Original subtitles

So, I looked at a bunch of houses, and I think I've found the best one.

It's perfect. I'm gonna send you the link.

And then, we should just go ahead and get it

'cause it's the best one.

Abby, the house looks amazing,

and the thought of a trip is exciting,

but turning 50 is so not a big deal to me.

I had a patient this week who is in knots about turning 40.

The feedback I offered her, as corny as it sounds, is:

"Age is truly just a number."

I mean, you're only as old as you feel, right?

Why stress about it?

Fuck, that's hot!

I always love Hawaii.

You know what? I catered Jack Johnson's birthday party,

and he said I could use his beach house there.

Okay, here are my top picks: Napa...

a resort in Arizona, or Napa.

Well, all I can say is thank God you're planning this,

'cause you know Brian is not gonna do shit for her 50th.

You know Brian would just take her to Macaroni Grill,

and then she'd have to drive home because he had too much to drink.

Fucking Brian.

Oh, my God, this trip sounds so fun.

And it's so great everyone can get together.

-You're coming, right? -No.

Mama needs to rock out with her cock out.

Also, Mama needs to stop referring to herself in the third person.

And maybe ease up on the cock drops.

I just want this to feel like a regular vacation.

You know, like... just sit around, talk

and drink wine and laugh and... wear muumuus...

And just somewhere in there, I'll just kind of slide into 50.

You know, I just want it to be super chill,

-no big deal-- -Die!

Brian, could you turn that down?

No, I'm sorry, Rebecca, but it is officially a big deal.

It's your half-centennial.

I'm not gonna let this go by without doing something big.

Okay... I'm gonna cut my bangs.

I really wanna make this work. Honestly, I'm just so grateful

that you guys still want me to come after I bailed on the last one.

God, it's just, like, the flying and that random house, you know?

It just, like, gives me anxiety.

Other people's bathrooms... Oh, God!

Weird bedspreads...

You... do still want me to come, right?

Wall-to-wall carpeting, the remote...

You know what? I wish I'd never seen that Dateline

with the blacklight where they showed where the semen was.

Is a flower in the hair too much for solo dining?

I need to get out and take my new knees for a spin.

Val, yes, work those new knees!

-Out! -I just wanna meet a nice lady

and I wanna make out for a while and then spoon a little bit...

And then that spooning can turn into a real spirited sixty-nining.

Have you ever tried a position called the 1,000?

It's a sexy one.

It's when 1,000 kids are in your bed,

and the only touch you feel is a tiny sweaty foot to the back.

Speaking of sexy, I share my bed with a CPAP machine.

Things we say now.

I'm in H&M trying on some party clothes.

I can't wait to see you guys and pinch all your butts...

with consent.

See you soon!

And, well, you know, we'll figure out money when we get there.

Keep it in your pants till I see you.

Bye, I love you!

-What? -No, I'm on the phone.

Bye, and remember, don't make this a big deal.

-I just told my driver that I loved him. -Somebody hang up.

All right, love you, guys, too. Bye!

Still not sure I'm coming.

Okay.

Here we are.

I hope it's perfect.

I don't know, it had very good reviews online.

And let me tell you something, I had to wade through a lot of shitboxes.

But this one is supposed to be good.

And it's supposed to have a pool.

Does anybody see a pool?

Oh, it is just stunning! It's just so perfect.

-Just release all that worry. -Or swallow it?

Okay, shall we?

Edible flowers!

I see that.

-Oh, my God. -How do you know they're edible?

What? These are edible.

You wanna be the protector and the caretaker and everything,

but... just let her deal with it.

-What the hell is she doing? -Cannot let a stranger stay a stranger.

...you wanna take care of them, and you wanna be the hero,

but sometimes you gotta back off,

let someone else in the family do it, you know?

She's probably gonna invite him to join us on the trip.

-Not, that that would be a bad-- -No, yeah, it would.

You take care of yourself.

And I really hope that your sister is able to move your mom's grave.

And I'm gonna try the manicotti recipe. Thanks.

Ready?

-To Rebecca! -To Rebecca!

All right!

Thank you so much

for turning 50

-and bringing us all together. -Yeah.

And thank you, guys.

I know you all had to move mountains to make this happen.

-Especially you, Catherine. -You know, life's a juggle, so...

I really appreciate it.

Rebecca really appreciates it.

Why am I speaking for Rebecca? This is a terrible toast. I'm sorry.

I hope you guys like the house. Let's get drunk. Happy birthday.

-Happy birthday! -Cheers to us!

If I just may offer a little bit of feedback,

I just want this to be a fun weekend for all of us, right? Not just about me.

God, when was the last time we were all together?

It was at Abby's wedding.

-What? No. -Maybe.

You should have come to my divorce party. There was a really great band.

-It wasn't that long ago. -Jesus.

Nice one, kid.

Guys...

time goes by so fast, I'm telling you.

I have needed this... so much.

-You guys have been on my mind-- -Adrian, comma,

please resend the link to Top Chef, period.

Can't open, period.

New paragraph.

Also, comma, please ask producers

how this show will be different, question mark, dot, dot, dot.

I'm so sorry.

I have so much going on with work right now.

I'm gonna unplug.

Be present, right.

Send.

Anyway, I made itineraries.

-What? -I know.

And you don't have to read 'em now.

Just, you know, take your time, but sort of like a...

loosey-goosey, you know, sort of, like, scheduley thing.

Just sort of an overview of everything we're gonna do

minute by minute on the trip.

-No worries, just take a look at it. -This is so awesome.

-No presh. -When did you have time to make those?

Well, I've been working a lot less lately.

-Yeah, right. -Well, good for you.

Yeah.

We look so young.

God.

Wow.

Let's take a group picture.

-Yes. -Yeah!

-Yes! -We need a new pic.

-It's a night of a thousand selfies. -Yeah.

-Can you go higher? -Yeah, go higher.

-Try to go higher. -All right, everybody look down,

and then on the count of three, look up. Fresh faces.

Fresh face.

-One, two, three. -One...

That's nice.

Wait.

What the...

Is that a ghost?

Oh, my God, it is a ghost.

It's the ghost of Amelia Earhart, and she's holding a small baby.

-What are you guys doing in my house? -Oh, my God.

Nah, I'm just goofing.

I'm Tammy, I own the place.

Brought you guys a cord of fresh pinyon,

get you started on a fire.

Thank you.

Guys, this is Tammy.

She's the owner of the place.

I'm Abby. I'm the one that's been emailing you.

A lot of emails.

Yeah.

So...

which one of you guys is the blushing bride?

Second time around I'm thinking, maybe? Maybe third?

Oh, no. We're celebrating Rebecca's birthday. It's her...

50th, the big five-oh.

Celebrating-with-the-girls weekend, huh?

We're just here for a vacation. The birthday's not a big deal.

So, what am I looking at here?

High school tennis team, old dance crew, or...

y'all magically fit in the same pair of pants?

What brings us together?

Oh, well, we all met in Chicago

waitressing at a pizza place called Antonio's,

and we just... It was meant to be.

Chi-Town? Yeah, I've been to that place, yeah.

Well, we all came up there together in the '90s.

Like, kind of our crew.

Actually, Catherine here started her own pizza chain called Cutie Pies.

Holy shit, that's you?

Well, I've never been to the restaurant,

but I do love those frozen pizzas for one that you do.

Thank you.

'Cause, you know, if I prep a full-sized pizza, guess what?

I'm gonna end up eating a full-size pizza.

So, you know, you prevent a lot of sadness.

So, do you guys want to see the house or--

-Yes. -All right.

Let's stop dicking around.

You got the pool and the hot tub here if you wanna soak...

or toke.

We are very discreet, so just... do whatever the heck you need to do

-to get through this weekend. -Okay.

So, Tammy, how long have you owned the property?

-A few years. -Yeah?

After my husband died, I sold our company.

We made edible organic soaps.

Got bought out by Unilever. Pretty sweet.

Sorry your husband died. That's sad.

Yeah, he died of a heart attack at 49.

-That's so young. -That's terrible.

You think? It was pretty inevitable, though.

We were doing so much blow.

This will come in real handy.

The little Zen area, when you need that total soul escape.

It's real quiet. It's perfect for when that roomie situation devolves.

You can just come out here and watch the hummingbirds,

meditate, enjoy this beautiful Buddha statue...

Now, this water feature over here, steer clear, please.

Okay, you wanna know how much money I poured into this son of a bitch?

Seven grand. And before you suggest it, no, I cannot just turn it off.

If I do, none of the toilets will work.

Which is ironic

because it is basically a toilet for birds...

and me that one time.

This is the firepit.

Light that sucker up,

stare into the flames and contemplate...

why in the hell you all came up here in the first place.

Also, we have s'mores.

Hey, Tammy, I'm just having a hard time getting on the Wi-Fi.

I just have to send a quick e-mail for work.

Okay, yeah, this is gonna be a rough weekend

if you have to do work stuff.

The Wi-Fi here is very slow.

