Original subtitles

- We found him this morning.

Looks like he used to work here.

We were opening up the drywall, and Gary saw the arm.

I was like, "What?

No way, Gary. That's not a dead body."

Then Gary showed it to me.

Turns out, it was a dead body.

Who are you? Beyoncé?

- Selena.

- Who? - Selena.

She was Beyoncé before Beyoncé.

- I thought you were J.Lo.

- Mm, no.

[upbeat music]

- So, unfortunately, the body we found

was one of our employees.

[all gasping]

- Salvatore Kazlauskas.

- Wait, you mean Creepy Sal?

- The man is dead.

But yeah.

- Oh. - Phew.

- Police said he's been dead for at least a year.

- Are you crying?

- Yeah, I just...

Poor guy.

- But you didn't know him.

- But he was a human being.

- Ehh.

Sal was a bit of a...

How do I put it?

- When he looked at you,

it felt like he was grabbing you.

- Apparently he was doing some work behind the drywall

outside the women's washroom and then his foot got caught

in a beam, and he starved to death.

- I'm sorry, what "work" was he doing exactly?

- We're not sure.

He drilled a hole into the women's washroom so...

maybe he was hanging a picture?

[all groaning] - Dude.

He was peeping on women going to the potty.

- What? - Ew.

- Why?

- Well, that explains the rotting smell

in the women's bathroom.

I know we all assumed that was Amy.

- Why--why me?

- 'Cause, you know...

divorce tummy.

I'm sure there's a lot of churn going on in there.

- I have no churn. - And anyway, um,

everyone make sure that you don't disturb the body

until the coroner gets here.

- Wait, so it's just going to sit in the store?

- Uh... [chuckles]

I'm not working next to a dead body.

Especially Sal's.

- Technically we've all been working

next Sal's dead body for the past year.

Nobody complained until now.

- Oh, it just occurred to me.

That must've been Sal's foot we found.

all: Oh. - No, no.

Actually he still had both of his feet.

- Then who's foot was that?

[Halloween hip-hop music playing]

- What about Maxine?

- Nah, I don't trust anybody

who opens their eyes that wide.

- Yeah. Pass.

- I can't believe this is what dating is now.

- Oh, you're not ready to jump back in?

- [scoffs] No.

And even if I were,

I wouldn't be using an app.

I'm still afraid of PayPal.

- It actually gets to be

kind of fun, you know.

You just swipe right for yes,

left for no, see?

Oh, hello, Jessicah...

with an H at the end, wow. - Can I see?

- Okay, you just took it.

- Come on, so this is just like

a typical day for Jessicah

where she's baking cupcakes in a Rams jersey.

Come on, I'm onto you, Jessicah with an H.

Oh, this one is way too hipster,

even for Jonah. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh.

A bowling action shot?

Well, clearly she's just trying to show off her cleavage.

- Oh, gross.

- Yeah, get out of here with that.

- Jonah! - Next.

- I need your help.

- Okay, uh...

Can--can I just get my phone?

- Oh, no I'm still playing. - Right.

But it's not a game so-- - Mine.

- Jonah, you can live without

your pager for five minutes. Now!

- Okay.

- Wait, this one's just a picture of Margot Robbie.

Are they allowed to do that?

- Mm.

- I can do...

a one-eyed zombie,

a motorcycle accident victim,

bride of "Babadook," and then

this one makes it look like your head is

eating the rest of your body.

- That one's my favorite.

- Um, these are a bit much.

- Thanks.

I've getting into special effects makeup.

I'm working on my portfolio.

- Uh-huh, that's great. Um...

How about a kitty cat?

- Okay.

Another cat.

How fun. - [sighs]

Oh, God. - I know.

I'm so sick of basic people.

Not you, your mom.

- No, my cousin is getting married in the Philippines,

and literally everyone I know is going except for me.

- Aw, you should totally go.

- I can't exactly leave the country, remember?

- Oh, right, because you're...

Do you know what "undocumented" means?

Because you're undocumented.

- [sighs] This is so unfair.

Do you know how badly I want one of those Instagram photos

of the wing of the plane?

- Just for the record, I don't think we should

be disturbing a crime scene.

- Yeah, I got to go with the cop on this one.

- I just want to cover it up until the coroner gets here.

I mean, we're a family store.

I know we don't specifically promise no dead bodies,

but we shouldn't have to.

- Fine, just don't go touching the body.

- I wasn't going to.

- Now that you know you're not allowed.

- No, I just wouldn't do that.

- Uh, because I said you can't.

- Why would I--

I'm gonna let you have this one.

- Because you have to.

- All right, well, that should hold.

