Original subtitles

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ travel down the road and back again ♪

♪ your heart is true ♪

♪ you're a pal and a confidante ♪

♪ and if you threw a party ♪

♪ invited everyone you knew ♪

♪ you would see ♪

♪ the biggest gift would be from me ♪

♪ and the card attached would say ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪♪

Captioning made possible by witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network,

And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

Chuy, check out the ballroom stage.

It's looking like a comedy club.

We'll make lots of money.

That's a great idea.

Oh, by the way, I have an application

For somebody who wants to enter the comedy competition.

You're kidding, right?

Nope.

"corney castillos"?

Yeah. Do you love it?

I was looking for a funny stage name,

And since "corn" is the funniest word...

Corn!

Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, what could be funnier than corney castillos?

All I got to do now

Is come up with a five-minute act,

But I have all week, so how hard can it be?

Corney, listen to me.

You don't want to get up on that stage

And make an idiot of yourself.

You need a writer.

Somebody young, down, naturally funny,

You know, like me.

You?

Uh, no offense, brother,

But you're about as funny as a lima bean.

Hey, can anybody join this comedy competition?

Oh, not you, too, sophia.

What's your stage name, moms petrillo?

Boy, you make one adult party record in the fifties

And it haunts you all your life.

I was thinking of a guy from the old neighborhood.

An old guy.

Older than you?

He was part of a comedy team.

Williams and brown or brown and williams

Or williams and williams.

Funny guy.

Anybody older than you can make it on the stage,

I'll put him on.

This is shaping up to be quite a weekend.

My son matthew is coming for a visit,

And the comedy show's almost sold out.

Incidentally, chuy wants to enter, and sophia--

Oh, don't let sophia enter.

Have you heard her party record?

It's filthy!

Aww...

Hello. My name is bill douglas.

I have a reservation.

Yes, mr. Douglas. I have you right here.

You look very familiar.

Where do I know you from?

What do you do for a living?

Well, I own a mattress factory.

Maybe you've heard about our line--

Douglas mattresses,

The mattress that will last a lifetime.

Yes. I've had three of those.

Oh.

Well...

I hope you enjoy your stay here.

We do everything we can

To make our guests feel very special.

Thank you.

[gasp]

Aah!

Oh!

Rose,

Are you o.K.? You look like you've...

Seen a ghost?

I was going to say "drinking heavily," but...

"seen a ghost" works, too.

Rose, are you all right?

Look at this picture.

Oh, my goodness.

It's you and mr. Douglas

On a cow.

No. That's me with charlie.

Mr. Douglas looks exactly like my husband charlie.

Oh, well, no wonder he looks so familiar.

Oh...

Oh, and I made such a fool of myself.

He must think I'm a nut.

I really should apologize.

I mean, he is a guest.

If it makes you uncomfortable,

Just avoid that particular guest.

Oh, blanche, don't be silly.

I'm a big girl.

I won't create a situation

Just because somebody looks like charlie.

Course, if he kisses like charlie,

You'll need the jaws of life to get me off him.

Man, read this joke.

You're going to love it.

"too bad - al gore's not a waiter,

Because he married a good tipper."

Boom!

I don't get it.

What do you mean?

His wife's name is tipper.

It's not funny.

'cause you're not saying it right.

You got to hit "tipper."

His wife's a good tipper.

That's big funny.

Chuy, roland, I want you tmeet my son matthew.

Matthew, this is roland and chuy.

Hey, nice to meet you.

We got to go.

O.K.

I have so many plans for us today.

Mother, could we talk for a minute?

I have something to tell you.

O.K.

Jeez, I'm nervous.

W can I put this?

You know, mom, you and I

Have a lot more in common than you think.

We like the same things.

We like the same things?

Honey, the only thing I really like is m--

Oh...My god, you're gay.

No.

What I mean is we both like to take chances,

Like when you bought this hotel.

You weren't afraid to change your life.

So I've decided to stop being a stockbroker

And become a stand-up comic.

Matthew, if this is your roundabout way to tell me you're gay,

You don't have to. I accept it.

I'm not gay.

Oh, yes, you are.

Sorry, but I'm not.

And I really want to do comedy.

Oh...Comedy. No, matthew.

That's so undignified.

How could you do this to me?

Maybe I won't make a career of it,

But I've been performing at some clubs,

And I'm not half bad.

When you wrote me about your comedy competition,

I came so you could see it.

You didn't quit your job?

