Original subtitles

[Anton] Okay, guys. It's time.

-[crow cawing] -[Paul] Hmm.

No, no, I can't, I can't.

[sighs] Okay.

God, mail is so fucked up.

Like, don't they know we have lives and families?

-Aw, my parents are in Jackson Hole. -Who's Jackson?

-How did they both fit inside his hole? -[Samir] Ha, ha, yeah.

-It's not a sex trip. -It's not not a sex trip.

Wait. Ugh. It's the Bayside Stabber.

I forgot I'm his prison pen pal.

-Kind of jealous. -God, I'm gonna have to read his novella.

-[Issa] What? -[Paul] It's like a graphic novel.

Wow, he has such an eye.

-Oh. He said, "I love you" three times. -[Issa] Aw.

[Issa] Wait. Is that from the hospital?

-[Paul] Show us. -Your outstanding hospital bill, $15,004.

-Sucks. -Boo.

-Your reduced bill, $2,200. -Medium boo.

Your current balance, zero dollars and zero cents.

-She's out of debt, people! -Yay! Thank God.

Well, I'd like to thank Anton for helping me sell my jewelry

-and Issa for buying it. -My pleasure.

Okay, I'm gonna go get the last of the mail.

-Congrats, Bills. -We should frame this.

[Issa gasps] Yeah, we can put it next to the wanted poster

Oh! Paul Baker has one. Paul Baker, do your call back.

Call back, call back.

-[Anton] What? -Guys, my visa's expiring.

Wait, what?

I have to leave the country.

Okay, my parents are in Beaver Creek now.

I don't wanna hear it.

They're eating pussy.

What?

[theme song playing]

No, of course.

-Con Edison. -[Paul] Yeah, makes sense.

[Samir] Con Edison.

Con What What

What does Con Edison stand for? Conrad Edison?

-Okay. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. -[line beeps]

Uh, so that was my buddy's immigration lawyer.

-Uh, it's not looking good. -What?

He said the best chance I have at getting another visa

would be to leave the country as soon as possible.

Uh. How does this happen to even our most well-hung countrymen?

-Thank you. -[Samir] So what are you gonna do?

You're just gonna go back to Canada?

I mean, I think I just have to.

-What? -Well, I mean, you don't have to.

-You could just -What?

get married.

-Oh, shit. -Well, yeah, uh, we could,

but that would be visa fraud.

-That's illegal. -Sure, but it's not against the law.

-[Anton] What? -I think that's exactly what that means.

Okay, but people do it all the time.

Okay, but people do it all the time. Yeah, I mean, that's true.

Yeah, I mean, that's true.

My aunt married, like, three desperate Greek men.

She's a human Mamma Mia.

[chuckles] Okay, guys, look, it's super sweet that you-you care this much about me

and want me to stay, but, you know, marriage means something to me.

-Uh, I'm not just, you know-- -[Issa clears throat]

-[Anton] Oh, my God. -Holy shit.

-Oh -[Issa] Paul Baker,

you and I have a beautiful spiritual connection

-Uh. -and you obviously worship my holes.

-Oh. No. Bad. -Also, guys, marriage is just a construct.

So, if that's what it takes to keep you here

-Well, then, Paul Baker -Uh, Iss--

Samir, ring. [finger snaps]

Give it

[gasps]

Will you marry me?

-Uh. -[Samir] Oh, God.

[mumbles]

Paul Baker?

-Come on. -Okay, yes?

-[screams] -[screams]

[Billie] Yay! [screams]

Oh, my God you're staying.

-You're getting married. -I know.

-You're getting married. -[Issa] I know.

You'll have to fuck for the both of us now.

[Issa laughs]

-I'm gonna go call the attorney. -Okay.

-I'm gonna go call the attorney. -Okay. -Yay! -Oh.

-Yay! -Oh.

So you guys will talk to Zack-Carlos?

-Oh, shit. Zack-Carlos. -Oh, my God.

