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1
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2
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:02,402
- [whistling "We Wish You
A Merry Christmas"]
3
00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:06,242
- Uh-uh, nope,
not gonna happen.
4
00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:08,514
- Hey.
Dina, is something wrong?
5
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,482
- You know the rules.
No religious crap in the store.
6
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,581
- Religious cr--
Oh, this?
7
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:15,823
This is just
a winter barn display.
8
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,389
- With a Baby Jesus
and Three Wise Men?
9
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,548
- That is a normal barn baby
10
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:22,257
and three men
of average intelligence.
11
00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:24,330
No, below average.
12
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,528
No, average.
13
00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:28,499
- Oh, wow.
Well, I feel foolish.
14
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,299
- [scoffs]
It's an honest mistake.
15
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,071
- I can't believe
that I thought
16
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,400
this guy was a wise man.
17
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:35,804
[laughing] What a stupid,
stupid dummy I am.
18
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,506
- You're not that stupid.
19
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,268
- I mean, I guess if this was
someone from the Bible,
20
00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:43,038
you'd probably be pretty upset
if I did this.
21
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,408
[statue thuds]
22
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,377
- Yeah, I probably would be.
- Probably would be, yeah.
23
00:00:48,416 --> 00:00:51,286
And I-I guess then you'd also
be upset if I did this.
24
00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:53,416
Oh!
[laughs]
25
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,424
His head popped off.
[both laugh]
26
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,326
- It's so much fun
kicking them.
27
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,088
- Isn't it?
- Yeah.
28
00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:01,127
- Guess that brings us
to this little gentleman.
29
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,262
- Okay, could you just--
30
00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:03,556
- Born with a simple destiny...
31
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:06,227
to be punted
across a Cloud 9 store.
32
00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:09,567
- She...could...go...
all...the...way!
33
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,643
- Wait, give me that!
That's Baby Jesus!
34
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,572
That is sweet
little Baby Jesus!
35
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:16,177
You leave him alone,
you monster!
36
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:18,180
- They're all dolls, Glenn.
37
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:21,182
[upbeat music]
38
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:22,845
39
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:25,853
[bell ringing]
40
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:28,386
[quirky music]
41
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:31,692
- Come on, I don't know if
it's a bulb or a stripped wire.
42
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,285
- Glenn, you've been trying
43
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,597
for two months
to solve this problem.
44
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:35,898
I really don't think
you're gonna crack it
45
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,529
on Christmas Eve.
46
00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,465
- My grandmother would kill me
for saying this,
47
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:41,140
but I just don't get why people
48
00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:42,399
make such a big deal
out of Christmas.
49
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,266
- What?
- I mean, real talk--
50
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:45,865
Christmas is pretty
disappointing and overhyped.
51
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:47,636
It's kind of like "Star Wars."
- Whoa!
52
00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:49,305
- You don't like "Star Wars"?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
53
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,153
Can we just
one-at-a-time this?
54
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:52,209
It's not about a day.
55
00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:53,646
It's about looking back
56
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,651
on the year we shared
and celebrating it.
57
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:58,153
- Yeah, let's celebrate the
year a tornado hit the store.
58
00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,686
- My entire apartment
got destroyed.
59
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,420
- I got a really
annoying roommate,
60
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,555
and he won't leave.
- I got a divorce.
61
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,491
- My boyfriend wound up
in a coma.
62
00:02:05,526 --> 00:02:07,726
- I am looking for a place.
- Not looking hard enough.
63
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,901
- It's just a sucky year.
- The doctors aren't sure
64
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,630
if he'll ever even--
- Cheyenne, can I have
65
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:14,265
the voltage tester, please?
- But I do have to say
66
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:15,902
I'm looking forward
to next year.
67
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:19,336
I really feel like it's time
to just start living life.
68
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:20,943
You know?
Like, I don't know.
69
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,644
I feel like I can get wilder.
- Oh, God.
