Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greek, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

- Horrible Histories presents...

- Behold the pyramids of Giza,

arguably the most famous landmarks in the world.

They have been built by a single family of pharaohs

as ginormous, pointy royal tombs.

The third and final one, built by Pharaoh Menkaure,

has taken thousands of people working in teams decades to build.

Now, that's really been quite a task.

VOICEOVER: - Previously on The Ancient Apprentice,

the two teams chose their names...

- We are the Friends Of Menkaure.

- Right.

- We are the... - Drunkards Of Menkaure!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- No, that's not our name. We have a different name.

- I'm already drawing the hieroglyphics.

- HE BELCHES, HICCUPS

- ..before Pharaoh Menkaure set them appointed tasks.

- Teams, your task is to build me a pyramid

right here in the same location

as my father and my grandfather's pyramids.

For this task, you have about 30 years.

- What?

- It's literally the challenge of a lifetime.

- Off you go. - Let's do this. I'm going to be project manager.

- Did he say 30 years? - Yes.

- Thousands of workers began building...

- Yeah, me and Pharaoh Manchego are getting on brilliantly.

I mean, he sees a lot of me in him, I think.

Um, is it Pharaoh Manchego?

That's a cheese, isn't it?

I called him Pharaoh Manchego.

- ..and tensions flared as the years passed.

- What do you want done with this rock?

- If the Friends Of Menkaure think they can beat us,

they're in de-NILE.

Just give that to me.

Like the river?

THEY SHOUT

I'm building pyramids, OK?

I can't think of a better joke than that.

- Come on, please. We are on a deadline.

We have got 28 years left.

Friends Of Menkaure might be our team name,

but we are not here to make friends.

The other team might as well not bother trying,

because like a pyramid without a roof, it's absolutely pointless.

- Recently, the Drunkards suffered a workplace incident.

- Argh!

- SHOUT ECHOES, THUD!

Ashedou fell in a pit.

That was not on purpose!

- Now, decades later, it's back to the boardroom

to see who will make the final of The Ancient Apprentice.

- You're fired!

Good morning.

- Good morning, Pharaoh Menkaure. - Good morning, Pharaoh Manchego.

- Right, Nadia.

It says here you ordered 100,000 blocks of limestone

for your section.

Why'd you do that when you've only got space for 10,000 blocks?

- OK, can I just say, Pharaoh Menkaure,

I correctly estimated that we would need to order 10,000 blocks,

and 10,000 in hieroglyphs is a finger.

But Amari here got bored

and drew a tadpole, which is 100,000.

So, um, being totally honest, Amari let us down.

- What?!

- Right. I've come to my decision.

Amari, you're fired!

- VOICE BREAKS: Thank you very much for this opportunity, Pharaoh Manchego.

VOICEOVER: - With two apprentices left and years of building still to go,

Pharaoh Menkaure is about to add a big surprise twist...

- Oof!

- HE COUGHS

Ow. Ow. Ugh!

HE GAGS

- ..by dying long before the pyramid can be finished.

- Is this part of the task?

- Well, he's dead. Can we pretend that I wasn't fired, please?

- No. - Absolutely not.

- Next time, in the final -

the remaining apprentices are tasked with removing the pharaoh's organs

and mummifying him.

- So, we stick this up his nose and pull his brains out.

Mm... No.

No, I'm better than this. I quit.

- And so Badru has won the Ancient Apprentice.

- This does not feel like a win.

SQUELCHING

Ew, so gross!

Welcome to one of Britain's best-known landmarks -

Stonehenge in Wiltshire!

Landmarks are famous buildings or places

which people can use to help tell where they are.

I made my own mark on the land earlier...

HE FARTS ..although I'm not sure that counts.

SPLAT! MAN: - Oh, what have I just trod on?!

- Stonehenge is a bit of a mystery.

We don't really know what it was built for,

but it's actually older than the Pyramids of Giza

and was originally made up of

a circle of smaller stones called bluestones

until at some point in history,

someone decided to give the place an upgrade.

