, I didn't know you were gonna use a knife.

I'm just trying to buy a little extra time. I don't want to give her a coronary.

I had to make it look real, didn't I?

Look, besides, that coffee wasn't even hot.

- Now that's hot. - Where's your newspaper?

- I got to take a dump. - I don't have a paper.

- I got to crap. I need something to read. - Here, use this shampoo.

"New and improved." I read this already.

You got any of that new Mentadent?

Roy, I know how you like to drink, so I brought you some...

Why, you no good son of a bitch!

You crazy bastard! Well, how the hell did you get in here?

- Now get out! - That'll be 100 now, you prick!

And don't come back!

- Munson! - Some people never learn. I...

You are history!

I am calling the cops!

Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. Hey.

Now, calm down. Calm down. Calm down.

You have every right to be angry, okay?

Just take a deep breath.

No.

There's got to be some way I can work this off.

- Some way I can make it up to you. - No, no, no, no, no! No!

Well...

Stop it, you. It wasn't that bad.

My little Roy-toy.

What is it about good sex that makes me have to crap?

You really jarred something loose, tiger.

Oh, boy.

I got two bits of advice for you, Munson.

Number one, why don't you forget about this bowling business

and get yourself a real job?

Number two, you still owe me another month's rent.

Top of the morning to you. I'm Hezakiah Munson.

I'm passing through on my way to Ohio.

Any shingling or butter churning need doing?

Lucas, you know better than that.

We're waiting on your brother to come in from the fields.

How many children do you have, Brother Hezakiah?

None that I know of.

What I mean to say is I was...

We... I'm unable to have children.

Nasty cheese grating accident as a young man.

Why are you late this time, Ishmael?

Sorry, Pa. I was out in the cornfield, and the stalks were broken,

and so I thought I could fix it.

Hi, Grandma.

Ishmael, please meet our friend from Ohio, Brother Hezakiah.

Hello, Ishmael.

Why did you come here?

We didn't get a chance to finish talking.

You're only gonna make trouble for me.

Have a seat.

Look, my grandfather took me bowling when I was a kid.

It was our secret.

If anyone around here found out that I went down to that bowling alley,

I don't know what would happen.

Ishmael, there's a tournament in Reno, Nevada in a few weeks.

The best bowlers in the country are gonna be there.

With my help, I think you can beat them. You hear me?

First prize is $1 million.

We split everything right down the middle.

No, sir. I think it's best that you go.

By tomorrow, they'll surely find out that you're a fraud.

We Amish, we demand more of ourselves.

You people work 8-hour days. We work 12.

We do whatever you people do plus a half. That's how we survive.

Believe me, keeping up is not gonna be a problem.

Pa, his bed's made, but he isn't in there.

He must've left.

Guess Brother Hezakiah was afraid of getting his fingers dirty.

Morning! I hope you don't mind.

I got up a little early, so I took the liberty of milking your cow for you.

Yeah, it took a little while to get her warmed up.

She sure is a stubborn one.

We don't have a cow.

We have a bull.

I'll brush my teeth.

Ishmael, you take Lucas down with the other children.

Keep an eye on them for us, please.

Brother Hezakiah, you come with us.

The children? But I wanted to help with the barn.

You can help after lunch. Go ahead.

Grab your tools. Follow me.

I don't know how a barn-raising's done in Ohio,

but here in Pennsylvania,

no one runs for the dinner bell

in the middle of lifting a 2,000 pound wall!

Okay, all right. I mean...

Brother Thomas, you know what it says in the Bible

about not forgiving people.

Why don't you tell us all what it says, Brother Hezakiah?

Well, it's against it.

Yeah, sure, Thomas can raise a barn, but can he pick up a 7-10 split?

God blessed my brother to be a good carpenter. It's okay.

Yeah, well, he blessed you, too, and I'll give you a clue what it is.

It's round, it has three holes, and you stick your fingers into it.

You leave Rebecca out of this, mister!

I'm talking about bowling, your future.

Well, just drop it, Mr. Munson.

Right now, the only future I have is re-shoeing Buttercup.

Holy cow.

Yeah, this is Buttercup.

Biggest, strongest horse in the county.

Ishmael, like a word with you.

Okay, Pa.

Brother Hezakiah, take the horse's shoes off.

Ishmael will be right back.

Don't be angry with your brother, Thomas.

He's been under a lot of pressure dealing with those bankers.

Is everything okay, Pa?

No, Son.

The community's in trouble.

They've threatened to foreclose on the land.

Is there anything I can do?

Not unless you can figure out a way to come up with a half million dollars.

Well, there's a storm on the horizon.

I guess the angels are bowling.

Maybe they're gonna bring us a messenger.

It took some doing, but I finally got them off.

Where do you keep the new shoes?

