Original subtitles

- Thank you all for coming in early.

Uh, there's been an unfortunate incident

we need to discuss.

- What's that in your ear? - Nothing.

I got it pierced. No big deal.

- Oh, wait, hold up. What are we working with here?

Is that a-- a snake or a lightning bolt?

- This is not what I'm here-- it's a guitar.

An electric guitar.

Anyway, Roger from the café,

as most of you may have heard, has been let go,

uh, for releasing a Facebook video

in which he was behaving in a manner

that Cloud 9 does not condone.

- Just say it; he farted in the cups.

- We all saw the video. - What? I didn't see it.

- It's been taken down. - Guys--

- I saved it. I'll send it to you.

- Thanks, man. - I don't understand.

Who even thinks of farting in cups as something to do?

- It's so gross! Especially in the kitchen.

- If you think about it, it's not that gross.

Farts are just air.

- Cheyenne, that's beautiful! - But it's not exactly true.

Fart air has billions of fecal particles in it.

I mean, that's what causes the smell--feces in your nose.

- I thought the gas just smelled.

- Fart ingredients. - Okay, no--

We don't need to do that. That's--I think the lesson here

is be careful what you post on social media.

- Um, shouldn't the lesson be: don't fart in cups?

- Yes. In a perfect world,

people wouldn't fart in cups, but we live in the real world.

- Um, when you say "be careful,"

what are we not allowed to post?

Because I do a lot of Instagram videos

and they can be pretty edgy.

- Do you fart in cups? - No.

- Then I think we're pretty good.

- You know what? I'm gonna take a look

at everybody's social media,

make sure everything's above board.

- No, uh, that's not necessary.

Everybody here can self-police.

- Uh, why self-police when you can have actual police?

[farting]

- Ha!

Wait, these cups?

[upbeat music]

But even the crowd can't help me now

- Hey, guys. It's your girl, Kelly.

Check out how many balloons this guy is buying.

- What are you guys watching?

- Kelly's Instagram videos. They're adorable.

- It better be somebody's birthday!

[laughter] - Too funny.

- But it probably was someone's birthday.

- I know, right? She nailed it.

- Okay, is the joke that it's so boring, or...

- Oh, did you guys see the one with the orange?

- Wait. - Hey, guys.

It's your girl, Kelly.

So I've been trying to open this orange

for, like, five minutes. [laughs]

It's pretty much just unpeelable.

Here, watch. [giggles]

- Okay, seriously, that is my life.

[chuckling]

- I don't understand this.

I sent out a mass email to all our rewards customers,

you know, to apologize for...

the attack on the cups,

and look!

- "Dear, valued customer,

"when humans eat food, it's processed in the intestines,

producing gas."

Wow, you really took it from the top.

- Yeah, of course. But then look.

A huge number of these things

bounced back, and that makes me worried

that it's either Russian hackers...

- Could be them. That's their style.

- Or I picked up a virus

looking at those baptism videos, maybe.

- That's where they are. - Or...

An employee's inventing fake customers.

- Why would anybody do that?

- Well, because you get a dollar

for every rewards card that you sign up.

- What? You get a dollar per Blue Card?

Since when? - Since always.

You know, so theoretically,

employees could just fill out a bunch of fake forms

and over time, it-- God, that would really add up.

- That's... Something I can't believe people haven't

been doing the entire time. - Yeah.

- It'd be almost impossible to trace.

- I get it. - Except...

Almost all of these customers

were signed up by the same employee.

- Really? Who?

- I sign up a lot of... rewards customers.

I mean, I...can't remember every single one.

- It's just that I noticed

they seem to have really unusual names.

Ned Duracell.

Jim Toblerone.

And just this morning, you signed up

a Martin Nestle.

- Oh, Martin! Uh, yeah.

I--I remember him.

Uh, good guy. Nice family.

- Mateo, can you think of any reason

why Martin's email bounced back?

- He gave me a fake email?

- That's one reason. Um...

But another one is--

a-and I'm not accusing you of this,

but maybe...

You made him up? - What?

Glenn!

Wow!

- Cheyenne? I need your help

accessing people's social media

before we have another scandal.

I feel like that lady from "Scandal."

Is her name Scandal?

- Um, can't you just do it yourself?

- Don't do social media. Never have. Never will.

Don't want anyone tracking me.

I only use the Internet for two things:

buying birdseed, watching porn.

Besides, it'll be fun.

Couple of gals clickin' and a-clackin'

around the net.

- Are you asking me, or telling me I have to?

- I'm telling you you have to,

but in a way that makes it sound like I'm asking you.

- Okay, then I guess I will.

- Are you sure?

