All language subtitles for Superstore.S03E11.WEBRip.x264-I10_Ensh

- Two little dickie birds
sitting on a wall

One name Peter,
one named Paul

[yelps]

- I don't understand why
Glenn needs the shots

if you're the one
carrying the baby.

- If I have to pump
myself full of hormones

in order to carry his child,

it's only fair that he go
through the same pain.

- Yeah, but with saline,
so that

my male parts don't turn
into female parts.

- Yeah, that's how it works.

- I just can't believe
you guys are making a baby.

You don't even like each other.

- If I wanted to avoid doing
things with people I hate,

I would literally
never leave my house.

And believe me, I am only
doing it for the money.

- And believe me, if there was
any other usable, affordable

womb within 1,000 miles
of here,

I would not be using hers.

- It just sucks that you have
to get so many shots.

- Well, I had the option
of taking them orally.

- Then why did you pick shots?

[wails]

- That's why.

[upbeat music]

- Amy, you're old, right?

- Um...

- Like you were alive
during the '90s.

- Yeah, I was.
Yep, the roaring '90s.

- So, what would you say
would be the best piñata

for a Green Day-themed birthday
party for a two-year-old?

- Um, okay.

Let's back that up real quick.

Harmonica's into Green Day?

- I doubt
she's ever heard of them.

She's two.

But it's my mom's
favorite band,

and it's just easier
not to argue with her.

- Wouldn't your mom be okay

with something a little
more kid-friendly?

Like, I don't know, "Minions?"

- She just got out of jail.
Minions are criminals.

That could suck her right
back in to the lifestyle.

- Good point.
Um...

All right, well,
what about, like, mermaids?

- I don't know.
My mom really wants Green Day.

- Mermaids are a lot
like Green Day.

They're half-fish,
half-human,

they're like rebels.

You know, down for whatever.

In fact, they used
to call Green Day

the mermaids of '90s rock.

- Is that true?
- Mm-hmm.

It's totally true.

- Jonah, which puzzle seems
more fun for the cabin?

"Bubbling Mountain Brook,"
or "Ankylosaurs?"

- Let's go "Bubbling Brook."

- Ooh, bad boy.
I like it.

Okay, I'm gonna go hide it
so nobody else

buys it before we can.

- Ooh, good idea.

- Pretty steamy weekend
you guys got planned.

- [chuckles]
Yeah, I'm excited.

- Not as excited as I am.

I got the apartment to myself,
Randy's gonna come over,

we're gonna strap into our
video game chairs

and not move for
70 hours straight.

- Oh, um...

Randy's coming over.

Cool.

- You're gonna be having sex on
a jigsaw puzzle in the Ozarks,

and you're jealous of Randy?

- No, no, jealous?
No.

I just didn't know
he was gonna come over,

so that's just, you know,
news to me, is all.

Cool.

- 20,000, for the most
beautiful gift...

Okay, I ran out of space again.

I'm just gonna void this,
and I'll do another one.

- It doesn't have
to be perfect.

- No, I am not starting out
this journey with a mistake.

Here, you can fill out
the forms

while I write another one.

- Forms?

"Gestational
surrogacy agreement."

You're making me
sign a contract?

- It's what they say
you're supposed to do.

- "Regular checkups,"
"custody release--"

Okay, wait, you think
I want to steal your kid?

And then what?
Have to spend years explaining

why it's good thing to be
chosen last for dodgeball?

- No, it's just better
safe than sorry.

- No, no, no, that's fine,
that's fine.

You know what?
I am gonna give this a read,

and I'll let you know
if I have any thoughts.

- It should be fine.
It was the first one on Google.

- Oh, look how cute!

Mermaid treasure
for the treasure hunt.

- The treasure is seashells?

- Wouldn't mermaid treasure
be something

they don't have
general access to?

Like, human garbage would
be treasure to them.

- I wish I were a mermaid.
I would clean up.

- I think
you'd be a mer-man.

- Yeah, I don't really
buy mermen as a thing.

- Then how did they
use to, you know...

[bleep]?

Unless that's why
they went extinct.

- They didn't go extinct.

They lost their tails over
the course of centuries

and turned into humans.

It's called evolution.

- I don't think so.

- Okay, fine, God made us.

- Look at the human eye.