So, you're just gonna have to talk to each other.

-Oh, good. -While drinking a ton of wine.

What could possibly go wrong?

Just remember, guys, whatever gets said,

it's probably what the person has always felt,

and the alcohol just let it out.

You wanna see the view? It's right through this gate.

Holy triple fucks, this is heaven!

Yeah, well, I didn't work my ass off

to buy a house on some shitscape property.

-Wow. -Yeah, that's fake.

There's no way that's real. It's too pretty.

We should sleep out here one night, under the stars.

-Yeah. -You know, like a camping slumber party.

-Wouldn't that be fun? -Yes!

Oh, God. Yeah, I don't wanna do that.

I don't know if I want to, either.

I have no place to plug in my CPAP machine.

Things we say now.

What's everybody laughing at?

Oh, it's just like our, you know, "That's what she said."

-You know, "Things we say now." -Right.

So, like...

"I gotta go tend my bees."

Things we say now.

I guess.

Well, I say it, 'cause I got a bee farm, so...

You make honey?

No, I don't make honey.

I get stung a lot.

But you develop an immunity to it.

And almost a pleasure.

Well, you all obviously have an entire haunted forest

of toxic jibber-jabber to get through, so I'm gonna skedaddle.

-Okay, thank you. -I have a question about the cleaning fee,

when you get a chance.

-Love it. -See you.

-What else do bees do? -All right.

Well, guys, you know what? Even if we don't sleep out here,

I love Naomi's idea of just, like, hanging out and drinking wine.

Just talking, connecting...

-Yes, totally. -Love it.

We are gonna do all of that. All of that is baked into the itinerary.

We're gonna lay around, we're gonna drink wine,

but first on the docket:

"Unpack and unwind." For 20 minutes.

I'm setting a timer.

Psych. But, no. But...

I am...

Just take 20 minutes

'cause we have dinner reservations at 7:15.

My God, she actually said, "toxic jibber-jabber."

Yes, she did.

God, and what about those bees? What, does she keep them as pets?

I gotta say something.

I actually really resent it when people,

especially other women, automatically assume,

when they see a group of us, that we're gonna fight.

-Yes. -Oh, my gosh, when I was leaving the house

for this trip, Brian's like, "Oh, have fun crying with your ladies."

I was like...

Anyway, you know, he was just joking, of course, but--

Brian and his jokes.

-Yeah. -I feel bad for Tammy, you know.

She clearly just hasn't had friends like you in her life.

You know, we are so... lucky.

I love you turkeys so much.

-Oh, I love you, turkey. -Love you, guys.

So, how much further is this place, anyway?

Sorry, I thought it was a little more walkable.

Oh, well, I mean, I'm good.

I got my comfy boots on, so... No heels for me with my back.

You know you can heal your back with your mind?

You know that's not true?

How you doing, Val, are you okay?

Yeah.

Oh, you should see what these new knees can do.

Hold this for a second.

Check this shit out.

Holy... Wow, Val!

Oh, shit!

Keep going, Val!

We'll catch up!

-Cheers, dears! -Cheers!

Love you.

-Cheers! -Hello, ladies!

My name is Jade. I'll be your server tonight.

-Hi Jade. -Hi.

Jade, we're really hungry, so we're gonna order really fast.

And we know what we want, so maybe you should get some water,

and then I'll tell you about our food allergies.

Okay, sounds good.

Thank you, Jade. And we appreciate you, Jade.

No prob.

-Am I saying her name too much? -Yeah.

Guys, I just heard myself talk. I'm sorry.

I know I get weird, bossy energy on these trips.

-No, you're fine -Oh, my God. Not even.

-Guys-- -You don't that much.

-You do not! -I'm gonna try to rein it in.

I want this to go well, and I'm afraid I'm gonna screw it up.

Honey, it's so fun. We're having such a good time.

You know what? That's just great self-feedback.

Thank you.

Why are you saying "feedback" all the time?

It's this thing I've been doing at my practice.

It just provides an emotional buffer.

So, rather than just launch into "your take" on something

or just give advice, you say,

"May I offer you some feedback?"

Have you ever...

tried that feedback thing on Brian?

Well...

May I offer you some feedback?

-Offer you some feedback -May I offer you some feedback?

-Ready for some feedback -Feedback

-Feedback! -Ready for some feedback!

That was good.

That is smoking!

-...on the side. -I'll share this with you.

So, ladies, we have lavender popping corn,

and beside that, there's a demi cruet

of fleur de sel for you to sprinkle on for a light zest.

-This is such an interesting combination. -That's not enough.

So, where are you guys all from?

We're from all over. I'm originally from Chicago.

-We all met in Chicago-- -Oh, nice, cool.

My ex-girlfriend just moved there,

so I'm a little mad at Chicago at the moment, but...

All right, enjoy.

Did you hear the "ex-girlfriend" thing?

Jackpot.

Oh, sweet Jesus, I have service.

-Oh, yes. -Oh, my God, yes.

Oh, no! They went bowling, you guys.

Adrian, comma...

Find out how long I have to decide, period.

My cat took her pill.

I'm not understanding this weekend deadline.

Question mark, exclamation point, send.

Ladies, phones down.

Come on. You know what? We should be looking at each other.

She's right.

Adrian, comma,

the pressure to make a show decision is not--

I'm sorry. No, I'll stop.

No, stop!

Siri, no, I'm dictating. Dic--

Dick-tasting.

What the hell is that?

-She suggested "dick-tasting"? -It's ridiculous.

-Rebecca! -Guys! Not until Sunday!

I told you, I didn't want this to be all about me this weekend.

Everybody!

Happy, happy birthday It's your special day

Have a slice of pizza What's your favorite way?

-Hey! -What's your favorite way?

Mushroom and peppers.

Mushroom and peppers Mushroom and peppers

Mushroom and peppers Mushroom and peppers, hey!

-Jade. -Yeah?

This is a song we used to sing at the pizza place we used to work at.

Antonio's.

Antonio's, hey!

And long story short, we're giving you a huge tip.

Hey, so what's your favorite pizza topping?

-I'm a vegan... -She's a vegan.

...so smoked tempeh and jalapeños.

Smoked tempeh and jalapeños Smoked tempeh and jalapeños

Smoked tempeh and jalapeños Smoked tempeh and jalapeños

Yeah!

Ho ho ho! Merry Vagmas!

-Merry Vagmas? -And my name's...

Dilda Claus!

Oh, my!

Jolly old Saint Dick.

The first one that gets a gift...

the biggest gift, is Naomi.

-Thank you. -Because she pushed out

four beautiful, big babies.

This is true, I--

So it's like ringing a bell, right, Naomi? Enjoy.

It is. It's like a wet paper bag down there. Thank you.

This one, I call the "hush puppy."

You can sit on this one in a coffee shop.

Oh, my God.

You there, Abby!

-Who, me? -I have heard that you don't care

for a wasted moment.

-Wow. -So, yours has a timer.

No!

Now, this one here is for you, Catherine,

and it's called "The Executive."

Make less deals and more squeals.

Don't turn your bedroom into the boardroom.

This is for the CE-Oh!

Here we go.

Finally, the pénis de résistance.

-Look at this little soldier. -Oh, no!

This is expensive,

and this is cheap as shit from the dollar store.

So, remove hat before use.

It also vibrates to the birthday song. Listen.

Happy birthday...

I mean, I don't wanna say it was the best time of my life

'cause that's, you know, sad. But...

it was the best time of my life.

Well, life is real.

And we were like...

We were like sisters in the trenches.

Like, the pizza trenches.

-We were so brave. -We were so brave.

Did you just burp or fart?

A little of both, I fear.

I love that necklace.

Oh, thank you.

It's vintage. From my vintage store.

-You have a vintage store? -I do.

-And you live in Portland? -I do.

Okay. Fuck, man,

you are officially the coolest person I know.

Fuck, man, come to Portland. There are so many of me.

I doubt that.

-You know what I'm scared of, though? -What?

I hope these napkins aren't haunted.

That's amazing.

Oh, you're so fucking funny, I can't--

Oh, I'm funny, that's how I... get the ladies.

I do a lot of napkin tricks.

Wait.

-Okay. -Oh.

-I'm sorry. -What?

-I have to do this. I'm an artist. -Yeah?

Can I take your picture?

You just-- You look really good in this light.

-Really? -Yeah.

-Sure, you can take my picture. -Okay, great.

I'll take the glasses off.

Okay...

Check it. I put this...

-cool filter on it. -Oh, that's really nice.

-Do you like it? -I like that.

Here, I'll send it to you. Put in your number.

Okay.

You're not gonna believe who's in this restaurant.

-You'll never guess. -Cher?

-No, guess again. -Dua Lipa?

Who?

-Hillary Clinton? -Better!

Childish Gambino?

ASAP Rocky?

Is that the one with the dollar sign S?

No, that's Ke$ha.

It's Keesha.

-Is it? -Yeah.

-Holy shit, Keesha's here? -No, ready?