- Ah, you must be the architect.

So, what do you think of our magnificent bluestones?

- Well, I mean, personally, I would recommend upgrading

to a much more impressive circle

of these huge stones called sarsen stones.

I got a model here.

- OK, um, I know you're the henge guy and everything,

but that is a lot smaller than the one we've already got.

- Well, right, this is just a model.

- Oh! Oh. - Look, I'll show you.

I got a sample of the sort of sarsen stone we usually use.

All right, bring it in, lads! - Would you look at the size of that?

It is impressively long.

It's still not as high as the ones we've got already.

- Well, yeah, it's on its side.

Just sort of imagine how tall it would look standing up.

- Oh, right!

I'll just tilt my head to the side, then, to get a better idea.

It's tricky, because now the ground's moved too.

- Right. You're the leader, aren't you? - Yeah.

- Point is, a circle of these giant sarsen stones

would tower over the bluestone circle you currently have.

It'll look fantastic.

- Well, it looks pricey.

- I can see you don't like it. Take it back, boys!

- Back? We dug this up, carved it and carried it 20 miles!

- Yeah, I know, sorry.

Customer's always right. - QUIETLY: - Even this one.

- Unbelievable! All right, come on.

That's it. Steady, slow.

- Ah, it's a shame, really.

I mean, it could've been a marvel that stood for thousands of years.

- Wait, you know, I think you might be right.

We want to leave our mark on this land.

We will build this new and improved Stonehenge.

- Bring it back! - Oh, make up your mind!

- Do you definitely want it? - Oh, yeah.

- Cos we're going to be ordering in,

like, another 80 of these enormous stones.

- Oh, 80? - Well, give or take. Yeah.

- LAUGHING: - I don't know! Do they come in any other colours?

- Right, you need to make up your mind,

cos this is not going anywhere.

Ugh! - OOH!

Oh, it's on me foot!

- Right, who's for lunch? - Oh, mind if I join you?

- Hang on. Wait.

- Good luck with that. - Argh!

Can you bring me back a bap?

- BEAR ROARS

- Was that a bear?

- Good evening.

This is your compulsory courtesy call from the army of Emperor Qin.

- Uh-oh. Last time you lot came here,

you took my husband away to work on that great big wall of yours.

- Actually, it's several different great big walls

we're joining together to protect our northern borders.

But fear not, your husband will no longer be involved...

- Oh, well, that's wonderful news!

- ..cos he's dead. - Wha...?!

- Please accept this comforting pat on the head,

completely free of charge.

Head pat delivered.

- I can't believe he's gone.

- Yes, his death was a big blow.

- Do we get compensation? I can't say we don't need the money.

- Do you have any idea how many people died building that thing? - Uh...

- We haven't got the time, money or indeed desire to hand out cash.

- W... What are you doing here, then?

- Well, your husband passed away before the end of his shift.

His work was half finished, and what good is half a wall, madam?

- Well, he can't finish his work, can he? He's dead.

- HE can't, but policy does state that we do need the work completed,

if not by the deceased, then by a member of his household.

- But we've got no children or...

You don't mean me. - Widows are acceptable.

- But I'm grieving!

- Fresh air and exercise are very good for that.

And at least your husband made it to the wall.

It's a long, hard journey, and a lot of people die on the way.

- Are you saying I might not even survive the journey?

- Not with that attitude, you won't.

But good news - as soon as you arrive,

you'll receive a big bowl of sticky rice.

- Oh, at least we'll be well fed. - Oh, it's not to eat.

It's one of the things we use to stick the bricks together.

Come on!

This Great Wall of China won't build itself!

HE SIGHS

- # Gone. #

- What will you do when you retire?

Well, if you were to ask our next guest,

63-year-old Annie Edson Taylor,

you might be surprised by the answer.

- Annie was hoping to raise some money for charity,

and so she came up with a smashing,

or should I say, SPLASHING, idea.

- Jenny is in 1901

beside one of the world's most famous landmarks, the Niagara Falls,

so let's see what she's up to.