[all gasp]

Is this worse?

I feel like it is.

[rock music playing]

- Boo! - [screams]

- This one says "professional wanderer,"

AKA on her parents' phone plan. Next.

- I can't tell if I like or don't like candy corn.

- Oh, my God.

Is that Kelly?

- Oh, yeah, it is.

Hey, girl. Go get it.

- [scoffs]

"Just a small-town girl livin'

in a lonely world."

Ugh, calm down.

[cell phone dings] Oh, no.

What? "Match?"

I didn't--how--how did that happen?

- Well, you swiped right.

- No, I didn't.

I swiped left, like this.

- Oh, yeah, you got a little right to your swipe.

- Well, how do I cancel it? - You can't.

- What do you mean I can't?

She's gonna think Jonah matched her.

- You know what it is?

It's like eating a birthday candle,

only in a good way.

- Garrett, what do I do?

- I don't know, be honest.

Tell her you stole Jonah's phone,

and you were stalking her on it.

- Okay, that's not gonna happen.

I was thinking more like,

I could sneak up like a ninja,

take her phone, cancel the notification,

and then slip it in without her noticing.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mm.

Or...

I know this guy who works at the NSA.

He kind of owes me a favor.

I could call him up,

have him hack into Kelly's phone,

and melt her motherboard.

- Yes, call the guy.

- I'm messing with you.

- How is that helpful?

[quirky music]

- Robin. Move.

Kelly.

Hey, girl.

Um, I--I meant to ask you earlier...

um, what's...up?

- Oh, I'm just going to the bathroom.

- Oh, me too.

Sweet. Hey, real quick.

Could I borrow your phone?

Yeah, mine is soaked.

Not in the toilet, in a...

pond.

- Uh, yeah, sure. Here you go.

- Thanks. Oh, it's--

it's asking me for a passcode.

- Oh, here let me put it in.

- Oh, you can just tell it to me,

and I'll do it. - That's okay.

I'd rather do it myself.

- Why are you being so weird about your code?

- I'll just do it. - Okay, but

then just give it right back to me

like really quick. [cell phone dings]

- [giggles]

- What--what was that? What--why--

why--why--why are you laughing?

- I just...

got some good news.

Ah, here you go.

- Thanks.

Oh, um, right.

Hi, it's Amy. Happy Halloween.

Thanks, you're a lifesaver.

- Oh, I love how they put him in a uniform.

Like he's a dead employee.

[chuckles] So cool.

- No.

This is not a Halloween display.

That is a real dead body.

- [laughs] You crack me up.

It must be so much fun working there.

Okay, talk to you later.

That was the coroner's office.

A gas main blew in a Shoeland.

- Oh, God. Which Shoeland?

- Who cares? They're all the same.

The point is, they're not gonna be here for a while.

- Oh, come on.

Really? - Which Shoeland?

My husband works at a Shoeland.

- I don't know, Jodi.

I didn't ask the man every little question in the world.

- How long are they gonna be-- - Which Shoeland?

- Jodi, I can not with you right now.

I didn't even hear Glenn's question. Glenn?

- How long are they gonna be? - I don't know.

- Mind if I sit here, Mr. Bumblebee?

- Mm, actually it's the "Disappearing Bee Crisis."

You know, because nobody seems to--

It doesn't matter. Yeah, sure, sit.

- Oh, thanks.

[clears throat]

So, uh...

hey, I just want to say-- - Hey!

- Hey. - Hey.

- I thought you took your lunch break already?

- What do we got here, the lunch police?

[imitates sirens]

Take me downtown, Officer Bumblebee.

- Oh, actually I'm the "Disappearing Bees,"

so the-- - Oh, hey.

Kelly, could you jump on register four?

- Oh, I just started my lunch break.

- Oh, I know, and I'm ending it.

[chuckles] Just kidding.

- Oh. [laughs]

- I'm not, though.

Yeah.

- Sure, no, yeah. I, um...

I guess I can eat this on the way.

- Yup, that's why they're made to go.

- Oh, do you still have my phone?

- Uh-oh, phone police.

[imitates siren]

You'll never take me alive.

- What is this new cop thing?

[classic rock music playing]

- Attention shoppers:

Please stay away from the Housewares section.

There is something there that is extremely disturbing,

and it may frighten you.

It's literally horrifying.

They're going the wrong way. - Yeah.

I think the fact that it's Halloween

is working against us.

- Please, listen to me.

The Housewares section is very, very scary.

It will give you nightmares.

Turn back before it's too late.

- Okay, okay, Glenn,

I think you're just making it sound

like a haunted house, you know?

- Oh, my God, you're right. - Yeah.