Brené Brown.

Brené Brown?

Wait, who is Brené Brown?

Brené Brown, she did the famous TED Talk about vulnerability.

She's a researcher-storyteller...

Shame, "courage is contagious,"

Oprah's SuperSoul Conversations, nothing?

-No, is she famous? -Yeah, but she doesn't care about that.

Okay, that tracks, I get that.

We get famous people in here all the time.

Do you know who was in here last week?

-Who? -Future.

-Wait, did I just miss a bunch of words? -Future?

Is the past coming next week?

Holy shit, you guys, let's go meet Brené!

Let's not bug her.

Let's let her be.

Hey, Ms. Brené, we're so sorry to interrupt your dinner.

-It's my birthday-- -Look at your skin. It's like marzipan.

We just have like ten or 15 questions for you.

What's the difference between braving the wilderness

-and becoming the wilderness? -Comfort transformation...

How, when... and why?

How can I be generous in my assumptions of others

-when I hate most people? -Good one.

Here's the thing. We can't be generous toward other people...

without boundaries.

-Yes, Brené, yes. -Boom!

-Boom on the boundaries. -So, boundaries.

-Boundaries, that means-- -Oh, my God. Message received.

-I'm sorry. I didn't even want to come. -Got it, we'll come back later.

What a thrill.

Give me your hand, darling

Do you feel my heart beating?

Do you understand?

Do you feel the same?

Am I only dreaming?

Is this burning

An eternal flame?

I don't know.

Oh, fuck Ronald McDonald for making Filet-O-Fish.

Fuck him ten ways from Sunday.

Everybody get their stretchy clothes on, 'cause we're gonna keep this party going!

Okay, ladies...

Gorgeous gaggle, sexy klatch, welcome...

to the next chapter of your evening.

Is it too early or too late to have a next chapter?

-I feel like it's already tomorrow night. -Hold up. What is that?

-What is that? -Molly.

Okay, seriously, before you get all weird and judge me and stuff like that,

I heard this super interesting podcast on microdosing.

Do you know about this? Okay? So, we take a really small amount of MDMA,

and, apparently, it can create this common experience

that's, like, super bonding.

Okay, I'm listening.

Anyway, so... we... are doing molly tonight.

I hear you, but I don't think we are gonna do it.

So, we're gonna do coke?

No, it's like Ecstasy.

Like... MDMA.

I thought MDMA was that extreme fighting.

Wait, do they do coke and then they fight?

You guys, it's molly.

I mean, I wanna, yes-and this, but I'm just wondering,

how does molly interact with the drugs I'm currently taking?

'Cause right now, I'm on Levothroid and melatonin.

-Things we say now. -For reals, though.

I'm on Wellbutrin and Farxiga.

I think it's fine. I'm on Fluoxetine and the Mirena IUD,

and I think it's gonna be totally fine. I really do.

Guys, I'm on all kinds of stuff.

Zoloft, Singulair...

Raw Calcium, black cohosh for night sweats, Zantac...

Mykonos, Who-you-gonna-call-trex, Queef-a-tram.

Cath, I think what we're all trying to say is maybe this isn't that kind of trip.

You know what I mean, like...

You know, we have a big day tomorrow, and this is a marathon, it's not a sprint.

I thought it was a birthday weekend.

Well...

Oh, okay.

It's... totally...

It's Rebecca's birthday. Anyway...

you should download the podcast. It's super interesting.

It's this amazing TED Talk, actually.

-It sounds amazing. -I mean, I would do the podcast.

I'd love to listen to the podcast.

-I feel bad. I'm sorry. -No, don't be sad.

-No, it's fine. -Know what? Apparently,

we're just not that interested in doing drugs.

Except for the thousands of drugs we just listed.

I did Molly in college, but...

she went back to her boyfriend.

-Let's dance it out. -Let's dance.

-Dance it out! -Dancing's my job.

-What should our first song be? -First song...

"Sweet Child o' Mine," Guns N' Roses, then we'll cascade into "Paradise City."

Anything from the Xanadu soundtrack,

-anything from Flashdance soundtrack. -Yeah.

I don't want any Quentin Tarantino soundtracks.

-Never. -I'm done.

Let's do a whole classic rock.

Let's do Boston, Styx,

Marshall Tucker Band, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

"Tuesday's Gone," no "Sweet Home Alabama."

Never. Kid Rock ruined it.

-Natalie Merchant? -Natalie Merchant, yes.

-Lauryn Hill? -Lauryn Hill, a hundred percent.

-Bless it. What happened to her? -Yeah, I don't know.

She didn't pay her taxes. She went crazy.

I think we should not play anything...

later than "Hey Ya!"

-Nothing current. -Nothing current.

-All right. -Not tonight.

Do you know what?

I wished Prince's ghost...

would come back...

and... serenade me for like two whole hours...

and then make sweet love to me.

Yeah, no shit.

He fucking glided

into that elevator in Paisley Park, and that fucking door closed...

And then, poof.

Where's my baby?

-Where's my Prince? -Beautiful-ass Prince.

I love my husband and shit, but, like...

that's the love of my life.

He had eyes like a beautiful newborn fawn.

What was his pain?

His hips.

Oh, God, yeah.

And who knows, you know? Life ain't easy.

No.

I feel like... the universe is saying it to me.

I hear the universe saying...

"Your heroes are dying.

You're getting old."

-Dying is my worst fear. -Same.

I swear to God. If anything....

happened to me...

I just think about my poor kids.

Like...

My babies.

-You know? Like, no one's... -I know.

No one's gonna love my babies...

like I do.

They're your sweet peas. But I'm gonna tell you something.

Remember, how Prince would throw his guitar up in the air,

and his guitar tech...

would always catch the guitar after a mind-blowing solo?

Yeah.

I'm... that person for you.

I'll catch your guitar. Every time.

I will always catch...

your motherfucking guitar, 'cause you... are my... rock.

I'm here for you. I'm your Apollonia.

I'm your Vanity.

-I love you. -I love you.

Will you marry me?

Yeah.

I want us now to actually take a look at the word "microdosing."

"Mi." My experience, my emotions.

"C." I am now going to see.

I feel it in my emotions.

There are different lakes.

"Ro." Rowing your mental boat down a different stream.

Shit! Fuck! Who the fuck are you?

It's okay, I'm Devon. I'm a nice person, I'm nice.

-I'm allowed to-- -What is that?

That's a squid... for the paella I'm prepping.

Did Tammy not tell you I come with the house?

No, she gave us the full download on the toilet fountain,

but she forgot to mention you.

I don't know what I was planning to do with this.

-What's going on? -Oh, my God.

-Who is this asshole? -This is...

-Who are you? -I'm Devon.

I come with the house.

Think of me as your driver, your tour guide, your chef.

I'm sorry I wasn't here, by the way, yesterday.

I was down in Bodega Bay, spearing this little guy.

Devon is making...

-What are you making? -My famous paella.

Sorry, let me just grab this.

-Oh, God. -It's kind of a process.

It takes a long time, so I like to get a jump start on it.

Look at that thing. It's beautiful. I mean, that is beautiful.

You hear that?

Squid or cuttlefish? What do you think this is?

-God, that smells. -It's a cuttlefish.

A cuttlefish is a little bit different than their cousins,

but this has, actually, what's called a cuttlebone inside of it.

And... squid is faster as a predator.

You're gonna see, it takes on the flavor like a mother.

I mean, it's really sweet.

It wants to be flavored,

and it's actually a more traditional seafood protein

to put in paella with the rice--

-Could you put that on ice, please? -Yeah, absolutely.

Ladies, if there is anything that you need, let me know.

Anything at all.

Because, as always...

it's an amazing day in wine country.

No, it's not.

Oh, yeah, Devon, can you do me a favor?

Can you help me...

with the wind chimes over the ceramic frogs?

'Cause they're all tangled in the dream catchers,

and the sound has been keeping us up all night.

God damn it. I'm so sorry. Sleep is so important.

-Show me. -There was a really loud bird out here.

So sorry to hear. I'll shut these later.

Do you have a key, or how did you get in?

Hey, how we feeling, ladies?

I feel like hot garbage.

Should we make coffee?

Yeah.

What the fuck is this?

That's...

That's seafood from... Devon.

-Who's Devon? -He comes with the house.

Do we...

-hit the button? -Gotta push the button.

-Should I push the button? -Or I could do it.

Wait, did you already take a shower, or are you about to take a shower?

What?

I don't know.

Does this house have a tea thingy? Like...

You know what I mean, like...

Like a hot water source.

-A kettle! -Kettle.

A kettle.

Man, I am not doing great.

Yeah, what did I say last night?

I feel like I went on and on about... somebody's mom.

Oh, wait, did everyone hang out after I went to bed?

Are there any inside jokes I should get caught up on?

No, we all went to bed.

Devon breaks in at 7:00 a.m.,

-but now he rings the doorbell? -Who's Devon?

He comes with the house.

It's the tarot card reader.

The what?

