Original subtitles

Richard Arc.

He's dead. He's dead?!

Well, I'm sorry. As I said, I didn't really know your father very well.

Could you...

I'm really very busy.

You can't understand how Trinity changed Dad, what it did to him.

Your niece? Hm.

I have grand plans for her.

You like me.

You...like me.

Are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?

What about round two?

You are...everything I hate.

You're a cold mass of ungodliness and inherited prejudice and...

Now, I never, ever want to see you again!

So, please, for the sake of Trinity and your own place in it,

I want none of the bad behaviour or drunken mayhem

that is so traditional on Founder's Day.

Well done, but that had better be it.

She's really not going to like my contribution to the art fair.

As you know, dozens of Trinity alumni

will returning to the college today.

But none quite so impressive as a former student

who only hours ago confirmed his attendance -

an alumnus of 1983 - Crispin Hunter.

Crispin Hunter? Quite a coup.

That's a matter of opinion.

What - you don't agree? The man is a 24-carat prick.

Well, I gather he feels the same about you. It must drive you mad.

There he is - richest man in the world

and...what have you achieved in the last 20 years, Edmund?

Look, I don't care what he thinks about me.

What I do care about is Trinity.

Well, Founder's Day is an opportunity

for our alumni to give something back to the college

and with Mr Hunter's help, I could really change this place.

Change? In what way? Every way.

And then apparently, at the end of every Founder's Day,

students just get really drunk and throw themselves down Trinity Mound.

It's pathetic! Everyone in college just mucks around and gets drunk.

Looking ravishing as always.

I said you looked nice. What's wrong with that?!

Either of you care to enlighten me?

Such a dick. I still can't believe him and Rosalind are related.

Hey, you're gonna be part of the family soon.

Meet your parents day today, isn't it?

Thanks. I'm actually bricking it, Mads.

Ah, Maddy!

Get in there, you beauty!

Get off her! What are you doing?!

Mate, get off her. It's all right, mate. We're engaged!

Oh. Right.

Gethin. Theo.

Wow! Gethin! You're here!

And there's more plenty more where that came from.

What are you doing here?

You invited me up here for the big Founding Day piss-up.

Oh, right! Sorry. I've been so busy and...

Not to worry. I'm here now.

Oi. You drink beer? Yeah.

Well, we could get coffee.

Bosh! I'm in!

I knew a black lad back in the village.

Had the most enormous wanger.

He's a plumber now.

So, if we do a prank good enough, we're out of being Fools?

Historically, yes.

A sufficient jest on Founder's Day will release you from your contract.

Well, I've got a feeling we're not gonna be fools much longer.

Yeah, Raj. I've kind of got that feeling too.

Check this.

It says 'knob cheese'. Instead of not saying knob cheese.

He likes it! You like it!

I'm free!

I'm laughing at you, you pathetic runts.

20 years ago, Jasper Richards and Owain McGarvey

faked an alien landing on the front quad.

Five years after that,

Tommy Sewell and Greg Dettinger simulated an outbreak of leprosy

that closed the college for six months.

These were great Fools, who deserved their freedom.

This crappy flag, however, will not trouble the annals of history.

What? You said 'annals'!

It sounds like 'anals'! It does! It actually does!

Word of advice - up your game and sharpish.

Right. Ready.

You look nice. Well, I feel like crap.

All these nights worrying. Worrying? About what?

Well, this thing with Cooper.

Why were Richard's papers in his room?

He and Maltravers are hiding something

and I do not like being out of the loop.

Particularly when it involves Richard Arc?

Well, you're probably right. I am fixating.

I just need Crispin Hunter's signature on that contract

and then it will all come out and Maltravers is gonna be my bitch.

Once a Trinity scholar, always a Trinity scholar.

Where is he? He should have been here half an hour ago.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Bridgeford University welcomes Mr Crispin Hunter.

Angela. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Crispin Hunter. Well, you certainly make an entrance.

Marvellous. That's one for the Hunter newsletter.