It's too complicated.

- No, I believe in evolution.

I'm just saying it's make
believe--it's like unicorns.

- We don't know that
there were never unicorns.

I read that we discover like 50
new species of frogs each year.

Maybe scientists just haven't
discovered unicorns yet.

- Frogs are tiny.
I think somebody

would've noticed a unicorn.

- A lot of people believe
unicorns exist.

- A lot of people believe
in bigfoot.

A lot of people
believe in angels!

- I believe in angels.

- [scoffs]
No, you don't.

- Yeah, I do.

- I used to think
kangaroos were real.

[scoffs]

[Green Day's "Paranoid"
plays on the muzak]

- Sometimes I give
myself the creeps

Sometimes my mind plays
tricks on

- "Surrogate shall be
reimbursed

for all tailoring expenses?"

- I'm gonna have to have
my clothes converted

to maternity clothes and
then converted back after.

- "In the event of a baby
over eight pounds,

lessee will reimburse leaser
for vaginal reconstruction."

- Hey, I was happy to have
a gentleman's agreement.

You're the one who wanted
to get all formal about it.

- I'm gonna have to take some
time to review these changes.

- Sure, oh, FYI, clauses 30-49
are all vag-related,

and the last page
is the before photos.

- Whoa, Oreo really upped its
game while I was in prison.

It's like a fat kid's
fever dream.

- Oh, Amy, this is my mom.

- Oh, my gosh!
Hi!

- You're the famous Amy.

I've heard so much about you
over the years,

I feel like I know you.

I'm so sorry about the divorce
and how your life is going.

- Oh, um, thank you.

Uh, so what brings
you to the store?

- Oh, she was just bringing me
this shirt that she got me

that I forgot to put
on this morning.

- It's more professional.

And I gotta get some stuff
for the party.

Do you have a Green Day-themed
bouncy house?

- Green Day?
What happened with mermaids?

- My mom thought we should
go back to Green Day.

- Mermaids is a little
juvenile, don't you think?

- Well, I mean, it is a
two-year-old's birthday party,

and Chey really liked
the idea--

- Amy, I don't mean to be rude,

I know you've been kind
of a mother figure

for Cheyenne while
I've been away, but...

I'm her actual mother,

so don't you have some
shelving to do or something?

- Yes, sure.

Yeah, sorry.

- Okay.
- Bye.

- Bye.

Cinnamon bun Oreos?

[sighs]

.

- "I'm her actual mother."

What does that even mean?

- Hard to say.

It either means she's the one
who gave birth to her,

or...

that's the only thing
that it means.

- Well, it doesn't give her
the right to just swoop in,

and start changing up
perfectly good shirts,

and perfectly good parties.

I mean, mermaids is a better
theme than Green Day.

Like, that's an objective
fact, right?

- I like Green Day.
- Really?

Name three of their songs.

- "Boulevard of Broken Dreams,"
"Good Riddance,"

"When I Come Around."

- Okay, well, those are the
obvious ones--name three more.

- "Basket Case," "Longview,"
"American Idiot."

- You are a very
irritating person.

- I just don't think
that you should butt in.

- You--you butt in
all the time.

That's why your butt is so big.

- "Welcome to Paradise."

"Wake Me Up When
September Ends."

I love Green Day.

- I've never really hired
a lawyer before.

But I just wanted to
make sure everything

Dina put in was kosher.

- Yeah, well, that makes sense.

- I'm sorry about using
the word "kosher."

That wasn't a comment
on your religion.

- Oh, I'm not Jewish.

- Okay.

I don't mind, though.

Well, is it basically okay?

- Yeah, mostly there's just
a couple small, little nitpicky

things that might be
worth discussing with Dina.

- Oh, okay.
I could go get her right now.

- Yeah.

- I'll bring in
a bagel and a smear.

- Again, I am not, uh...

You know what?
An onion bagel would be great.

- Onion bagel.

- Do you think
Green Day is a mistake?

- Well, you know,
I-I don't want to butt in, or--

But yes, I do, it's crazy.
Cuckoo bananas, makes no sense.

- You think
mermaids would be better?

- Yes, 100%, I think
you should do mermaids.

Look, Chey,

you don't have to do everything
your mom tells you to do

just because she's your mom.