70
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,247
You're not gonna cut
your hair again, are you?
71
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:27,249
- No.
I mean, maybe.
72
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,521
I don't know.
I just mean, like...
73
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:32,220
finally taking those
motorcycle lessons,
74
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,693
or skydiving,
or, like,
75
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,261
maybe I'll get a tattoo.
- [snorts]
76
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:38,930
[laughter]
- Okay. Okay.
77
00:02:38,959 --> 00:02:40,929
- There's just no way
you're doing any of that.
78
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:44,401
- I'm serious. I-I'm going to
unleash crazy Amy.
79
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,232
[chuckles]
80
00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,767
You guys can call me "Craymie."
- Uh, no, thanks.
81
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,642
- Cray...
- Not doing that.
82
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,541
Amy, Craymie.
- Mm-hmm.
83
00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:54,583
- All right,
well, that was just a idea.
84
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,438
- Feels forced.
85
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:59,977
What a bright time,
it's the right time
86
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:03,553
To rock the night away
87
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:04,554
Jingle bell--
88
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,285
[bell ringing]
89
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,620
- Oh, dear God,
it's cold out here.
90
00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:09,285
- You're telling me.
91
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,433
- Well, it's, uh,
toasty inside,
92
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:13,359
and you're not really getting
any foot traffic anyway.
93
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:16,234
So would you mind
stepping away from the door?
94
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,704
- I'm sorry?
- You keep activating
95
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,571
the automatic doors
and letting the heat out.
96
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,300
Also, the bell ringing--
could you slow it down?
97
00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,766
Right now you're at a bell,
two, three, four.
98
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,535
Why don't you try a bell...
99
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:27,714
two...
100
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:30,341
three... four?
101
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:34,348
I only ask you because
it's--it's just so annoying.
102
00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:36,482
- Okay.
- Thanks.
103
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:39,447
Who's a good boy?
104
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:43,457
- I think I saw the raccoon
feces somewhere around--
105
00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:47,331
Oh! Did someone
leave hot cocoa
106
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,431
in the middle of the store...
107
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:53,334
with double the amount
of cocoa powder?
108
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:55,397
It's so Christmas, huh?
109
00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:57,336
- Listen, Glenn, I know
what you're trying to do.
110
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,411
But I'm actually trying to
limit my carbs right now.
111
00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,510
So just--
- Just try it.
112
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,312
- No, I don't want to.
- Try the cocoa.
113
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,654
- No.
- It's from Santa Claus.
114
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:09,548
- Glenn.
- Okay, fine. I'll go first.
115
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:12,523
It's actually scalding hot,
so maybe give it a minute.
116
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:15,493
[Muzak playing]
117
00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,633
*
118
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:19,358
- [sighs]
Oh, great.
119
00:04:19,393 --> 00:04:21,703
Narc alert.
- Oh, it's the fun police.
120
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,599
- Time to get written up.
- Mm-hmm.
121
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,401
- Why would you just assume
I'm gonna turn you in?
122
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,073
- I mean,
it's nothing personal, but--
123
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,300
- Yeah, you just always act
all lame and stuff.
124
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,637
Like a narc.
- Yeah, that's a good way
125
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,411
of putting it.
- I don't understand
126
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,580
why everyone thinks
I'm this little boring--
127
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:39,379
All right, well,
would a narc do this?
128
00:04:39,413 --> 00:04:40,783
[clears throat]
129
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,584
- That was the tiniest sip
I've ever seen.
130
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:44,076
- It feels like what
a narc would do
131
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,547
to prove they're not a narc.
- Yeah.
132
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:47,686
- Okay, well,
how about this?
133
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:50,891
[gulping]
134
00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:54,434
- I mean, now you're just
stealing my alcohol.
135
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:55,762
- Ugh.
136
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,866
- Oh, hey, man.
Merry Christmas.
137
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,639
- Oh, wow.
Thank you, Garrett.