What, I got a...

I got a booger hanging? Huh?

Tell my parents that God spoke to me to go on a mission with Brother Munson.

If the good Lord sees fit,

I'll be back with enough money to save the land.

Ishmael, promise me

that you'll be careful when you're out among the English.

Do not allow yourself to be corrupted.

Don't worry, Miss Rebecca, your goodness gives me strength.

Nothing can make me stray.

Buckle up, my friend.

You're about to embark on a great adventure.

- Smoke? - No, thanks.

You really should try to quit, Mr. Munson.

They say it's bad for your heart, your lungs,

quickens the aging process.

Is that right? Who's done more research on the subject

than the good people at the American tobacco industry?

They say it's harmless. Why would they lie?

If you're dead, you can't smoke.

You get warmed up. I'll grab us a couple coffees.

I don't drink coffee.

- Why not? - Because it's a stimulant.

What the hell do you think cigarettes are?

They are?

All right. Make it extra-large, two sugars, lots of cream.

Lots of cream.

Mr. Munson, you all right?

Ish, what happened in there?

Well, I don't know. I thought I played pretty good.

You know, he's just a little better than me, that's all.

Pretty good, huh? 186.

You lost to a club player!

What... That's not supposed to happen! You're carrying a 270 average!

Well, what do you expect? I mean, you guys with your 10 frames.

What do you mean "you guys with your 10 frames"?

My grandpa always taught me to bowl 15 frames.

It's like I told you before,

we Amish, we do everything half again as hard as you do.

Ten frames?

That's for Quakers.

I ain't going home.

Look, there's no way you'd stand a chance against those guys.

But you said I was the best prospect you'd ever seen.

You said you could make me a champion.

I've been liquored up for 17 years. My judgment's not what it once was.

Pull the car over. I want to get out here.

- I'll drive you home. - I don't want to go home!

I want to go to Reno!

Now, pull the car over and let me out of here!

You know, this is silly.

You've only been gone a couple of days. They'll forgive you.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, Mr. Munson. They'll probably forgive me.

They expect me to come home with my tail between my legs,

but I won't do it.

I'd sooner get munsoned out here in the middle of nowhere

than lose face in front of my friends and family again.

What'd you just say?

I said I don't want to lose face in front of my friends and family.

No, before that.

I said I'd sooner get munsoned out here in the middle of nowhere.

"Munsoned"?

- What the hell is that? - You know, munsoned.

To be up a creek without a paddle.

To have the whole world in the palm of your hand

and then blow it, you know. It's a figure of speech.

"Munsoned."

Congratulations, my friend. You passed the test.

A true champion doesn't quit, and neither did you.

- You mean, you were just testing me? - A little Roy 101.

You were just testing me.

Mr. Munson.

Whoa!

Come on, hop in.

I got to watch you.

So, I did good, huh?

You did great, but school's just beginning.

I'm telling you, a bowler's two worst enemies

are his eyes and his ears.

You shut these, you close those, and you just feel it.

Hey. Hey, coach, listen to this.

"English bulldog, one testicle, $500."

Wow. For that kind of money, you think you'd get two testicles.

Don't you think?

How the hell should I know, Ishmael?

I'm tired of all your questions.

I'm not here to teach you everything about everything in the world.

I'm here to teach you about bowling, and that's it.

Okay, okay, keep your shirt on.

I mean, I can figure some things out for myself.

Wait a minute. Hold it. I'm gonna bet?

Yeah, well, if we're gonna make enough dough to get to Reno,

we're gonna bet. Yeah.

Ish, you can't have it both ways.

If you want to earn half a million dollars and save that small town of yours,

you're gonna have to bend the rules a little.

No way. There's no way I can bet.

It's against my religion.

I was raised to not be a gambler, and there's no way I'm gonna bet.

- Hey. Hey! Ish. Ish! - No. No!

- Hey! - No way.

Listen, you stupid banana head.

You don't have to bet! I'll bet for you.

That's cool.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen, huh?

So, you two are dictionary salesmen.

You would be punctilious in assuming that.

Yeah, your buddy tells me you're the best salesman

in the whole company.

You must be a pretty smooth talker.

Yeah. Yep.

You don't have to read them to sell them, you know.

So, Steve, what do you say we bowl a couple games?

Steve?

Yo, Steve-arino.

Right.

Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, hey?

But I'll lose my entire bonus check 'cause I'm so bombed.

You get that way when you drink ginger ale?

Oh, no. He was sniffing glue in the parking lot.

I haven't heard this one in a while.

How does the rest of this hustle work?

Nice going, De Niro.

It's Steve.

What, you want to blow the whole thing?

Look, if you guys want a straight-up money game,

you show up at this address tonight.

At midnight.

And bring some money.