Angela Donne. Claudette.

Mr Hunter's personal assistant.

Gabriel Lloyd. We...

I hope you don't mind me bringing her along.

Without her at my side, I'm lost.

Literally. He may be a genius but he has no sense of direction.

No, the more the merrier. Shall we?

And this exhibition has been put together

by our Student Rep, Rosalind. Good morning.

What am I looking at here?

You are staring directly at my vagina.

A picture of my vagina.

Ah. And these ones?

Also my vagina. Just closer up.

Right. I see.

Rosalind, these weren't in the original approved submissions.

A late addition.

Very... lifelike.

Shall we move on? Well, I like the detail in this one.

That would be my clitoris.

Do you know, I think we've seen enough art.

Let's move on. Lots to show you. This way.

As you can see,

some of our facilities need modernising

but with your investment...

Mr Hunter.

This is Edmund Maltravers, Claudette -

the man I was telling you about.

Nothing nasty, I hope.

When I was at Trinity, Dr Maltravers selected me to be the college Fool.

I was mocked, bullied and degraded for the amusement of the Dandelions.

It made you the man you are today.

Same old doctor.

I swore that when I was rich enough,

I would return and make your life a misery.

So, when the delightful warden

offered me the opportunity to invest, I thought 'Bring it on!'

So, get ready, Eddie.

I'm going to take away from you the thing you love most - Trinity!

Rather melodramatic.

You can't fire me, Crispin.

Mr Hunter will set up a fund

providing very lucrative grants to the Dons.

In order to qualify for them,

they will have to meet criteria and support measures

approved by the warden. And...

Mr Hunter.

The plan isn't to have you fired, dear boy.

It's to chase you down a rabbit hole until you quit of your own volition.

The Dandelions don't pick the college Fool, Crispin.

He picks himself.

You were a pathetic, grasping boy.

His meagre talent made all the more absurd by his inflated ambition.

It was laughable then, it is laughable now.

Ha, ha, ha.

Enjoy the last remaining days of Trinity as you know it.

What a wanker.

Maybe if he hates you so much,

it was Hunter who smashed the Link.

No, he doesn't know anything about it.

No, his vandalism is done with a chequebook.

Edmund, without the implant,

the project's stagnant - it's going nowhere.

And now we can't speak to the Americans.

I'm aware of that, Linus.

No, the problem with Crispin bloody Hunter is nothing to do with it.

His money will enable our beloved warden to buy control of the Dons.

Pretty soon, she'll come after the Dandelion Club again.

Crispin, I think we should talk honestly. You've seen the college.

I've shown you what your money could do.

But we both know why you're here.

Maltravers.

I want him out of my college so I can run this place my way.

Down to business. I like it.

Enough flirting - time for penetration!

We could draw up specifics over lunch.

Agreed. Claudette, let's do our best to set the wheels in motion

while I'm still here.

It's time for the winds of change

to sweep across these dusty cobblestones.

Ah, This is Dorian Gaudain. He's President of the Dandelion Club.

Sorry I'm late. You requested the tour. Step this way.

Oh. Women aren't permitted entry.

I know.

Then Brian gets the ball. Bosh, he's off. Straight out of the ruck,

gets past five people.

And he's goose stepping now and he's almost at the line

but I'm like a wolf, see.

Now, I'm not on all fours or anything

but I've been tracking my prey and he's about to score

when suddenly...

From nowhere... Bosh! I take him down!

It was a cracking game!

Get in!

Kiss my hairy Welsh crack and despair!

Listen, mate, this has been really interesting and quite detailed

but I've got to go. I've got this big girlfriend/parent thing.

So...

Just excuse me for one sec.

Oi! You're not meeting your parents for another two hours.

Look, I just wanted some fresh air.

If you go, Gethin will want to go back to my room and...you know.

What - you don't want to?

I love Gethin, I mean, of course I do. It's just...

I don't know. Is he a bit boring?

Gethin?

No.