- Are you doing it again? - Yeah.

- Hey, guys. It's your girl, Kelly.

You know how sometimes you get a shopping cart

with a bad wheel?

Well, this one has a really bad wheel.

AKA, no wheel!

- [laughs] - Check it out!

[laughter]

- Wheel fail!

- Wait, really?

What am I missing here? This is lame.

- No, I know! So lame. - It's your girl, Kelly.

I'm just having a little breakfast,

the most important meal of the day,

although some people refuse to eat it.

- All your cereals have marshmallows.

It's like you're a nine-year-old.

- Oh. - Well, they're fun, Jonah.

Hey, um, I might need a ride home later today.

Do you happen to know where Kelly lives?

- Uh, lemme see.

I think I heard she lives over in Soulard now.

- Okay, yeah, great.

And um, what side of the bed does she sleep on?

- Wh--

Well, I don't-- why would--

You know. - I know.

- I-I wasn't, like, trying to not tell you or anything.

We've just been kind of laying low.

You know, it hasn't actually been that long.

- Jonah, relax. It's fine.

I think it's great. It's great.

Kelly's sweet. - She is.

- And besides, I'm kind of relieved.

I couldn't figure out why you liked those dumb videos.

- Dumb? - I mean, I don't mean dumb.

I just mean, like, "Ah, I can't peel this orange."

It's not exactly a TED talk.

- I like her videos.

- Mm-hmm. You like her something.

- Whatever. You know what? You're just jealous.

- Uh, someone's flattering himself.

- No, I meant jealous that everybody loves her videos.

- Yeah, I know that's what you meant.

And why would I be jealous of her videos?

Oh, she filmed herself microwaving ramen

and she got 100 people to view it.

Yeah, she's Sofia Coppola.

- You couldn't do it. - Please.

You could get 100 people to watch anything.

- Fine. Then do it.

100 views by the end of the day--

loser has to clean the rat traps.

- Okay, well then, you're on,

and I hope you like dead rats.

- I hope you like failure. - I hope you like...

Me winning bets.

- * It's getting late to give you up *

- Hi! It's Cloud9 Amy!

Comin' at you from Cloud 9...

in St. Louis, Missouri,

between aisles seven and eight.

Oh, look! It's a two-for-one sale!

How come you never hear of one-for-two?

Oh, probably because no one would ever pay twice as much.

All right, that is bad.

Can you please not watch me?

- How could I not? It's riveting.

- Hi! It's Cloud 9 Amy!

- Hundreds of fake Blue Cards?

How long have you been doing this?

- I started my second day. I thought everyone did it!

I mean, it's kind of obvious.

- Not to everyone.

- Oh, hey, Glenn!

It was really bugging me that Martin Nestle lied

about his email address, so I did some digging

and I found his actual email on his company website.

- Boogie-Time Boogie Boards, Incorporated.

That doesn't look like a very professional website, does it?

- I know, right?

These beach bum types.

[clears throat] Anyway...

There he is. Martin Nestle, CEO.

- Huh.

That looks like the guy from "Twilight."

- You saw "Twilight?"

- No. Jerusha said I shouldn't.

So I didn't.

- I mean--

I guess it kinda looks like him

if you squint. [chuckles]

It's so funny you know who that is.

- Hey, let's see if they have a page

for buying a boogie board on there, huh?

- I don't think that the link is up yet.

- Click on the "About," where it tells you

the story of how the company started.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

Do you have a moment to watch a short video?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I just moved here from Tampa.

- Ooh, Garrett! Have you watched my video yet?

- No. Why?

- 'Cause I'm trying to prove to Jonah

that I can get more views than Kelly.

- Oh, 'cause they're dating? - What? No.

That doesn't have anything to do with it.

This is about having a web presence.

Jeez, Garrett, get with it.

- You're right. I'll work on my self-awareness.

- Oh, come on! Still only 12 views.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers!

Who likes viral videos?

Ma'am? Ma'am?

- Man, Facebook is a bust.

It's all baby photos and quizzes

about which "Longmire" character you are.

- Cool. Then I guess we can stop?

- Hang on.

Elias went on a date with two women?

- It's probably just his wife's sister or something.

- Mm, yeah. I don't think so.

- Oh, my God!

Elias is in a throuple.

- Throuple.

Is that like when three hideous people get together?

- Just three people. - Oh.

- But yeah, they usually are. - Hmm.

- Hey, Glenn, there's a customer here

who wants to talk to a manager. - Okay.

Hello. Glenn Sturgis speaking.

- Yes, this is Martin Nestle.

- Well, hello, Mr. Nestle.

Trace this call.

- Yeah, I don't have that technology.