138
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:04,369
This is--
[stammers]
139
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,335
I know things have been
a little tense lately.
140
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,675
And I guess, you know,
when you work with someone
141
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:12,580
you also live with,
things can be a little--
142
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,623
Oh, is that a--
is this a bath mat?
143
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,548
- Yeah, I just figured it'd be
something you could use
144
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,715
based on the puddles
by the shower.
145
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:23,463
- Well, this is awesome.
- Yeah, right?
146
00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:24,861
- Thank you.
147
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,792
You know, I haven't bought
your gift yet.
148
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,897
- Oh, not necessary.
- But I was thinking, you know,
149
00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,559
what about noise-canceling
headphones?
150
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:31,898
You know?
So you don't--you don't have
151
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:33,602
to keep banging on the wall
152
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,144
every time I make
the tiniest peep.
153
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,138
- Or you could save some money
154
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,940
and just quit it with the
harmonica lessons on YouTube.
155
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,782
That would be a gift.
- Ha! Yeah.
156
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:43,709
Yeah, it would be.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
157
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,484
- Oh, it could be.
- Uh-huh.
158
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:46,913
It could be.
- Yeah.
159
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,447
- Ah, anyway, good talk.
- Oh, great talk.
160
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,393
- Incredible talk.
- Marvelous talk.
161
00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:53,649
- Awesome talk.
I'm out of earshot.
162
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,857
- And then another time,
I thought Jerry came
163
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,429
out of his coma and winked
at me,
164
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,689
but turns out,
it was just a muscle spasm
165
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,128
from low folic acid.
166
00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,832
- Uh-huh.
- Did you check the twitch
167
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,474
for Morse Code?
He could have been telling you
168
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,739
to stop talking,
or it's possible
169
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:09,538
he's in so much pain,
he's just begging anyone
170
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,170
to pull the plug.
I think that's what it was.
171
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:14,584
- Yo, yo, yo.
Cheer up, losers!
172
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:17,748
It's Christmas!
- What are you doing?
173
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:20,908
- Turning this into a par-tay.
- Uh-oh!
174
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,778
- Oh!
- Yeah!
175
00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,846
- I have ecstasy in my car.
- We'll start here
176
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,685
and then see where
the day takes us.
177
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,590
Spread the word, bitches.
Craymie in the house!
178
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:32,493
- Yeah, go, Creamy!
Go, Creamy!
179
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:34,626
Creamy is here!
[laughs]
180
00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:38,832
- Who's Creamy?
- I don't--uh...
181
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:41,869
.
182
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:42,642
- Out of all the reindeer
183
00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,942
You know you're
the mastermind
184
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:51,454
Run, run, Rudolph, Randolph
ain't too far behind
185
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:52,649
- Oh!
- Yes!
186
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,920
[bell ringing]
187
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:56,478
- All right, listen,
it is dangerously
188
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,487
cold out here,
and I cannot turn
189
00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:00,649
a blind eye to this,
not on Christmas.
190
00:07:00,688 --> 00:07:02,588
- Thank you.
- Come on, little buddy.
191
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,123
You'll be warm inside.
192
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:08,497
Bell...two..three...four.
193
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:10,529
- You just didn't
know me before.
194
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:13,934
Like, before I was married,
when I was in high school,
195
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,597
I was... [scoffs] wild.
196
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,166
[laughter]
197
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:20,974
Uh, I was, you guys.
I was a teen mom.
198
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:23,178
- Yeah, but weren't you 19?
- Still a teen.
199
00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,210
- In some countries,
that's considered late.
200
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,105
Angola, for instance.
201
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,247
- Okay, well, we're not
in stupid Angola, Marcus.
202
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,122
- Uh, good,
'cause you wouldn't last
203
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,491
five minutes there.
- No, you guys, I'm serious.
204
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,621
I used to, like,
shoplift bulk candy
205
00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:38,686
and, like, run,
and one time I stole a car.
