Original subtitles

...::: TeryongNoypi:::

(ROCK music plays)

♪ Girls: Not! ♪

♪ Not! ♪

♪ Not! ♪

♪ Now we're Glamthrax ♪

♪ And we take no shit ♪

♪ And we don't care ♪ ♪ for writing hits ♪

♪ The sound you hear ♪ ♪ is what we like ♪

♪ And I'll steal your ♪ ♪ puppets like I stole your... ♪

♪ Socks. ♪

Yo, man, what's the matter with you?

Sorry, I'll get it next time, I promise.

♪ Colleen beats the beats, ♪ ♪ the beats you beat ♪

♪ The only thing harder ♪ ♪ is the smell of my feet ♪

♪ So listen up 'cause ♪ ♪ you might get dissed ♪

♪ go drain the lizard or take a... ♪

♪ Chair. ♪

Damn, c'mon, girl, watch the beat.

♪ I'm on your case ♪ ♪ I'm in your face ♪

♪ Get you and your ♪ ♪ father back in place ♪

♪ Step up sucker understand ♪

♪ - Don't you know that... ♪ ♪ - I'm the man. ♪

♪ - I'm the man ♪ ♪ - I'm bad ♪

♪ I'm so bad ♪ ♪ I should be in detention. ♪

♪ I'm the man! ♪

All right.

♪ We've got real def rhythms ♪

♪ And fresh new jams ♪

♪ You say we got egos ♪

♪ But we're just hams ♪

♪ Roof shit, top shelf ♪

♪ And we like to skate ♪

♪ But we're never on time, ♪ ♪ we're always... ♪

♪ - Sleeping. ♪ ♪ - Late. ♪

Damn it.

The important thing is that you tried.

Yeah.

♪ I'm on your case ♪ ♪ I'm in your face ♪

♪ Put you and your ♪ ♪ father back in place ♪

♪ Step up sucker, understand ♪

♪ - Don't you know that... ♪ ♪ - Colleen C.: I'm the man. ♪

♪ I'm the man, I'm bad. ♪

♪ I'm so bad I should be ♪ ♪ in detention. ♪

♪ - I'm the man! ♪ ♪ - Colleen C.: All right ♪

So...

♪ As this rap is winding down ♪

♪ It's plain to see ♪ ♪ we wear the crown ♪

♪ You know Glamthrax is number one ♪

♪ But we don't care, ♪ ♪ we just wanna have... ♪

♪ A festival. ♪

Fun, Colleen, girls just wanna have fun.

Hey, that's a song

Colleen...

♪ Mailed the mail, ♪ ♪ the mail she mailed ♪

♪ We are the queens ♪ ♪ so all shall hail ♪

♪ We're like a diamond is forever ♪

♪ And we'll remain the hardest ♪

♪ Ever ♪

♪ I'm so bad it's a crime. ♪

♪ Not. ♪

♪ Not, not, not, not-not ♪

(MICROPHONE thuds to the floor)

(DRUM SOLO)

Ichabod: Woo!

Yeah.

(laughing)

Look at his cute little nipples.

- Oh, my god, Ichabod, cover up. - (camera clicks)

(videogame music)

You know, I don't have to come and beat the skins

for you two Beliebers.

- Colleen M.: Shut up. - Yeah.

You know we love you, Icha-wad.

Remember when he ripped off his shirt before

and we saw his yummy Icha-bod?

I nearly wrote a whole blog about it, girl, hasthtag Ichagod.

- You did? - I did not.

- Not, not, not-not. - (laughs)

(knocking)

No.

- Shit. - Ichabod: No, what's that noise?

Oh, no, do you two uncompromising rebel riot girls

actually have to go back to work?

- Shut up, Icha-bodily functions. - Yeah.

Excuse me, Condescending Riot Girls.

Uh, we'll take two packs of smokes, gimme a bag of milk,

and why don't you throw in the best most exciting years

of your life stuck behind a counter, eh?

You're a dick, Ichabod.

Oh, that's mean.

I call you Dickabod.

(door slams)

I can't believe it took you this long to think of Dickabod!

(sighs)

(knocking)

(shop door dings)

Both: Sorry aboot that. Sorry aboot that.

Sorry aboot that.

Sorry aboot that.

Sorry aboot that.

Now, that was a lot longer than 10 minutes.

My best friend was having lady problems in the bathroom, okay?

May I shop?

Sure.

(snickers)

Sir Pedophile-in-Denial.

So I'll see you guys Friday, eh?

I said, eh?

(creepy whisper) Wunderbar.

Hi.

Um, True Norths, this week's issue of Them,

and his Pucky Charms.

And, um... (whispers) Condoms.

Oh, my god, this is about you two.

Yes, ma'am, and we hate it.

It says here that you saved a man's life.

But it's, like, dumb because the guy was a walrus

- and not a manatee. - There's a big difference.

Yeah, a walrus has tusks and manatees don't.

Did you know they called the manatee a sea cow?

Moo, I'm utterly underwater, eh? Moo, moo, eh?

(laughing)

That's her underwater cow, it's hysterical.

That is funny. C'mon, Wayne.

Moo, moo, moo. I'm a loser, eh?

(laughing)

Okay, that kid rules.

More of that, less of everything else ever.

("Wishing Well" by Terence Trent D'arby)

Hunter Calloway's here, Hunter Calloway's here!

Oh, my god, could you stop being so basic?

Oh, I gotta Gram the shit outta this.

(videogame music)

The little Colleen Coalition.

- The only sassy, sexy... - (camera clicks)

sophomores in Honors history rockin' the smocks.

Where's the Pepto Bismol?

(videogame music)

- Ew, it's over there. - (grunts)

Sorry aboot that, he's such a sitcom.

Yeah, well, we close in 20 minutes,

so if he pukes, you're cleaning it up.

Let me ask you somethin', you ladies like workin' the Zed?

- Not at all. - Customers make it suck.

(burps) Yeah, you know what wouldn't suck?

Colleen and Colleen with me in between.

The very definition of suck.

Are the Colleen's, perchance, working tomorrow?

Not on a Friday night, no way.

We're off, why?

I would like to invite you both to my party.

A senior party?

A neenior nardy?

Now with two very cool sophomores.

May I have the honor of your number, mademoiselle?

- (rustling) - (creepy mumbling)

Who's there?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

- (creepy mumbling) Wunderbar.

(screams)

- (stomach gurgling) - Oh, oh.

Get out of my bum!

(screams)

Ms. McKenzie: A grade 12 party with boys?

No! no, no, no, no, no, no,.

I'm not aboot to let you go to a grade 12 party with boys, Colleen.

(videogame music)

It's just a grade 12 party, it's not the Nazi Party.

Senior boys only invite sophomore girls to parties for one thing.

- Well, me and Colleen don't do that. - (bottle blows raspberry)

And even if we did, we have our periods this week.

Ms. McKenzie: No, you don't, little liar.

We're always in-sync and I don't get mine for two more weeks.

Holy shit, you still get your period Ms. McKenzie?

(giggling)

Please, you have to let me go to this party.

It's only the most important night of my entire life.

No way. Just the thought of going to a grade 12 party

has you lying to me about your menstrual cycle.

And you know a woman's menstrual cycle is sacred, Colleen.

I'm talking aboot the period blood of women.

(Spits)

Colleen M.: Please, just let me go, Mom.

I promise won't sellout on my gender ever again.