Zack-Carlos. Why does that name sound familiar?

[knocks on door]

[gasps]

-[Anton] Zack-Carlos. -Hi, Zack-Carlos.

So, we are gonna need you to divorce Issa.

thanks for doing this.

Duh, Paul Baker, we are getting married.

That means something to you.

I am giving you the full wedding experience.

-Mmm. Thanks. -[Issa] Besides,

religion has become very important to me ever since I realized it was just talking.

-[Father] Hello. -[Issa, Paul] Hi!

-[Issa] Hi. -[Paul] Hello.

-Sorry about that. Some church business. -Oh, no, no, no.

Thank you for meeting with us on such short notice.

[chuckles] Of course.

As you know, it is a miracle to be married under the eyes of God.

Oh. Those eyes.

-Nothing to see here, God. -Mm-mmm.

Just a totally normal marriage,

Just a totally normal marriage, but we are on a very tight time line because both of our moms are dying.

but we are on a very tight time line because both of our moms are dying.

but we are on a very tight time line because both of our moms are dying. -No. Mm-mmm. -[Issa] Hmm?

-No. Mm-mmm. -[Issa] Hmm?

-Shh. Shut up. Shh. -No, Iss.

-No, that's not true. -So sad. Shh.

-No, that's not true. -So sad. Shh. Father, we're getting married so that I can stay in the country.

Father, we're getting married so that I can stay in the country.

-Paul Baker! -What?

Let's be honest with him, he's a priest.

I was an altar boy.

Oh my God, are you okay?

-What? -What?

No, no, I-I-I appreciate the honesty.

It's-It's the bedrock of any marriage.

-I always say that. -I agree now.

And I think we should

-be honest. -Be honest, yeah.

No more secrets.

Good. Now, have you consummated the marriage yet?

No, no, never.

-Issa. -Never once.

-Issa. -Well, really, where is the question,

because we have consummated it in my mouth

-No. -But very rarely in my bottom too.

Iss.

-[clears throat] The bottom too. -[Issa] Mm-hmm.

-[clears throat] The bottom too. -[Issa] Mm-hmm. So are you living chastely?

So are you living chastely?

Yes, super chastely. Chasty, chasty, chaste the rainbow.

No, that's What's going on with you? No, that's not true, Father.

We have sex all the time.

Well, tha-that is true.

-Thank you. -To conceive.

-No. -Yes, we are trying to start a family

-in my mouth. -Uh.

-Jesus Christ. -Paul Baker!

Oh, fu Oh, sorry.

-Now he's never going to do it. -[Father] Oh, no, no. I

It-It was the other stuff. That's why I won't do it.

[Paul] Oh, goddamn it.

-[Anton] Get a signature. -[Samir] See what you can get out.

-No small talk. -No. None.

-I don't want to reminisce. -No. Why would we do that?

-I really -Whoa.

Missed you guys.

-Aw. Miss you. -Nice.

You know, I almost forgot that Issa and I were even married.

[Anton] I know.

I think we all tried to.

In our defense though, spring break, we were on one. Like

Wink wink. [chuckles]

I can only do it with my hands.

-Mm-hmm. I remember. -[Anton] Right.

And Issa was all, like, "Marriage is a construct." Brrr.

Yeah, she says that stuff.

But the thing is, is now she's getting married to,

-like, her actual boyfriend, right? So -Yes, yes.

And-And he's dealing with this whole visa thing and he's gonna have to move out and

[Zack-Carlos] Oh.

Sorry, um, is he living with you guys?

Well, that's interesting because I remember when I asked to move in,

you said that it was "capped at four."

Did I say that? It's such a long time ago.

But now, uh, it's two, three, Billie's four

-Oh. -No, I know, five, yeah. Okay.

I guess there's room for five now.

Yep, that's how counting works.

Yeah. So, here's the deal.

Um. It doesn't really matter where he's living, right?