206
00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:41,156
- Yeah.
[laughter]
207
00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:43,064
Okay.
- No, you guys, I did.
208
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:44,996
It was 10th grade.
209
00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,002
I took my math teacher's Kia,
210
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:50,144
drove it to the Burger King,
got some French toast sticks,
211
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,270
and then I just left it there--
like, bounced.
212
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,235
- The French toast sticks
were a little too specific.
213
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,684
But nice try.
214
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,709
- Yeah,
you would never do that.
215
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,145
- No, I did do that.
216
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,609
You know what?
I could call Adam.
217
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:01,948
He'll tell you
the whole story.
218
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,122
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
219
00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:06,290
Call him.
- Okay. I will.
220
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,889
And then we'll see who's crazy.
221
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,893
- I had a ton
of friends in high school.
222
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,525
[line trilling]
It was awesome.
223
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,701
- Amy?
- Adam, hi.
224
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:17,929
Yeah, it's Amy.
Um, okay, so...
225
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,095
tell everyone about that
one--do you remember--
226
00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,303
- Start a fire, or--
- Shh, shh.
227
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:25,065
- Who was that?
- Uh, that's, uh--
228
00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:28,035
That's Bridgett.
Emma's friend Crystal's mom.
229
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:30,235
- Wait, Crystal's over?
I thought Emma was away.
230
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:33,747
- No, I'm at her place.
Um, what did you want?
231
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,119
- Nothing.
Merry Christmas.
232
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,124
- Ha ha.
Chickened out.
233
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,626
Couldn't even ask
about the car.
234
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:45,958
- [chuckles]
235
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:47,133
[ball clatters]
- Boom!
236
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,630
Oh, yes, yes!
- Ugh!
237
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:52,933
["Feliz Navidad" playing]
238
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:56,636
* Feliz Navidad,
próspero año y felicidad *
239
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,140
You see all the dirt,
grime, and gum?
240
00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,071
That gets on the bottom
of your shoes,
241
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,077
and then you put
your shoes on my couch.
242
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,779
- Which is why
I lay my shoes on their side
243
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:07,212
so that the soles
don't touch the fabric.
244
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:08,777
- Oh, you know, I think
you're working too hard.
245
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,576
Why don't you just
take off your shoes?
246
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:12,088
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, guys?
247
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:13,689
There's a dad here
with his kid,
248
00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,221
asking where
the store Santa is.
249
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,085
- Tell him to check
the drunk tank.
250
00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:20,034
Apparently Santa's Christmas
cheer level was at a .08.
251
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,260
- Maybe Santa has to drink
because Mrs. Claus
252
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,255
won't get off his back
about shoes on the couch.
253
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,997
- Call me Mrs. Claus
one more time.
254
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:29,273
- Guys, they drove
an hour to get here.
255
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,672
- [sighs]
256
00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:34,265
- Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
257
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:38,377
- Merry Christmas from me, too.
I'm an elf.
258
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:41,051
- Well, I've come up with my
New Year's resolutions--
259
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:43,121
more birds, more sex,
more Judo.
260
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,220
And I'm gonna try to pepper,
"Yas, queen,"
261
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,352
into conversation more--
I think it's time.
262
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:49,117
- We're checking out that skank
263
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,116
that Amy's ex-husband
is sleeping with.
264
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:53,728
- No, uh-uh. We don't know
that they're sleeping together.
265
00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:56,161
There's a lot of reasons he
could be at that skank's house.
266
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:58,796
Oh, there she is.
- Mmm.
267
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,232
- [snorts]
Always, like, lurking around,
268
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,398
waiting for a dad
to come on the market.
269
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:06,266
- Yeah, she's so...
270
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:08,376
both: Basic.
271
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,278
- Adam got with that?
272
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:12,380
Guy's fighting above his
weight class.
273
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,212
Good for him.