Wow. Look at that.

Are you all right, sir?

Yeah, I'm fine. Just make sure you win.

We can't lose.

It's the centurion's faith that wins him divine favor.

Got you!

Okay, park the shitbox and come with me. Come on.

He seems like a real cutup, huh?

You know, Stanley,

I don't necessarily feel like we need to play for money, you know.

Why don't we just play for fun?

- Every once in a while... - Cut the bullshit, Munson.

I know you're a hustler. Now, can your kid play or not?

He can play.

Fine.

Then it's $1,000 a game.

Claudia, why don't you show us the way to the bowling alley?

Isn't she the most incredible woman you've ever seen?

She's hot.

And those babies are real.

Twice.

What's so funny?

I didn't want to be the one to tell him, but with those narrow hips,

that girl couldn't have more than six or seven children.

An open frame in the tenth. I was robbed, god damn it!

He's got a 228. You need three strikes, Ish.

Okay, stay focused.

Snap it. Pull. Pull that string. All right.

Hey, Munson, now it's getting interesting, huh?

Bottom of the ninth. Two-minute warning. Last frame.

There's no question farmer boy's a fine bowler,

but competing under pressure?

One more, Ish. One more.

Boy, it's hot in here. I need something to cool down.

I'm sorry. Where are my manners?

Does anyone else want one?

Yeah, I'll take a couple jugs... Mugs.

Bottle. One... One bottle.

Don't trouble yourself, ma'am. I'll get that.

- What kind do you want, Mr. Munson? - Whatever.

Here you go, sir.

- Come on, buddy, bowl. - I'm kind of nippy.

Yes!

What can I say?

Good game. My hat's off to you.

The great Stanley got beaten by the farm boy on his own track.

Could I have a word with you in the other room, dear?

Don't ever pull that shit with me!

What do you mean? I wasn't doing anything.

What's wrong with you?

Anyway, I owe you guys a little bit of money.

Let's play another game.

Oh, no. Not tonight.

We got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow, and it's a school night, so...

- What the hell is that? - What?

This.

One hundred-dollar bill wrapped in Monopoly money.

You look like you want to hit me.

We don't raise our hands in anger against others.

Well, we do!

Unbelievable!

You disgrace my home,

dishonor the game by betting with money you don't even have!

You piece of garbage!

I want you to take them out back,

and I want you to make his left hand look just like his right hand!

- Mr. Munson... - What the hell?

- Get them! Don't let them get out! - I got them!

- Hit the lights! - I got the punk!

Where's the door?

You bald bastard, I'll gouge your eyes out!

You son of a... Oh, shit!

- Give me the keys. - Why?

Give me the goddamn keys.

Hey, nobody drives my car.

- Come on, Mr. Munson. - Wait, wait, wait.

Come on, Mr. Munson.

Shit! Look at this.

Hey, hey. Slow down, all right? You're gonna get us all killed.

Shit!

Shit! Shit!

I don't know why I did this.

I don't know where I'm going.

I don't have a clue what I'm gonna do when I get there.

Why couldn't this have worked out?

He hit me, the bastard, and hitting I don't take!

Look, just calm down, all right? Take it easy. Calm.

Just like the kid back there. Look how...

Ish.

Ish?

Pull it over. Pull it over.

Ishmael always was a strange boy, but he means well, and we love him.

Please bring him back home.

I will, Father.

I promise you, I will not return without him.

I walked past them all just like I say

And I felt this hurt that would not go home

I can't expect you all to see this my way

But you might not remember the trees that I'd known

And I want them to bring back my old corner store

Damn this hand!

Where do you get something like that?

Prosthetics-R-Us, aisle 6. Right next to the glass eyeballs.

Must be tough when you're spanking your monkey.

You have a monkey?

Hey, handsome, how about a dance?

Yeah, well, thank you, young lovely,

but to tell you the truth I'm a little bit worn out.

I wasn't asking you.

She said handsome, not handless.

So, how about it?

Dance? I don't know how to dance.

Well, it's about time you learned.

When there's things to do and not because you gotta

When you run for love not because you ought to

Listen.

We appreciate your help with your boyfriend and everything.

- But... - You look. I did it for the kid.

A cheap hustler like you,

I couldn't have cared if they put a bullet in your head.

You care about the kid, huh?

Well, I got a newsflash for you, Mother Teresa.

Just because you spend most of your time in the missionary position

doesn't make you a missionary.

- This is gonna work out fine. - What?

Well, it's better that we don't like each other,

since we're gonna be business partners.

You know, checks and balances.

- Business partners? - Yeah.

That's precious.

Look, I saw your phony roll.

You don't have enough money to get to Reno.

Why don't you just eat your chili fries

and drink your shake and go blow lunch,

or do whatever it is you do to keep that ass of yours in business?