On one condition, you bring something stabby.

They get cute, they get cut.

Holy shit.

I call her The Mohel, she's my date knife.

Thanks.

So we start with Pretentious Frog.

Pretentious Frog, "I only eat grass-fed flies."

(videogame music)

The Dissatisfied Customer.

Dissatisfied Customer.

"I don't like the product you've given me."

Atlas Shrugged, Atlas Shrugged.

We've got Atlas and then we shrug.

Do Lasers from the Wrists, Lasers from the Wrists.

Yoga Fett, Yoga Fett.

Awkward Conversationalist, we put our foot in a mouth.

Foot in the mouth.

Upward Dog, our favorite canine.

Downward Dog.

Here we go Three-Legged Dog.

That's sad, Three-Legged Dog, look at that dog.

But you know what's sadder?

Two-Legged Dog, and he's in his little pushcart,

his little makeshift wheelbarrow and he's pushing himself along.

We push right into Lotus Position.

And we feel positive energy all around us.

And let's hold onto that positive energy in the room.

But, you know, I did read on the message boards

at CanadianCorpses.com that they've been finding

body parts all over Winnipeg for the last few months.

(videogame music)

Body parts?

Oh, yeah, arms, legs, heads, scalps, torsos,

feet, hands, nipples, dinkies.

- Dinkies? - (Yogi laughs)

I said, "Take my dinky first, but leave me my nipples."

It's basically a vestigial dinky at this point.

But you take my nipples, and that's my identity.

There's some real negativity in the world, girls. But remember,

negative space can still be a design asset, as long as you live the Yoga Way.

And you breathe the Yoga Way.

And. yes, you even have to shit the Yoga Way.

Seriously. sit in Lotus Position next time you're on the toilet,

everything just falls out of you. Like you're dumping a book bag.

A book bag full of poo.

(laughing)

(rock music)

- Go. - (camera clicking)

Okay. let me see.

That one's cute. that one's cute, don't post that one though.

Okay. yeah, you look basic.

Oh. what in the ham and eggs is this all about?

It looks like a Vancouver Hockey Riot in here.

What'd you do. rob a mall?

(videogame music)

- Hi. Dad. - Hi, Mr. Collette.

What are you doin' with all these clothes?

- We're screening outfits. - Oh. yeah?

Whatever gets the most likes. we wear to the party tomorrow night.

A grade 12 party.

(gasps) No!

A grade 12 party already eh?

(shrieks)

Oh. where did my little girl go?

Aw. stop. You two are gonna make me cry.

- Tabitha: I'm back. - Hey. hey!

(sighs) That's gonna make me cry.

- Bob: Hey. Hey. - Hey. Hey.

- (smooching) - (laughing)

(laughing)

- A little tongue. - I bit ya. eh?

(laughing)

I got a bite!

(videogame music)

Tabitha: Oh. my god. It looks like a Vancouver Hockey Riot in here.

I know. I know.

What is this. What are you two doing?

They're picking out their outfits for a party tomorrow.

(whispers) A grade 12 party.

Both: Oh.

- Bob: Big time. big time. - Oh. with seniors now.

I know.

She's only supposed to go to sophomore mixers. I thought.

Yeah. right. C'mon. Tabs, we all know you can't think.

(slurps) Mm-hmm.

Okay. okay.

When I went to count out the register tonight.

The back room was a mess. Yeah?

Colleen.

Tabitha: Okay. they can't be practicing in the back

of the store anymore. Bob.

Last year. they blew out the power with their amps.

Yeah. it's bad enough the two of them are always

with their faces in their phones behind the counter.

Such pretty faces too. Pretty faces.

Lock up the store and go play their so-called music

in the backroom with that pederast loser.

- He's not a loser. - God knows what else. eh?

That's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

And. like. who are we? You?

Skeezing on losers is your superpower.

This isn't skeezing. okay?

I fell in love with your father.

After he made you manager.

Tabitha: And as manager. You know what I've noticed?

Where'd all the beaver stuffies go?

(gasps) Not the beavers!

Oh yeah.

- No. that's a big seller. - Yeah. yeah.

Tabitha: They didn't sell 'em. I checked the receipts.

She checked She checked the receipts.

Where'd all my beavers go?

Frankly. Tabitha. I don't give a damn about your beavers.

(chuckling)

Goddamned yoga hosers.

Where's little Miss Wo-Manager going?

We're just gonna go in our room and we're gonna

I'm gonna we're just gonna go watch a movie.

- Okay? - Oh can you just do me a favor?

Can you just leave the door open. though?

Love you. Dad.

Close the door. Bob.

All the way. Bob.

She told me not to.

God. she's the daughter. Bob, not the parent.

You're in charge. not her.

What do you want me to do. eh'?

That's my little girl. That's my little girl.

I'm your little girl. Bob.

(clears throat)

Bob. do you wanna ride the Ferris Wheel. Bob?

Bob: Don't talk about the Ferris Wheel. don't talk about.

Wanna go for a ride on the Ferris Wheel?

Bob: I don't wanna Oh!

You wanna jump in the bouncy house?

You'll let me jump in the bouncy house?

Twice.

(door slams)

- (growling) - (laughing)

(screams)

♪ ("Babe" by Styx plays) ♪

- Oh. my god. - What. you finished already?

Oh. come on.

- I'm sorry. sorry. - (sighs)

What is she playing?

♪ (singing "Babe" by Styx) ♪

♪ (signing) Babe I'm leavin' ♪ ♪ I must be on my way ♪

♪ - The time is drawing near. ♪

I used to sing this to her when she was a baby.

(singing continues)

♪ - My train is going ♪

♪ - I see it in your eyes. ♪

♪ The love. the need, ♪ ♪ your tears. ♪

(cries) She she just remembers it.

♪ But I'll be lonely without you ♪

♪ And I'll need your love ♪ ♪ to see me through. ♪

She's just growing up so fast. You know?

♪ So please believe me my ♪ ♪ heart is in your hands. ♪

♪ (singing along) Cause' I'll ♪ ♪ be missing you. ♪

(hums)

(Sobs)

♪ (singing continues) You know ♪ ♪ it's you Babe. ♪

♪ Whenever I get weary ♪ ♪ and I've had enough. ♪

♪ Feel like giving up. ♪

♪ You know ♪ ♪ it's you Babe. ♪

♪ Giving me the courage and ♪ ♪ the strength I need. ♪

♪ Please believe ♪

♪ That it's true. ♪

(Sobs)

♪ Babe I love you. ♪

Goddamned yoga hosers.

(music plays)

♪ You know it's you Babe. ♪

♪ Whenever I get weary ♪ ♪ and I've had enough. ♪

♪ Feel like giving up. ♪

♪ You know it's you Babe. ♪

♪ Giving me the courage and ♪ ♪ the strength I need. ♪

♪ Please believe that it's true. ♪

(Sobs)

♪ Babe I love you. ♪

♪ Babe I love you. ♪

♪ Oooh... Babe. ♪

(school bell rings)

(whistle blows)

Ladies. Up Dog.

One. two. three.

(camera clicks)

What a farce. (snickers)

I can't believe they actually have the balls

- to try to call this Yoga. - I know.

(camera click)

Ms. Wicklund: How are ya. girls?

Ms. Wicklund. You photo bombed us.

Way hip. Ms. Wick.

What makes you two think that you can sit out

of my yoga class this morning?