-Oh, no! -On the itinerary.

Maybe she can get the coffee to work.

Her name's... Lady Sunshine.

Hi, you must be Lady--

This house was impossible to find.

Not marked.

I'm a psychic, not Magellan.

Oh, boy.

Okay, when I figure out where I'm gonna place myself,

I'm gonna need you to put this somewhere where I can see it.

Okay.

No.

We're gonna have to smudge the heck out of this space.

The juju es no bueno.

Honey, take this...

and go all around the room with it, really wave it around.

-Don't be shy. -Okay.

Okay, smudging not working.

We're gonna have to go to a different room.

One that is not contaminated.

-Preferably... -Just let it go...

if I may offer some feedback.

Are you ready for some feedback?

Oh, no.

Are you a singing group?

No, just friends.

We'll see.

The Chariot.

Oh, my God, that would make a beautiful tattoo.

The Chariot is a very positive card...

Oh, really?

...when it's right-side up. Yours is upside down.

The upside-down Chariot...

tells me that you're being dragged through time with no control

over where life is taking you.

A big change has upended you.

You're free-falling.

You're killing yourself staying busy,

because if you don't, you feel...

as if you will literally break apart.

It'd still make a killer tattoo.

Who's next?

That's not good.

The Five of Pentacles.

Many say this card signifies financial loss, poverty.

Well, I'm lucky 'cause I'm very comfortable,

but I do have an opportunity I would love to ask you about.

It's... a TV job.

I wonder what the card says about that.

May I continue?

Yeah, of course.

Many say that this card signifies financial loss, poverty.

-Okay. -But not me.

She flipped it.

I find that the Five of Pentacles points to emotional poverty.

So, nothing about the TV show?

The Fool.

You want a tattoo of this one as well?

I liked the Chariot better.

The Fool represents new beginnings, optimism.

Man, I'm really ready to meet somebody.

Well, the Fool has difficulty seizing on new opportunities

because they're too focused on the needs of others.

Are you saying I should put my knees...

before others' needs?

They laughed.

Next.

The Devil.

The Devil represents the violent forces of nature

that can strain you-- Where did she go?

I don't think this is her jam.

I don't think this is anyone's jam.

Death.

-Fuck me! -Jesus Christ!

-You're fired! -No, I love this card,

because people always think that this is a very negative card.

They're scared of it. But the Death card actually indicates

a time of transformation.

The death of the old you to make way for the new.

A metamorphosis.

You're ready to become a butterfly.

But it can also mean death is coming.

Okay.

The Wheel of Fortune.

Wheel... of...

-For-- -The Wheel represents life cycles.

A turning point.

-The big change is coming. -Her 50th birthday.

Half a century.

That's a long time.

Fifty years of age.

And see how Lady Fortuna is just standing here,

in the middle of this wheel of change?

-She is unmoving. -All right, yeah.

Right. Tranquil, peaceful.

Over, done.

And now, for the group reading.

You know, no. I think this is when we say goodbye.

-Yeah, I'm doing-- -I've gotta...

-Yeah, we're done. -Me, too.

Yeah, you're right. Never mind.

Wait, why? What does it say?

Is it bad?

The garden looks like a winner.

Usually, yes, but not when it's sandwiched between the snakes and the rocks.

You see, the fighting snakes show me...

that you all surround yourselves with battles.

People who have been intertwined and dueling for thousands of years.

You need to help shed the tough skins that have built up over time...

if you are to remain friends.

A lot of secrets.

Many things unspoken.

And you see the space?

No one's as close as they think.

And you see here, with the river stones?

They're gems. They used to be dynamic and many-faceted.

And they have been worn over time.

And now, they're smooth and dull...

aged.

From one old lady to another...

get over all your shit,

'cause it is later than you think.

That'll be $475.

Hello, this is Olivia from Dr. Melton's office

calling to let you know that the results--

Move it or lose it. I'm up.

Got it. Don't wanna fuck up that itinerary.

We got our marching orders.

Hey, oh.

Sorry, is this any better?

So, what's going on with the offer? Is it any-- Hello?

Hello?

Shitballs! Hello?

-Hello? Shit, fuck! -Sorry.

Not being nosy, just wanted to bring some of my hangover cure.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, and some of my edible soaps for you, too.

Sorry, I...

I know I should be enjoying myself and not stressing about work.

Hey, I'm not judging.

Owning and managing five properties has its share of shit-fuck days for sure.

But I bet you get to meet a lot of interesting people, so...

No. No, you'd be surprised.

People are all the same.

I go whole days without speaking.

Better get to the wine tasting, so...

A little advice for today.

If you or anyone around you starts a sentence with:

"Can I just say something?" stop right there.

Okay, I will keep that in mind, thank you.

Try the juice.

It's got kind of a garbage flavor, but the soap helps with the aftertaste.

-Edible? -Seventy percent.

I can still taste the soap a little bit.

It's just in your head. It's 'cause of the shape.

Now, as you can see, this little beauty is quite spacious

and does come with four-by-four off-road capability.

So, if you see some beautiful spot, and you say to yourself:

"I'd like to get up close and personal with that vista,

but the terrain is clearly a no-go," think again. I got you.

Yeah, we got it, man.

This van has everything here. We've got seats like...

-Who is this guy again? -Abby's worst nightmare.

...cup holders, really nice adjustable air and fan,

safety lights, emergency kit--

Okay, let's get driving.

We have a birthday we need to celebrate.

How old are you turning, little mama, 21?

Devon, it's none of your business.

No, you know, I'm not ashamed to say, actually, I am turning 50 tomorrow.

Yeah!

Great, yeah... You say it, sister!

Okay, can we go?

All right.

Birthday to you

Your birthday

Overshot it. I hear things a touch sharp.

Devon, let's go.

-Yeah. Here we go. -Okay.

Hold that for a moment, would you? All right, 10-4, captain.

So, ladies, a little early history of the Napa Valley.

The first official winery and vineyard was established by one Mr. John Patchett,

who began planting grape vines in 1854--

So, Val, did that cute waitress text you back?

-Is there romance in the air? -Devon, don't listen to our conversation.

No, but she's probably still sleeping.

That picture she took of you is gorgeous.

-Thanks. -What picture?

Oh, it's on the shared photo site we have.

You probably didn't accept the invite.

No, I didn't get one.

Would you send me a invite? I'll accept.

-Probably just the Wi-Fi. -Signal is hard to come by out here.

I'll tell you what's not hard to come by:

a rich and hearty Cab Sauv with healthy levels of tannins.

Which brings me back to John Patchett in 1854--

I do not wanna learn about wine on this trip.

This is weird, Cat.

You're not on here.

Way to go, guys. Who started the shared site?

Oh, I did, but I didn't intentionally leave you off.

Remember, let's remain uncontaminated

from Lady Sunshine's negative suggestions.

-Amen. -Yes, we are uncontaminated.

Uncontaminated. All right, added.

Hey, should we listen to some tunes?

-Let's do DUI songs. -Yes!

You guys got DUIs, too?

No, it's a game we play.

It's like guilty pleasure songs we blast when we're tipsy.

Are you... legally allowed to drive?

I will be.

-Yes. -Yeah!

...less than 4.04% of the wine in America.

Devon, shh!

Looking out a dirty old window

Down below the cars In the city go rushing by

I sit here alone and I wonder why

Friday night and everyone's moving

I can feel the heat, but it's soothing, Heading down

I search for the beat in this dirty town Downtown

The young ones are going

Downtown, the young ones are growing

-We're the kids in America -Whoa

-We're the kids in America -Whoa

Everybody lives for the music-go-round

Ladies, if Cabernet Sauvignon is the king of wine country,

Chardonnay is its queen. It's bold--

Okay, hair of the dog.

All right, fine, go to a wine store, then.

I just wanna say...

that we never know where life is gonna take us.

So let's live for today...

and party till our panties fly off. Wait, where is Catherine?

I think she had to call her agent. Please don't say "panties."

Oh, hell to the hell to the no!

I'm gonna go get her.

Anyone picking up on the notes of honeysuckle?

-Yeah, sure. -Get a good sniff.

Let me know what you smell. There's no wrong answers.

Green apple?

-Yes. -Yes, very good. Green apple.

I wanna say... canned peaches?

No.

You said there's no wrong answer.

Yeah, but... you know.

Peaches, there's no peaches in there.

-Okay. -What else you got?

-Oh, lemon. -Yes, very good.

I taste the lemon, yeah.

You don't taste it, you smell it.

Grapes.

Well, yeah... of course.

Nice, that's smart!

-Definitely grapes in there. -Can't go wrong with that.

-Jasmine. -No, that's... egregious.

Pinot-gregious.

-Thank you. -You're killing it!

Oh, we lost Mason.

So, is it like The Catherine Stewart Show,

or is it like I'm one of three judges, you know what I mean?

'Cause that's sort of significant in terms of what... I'm talking about.

You know what I mean?

Right, if it's Catherine Stewart of Cutie Pies

or Cutie Pies featuring Catherine Stewart, and, like...