Look, Mr. Munster,

you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across.

Oh, yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

So, this is rock 'n' roll.

I like it.

God.

- It's my boyfriend, Skidmark. - I'd like to meet him.

I don't think you want to meet him.

Hi, Mr. Skidmark.

Look, your act is about as fresh as a Foghat concert.

It really bites, Roy.

You don't have to worry about us.

I know a little something about this racket.

I learned it the hard way.

Yeah, well, I've got stake money. 500 bucks.

And I'll tell you something else.

Ishmael likes me.

I promise you, you're not his type.

I'm his type. I'm every guy's type.

You trying to pick up my woman?

Hey, you crazy or something?

Hey! Come here!

- Get him, Skid. - She was just teaching me to dance.

I didn't know how to dance, and... You want to dance?

What are you trying to say? You want me to dance?

Well, no. No, not if you don't want to. I mean, I just...

I can't believe you're in here trying to move in on my squirrel.

I ought to stoot slap your ass right now!

We're gonna drill you another asshole, shithead!

You want to kiss somebody, Goldilocks? Kiss these!

Take that, you freaky piece of shit!

- You don't mow another guy's lawn! - All right! All right!

That was really heroic, Munson.

Hey, I did Ish a favor.

If I hadn't knocked him out, those animals would've torn him apart.

That's the thanks I get?

You didn't have to have beers with them afterwards.

Well, I didn't want them to think that we were in cahoots.

Well, I think you cleared that up when you rubbed Tabasco in his eyes.

Could you move that seat up so I can stretch my feet out?

Thanks, Miss Claudia.

Here.

I had them wrap up your food 'cause this'll probably be your last meal.

Seeing as you don't have any more money.

You're the greatest, Miss Claudia.

Ishmael, I just had a thought. I...

Seeing as how Claudia has been so kind to us,

I thought maybe she could join us till she gets back on her feet.

Yeah?

Mr. Munson, if I could see you, I'd kiss you.

Isn't he the best? I mean, you're the best, Mr. Munson.

- What you doing there, Mr. Munson? - Flossing.

Flossing?

Where did I get "munson" from?

The name's Munson. What I'm doing is flossing.

This is called floss. It cleans your teeth.

You ought to try it sometime. You'd be amazed what you'd find.

I guess I don't know much about life outside of Brimfield.

I was never in a car before.

I never stayed in a fancy hotel before.

Never saw a man pick his nose with a hook before.

When I stop and think about it all, it can get pretty scary.

Mr. Munson!

It's an emergency. We got to get the hell out of here.

- But what are we gonna... - No if, ands or buts.

- You just get moving. - I'll go get Miss Claudia.

No. Don't get Claudia. I'll explain it all later.

- Just be quiet. - Okay.

I think I tore my sack.

- Are you okay, Mr. Munson? - What did I just say?

-"I think I tore my sack"? - No! "Be quiet!"

Okay.

- The Army evacuated everybody. - Evacuated?

Yeah. A big military train derailed,

and this whole area is in danger of being contaminated

by a huge cloud of... Shit!

A huge cloud of shit? Wow!

God! I think I smell it! Come on, let's go!

Come on, Mr. Munson. Miss Claudia.

Roy, could we go have a little chat?

- Surely. - Great.

Hey, everybody, there's a shit cloud coming!

Run for your lives!

$60-a-night motel room, and you're sleeping in the car?

That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah. Don't I feel like a fool?

I know what you're thinking, all right? So just let me explain here.

Mommy.

You must have a really wide foot. You got both of them.

I can't believe you were gonna ditch out and go to Reno without me!

I thought we were partners!

Hey! Spare me the indignant routine, all right?

You've been rubbing your tits in that kid's face

from the moment we hooked up, so that you could steal him from me.

- What? - Don't give me that "what" crap.

Half the dresses you got, you need two hairdos to wear.

Admit it! You've been planning on taking him from me and leaving me flat.

I just beat you to the punch.

How dare you accuse me of anything?

Ish worships you, and all you've done is feed him a load of bullshit

so you can line your own pockets!

Come on. Right now. You and me, bud.

What? Hey, look. Listen, lady,

I've done a lot of creepy things in my life,

but I'm not gonna lower myself into having a fistfight with a girl.

Stop that!

Ishmael! Where is he?

- Ishmael! - Great.

"I thought you were my friends. Good-bye, Ishmael."

I hope Ishmael has enough street smarts

to get to Reno by himself.

Poor guy.

He's like a baby out there.

I hope he doesn't get munsoned out in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, shit!

You know, I didn't realize it, but we're near where I grew up.

What time are the tours to your boyhood home?

Yeah.

You know, it's been 17 years since I showed my face around here.

How do I look?