(videogame music)

This isn't yoga. This is like a parody of yoga.

And our yoga instructor gave us this note to give to you. Ms. Wicklund.

We have permission to sit oot anytime you do yoga

here in Phys Ed because he doesn't want his teachings

derailed by what he calls. "The abortion of Phys Ed Yoga."

Well far be it me to argue with a strip-mall swami.

Uh. technically he's a yogi. Right?

Technically. There's a school honor policy

aboot camera phones in PE.

Both: There is?

Do any of you ladies want to be photographed by these

two while you're all sweatin' like hogs?

- All: No. - I didn't think so.

Is she talking aboot us'?

No. she's talking aboot the other two Colleens behind us.

Ms. Wicklund: I'm talkin' aboot you're entire generation.

Generation Why Me? I call it.

You live on your phones.

You have no idea how to function like normal people in the real world.

Ms. Wicklund. This isn't the real world.

This is Canada.

Ms. Wicklund: Oh. is that right. eh'?

Well. how about you save your Can-bashin' sass

for your tweets. And your Facebookins'.

And try clickin' like on this. Girls.

No phones for the rest of the day!

Both: What?

You can get 'em back at 2:45. After the last bell.

Ms. Wicklund. Our phones are who we are.

If you take away my phone like I'm some sort of pygmy in Monaco.

- Who am I supposed to be? - I feel like I'm going to pass oot.

And now Colleen M.'s having hot flashes.

Ms. Wicklund: You're on a new phone plan now. girls.

Unlimited minutes. unlimited looks to the world around you.

And no roaming charges.

So go roam. Withoot your phones!

Here I go.

(thud)

Are you happy. Ms. Wicklund? You killed Colleen.

(school bell rings)

- The gym floor was really hard. - I know. it's okay.

Greetings. Cess-bearing scholars.

Are you ready to go deep inside the annals of history?

(videogame music)

We're still talking aboot World War ll.

Fascists. Genocide.

The worst thing that has ever happened to human kind.

(Gordon sighs)

Why do we even gotta learn about this old stuff anyway. Ms. Maurice?

I mean. it happened. like. A million miles away,

like a million years ago.

Mon dieu?

You all think history is so boring.

Well. what if I told you. During World War ll.

There were Nazis right here. In Winnipeg?

All of them making preparation for the day Hitler

finally came to conquer Canada and the United States.

There were Nazis here in Canada. Ms. Maurice?

Ms. Maurice: Let's see. what can I tell you about Canadian Nazis?

Well. many years back in the 1930's there was

a great depression in the True North.

Canadians were hungry.

Some turned their hunger into anger. And they looked for

someone else to blame for the country's financial woes.

And as a result. in Toronto. The first Swastika Club opens.

A pub full of drunks. Offering up anti-Semitic rabble

aboot deporting Canadian Jews to the Hudson Bay.

Wait. they wanted to send them shopping?

Not to the Hudson Bay department store. Ms. Collette.

I'm talkin' aboot the actual Hudson Bay.

Like. Put them all oot in the water'?

That's just so wrong.

The Canadian Union of Fascists was founded right here.

In Winnipeg by a Manitoban.

And over in Quebec. you had the big kahuna of crazy himself.

The nuttiest of all nut bars. Adrien Arcand.

The self-proclaimed Canadian fuhrer.

So. this Arcand guy was. Like. Canadian Hitler?

Is that as bad as. Like. Canadian Idol?

- Nothing's as bad as Canadian Idol. - Right?

Let me take you back to a time in Canadian History

this nation has tried so very hard to forget.

In this trying time...

Ms. Maurice: Adrien Arcand was an anti-Semitic journalist

in Montreal who spearheaded a series of fascist political

movements in Quebec before the start of World War ll.

Why are you hungry?

Why are you unemployed?

Is it. as our ally in Germany. Adolf Hitler. tells us,

the fault of the Canadian Jew? Yes. it is!

(Spits)

Now Henry Hamilton Beamish suggests that to save

Canada from ethnic ruin. We must send all Canadian Jews

to Madagascar.

Instead. we at the Parti National have a better plan.

(gasping)

First. we will round up all Canadian Jews

and ship them off to the Hudson Bay.

Then we will fire cannons at their boats

and sink them!

(gasping)

Why are you not applauding?

Ms. Maurice: Naturally. These atrocious ideas

were met with derisions

from the good and mighty people of Quebec.

(spits) This plan is the shit!

(laughs evilly)

Ms. Maurice: But not everyone in attendance that day was from Quebec.

Wunderbar! Wunderbar! (laughs)

Ms. Maurice: Andronicus Arcane was a brilliant scientist

from Berlin who was teaching at the University of Lachute in Quebec

when he first heard the clarion call of the Nazi Party.

So. Adrien Arcand took Andronicus Arcane under his wing.

And soon there were more.

These jackbooted thugs would torment immigrants

and minorities throughout Montreal.

They called themselves the National Unity Party of Canada.

Which was a very polite way of saying

Canadian Nazis.

(glass shatters)

(explosion)

So what ever happened to these guys. Ms. Maurice?

They ever get caught?

In 1940 the Service de Quebec arrested Adrien Arcand.

And under the War Measures Act. Arcand was locked up

as a security threat to our home and native land.

He died in 1967 still believing Hitler would rise again.

But what aboot the man from Berlin?

Oh. Yeah. What aboot him?

Andronicus Arcane?

He was never found.

Poof! (whispers) He just disappeared.

- Both: Poof? - (school bell rings)

Perfect timing class dismissed.

(groans)

How basic.

Straight from the Eh-to-Zed it's the Mountie McBeaver Doll.

(imitates Tabitha) Oh. Where did all my beaver stuffies go?

(imitates Colleen C.) Well. frankly Tabitha.

I don't give a damn about your beavers.

Are you doing me'?

(laughs)

- That's hysterical. - I know.

C'mon. Isn't anybody on duty?

Who's dropping a doodie in my office? Oh!

(videogame music)

What a nice surprise. It's Lulu and Lemon.

Both: Good afternoon Principle Invincible.

Good afternoon. Colleen squared.

We're here for our phones.

Colleen M.: We haven't had them since PE.

Ms. Wicklund unjustly confiscated them.

And Colleen here fainted.

- I passed oot. - Oh!

Colleen C.: We're not pressing charges or anything.

We're not going crazy.

We just want our phones back now. please.

Oh. Of course girls.

And I am so. so sorry that that happened to you.

The sad tale of heart-wrenching woe.

I mean. it could win an Oscar.

Really. you could write it up, sell it, and win an Oscar.

Seriously. you could call it.

Um. Twelve Years a Private School Student.

You see what I did there?

I compared your privileged lives to slaves.

And that's weird.

'Cause I'm black.

(chuckling)

That's not funny.

Both: Sorry. Principle Invincible.

Principle Invincible: Here.

And keep your faces out of your phones.

I don't care if they do have a cool gummy rubber cover

that you can personalize.

- We have the same case! - I know.

Very trendy. my friendy. (laughs)

Oh. Ladies. I am an educator.

It is my job to shape the minds of the young and the stupid.

So I need to be able to think. Like the young and the stupid.

Which means I'm not gonna let my students be cooler than me.

I do my research. I read this rag. weekly.

Oh my god. We read that every week.

Oh. I know.

The "Famous People Are Just Like You" page is the best.

You know. when they, like, show the celebrities

doing normal things. Like. just like us.