Ah, a vintage Rolls Royce.

Yes. I've got one of those, actually.

Beautiful car. I love them so very much.

Yes. Me too.

I never did manage to get in here as a student...

..but I do recognise this.

The Iron Lady.

Many a woman was pleasured by her pewter charms.

So were several unfortunate men.

So, what year were you here, then, Mr Hunter?

I arrived in 1983.

So, who was President when you were the Fool?

Ah! Well, well, well.

Do you know him?

As a matter of fact, I've pooned his daughter.

You can't just keep ignoring me, you know.

Stop following me. Why? It's fun.

You fixed that election.

You rigged it so I would lose - all for your precious Dandelion Club.

Come on. Let's not bicker - we're far too attractive.

Dorian, I don't think you understand.

I'm not playing hard to get.

I am just not interested.

I would never and I will never

go out with a posh Dandelion twit like you.

I don't know why you've got such a problem with Dandelions.

Your own father was the President!

How dare you?! Richard Arc - President - 1983.

I don't believe you.

Go and have a look, then. It's on the board.

You'll need this.

What's wrong?

I don't know.

Well, haven't you missed me?

I've been wanking about you for weeks, babe.

That's really...touching.

No, honestly, it is, Geth. It's... Shh!

Oh, my God!

What?!

My Dad was President of the Dandelion Club!

What? He was President. In 1983.

I'm sorry. No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine!

Stay! Are you all right? No.

How could a grammar school boy from Leeds

end up as President of the biggest toffs' club in the known universe?

How?

Look, is she gonna carry on asking questions

or are you come over here and milk the dragon?

Huh?

Just a second, Theo.

It arrived.

I'll call you back.

Are you going to try it on?

Daddy will want to ensure the fit is correct.

You OK?

Stop gawping at me, you pervert!

It's got to be the next level, man. The mother of all practical jokes.

Totally! How about...

I mean, how about if we just make the whole college disappear?

I mean, one minute it's here, then...

Whoa! Where is it? You know?

Totally. Totally!

The thing is, like, how will we do it?

You know? Cos the college, it's big

and so, like, moving it would take like, a really long time.

You're right, old friend. Oh, it was a crazy dream.

Any alterations?

Only to my life.

Hey. You in there?

It's Theo.

Just a minute! Quick!

Are you all right? I can't, I can't.

Hey. What's wrong?

Just having a snooze.

I was...watching her.

Right.

Creepy.

Look, my parents will be here in about an hour. Is that OK?

Oh. Course.

Meeting the parents? Things are getting serious.

I'm not telling you off, Rosalind. I'm worried about you.

I can take care of myself.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to end it.

So, for both your sakes, end it today.

I can't tell him the truth.

Well, you'd better think of something.

OK. So, first, we lure everybody out of the hall.

Wait. How?

Right. Good question.

I mean, how do you get a roomful of people to leave -

or evacuate, if you will - a building? All at once?

Got it. Barbecue! Barbecue?

Yeah. You set up a huge barbecue right out on the Front Quad

and you cook up all kinds of delicious meat.

And then the intoxicating scent brings, lures, everyone out.

You know, Raj, I don't want to sound too Brokeback Mountain,

but you rock my world.

Yeah?

So, once we get everyone out on Front Quad, what then?

Well, then we let them eat the meat!

Amazing! They'll love us!

Not really a practical joke, though, is it?

I guess you could more accurately describe it as...

..catering.

So. My plan. Can I count you in?

I've been keeping an eye on the Arc girl for you, haven't I?

And today - joy of joys -

I learn her father was Dandelion Club President.

That's right. What was he like?

His was the most brilliant, beautiful mind

I have ever encountered.

Apart from yours, of course.

Finally, a little bit of appreciation.

That was a joke, Dorian. Right.

Are you on board with the plan?

We'll be protecting the Club?

Feel free to say no.

You're up against the richest man in the world.

I never could stand new money. Consider it done.

Excellent.

Come in.