You look good, Roy.

Real sharp.

All right.

You okay?

It's just not what I expected.

What's taken you so long to come back, Roy?

Guess I was ashamed, you know.

Everybody expected so much from me.

Everyone believed in me.

At least my dad did.

He gave me this when I left.

I never could get the damn thing running.

It's funny. It's like time stopped for me when I left this town.

Yeah, he taught me a lot out here.

Got word he died about 10 years ago.

Didn't even have the nerve to come back for the funeral.

Well, your old man would be proud.

I mean, here you are, passing all that bowling knowledge on to Ishmael.

No, he wouldn't be proud.

Let's go find that kid.

What do you think about new beginnings?

What is that, the feminine hygiene spray?

You and me, starting over.

Yeah.

I'd like that.

- Longish hair. - Weird guy.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Down that way.

Uncle Willee's Snake Farm.

Yeah, he was here.

I offered him a job, a good job.

You think that guy took it?

He didn't take it. The wimp is afraid of snakes.

You son of a bitch. You're going in my stew.

Thank you.

Take it off, girl!

Hi. You seen a big Amish guy come through here?

Fortyish, stocky.

- Sort of friendly. - Kind of stupid?

Well, naive.

Feast your eyes.

Get in! Come on! Get a move on!

Hey! Nobody quits in the middle of a show!

Sons of bitches!

Ish, I don't understand how you can still be mad at us.

We just saved your butt.

I heard what you were saying about me, about each other.

I thought we were partners, but I guess I was wrong.

Ish, it's tough out there, all right?

I mean, the world can kick your ass.

I only have a vague recollection of when it wasn't kicking mine.

I guess that's why Claudia and I were fighting.

We both had a rotten run of it for a while, and I don't know, you...

You get hurt over and over again,

you stop trusting people so you don't get hurt again.

Look, Ish, if you really want to call an end to this,

we'll drop you off wherever you want.

But if you want to go on,

from here on out,

we're all gonna work together as a team.

And no more bullshitting.

I promise.

Ish, you remember what it says in the Bible about not forgiving, right?

I know exactly what it says.

It's against it.

Right?

"Jeffersons On Ice!" Look at that! I love Sherman Hemsley!

- What's this? - What?

- What is that? - It's a tattoo. Relax.

Tattoo!

How could you let me do this, Roy? How could you?

I don't know. I don't remember a thing. The whole night's a blur to me, all right?

I've committed a sin.

I've desecrated my body.

Can't go home now. No, can't go home!

It'll come right off. They'll just burn it off in a jiffy.

Hey, this isn't so bad.

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

You are gonna give me $100,000 on the line

and a $50,000-yell, okay?

Hey, top heavy. Bring me a Tiparillo and a sake and seltzer, s'il vous plaît.

Okay, here we go.

Come on, do it to me!

- Yeah. Right. - Overshot...

Overshot. All right. No, it is. It's okay.

It's okay because I am going to bet $800,000

on the line. Okay?

Here we go.

Hey, doll face. How about bringing me a little lady luck, huh?

- Sure thing. - No, not you.

It's a winner!

Go, Ish.

Well, that's something.

All right!

Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

Two number 64s

and a 41.

You know, their 64 is supposed to be the best in the city.

Yeah? That 41 doesn't look bad.

You can go to the potato bar whenever you're ready.

So, which opponent poses the biggest threat to you in the tournament?

Me. If I get drunk, and fall down and hurt myself, I might lose.

Sure, babe.

- What's your name? - Darlene.

I'm in 1103.

Excuse me. What's the story behind this pending paternity suit against you?

Excuse me. What's the story behind this pending paternity suit against you?

That's not a case at all. The woman's a stone-faced liar.

Let's not even talk about that.

I pulled out of her really early on that one.

Sorry. Thanks for coming.

Hey!

The Munson!

Big Ern.

Long time.

I'll say. Probably a year for every topping on the table.

I heard a horrible rumor.

Creepy!

I'm sorry.

You know, for the first couple years,

I felt responsible.

How you been otherwise?

You know, in the last 17 years, a day hasn't gone by

that I haven't thought about what I'd say to you if I ever ran into you again.

I bet. Hello.

Oh, my God. Claudia?

You two know each other?

It's a small world when you've got unbelievable tits, Roy.

Baby, we had some good times in Chicago.

I remember. I know you haven't forgotten.

- Him and you? - Why didn't you quit slumming?

The two of you together?

Come back to me. Let's try to make it work.

Let's try, really try. How about it?

I'd rather mop the floors at a peepshow.

Girl, you still got your great stuff.

Why don't you get the hell out of here? You ruined my life!

Are you still holding on to all the anger? I said I was sorry. I meant it.

Hey.

I remember that night, too, and I don't remember anybody twisting your arm.