That is the best part of Them Weekly.

One time they showed Harry Styles buying bacon.

- It was so hot. - So hot.

Okay. all right. I need to run this school.

Be good Colleens. And be nice, all right'?

There's enough haters in the world already.

Both: Yes. Principle Invincible.

Oh my god. my phone's dead, my phone's dead!

Colleen M.: Oh my god! My phone's dead!

Guy Lapointe: Children should not play with dead things.

Bonjour.

My name is Guy Lapointe.

(videogame music)

Righty-oh. So the good news is

your school library does indeed have a copy of my book.

Guy Lapointe and the Quite Queer Case of the Manitoba Manatee.

The bad news is. regrettably. Some naughty student

has decided to deface it by changing the word "Guy"

and adding in "A" so that it says "Gay".

(chuckling)

And also.

They added a set of testicles right under my nose.

- You see that? You see that? - (laughing)

With that kind of. You know, awful poking hair,

I don't know why. Sticking out of them.

You can put it down now.

Guy: Oh. Okay.

Haters have got to hate. Like the douches have to douche.

That's the life. Right there in a nutshell.

I'm not referring to that nutshell either.

I don't know if you guys remember this.

But you know we did meet once before. Do you?

- Oh. We remember you. - Guy: You do?

Yeah. you came to Eh-2-Zed with that American girl

and that podcaster.

Yeah. You're the legendary man hunter from Quebec.

Yes. I am that man.

The man who saved the Winnipeg Walrus.

Guy: Wow. you know something? That's a very good title.

Guy Lapointe and the Winnipeg Walrus.

Goddammit. I should've chose that title.

But. you know, still, we did okay without it. I mean...

One critic even described my book as. like.

You know. like a uh, John Grisham-ist thriller

who was set in the Canada.

That review I showed to my mother.

- Aw. - Mm.

And you know, that was. like, the good one, and the rest of them were

not so kind. you see.

I read one from the Toronto Paper that said.

"This is what happens when you publish poop."

(giggling)

People can be goddamn mean. You know?

(giggling)

Sorry. That was very rude.

Sorry aboot that.

Right. on to my questions then.

Do either of you recognize

this very proud and quite hairy Canadian?

That was that giant fart that called us yoga hosers.

- Oh. Toilet Paper Man. - Yeah.

Why Toilet Paper Man?

Cause he bought toilet paper.

- He bought toilet paper. - Duh.

And for this reason alone you call this man the Toilet Paper Man?

- Well. yeah. - Yeah.

I don't mean to be a critic. Maybe I do.

Maybe you need to be hurt.

I'm telling you now. that is one of the stupidest names

I ever heard in my life. Very unimaginative.

- That's pretty rude. - Yeah.

This man's name is the Francois Jois.

He's from Gatineau. Quebec. And he was a fugitive

from the law. and he was hiding out right here.

Hiding from what?

He was hiding from the investigating prowess of

the Service de Quebec. Which is kind of a joke.

Because. like, they couldn't find their own butt holes

even with. like, a butt hole application on their telephone

to find their butt hole.

Okay.

I probably shouldn't say butt hole

to two 14-year-old girls. I'm so sorry.

We're 15 and a half.

Well. whatever.

(gasp)

You sold a roll of Eh-2-Zed discount brand bathroom tissue

to the Toilet Paper Man at what time?

Right aboot closing.

Yeah. he was all mad because we had the store closed

for. like, five minutes 'cause we were going to the bathroom.

You went to the bathroom together?

Colleen M.: Well. yeah.

I had to poop and I don't like to go alone there. The toilet's weird.

So while she's pooping.

You're sitting there with her?

Yeah. we're best friends. Yeah.

Why would we not'?

That's quite disgusting.

(chuckling)

Best of luck on your academic journey.

Um. I don't know what you plan to do in life.

But I can promise you that you won't need algebra.

I knew it.

Good day.

Well. wait. What'd Toilet Paper Man do?

Oh.

So. Toilet Paper Man was killed.

Oh my god.

He was cut into. Like. a hundred pieces.

Ew. no way.

Well anyway. you two girls with the same name,

I thank you so much for your time.

And I give you the Au Revoir

that I should have given you before.

I thank you.

Okay.

Ew. Why did your dad text me. like, 37 times?

Oh my god. He's making us work tonight.

(Bob laughs)

Colleen C.: You're going to Niagara Falls?

Yup. Cruising like a couple of Californians. How bout that?

- Right now? - Yeah.

Colleen C.: You can't leave.

It's Niagara Falls. Colleen.

We're settin' sail on the Maid of the Mist.

When did this happen?

Oh. Tabitha surprised me with it

as an early birthday present this morning.

Both: Tabitha.

Bob: Okay. you listen to me.

I left you 10 messages and a bushel of texts.

I'm sorry. but you gotta work at the store tonight.

We can't. actually.

Yes. you can. Colleen M., 'cause I cleared it with your mom

and you're going to be staying with the McKenzies until Sunday morning.

Mr. Collette. we got invited to a grade 12 party tonight.

Do you not remember?

All I remember is Tabitha telling me somethin' about

flying to Niagara Falls. and after that it is a blur of bliss.

(laughs)

Tabitha: So happy. Bob.

I'll get that for ya. I love the leopard print.

I love the leopard print.

Okay girls. you're gonna be working from six pm

until closing and don't forget

to set the alarm before you lock up. okay?

You did this on purpose. Didn't you?

You could have taken him any day. but you picked today.

Just so we couldn't go to the party.

I have no idea what you're talking aboot. Colleen.

(gasp)

Goddamned yoga hosers.

I love you so much. Cauliflower. I love you so much.

Listen. no boys. no boys. No bull, no boys, no boys.

- Okay. I gotta go. - Colleen C.: Dad. Dad!

- Dad. (chuckles) Dad! You can't leave.

- Come on. please. - Dad. we have...

(singing "Babe" by Styx)

No!

(singing "Babe" by Styx)

(screaming)

Oh. my god!

Yogi: No. no. no. no, no.

Oh. you are killing me, do you understand me'?

Killing me!

Bark all you want. Lawyer pants USA.

I am not ceasing or desisting.

Oh. ls that so?

Well. I think you're being rather obtuse and super fruity.

So let's just say Namaste. And leave it at that. eh?

Namaste.

You piece of beaver shit.

Colleen M.: Beaver shit?

(takes deep breath) (chanting)

Sorry. girls.

I am so sorry you girls had to hear that parasite

stealing my energies. With his legal entitlement.

Why does that lawyer from Warner Brothers even

keep calling you Yogi Bayer'?

Oh. who knows?

He says there's some cartoon character that I'm violating.

I mean. how can you violate a cartoon?

How do you own a cartoon. right'?

Both: Yeah.

It's like a thing that doesn't exist. It's like owning a leprechaun.

Both: Rude.

So rude. Okay. let's get back into it.

Enough Sasketoonin'.

(clears throat) Let's get back into our Warrior One.

Up to Perfection. Colleen C.. Hold that pose Colleen M..

Hold it.

Warrior Two.

Come and get me now. You serenity stealers.

All you need to handle any situation in life.

Are the Warrior One and Warrior Two positions. girls.

Okay?

Master those and you will master anyone who gives you shit.

Now let's go Lotus for our closing meditation.

Yoga teaches us to take what the universe gives.

And what?

- Colleen C.: Embrace it? - Nope.

Fight against it. You fight against it.

