All language subtitles for Superstore.S03E08.WEBRip.x264-IO10_English

- Thank you all
for coming in early.

Uh, there's been
an unfortunate incident

we need to discuss.

- What's that in your ear?
- Nothing.

I got it pierced. No big deal.

- Oh, wait, hold up.
What are we working with here?

Is that a--
a snake or a lightning bolt?

- This is not what I'm here--
it's a guitar.

An electric guitar.

Anyway, Roger from the café,

as most of you may have heard,
has been let go,

uh, for releasing
a Facebook video

in which he was behaving
in a manner

that Cloud 9 does not condone.

- Just say it;
he farted in the cups.

- We all saw the video.
- What? I didn't see it.

- It's been taken down.
- Guys--

- I saved it.
I'll send it to you.

- Thanks, man.
- I don't understand.

Who even thinks of farting in
cups as something to do?

- It's so gross!
Especially in the kitchen.

- If you think about it,
it's not that gross.

Farts are just air.

- Cheyenne, that's beautiful!
- But it's not exactly true.

Fart air has billions
of fecal particles in it.

I mean, that's what causes
the smell--feces in your nose.

- I thought the gas
just smelled.

- Fart ingredients.
- Okay, no--

We don't need to do that.
That's--I think the lesson here

is be careful what you post
on social media.

- Um, shouldn't the lesson be:
don't fart in cups?

- Yes.
In a perfect world,

people wouldn't fart in cups,
but we live in the real world.

- Um, when you say
"be careful,"

what are we not allowed
to post?

Because I do a lot
of Instagram videos

and they can be pretty edgy.

- Do you fart in cups?
- No.

- Then I think
we're pretty good.

- You know what?
I'm gonna take a look

at everybody's social media,

make sure everything's
above board.

- No, uh, that's not necessary.

Everybody here can self-police.

- Uh, why self-police when
you can have actual police?

[farting]

- Ha!

Wait, these cups?

[upbeat music]

But even the crowd
can't help me now

- Hey, guys.
It's your girl, Kelly.

Check out how many balloons
this guy is buying.

- What are you guys watching?

- Kelly's Instagram videos.
They're adorable.

- It better be
somebody's birthday!

[laughter]
- Too funny.

- But it probably was
someone's birthday.

- I know, right?
She nailed it.

- Okay, is the joke
that it's so boring, or...

- Oh, did you guys see
the one with the orange?

- Wait.
- Hey, guys.

It's your girl, Kelly.

So I've been trying
to open this orange

for, like, five minutes.
[laughs]

It's pretty much
just unpeelable.

Here, watch.
[giggles]

- Okay, seriously,
that is my life.

[chuckling]

- I don't understand this.

I sent out a mass email
to all our rewards customers,

you know, to apologize for...

the attack on the cups,

and look!

- "Dear, valued customer,

"when humans eat food, it's
processed in the intestines,

producing gas."

Wow, you really
took it from the top.

- Yeah, of course.
But then look.

A huge number of these things

bounced back,
and that makes me worried

that it's either
Russian hackers...

- Could be them.
That's their style.

- Or I picked up a virus

looking at those
baptism videos, maybe.

- That's where they are.
- Or...

An employee's inventing
fake customers.

- Why would anybody do that?

- Well, because
you get a dollar

for every rewards card
that you sign up.

- What? You get a dollar
per Blue Card?

Since when?
- Since always.

You know, so theoretically,

employees could just fill out
a bunch of fake forms

and over time, it--
God, that would really add up.

- That's... Something I can't
believe people haven't

been doing the entire time.
- Yeah.

- It'd be almost impossible
to trace.

- I get it.
- Except...

Almost all of these customers

were signed up
by the same employee.

- Really? Who?

- I sign up a lot of...
rewards customers.

I mean, I...can't remember
every single one.

- It's just that I noticed

they seem to have really
unusual names.

Ned Duracell.

Jim Toblerone.