Jenny. - Jenny.

- Annie, how's it going?

- Well, my cat survived going over Niagara Falls in a barrel,

so I think they're ready to go.

- I'm sorry, it sounded like you sent your cat over the falls in a barrel.

- Yes! - That's horrible!

How would you like to be sent over the falls in a barrel?

- Oh, yes. No, so that is the plan, Jenny.

I'm doing it for charity.

I had the barrel especially made.

It's got a cushion to sit on and everything.

It says, "Queen Of The Mist".

The mist is what people call the spray at the bottom of the falls.

Wish me luck. Whoop, whoop, whoop!

- SHE GRUNTS

- This elderly lady is about to fall 158 metres

down a waterfall in a barrel.

We even have in-barrel footage

and I'm sure everything will be fine.

- Here we go!

Oh! What a bump!

Still, I was expecting it to be much worse than that.

Argh!

- SOUND CUTS OUT

Oh.

- Uh...and we're just hearing that Annie has survived the drop.

She's out of the barrel, and she's back on dry land.

- Are you OK, Annie? - Sorry, am I the right way up?

- You certainly are, you little daredevil,

and I dare say you've raised loads of money for charity.

Uh, what charity was it again?

- Well, the charity was me.

My inheritance has run low and I don't want to be poor, Jenny.

Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel

seemed like the obvious way to make a bit of money.

- So, the people watching had to pay?

- Well, I was hoping they'd pay after I finished,

but most of them seemed to have left by the time I got out of the barrel.

- So, you didn't make any money at all?

- Not enough to retire on, no.

But hey-ho!

I can always take my barrel on a tour.

People will pay to see that. Ha!

Oh, no, no. No, no.

My manager's stealing my barrel!

No, no!

- There are many huge natural landmarks

like Niagara Falls and Mount Everest.

But behind every human-made landmark is the architect who designed it,

and they can have some odd ideas about things to include.

VOICEOVER: - Headteacher Ruth Thomas needs a new art and design teacher

after Mr Braithwaite chose to fart and resign.

Welcome to Historical Educating.

- Mr Braithwaite's standing is one of the most prolific architects

in British history.

He'll be a breath of fresh air,

which is something we could do with around here.

- Class 7F's new teacher is Sir Christopher Wren.

- Morning, class.

- ALL: - Good morning, Mr Sir Christopher Wren.

- Now, today, I would like you all to design...a new building.

- Can it be any sort of building?

- HE SCOFFS

- No.

It must be exultant, it must be geometrically sublime,

AND it must have...pineapples.

There's no building that can't be improved with a pineapple,

which is why, when I was asked to renovate

the old St Paul's Cathedral - bam!

68-foot pineapple on top!

Woo!

Unfortunately, the old building burned down

in the Great Fire of London

before I could actually stick a pineapple on it.

But I was asked to design the new St Paul's Cathedral,

so bam - two pineapples!

Woohoo! Ah! You love it.

I can see you love it.

- Apparently, pineapples were really rare and expensive

in Mr Wren's day.

- Not bad.

Something very conspicuously missing there.

Someone hasn't understood the assignment.

Right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

OK. Where's the pineapple?

Come on, people!

I once designed a building with 48 pineapples on it,

and you, you can't even draw a house with one!

Pineapple!

- Mr Wren's bananas about pineapples.

- Exciting news, class.

I've decided to design you a new pineapple...school.

Now, who wants to help me knock down the old one?

- ALL CHEER

- Woo!

- Er, what on earth's going on?

Thank you, Mr Wren.

Your services are no longer required.

- What about just two pineapples on top of the science block?

Or one massive one on top of the gym?

No? - No. - They loved it!

No pineapple, no party!

- Historic landmarks with Anne Marx.

- I'm here at the Taj Mahal in 17th-century Agra, India.

This monument was built by the Mughal emperor Shah Jahan

as a tribute to his late wife.

It took 17 years to construct,

using builders and materials from all across Asia.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

Oh, hello!