For a little while.

Oh!

Well, forgive me if I cannot laugh, matthew,

But I find nothing funny about my son ruining his life.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Let's get you checked in.

You want to listen to some show tunes later?

Straight as an arrow, mom.

Damn!

Hello.

Oh, hello!

You're probably wondering why I screamed

And ran away from you this morning.

I'm used to that.

I used to sell amway.

Uh, please.

Oh.

My name is bill douglas.

Rose nylund.

Mm-hmm.

The reason why I reacted the way I did was...

Was...Uh, well, just before I saw you,

I remembered I forgot to unplug the iron back at the house.

Oh, is everything all right?

I don't know. I sold the house in 1976.

I guess I would've heard something by now.

Uh, where did you live?

Oh, in a beautiful little town in minnesota

Called st. Olaf.

Oh.

Have you ever been there?

My wife and I honeymooned there.

Oh...

Will your wife be joining you here?

Oh, no. She passed away a few years ago.

Oh! Oh...That must have been hard.

Yes, it was.

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Well, yes.

Ah!

What time?

7:00?

In the lobby?

Oh, I'm sorry. We don't serve dinner in the lobby.

Why don't you and I just meet in the lobby,

And then we'll go out to a restaurant?

Great!

Ha! All right. See you at 7:00.

Yeah.

Wow! And smart, too.

Chuy, I'm setting up the lineup for Saturday.

Still want to go on?

Why wouldn't I want to?

'cause I saw you rehearsing your act today.

Somebody cr-rack a window!

You're just saying that because I'm not using your lousy jokes.

What about your jokes?

I had a dream I ate a giant marshmallow.

When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Ha ha ha ha. Va-voom!

That joke is so old, pia zadora wouldn't marry it.

I talked to my friend. He thinks he can make it.

Great. What's his name?

Oh, this is crazy.

I just had it.

I tell you, at my age the first thing to go is the, uh...

Mind?

No. Help yourself.

Look, if he shows up, I'll put him on right after matthew devereaux.

Matthew's not entering the laugh-off.

Does matthew know this?

Does matdoes matthew know what?

I forbid you to enter this contest.

Mom, I'm 35. Your forbidding days are over.

Don't get smart with me.

I've been reading some of your material.

When I was young, my mother used so much makeup,

Her pillowcase looked like a picture of a clown.

Hey, you can't do that.

Thank you, chuy.

I'm doing a pillow joke.

Where'd you get that pad?

From your room.

The e are personal.

Well, they certainly are.

Making a fool of yourself is one thing,

But you're not making me look like one, too.

You had no right to invade my privacy.

My point exactly.

Matthew, you're not doing this to me.

I should talk to matthew.

Think you can help?

I know I can. I have over a thousand blanche slut jokes.

Well...

What a night, huh?

I don't think I've had this much fun in years.

I can't remember when I last danced the polka.

Did you like my solo?

Oh!

I'm always impressed

When somebody jumps up on a table

And stands on her hands.

Thank you, sir.

Actually, that's the way we dance back in st. Olaf.

Oh?

Bill, there's something I have to tell you.

Can I tell you something first?

Well, I have been alone for seven years.

I tried dating.

I know what you mean.

Oh, yes. But...

You're very different.

When I'm with you, I feel...

Comfortable.

Just comfortable?

Don't underrate that.

When you're comfortable,

You allow yourself to feel wonderful things.

Like what?

Like this.

Or this.

I won't be going to the show tonight,

So there's another ticket you can sell.

You got to go.

I sold matthew this joke no one will get

If they can't see you.

I mean, he's your son.

This is a big night for the hotel.

I'm not going if matthew's going on.

He used to be so responsible.

Last night he said he wasn't happy anymore

Being a stockbroker.

I thought how hard his daddy worked

Giving him an education

So he'd have some security.

And he'll just throw it all away.

I think you're behaving ridiculously.

You should talk. You went out with a guy who looks like charlie.

How would you like me to iron those wrinkles

Out of your face, you little snitch?

Oh, I'd love that.

Rose, you didn't.

It was no big deal.

He asked me out, we danced a little,

And...He gave me a tiny kiss.

And we laughed and cried.

I stood on my hands.

Oh, god, I think I love him.

Did you tell him about charlie?

Well--

Oh, rose, you don't even know this man.

You just think you do,

And this isn't fair to him.

I know. You're right. I have to tell him.

But you're lucky, blanche.