- I signed up for a Blue Card

and I think I may have given the wrong email.

- Okay, well, thank you for calling to tell us.

Are you tracing this call?

While I have you on the phone,

what'd you think of the employee

who signed you up?

His name's Mateo.

And I think he's a real dummy!

A class A stinker!

- What are you saying about me?

- Oh.

- Mr. Sturgis, I need to get back to work.

- Uh, okay, then.

Well, h-have a heavenly day.

- Oh. Who were you talking to?

- Martin Nestle.

- Oh.

- Lost the trace.

- [laughs] Did you know Marcus has a podcast

called "Celebrities I Would Bone,"

and in every episode he just lists

celebrities he would bone.

- Man, there is an audience out there for anything.

Oh, wow. Okay, you're gonna love this.

Remember Anna who had to leave to take care of her sick mom?

Well, turns out her sick mom is also a boob surgeon!

- Wow!

[chortles] He went too big.

She's gonna have back problems. - Waste of money.

She should've fixed her face first.

- [chuckles] Yeah. - Oh, whoops.

You were supposed to go on your break ten minutes ago.

- Oh, um, that's okay.

I'll just sit here and eat my lunch with you.

- Safety always comes... It's the bottom of the ninth.

- What is this?

- Just a woman going insane.

- Mark down-io! Yee-haw!

Howdy, partner. That was crazy.

How dem cows... Inventor-ium!

- Maybe if we took her phone away--

- Don't even think about it.

.

- Yo, yo, yo. It's Cloud 9 Amy

doin' my trick.

Zonin' this aisle to make it look sick!

You want batteries? I got loads of D's.

And some frozen peas full of vitamin C!

Self-check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Self-check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Self-check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Get it?

So?

- Wow, Amy.

- So fun.

- It's a work in progress,

and--and I know it's corny.

That's what makes it funny. Right?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

- So funny. - Yeah.

- Okay.

Thanks.

- Is this because Jonah's dating Kelly?

- Definitely. - Yeah.

- I went to theater camp for two summers.

That was my Audrey II voice.

- Calm down. It was fine.

- There is no way you should've gotten away with this.

- You're just jealous. - I am.

And I'm not even trying to hide it.

- Mateo, I want to apologize,

both for the things that I said about you,

and for thinking that you would ever make up a customer.

- Well, it's just hard.

I was accused of a crime by my boss

and role model.

- Take the win.

- I wanna make it up to you.

How about lunch?

We'll go up to the Beef Barn

and get a--a table right near the tractor?

- Uh, you know, I am actually starting to get over it.

- Mateo, he's trying to apologize to you.

- A nice, long lunch, just the two of you?

Oh, so lucky!

- Glenn, you know, maybe lunch isn't enough.

You were really rude to him. - Oh, yeah, you were.

Maybe stop by a few museums or something on the way.

- I suppose we could. - Lunch sounds great.

Lunch. - Terrific.

I can't wait!

- [sighs]

- Hmm.

I'm feeling less jealous.

- Kate Upton, Arianna Grande, Serena Williams,

1994 Meryl Streep, 1995 Meryl Streep,

and the "Wonder Woman" chick.

"Celebrities I Would Bone" is brought to you by Blue Apron,

a better way to cook--

God, that hour flies by.

- Ahhh!

Head into the kitchen where we make our tasty treats.

Y'all can just kick it while I drop this sick beat.

[beat-boxing]

This is stupid.

These videos are so stupid.

- Two women want that inside them.

- What would it take to get you to sleep with Elias?

- $435 grand.

I have a figure for everyone here.

Yours is only 75 bucks, by the way.

- Oh, thank you.

What about Glenn?

- There's not enough money in the world.

- [beat-boxing]

This is so stupid.

All of these videos are stupid.

Not everything needs to be documented.

Look at where I am!

Look at what I ate for lunch today.

Nobody cares!

We're all becoming these narcissistic attention whores.

How about we actually-- - Okay, at some point

she's gotta see the rats.

- Well, you know what? Watch, don't watch,

I don't care.

But if you like what you saw, you can follow me on Snapchat,

Instagram, and Twitter on @Cloud9AmyD.

- I don't think she saw the rats.

- I don't think so.

- I am really looking forward to this, Mateo.

I don't get to take my employees to lunch very often.

- Well, only the lucky ones, I guess.

- Yeah, I got to take Jonah to lunch once.

I really got to know him.

You know, his interests, his background,

his voice.

- Oh?

- Hey, and since we're going to Clayton,

you know what's on the way?

Martin Nestle's office.

Maybe we should drop by.

Unless there's some reason you don't wanna go.

- Nope.

I would... love to visit Martin.