Wow. You look great.

You do still want to do this, don't you?

I just feel...

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't go.

I might be...coming down with something.

They're gonna love you.

Come on.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Mr Hunter. The warden said you were here in 1983.

That's right. So, did you know my dad?

He was here at the same time.

You're Richard's daughter! So, you knew him?

Let me tell you something about your father.

He was a shit.

Mr Hunter...

Crispin, could I borrow you?

It's right poncy here, innit?

I went to Aberystwyth Polytechnic.

Gethin, my friend is upset. Can you not talk about this now, please?

Hang on, babe, I'm telling a story. It's funny.

So, my mate Owain, right, started swinging his nadgers around...

Shut up. Just shut up. Just shut up! OK?!

Warden, there's an emergency. Dr Maltravers requires your assistance.

I'll be right back.

I've drawn up the forms. We just need to speak to the bank.

Excellent. Revenge is going to be so sweet.

When we get back, let's fire up the Jag. Get that baby purring.

There.

Get her out.

Get a hold of him, lads.

Crispin!

Alumni of Trinity College,

I am terribly sorry to inform you that you are now our hostages.

The Iron Lady.

Stop this nonsense!

Stop this and I'll give you all a huge amount of money.

A man of your experience ought to know

that bribery is best employed with the poor.

What's going on in there?

Let's get the gag on. Keep him quiet.

We've taken the alumni hostage.

Why?

That's Dandelion business. You're warmly encouraged to stay away.

Look, you let Mr Hunter, you let other alumni go

and you let them go now and no-one will get into trouble, OK?

I'd really rather not, actually. But thanks for stopping by.

God! In this day and age,

that we can be held to ransom by a load of drunken fucking aristocrats!

It's ridiculous! Where's Pete? Where's security?

Dorian Gaudain. Maltravers' pet. Coincidence?

Come on. You see the dark hand of Dr Maltravers everywhere.

I just don't understand

what Maltravers thinks he can gain from this.

You're far too pretty to worry yourself about Maltravers.

Pretty? Intelligent. I said intelligent.

Didn't I? I should go.

Then I say, "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Can I please buy you a drink?"

He's so smooth when he turns it on.

Oh, please. Make it stop.

It's nice that you're so happy together.

Before my mother died, my parents made each other miserable.

When I was seven,

I came home to find them both screwing the gardener.

At the same time. Which was, in a way, quite refreshing.

They spent so many years despising each other,

it was nice to see they finally had a common interest.

You poor thing.

Oh, no, Mrs Mackenzie, I don't deserve sympathy.

To be honest, they left me fucked up and confused and incapable of love.

This is as much as I could synthesise at such short notice.

That should be sufficient. You really think this will work?

Shot in the dark, Linus. The desperate volley of a desperate man.

Everyone has secrets - things they'd rather the world didn't know about.

Well, she'll know them. And this means with any luck, we will too.

Claudette. I heard what happened in hall. How terrible.

But you managed to get out. I did, yes.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Mr Hunter.

What are you going to do?

It's a silly student prank that went too far.

I'm sure they won't harm him. They'll get bored in an hour or so.

And in the meantime, Crispin's being terrified out of his wits.

Ah. I think we could both use a drink.

Well, I do feel a bit shaken.

Dandelions have a strange sense of chivalry.

Doubtless, they were repulsed by the idea of taking a woman hostage.

There we are.

Go on!

Drink it up! Drink, drink, drink, drink!

Failure to down - trousers down!

I feel so free!

You look so free!

Mr Hunter.

Getting cosy with the prisoner, Charlotte?

Get that thing away from me. Get it away!

Where's Claudette? Not here, I'm afraid.

I want Claudette!

Just leave him alone, OK?

I don't need you as my saviour, little missy.

Your father did far worse.

My Dad would never have done this to you!

No? No!

Your father was an egotist, a charlatan and a bully.

Yes, yes, yes. A bully.

My dad was humble and kind and loyal...

Loyal?! Who to?