- The Housewares section is not

a haunted house. - There you go.

- It is so much worse

than any haunted house you have ever seen.

- No. No, no.

- You--you--you've been warned.

- Okay.

- Isn't that the same costume you wore last year?

- Yeah, costumes are like bathing suites.

You wear it till it's just threads.

All right, Sal, let's see what you got for me.

A bunch of wigs.

Film canister full of...

I mean, it looks like baby teeth.

- Ew.

- All right, what else?

Bag of old batteries,

corpse of a turtle,

his passport.

- Oh. - What's this?

Huh.

Looks like Sal was working on a book.

"Bethany said Logan was the cutest boy at Wakefield,

and he wanted to ask me to the dance."

[chuckles] I'm in.

- You're going to that wedding.

- With Sal's passport?

- I am a master at make-up.

If I can make Elias look like Dame Edna,

I can make you look like Sal.

- Wait, why did Elias want to be Dame Edna?

- He didn't, I just did it.

- [sighs] I mean...

it would be illegal.

Although me just being here is illegal

so it kind of cancels out.

- Mm-hmm. - So...

I think...we should...

do it. - Yes!

Oh, my God, this is going to be so fun.

- [sighs] - Excuse me.

We agreed on a kitty cat.

- She is a kitty cat.

An undead one. - Duh.

[country music playing]

- She saw the match before I could get her phone.

- Oh, okay, we need to "Freaky Friday" this.

You need to find a cursed object,

switch bodies with Jonah,

have a whirlwind romance with her,

but then learn an important life lesson.

Switch bodies back.

- This was helpful. [cell phone buzzing]

Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Oh, no.

She sent him a wink.

What does that mean?

Is she, like, flirting? Is that like a flirty wink?

Maybe she's winking like,

"I get it. I know what's going on.

I know it's you, Amy. It's all cool.

I won't tell Jonah."

- Definitely the second one.

- I have to squash this

before Jonah finds out.

- Oh, so now you're just gonna

straight up "Catfish" her? Cool.

- "Hey...

"Thanks for the wink.

"It means the world.

"I think you're a great girl,

"but I realized I shouldn't be dating right now.

The timing's just not right."

There. That should fix it.

- Yeah, as long as they never run into each other

in the store they both work in.

- There are, like, dozens of aisles.

[hip-hop music playing]

- Okay, Sal, what's your last name?

- Kazlauskas.

- Can you use it in a sentences?

- My name is Sal Kazlauskas.

- And where were you born?

- South Dakota. It's great.

It's just...south of...

North Dakota.

- Good save.

In 2012 you went to...?

- Thailand.

- In 2013 you went to...?

- Thailand. - In 2014...

- It's Thailand.

I've only been to Thailand.

- Good job. - Thanks.

[rock music playing]

- Boo! [groans]

.

- Well, the verdict is in.

I do not like candy corn.

- Things have gone very wrong. - Mm-hmm.

- [sighs]

Kelly texted Jonah, and I thought,

"Oh, Kelly will feel bad

if she doesn't get a text back from him.

So I texted and...

- This goes on for pages.

- It's not good.

- "Any guy in the store would be lucky

"to be with you.

"Not just the store,

the world."

- It gets worse. - I can imagine.

"Aw, sweet of you to say that."

"Well, it's true.

You're very spicy."

- "Special." It auto-corrected.

- "Sorry, I meant spicy."

- It did it again.

- "Ha, you're spicy too."

"Well, the things is, Kelly,

"my heart wants a relationship,

"but my body can't handle one.

I'm very ill."

- I don't know.

I was just trying to make it seem final,

and Emma and I are reading "Fault in Our Stars" so...

- "The doctors don't even have a name for it yet."

"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry."

"I don't really like to talk about it.

No one here knows."

"I understand.

Sending you good energy."

Ugh. - Okay.

I know this is probably not

the right next step, but...

what if I tried to get her fired?

Or him?

Help me, who should I get fired?

["Ghostbusters" playing]

- What do you think?

- I look terrible.

- Oh, I-- - No, I mean, I look...

terrible. Like, exactly like Sal.

- Oh!

- You're a genius. [chuckles]

Well I mean, not literally, but you know.

Well done!

One ticket to Manila, please.

I'll probably just buy it online.

So... [chuckles]

[spooky music plays quietly]

- Where's the hummus? - There you are.

We've been waiting for you.

- For me? - Yeah.

Come on.

So crazy about Shoeland.

- Shoeland?

- Wow, already onto the next one, huh?

- Hey. - Hey.

- You seem good.

- [sighs] I am.

I had a bar this morning

with like 20 grams of protein.

Might have been a little too much.

