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1
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,242
I have given a strange
girl the most beautiful gift...
2
00:00:08,276 --> 00:00:10,078
The gift of becoming a vampiric
3
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:13,047
bloodsucking creature
of the shadows.
4
00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,382
Did you see that?
5
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,659
She has not yet blossomed
6
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,519
into her full vampiric state,
7
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,254
but I think she is on her way.
8
00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:23,657
Oh, what the hell
is happening to me?
9
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,560
Sorry if I don't
10
00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:29,163
seem up to my normal self.
I just...
11
00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:31,432
I've just been
going through changes.
12
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,603
Having crazy dreams.
13
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:36,970
Like, super weird.
14
00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:41,942
My friends have noticed.
15
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,880
Mood swings. Unusual cravings.
16
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,952
I'm usually a flexatarian.
17
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,188
Who else?
Michelangelo Buonarroti.
18
00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:55,689
Michelangelo...
19
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,591
I've developed
an eye sensitivity
20
00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:00,328
and skin sensitivity.
21
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,031
And sometimes...
22
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,633
sometimes I have this urge
23
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,068
to tear my roommate to shreds.
24
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:46,940
Thank you all for
coming to this house meeting.
25
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:51,011
I must remind everyone that
if you are gonna entice a victim
26
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:54,114
into the house
and then you let them live,
27
00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,283
show them out.
28
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,684
- Loud and clear.
- Fair enough.
29
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:57,861
- It's common courtesy.
- All right. Yes.
30
00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,353
- It is.
- It is. -Also,
31
00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,989
is it possible,
for when you leave the house,
32
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:05,025
to blow out the candles?
33
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:08,929
Observe.
34
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,631
Simple as that.
Major catastrophe
35
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,266
- averted.
- What is that
36
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,268
disgusting, putrefied smell?
37
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,537
Like a... snake in heat?
38
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,005
That may be me.
39
00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:21,375
I'm wearing a new cologne called
"Mr. Hijinks."
40
00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:22,819
- Okay, great. I am...
- Aftershave?
41
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,645
It's a cologne-aftershave mix
42
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,315
- and I found it in the bathroom at work.
- Eh, great.
43
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,517
Can we just not talk about
the cologne anymore, please?
44
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,027
- Why would you use a cologne?
- Shush!
45
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:32,085
To annoy you.
46
00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:34,522
- Touché.
- Please, I am speaking here!
47
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:37,057
And when I was the leader
of my country,
48
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:40,160
I would kill anyone
who disrespected me
49
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,829
when I'm talking about candles.
50
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,698
You were the leader
of a country?
51
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:48,569
Yes. I was the leader
of Al Quolanudar.
52
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,205
That sounds like
you just made it up.
53
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,016
- Sounds fake.
- No, I have not just made it up.
54
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,675
It's a real country.
55
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,353
It's not a fake country,
it's a real country.
56
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:57,911
Al Quolanudar.
57
00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,680
- Bless you.
- Guillermo, go on your
58
00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,650
intelligent telephone machine
and l-look it up.
59
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,693
Spell that A...
60
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,852
- A-L. New word.
- Uh-huh.
61
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,487
- I've got it.
- Oh, great!
62
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,188
Uh, how-how's it doing?
63
00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,824
Not so hot. It's dissolved.
64
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,562
- Wha... When did this happen?
- 1401.
65
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,499
To find out that your country
66
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,669
has not existed since 1401
67
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,371
is a pretty sudden shock.
68
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,374
It was my home.
69
00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,176
Yes, I was driven out
for pillaging
70
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:32,280
and killing and torturing,
71
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:35,383
and that's fair enough, really.
But now what do I have?
72
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,987
Nowhere is my home.
73
00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,891
Aah!
74
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:48,037
It is very disgusting for me
to see this little one like this.
75
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,229
She is like a disabled,
76
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,231
very sickly donkey
77
00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:54,234
that you want to smash
in the skull because it is just
78
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,036
too pitiful to look at.
79
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,438
Eh, I suppose I was not
80
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,882
much different when I first
became a vampire.