Not to mention thousands of elephants.

Shah Jahan, it must give you great pleasure to look at.

- Ah, yes, it's very nice,

although I'd enjoy looking at it more

if my son hadn't have locked me up in here

in order to take over my kingdom!

Ha! Little tyke.

Chip off the old block.

- HE LAUGHS

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

- Actually, could you move that elephant? I can't see the Taj.

- Uh, sure.

ELEPHANT FARTS

I'm not going anywhere near that. TRUMPETING CONTINUES

This is Historic Landmarks With Anne Marx.

- Anne? Anne, come back. Anne!

Don't go, Anne. Come on. Anne!

- The Sagrada Familia Cathedral is going to be

the wonder of Barcelona, Senor Gaudi.

But it IS taking a long time.

- A long time, yes,

but look at the quality of my lifelike statues.

- Yes, how do you do that?

- I base them on real people.

- HE GASPS

- Stop! Don't move!

I shall use your likeness for my next statue.

- Senor Gaudi, we need to speed things up.

At this rate, we'll still be building this place in 100 years.

GAUDI GASPS

- That's great. - What is?!

- Your look of frustration.

It will be perfect for my statue of Joseph

being turned away from the inn

while his wife, Mary, is pregnant with the little baby Jesus.

- Please don't use the workers as your models.

Use the locals, like that shepherd yesterday.

SHEEP BLEATS

- OK. No more sketching.

Oh, but their pose will be perfect

for the figures carrying the crosses.

Don't move!

- MEN GRUNT

- Argh!

- You said no more sketching! - I'm not going to sketch.

I'm going to take a plaster cast of his face.

Breathe in. - Wait, no!

- MUFFLED GRUNTING

- Ugh!

- HE SIGHS

- I did say it - breathe in.

Oh, well, there goes another one.

- Where is the donkey, anyway?

He's supposed to move the heavy stuff.

DONKEY BRAYS

Ah! Why is the donkey up there covered in plaster?

- I tried to do it on the floor, but the donkey wouldn't stay still.

You can have it back when the plaster's set.

- DONKEY FARTS

Ugh!

- Hmm, must have left a hole at the back.

- You are slowing the work down!

- My client is God and he is not in a hurry.

- GOOSE HONKS

- Ooh.

- Ugh, you're going to make a plaster cast of that goose, aren't you?

- Come here, goosey!

- This will never be finished.

DONKEY BRAYS

HE GROANS

Gaudi never did finish his cathedral in Barcelona,

and over 100 years later,

it's still being built today.

While most landmarks have become very popular,

they weren't always welcomed when they were built,

like when the suffragettes of New York

took issue with a certain Lady of Liberty

at her unveiling by designer Frederic Bartholdi

and American President Grover Cleveland.

- Greetings, Monsieur Le President.

Or should I say...

..whazzup?!

On behalf of the French people, I present to you my artistic work,

The Statue of Liberty.

- Wow. What a truly impressive statue, Monsieur Bartholdi.

And now for something even more impressive - my speech.

A Statue of Liberty for a land of liberty!

WOMEN BOOING

- Liberty? For who?

Give us the vote, you big hypocrite!

- Yeah, so we can vote for someone else!

- Liberty? We're not even at liberty to come to your party.

One of the only women you invited is 300ft high and made of copper!

- Awkward.

- You're not being very ladylike!

- This is what we think of being ladylike.

- SHE FARTS

Argh!

- Oh, ho! No, she didn't!

- Yeah! - Ha-ha!

- Making a woman the Statue of Liberty

when women aren't even at liberty to vote

is the biggest un-liberty I've ever heard of.

- Yeah!

- Monsieur le President, c'est un wicked burn, n'est-ce pas?

- Right, that does it.

Fire the ceremonial cannons.

- No...

- BOOM

- Ah!

- BOOING

A perfect compromise.

They are at liberty to make as much noise as they want.

Well, I, as president, am at liberty to fire cannons

so I don't have to listen to 'em. - Boo!

- You know what? I think I would prefer to be with them.