274
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,418
- Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
275
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,291
Rockin' around
the Christmas tree
276
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:22,821
Have a happy--
277
00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,756
- I've never done it before,
278
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,132
but I could use
triple the powder.
279
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,130
- Glenn, it's not like
I hate Christmas or anything.
280
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:30,762
It's fine.
- "Fine"?
281
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:36,098
So "Winter Wonderland"
is okay, and--
282
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,106
You want to see what Christmas
is all about?
283
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,138
Come here.
- Glenn--
284
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:42,183
- Excuse me.
285
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:44,309
You seem to have been
bitten by the Christmas bug.
286
00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,684
- Sorry, we're making up
for lost time.
287
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:48,184
- Oh, no, no, no. Kiss away.
288
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:51,175
It must be Christmas moments
like this
289
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,218
that get you
through your next tour.
290
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,463
- Oh, there won't be
a next tour.
291
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,788
- Oh?
- Tell him why, Hank.
292
00:10:57,825 --> 00:11:00,185
- I...
293
00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:03,327
Okay, I was smoking something
I did not know was meth.
294
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,303
- Okay.
- Then somehow my gun
295
00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:07,102
ended up going off
and shooting a service animal
296
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:08,774
at close range.
- Oh, God.
297
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:10,402
- He's got a tiny limp.
He's fine.
298
00:11:10,437 --> 00:11:12,437
- I bet he's loving it.
- W-wait.
299
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,242
It's still a Christmas miracle
300
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,344
that you're home for the birth
of your baby.
301
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:18,906
- The birth of a baby, anyway.
- Hank.
302
00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,806
- I've been gone a year,
Samantha.
303
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,818
- Hey, uh, thank you
for your service.
304
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,480
- It's a delayed fetus!
305
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,117
- I Googled that! No results!
- We have to go.
306
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:27,493
- There's cocoa in aisle nine.
307
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:29,420
- Your brother
wasn't even in town.
308
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,216
- Should I tell you
what I want?
309
00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:33,088
- Yeah, that's a great
place to start.
310
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,426
Uh, were you good this year?
- Yes.
311
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,502
- And would you like Santa
to bring you a real gift
312
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,870
or a passive-aggressive one?
313
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,240
- Well, that depends.
Did you put your water glasses
314
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,869
back in the sink,
or are there 100 of them
315
00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,744
on your night stand?
- Come on, guys.
316
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,243
- That's so funny,
'cause I seem to remember
317
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:48,814
Santa saying,
"Make yourself at home."
318
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,512
But I guess--
- Elves don't talk.
319
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,513
- Oh, right, of course,
because if we do, Santa...
320
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,775
bangs on the wall
for us to shut up.
321
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,375
- Now say, "Candy canes!"
322
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:58,116
- [together] Candy cane!
[camera shutter clicks]
323
00:11:58,151 --> 00:11:59,451
- I mean, it's just--
It's messed up.
324
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,316
- It is so messed up.
- You know what?
325
00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:04,194
I'm just gonna say it.
Men are from Mars.
326
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:05,394
I just came up with that.
327
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,155
- Oh, yes!
- Boom, boom.
328
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:08,864
- Do you know what I feel like
I should do?
329
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:11,926
I feel like it's a good idea
to, like, go down there.
330
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:15,295
Go to her place.
- To Bridgett's house?
331
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,265
- Yeah. That's exactly
what I was thinking.
332
00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:21,984
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
You should not go over there.
333
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,179
We should all go over there.
334
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:25,881
- Yes.
- To Bridgett's house?
335
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,313
- Yeah, just always assume
336
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:28,547
we're talking
about Bridgett's house.
337
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:31,521
- Yes, let's do it.
- Okay.
338
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,421
Oh, but how are we
gonna get there?
339
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:36,393
Because I try not to drive
if I've had more than six.
340
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,293
- Oh, yeah,
I should not be getting
341
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,225
behind the wheel
of a car right now.