- I just--I have a hard time
standing up to her.

She never listens
to what I want.

- Well, you just gotta
sit her down, and tell her,

"I am a grownup.
I make my own decisions."

- You want me to brag
about you to my mom?

- Uh-uh.

[stammers]
Sorry.

You would say
you were a grownup,

you make your own decisions.

- She knows she's a grownup.

- Why don't we go talk
to her together?

- Okay.

- Okay.
- All right, yeah.

- I was reading
about our Airbnb,

and it said that
the toilet is sensitive,

so maybe don't flush
your baby wipes.

- Yeah, of course, totally.

Um, hey, earlier, uh,
when you were talking about

how you believed in angels,

you meant, sort of,
like a general, ineffable

sense of spiritual presence,
right?

Not--not like magical little
creatures flying around?

- What, you mean like fairies?

- Yeah, I mean, I--

- Oh, no, no, I'm not a child.
- Okay, all right, okay.

Okay, I was just--
I was just checking.

- Yeah.

[laughter]

Yeah, no, by angels,
I meant like regular-sized,

celestial beings
who look out for us.

- Right.

Right, yeah, but not--not with,
like, with halos and wings.

- No, they have halos
and wings, they're angels.

- Right.

Okay, cool, yeah, no,
I was just, um...

I was just checking, so.

- Are they goat? Are they dog?
I don't know what they are.

- Okay, guys, guys, guys, guys!
- Shh! Shh!

- Two chupacabra sightings,

two remote Mexican villages,

same exact description.

And you know those people
don't have the Internet.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, I'm sold.

I'm putting it in real.

- You know what
should be in mythical?

A man who knows
where the G-spot is.

- Justine,

contribute, or leave.

- It's the third time
you've made that joke.

- Oh, so now,
we're lawyering up, is that it?

- No, no, no, no.
Bruce is a friend.

He's here to help us.

It's more like
we're "friending" up.

- I'm not here to make
anything contentious.

I just want to make sure

there's no misunderstandings
down the road.

- See?
He's a nice guy.

- So, as I understand it,

you both mutually agreed
to this surrogacy, so...

- Mm-hmm.
- If you were to fail to honor

your agreement,
we would be forced

to go after you with
extreme prejudice.

- Wait...
[stammers]

- Go after me?

- I'm sorry,
maybe I wasn't being clear.

Um, we would sue you for
every penny that you're worth.

We would own you, 'cause you
mess with Glenn Sturgis,

you get the horns!

- Okay, this is not--this is
not what we talked about.

- So you either
sign this contract,

or we're gonna bury you
under so much paperwork

you're gonna need a machete

to get from your bedroom
to your bathroom!

- Well, the joke's on you,
because I keep a machete

in every room in my house.

- Okay, we're losing the magic

of the journey that
we're going on together.

- Sign the contract, Ms. Fox.
You sign it!

- You want to come after me,
Glenn?

- No.
- Well, bring it on.

And as for you, I have a cousin
at the Bar Association,

so you better pray to God your
CLE credits are up to date.

- Well, I think that was
a nice opening bid.

Oh, is this whitefish?

- Do you believe in angels?

- Uh, which answer leads
to no follow-up questions?

- Kelly believes in 'em.

Like believes
believes, you know?

It's like wings
and halos and harps.

Well, I didn't ask about
harps, but I assume--

- So she believes in angels.
Who cares?

- I don't care, no, I just--
[scoffs]

I just think it's interesting,
you know,

I mean,
I don't believe in angels,

but if she wants
to believe in angels,

then I respect that, you know?

Doesn't bother me.

Is that something
you think would bother you?

- Maybe, I don't know.
Hey, when do you guys leave?

Because I'm about to order
a 22-foot sub,

and I'd prefer
to keep it intact,

so one end has to start
in your room.

- So there are a couple issues.

- Wow, that's complex.

That is [bleep] complex.

- Um, your daughter is trying
to have a conversation

with you, so if you could
put the cookie down,

and try to engage
meaningfully...

I'm so sorry, I was just
recently in couple's therapy,

and that just popped out.

- All right,
I'm engaging meaningfully.

- I don't want to do
a Green Day party.

- I thought I asked you
to mind your own business.

- This is all Cheyenne,
I'm just here for support.