81
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,408
No one had had
82
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,444
"the talk" with me
about my unholy transition.
83
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:06,146
I had had no one to guide me.
84
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:14,254
This is a bag of soil
from my homeland
85
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,923
that I take with me
when I travel.
86
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:19,560
'Tis all that is left
of Al Quolanudar.
87
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,095
Al Quolanudar!
88
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,798
Al Quolanudar... Shit.
89
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,508
Oh, my God!
90
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:36,977
Forget it.
91
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,446
What?
92
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,013
You are released.
93
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:41,949
I'm not hungry.
94
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:43,751
It's just...
95
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:47,087
I just found out that my country
doesn't exist anymore
96
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,922
and I'm really depressed
about it.
97
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,624
And I've lost my appetite.
98
00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,326
You don't want to hear
about all this.
99
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,762
- Y-You were running away.
- W...
100
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,664
Are you okay?
101
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:59,032
It's kind of you to ask,
but really, you go.
102
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,134
Flee. Flee!
103
00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:06,874
Master, are you all right?
104
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:10,811
I have no country.
I have no home.
105
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,981
What? No, this is your home.
106
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,883
And this is your country.
107
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:18,486
No, it's not and it's not.
108
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,254
Well, maybe you'd feel better
if you were an American citizen?
109
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,992
- Is that possible?
- Of course.
110
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,127
Yes.
111
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,498
I will make an alliance
with this unholy nation
112
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,966
and make this place my home!
113
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,067
There you go.
114
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,244
I think that's a bus stop there.
115
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,270
I'll see you back at home.
116
00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,812
Yeah, it's become
pretty clear to me
117
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:48,081
- that I'm turning into a vampire.
- I bit your neck.
118
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,884
I made you drink my blood.
What did you think I was doing?
119
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:54,755
I don't know. I-I just didn't
think vampires existed and...
120
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:58,692
You are giving me sarcasm?
121
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,228
I-I enjoy.
122
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,731
Am I gonna feel like crap
for all eternity?
123
00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:07,668
Darling, you feel like crap
because you are eating crap.
124
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,237
You are living
like a little chimney boy.
125
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:13,507
If you want to be a powerful,
strong vampire,
126
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,943
you just have to complete
your transition.
127
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,779
- How do I do that?
- Darling, it's nothing. You just
128
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,214
got to drink
some human blood, baby.
129
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:25,252
That's all. I am going
to teach you how to kill.
130
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,296
Okay, is there any way I could
just drink their blood,
131
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,757
- but not kill them?
- Shh.
132
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:33,160
- You just shut up now, my stupid little baby.
- Okay.
133
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,231
So I promised to help my master
134
00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:41,034
- apply for citizenship.
- Yes?
135
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,036
Ah, Guillermo. Excellent.
136
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,439
I called Immigration, and
137
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:48,141
you are eligible
for citizenship.
138
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,553
- You actually started the process,
- Great.
139
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,111
But you didn't finish.
140
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,145
I didn't?
141
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:54,247
No. 1992.
142
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,617
I did apply
for my American citizenship
143
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,819
back in 1992.
144
00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:01,955
For five reasons
and five reasons only:
145
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:06,760
Johnson, Jordan,
Bird, Barkley, Ewing.
146
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:09,429
The starting lineup for the 1992.
147
00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:13,400
U.S. Olympic
men's basketball team.
148
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,469
The Dream Team, baby.
149
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:18,271
I call this my Dunk Zone.
150
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,940
They were merciless.
151
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,809
Titans amongst men.
152
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:23,410
Conquerors of the court.
153
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,812
I simply had to
154
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:27,948
pledge my undying allegiance
to their nation.
155
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,025
Well, what happened in 1992?
156
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,919
Why didn't you
complete the process?
157
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:35,623
Probably because the Macarena
swept the nation.
158
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:39,192
So... I didn't really have time
for anything else.
159
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:42,095
Okay, every vampire has
their own special power.
160
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,997
So, we need to work out
what yours is,
161
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:47,334
so you can trap and kill
your first human meal.
162
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,770
I can fold my tongue
like a taco.