342
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,900
[B. Lloyd's "Heavy"]
343
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:43,229
- The next level
344
00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:46,233
[all screaming]
345
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,466
346
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,240
- Later, suckers!
- We're free!
347
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,541
- Whoo!
348
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:57,140
.
349
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:57,507
[horn honking]
350
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:01,482
- This is just like the movie
"Wild Hogs."
351
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,424
- What?
- "Wild Hogs"!
352
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,090
- Okay.
- And we're sure this is
353
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:08,489
faster than walking?
354
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,955
[ball clatters]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
355
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,855
Who wants to do Adderall
off my boobs?
356
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,427
I just crushed it up.
357
00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,025
- Kind of in the middle
of a game here.
358
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,097
- Okay.
359
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,404
- Mmm!
- Okay.
360
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,574
- This is it--
the vulture's nest.
361
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,837
- Whoa.
Look at all this stuff.
362
00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:32,207
- Three owls?
News flash--
363
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,845
owls are
notoriously solitary.
364
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,582
- Three-owl bitch.
- All right.
365
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:39,116
I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna go knock on the door.
366
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,492
- Great, and then what?
367
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:44,520
- And then...
368
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,487
Adam opens the door,
and then I get to see
369
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,096
the look on his face.
- Yas, queen!
370
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,129
- Yes!
- I bet it's gonna be all like,
371
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:54,974
"Whoa, you're a crazy stalker.
I'm scared."
372
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,536
- Oh, my God.
This is a mistake.
373
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,914
- Uh, a mistake that we're
gonna laugh about one day.
374
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,254
- But not today.
375
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,948
- Oh, no, no, no.
Today's gonna be a mess.
376
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,219
- We got to go.
We got to go.
377
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,021
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Oh!
378
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:14,493
- Okay.
- Get out of here.
379
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:15,961
[cart beeping]
380
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,459
Oh, my God.
My battery's dead.
381
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,960
- Mine too.
- Hey, jump on with me.
382
00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:21,032
I still got some juice.
- Okay.
383
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,931
- Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
- What?
384
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,663
- The max capacity
for the basket is a buck-fifty.
385
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,227
- What, are you kidding me?
I don't weigh 150 pounds.
386
00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:28,567
- If you say so,
but I'm weighing you
387
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,571
when we get back.
- Amy?
388
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,213
Is that you?
389
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:33,969
- Adam?
390
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:37,637
Dubanowski?
You guys--you remember Adam.
391
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,677
- So random!
- Oh, yeah.
392
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,952
Yeah.
- [laughing]
393
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:47,922
- Look, I'm sorry I called
Christmas "fine," okay?
394
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:51,115
- Look, just trust me.
When you see a child's face
395
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:53,058
light up at the sight
of Old Saint Nick--
396
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,933
- You're honestly claiming
397
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,662
your life hasn't been improved
by fajita Thursdays?
398
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,526
- Oh, you mean "clean up
my greasy kitchen
399
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:00,165
'cause Jonah thinks
he's Bobby Flay" Thursdays?
400
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:01,670
- What the [bleep]
is wrong with you?
401
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,071
- What the [bleep]
is wrong with you?
402
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:04,543
- [screams]
403
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:08,706
- Magical.
404
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:11,211
[electricity humming]
405
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:17,947
- Mmm.
Wow.
406
00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:21,215
This coffee is...
terrible.
407
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,094
Awful.
Yeah, tastes like piss.
408
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:27,093
I feel like I'm drinking piss.
- Oh, uh, sorry.
409
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,627
- So I bet you guys
are wondering why we're here.
410
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,302
- Yeah, kind of.
Yeah.
411
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:34,631
- Well, get ready to die.
[chuckles]
412
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:36,097
Not because I'm gonna kill you,
413
00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:38,506
just 'cause it--
it's a really fun story.
414
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,008
Um, I told my coworkers
415
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,640
that I stole a car
in 10th grade,
416
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:43,244
and they didn't believe me.