Yoga demands that we grab the universe by the throat

and we just choke it until it bends to our will.

We inflict yoga on our enemies until they join us in peace.

Always be peaceful change girls.

But if you have to. you destroy everything that threatens

anyone or anything that you love by hook or by crook.

That's the yoga way.

Both: Wow.

Please join me in a final prayer.

Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.

All: Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.

Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.

And sorry not sorry. Confetti feel.

Radio Host: Caller. go ahead.

Caller: Oh. hey Bob, big fan and a first time caller...

Hey. pack of True North Menthol.

(slaps on counter)

Those are lights.

Both: Sorry aboot that.

You know girls. That's just not very Canadian.

C'mon Robin. Let's get out of here.

Caller: When is one's virginity technically lost'?

(creepy mumbling)

Like when what is the process

when you're going through the sex process

of losing virginity. That process?

How can one come out at the end and then say like...

(ringtone plays)

- Hunter's calling. - So answer.

(music plays through phone)

Hello?

Hunter: Colleen McKenzie!

Hunter.

Hunter: Where you at?

You're missing a killer grade 12 party over here.

Please don't hate us. but we got called into work tonight.

Hunter: That sucks.

Yeah. it really sucks.

Because there's like. Nobody here tonight either.

- (ding) - Holy shit.

What?

We could have a party right here.

(screaming)

Hunter. Hello. This is Colleen C.

We unfortunately cannot make it to your party tonight

but we want to invite you to another party...

Both: At Eh-2-Zed.

(can clatters)

Hold on. this shit's loud, let me go in the bedroom

so I can hear.

Ah ha. sweet. Sweet dude.

- (turns music down)

You want me to bring the party to you guys?

Won't your dad flip if we're drinkin' beers in the 'Zed?

Oh. don't you worry aboot that.

My dad's long gone in Niagara Falls with the store manager.

And bring beers. We don't have any booze here.

Did you say boobs?

Colleen M.: Booze-uh. Booze-uh.

What time should we head to the Zed?

Colleen M.: Nine o'clock?

Perfect. We'll be there.

- And I can't wait... - (glass shatters)

to see you. Colleen M.

Show you what I'm really all aboot.

Gordon: What the hell was that?

Hunter: Here we go.

Going to the Zed again is so stupid.

(screams)

Sorry.

Now. follow me on this. Gordon.

These girls just gift-wrapped themselves for us.

We were gonna have to dig shallow graves

after we cut 'em up. Now we're goin' to their store.

We kill 'em in the store. Shit, we can take our time,

do it right.

We can leave their bodies right between the Pucky Charms

and the Chug-a-lugs.

And all we gotta do is take the money from the register.

Break some shit on the way oot...

And make it look like a failed robbery gone bad. eh?

These stupid sophomore bitches want to have a party at the Zed?

- We'll give 'em a party at the Zed. - (unsheathes blade)

Their farewell party. yo.

(rattles locked door)

Colleen M.: Where should I kiss Hunter tonight?

Ew. lips only.

I mean. in the store?

Keep it tasteful. McKenzie. Don't whore him on the first date.

Casual. not contrived.

You give the best advice.

You're my best friend in the whole world.

Aw. you're mine.

(knocking)

Hear that?

That's our destiny knocking at the backdoor.

(taking deep breaths)

Both: Hi.

Ladies. we are here to cordially accept your invitation

to party hardy.

Both: We?

Gordon: Party. yeah!

What's he doing here?

And where's everybody else?

(door slams)

Hmm. where's everybody else?

Well. when I made the other seniors

the same very generous offer you made me

to move the party here.

Yeah. they all laughed at you.

Tonya Simmons said. and I quote.

(imitates girl) "A party at the scummy Eh-2-Zed"

with those two little girls from honors history?

"No way. eh?"

(imitates girl) "I'd rather kiss Gordon Greenleaf."

I'd rather kiss...

She didn't say that. man.

She was thinkin' it.

Anyways. I've never been much of a follower.

So I left all those losers behind

and came here to hang with you two.

You left your own party?

Parties are basic. This is better.

This is what they call in the states. a kickback.

States. Eh?

And. I brought Gordon so Colleen C. would have

someone to talk to while little Miss Colleen M. gives me

a private tour.

(gasp)

Looks like it's just us. eh?

Maybe we should form the Just Us League?

A little kickback hookup.

Yeah... heh. (thud)

So this is the Eh-2-Zed backroom. again.

(sighs)

(thud)

Epic.

Colleen and I call it the Highway to Hell.

'Cause Eh-2-Zed's right through that door.

And Eh-2-Zed's pretty much our hell.

Highway to Hell?

Mm-Hmm.

Wow. (chuckles)

Devil talk always gives me goosebumps.

Oh?

See.

See.

Yeah.

You believe in Satan?

I used to believe in Santa. Does that count?

(moaning) (gulps)

(sigh) So basic.

Mmmmm.

Me and Gordon are way into Satan.

Ooh.

Kind of like how you and Colleen are way into yoga.

Or your band'?

Yeah.

Now. the good news is that we're Canadian Satanists.

So we don't go in for any of that touchy stuff.

Your virtue stays intact.

It's gotta. You know why?

Why?

You see. Satan seeks his souls pure.

And there are no virgins in grade 12.

- Mm-hmm. - All the virgins are in grade 10.

Well. I've just been waiting for the right person.

In the right place.

You are so adorable. McKenzie. You think I want your body?

I don't want your body.

I just want your untouched. Virgin soul.

Okay.

But. well, the shit sandwich of it all,

(unsheathes blade)

I kinda gotta cut you open to get to it.

Oh.

You know. I'll be right back. Just one sec.

Colleen!

(slam)

I thank you for your sacrifice. Colleen M.

Every pure soul I give to Satan brings me one step closer

to meeting the beast and that's gonna be so metal.

(Click)

' (ripping) ' (squeals)

What the hell's that?

That's my mom's date knife pointed at your balls.

Okay.

Is that enough metal for you. Or do you want more?

Oh. no. no. no, no. Can we talk aboot this?

Talk to The Mohel.

Okay. okay.

Put the knife down. pretty boy.

- Okay. knife's down. - (knife clatters to floor)

(Click)

(gasp) I guess I got a little carried away there.

(chuckles)

Sorry aboot that.

And I was gonna let you get to second base.

(ripping)

(screams)

Hunter: There's something inside of me.

(stomach gurgling)

- Are you okay? - Help me.

(crash)

(gurgling)

(squishing)

Oh my god!

Wunderbar!

Colleen?

Colleen?

Here we go.

Colleen?

Colleen?

McKenzie?

(ripping)

(stomach gurgling)

(hammer thuds)

(screams)

Gordon. please. Stop begging. okay?

You are not getting any.

My ass.

Gordon. I swear to God. If you puke. you're cleaning it up.

(stomach gurgling)

Somethin' just crawled up in my ass!

(cries)

ls this what happens when you smoke weed?

(screams)

(gurgling)

Oh no!

(squishing)

(crack)

(thud)

Oh my god.

(creaking)

(slurping)

Uh. Colleen?

(squish)

Wunderbar!

(screams)

(creepy mumbling)

(maniacal laughing)

(click) (screams)

(heavy breathing)

Hey.

What the hell was that?

Nein. Nein. Nein. nein.

Nein.

- Sh... Sheisse! - Oh hell no!

(creepy yelling)

- Shut up. - Nein! - Shut up!