Your mother? What does that mean?

Ask the warden. The warden? Why?

You don't know, do you?

He was screwing her.

Your father was screwing the warden

for four years at the very least!

Ooh! Mummy never said, then.

Didn't warn you as she dropped you off?

Watch your tongue, old man.

Let me go. Chaps, stop her!

Theo's so nice to me.

Your son is the nicest man I've ever met.

He is so kind and understanding.

He fucks like a trooper.

That's probably enough.

I've never come so much. Bucket loads.

OK. I think we're gonna go now. I'm really sorry about this.

We've all drunk a little too much in our time.

See? Even your parents are nice.

They are so sweet.

You are so lovely.

I am breaking up with you. I'm sorry.

What did I miss?

Trousers down, Mr Hunter!

Never! If you do this, I'll hunt you down! I forbid it!

Where did you get this from?

I found it. You found it?

Argh! Geth, what are you doing?!

You can have it back once you tell me who you've been shagging.

This is ridiculous. Ridiculous?

You don't laugh at my jokes, you don't listen to my stories.

You haven't touched my Colin Jackson since I got here.

There's someone else.

OK, can we not talk about this now, please?

OK. Then tell me that you still love me.

Look. I love you, Maddy.

Oi! No displays of affection from the hostages, please.

Oh, hello!

Oi, lads! I've had enough fun with the old men. Here's better sport.

? Get your tits out, get your tits out

# Get your tits out for the lads

? Get your tits out for the lads ?

Listen, pal. Those jugs that you want out

happen to be my fiancee's jugs. My jugs. Right?

So, if you want to insult her or her bazookas again,

I suggest you ask me first.

Ooh!

You do still love me, don't you? I...

Get off! Let me have some!

For fuck's sake, Gethin, what are you doing?

You weren't ready for that, were you?

He's getting away! Rupert! Quick! He's getting away! After him!

Bugger it, Dorian, it's over.

It's Founder's Day! Let's get to the Mound!

Come on, Dandelions. To the Mound!

Oh, my God! Are you OK? Barely.

Those Dandelions are savages.

Where's Claudette?

Here. I found her wandering the Quad in some confusion.

Claudette, where have you been?!

I...I can't remember.

Must be the stress.

Only earlier, we were having a most instructive chat about Mr Hunter.

About me? She told me all sorts of things.

It seems you're something of a dark horse. Crispin.

A very dark horse indeed.

I don't know what to say.

I hope we'll end up being friends.

Five years we've been together.

And you want to be friends?

Don't leave me, Maddy bear.

I love you, see.

And I loved you too. Once.

But I've moved on, Geth.

I've never cheated on you...

..but there's somebody else that I like.

I'm so sorry.

I remember when we first met.

No, I don't. I was pissed.

Well, I think we're nearly there.

Now we just need your signature.

Mr Hunter, Dr Maltravers wishes to see you.

I'm busy. It's an urgent matter.

What do you want?

Cigar? I'm not changing my mind.

I'm signing those papers.

I don't think you are.

What?

As I mentioned earlier,

I did have rather a productive chat with Claudette.

I had hoped to find a skeleton or two rattling around in your closet.

Financial misdeeds. A Nazi themed sex scandal or two.

My, oh my. I struck gold in a way in which I could never have imagined.

You're bluffing.

She let me print these off her mobile telephone.

Frightfully good quality, don't you think?

Mechaphilia is the word, I believe.

An urge to couple with motor vehicles.

Sounds like some awful Channel Five documentary, doesn't it?

You bastard.

You might think I'm sick

but every one of those vehicles meant something to me.

Are your miserable days at Trinity, your wounded pride,

worth the world seeing these?

Do you wish to be shamed and vilified in the gutter press,

to see your public life turned into the same torture you experienced

at this college?

Oh, I just thought I'd see how you were getting on.

Has Mr Hunter told you the good news?

Indeed he has.

But I'm surprised you regard this news as 'good'.

What do you mean?