Can you hold on one second? Something's going on in front of me.

-What are you doing? -My God, give me my phone back.

-That's an important phone call. -My face is an important phone call.

I'm not giving you your precious phone back...

until you start flossing.

Come on.

All right, fine.

Do it

Okay, oh, my God, I'm nailing this. I'm really good at this.

-She'll call you back. She's flossing. -I gotta floss more when I'm day-drunk.

Here's the last thing I sent to her:

"I have vintage jade earrings at my store. Would love to send them to you."

So dumb.

She's Jade... you know? She's got like a million jade things.

I made a mistake.

She's too young for me.

Val.

May I offer you some feedback?

Go for it.

Okay, I mean, when it comes to age, the number itself truly doesn't matter.

It's, I mean...

I wish Abby could understand this, 'cause she's coming at me like,

"You're 50!" It's like,

what matters is how you feel inside, so...

with all that in mind, what would you say your soul's age is?

I'd say, like, 12.

I mean, maybe a little older. Probably old enough to drink... and bone.

Maybe 18, 18 and a half.

Almost out of the house.

Don't have my own car yet.

But I have a bike.

-This one's good. What's it called again? -White wine.

Fricking love it!

So, can I just say something?

Rebecca is in complete denial that this is her birthday weekend.

You know, as usual, she's glossing over everything.

There's so many things she doesn't deal with.

-Hello, Brian. -Fucking Brian.

She's gotta be having feelings about turning 50.

Where does she put it all?

"This is just another trip, it's not a big deal." It's like...

Hello? Get into it!

God, you know how hard it is, by the way...

to make 10,000 reservations for 400 people

at 55 million different locations?

I know. Abby, you've done such a good job at planning this. You should know that.

Thanks.

It's probably 'cause it's my full-time job now.

Wait, what?

-This is good, right? -Oh, yeah.

Chug-a-lug, ladies, we're on the move.

Oh, no, ladies. That is a select Cabernet, meant to be savored...

Yeah, well, we can get this stuff online. Let's hit the van.

-Jeez, this is a real go-go-go kinda trip. -Keep up, 50.

My soul age is 28.

I'd love to get your names and socials for our wine club.

Okay, guys, next stop is biking and shopping...

-Yes! -...and we're gonna get all of our stuff

in Napa so we don't have to get anything at the airport.

-I'm gonna buy a really big hat. -Naomi, you're up, what's your DUI song?

My song is gonna be, "Poison, Po-po-po, Poison."

Pizza.

Oh, my gosh.

I just spent $750.

Not only is Morgan Jorng Winery solar, it is also...

organic!

So no sulfates, no pesticides,

and the beautiful sun powering us all.

You'll notice, because it's organic,

there's a lot of sediment at the bottom of your glass.

-I was wondering what that was. -Does anybody know the term for that?

For the sediment at the bottom of the glass.

-You can just tell us. -Sediment?

-Gravel? -Mud?

-Shavings? -Wine waste?

-Minerality? -I'll just go ahead and answer this one.

-Tartrates. -Tartrates.

You know what I also like to call it, though?

Wine diamonds.

Jeez, people really like to talk about wine around here.

Well, yeah.

It's Napa.

Right? Why you came here.

-Can we... get to the... -Sure, get to the solar questions?

No, speed this up.

Okay, so, how much energy do you think that our solar panels create here?

-How much energy? -I don't know.

Ten kilowatts?

Fifty thousand.

-Right. -I was way off.

You know what I really like that we do here?

Notice how our wines are not on ice?

What are they on?

-Soil? -Soil. Exactly. I...

-We're gonna stroll around for a second. -Oh, okay.

So, just one rule today: no walking in the vineyards.

Okay?

And have fun.

Can I just say something?

I'm tired of Naomi shaming me for working all the time.

You know what I mean? It's like, we work. It's who we are, it's what we do.

Well, I hope I'm more than my work, or else, fuck.

Come on, yeah.

Okay, let's play "path not taken."

I would work at a bookstore, like a crunchy bookstore

in Portland or Seattle, somewhere rainy and moody.

-I love it. -Right?

-That's so good. -You go.

Okay, path not taken. Zamboni driver.

I swear to God. It would be so peaceful.

Clean slate every two hours.

Start over, nice and simple.

Really cold, no hot flashes. Come on.

I think I would also be good at close-up magic.

-You would. -Thank you.

-Oh, my God, that's such a good one. -Yeah. I could...

-maintain fierce eye contact... -Yes.

-...while stealing someone's wallet. -I love it.

Can I just say something?

Why is Naomi treating this trip like...

we're all gonna die immediately after?

She loves us so much.

But, yeah, it's a little manic.

Is there scarecrows out here?

'Cause if I see a scarecrow, I'm gonna fucking shit my pants.

Remember when you shit your pants in Yankee Candle Company?

Yes. Because whenever I sniff candles, I always have to poop.

Yeah, but you're around candles, so it covers up the smell. That's good.

I know, but then, it's a vicious cycle.

Can I just say something?

I got my bikini area lasered,

and now I'm like, "Oh, great. What's it gonna look like when I'm 70?"

Is it going to be like a...

gray-haired goatee?

-You got too much off? -Yes. It's like...

It's like pencil-thin, I blew it.

-I'm gonna need that hair down there-- -You don't know.

Maybe it'll be a cute little Colonel Sanders chin going on down there.

That's what I want, a cute Colonel Sanders chin.

"Honey, are you looking forward to seeing Colonel Sanders tonight?"

Oh, boy.

Maybe it's like a... you know, it's like a...

like a Dizzy Gillespie, like a jazz musician...

-Oh, right. -...beav.

-I think he'd love that. -What about a little Ted Nugent?

No, wait, I shouldn't have said that.

-Fuck that guy. -No. No Ted Nugent. Sorry.

Like a Billy Bob Thornton, that's what you were thinking.

Sure, Billy Bob Thornton.

"Hey, honey, you want some french fried potatoes?"

Oh, God! Full-on mud in this bottle.

God, fuck this organic shit.

Well, you better drink up,

'cause Abby's gonna come through with the Abby alarm any minute now.

-Oh, my God. -Can I just say something?

-She needs to ease up. -Yes.

-It's insane. -Hi!

This is an organic winery, so we can't have you walking in there.

-Oh. -Yeah, I think we put up signs.

Right there.

So, yeah, can't walk through there.

-Sorry. -Okay, you can follow me out.

-Okay, sorry about that. -Okay.

-Sorry, not sorry. -Right?

-The sign is facing the other way. -Hey, guess what? Passive-aggressive.

-That wasn't passive. That was aggressive. -Guess what, also?

-My shoes are clean. -Yeah.

Hey, you don't know me. You don't know my shoes.

-You don't... -You don't know my shoes, bitch!

You don't know my shoes!

Guess what? These are fucking clean.

Can you just follow me out? Yeah. Keep coming.

-Okay, no problem. -Okay, sorry about that.

-Happy birthday, babe. -Technically tomorrow.

-He knows that. -But I can't call tomorrow

-'cause I'll be out on the pontoon boat. -Holy shit.

Have they been here this whole time?

Hey.

I know, guys.

You were thinking something else, right?

Well, guess what, I'm here.

Funny story, I had some wine diamonds today,

and I don't feel so good.

Oh, my God. Naomi is loaded.

You know, I wanna sing a little ditty

for my sweet, very short friend Rebecca

who is turning 22 tomorrow.

Wink, wink.

She's not.

You know...

birthdays are a funny thing,

'cause, like, some people hate 'em, and some people love 'em.

I love my birthday, I'm a Leo.

But, Rebecca, you got it going on, girl.

Don't get it twisted.

You deserve the world.

And since I can't give you diamonds

and I can't give you pearls,

I'm gonna give you something you ain't never had before.

I'm gonna give you a song from the heart.

You guys,

our dear, sweet...

Rebecca Sue is all grown up.

I want to dedicate this song

to my beautiful friend Rebecca.

This is for you, honey tits.

Hit it, boys.

What would you like us to play?

"Eternal Flame."

-Okay. -Yes.

Close your eyes

Oh, my God.

Naomi?

I'm cool.

Yeah!

You're a pro.

Darling

Do you feel my heart beating?

Do you understand?

I'm sensing a lull.

So my vote is for literally anything by Sublime.

Absolutely not, Devon.

-Chilis? -Devon, no.

-Bush? -Now I'm getting upset.

Oh, my God. "Everything Zen." That changed my life.

-Third Eye Blind? -No.

-311? -No.

Okay, guys! I got the T-shirts for the drone shot.

Did you say "drone shot"?

Oh, yeah, the drone shot. It's in the itinerary.

Yes, I said "drone." On the itinerary.

-I don't think my shirt's gonna fit. -It is. It will.

Okay, follow me, guys. Let's go.

Can we stay here a little bit? It's so nice.

We're gonna go through the wine tunnels and take the drone shot.

Holy cannoli.