(beeps) (whirs)

Nein. Nein. Nein!

- Nein. Nein. Nein. nein, nein! - (banging)

Auf Wiedersehen.

(Splats)

(screams) (microwave beeping)

Did you know Hunter Calloway was religious?

(smack) (screams)

(creepy mumbling)

Oh you piece of shit!

(maniacal laughing)

Shut up!

- Pull. - Ew. no.

- Pull! - Okay. okay, okay, okay.

- (creepy mumbling) - (screaming)

Nein stretchy. Nein stretchy!

(groans) (Squishing)

Uhh.. Ah.

Ahh... Ahhh.

Mein Kampf. (gasps)

(creaking door)

(zaps)

(Whimpers)

(screams)

Security lights.

(phone ringing)

Dispatcher: 911. eh?

Hello? We're being attacked by little sausage men.

With concentrated sauerkraut for blood.

That look like Adolf Hitler. Go.

Dispatcher: Oh. Hitler. eh?

Well. he sure is a nasty camper.

Worse than Dr. Doom and Darth Vader combined.

(chuckles) Yeah. boy.

Shut up. old man.

Send a bunch of cops to the Eh-2-Zed on Portage and Wayne

- and bring some body bags. - Little ones.

Hurry!

- Hello? Hello? - (line dead tone)

Goddamned yoga hosers.

(creepy mumbling)

Wunderbar.

Man.

We've got wieners.

Check over there.

- (creepy mumbling) - Wunderbar!

Seriously?

Sausage party.

I don't wanna die in Canada!

We're not gonna die in Canada.

- There's no other way oot! - There's always another way.

The Yoga Way.

- The Yoga Way? - The Yoga Way.

Okay. Warrior One.

- Hold it. McKenzie. Hold it. - Okay.

Warrior Two. back to back.

Das frauleins!

Now. on Warrior Three. We yoga the shit out of these

- bratwurst bitches. Okay? - Okay.

Warrior three.

- (screams) - (squishing)

(gasps)

(yells in German)

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

(screams)

Schnell!

Nein! Nein! Nein!

- Sheisse! - (squishing)

- Take off! (screams) - Nein. Wunderbar!

(screams)

(Splat)

Thank you.

Yo.

Slapshot.

(Slapping) (squishing)

I've got aboot 10 left.

Colleen M.: I've got aboot the same.

Then let's drop that puck. Go!

(yelling) (splatting)

(squishing)

(screaming)

(yelling)

(screams)

(squishing)

(rock music playing)

Nein! Nein! Nein! (screams) (splats)

(panting)

Both: Wow.

- (screaming) - (guns cocking)

Officer: Freeze. Hands up. Hands up.

Officer 2: Don't you move. You goddamn yoga hosers!

Officers: RCMP. freeze.

Colleen M.: This is so basic.

This is beyond basic.

(camera clicks)

- So basic. - Shh.

Stop it. I'm itchy.

Stop it.

All right. C'mon. c'mon, c'mon.

All right. You got aboot ten minutes before the RCMP come back.

I'll try to stall 'em as long as I can.

You know. thank you very much for doing this.

I cannot know how to repay you for this.

No. No. Thank you. Look. this book, is my bible.

And you're like a goddamn Canadian Batman. Eh?

Oh. That is so touching. I cannot believe.

I'll stall for a second.

(door shuts)

Um. I thought that maybe you might need a stiff drink.

You saw my mom? Where is she?

Well. she's out there and she's trying to post bail. You know.

Your father. who's name I think is Bob Collette.

They are having a heck of a time getting in touch with that man.

He's in Niagara Falls.

The RCMP will not let your mommy

bail you out of here because the RCMP don't ever let.

Eh. serial killers out on bail.

And they're saying that you are both

the serial killers because you killeded those...

Those eh. two boys, you know.

You killed the absolute shit out of them.

But we didn't kill the boys.

We didn't kill anybody.

They were gonna kill us.

- They were devil worshipers. - Yeah.

I don't really know much about the devil. but there we go.

Both: (groaning)

Somebody sure put their poop-holes through hell. You know?

We didn't do this.

Who did then?

It was the Bratzis.

Bratzis?

I want to know what this Bratzi is. What is a Bratzi?

It's like a foot-tall Canadian Nazi and it's made of Bratwurst.

They have concentrated sauerkraut for blood.

And they dress like Mountie Beaver stuffies.

Are you guys tripping on the pot?

I mean do you even hear how crazy that sounds?

Yes. So I go down to the old Eh-2-Zed

and I will look around myself. You know?

Guy Lapointe style. and you want to know what I believe now?

What?

- I believe that I believe you. - (gasps)

You saw them?

Guy: Yeah. I saw only this. You know.

It was buried in a wad of cheese at the back of the microwave.

I found this.

What's this?

This is a land purchase agreement signed in 1939

by the self-proclaimed Canadian Fuhrer.

Adrien Arcand.

For 100 acres in the Winnipegs.

On this now sits a little store that could be

very near and dear to your hearts. I think so.

- Lulu Lemon? - He's talking about the Zed.

Oh.

Guy: Canadian Nazis were the original land owners

of that piece of land where that store is now.

And it is my theory that these horrific monsters never left.

That's why I need both of you to help me solve this

quite queer case of the untold tale

buried beneath the Canadian convenience store.

Which is probably what I should call the book. I think.

Okay. so. When do we get out of here?

We don't get out of here. I do.

You don't. Because you're in the jail.

"Right? ' (sighs)"

I'm gonna speak to this fool in French for a second.

Excuse me.

(speaking French) I can get you inside the Eh-2-Zed.

(speaking English) As you said. I can get myself inside the Eh-2-Zed

quite easily. little kitty cat woman smarty pantsies.

(speaking French) But you need me to show you the secret passageway.

(speaking English) She's saying that I need her for the secret passageway.

What secret passageway?

The Colleen who doesn't speak the French

has never heard of the passageway.

(speaking French) My Dad showed only me the secret passageway.

And I'll take you there.

But you have to get us out of here.

Understand?

(speaking French) Shit...

(speaking English) That means shit.

(foreboding music)

Aw it's Hunter's chalk line.

Ew.

Maybe we should Instagram it.

Ooh. right?

Uh. Mr. Lapointe? Can we have our phones back now?

You want your phones?

No. I didn't steal your phones.

You didn't get our phones?

Do you mean that when I was illegally breaking you out of the jail

that I forgot to steal your precious telephones.

Is that what you're trying to say?

Well. I'm sorry I'm so selfish.

Right?

How can I ever make it up to you?

Well. you can start by letting us change out of these prison rags.

Yeah. they make us look fat.

You listen to me. You Lady Gagas.

You know that this is not a photograph shoot

for the Canadian Vogue.

And I did not bring for you wardrobe styles

with all that frilly business. So what would you like to do?

Well. We have our Yoga clothes and backup smocks

in the bathroom. can we at least go change into that?

Yeah. and I'll take that over this.

Orange is the New Black bullshit any day.

You have one Manitoban minute.

And then you will show me the secret passage way.

So you must hurry up.

Hey. oh whoa. No poopie stuff.

Both: Ew.

Okay. Colleen. seriously, why didn't you tell me about

this secret passageway? That's so cool.

Seriously. there is no secret passageway.

I'm pretty sure there is a secret passageway.

You said there was.

I'm pretty sure I only said that to get us oot of jail. Colleen. God.