Ladies, is there room for one more on this boat?

Au revoir!

- Where are you going?

- Hello. My name's Joshua Cross,

and on October 16th, 1834, I played an important part in the redesign

of one of Britain's most famous buildings -

Parliament.

And this is what it used to look like.

But tell me, what role did I have in the redesign

of this amazing landmark?

Did I...?

The answer is...

..A - I burned the whole place down by accident.

It's a bit awks, actually.

My job was to burn something called tally sticks

in the furnaces inside Parliament.

One day, me and my friend Patrick

decided to go and have a beer while they were burning.

Then we forgot about them

and the whole place burned down.

Luckily, no-one died

and it led to Parliament being rebuilt like you know it today.

So in a way, it was a good thing.

- Joshua!

- Of course, not everyone sees it that way.

Better dash!

- Historic Landmarks

with Anne Marx.

- I'm here at the Eiffel Tower in 1889

with its brilliant, visionary...

- And adorable.

- ..designer, Gustave Eiffel.

When it was completed, standing at 300m tall,

the tower was the highest building in the world.

- And it was loved by all of Paris.

A little bit like myself.

Bonjour, Eiffel fans!

- Actually, a lot of people didn't like it at all.

- Oh, we're going there, are we?

- Many French artists signed a letter saying they hated it,

and some of them wanted to replace the top of the tower

with a giant naked statue.

- They have no sense of history,

tradition or spectacle!

Although if they are looking for a model,

this would be a pretty good statue, right?

- What is happening?

Er, what are you doing?

No. - Go with it.

- No... - Be part of it.

- No, I won't... - Improvise!

- So this is Historic Landmarks with Anne Marx.

- I'm taking off my trousers. - No, he's not. No, he's not.

- Isn't the Eiffel Tower amazing?

But some famous landmarks have pretty gruesome pasts.

Like the Colosseum in Rome, Italy.

Although it's now a famous tourist hot spot,

it was once a place that, unless you were in the audience,

you really didn't want to go.

Put it this way, a lot of the performers only got to do one show

and it was short and painful.

- SWORDS CLANG, LION GROWLS, SCREAMING

Come on down to the Flavian Amphitheatre

for the best live entertainment Rome has to offer.

Don't be shy! We got plenty of room.

We can seat over 50,000.

Wow! That ain't no lie.

It's not just gladiators and barbaric cruelty to slaves

and religious minorities, you know.

It's barbaric cruelty to everything!

We got horses, bulls, rhinos,

panthers, bears, tigers, elephants.

We've even got rabbits.

They're so cute!

Especially when the lions eat them.

You'll see all kinds of animals hunted in the Flavian Amphitheatre.

Heck, sometimes we even fill the whole darn place

with water so the horses and bulls have to swim!

We did that in the first games we held here.

Who don't want to see that?

But if animals ain't your thing,

we got people too.

Gladiators, magicians, acrobats,

and criminal types being torn apart by wild bears.

BEAR GROWLS, MAN SCREAMS

And it's real good value for money.

Some shows last for over 100 days.

So come on down! Have the time of your life

while a bunch of animals and slaves lose theirs.

- Any risk to spectators is the responsibility of the spectators

themselves and is not accepted by Flavian Entertainment Limited.

Tickets for the second day cannot be guaranteed,

as the animals may not survive the first.

- So what are you waiting for?

Get yourself down to the amphitheatre, why don't ya?

We got everything you want to see,

plus a whole bunch of stuff you really don't!

BEAR ROARS

BEAR BURPS

- Welcome to my historical crafting channel,

Stuff On A Stick.

- Stuff On A Stick!

- My guest this week is

the head keeper of London Bridge.

- So, yeah, I'm a keeper of heads.

- D'oh!

- Not the head of the keepers.

- So tell us about these amazing crafted heads.

They're so detailed.

How do you carve them?

- Oh, I don't carve them.

No, no, no. These are real heads.

- Oh! - Yeah.

That's Thomas Cromwell.