Well, I thought you wanted Mr Hunter to invest in the college.

Well, he is. Aren't you?

Well...it's just...things are... complicated...

The paperwork's all ready for you to sign.

I'm a very busy man. And he has a car waiting for him.

All greased up and ready for you to enter.

I'm sorry. Truly, I am sorry.

Claudette!

What just happened?

Hey. How are you feeling? Fine. Why?

Well, you seemed a bit out of it earlier.

I meant what I said, Theo.

Before I met you, I was daring, exciting.

Face it. I'm Simon and you're Garfunkel.

You need me much more than I need you.

You don't mean that. You're just drunk.

Can't you see? I've been trying to get rid of you for weeks.

What? No. I'm not gonna let you just push me away.

Look. Try and understand.

I'm not ready to settle down and be Mrs Mackenzie

and buy the three-bedroom semi yet, thank you.

Oh, and reading between the lines,

that does mean I want to sleep with other men, yes.

Rosalind...

I'm young and I deserve to have fun.

Fun which is more likely if I'm alone.

Now, fuck off!

Fine.

Oh, not now!

I said not now, Charlotte. I've had some upsetting news.

I don't care. So have I.

What on earth is wrong with you? No, nothing. Totally fine.

Oh, except I just found out my dad was President of the club I detest

and oh yeah, he was an adulterer.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

You said you didn't know him.

You were having an affair with him.

Charlotte, you're totally out of line.

I didn't tell you because it wasn't my place to tell you.

Your mother obviously didn't want you to know.

And it's history.

Your father broke it off with me 20 years ago.

No, don't try to make me feel better.

Your father was at Trinity, Charlotte,

and your mother was at home in Leeds working as a secretary.

I'm sure... I know he loved her very much.

You know what? I'm not angry at him.

I'm not even angry at you.

Now I just feel sorry for you.

You're a sad, lonely old woman.

And Hunter?

On his way back to London in the soft embrace of his Rolls Royce,

which has, I believe, a rather fulsome pair of bumpers.

So...looks like you're in my debt.

Which I intend to settle

by increasing the Dandelion Club entertainment budget.

That is jolly good of you.

So good that I'm going to give you a present.

I spotted this in the Senior Common Room.

I remembered you were keen to get your hands on it a while back.

Oh, Dorian...I take it all back.

You're one of my favourite Presidents.

Did you just put a sheep in my office?

Yes. No.

Yes. No!

Why did you put a sheep in my office?

Well, it's a sheep.

Yeah, and it's in your office! Instead of a field.

When you bring livestock into the office of a senior member of college

without any clear idea as to why, it may be time to start asking yourself

if you really belong at an internationally recognised

centre of learning.

You two are inane, vapid, fatuous, puerile,

feckless, asinine dickheads.

You make the sheep look like a PHD student.

Remove it. Immediately.

You are without doubt the worst Fools this college has ever seen,

which in itself is quite funny.

Can we... No, I'm not going to free you.

I thought you didn't drink.

I don't.

How much have you had?

A bit... A lot.

And I want a lot more.

Come on.

Come on. That's it. Hold on.

I like you, Dorian Gaudain.

I pretend that I don't.

But I do.

Night-night. Night.

So, we're both single now, aren't we?

What do you reckon? Shall we?

Do you think that's a good idea? Yeah, well, you only live once.

But what if it doesn't work out?

It will. What's the worst that can happen?

Ow!

I didn't realise that's what you meant!

What did you think I meant?

Nothing. It doesn't matter.

Beautiful evening, eh?

It is.

Look around you. Fresh air, the banks of the river.

A decomposing corpse.

DI Worthing? Very pleased to meet you.

Now, I understand you've got a corpse for me.

Look at you. What a wonderful, sexy brain.

You know I can't do this.

All you have to do is reach up and undo this top.

It's definitely him.

COMPUTER: Guard project. Protect the Dandelion Club.

What are you trying to do? To save the world.

ITFC Subtitles