- But she agrees with me, okay?

Green Day is dumb.

And you know what?
I'm not going to college.

- What? Huh?
No, we didn't talk about that.

- Cheyenne,
you're going to college.

- No, I'm not.

Just 'cause you're my mom
doesn't mean that

you get to tell me what to do.

Right, Amy?

- Um, I mean, in general,
that seems true--

- See?
She agrees.

I'm an adult,
and I make my own decisions.

And so,
I'm gonna buy a motorcycle,

or, I don't know,
a monkey, maybe both.

- Um, could we just quickly
go back to the college thing--

- You don't get to tell
me what to eat, either!

So if I want to eat peyote,

I am gonna eat all
the peyote I want.

And I'm getting
a full-sized back tattoo

of the raccoon from
"Guardians of the Galaxy,"

.

[upbeat music]

*

[alarm blares]

- So you're saying reindeers
actually exist,

like, in the real world?

- We had a reindeer
in the store on Christmas.

- I didn't think
it was a real reindeer.

I thought it was a normal deer

with antlers nailed
to its head.

- Oh, I don't think leprechauns
should be in the real column.

- Who knows, though, right?

- What?
- What are you doing?

- Is this still
about the angel thing?

- Hm?
- Look, I get it.

I mean, it must be hard
to believe in angels

if you've never seen one
first-hand.

- Wait, you've seen an angel?

- Sure have.
- When?

- Shh!
When?

- Well, um, when I was five,

I fell into the indoor pool

at the Silver Dollar City
Ramada Inn.

- [gasps]
- And I mean,

I sank like a brick.

And I remember thinking I'd
never seen my parents again.

When suddenly,
this figure appeared.

- Did he have wings?

- He did have wings.

- Knew it.
I knew it.

- And he sort of was like
floating above me,

as if to say,
"You're safe now."

Next thing I know,
I'm back in our hotel room,

dry as a bone.

- Oh!

- Wow.

- That's real.
[relieved laughter]

- Is it possible that
the figure was floating

because he was, you know,
in a pool?

- I know what I saw.

- Yeah, and I believe that
you believe that you saw that,

but you were also deprived of
oxygen for a little while--

- Why are you doing this?

- Because he's jelly
of your peanut butter.

- No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not--I'm not jelly, no.

I just--I just think, you know,
maybe what you saw

wasn't, um, an angel.

Maybe what you saw was just
a pasty hotel guest in a robe.

- Yeah, maybe.

Mm-hmm.
Maybe I'll consider that

when I'm home this weekend,
alone.

- Whoa, whoa, what are
we talking about, now?

- Trouble in paradise.

- Have you been
in the break room all day?

- Yeah, I'm just
not feeling it today.

- Look, I'm sorry,
I did not know that

she was gonna say those things.

All I said to her was that
she should be able

to make her own decisions.
But I am not her mom.

And if someone told my
daughter not to listen to me,

well, then,
I would be pretty upset.

So, I am sorry.

- I just get so worried

she's gonna make
the same mistakes I did.

- Yeah.
- I get so scared

she's gonna end up in jail,

or still working here
when she's our age.

- Uh, yeah, I don't--

I don't know that those two
are exactly equivalent.

- I don't know which is worse.

- Jail, probably.

- Well...

Hey, what do you think
about Bo?

- Uh, I think he is
an interesting individual.

- I think he's a loser.

- Clown.
I mean, "clown"

is the first word
that comes to mind.

When I think of him, like,

I half expect my hand
to buzz when he shakes it.

- I don't think clowns do that
any more,

but that's very funny.

You're funny.

- Hey.

Dina, I know things
got a little heated--

- Listen, I apologize
if I overreacted.

- Oh, thank God.
Me too.

- The things is,
I'm gonna go have sex

with Marcus in a few minutes.
- What?

- What?

- That's the special project
you needed help with?

Sweet!

- Why would you--
- There's just an attraction

there, I can't deny it,

blah, blah, blah,
the point is,

maybe I get pregnant,
maybe I don't.

Who knows?

So this could be all booked up.

No room at the inn.

- You can't do this.

- Oh, I am going to
with zero protection.

- Zero?

- Amy and I think you need

to start getting serious
about your life.

- So now you're on her side?