What matters is that you sign these divorce papers.

The bit was funny, but now let's just

end it.

You know, I'm gonna have to think about it.

-What? -[Zack-Carlos] Just cause [groans]

I've got a lot going on right now.

You know, I'm currently living with Beth.

-Do you remember Beth from move in? -Beth?

Yeah, isn't she your

Mother.

In a way, yeah.

But we're about to part as friends,

so, like, I can't even, like, think about any of this right now

until I figure out where I'm living.

Like [groans] what do we do? [chuckles]

-Okay. -[Zack-Carlos] What do we do?

[Anton] Oh. Um.

[Anton, Samir, Paul cheer]

Holy shit.

Holy shit. Whoo. You are incredible.

Whoo. You are incredible.

And that's what I learned from the Hustlers trailer.

-Very nice, Iss. -Thank you.

-Does this make up for the priest thing? -It really does, babe.

-Yay! -Thank you.

Wait. Is Billie still flirting with that couple? Don't look, but look.

Oh, my God. I remember when my first friend got engaged.

-[Billie] Really? -Ugh. Me too.

Yeah. Oh. It was bad. I plucked out every single one of my eyebrows.

I looked like a ping pong ball.

-I'm really happy for you. -Oh, my God.

It's funny, but it was

-it was honestly scary. -[person 1] It was bad.

-[Issa] Oh. I'm so proud I could cry. -[Anton] Aw.

So what'd you boys get up to today?

Oh, yeah, what did you boys get up to today?

Oh. Um.

-We made soup. -We made soup.

-[gasps] Fun! -Soup without me?

What kind?

-Minestrone. -Minestrone.

-[Issa] Hmm. -Well, you guys are being weird.

-No. -You, like, hiding something or what?

-[sighs] We burnt the soup. -[sighs] We burnt the soup.

-[sighs] So sad. -Okay.

-Um, Paul Baker, I need to get sit down. -Yes.

Can you guys go stand in Billie's eyeline

in case that couple gets weird and human trafficky?

-Yeah, of course. -Thank you. You guys are such good allies.

Not you. What did that Zack-Carlos say?

So yeah, it's not looking good.

-He won't sign the papers. -What?

Yeah, and he's trying to, like, move in with us now.

Can you just please be honest with Paul Baker?

No. No. Absolutely not.

If I tell him I've been married this whole time, he will move back to Canada.

Issa, he's not gonna move back to Canada if you're just honest with him.

He loves honesty. He's obsessed with it, which is why we have to lie.

-Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. -[Issa] I'm telling you, I know him.

I'll talk to Zack-Carlos tomorrow.

[sighs] Thank you. You're a good man.

Now get on that table and make it bounce for mamma.

Make what bounce?

No. It's on the house.

[scoffs] Wow.

He's cute.

-No. No. -No?

Anton, you don't wanna make that dry martini a little dirty?

-[laughs] Honestly, I probably should. -Huh?

-It's getting really bad. -[Paul] The dry spell?

Yeah. The other day I almost bit a mannequin at Bloomingdale's.

-Fuck off. -[Anton] Yeah.

-Where? -Oh. In the lump.

-[Paul retches] -[chuckles]

-But yeah, weirdly I'm like not spiraling. -Hey.

My friends are where they're supposed to be. I'm where I'm supposed to be.

And where is that?

Oh. Um

I don't know. Just at a bar with a really hot couple

who I think is open or I'm totally misreading the vibe.

-Um. Okay, she's hot. -Yes.

[person 1] She's fucking hot. Oh, this girl She's so hot.

-[Anton] How are you though? -Marriage wise?

-Awesome. Yeah. -Cool.

I mean, sure, I-I always pictured my wedding a certain way.

And what's that?

Outdoor venue, private vows, glow sticks at the after party.

-Got it, glow sticks. Needed always. Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah.

But I mean this is this is great too.

This is awesome. Like, it is so sweet what Issa is doing, marrying me.