163
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,004
What's that? Oh, no.
164
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,807
No. Let's try... You seduce me.
165
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,643
I am just stupid human man.
166
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,845
Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls.
167
00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,280
I'd love to drink beer.
168
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,383
- Okay.
- Bite your lip seductively.
169
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,954
- Ow.
- Okay.
170
00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,223
Maybe seduction
isn't your special power.
171
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,491
Well, what's your power?
172
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,861
I am an excellent crawler.
173
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,062
- You can see.
- Oh.
174
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,702
Oh, she can do everything.
175
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,895
Come on, try it. Maybe you're
a creepy crawler like me.
176
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,206
Darling, it's very easy,
177
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,341
you just scratch up the wall.
178
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:31,311
That's right. Come on.
That's it. You're doing...
179
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,649
Oh, no, are you okay?
180
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,250
What the hell is going on?
181
00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:40,220
What's all this mess
and what are you doing up there?
182
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,566
Calm down, Laszlo. I was just
teaching the little stupid baby
183
00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,024
vampire how to crawl.
184
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,325
- Who?
- Jenna.
185
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,860
- Who's Jenna?
- She's right there.
186
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,162
Oh, right, I didn't see you.
187
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,530
She should be in a bloody cage.
188
00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:52,265
Laszlo.
189
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,668
That's a horrible thing to say.
190
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,270
- Ah, see what you've done.
- Ruined her confidence.
191
00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,941
- - Damn.
- Idiot.
192
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,410
Okay, just imagine
we're at the Immigration office
193
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,945
and I'll be
the government official.
194
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,580
When and where were you born?
195
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:09,783
Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262.
196
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,018
And where is that?
197
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,219
Southern Iran.
198
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,553
Mm-hmm.
199
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,255
Maybe not mention Iran.
200
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,790
Why did you leave your country?
201
00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:20,293
Standard reasons.
Uh, driven out by peasants.
202
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,563
How many times
have you been married?
203
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,565
- Just the once.
- Okay.
204
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:26,800
To 37 women.
205
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:30,270
Jenna,
206
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,240
Laszlo is very sorry
and he has something to say.
207
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,442
I say, little vampire,
208
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,444
I'm very sorry for saying
209
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,446
you should be kept in a cage.
210
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:42,249
All of my knowledge
and the best of my abilities
211
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,416
will turn you into
212
00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:47,220
the most impressive vampire
there is.
213
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,656
Yes!
214
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:50,624
Hello.
215
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:53,493
- Really?
- Absolutely.
216
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:54,995
Who is George Washington?
217
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,496
- George Washington?
- Yes.
218
00:09:56,529 --> 00:10:00,567
America's first gay president.
219
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,936
I don't think that George
Washington was actually...
220
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,471
Yes.
221
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,440
- Hello, Nandor!
- Hello.
222
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,842
Is that that virgin girl?
223
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,343
Hi.
224
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:12,612
Is she a vampire now?
225
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:15,348
Well, she's got fangs
and the white pale face...
226
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:16,984
It's a pretty major clue.
227
00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:20,688
Anyway, which one is better:
228
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,823
Alt-right or Antifa?
229
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,992
I'm trying to decide
which team to join...
230
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,361
I just, uh,
found out that Nadja has turned someone...
231
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,798
Someone so random,
it's crazy, like, it's crazy...
232
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,300
Into a vampire.
233
00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:37,671
The transformation into a bat
234
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,506
is probably
the most important thing
235
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,508
- a vampire can do.
- Yes.
236
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,952
Do you have somewhere
that I could put my clothes?
237
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,387
- No, no, no. Don't do that.
- Wait, what are you doing?
238
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:47,647
If I'm gonna be a bat,
then don't I have to get...
239
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,249
nak... Where do my clothes go?
240
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:51,952
Huh.
241
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,220
Um...
242
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,488
let's not get bogged down
in the details.
243
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,657
- Keep your clothes on for now.
- Oh, okay.
244
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,293
Right.
245
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,062
When I turn into a bat,
246
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,731
there's no real skill
to it at all.