And just this morning,
you signed up

a Martin Nestle.

- Oh, Martin!
Uh, yeah.

I--I remember him.

Uh, good guy.
Nice family.

- Mateo,
can you think of any reason

why Martin's email
bounced back?

- He gave me a fake email?

- That's one reason.
Um...

But another one is--

a-and I'm not accusing you
of this,

but maybe...

You made him up?
- What?

Glenn!

Wow!

- Cheyenne?
I need your help

accessing people's social media

before we have another scandal.

I feel like that lady
from "Scandal."

Is her name Scandal?

- Um, can't you just do it
yourself?

- Don't do social media.
Never have. Never will.

Don't want anyone tracking me.

I only use the Internet
for two things:

buying birdseed,
watching porn.

Besides, it'll be fun.

Couple of gals clickin'
and a-clackin'

around the net.

- Are you asking me,
or telling me I have to?

- I'm telling you
you have to,

but in a way that makes it
sound like I'm asking you.

- Okay, then I guess I will.

- Are you sure?

- Are you doing it again?
- Yeah.

- Hey, guys.
It's your girl, Kelly.

You know how sometimes
you get a shopping cart

with a bad wheel?

Well, this one has
a really bad wheel.

AKA, no wheel!

- [laughs]
- Check it out!

[laughter]

- Wheel fail!

- Wait, really?

What am I missing here?
This is lame.

- No, I know! So lame.
- It's your girl, Kelly.

I'm just having
a little breakfast,

the most important meal
of the day,

although some people
refuse to eat it.

- All your cereals
have marshmallows.

It's like you're
a nine-year-old.

- Oh.
- Well, they're fun, Jonah.

Hey, um, I might need a ride
home later today.

Do you happen to know
where Kelly lives?

- Uh, lemme see.

I think I heard she lives
over in Soulard now.

- Okay, yeah, great.

And um, what side of the bed
does she sleep on?

- Wh--

Well, I don't--
why would--

You know.
- I know.

- I-I wasn't, like, trying to
not tell you or anything.

We've just been
kind of laying low.

You know, it hasn't
actually been that long.

- Jonah, relax.
It's fine.

I think it's great.
It's great.

Kelly's sweet.
- She is.

- And besides,
I'm kind of relieved.

I couldn't figure out why
you liked those dumb videos.

- Dumb?
- I mean, I don't mean dumb.

I just mean, like, "Ah,
I can't peel this orange."

It's not exactly a TED talk.

- I like her videos.

- Mm-hmm.
You like her something.

- Whatever. You know what?
You're just jealous.

- Uh, someone's
flattering himself.

- No, I meant jealous that
everybody loves her videos.

- Yeah, I know
that's what you meant.

And why would I be jealous
of her videos?

Oh, she filmed herself
microwaving ramen

and she got 100 people
to view it.

Yeah, she's Sofia Coppola.

- You couldn't do it.
- Please.

You could get 100 people
to watch anything.

- Fine. Then do it.

100 views
by the end of the day--

loser has to clean
the rat traps.

- Okay, well then,
you're on,

and I hope you like dead rats.

- I hope you like failure.
- I hope you like...

Me winning bets.

- * It's getting late
to give you up *

- Hi! It's Cloud9 Amy!

Comin' at you from Cloud 9...

in St. Louis, Missouri,

between aisles seven and eight.

Oh, look!
It's a two-for-one sale!

How come you never hear of
one-for-two?

Oh, probably because no one
would ever pay twice as much.

All right, that is bad.

Can you please not watch me?

- How could I not?
It's riveting.

- Hi! It's Cloud 9 Amy!

- Hundreds of fake Blue Cards?

How long have you
been doing this?

- I started my second day.
I thought everyone did it!

I mean, it's kind of obvious.

- Not to everyone.

- Oh, hey, Glenn!

It was really bugging me
that Martin Nestle lied

about his email address,
so I did some digging

and I found his actual email
on his company website.