These weird wine caves would be a good place to try molly.

Maybe we'll do the molly after we get the drone shot. That'll be more fun.

Wait, I have a few more questions. Is molly what that kid did

when he ate that guy's face in his dad's garage?

-No, I don't think so. -Is that the one that keeps you up?

Because when I need to sleep, I need to sleep.

Come on, people, let's just try it. What are we, a bunch of nerds?

-Yes. -Okay, if we want to do the molly,

maybe we can do it after horseback riding tomorrow.

-I vote "no" on the horseback riding. -Wait, here's what I don't get.

If we were to do the molly, how long does it stay in your body?

Like, what is the duration of the "trip"?

Oh, my God, with the quotes.

Whatever we do, we have to harmonize in here

-'cause the acoustics are the shit. -Oh, yes.

Hey, guys? Can we put our T-shirts on,

so we can get to the pavilion and take a super fun drone shot?

You guys, I'm gonna go follow her, and I'm gonna offer her some feedback.

-I actually think that's a terrible idea. -I wouldn't do that.

-Please don't. -This is what I do.

Where is she?

Yeah, how does she know her way around these tunnels?

-Where'd she go? -Where'd she go?

-Where'd she go? -Where'd she go?

Where did she go?

Seriously, where did she go?

-Are we lost? -We've gotta find her.

Hey, Abby?

The girls urged me not to offer you any feedback,

but I'm just gonna go with my gut here.

May I offer you some feedback?

Oh, boy.

I feel like the universe is gently nudging you to chill.

Well, tell the universe that I'm chilling

and I'm also looking for the drone. Do you see it?

Okay, just, the schedule you have us on,

I feel like it's keeping you from having fun. Like,

if you were just to let go, everything will just fall into place.

Will it fall into place?

Will it, Rebecca? Will it fall into place?

Will someone else take care of me?

Or will I always have to do everything myself?

Let me know when it falls into place,

'cause last time I checked, this world's pretty fucking selfish.

Okay. Deep breath.

No, let's take some inventory about how everything's falling into place.

How about my marriage? Did that fall into place?

What about this text from that girl that's gonna hurt you?

That falling into place?

Your obvious midlife crisis. Is that falling into place?

Your inability to cope with almost everything?

-Is that falling into place for you? -No.

-Your husband? Is that falling into place? -What?

Maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror.

Maybe the therapist should go to therapy.

Am I not getting a falling into place?

Jeez, Catherine, enough.

The whole "left out" thing is really getting old.

You're the one who's always running away from us every time you get a call.

-I have work. -I'm sorry, let's not fight.

This time together is supposed to be special.

Oh, my God, Naomi, we're not fighting, we're just talking.

-That's what life is. -Well, it's very negative.

Yeah, well, life is negative. That's what Brené Brown said.

That's exactly what she did not say.

Abby, what is negative in your life right now?

You've got amazing friends, you got a great career--

No, I don't.

Okay? I lost my job.

All right? And it's really stupid to even cry about it.

Shit, I mean, people are starving in the world, and there's earthquakes.

And people are shooting at each other, and I'm crying about my stupid poor job.

Abby, honey. That doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid.

That's exactly what white privilege is!

Plus, what are we doing to the environment?

I mean, we can't-- There's no fish anymore!

All the plastic is...

filling up in the ocean.

And... there's like one rhinoceros left!

What the fuck?

Why wouldn't she tell us that?

Some things are too scary to say.

Not to us.

You guys don't like Brian?

-Oh, my God, we love Brian. -Brian, he's the best.

-He's a character. -He's so cool.

-Fucking prince. -Awesome.

Where to?

Well, Abby, what's on the itinerary?

You know what? Don't look at that. It doesn't matter. It's stupid.

Do you think throwing the itineraries out the window was on the itinerary?

Guess we'll never know.

Guys, left or right? I gotta make a decision.

Oh, my God, she texted.

Jade just texted back.

She wants us to come over to her art show.

I told you.

-I mean, I knew that she would text. -Okay, let's go there, then.

Let's go to the art show, right? That'll be perfect.

Let's pick a DUI song!

Anybody?

-Abby? -Silence is good for now.

This is a major fuck-up.

Abby's gonna hate this.

This wall of shoe boxes should really snap her out of her mood.

I'll tell you the answer.

"No" and "No, you're not."

Abby, I know you don't want to talk about it,

-but I'm really sorry about your job. -Well, thanks.

The one time I can't figure out how to get on Snapchat.

One time.

And everybody saw.

Young people blow.

Isn't Jade so ungodly cute?

Okay, guys, I'm gonna just say a couple words.

Yeah, so...

Art has been my raison d'être

since... literally my first moment of consciousness.

I... can't believe I'm following in the footsteps of my heroes.

O'Keeffe, Kahlo, Warhol, Basquiat,

with my very own show.

So, thank you. I'm humbled.

Clearly.

Thank you for coming in, too... like, from the city,

with the caravans and all of you,

it's... fucking so touching. So, thank you.

So, yeah. Let me get on with it.

The Nanny was more than a sitcom.

Okay, it was a post-modern psychodrama

about classism and ambition in the 1990s.

You know, Fran Drescher's Fran Fine was an icon.

Honestly, I mean, a cultural touchstone.

God. All her art is Fran Drescher.

Why?

Yeah, so yeah, I'd like to just open up for some questions or comments.

Yeah?

It's so contextual, but at the same time, wholly independent.

Did you do that consciously?

You know what? I did, yeah.

It's really a lettera d'amore to The Nanny.

But, more importantly, it's a reaction to all of our experiences

-surrounding The Nanny. -I never saw The Nanny,

but I don't want that to stop me from participating in this conversation.

It shouldn't.

This piece. Am I supposed to feel scared?

Yes. I am so glad you got that vibe.

-Also offended. Yeah? -Very. Thank you.

Have you considered doing any other sitcom art?

-Like, is ALF an option? -That's a good question.

I think I'm focusing more on women right now.

'Cause, I don't know, I feel like time is up on ALF, right?

I have a question.

Do any of you watch TV? Like, is TV still a thing?

Like, do you watch those judging competition shows?

I've only seen TV in the movies.

I knew I was right. Dammit, gotta call my agent.

Adrian, comma, confirming I was correct

re, colon, streaming V, period, broadcast.

Shit, I don't have a signal. I gotta go outside.

Yeah, my oldest kid is 15, and on the verge of becoming...

this.

I just wanna know, how do I stop her from becoming an asshole?

I feel like I'm about to take umbrage.

Are you okay?

And you know what else worries me?

It is way too easy for you guys to get porn.

Oh, my God.

I used to drive miles in the middle of the night

just to go to this little newsstand by the bus station

just to find lesbo porn.

You guys have it so lucky on the porn front.

I hadn't thought about it that way before. It's so interesting.

No wonder they're so scared of sexuality.

They associate it with hard work and fear.

And driving long distances.

I can't with the confidence in these people.

Wait.

So we're putting 'em down because they have healthy self-esteem?

I've spent my whole life thinking I suck.

You know what happened at my first poetry reading?

I completely bombed.

No claps. No snaps. Just total silence.

Till, finally, this one dude, way in the back,

he just turned to his girlfriend and he went, "Oof."

But you know what? That was an important "oof,"

because it confirmed to me that I'm a complete piece of shit.

And that's what made me the writer I am today.

I thank God for that "oof."

-This girl needs an "oof." -Oof.

Jade, we're not trying to hurt anyone's feelings.

My God, they were born with hurt feelings.

Why don't you not blast your feelings all over your best friend, the internet?

Please, their parents are their best friends.

Well, that I do like.

You know who my best friend is? My best friend.

These women, right here, who I've known for 20-plus years.

And yeah, sure, sometimes I want to tell this one to fuck off.

That's what intimacy looks like.

-You want me to fuck off? -What?

If you all are friends, why are you so mad at each other?

We're not mad.

-Crazy, mad, grouchy. Look at this one. -Fascinating.

We're not grouchy.

Guys, please forgive us.

We've been drinking wine all day,

and we're just not right in our heads right now.

We are exactly where we need to be. We're doing fine. Fran Fine.

That's brilliant. Did you see that?

Is this part of the show?

That was... incredible.

You are amazing. Moms, you're amazing.

Context within context, that's exactly what we're talking about.

Excuse me. Do you have Wi-Fi in here?

And then there was one.

Tammy, hi.

I'm just trying to get a little work done while the girls are at this art show.

-Art show? -Yeah.

Oof, things must have gone really sideways.

-Yeah. -Give me your phone.

-I'll get you online. -Oh, my God, awesome. Thank you.

Pedro, is the password still "penisgrigio72"?

Thank you. We need a couple of beers here also.

Cool.

Are you guys good pals?

We are acquaintances.

Do you ever get lonely up here, living by yourself?

No, I love it. Loneliness is for suckers.

'Cause you know who I can trust? Me.

You know who's never gonna bail on me? Me.

Anyway, get your shit done,

bring people joy with that fantastic pizza.