417
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,546
So I just need Adam
to verify that.
418
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,508
- She did.
10th grade.
419
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,277
- Well, there you go.
It happ--it happened.
420
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:52,047
- So you drove
a shopping cart three miles
421
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,715
through
the freezing cold to--
422
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:56,523
- Maybe you should tell us
why you're here, Adam,
423
00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:59,256
with little miss tight sweater
and her disgusting coffee,
424
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,062
which if I could
just get a top-up...
425
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:03,204
- Uh, sure.
Yes.
426
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:07,770
- Um, okay.
Well, this is awkward.
427
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:12,070
But me and Bridge
have been seeing each other.
428
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:13,535
- [gulps]
- Wow.
429
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:15,283
Bridge. Okay.
430
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,578
- I didn't know if--if I was
supposed to tell you.
431
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,280
It's not like there's
a-a rulebook for this kind of--
432
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,683
- Oh, what about
the rulebook of respect?
433
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,024
- That's--No, I--
- Oh, please.
434
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,650
Do you roast your own beans?
435
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:27,024
- Okay, guys, it's fine.
Look, Adam's moving on.
436
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,594
I'm moving on, too.
437
00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:30,261
I just started taking
skydiving lessons.
438
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:33,230
So we're both killing it.
We should go.
439
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,160
- We have to wait
for the scooter to charge.
440
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,055
- Okay, we should sit.
441
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:45,341
- You wouldn't happen to have a
scale we could use, would you?
442
00:16:45,372 --> 00:16:46,642
Forget it.
443
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:51,582
- You okay?
- Huh? Yeah.
444
00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:53,181
Yeah, yeah.
Fine.
445
00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:55,053
- Okay, 'cause you look
a little bit
446
00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:56,722
like a disgruntled
Keebler Elf
447
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:58,319
about to shoot
up the tree house.
448
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,721
- It's just--it's like he wants
to be mad at me,
449
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,223
so he just comes up
with these little excuses.
450
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:05,056
You know, like, he'll--
he'll take the trash out
451
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,332
when it's half full
just so he can be like,
452
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,229
"There's another thing
Jonah didn't do."
453
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,201
[sighs]
- I only take my trash out
454
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,800
when it topples over
like a Jenga tower.
455
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:14,701
- Right? Thank you.
Maybe we should be roommates.
456
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,704
- Well, I'd have to run
your credit check.
457
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,236
- Oh, yeah?
458
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,741
- What's your
debt-to-income ratio?
459
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:22,212
- I want to say...seven.
Is that--
460
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:23,842
- That is not good.
- Is that bad? No?
461
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,806
- No.
- Well, I ran into
462
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:28,245
a lot of trouble with my, uh,
Eddie Bauer Discover card.
463
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,821
College.
- Yeah.
464
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:35,760
- * Just like the ones
I used to know *
465
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:38,728
*
466
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:40,758
- Well...
- Yep.
467
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:44,103
- That was mortifying for you.
- Mm-hmm, I was there, Dina.
468
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,771
["Winter Wonderland" playing]
469
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:48,368
- Wow. I don't know
what the hell that was.
470
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,341
- Okay, that was crazy.
471
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:53,110
- What are you doing?
- I told you.
472
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:55,680
I'm Craymie.
Year of Craymie!
473
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:59,248
Quick, take something!
Hurry, come on!
474
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:00,649
Go, go!
475
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,450
476
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,193
- Go, go, go, go!
477
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,448
- Go, go!
- Don't fail me now!
478
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:08,757
- Go!
- There I go!
479
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:10,118
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
480
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,727
- Yas, queen!
481
00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:19,472
.
482
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:20,069
- I took this from the lawn
483
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,401
of my ex-husband's girlfriend!
484
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,267
all: Whoo!
485
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:28,907
[laughter]
486
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,911
- So you put water
in his shampoo?
487
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,353
- I was diluting it
to make more, okay?