What all you guys are doing to keep me here, but

-Mind wipe? -Yeah, of course.

I

I Um.

You're not ready to get married, but you want to stay in the house,

and you really don't want to disappoint us.

You know what, I think I'm gonna, um, get one of those free martinis.

[Anton] Yeah, definitely.

-Hi, I would like another -[bartender] Another?

-because this has spilled. -[bartender] You got it.

Okay, I have to go to the bathroom. Just pee.

You guys can hold hands, but no first kiss until I get back.

-Promise. -[Billie] I promise.

-[stammers] All right. -[person 1] Oh, my God, you guys are cute.

So you're an orthopedist. [chuckles]

I don't want this.

-Hmm? -I don't. I don't want this.

It's just my wife, she wanted to open the marriage.

She wanted to go out and she wanted to explore, but I wanted to have kids by now.

-I'm sorry, what? -[person 2] But no, my wife,

-I'm sorry, what? -[person 2] But no, my wife, she wants to go around town and she wants to fuck young sluts together.

she wants to go around town and she wants to fuck young sluts together.

[chuckles] I can't keep having this amount of sex with random people.

I mean, you're incredible, and I'm not even attracted to you at all.

And I mean, look at you, you're so

-Pretty? -Gen Z.

-Oh, okay. -Yeah. I love Gen Z and

Yeah.

You know what, Brian? You know what?

No. No, actually. No.

Because, hey, look at me. Look me in the eye.

I have had a very tough year. It sounds like maybe you have too.

But guess what? Tonight's not about you, Brian, okay?

Not about your wife.

There are three of us here and only one of us shaved their asshole for this.

Was it you, Brian?

-Was it you, Brian? -No, but

So, here's what's gonna happen, okay?

Your wife's gonna come back and then you're gonna man up

and you're gonna fuck me, then your wife in that order

because I get UTIs like a grandmother, Brian. Do you understand me?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah?

-Great. -That sounds awesome.

-[Billie] Hi. -Hi, sweetie.

-Hey! -Remember me?

-Welcome back. -Okay, what were you talking about?

It just, we were What did You said What did you say?

Hey, hey. Don't forget to do that thing I taught you.

Ooh.

What, uh What thing did she teach you?

-It's just anal. -[Brian sighs]

We're doing anal tonight.

And then what happened?

Zack-Carlos, we told you this already.

[stammers] It turns out it was the bayside stabber and he was on our couch.

And then the police came and it was a whole ordeal.

-Yeah. -[Zack-Carlos] You guys are crazy.

-The antics. [giggles] -[sighs]

You know what?

I have decided.

-Yeah? -Great!

-Great, you can sign right here. -Thank you so much.

I will move in. Aw.

Oh, bro, no.

No.

Zack-Carlos, you're not No, you're not moving in, okay?

Zack-Carlos, you're not No, you're not moving in, okay? -I'm just gonna be straight up with you. -All right. Classic Samir.

-I'm just gonna be straight up with you. -All right. Classic Samir.

No, no. I'm being serious, okay?

You are not moving in.

And it's not because there's no room. It was never about that.

-Mm-hmm. -It's because you're so crazy, okay?

And And where's Beth? Where's your mom?

Is she alive?

I don't want to go back and forth with you.

Can you just sign the divorce papers?

-No! -[gasps]

-Why? -Because you guys left me.

We used to hang out all of the time.

Then after college, you replaced me with Billie.

And now with Paul Baker.

Bisexual, queer, proud!

-Wait, how do you know that? -Instagram story, bitch.

While we're doing it, let's just call him like he is.

He's an illegal alien.

-Oh, okay. -No, you can't say that, Zack-Carlos.

-He's an alien. -What? Zack-Carlos, no.

-Hey, do not. -Yep. Yep.

He's an illegal alien who is sleeping with my wife.

So, no, I'm not divorcing Issa because that's how I'm involved.