- Boogie-Time Boogie Boards,
Incorporated.

That doesn't look like a very
professional website, does it?

- I know, right?

These beach bum types.

[clears throat]
Anyway...

There he is.
Martin Nestle, CEO.

- Huh.

That looks like the guy
from "Twilight."

- You saw "Twilight?"

- No. Jerusha said I shouldn't.

So I didn't.

- I mean--

I guess it kinda looks like him

if you squint.
[chuckles]

It's so funny
you know who that is.

- Hey, let's see
if they have a page

for buying a boogie board
on there, huh?

- I don't think that the link
is up yet.

- Click on the "About,"
where it tells you

the story
of how the company started.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

Do you have a moment
to watch a short video?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
I just moved here from Tampa.

- Ooh, Garrett!
Have you watched my video yet?

- No. Why?

- 'Cause I'm trying
to prove to Jonah

that I can get more views
than Kelly.

- Oh, 'cause they're dating?
- What? No.

That doesn't have anything
to do with it.

This is about having
a web presence.

Jeez, Garrett, get with it.

- You're right.
I'll work on my self-awareness.

- Oh, come on!
Still only 12 views.

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers!

Who likes viral videos?

Ma'am? Ma'am?

- Man, Facebook is a bust.

It's all baby photos
and quizzes

about which "Longmire"
character you are.

- Cool.
Then I guess we can stop?

- Hang on.

Elias went on a date
with two women?

- It's probably just
his wife's sister or something.

- Mm, yeah.
I don't think so.

- Oh, my God!

Elias is in a throuple.

- Throuple.

Is that like when three hideous
people get together?

- Just three people.
- Oh.

- But yeah, they usually are.
- Hmm.

- Hey, Glenn,
there's a customer here

who wants to talk to a manager.
- Okay.

Hello. Glenn Sturgis speaking.

- Yes, this is Martin Nestle.

- Well, hello, Mr. Nestle.

Trace this call.

- Yeah, I don't have
that technology.

- I signed up for a Blue Card

and I think I may have given
the wrong email.

- Okay, well, thank you
for calling to tell us.

Are you tracing this call?

While I have you on the phone,

what'd you think
of the employee

who signed you up?

His name's Mateo.

And I think he's a real dummy!

A class A stinker!

- What are you saying
about me?

- Oh.

- Mr. Sturgis,
I need to get back to work.

- Uh, okay, then.

Well, h-have a heavenly day.

- Oh.
Who were you talking to?

- Martin Nestle.

- Oh.

- Lost the trace.

- [laughs] Did you know
Marcus has a podcast

called "Celebrities
I Would Bone,"

and in every episode
he just lists

celebrities he would bone.

- Man, there is an audience
out there for anything.

Oh, wow.
Okay, you're gonna love this.

Remember Anna who had to leave
to take care of her sick mom?

Well, turns out her sick mom
is also a boob surgeon!

- Wow!

[chortles]
He went too big.

She's gonna have back problems.
- Waste of money.

She should've fixed
her face first.

- [chuckles] Yeah.
- Oh, whoops.

You were supposed to go on
your break ten minutes ago.

- Oh, um, that's okay.

I'll just sit here
and eat my lunch with you.

- Safety always comes...
It's the bottom of the ninth.

- What is this?

- Just a woman going insane.

- Mark down-io!
Yee-haw!

Howdy, partner.
That was crazy.

How dem cows...
Inventor-ium!

- Maybe if we took
her phone away--

- Don't even think about it.

.

- Yo, yo, yo.
It's Cloud 9 Amy

doin' my trick.

Zonin' this aisle
to make it look sick!

You want batteries?
I got loads of D's.

And some frozen peas
full of vitamin C!

Self-check yourself
before you wreck yourself.

Self-check yourself
before you wreck yourself.

Self-check yourself
before you wreck yourself.

Get it?

So?

- Wow, Amy.

- So fun.

- It's a work in progress,

and--and I know it's corny.