We've also had in, um,

William Wallace, Thomas Moore.

It's mostly traitors.

We display them on sticks on London Bridge.

So anyone crossing the bridge can see what happens

when you double cross the King.

- Don't do it!

- This is horrific. - Well, it's also very popular.

London Bridge has become a real tourist attraction

thanks to these naughty noggins.

Naughty noggin! - Naughty noggin!

- You've got to go back on the bridge soon.

"I don't want to go back on the bridge."

Well, you've got to, naughty noggin.

- Naughty noggin!

- Bit of fun.

- How do you stop them from rotting and falling apart?

- It's a very delicate, artistic and refined process.

- Well, I suppose you better talk us through it. - Fantastic. Yeah.

Step one - boil your old head.

Boiling the head stops it from rotting.

Have a whiff of that. - Oh!

- Fresh as the day I boiled him. - I'm going to be sick.

- Well, don't be sick in that, please, because that is step two.

Step two - dip 'em in tar.

It's to stop the birds from making off with the eyes

as a tasty snack.

- Ah! - Lovely.

Step three - stick it on a stick.

The finishing touch is just

put it on a stick, or a spike, or a pike.

Doesn't really matter, as long as it's sharp and pointy.

Yeah, well, you get the idea.

And voila! Heads up on how to get

these banging bonces looking their best.

- Well, thank you for coming on my show. - Sure.

- And please feel free to like, share and subscribe.

- Yeah, like, share and subscribe!

- Please don't do that.

- Spoilsport.

- I am the French general Napoleon Bonaparte.

It is the end of the 18th century

and France is at war with Portugal,

Russia, Austria,

Britain, bits of Italy,

and I think Malta, which is weird.

And in 1798,

I took 40,000 magnificent French soldiers to capture Egypt.

But my main enemy is boredom.

- Bottom? - Boredom!

- Oh, oui, oui, yes! Boredom, this must be tamed!

- So how did I keep myself and my soldiers entertained?

Did I...

A, order my men to redig the 200km-long canal

of the Pharaohs?

B, get my men to race up and down the pyramids?

Or C, build a giant arena with 105 columns

and a huge obelisk in the centre,

inscribed with heroes of France?

It was a trick question, ha-ha!

I did all three of them!

- My people also found...

- ..the Rosetta Stone, which helped unlock

the meaning of the Egyptian hieroglyphics.

You see, Napoleon Bonaparte can do anything...

- Sir, there is trouble in France and British ships are approaching.

- ..and right now is heading back to France.

Got to go!

- THUD

- Oh!

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine!

- The Great Pyramids of Giza

are actually the only surviving example

of the so-called Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

The other six are no longer around.

But what were they?

Luckily, we have an absolute banger to tell you all about them.

# In Alexandria

# A lighthouse built by Pharaoh Ptolemy

# Towered over all

# Until an earthquake made it fall into the sea

# And in Olympia the Greek god Zeus had a gigantic statue

# Until a massive raging fire

# Destroyed that wonder too

# At least the Great Pyramid of Giza still stands for you

- # Oh, the Seven Wonders

# Seven Wonders of the Ancient World

- # Colossus of Rhodes

# A statue built to celebrate a great victory

# Stood on the harbour wall

# Until an earthquake brought it crashing to its knees

# The Hanging Gardens of Babylon

# Are next on the list

# Though this is the only Wonder that maybe didn't exist

# At least the Great Pyramid of Giza

# Cannot be missed

- # Oh, the Seven Wonders

# Seven Wonders of the Ancient World

- # Temple of Artemis

# The Temple of Diana is its other name

# Built for a Greek goddess

# Now only fragments and its foundations remain

# The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus was a giant tomb

# Just like the bodies placed inside it

# This wonder has met its doom

# At least the Great Pyramid of Giza

# I'm off to see soon

- # Oh, the Seven Wonders

# Seven Wonders of the Ancient world

- # Oh, the Seven Wonders

# Sadly, only one remains preserved. #

The Great Pyramid of Giza. Have I mentioned that?