[Samir] Ugh.

Okay.

Okay, okay. You're right.

-You're right, Zack-Carlos. -He's right?

He's right, Samir. He's right.

[sighs] It's just a shame though

'cause you would've really hit it off with Paul Baker.

-He loves meeting new people. -What are you doing?

-He's kind, he's a great listener. -What?

He's, like, funny over text. [chuckles]

You know those people that are, like, funny over text, Samir?

You know those people? Hmm?

-Mmm. He's funny over text. -[Anton] So funny.

I-I'm funny over text.

-[Samir] Yeah. -Yes.

Yes, you're funny over text too.

They would have such good bits.

-P.B. and Z.C. -Would've, could've, should've. Yep.

Too bad he's going back to Canada. Bye, Zack-Carlos.

-Wait. -[Anton] Hmm?

Does he watch The Masked Singer?

Yeah.

Could he explain it to me?

-Of-Of course. -Of course.

-Yay, congratulations. -[bride] Appreciate it

Twins.

Aw. You're doing a really good thing.

[Issa] Thanks, I know.

Ugh. Oh, wait! How was that date with that couple last night?

-It was actually really good. -[gasps]

-Oh, really? -[Billie] Yeah.

[Issa] Wow.

-Ahem. You have UTI? -My vagina is on fire.

[screams] Look at you, you little ass hopper.

Threesomes, itchy vaginas.

-You're, like, doing it. -I know.

And meanwhile you're the responsible one about to get married.

-I know. -Next thing you know,

you're gonna stop flushing your tampons down the toilet.

I know. What?

It's like you're the Billie and I'm the Issa.

Oh, God.

-Yeah. Yeah, that's true -Next thing you know you're gonna start--

-[Samir] Wow! -Hi.

-Hi! -Hi!

Issa, you look so beautiful.

Thanks. It's vintage Samir's mom in that it is her wedding dress.

-Excuse me. -[Issa] Mm-hmm.

Iss, we got those papers signed.

Yep, we handled it.

[gasps] Good, great. Super great.

[Samir] Oh. Shh. Shh.

-[Billie] Hey! -[Paul] Okay,

I know I'm not supposed to see you yet, my beautiful bride. Are you ready, Iss?

-Yes, super ready. Super. -[Paul] Okay, let's do it!

-[Billie] She's ready! -Let's go!

-All right. All right, let's go! -I'm getting married! Yay! Yes!

-Come on, Carly. -Okay.

[Anton] Carly, I am stealing you from Samir. You're tiny.

I hope it's a UTI.

[♪♪ orchestral music playing]

Hello.

-Ooh. Take me in. -What?

Take me in, take me in. [sniffs]

Did you sniff me?

[Billie] And, okay. I will see you in there.

Wait, wait, wait. Please, please, please.

What?

I can't do this.

-Oh, my God, Iss. -[Issa] I can't.

I'm not supposed to get married at 24.

If anything, I'm supposed to get married at 60 to a 24-year-old.

Okay, Iss, but remember Remember, you've been married before.

Yeah, as a bit!

This isn't a bit. I live with this guy.

[♪♪ romantic music playing]

Hey, sorry, who is this guy?

It's Zack-Carlos.

He's your best man.

Okay.

He's gonna get deported. Paul Baker's gonna get deported.

This is horrible.

Do you know how many marches I've been to for that?

-Oh, God. -He's not gonna get deported, okay?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna throw up. I'm gonna ralph.

-Issa, don't ralph. -[Issa] Oh, God.

I'm gonna ralph on Samir's mom's dress.

-Don't throw up. -I'm gonna throw up. Oh, God.

If you puke, it'll make me puke.

-[gags] Oh, God. [gags] -Don't--

Oh, my God. [chuckles]

[burps] I'm a bad person. I'm a bad person.

Hey, look at me. Stop crying.

-Oh, God. What do we do? -[Billie] It's okay.