I'll be over here hitting bull's-eyes.

-Can I ask your advice on something? -Shoot.

-I'm being offered this TV show. -No, shoot the dart.

I'm uncomfortable in any one-on-one situation unless I can win.

Sure. Right, okay.

Thanks, Val.

Do you think you can carry this one over, too?

You got it.

Okay, just be very careful.

-Oh, of course. -Okay.

Oh, that smile is so infectious.

I know, it's so ironic, right?

Sorry about my friends.

Oh, no! I love them.

People are really liking my show!

Do you think you guys could come back and do that whole,

"I'm mad at young people" thing again?

I can ask.

But to be clear, we're not mad at young people.

Or I'd be mad at myself, right?

You're so funny, Val.

I'm happy we met.

Me, too.

I like you.

I like you, too.

Can I ask you something?

I think I know what it is.

I usually charge 800, but...

I'm gonna give it to you for 600.

Talking about the painting?

That's great.

'Cause I love your art so much.

-It's gonna look great. -I can't wait to hang it.

So happy.

As a business owner, you can't join in in the same way.

You know, you can't worry about if people like you or not.

Yeah, I mean, I...

Shit.

I get that with my employees,

but we're talking about my oldest friends.

I mean, of course I'm gonna be worried about what they think.

-That's where you're fucking up. -Why?

Because I don't think your friends even invited you on this trip.

Did Abby tell you that?

Did she say five people were coming?

What? No.

Well, I'm saying work is a big part of who you are.

So if they don't let you talk about work,

then they're not letting you be on this trip.

Yeah, okay. Can I just say something?

No. Remember what I said?

About the phrase "Can I just say something?"

-Just walk away from that phrase. -Fuck, right.

When I was a kid,

I was always alone, you know?

My mom was a single, working mother, that whole deal, right?

And it really wasn't until I met these girls that I...

experienced family.

That's powerful.

Friendship is powerful.

You gotta do that show.

Stay busy, pizza for one. Be honest with yourself,

work is your best friend. And you gotta get contestants on that show

that are kids, because I love watching kids with knives.

Yeah.

This weekend is a mess.

I can't even plan a fun birthday trip.

Can I quote one of my favorite song lyrics?

"Self-doubt is self-worth

in another universe."

What song is that?

My own.

Of course.

Is the paella ready yet?

Just about, maybe another four hours or so.

Oh, Jesus.

-How are you gonna get that thing home? -I don't know. I'll fucking fold it.

You know what?

Today was not an amazing day in wine country.

So, suck on that.

-So how is it? Are you having fun? -This trip is three nights too long.

But the trip is only three nights. Oh. I get it.

I wish I was there.

Hello, this is Olivia from Dr. Melton's office

calling to let you know that the results from your blood work are in.

If you could please give us a call back at your earliest convenience...

Fuck!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my back!

My back!

Oh, no.

Oh, my God, no.

Guys!

Hey.

So, quick update, the paella is still simmering.

It's gonna take a little longer than I thought.

Whatever, Devon.

Any chance we could have sex?

Fine.

Good morning, sunshine.

I'd love to stick around and snuggle, but the paella is probably peaking.

Devon, get the fuck out.

To be continued.

Rebecca?

What's going on? Are you okay? Did you pass out?

No, I'm not okay.

-I threw my back out. -Oh, no.

-Okay, let me call Tammy. -No, Naomi, shut up, shut it.

-Okay. -Just help me up here.

You got it.

-Okay, just get me up. -Okay, you got it.

-Okay, ready? One, two, three... -No problem.

Oh, honey.

Are you okay?

I was lying here all night.

And I realized...

Abby was right about me.

I did need to take a good hard look in the mirror,

or in this case, the door.

And as I was lying here,

I saw every truth about myself.

Soon,

a trio of raccoons joined me.

Right there.

Yeah.

I locked eyes with the dad.

Once you've looked in the eye of a raccoon,

you know your truth.

How did you know he was the dad?

He was just the leader, I could tell.

But you didn't, like, look at--

They were all with me, though. They stayed here. It was amazing.

-You saw a family of raccoons? -Yes.

And you communicated with them?

I connected with them more than anyone this whole weekend.

Honey, did you take that molly?

They helped me see what I really am.

-An old lady. -What?

Yes, it's true. I'm old, 50!

-That's half a fucking century. -Listen...

we are all getting older, and... maybe our bodies aren't working--

Fuck feedback. I don't want any feedback right now.

-Okay. -I need to make some big changes.

Number one...

I'm in a shitty marriage.

Brian is a world-class ding-dong.

Thank God.

Brian sucks.

Hey, what's going on in here?

Rebecca threw her back out, and Brian sucks.

What? No.

Val, she knows.

-Thank God. -Yeah, we don't like him.

-Such an asshole. -I'm done lying to myself.

I'm ready to tell it like it is.

It's just like Lady Sunshine said.

It is later than we think, so--

Okay. Get me up off this floor.

'Cause we are gonna do everything on that goddamn itinerary,

and we are gonna do it now!

This is really good news, 'cause I have planned exciting things.

Where's Catherine? Has anyone seen her this morning?

Oh, my God, did she leave early to do that stupid-ass cooking show?

Unbelievable, she full-on bailed on Rebecca's birthday.

-Oh, happy birthday by the way. -Happy birthday!

Load me up!

-Okay. -Let's go!

-You all right? -Go! Move!

-Okay, don't-- -Get me out of this bathrobe, though.

It's really depressing. Put me in my finest muumuu!

Hey! Good news.

Two hours and counting on the paella.

How in God's name is that paella not ready?

I got a little sidetracked last night.

-Stop. -Okay, you know what? It's fine.

-We don't even want the paella. -No, I can't wait to taste it, Devon.

No, let's not bullshit him. We don't want the paella.

Life is too short to wait for the paella!

Ladies, we are gonna grab this day by the motherfucking balls.

I'm gonna get this wheely chair onto this senior van,

-and I'm going to my birthday brunch! -Yeah! All right, let's do it!

Let's move it! Yeah!

I feel every bump.

-Oh, okay, sorry. -Okay, no, it's all right.

My work here is done.

Okay, are you ready?

-Lay it on me. Big five-oh. -Okay, here we go.

-Keep your eyes closed. -Okay.

Happy, happy birthday It's your special day

Have a slice of pizza What's your favorite way? Hey!

This is like end of A League of Their Own

where the baseball ladies show up at the hall of fame.

So, check it out.

I just want to show you what I-- what we did. Okay.

We got the original sign from Antonio's.

It says "Happy birthday, Rebecca."

There's pictures of us. These are the prices...

Oh, my God.

...that we had when we were waiting tables.

Here is the mural that somebody did a copy of.

But what's different about the face?

-You didn't! How did you do that? -We had Antonio's pizza flown in.

-And these... -Oh, my God.

...are the original bread baskets we used. And everyone can take one of these home.

Wow. That is--

Okay, so, Antonio could not be with us 'cause he's dead.

But we have our DJ dressed up like Antonio,

and he is ready to get this party started!

Well, doesn't this look fun.

-Catherine! -Cut it!

Catherine! Hey! Catherine!

Sorry, we thought you left.

I have a shirt for you.

-Did you guys even notice that I was gone? -We tried to contact you.

-The Wi-Fi here is... -The password is so long.

I shouldn't have even come on this trip. I'm clearly not wanted.

I mean, and Abby, can you just be honest?

Did you get a five-bedroom because I wasn't really invited?

What? No. I honestly thought Jenny wouldn't show.

-Same. -Whatever, I don't care anymore.

Don't worry, you clearly won't notice that I'm gone.

Wow.

Hey, cut it.

I thought she was clapping.

-It was a slow clap. -She's clapping sarcastically.

Wait, who's talking? I can't see. What's happening?

-Okay, what's going on here? -Oh, what's going on here

is I threw my back out 'cause I'm old.

Oh, my God, Rebecca, you are not old.

Oh, please, just don't throw the word "vivacious" at me or I will lose it.

Naomi, what is with the slow clap?

Oh, I am just applauding

the greatest self-fulfilling prophecy of all time.

What are you talking about?

You always think that you're not invited or we leave you out.

So you bury yourself in your work,

but then, you're so buried in your work that you are left out.

I'm busy, okay? I can't just take off work whenever I feel like it,

and I shouldn't have to apologize for being successful.

We are not asking you to apologize for being successful.

I'm proud as fuck of you!

But have you ever considered that we might really need you here?

We all need all of us here.

I need to know that we're all gonna be there for each other,

because this group is sacred to me

And if we can't get through a weekend together,

well, then I'm completely lost.

I am going through a really hard time, and...

I... You know what?

God, fuck it!

Fuck!

Fuck. DJ, play that fucking song!

Cut it.

What hard time?

I finally took the BRCA gene test.

And my results came back,

and I'm too afraid to call because I'm not ready to hear

that I'm dying of breast cancer. Okay?

My God.

Why isn't anybody telling anybody shit?