That's what makes it funny.
Right?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, definitely.

- So funny.
- Yeah.

- Okay.

Thanks.

- Is this because
Jonah's dating Kelly?

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

- I went to theater camp
for two summers.

That was my Audrey II voice.

- Calm down.
It was fine.

- There is no way you should've
gotten away with this.

- You're just jealous.
- I am.

And I'm not even
trying to hide it.

- Mateo,
I want to apologize,

both for the things
that I said about you,

and for thinking that you would
ever make up a customer.

- Well, it's just hard.

I was accused of a crime
by my boss

and role model.

- Take the win.

- I wanna make it up to you.

How about lunch?

We'll go up to the Beef Barn

and get a--a table
right near the tractor?

- Uh, you know, I am actually
starting to get over it.

- Mateo, he's trying
to apologize to you.

- A nice, long lunch,
just the two of you?

Oh, so lucky!

- Glenn, you know,
maybe lunch isn't enough.

You were really rude to him.
- Oh, yeah, you were.

Maybe stop by a few museums
or something on the way.

- I suppose we could.
- Lunch sounds great.

Lunch.
- Terrific.

I can't wait!

- [sighs]

- Hmm.

I'm feeling less jealous.

- Kate Upton, Arianna Grande,
Serena Williams,

1994 Meryl Streep,
1995 Meryl Streep,

and the "Wonder Woman" chick.

"Celebrities I Would Bone" is
brought to you by Blue Apron,

a better way to cook--

God, that hour flies by.

- Ahhh!

Head into the kitchen where
we make our tasty treats.

Y'all can just kick it
while I drop this sick beat.

[beat-boxing]

This is stupid.

These videos are so stupid.

- Two women want that
inside them.

- What would it take to get
you to sleep with Elias?

- $435 grand.

I have a figure
for everyone here.

Yours is only 75 bucks,
by the way.

- Oh, thank you.

What about Glenn?

- There's not enough money
in the world.

- [beat-boxing]

This is so stupid.

All of these videos
are stupid.

Not everything
needs to be documented.

Look at where I am!

Look at what I ate
for lunch today.

Nobody cares!

We're all becoming these
narcissistic attention whores.

How about we actually--
- Okay, at some point

she's gotta see the rats.

- Well, you know what?
Watch, don't watch,

I don't care.

But if you like what you saw,
you can follow me on Snapchat,

Instagram, and Twitter
on @Cloud9AmyD.

- I don't think
she saw the rats.

- I don't think so.

- I am really looking forward
to this, Mateo.

I don't get to take my
employees to lunch very often.

- Well, only the lucky ones,
I guess.

- Yeah, I got to take Jonah
to lunch once.

I really got to know him.

You know, his interests,
his background,

his voice.

- Oh?

- Hey, and since we're going
to Clayton,

you know what's on the way?

Martin Nestle's office.

Maybe we should drop by.

Unless there's some reason
you don't wanna go.

- Nope.

I would...
love to visit Martin.

- Great.

- Great.
- Great.

- Great.

- Great.

- Oh, hey, Jonah, will you help
me read something real quick?

Bam!
15,000 views!

Ha-ha!

- Yep.
- And I only posted it

half an hour ago, which means
there must be a real appetite

for smart social commentary.

- I guess I'm cleaning
the rat traps.

- Yeah.
I guess you are.

- Oh, hey, speaking of
the rat traps,

did you get a chance
to watch the video

before you posted it?

- No. Why?

- I know I never
explicitly said

not to post videos of rat
infestations in the kitchen,

but I thought I didn't need to.

.

- Look, I'm sorry.

I should have watched the video
before I posted it.

- How 'bout if we just stop
posting videos of the store,

period.
- Whoa! No way!

- Aw!
- That's not fair!

- Amy's screw up
shouldn't overshadow the fact

that there's some really
terrific filmmaking going on.

Like Kelly's.
- Yes.

- Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.