247
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,033
I just shout "bat!"
248
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,502
Human form!
249
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,671
- Much like that.
- Oh, wow.
250
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:12,706
Your turn.
251
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,241
Okay.
252
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,078
Bat!
253
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,713
- Oh.
- Ooh.
254
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,882
It's okay.
Calm down and just stop screaming.
255
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:23,483
- Terrifying.
- What the heck?
256
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,994
- What would you even call that?
- I don't know.
257
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,820
"We, the people..."
258
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,756
We, the people...
259
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,590
"We, the..."
260
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,359
- Ow!
- What was that?
261
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,395
Sounded like someone threw
a bag of garbage off the roof.
262
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,865
Well, go and investigate.
263
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,504
Sorry, hi.
264
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,740
- Yep. Bag of garbage.
- Uh, hi.
265
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:48,909
Is there any way
you could let me back in?
266
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,744
Yeah.
267
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,090
You can
figure it out on your own
268
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,715
since you're
a fucking vampire now.
269
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,017
Guillermo?
270
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,987
I can hear you.
Heightened senses.
271
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,127
I just don't understand.
Turning into a bat
272
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,629
is the easiest thing
for a vampire to do.
273
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,800
I am not disappointed
with Jenna's progress so far.
274
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:16,136
So, you know, maybe she
doesn't have a special power.
275
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,471
So what?
She's a below-average vampire.
276
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,473
Either way, I do think
she's very much ready
277
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,075
for her first human meal.
278
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,476
I believe in you very much.
279
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:24,744
We're going to go to a party
280
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,279
full of hot idiots.
281
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:27,781
We demand you invite us
282
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,250
inside your house carnival, now.
283
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,052
Yeah, that's gonna be a "no."
284
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,320
Ew.
285
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,923
We will do whatever the hell
we want to do.
286
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:39,893
And you will respect women
a lot more after this, okay?
287
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,094
Okay.
288
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,234
Obviously, I'm just going to
289
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:51,171
hypnotize my interviewer
into giving me my citizenship.
290
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:54,174
When was the last time you
traveled out of this country?
291
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:55,809
Listen to my words.
292
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:58,278
You will grant me
293
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,014
my American citizenship.
294
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:04,852
Make me one
with your evil empire.
295
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,922
Is this a joke to you, sir?
296
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,924
Um...
297
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,559
No.
298
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,429
- Good.
- It seems
299
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,598
that, uh, government workers
300
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,334
are immune to hypnotism.
301
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:24,671
It's like their souls are dead
or something.
302
00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:27,274
Please describe
the right to bear arms.
303
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,643
If it's a nice day,
304
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:34,547
you should have the right
305
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:37,817
to bare your arms.
306
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,520
All right. Moving on.
307
00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:41,521
I don't detect
308
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,891
any human left in them.
309
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,835
Right. Who in here looks
310
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,861
lovely, yummy-yummy,
tasty enough to eat?
311
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,329
Oh, what about him?
312
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:50,964
He looks like
a really good laugh.
313
00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,632
He's in my stats class.
314
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,001
So?
315
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,136
So, I-I cannot kill him
316
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,371
because that would be
a very big blow to his family.
317
00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,573
I can't take that on,
emotionally.
318
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,841
Please, darling, listen to me.
319
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,411
We are in a room
full of pure asshole.
320
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,179
You can do no wrong. Honestly.
321
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,016
I believe in you, my darling.
322
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,417
- Okay.
- Okay.
323
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,386
We elect a president
for how many years?
324
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,722
A thousand years.
325
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,029
Okay.
326
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,696
The idea of self-government
327
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:26,833
is in the first three words
of the Constitution.
328
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,969
So, what are these words?
329
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:32,872
Hmm?
330
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:36,209
"Hey... you guys."
331
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,911
Yeah. Okay.
332
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:41,781
What does the Constitution
do for the people?
333
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,416
- It...
- Oppresses them.
334
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,121
Try and get his attention,
darling.
335
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,789
Lovely red face.
336
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,959
Are you enjoying your drink?
337
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:54,594
Are you enjoying your drink?!