If we don't prove the Bratzis exist. We're going away for murder.

Colleen M.: But what do we do aboot Guy Lapointe?

Colleen C.: I don't know. Colleen. I guess it's time

to tell him there is no secret passageway.

(munches)

(screams)

- (slashing)

(piercing) - Oh!

- (screams) - Das boo!

(grinding)

(laughs evilly)

(Yawns)

Oh. you're awake.

Wunderbar. Wunderbar.

Bratzis: Wunderbar. Wunderbar.

Bratzis. no?

Both: Bratzis.

I would like to welcome you.

To my Canadian Subterranean Stronghold.

Located 37 feet below the surface of Winnipeg.

Und I am Andronicus Arcane.

That's that guy Ms. Maurice told us aboot in Honors History.

The man from Berlin?

Poof. He disappeared.

Poop?

Adronicus: Yah. frauleins. I am from Berlin.

This is why I have an accent that sounds

both scary und creepy. (laughs)

So in an effort to make our future communications

less spooky and more friendly.

I will now be speaking only in the voice

of American movie star. Al Pacino. (chuckles)

(coughs)

(imitates Al Pacino) I bet all you need are the dulcet tones

of one of Hollywood's greatest living actors.

Hoowah.

Do you know what. that's not a half-bad Al Pacino there.

Thank you.

- Who? - Al Pacino.

Al Pacino. he was an American president?

- Oh. - Geez.

You see. the Third Reich imprisoned me here

inside this Canadian Subterranean Stronghold.

To build a clone army that would conquer Canada

and the United States of America.

Hoowah.

I used my own DNA and made the clone bodies from

the finest bratwurst and sauerkraut direct from Deutschland.

So in 1945. I initiated

the 100 year-long incubation process.

And I put myself on ice. In a cryogenic chamber,

timed to wake up when my little wiener babies

were full-grown clones.

(slams shut) (whirring)

But 70 years later...

Colleens: We've got real def. rhythms.

And fresh new jams.

You say we got egos...

The little Colleens would change everything

simply by singin' a song.

(electricity sparks)

Goddamn it. Ichabod.

How much did you plug into that socket?

You told me to plug everything into that soocket.

We're 14 years old. Ichabod.

Yeah. what are we supposed to know about physics. Ichabod?

You guys wouldn't talk to me this way if I was covered in tattoos.

Andronicus: The power outage in the Eh-2-Zed that night.

Shorted out my ancient Canadian Subterranean Generator.

(Zapping)

So I woke up prematurely from my cryogenic slumber.

But the incubation process had also been interrupted...

Papa.

Forever stunting the growth of my wiener babies.

My life's work was a failure.

Hoowah.

That's so sad.

(normal voice) Yeah. maybe it would be less sad coming from

American tough guy. Sylvester Stallone. (chuckles)

(clears throat)

(imitates Sylvester Stallone) So. you know.

Even though making clones was my life's work.

It wasn't my passion. you know?

Colleen C.: This guy sounds like Groot.

No. he was being Sylvester Stallone.

Who?

So. anyway, before I got into science

and before the war.

And then before I met Adrien Arcand. I was like.

"Yo. Adrien."

Adrian was the wife in the movie of the Rocky Rambo.

He's very good.

And before the Nazi No-good-nicks took over my life.

I was an artist. you know?

And my art was sculpting. You know.

I'd chip away at the marble

until it was beautiful to me. You know?

I loved being an artist.

Except for one thing.

I'm talkin' about the goddamned critics. you know?

They told me I had no talent. They told me I stink on ice.

They're so negative and hurtful. They cut me. man.

They drove me away from doing the thing I really love to do.

Ya know. being who I am.

That's when I found Adrien Arcand and Canadian Nazis

and. you know, Hitler.

Both: Oh.

Right?

You know that this man is not a puppy on the internet?

(normal voice) Maybe my Stallone is too aggressive

I will switch to a Hollywood impression that is less threatening.

(Andronicus clears throat)

(imitates Arnold Schwarzenegger) So. I didn't want to be

a Nazi for the rest of my life.

(indistinct chatter)

The exit tunnel of my Canadian Subterranean Stronghold

got me to the backroom of the Eh-2-Zed.

And one night. after closing. I took my first steps

into a brave new world.

(laughs evilly)

So. every night after the store closed,

I would make myself at home in the Eh-2-Zed backroom.

Where I learned to speak English and do voices.

By watching every single thing on Netflix.

(imitates Arnold Schwarzenegger) I'll be...

I'll be back.

And I discovered that this modern world worships popular.

Arts and entertainment.

I'll be back. I'll...

(imitates Ed Wynn) So, for the past six months.

I've been sculpting again. Don't ya know?

Sculpting up a storm with the help of my wicked little wiener babies.

Bratzis: Wunderbar!

May I present the debut of my first new work in decades.

It's a sculpture celebrating my beloved

adopted home of Canada.

I call it. the Goalie Golem.

(gasps)

(clapping)

So. what does everybody think?

Well. I will tell you

that this giant Canada man is very bold.

And it's a real statement. You know?

Mm-hmm.

It captures perfectly that kind of essence

of the True North. you know.

Oh. thank you.

But it also captures the actual people that you killed

in the sculpture as well. Regrettably.

Hmm.

So I'm thinking that we should all be very afraid right now.

But. Mr. Lapointe, you and the Colleens

were never in any jeopardy.

You see. I brought the Colleens here to help me.

I have a need for their very specialized skills.

Um. I don't mean to be mean.

But I don't know who this is either.

(normal voice) Rats.

Do you want to try doing someone we might recognize?

Hmm.

Uh. do you know the actor who played the Batman?

I can do him too. (chuckles)

(clears throat)

(imitates Adam West) You see girls. Each night as I slaved away

over my masterpiece. One dream fueled me.

Uh. that does not sound like Batman.

Yeah. Batman sounds like...

(imitates Christian Bale Batman) Where's the trigger? Uhh.

Where's the trigger?

Both: Uh. where's the trigger?

Uh... (laughing)

No you don't understand. He's doing the original.

The real Batman from the televisions. Adam West's Batman.

- Wasn't it'? - Yes.

It's supposed to sound like...

(imitates Christian Bale Batman) Uh. where's the trigger. Joker?

Uh uh. Where's the trigger?

Do you know he never once said that line to the Joker.

So just stop it.

The only thing I've dreamed of for the past six months

is looking at a photograph of me standing proudly

next to my sculpture on the "Famous People are Just Like You"

page of Them Weekly magazine.

Oh my god. he reads it too!

Isn't that page. like, the best?

One time. they showed Harry Styles buying bacon.

- It was so hot. - It was so hot.

And this is my Harry Styles buying bacon moment.

(Click)

(Clicks)

Now you are pleased to photograph me

for Them Weekly magazine.

You're kidding!

You're never going to believe this. Mr. Old Man. but

we don't have our phones.

What? Nein. nein. nein. nein, nein.

So much nein it's almost 10.

How can this be? You always have with the phones.

The cops took our phones.

(chuckles)

Surely you must have a phone. Herr Guy.

My phone has no camera.

Andronicus: What the fudge? (chuckles)

So. nobody has a camera.

I guess we have to go directly to phase two of my master plan.

(mumbling)

(laughs)

Fly my pretties, Fly! C'mon.

Wunderbar!

Andronicus: That's right. yes. Wiener babies, let's go!

C'mon. c'mon.