Because Lady Sunshine was right.

No, she wasn't.

Maybe I should go after her.

There's a slideshow coming up that I think's gonna really lift her spirits.

Abby, do you really think a slideshow is gonna make her fears go away?

What? I don't know. Maybe.

Look, Rebecca. I'm just trying to fix this birthday

so you can have fun, okay? Why is this so difficult?

All right, Abby, let's get real here, okay?

You got fired, right? And this planning this birthday

is probably the first sense of control you've had in years.

That's totally okay, but you asked me over and over

what I wanted for my birthday, but you didn't listen.

So let's stop pretending that this weekend is about me

because it's all about you.

Don't come after me.

I'm not coming after you. This is a dual storm out.

Where are we going? Do you see them?

Naomi, stop.

Leave me alone. I want to be by myself.

I wanna be by myself!

Naomi, wait, you're not dying.

You're gonna be fine.

Really? How do you know, Val? What are you, an oracle?

Are your eyeballs a mammogram?

You just scan me, and you know I'm gonna be fine?

I don't know, okay? I'm trying to be a nice person.

Can I ask you something? Why did you tip Lady Sunshine?

She charged, like, $500 to tell all of us that we sucked.

I can tip whoever the hell I want as much as I want.

I'm a grown-ass woman.

Good. Go tip the whole world. See how that works for you.

This is a nightmare.

Then go home, Jenny.

We all know you want to.

All weekend, all these withering glances, making me feel like two cents.

Well, what do you want? A round of applause for most planning?

Naomi, be a grown-up and call your doctor.

You are acting like a millennial.

How dare--

-Something bit me! -What did?

Oh, my God! A snake.

What?

-Oh, my God! -No!

-Someone tell me what's happening! -Naomi got bit by a snake!

Oh, my God, it's like the cards.

-Old rocks, snakes. -Oh, my God, it's happening.

Lady Sunshine was for real. I bet if we looked it up on the internet,

we'd find out that she's been dead for 50 years.

Oh, my God, my leg is seizing up! Fuck!

Everybody, stay really calm. We need to elevate it. We need to ice it.

We need to call 911. We're gonna call 911.

We're calling 911. Fuck me, there's no signal.

-Fucking never service. -Does anyone have a hot spot?

Does anyone know how to get it brighter?

-I just took three pictures. -...then look for brightness...

-My phone is so slow. -Oh, my God, I'm gonna die!

No, you're not gonna die, Naomi.

You're not gonna die, and you know why? 'Cause I'm going to get help.

Val 2.0!

Val!

Oh, my God!

Shit! It sounds like Val's getting smaller!

Wait!

-Wait! -What's going on?

-What was that? -Val fell down the hill.

-I'm going. -What? You're going?

Wait, Jenny's going?

Someone's gotta help her.

Why don't we just go back the way we came in?

No! Hell no! There's snakes back there.

-No, Jenny! -What's happening?

-Jenny? -Jenny, no!

Jenny? Oh, my God, how is she not falling?

Hey, Jenny!

Wow. Did she ski as a kid?

Man, she's keeping that wine safe.

I am not gonna die

of a poisonous snake bite on the top of this hill.

Not today, Satan! I got this.

What?

-I'm going! -Okay, now, Naomi's going.

Help me out of this cart, I need to go down the hill.

What about your back?

-You know what? It's my birthday. -Oh, God.

And I'm not gonna lay here and watch the fucking clouds go by.

Now, get me off this cart.

Hold on.

-Naomi, you can do it! -There's wine down here!

Go!

-Oh, boy. -Oh, cripes.

-No... -Jump!

Naomi!

Fuck!

Is everybody okay?

Oh, my God.

That fixed my back!

Oh, God!

I'm gonna take the easy way.

-You did it. That was crazy. -We did it.

Oh, my God.

Easy.

Just get to the bush, and you're fine from there.

That's what she said.

Just let go! We're here for you!

You got this, Abby.

-I'm gonna let go! -You can do it!

You're braving the wilderness, Abby!

-You got it! Yeah! -Of course I'm the last one left.

Oh, my God.

Hello? Oh, hi!

Hi! The whole team's there. Hi, guys!

-Cath, come on! -Yeah!

Great, go ahead.

Are you kidding me? She's taking a call?

Okay.

So you're saying that you think I would be stupid to pass on this offer.

Well, I'm gonna be stupid. I'm gonna pass.

You know what? Life is just going by me faster than I thought it would,

and I'm tired of chasing the next big thing.

I-- It's kept me from living in the present.

Okay, I'm gonna hang up before I change my mind.

In case you're wondering, I said no to the job!

-What is she saying? -We can't hear you!

I wanna be able to go on vacation, you know?

I'm so sorry, we can't hear you!

But here's the thing you do have to know about me.

I love working.

I do. I love it.

But I'm gonna come down there.

I'm coming down now,

because I choose you.

-I mean, should we nod? -I can't hear a word.

I didn't get one word of that.

Adrian, comma, send ambulance to Sacred Moon Winery, period.

Friend bitten by snake, exclamation point, question mark.

Snake emoji. Send.

Swan dive maybe wasn't the best idea.

Gonna feel that one tomorrow.

But it was glorious.

Thanks.

Okay, so the snake wasn't venomous.

We treated it with some antibacterial cream, and...

you're all good.

Well, I'm definitely not all good.

Little condescending.

So, we almost died on that hill because of a non-venomous snake?

Yeah, you know, honestly, I think it might have been a sharp twig.

Sometimes those catch you at the wrong angle.

No, it was a snake. We saw a snake.

Also, I'm a grown woman.

I think I know when I've been bit by a snake.

Let me guess, Dr. Dickswing,

it's because of her period.

That's the problem with the medical establishment, no one listens to women.

Right. This is why more women die of heart attacks, right here.

Also, I don't appreciate it

when you grin at me while giving me my results.

'Cause I could have died.

When I get home,

and if there is venom in my ankle,

I'm gonna come back here and make sure you personally suck it out.

-Yeah. -Suck it.

I'm not entirely sure what's happening here.

-Thank you, that'll be all. -Okay, thank you.

Also, tell your mom to pick you up after your shift, Doogie!

Fucking dickweed.

So should we...

head on back to the house?

We need to make a call.

Call doctor...?

Melton.

Call Dr. Melton.

Hello, Dr. Melton's office.

Hi, this is Naomi Reid.

I'm calling for the results of my BRCA test.

Yes, let me get the results for you. Let me put you on a brief hold, okay?

Yeah.

That was a really good Naomi.

No matter what this news is, we got you, okay?

Hi, Mrs. Reid?

Hi, yes, your blood work came back negative.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And what were the results of my fart test?

I don't have it.

Hey, Janiece.

How's your son? Still on the chess team?

-Oh, yeah, big nerd. -It's the only way to raise 'em.

Hey, Tammy's here.

How'd you know where we were at?

Well, I heard on the scanner that six middle-aged ladies

went to the ER. Figured it had to be you guys.

So, do you still want me to call that taxi for you?

No. My friend will drive us.

Did not know we were using the f-word.

I am deleting Jade.

I'm too cool for her, I think.

-Indeed. -Poor thing.

Well, at least you got a great painting of the Nanny out of the deal.

What did that cost you? Like, 50 bucks?

Yeah, about that.

-Let me take that plant off your hands. -You deserve it, Janiece.

Okay, come on, truck's out front.

What happened to you guys anyway?

-Fell down a hill. -Seems about right.

-Thank you, Tammy. -De nada. Now...

I'm just gonna remind you to ping-pong between water and wine

because that helps with the hangover.

Oh, is that... the things we say now?

Absolutely.

-Good job, Tammy! -Oh, good one, Tammy!

-I'm gonna let you guys get to it. -Tammy, stay and hang with us.

-No, that's all right. -Yeah! Sit right there.

Come have some fun.

-Park it. Drop your can. -Park your pooter.

-Thank you very much. -All right, ladies, I just want to say...

thank you for a great birthday.

Rebecca. Happy birthday to Rebecca.

-Come on, give it to me! All about me! -Rebecca!

-Happy birthday, love you. -Cheers.

Cheers.

Oh, my God.

-Oh, wow. -It's cool, right?

Abby, did you plan this?

I love it!

I'm so glad you like it.

Guys, I fucked Devon.

-What? -Excuse me?

I fucked Devon. I had sex with him. I fucked Devon.

-Paella Devon? -Yeah.

Oh, my God.

This is mind-blowing.

-Was it good? -Oh, yeah.

Dang.

Ew, they're cheersing to it.

Oh, my God.

-I, too, fucked Devon. -What?

-No. -Yeah, I did.

-Don't do that right now. -Did everybody fuck Devon?

Did I fuck Devon?

Guess he really did come with the house.

-Oh, Tammy liked that one! -Okay.

You know, I'm really glad I came on this trip.

Oh, my God.

I love you guys.

Are we singing that last part wrong, or are we singing--

-I beefed it so many times. -I beefed it many times.