- Great.

- Great. - Great.

- Great.

- Great.

- Oh, hey, Jonah, will you help me read something real quick?

Bam! 15,000 views!

Ha-ha!

- Yep. - And I only posted it

half an hour ago, which means there must be a real appetite

for smart social commentary.

- I guess I'm cleaning the rat traps.

- Yeah. I guess you are.

- Oh, hey, speaking of the rat traps,

did you get a chance to watch the video

before you posted it?

- No. Why?

- I know I never explicitly said

not to post videos of rat infestations in the kitchen,

but I thought I didn't need to.

.

- Look, I'm sorry.

I should have watched the video before I posted it.

- How 'bout if we just stop posting videos of the store,

period. - Whoa! No way!

- Aw! - That's not fair!

- Amy's screw up shouldn't overshadow the fact

that there's some really terrific filmmaking going on.

Like Kelly's. - Yes.

- Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

- Okay, I'm gonna start compiling a list

of all the things we should not be posting about,

starting with farting in cups and rat infestations.

- Again, didn't know the rats were there.

- Why did you have to make a video at all?

Is it about fame? - No!

- Murdering a clown.

- What?

- That's something that

we shouldn't post online.

- Murdering a clown? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay. "Murdering a clown."

- You could just write "anything illegal."

- Look, Amy, are you going through some kind of

a midlife crisis, is that it?

- Is that a new earring?

- Yes, it's a peace sign. - No.

I was just trying to prove that I could make a video

that could get a bunch of views.

- Does this have something to do with Jonah dating Kelly?

- Jonah and Kelly? - Whoa!

- What? - What? No!

- I knew it. - Come on.

- We were gonna keep that a secret.

- Well, then maybe you shouldn't have posted about it

on the Internet.

- Thank you. - Do we need to fill out

one of those relationship disclosures?

- Oh, I'm sorry, you want to know if you need to

let Corporate know that two low-level floor workers

are in a relationship? Yeah, I'm su--

Let me call a board meeting.

- Feels like misplaced aggression.

- Are we calling it a relationship?

- Oh, I just meant for the-- - No, I mean--I mean--

- Are you-- - Okay, if you--

- Yeah, no. I'm--I'm cool.

- Cool. - Cool.

- * I hear the secrets that you keep *

* When you're talking in your sleep *

- Weird that this is a boogie board company.

- Guess he runs his business out of his home?

Less overhead.

- Mm.

- [sighs]

Well, he's obviously not here, so we sh--

- Hello? - Oh, hello.

- Hello. - So sorry to bother you,

but is Martin Nestle here? - Who?

- Martin Nestle.

This is Boogie-Time Boogie Board, Incorporated, isn't it?

- What's a boogie board?

- And 11 stitches there.

- Wow. You really do have a lot of scars.

- Well, that's why I switched to birds.

Chimps are very violent.

And they're constantly masturbating.

Birds do it less.

And when a bird orgasms,

it's the most beautiful song you've ever heard.

- That's cool.

- It is. It is cool.

Gosh. [sighs]

You know, I'm actually almost excited

Roger decided to fart in all those cups and film it,

because...

It gave us a chance to get to know each other better.

- You wanna know something funny?

- Uh, yeah!

- I was the one who filmed him doing it.

- Stop. - Plus, I dared him to do it.

I was like, "I bet you can't fart into those cups,"

even though I totally knew he could.

- [laughs] That's hilarious!

- I know, right?

[laughter]

- Oh, my gosh. - [laughing]

- Well, I--I just gotta go grab the form

to write you up. [laughs]

Oh, but thank you so much for sharing that with me.

It means a lot.

- Oh, my God.

- So, I guess that's it then.

- There's no Martin Nestle!

I made him up.

I made them all up,

but I am sorry.

- See? That, I find difficult to believe.

- Okay, what can I do to show you that I mean it?

- Well...

Let me just make a quick call.

- Oh, you don't really have to clean out the rat traps.

- Ah-ah-ah, a bet is a bet, and you won.

- Yeah, that's not exactly how I wanted to win.

Here, I'll give you a hand.

- All right! Let's do this.

- All right. - Oh! You already have help.

- Oh, well, I worked fast food jobs through high school,

so I know my way around a rat trap.

[laughs] - So many talents.

- [giggles] - Your weapon.

- All right. Oh.

[both giggling]

- Okay, well, then I guess I will just, uh,

leave you to it. - Bye!

- Later.

Fun fact. That is just blueberry soda.

[both giggling]

- I now baptize you for the forgiveness of your sins!

- [sputters]

I feel it working.

- That's the Jesus!

Now, come on, I'll buy you that magnet from the gift shop.