Let's all go to the lobby. Let's all go to the lobby.

Both: Whoa.

(They're just following orders. That's all they're doing. [laughs)

And okay for you. Mr. Straggler. Now you inside there.

(mumbling echoes)

Now. my wiener babies. Bring mein art to life.

Rise. rise!

Rise!

Yeah that's what I'm talkin' about. baby!

Both: Wow. Guy: Wow.

That's the same thing that.

Them Weekly magazine is gonna feel

when they see this baby.

(maniacal laughing)

For tonight he is going to start his bloody rampage

across the True North.

Killing every art critic in Canada.

Both: What?

Go my Goalie Golem.

Go kill the critics and all the haters that gotta hate.

Oh. I hate those haters.

- You can't let him do this. - You've gotta stop him.

Let me just hang on a minute. Let's...

He's not talking about killing real people.

He's just talking about killing critics.

Mr. Lapointe!

Andronicus: Let it go! Use the ladder!

- Go my Goalie Golem! - (thudding)

(Andronicus laughs)

- We can do this. - Yeah.

We don't need his help.

We do tons of stupid stuff without adults.

- Both: All the time. - All the time.

It's just a bunch of Bratzis in a giant suit.

And we beat a bunch of Bratzis before. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Okay but what are we gonna do aboot Guy Lapointeless over here?

This epic fail? (groans)

Unhand me. Unhand!

Okay all we have to do is do every yoga pose.

Yogi Bayer ever taught us.

That's your plan?

What in the heck did your yogurt instructor teach you?

He taught us to destroy everything that threatens

anything and anyone you love. By hook or by crook.

And that's the Yoga Way. Frenchie. Let's go.

Wunderbar. wunderbar, wunderbar!

Hey Bratzi Party.

We wanna have a Weenie Roast.

(mumbling) Wunderbar!

Nein. Das frauleins!

(stomping)

Wunderbar. Wunderbar. Wunderbar...

Nein. nein, nein, nein, nein, nein.

You're objective is not the Colleens. it's the critics.

- Golem: Nein wunderbar? - Nein wunderbar.

This is all bad. This is all wrong.

I give you two thumbs down.

Golem: Das frauleins.

As your maker. I command you to crush all the critics

and the negative peoples

and the haters who gotta hate. hate, hate.

Golem: Mein Heiny.

What you waiting for? Golem: Haha..

I command you to kill a negative critic right now!

Golem: Okey dokey. Papa.

Oh. Sheisse.

(squishing)

(gasps)

They just killed their dad.

Golem: Wunderbar. wunderbar, wunderbar...

All right. I'd say we got his attention.

Boss stage. biotch.

Wunderbar!

Warrior one!

Now. warrior two, back to back.

Okay. now warrior three...

We crush King Koopa and save Princess Peach.

Yeah okay. Warrior three!

(belches)

(thuds)

(yelling)

- Shit! (swoosh)

- Atlas Shrugged! - (burps)

- Atlas Shrugged!

(burps)

(thuds)

Dissatisfied customer!

(screams)

"I don't like the product you've given me!"

(screams)

So. this is yoga.

(yelling)

Both: Warrior Two!

- Yoga Fett? - Yoga Fett.

Both: Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett. Yoga Fett.

(roars)

(panting)

Basic. right?

So basic.

Golem: Ah Schwein!

(yelling)

(panting)

- You okay? - I'm okay.

- Are you okay? - It's been a long night.

Hey!

You big bear riding a bulldozer!

Golem: Wunderbar. Wunderbar.

Why don't you pick on somebody your own size huh?

Wunderbar!

Don't come to me.

Wunderbar. Wunderbar. Wunderbar.

Auf Wiedersehen!

(laughs)

Three-legged Dog!

Golem: What the...

(groans)

Two-Legged Dog. In a Push Cart.

(screams)

Mein spine! (gasps)

Of all the times not to have our phones.

Right?

(panting)

- (screams) - (squishing)

I am so sorry ladies. But I seem

to have dropped my book onto your wiener.

(laughing)

(snorts) (laughing)

No, no, no, no, no!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But this is getting ridiculous.

Now you're telling me that you own Boo Boo Bayers too?

How can Warner Brothers own something

that I just made up last week?

No. I did!

Yes. out of my own brain.

Smarter than what average bear?

No. No. No. I...

Sorry. sorry, may I speak? Is it my turn to speak?

I think you need to find some inner peace.

Mr. Yelling Lawyer Man.

So why don't you shove your head up your anus

- and look for it? Namaste. - (phone beeps)

(groans) Piece of shit.

(knocking on door)

Man: Young ladies. Young ladies.

Might I just tell you I am a huge. huge, huge fan.

Out! Get out! Take off!

- I'm a fan! - Shoo!

No. No. No. you go!

- Man: What am I. a dog? - Yogi: Shoo, get going!

- No. go, go! - But I want to see them!

You're smudging my glass with your perverted energy. go!

Sorry aboot that. girls.

I'm very incredibly satisfied by those dissatisfied customers.

No. We don't want it. right?

(claps) And release.

Sorry about that guy. Yogi Bayer.

No. No. No. do not be sorry. That is not the yoga way.

In yoga. you're right and they're wrong.

Savasana. ladies. Savasana.

You know. I am so proud of you girls.

You really legitimized this place

and brought honor to the sacred strip mall yoga dojo

and a 60 percent increase in walking traffic to boot!

My two best pupils.

Both faced the ultimate evil. the yoga way.

And you kicked it's little Nazi assner.

(chuckles)

You girls are my kind of superheroes.

And when I grow up.

I want to be as colossal as the Colleens.

- Thanks. Yogi. - Thanks.

Stop it. you're going to make me cry.

- (ringtone plays) - Phones?

- You're on speaker phone. Dad. - Hi. Mr. Collette!

Bob: You've got work tonight!

(groans)

Ooh. Lucky you.

You ready?

Already have a sign.

- Oh my god. Colleen! - What?

Add another heart!

- Jesus. - (pen squeaks)

- Better? - Better.

- Ready? - Ready.

(ROCK music plays)

♪ (singing "Oh Canada") ♪

En Francois!

♪ (singing in French) ♪

(GUITAR SOLO)

♪ (singing "Oh Canada") ♪

Kevin: Welcome to Smodcast. I'm Kevin Smith.

Scott: Scott Mosier.

Kevin: Hey. Scott. So. from Edmonton.

Good ol' YEG.

A team of police officers were opening.

- Scott: Open up. Yoga hoser! - (laughing)

Kevin: Yoga hoser. Genius.

Scott: Do you guys want some twig tea?

(laughing)

You look like you could use some.

Kevin: You look like a poutine eater.

(laughing)

I enjoy a good poutine now and then?

- Scott: Yeah. who doesn't? - Kevin: Hey. hey, hey.

Don't engage with this guy. Damn yoga hoser.

(laughing)

Don't go down the road with him.

(laughing)

We got a database of yoga hosers.

(laughing)

You're the termites of Canada.

God damn you hosers.

Scott: Gnawing away at the foundation of this great country.

(laughing)

With your smoky incense and your patchouli. (laughing)

It smells like a Chinese brothel in here!

(laughter)

It's really hard out here for a yoga hoser. man.

I want to start a podcast.

(laughing)

Kevin: That's Smodcast for this week.

- I'm Kevin Smith. - Scott: Scott Mosier.

Kevin: Have a week!