- No, no listen to your body.

- Yeah.

- Oh, my gosh, be careful. Let me help you.

- Oh, no, no, I'm fine.

I'm stronger than people think.

- Yes.

You are so strong.

And I also think you are so brave.

- Thank you.

- So you'll have to do the make-up yourself

for the trip back.

Or you could just stay like this the whole time.

- I wish I could wear your skin.

- What was that?

- What? I was just saying

she had really great skin.

- Huh.

- What? - You know how,

when a person dresses skanky

then they start acting all skanky,

but then you put that person in fancy clothes

and they act like super British?

- Uh-huh. Sure.

- So maybe being in creep-face

is making you act like a creep.

- [laughs] That's stupid.

Mmm.

I just think it feels really good and firm on my tongue.

- I don't know why you don't have a gurney.

- Yeah, I was gonna get one,

but they're like a hundred bucks.

- Ah, budget cuts.

Thank you, Governor Greitens.

- So where am I supposed to put thing?

- Well, where you normally put it.

- I guess I could put it on my lawn.

- I guess.

- Chuck, what are you doing?

Did you get the hummus?

- Hummus?

both: Put the body down!

- I was just doing what you told me to do!

- What is wrong with you?

- Okay, okay, okay! - Back up!

- You back up! - What?

[all yelling]

- Okay, if I rotate Jonah on four-hour shifts,

and I keep Kelly on the loading dock,

then I think I can make it so that they never see each other.

- I don't feel so good.

The candy corn is fusing itself

back together in my stomach.

- Is that your second bag? - Mm-hmm.

- Why did you lie to me?

- I don't know what you're talking about, Kelly!

- There's a 1% chance they're talking

about something else.

.

- Is this some kind of prank?

Like, like, what?

"Humiliate the new girl?"

- How could I humiliate you?

I barely talk to you.

- Hey, guys.

Why don't we take a breath?

You know what, Kelly,

I feel like I cut your break short.

Maybe you should go have another bowl of ramen,

my treat. - No, no, no, no.

This guy's playing mind games

with me all day.

- I would never do that.

I'm an ally.

- Then explain all those texts!

- I never texted you.

- Stop lying!

- Whoa! - Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Okay, Kelly, just-- - Okay, Kelly.

It was me. I did it.

I took Jonah's phone,

and I was messing around.

And I accidently swiped right,

and I just couldn't stop myself.

And Garrett had something to do with it too.

- What? - I-I mean mostly it was me.

- Just put the knife down, okay?

You're not going to hurt anyone.

- Stop telling me what to do! - Jonah!

[all screaming]

- [bleep]!

- Aah!

Why...

did you have to use...

my phone?

[groans]

[laughs]

- Oh.

I get it.

You--that...

fake.

So funny. - [giggles]

- Got me. - Ha-ha.

Happy Halloween.

[pop music playing]

- I swear I'm a size eight and a half.

- [chuckles]

Uh, you know, it's fine.

We have a nine right here.

[sniffs] - Oh!

What are you doing?

- I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to...

Oh, God. Uh...

Oh, God.

Help! Help!

- Oh, my God.

You look adorable.

- Okay, here. Take it.

Destroy it, douse it with holy water, and set it on fire.

- What about the wedding?

- I'm not going, okay?

It's not worth it.

I don't like what's happening to me.

I need to wash this all off before it's too late.

This happened to my uncle once.

- [laughs]

Well, yep, you guys--you got me.

But to be fair there are a lot of stabbings in this store.

- Yeah, you know honestly,

you really committed.

I'm impressed. I was almost scared.

- Really? Aw.

Thanks.

I watch a lot of Lifetime movies.

- Well, I'm gonna go wash all this blood off...

is a weird way to leave a conversation.

- [giggles]

- Hey, listen.

I just wanted you to know that

I was really not trying to make fun of you.

It was an accident.

- It's okay. I mean...

really I should have known it was from a girl.

Guys never text that much.

- I know, right?

I just, like, couldn't stop.

- Yeah. [giggles] - I was like, "Aah."

- A lot of verbs.

[sighs]

- Well, thank you for being cool about it.

- Yeah. I mean, if anything,

I should thank you.

You kind of helped me break the ice.

- Oh.

Oh, good.

- Oh, gosh, and I just--

I really wanted to tell you that...

I love Selena Gomez.

- Mm-hmm.

- Sorry about the questioning.

Just had to make sure you were real coroners,

and not just here for hummus or something.

- Sure, yeah.

- Well, here we are.

[banjo music playing]

- And you didn't touch the body?

- Absolutely not.

[clears throat]

- Hey, buddy, want some ribs?