- Okay, I'm gonna
start compiling a list

of all the things
we should not be posting about,

starting with farting in cups
and rat infestations.

- Again, didn't know
the rats were there.

- Why did you have to make
a video at all?

Is it about fame?
- No!

- Murdering a clown.

- What?

- That's something that

we shouldn't post online.

- Murdering a clown?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
"Murdering a clown."

- You could just write
"anything illegal."

- Look, Amy, are you
going through some kind of

a midlife crisis, is that it?

- Is that a new earring?

- Yes, it's a peace sign.
- No.

I was just trying to prove
that I could make a video

that could get
a bunch of views.

- Does this have something to
do with Jonah dating Kelly?

- Jonah and Kelly?
- Whoa!

- What?
- What? No!

- I knew it.
- Come on.

- We were gonna
keep that a secret.

- Well, then maybe you
shouldn't have posted about it

on the Internet.

- Thank you.
- Do we need to fill out

one of those
relationship disclosures?

- Oh, I'm sorry,
you want to know if you need to

let Corporate know that two
low-level floor workers

are in a relationship?
Yeah, I'm su--

Let me call a board meeting.

- Feels like misplaced
aggression.

- Are we calling it
a relationship?

- Oh, I just meant for the--
- No, I mean--I mean--

- Are you--
- Okay, if you--

- Yeah, no. I'm--I'm cool.

- Cool.
- Cool.

- * I hear the secrets
that you keep *

* When you're talking
in your sleep *

- Weird that this is
a boogie board company.

- Guess he runs his business
out of his home?

Less overhead.

- Mm.

- [sighs]

Well, he's obviously not here,
so we sh--

- Hello?
- Oh, hello.

- Hello.
- So sorry to bother you,

but is Martin Nestle here?
- Who?

- Martin Nestle.

This is Boogie-Time Boogie
Board, Incorporated, isn't it?

- What's a boogie board?

- And 11 stitches there.

- Wow. You really do
have a lot of scars.

- Well, that's why
I switched to birds.

Chimps are very violent.

And they're constantly
masturbating.

Birds do it less.

And when a bird orgasms,

it's the most beautiful song
you've ever heard.

- That's cool.

- It is. It is cool.

Gosh.
[sighs]

You know, I'm actually
almost excited

Roger decided to fart
in all those cups and film it,

because...

It gave us a chance to get
to know each other better.

- You wanna know
something funny?

- Uh, yeah!

- I was the one
who filmed him doing it.

- Stop.
- Plus, I dared him to do it.

I was like, "I bet you can't
fart into those cups,"

even though I totally knew
he could.

- [laughs]
That's hilarious!

- I know, right?

[laughter]

- Oh, my gosh.
- [laughing]

- Well, I--I just gotta go
grab the form

to write you up.
[laughs]

Oh, but thank you so much
for sharing that with me.

It means a lot.

- Oh, my God.

- So, I guess
that's it then.

- There's no Martin Nestle!

I made him up.

I made them all up,

but I am sorry.

- See? That, I find
difficult to believe.

- Okay, what can I do
to show you that I mean it?

- Well...

Let me just
make a quick call.

- Oh, you don't really have to
clean out the rat traps.

- Ah-ah-ah, a bet is a bet,
and you won.

- Yeah, that's not exactly
how I wanted to win.

Here, I'll give you a hand.

- All right!
Let's do this.

- All right.
- Oh! You already have help.

- Oh, well, I worked fast food
jobs through high school,

so I know my way around
a rat trap.

[laughs]
- So many talents.

- [giggles]
- Your weapon.

- All right. Oh.

[both giggling]

- Okay, well, then I guess
I will just, uh,

leave you to it.
- Bye!

- Later.

Fun fact.
That is just blueberry soda.

[both giggling]

- I now baptize you for
the forgiveness of your sins!

- [sputters]

I feel it working.

- That's the Jesus!

Now, come on, I'll buy you
that magnet from the gift shop.