338
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,863
- I don't think he hears me.
- No,
339
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,807
I just think maybe
you're not trying hard enough.
340
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,133
Just watch me, okay?
341
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,069
Oh, hello.
342
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:06,306
Oops, I'm... very sorry
for bumping into you.
343
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,408
I will punish myself later,
344
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,710
'cause I'm such a bad girl.
345
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,112
Who are your parents?
346
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,613
They are very bad
347
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:17,584
for making such a big boy.
348
00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,286
I love you.
349
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,787
So much.
350
00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,090
See? It's very, very easy.
351
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,068
Just might want to spend
the rest of my life with you.
352
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,727
- I live to be your slave.
- Yes, yes. Now, go upstairs,
353
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,997
put your head
deep inside the toilet bowl,
354
00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,165
and flush it seven times.
355
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,436
I think-I think
that was an abuse of power.
356
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,505
I think it's just
an abuse of that boy.
357
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,107
Oh, my...!
358
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:41,141
Hello.
359
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,242
Hello?!
360
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,476
Okay. No, it's okay.
361
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,245
- He'll-he'll apologize.
- No.
362
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,679
You have just spilled
363
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,948
your tankard of mead
all over my companion.
364
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,117
What? Who?
365
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,184
Me.
366
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,187
This is pointless!
367
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,688
Nobody sees me!
368
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,991
Why don't they see me?
This is pointless!
369
00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,492
No, darling, it's not pointless.
370
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:01,928
No! I'm done! I'm done.
I've had it.
371
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,330
- Thank you, I'm sorry.
- But...
372
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,532
Excuse me! Could you just...
373
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,368
Can you just get out of my way?!
374
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,936
Get out of my way!
375
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,005
Why does nobody hear me?!
376
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,108
Wh...
377
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,546
- Whoa!
- What is that?
378
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,316
Did you see?
379
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:24,984
Did anyone... Really?!
380
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,153
- Jenna?
- Whoa.
381
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,021
You went invisible.
382
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,490
The... Didn't you see it?
383
00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,626
You have a very,
very special power.
384
00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:37,030
You are going to murder so many
human people with this.
385
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,035
Yes.
386
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,148
This is the
best night of my life!
387
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,582
- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- Where has she gone?
388
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:49,076
Dracula's in the house!
389
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,477
Where's my Jenna?
390
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:51,644
There she is!
391
00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,546
This is amazing!
392
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:57,050
I have a cool vampire power.
393
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:59,186
Now, I wonder if anyone looks
394
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,853
a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummy
395
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,490
for you to murder with
your mouth right now, hey?
396
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,032
Pick him up!
397
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,515
- What the fuck?!
- Hi.
398
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,949
Hey, there. Um, no, it's okay.
399
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,585
Aah!
400
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:36,289
Ah...
401
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,363
Hmm.
402
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,199
Just need a little bit of...
little bit of chill.
403
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,901
Okay, s-sorry. Hold-hold still.
404
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,471
Just gonna get the lid on
nice and tight and...
405
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,107
on your blood, so it doesn't,
um, leak in my backpack.
406
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,808
I've done as you asked,
Mistress.
407
00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:57,277
Not now, big boy.
408
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:58,611
Go and eat some bricks.
409
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,548
Now,
410
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,116
to test
your English comprehension,
411
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,118
I'm going to ask you to recite
412
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,619
the Oath of Allegiance.
413
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,355
Okay.
414
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,291
"I hereby declare, on oath,"
415
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,726
"that I absolutely and entirely
renounce and abjure"
416
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,563
"all allegiance and fidelity
to any foreign prince"
417
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,598
"and without
any mental reservation"
418
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:22,335
"or purpose of evasion,
so help me G..."
419
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,107
So help me G...
420
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,610
So help me G...
421
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:34,281
Could I possibly
just skip the last bit? Huh?
422
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:39,452
So help me Go...
423
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,289
Oh...
424
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,757
Ow. Ow.
425
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:55,368
You ready to go?
426
00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:57,270
I didn't pass.
427
00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,439
Made a fool out of myself.