Oh, God! I just said "twisting your arm" to Munson!

I can't wait to tell people. Hey!

Don't do it, Mr. Munson. He's just trying to lower you to his level.

Let me give you some advice.

Stay away from this guy, huh? Give him a wide berth.

He's what is called a born loser, a real Munson.

- You... - Hey!

- Hey! - You just shut up, mister!

I don't know who the heck you think you are,

but if you don't wiggle those childbearing hips

out that door in five seconds,

you're gonna find your nose sniffing my big Amish ass!

Claudia, I'm in 1103.

Thanks, Ish. You okay?

Ish?

Listen, I'm gonna go after him and talk to him.

Boo.

Stan!

You shouldn't have quit me, baby.

Yeah? Well, you shouldn't have hit me.

You think that hurt?

You wait and see what I do to your two friends.

Look, we both made mistakes.

I've got 42 grand right there. We can just take off right now.

I mean, those guys are bugging me anyway.

I want to see those guys one more time.

They're not worth it. They're a couple of losers.

Now, come on. We can just take off right now.

I missed you.

Ish, you okay?

You're not taking a crap in the sink, are you?

It's over, Mr. Munson. It's broken.

No.

I think it's just sprained.

Okay, it's broke. It's broke.

Excuse me. Where's the lady who's staying here?

- She checked out already. - She left with a couple of guys.

Couple of guys? No. You mean you saw her with us, right?

No, these guys were good-looking.

- You got the bag, right? - Bag?

The bag. The bag. Tell me you got the bag.

- Oh, yeah. - You got the bag?

Yeah. Okay, relax. The bag, yeah. The bag's fine.

I gave it to Miss Claudia to hold.

Who you calling a psycho?

I didn't say anything to you.

Are you okay, Mr. Munson?

Hi. How are you?

Remember me?

Yeah, from the crap table.

That's right, from the crap table.

And you're the big guy with the lucky dice, aren't you?

Jeez.

Boy, the two of you kind of look a little...

- Well, a little down on your luck, huh? - If you only knew.

Jeez, that's tough.

Look at George and Weezy go.

What did that fat-ass Lionel do with my lottery ticket?

Well, look, I've got a little proposition for you.

I'm all ears.

I will pay you $1 million to sleep with your friend here.

$1 million. One night. Cash.

Just throw that out.

You two mull it over, get back to me. I'll be back here.

What's there to mull over?

I mean, are you gonna set that creep straight or should I?

I'll handle this.

Yeah?

I said, are you all right, Mr. Munson?

I wish I'd have never trusted her. What was I thinking?

42 grand down the drain.

She'll be back.

You're never gonna see her again, all right?

Well, I happen to think you're wrong, Mr. Munson.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

The money we came here to win is right here in Reno,

at a legitimate sporting contest

where the best player wins because he's the best player,

and we have the best player.

Okay, I'm listening.

We are going to do what we set out to do.

We're gonna win that tournament.

Yes! I knew it.

I knew you were a champion the minute I saw you bowl, Ish.

I'm not gonna bowl.

You are.

You are such a loser. You're a bona fide schmuck.

Look at me.

Mr. Munson, I know you can win that tournament.

You're a champion, and that never goes away.

I'm sure that if you made it through the first few rounds,

you'd find your touch again.

I'm Ernie McCracken.

When I found out little Billy here was growing up without a daddy,

I had to do something.

When Big Ern saw our picture in the paper,

he called the Unified Fund and got involved.

I had to.

I couldn't help myself

But little Billy's not the only one.

There's also little Jason here.

Once again this year, I'll be sponsoring a fatherless family

in every city I bowl in.

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning,

Mr. McCracken's already there.

Jonathan, run a fly pattern all the way to the goal line.

Tennessee.

Kentucky.

Fonda Beach!

Deeper, Jonathan.

It's a tough world.

These kids nearly got munsoned, but they're back now.

Through the Unified Fund, I found out that if you give a little,

you can get back a whole lot more.

Hey! Give me that. What are you doing?

Well, it's a young crowd. I don't recognize a single soul.

Ishmael, welcome to my church.

Wow.

It's kind of intimidating to be in the presence of so many great athletes.

Hi. What's your name?

Munson, Roy E.

- Seriously. - Munson, Roy E.

Amateur or professional?

Professional.

We have a problem here.

Your dues are in arrears. You haven't paid them since 1979.

How much is that gonna cost me?

Dues times 16 years,

plus penalties, plus interest equals

$38.

- Well, let's go. That's it. - No, hold on.

Would you be willing to hold on to this till after the tournament?

Come on. What are we gonna do with a rubber hand?

The ring.