488
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:35,180
- Oh, God. [laughs]
489
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:37,615
- Wow, I am the worst
roommate ever.
490
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,590
- I mean,
I wouldn't call you great.
491
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,489
- Yeah.
- But at least...
492
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:45,192
Nope, I got nothing.
[both laugh]
493
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,195
- Jeez.
Maybe my Christmas present
494
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,898
to Garrett should be
a night off from me.
495
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,599
- Well, I know this dive bar
496
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,531
that's open all night
Christmas Eve.
497
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,196
They have a pool table
498
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:56,695
and one of those
video poker machines...
499
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,266
- Oh.
500
00:18:58,305 --> 00:18:59,865
- That's just sexual
for no reason.
501
00:18:59,906 --> 00:19:01,566
- Oh, well,
that sounds festive.
502
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:03,378
- [laughs]
- Yeah, I could--
503
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:05,710
I could stay at, like,
a creepy motel nearby.
504
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,215
- Yeah, yeah,
or, I don't know,
505
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,478
maybe we'll hit it off,
and you'll end up at my place.
506
00:19:10,517 --> 00:19:12,687
[both laughing]
507
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:18,461
- And since
we've no place to go
508
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:21,691
Let it snow, let it snow,
let it snow
509
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:24,328
- So you guys stole
her lawn ornaments?
510
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:26,374
- Mm-hmm.
- Girl, you are getting crazy.
511
00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:29,939
- I told you guys.
I am a psycho.
512
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:33,239
- Oh, yeah, you got to let
Craymie out more often.
513
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,973
But call her something else,
514
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,277
'cause that name sucks.
[laughter]
515
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,580
- What's wrong with Craymie?
- Hey, man, I'm gonna--
516
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,612
I'm gonna crash
elsewhere tonight, so...
517
00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:43,548
Not in, like,
a spiteful way or anything.
518
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:47,353
Just, you know,
uh, merry Christmas.
519
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:50,257
- Okay, thanks.
520
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,290
- And I can--I can just, like,
send you my--my add--
521
00:19:52,325 --> 00:19:53,485
the--the address
of where we're gonna be--
522
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,426
- I'll be fine.
- Yeah.
523
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:56,702
I'll just--I'll just drop a pin
and text it to you, then.
524
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,529
- Okay.
525
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,695
- Well, I think
I finally figured out
526
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,703
these Christmas lights.
527
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,405
See if you can still
call this "fine."
528
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,408
- Wow.
Christmas lights.
529
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,510
I've never experienced the
miracle of little lightbulbs
530
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,312
on a string before.
531
00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:13,554
[all gasp]
532
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:17,750
- Oh!
- Wow!
533
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:21,324
[The James Hunter Six's
"This is Where We Came In"]
534
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:23,364
- * I know
how it's gonna end *
535
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,430
And this is
where we came in
536
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:28,258
- That's, uh...
super lame.
537
00:20:28,295 --> 00:20:30,995
- Yeah.
Super lame.
538
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:33,700
- Old familiar signs
539
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:36,303
- Where's Jonah?
540
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:39,006
He would love this.
541
00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:40,708
- You know, I, uh,
went to college
542
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,710
on a pool scholarship.
543
00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:45,452
- Is that right?
- I'm really good at pool.
544
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:46,608
545
00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:51,316
[cell phone ringing, vibrating]
546
00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:52,451
- Hello?
547
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:56,516
[gasps] Really?
548
00:20:56,556 --> 00:20:58,586
Yeah, hold on.
549
00:20:58,625 --> 00:21:01,355
You guys!
Jerry's out of his coma!
550
00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:04,604
Is anyone sober enough
to take me to the hospital?
551
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:08,066
I'll be right there.
552
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:12,040
["Joy to the World" playing]
553
00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:14,471
- Joy to the world
554
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:17,477
The Lord is come
555
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:22,650
Let Earth receive her king
40652
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