We are gonna figure this out.

How?

[doors opens]

What the fuck?

-[Paul whispers] Jesus Christ. -Okay.

-That's not the bride. -Oh.

[whispers] Billie, what's happening?

Issa is really really sorry, but she can't actually marry you right now.

[Paul] Oh.

-Totally, yeah. -[Billie] Okay?

But it's gonna be okay because we're not gonna lose you

because [breathes deeply]

I am gonna marry you.

-Billie, what? -No.

-That's crazy. -Who cares, okay?

Last night I went down on a woman while her husband sobbed beside me, okay?

-I can do anything. -[Samir] Billie, no.

Okay, hey, Billie, hey. No.

-I'll-I'll just marry him. -What the fuck?

-Samir. -He's my guy, okay?

I He cooks my meals.

He-He remembers my passwords. He lives in my house, okay?

-Let's just do this. -Hey, guys, no.

Samir, well, you're not even gay, so

So? I've seen it. I can get there.

-Ooh. -Hey, guys, no.

Super sweet that you want to do this.

But if Issa can't marry me, then that's that.

-I'm leaving the country. -Well, she totally can though.

[Billie] Oh Just no, no.

I divorced her this morning.

[gasps]

-Fuck. -What?

Shit.

-Oh. Oh. And that is the bride. -Ooh.

-You have four minutes. -Hi, Paul B.

Sorry, sweetie. Thank you.

-Hi. Uh Okay. -Hi.

So, I actually lied about, like, a lot, actually.

-Iss -[Issa] I was married,

when I proposed to you, to a nightmare twank named Zack-Carlos.

Hi, Zack-Carlos. And I--

[Paul] You were married?

-Yeah. -[Paul] The whole time?

[Issa] Mm-hmm.

And all of you guys knew?

-Yeah, we knew. -Well, his name sounded familiar.

-[sighs] -[Issa] Yeah, they knew.

-[sighs] -[Issa] Yeah, they knew. Going back, you know, we probably wouldn't have lied as much.

Going back, you know, we probably wouldn't have lied as much.

But it was just because we thought we could pull it off.

-Pull it off? -Pull it off?

-This is my life. -His life.

-You know, you could've just talked to me. -Just talk.

Look, we all love you. We just want you to stay.

So literally any of us would marry you.

-[Billie] Yeah, we would. -Yeah. And I love you, Paul Barker.

[Paul] Zack-Carlos, I swear to God

Paul Baker, you choose.

-What do you want? -[Billie] Yeah.

[sighs]

[all laughing]

Okay, wait, can I have some cake?

-No, I want this one. -[Billie] I'll trade you.

Okay.

Oh, we watching a movie?

[Issa] Mmm. That suit.

I may not be a bride, but I'm gonna fuck a groom tonight.

-[Paul] Okay. -[Issa] Wait, wait, wait.

You have to sit next to your literal spouse.

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah.

-Okay. Okay, okay. -[Samir] Come on.

[Paul clears throat, chuckles]

[sighs]

Thank you for marrying me.

Of course. It was nothing. It's marriage.

It is something.

-Wait, you guys never had your kiss. -Oh, my God!

-You have to. -No, guys

[Billie] Guys, come on. Kiss, kiss

No. No, no, no. We don't need to do that.

-Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. -Okay, then.

-[Samir] That Come on -Bigger than that.

You're not gonna get cooties. Kiss.

Fine. Okay.

Kiss for real!

-Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. -Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. [chuckles]

[Paul clears throat]

Uh-huh.

"Kiss, kiss!" We kissed. We We just kissed.

-Should we watch a movie? -Yep. Yes.

We need to watch a movie right now.

-[Paul] Let's do it. -[Anton] Hundred-percent.

[Issa] Oh, uh.

Okay, someone throw out a movie.

Oh. Um [clicks tongue]

-[electricity hums] -[Issa screams]

[Samir sighs]

Conrad Edison.