- No, I'm not on anyone's side.

I just agree with her
on this stuff.

So, now I think it's time for
you to engage meaningfully.

- You gotta be responsible,
and part of being responsible

means getting rid of Bo.

- Wait, what?

- He's a loser,
Amy and I both agree.

- You do?

- No, uh-uh,
I did never call him a loser.

- Sorry, I think I'm the one
who called him a loser.

Amy called him a clown.

- I don't--I don't know
how this is productive.

How about we get back
to the college--

- I can't believe you guys.

- Amy and I are on
the same page about this one.

I felt like that went so well.

She is so attached to Bo.

.

- The same rules as last time?

No kissing, no eye contact,
I leave as soon as you're done?

- We're not sleeping together.

That was just a negotiation
tactic with Glenn.

- Oh, right.

Of course.
Smart.

I mean, if someone
actually cared,

it could be super hurtful,
but it's not me.

- Dina, I'd like you
to meet my new surrogate.

She's ready to rock.

Isn't that right, Sandra?

- Yeah, I'm really excited.

And I have no problem
signing all the paperwork,

so let's do it.

- Sandra, mm-hmm.
You're gonna go with Sandra?

- Mm-hmm.

- You are gonna leave your baby
at the mercy of a person

whose judgment is so bad
she moved from Hawaii

to St. Louis?

- Yes, I am.

And as soon as
I give Sandra the shot,

our deal is over.

- Fine, good.

Marcus!

That was just foreplay,
all right?

We're about to get
this thing going!

- Sandra, lift your shirt.

- Marcus, take off your shirt!

- Fair warning, I still have
a bit of a Thanksgiving paunch

I'm working off.
- All right, this is happening.

- Oh, oh, oh, well, you know
what else is happening?

This thing over here!
- Yeah, look at this!

Here we go!

- Take this off!
- Come on, go, go, go!

- Guys, guys, guys!

You both know what you're
doing, so stop pretending!

Glenn, you obviously
don't want to use Sandra.

- Of course I don't want
to use Sandra.

Who would want to use Sandra?

- You think I want
to have sex with Marcus?

He starts every time by saying,

"I'm not really sure what
I'm doing down there."

- Oh, sorry for being honest.

- Well, both of you clearly
want this, so just get over it.

- Fine with me.

- All right.

- So...

I guess we should
go back to work.

- Are you hitting on me?

I honestly--
I can't tell anymore.

[laughter]

- Hey.

- Hey, join us.

- So you two are getting along.

- Yeah, we worked it all out.

- Good, good.

See? All it needed was a little
bit of communication...

- Amy, we're gonna need you
to engage meaningfully

for a minute.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Shh!
You're not engaging.

- Look, I love you,
but sometimes,

you give a little bit
too much advice.

Like, telling me
how to spend my money,

or that my yearbook quote
shouldn't be,

"Catch me outside,
how 'bout that?"

- Yeah, I was just saying
that yearbooks are permanent.

- You're pushy,
you're manipulative,

and you were super mean
about Bo.

- Ooh, are you burning Amy?
I got a good one.

Your hair.
Boom.

- That was harsh.

- I don't know, man,
I mean, today it's angels,

tomorrow it's,
let's go ghost hunting.

- Look, man, Kelly is cool,
she's fun,

you guys should
go away together.

- Yeah, well, maybe we will.
Just not this weekend.

- No.

You have something special,

and you're gonna throw
it all away

'cause she sees
an angel or two?

- Are you just saying this
because

you don't want to miss out on
your epic gaming weekend

with Randy?
- Screw the weekend!

This is about you
and an amazing woman

that I don't want
to see slip away.

- Okay, you can drop
the cheesy rom com routine.

- Jonah,
the world is a lonely place.

Now, when two people find love,
they need to celebrate--

- Ironically,
the content of everything

you're saying is true,

but you don't need to--
to dress it up in some--

- You have a real shot
at happiness,

you dumb son of a bitch.

If you don't take it,
I'll never forgive you.

But more importantly,

you'll never forgive you.

- Okay, I'll go talk to Kelly.

- You take that shot, man.

You go to her,
and you never look back!

- I'm going to, but not because
of this thing, okay?

- You get her back.

Sorry about that, dawg.
Yes, we are back on.