Okay.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

The National Bowling Stadium

in conjunction with the Silver Legacy Hotel and Casino

would like to welcome everyone to the $1 million, winner-take-all

Brunswick-Reno Open!

Please enjoy your stay here at our fabulous facility, and remember,

the Silver Legacy is still the talk of the Strip

with our 22-topping potato bar.

Let's start the tournament.

I can't.

That's the way, Mr. Munson!

All right! Yeah!

You wouldn't happen to have a Phillips-head screwdriver, would you?

No.

Never mind.

All right, Mr. Munson.

So, Roy, let me ask you. What have you been doing all these years?

Well, the...

After the hand, I...

No, there was the 80s...

For awhile, I...

Drinking.

A lot of drinking.

Are you still drinking?

No, no. I don't. That's behind me now.

Why, are you buying?

We have a Cinderella story shaping up here.

Roy Munson, the 1979 Iowa state amateur champion,

has suddenly come out of nowhere with his bowling ball.

He is a major contender in this competition.

...as the early favorite for Coach of the Year honors.

And now, we're going live to the National Bowling Stadium

in the biggest little city in the world, Reno, Nevada,

where ESPN is set to bring you final-round coverage

of the $1 million, winner-take-all Silver Legacy Reno Open.

What an incredible championship match we have in store for you today.

Ernie McCracken, a crafty veteran, and, you know, a heck of a nice guy,

goes against Roy Munson, a promising young talent in the 1970s.

- What you doing in there, Mr. Munson? - Barfing.

Please rise for the national anthem.

Oh, say can you see

By the dawn's early light

Have you been drinking again?

I don't puke when I drink.

I puke when I don't.

I'm scared, Ish.

Let's get ready to bowl!

And here they come, our two finalists.

Roy Munson has one of the most intimidating hooks in all of bowling,

quite literally, Chris. In fact, the fans here in Reno

have started calling him "The Rubber Man, "

because he bowls with a rubber prosthetic hand.

And take a look at that focus on Roy's face.

He is ready for this match.

A nasty spill.

That's kind of embarrassing, in front of an audience like this.

Look at Ernie McCracken.

A guy like Big Ern, with his panache and style,

has clearly done for bowling what Muhammad Ali did for boxing.

Wow. Take a look at that.

Have you, in 34 years of covering bowling, Chris,

ever seen a ball like that?

- What is that, a rose? - It appears to be. Clearly custom-made.

Ernie's got a heart of gold, but what an intimidator.

Go, Big Ern!

You know, he goes to his spot. On the approach.

Ernie McCracken.

How about one more title, sweetness?

Look at that form.

That left arm way out is an unusual style.

- Wow. Right off the bat. - Beautiful. What a hit!

He delivers on the goods. Look at him pump up this crowd.

Roy looks a little nervous, a little unsettled.

It is his first final in nearly 20 years.

The Rubber Man takes the ball from his good left hand,

and then notice how carefully he places it in the prosthetic hand.

You have no idea the pressure this...

- Time out! Time out! - Look at that.

Give me that handsome cheek.

- Wait, let me get Ernie, too. - Give us a break.

Look. Look at Big Ern, Chris. Look at Big Ern.

Calls her back.

How gallant is that?

This man's gonna win a lot of political offices when his career's over.

A great role model for America's kids.

Attaboy, Luther!

Yes, a solid pocket hit.

Munson answers right back in Big Ern's face.

Hey, sport, Coca-Cola.

You betcha.

I got to make a phone call.

Could you put on ESPN, please?

Sure thing.

Come on, Roy.

Yes.

Nice action.

This $1 million, winner-take-all championship match

has reached the tenth frame.

Leading by nine pins, Roy Munson, shooting first on the right lane.

A strike here provides some breathing room.

The dreaded 7-10 split.

You know, Roy Munson has two chances

to win this tournament now,

slim and none, and slim may have just left town.

How true.

You know, in bowling, there are 1,022 spare leaves,

and this, the 7-10, is by far the most difficult.

Virtually impossible to convert.

There's no way you could slide the 10 pin into the 7 or vice versa.

You're the man, Roy!

Please. I can't look. I can't look.

Thomas, what are you doing here?

- Ishmael, it's time to go home. - I can't go home now.

This is the tenth frame, and if he makes this,

he's gonna win $1 million, and we can save the farm,

and I have a half a beer left, and there's no way I'm going home.

Over my dead body.

It's time to go home now.

Okay.

Rubber Man! Rubber Man!

Rubber Man! Rubber Man!

Rubber Man! Rubber Man!

Rubber Man! Rubber Man!

Yeah!

Oh, my God! He has done it! He has done it!

Now, if Roy can pick up one final strike,

he'll force Big Ern to roll three consecutive strikes

in order to win this match.

With that spare, he's not slammed the door on Big Ern,

but he's put on quite a lot of pressure.