I'm lucky?

If you want to see george,

You don't have to look any further than matthew.

She's right.

How many times have you told us

Matthew acts and thinks like george, that matthew...

Is exactly like his father.

Would you excuse me?

I think I want to talk to my son.

Every so often I remember

How much I need that male voice in my life, too.

Want me to get dorothy on the phone?

Would you, darling?

Matthew, may I speak to you a minute?

Don't worry. I'm not going on tonight.

Oh?

O.K.

Did I ever tell you how I met your father?

No.

He was a carnival barker,

Putting himself through college.

I didn't know that.

Oh, yes. He used to sell these dice

From "paris, France."

They were like regular dice

Until you held them up to the light.

I remember him doing that.

That's how you met?

Hell, I bought six pairs.

After he became a lawyer, he used to do it

At parties and charity events.

And then he became too successful,

And it wasn't dignified anymore

For him to put on that straw hat and do his little pitch.

Lord, how that man love to make a fool of himself.

What are you saying?

Oh, I'm saying...

Go out there and make a fool of yourself.

You'd make your father proud of you.

What about you?

I'm proud of you whatever you do.

Ohh...Mom.

Oh, I was waiting for you.

No, sit down, bill.

I have something to show you.

Mm-hmm.

Ah...

A picture of you and...

And me?

Sitting on a cow.

No, that's me...

With my late husband charlie.

Wow.

It certainly explains

Your instant attraction to me.

I wanted to tell you right away, but--

But you wanted to extend the fantasy a little longer.

Don't be angry. Please.

No, no, I'm not.

But let's be honest...

Would you ever be able to look at me

Without thinking about charlie?

Well, maybe not right at first,

But after a little while.

You would never be able to know

Able to know how you really felt about me.

I don't think it's going to work.

I'm so sorry.

I'll leave.

No, I don't want you to leave.

I don't think I could stand that again.

You see, when charlie died,

It all happened so fast

I never got a chance to say goodbye.

And now you're just going to walk out on me, too?

Rose, if you could say goodbye to charlie right now,

What would you say?

What would I say?

What would you say to charlie?

Charlie...

The 30 years that we spent together...

Seemed...

Like a day.

When you died...

Part of me died, too.

I love you.

And I miss you.

Goodbye, rose.

Thank you, bill.

How you feeling, kiddo?

Not so good.

My friend the comic I told you about is here.

That's nice.

Come and meet him. The guy's a hoot.

Sophia, I really don't feel like hooting right now.

Come on. It'll do you some good.

Rose, sophia told me to cheer you up.

So I will.

Here's a cigar.

Oh, I don't smoke.

O.K., that didn't get a laugh.

Um...

I'll tell you a joke.

Um...Have you heard this one?

I don't think so.

I haven't told it yet.

Ooh!

Teacher said to a kid, "what does your father do?"

He says, "my father's a doctor."

To another kid, "what does your father do?"

"my father's a lawyer."

To a third kid, "what does your father do?"

He says, "my father's dead."

"what did he do before he died?"

He says, "he went, ooh!"

"here's a cigar."

Mr. Burns, whenever you're ready.

Ready?

I've been ready for 97 years.

Ready! Let's take a walk.

O.K.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Now for my last song,

I'll sing a song that's going to make rose happy.

Morty, in sam newman's key.

♪ I love to call you rose, dear ♪

♪ but roses fade away ♪

♪ roses die when wintertime appears ♪

♪ and I love to call you daisy ♪

♪ but daisies always tell ♪

♪ what sweethearts like to whisper in your ear ♪

♪ I'd love to call you honey ♪

♪ but honey runs away ♪

♪ I much prefer a name like clinging vine ♪

♪ and if I called you buttercup ♪

♪ the dandelions would eat you up ♪

♪ so I'll buy a ring ♪

♪ and change your name ♪

♪ and change your name ♪

♪ and buy a ring ♪

♪ oh, I'll change it, and I'll buy it ♪

♪ and I'll buy it and I'll change it ♪

♪ I'll buy a ring and change your name to mine ♪

♪ pom pom ♪♪

[applause and cheers]

Did you like that, rosie?

Oh, I sure did, sam.

My name isn't sam.

It's williams of brown and williams.

Oh!

George burns!

George burns. All right!

Mr. George burns.

And now...

The comedy stylings

Of mr. Corney castillos.

'scuse me.

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

Captions copyright 1993 touchstone pictures and television