428
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,141
I have no country,
I have no home.
429
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,311
I have no people.
430
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,946
I'm like a little lost duck,
431
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,182
floating about
in the middle of the ocean.
432
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,218
Oh, will you stop fucking
complaining?
433
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,521
- Excuse me?
- You know, I'm tired of it.
434
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,456
So what? You're not
a fucking American citizen.
435
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,957
You're not
a citizen of anything.
436
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,559
You're a vampire!
437
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,661
Okay? You can fly.
438
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,663
You can transport
anywhere as a bat!
439
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:24,897
You are immortal.
440
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,400
Do you have any idea how much
441
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,536
people would pay,
who they would kill
442
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,137
just to be who you are?
443
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,672
To be in your shoes?
444
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,741
In your fucking shoes!
445
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,577
You should be fucking proud
of yourself.
446
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,712
Proud of who you are.
447
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,715
Wow.
448
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,016
Guillermo.
449
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,420
You are right.
450
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,689
I am a vampire.
451
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:52,925
A cool and powerful vampire.
452
00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,665
Hear my words!
453
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,402
I am a proud vampire!
454
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,204
I will not bow down
455
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,374
to your pathetic bureaucracies.
456
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,877
It is you
who will bow down to me!
457
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,613
I don't need your citizenship.
458
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,047
I will rule
459
00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,850
this earth for eternity
460
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,419
as you rot
461
00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:22,255
and your bones turn to dust!
462
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,957
Yes!
463
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,427
Sound the alarms!
464
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:30,697
It won't make no difference!
465
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,574
Guillermo...
466
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:45,412
I appreciate you telling me
how it is back there.
467
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:49,248
Your tone was
highly disrespectful, but...
468
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,451
you were right.
469
00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,652
Thank you.
470
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,587
You're welcome.
471
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:58,257
I guess now that you have
your, uh, confidence back,
472
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,827
you probably need
some vampire sidekick to...
473
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,228
Nah, I'm good.
474
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,497
Oh.
475
00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:06,098
Hands down,
the best night of my life.
476
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,301
I mean, I'm invisible, - Yes.
477
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,136
I ate my first dude,
478
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:12,439
and I've never
stayed up this late.
479
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,016
Can we, like,
watch the sun rise or something?
480
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,117
- That would be so nice.
- Oh...
481
00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,108
We could cozy up.
482
00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:18,110
About that... um...
483
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:19,746
Funny... very funny story.
484
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,948
You can never
go in the sun again,
485
00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:23,616
because if you do, you will
486
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,686
burst into a boiling ball
of flame.
487
00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:29,255
Sorry.
488
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,123
I am a little disappointed
I didn't get to be
489
00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:32,825
a American citizen.
490
00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:35,662
I was really looking forward
to buying a gun.
491
00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,506
Oh, you don't need to be
a citizen to get a gun.
492
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:38,965
They'll give those to anyone.
493
00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:40,867
- Really?
- Yeah.
494
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,636
Even in Al Quolanudar
you couldn't get a sword
495
00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:45,672
without the checking
of your background.
496
00:21:45,705 --> 00:21:46,873
I got it!
497
00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:49,275
What? What is it?
498
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,644
Motorcycle helmets protect
vampires from the sun.
499
00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:52,712
Haven't you seen Blade?
500
00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:54,213
They put the things on
501
00:21:54,246 --> 00:21:56,383
and then the sun can't hit you.
502
00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:58,017
- Oh.
- Trust me.
503
00:21:58,050 --> 00:22:00,520
It's the night of many firsts,
for both of us.
504
00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:03,289
You are now a
full, strong vampire.
505
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,057
You no longer need me.
506
00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:08,961
And thus, your never-ending
journey begins.
507
00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:11,364
- It's so exciting!
- It is!
508
00:22:11,398 --> 00:22:13,400
What the fuck?
509
00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:15,301
- Ow!
- Curse!
510
00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:16,335
Oh, that's very hot!
511
00:22:16,369 --> 00:22:19,706
We must go!
512
00:23:01,748 --> 00:23:03,716
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
35153