Where'd he go?

Yes.

The Rubber Man has gotten it done,

and now the pressure is squarely on Big Ern McCracken.

Trailing by 29 pins,

he needs three consecutive strikes to win it all.

I need you now. More than ever, I need you.

Ernie, you're the man!

One strike down. Two to go.

You can cut this pressure with a knife, Chris.

That's two. There's two. His second.

Roy Munson now is forced to sit and watch.

It has come down to this.

One ball.

One strike.

$1 million.

And the loser gets nothing.

I'm the greatest.

I'm the greatest.

I'm Big Ern. I'm the greatest.

A one-pin victory for Ernie McCracken.

I'm Big Ern!

Put it in the record books, 226 to 225.

Some lucky fan has a souvenir.

Big Ern, $1 million.

What are you gonna do with it?

I don't know.

All I know is I finally got enough money.

I can buy my way out of anything.

I can do anything I want. Now I can get myself a lawyer.

And I'll walk!

Finally, Big Ern is above the law!

It's a great feeling.

You were so cool. Any pressure?

Where are those girls? Get those girls over here.

Yeah, there was pressure.

I didn't want to get beat by a guy with a hook, you know.

Does this mean you're against the handicapped?

I don't know. I'm rich. What do I care? Come on!

Tough luck, Mr. Munson.

- Hey, hey. - Hey! You bastard, I'll...

Where the hell is she?

How the hell should I know? I thought she was with you.

- She stole my money! - Yeah, well, welcome to the club.

I checked my phone records at the hotel.

She called that bastard Ernie McCracken 14 times

in the last three days.

Now what the hell is your relationship to him?

All right, stop it! Stop it!

I'll tell you what my relationship is to him.

He's the guy who gave me that.

- Nice. Is that solid gold? - The hand.

- Big Ern is responsible for that? - Yeah.

No, I...

I don't know.

I used to think he was.

Now it's like you and Claudia.

You probably blame McCracken for screwing that up,

but I'll bet it's your own damn fault.

Let's go find McCracken.

Hey! What are you looking at?

Hey! You suck!

Go away! You'll get your rent money tomorrow!

Hey, Roy.

Claudia.

I got the money, Roy.

You left us flat, Claudia.

You dumped us when we needed you the most.

You tricked us.

I...

Look, if I'd stuck with you, Stanley would've hurt you,

and he would've hurt Ishmael.

What happened to McCracken?

I never went with him.

I just made those phone calls to throw Stanley off my scent.

And maybe give Big Ern a little payback.

84 grand.

We can split it three ways.

We only had half that.

Yeah. Well,

we doubled it.

Stanley,

he bet against you.

But I'm ready to start betting on you, Roy.

Yeah, well, too late.

What?

Half a mil?

Trojan condoms. You know, "Rubber Man."

All I have to do is a commercial, show up at a couple of trade shows

and pharmacies, and give a little talk at Vassar College orientation.

- That's great. - Yeah.

It is great. And this is only getting divided one way.

I can't face them.

I wanted to be the hero for once.

I wanted to be the one to save the day.

Brother,

everyone knows you meant well.

Mr. Munson!

Miss Claudia!

What are you two doing here?

I'll tell you what they're doing here.

They came to tell us the truth about your trip.

They tell you everything?

Yes, Roy told us everything.

He told us about the booze,

and the lusting,

the late nights,

the lying,

and the gambling.

And he told us how you got him to quit all that.

How you got Roy to straighten his life out.

And how you got Claudia to quit being so much of the whore that she is.

And Roy also told us how every time he wanted to quit, you wouldn't let him.

How you quoted the scriptures to give him strength.

Yes, Son, he's told us everything.

And we're mighty proud of you.

But what about the bank and the foreclosure?

That's all been taken care of by Brother Roy and Sister Claudia.

They put $500,000 in the bank.

Our troubles are over!

Our troubles are over!

You guys!

I'm gonna have to watch you two.

Miss Claudia, I knew you'd come back.

Thanks, Mr. Munson. Thanks for everything.

Hey, Ish, you know that old centurion's faith thing,

about you saving the Amish people?

Well...

It wasn't...

That was baloney. It wasn't them you were saving. It was me.

You lost me. What?

Come on, Ishmael. Everyone's waiting at the party.

They want to hear all about the missionary work

you did with Brother Munson.

Okay, Miss Rebecca.

- Bye, Miss Claudia. - Bye, Ishmael.

Bye, Ish.

Hey, Roy.

I have something for you.

Wow.

You got it working.

Yeah. I wound it.

There's a winder.

- Well, look at that, a little ladybug. - You should make a wish.

All right.

You know what I wished for?

What?

Bye, Brother Munson. Bye, whore.

Action!

Cut!