Original subtitles

.

[upbeat music]

- So we're--we're not sure if it's the same raccoon,

or a cousin, or just a brand-new raccoon...

Does anyone have any questions about the raccoon?

Jonah.

- Yeah, I have a question about the layoffs.

all: Yes!

- Whoa, wait. There's layoffs?

When did this happen?

- We found out at Cheyenne's wedding.

So when are your testicles gonna drop so you'll tell us--

- Hold up! Follow up question...

Why wasn't I invited to your wedding?

- We were keeping it small.

- It was nice, though. - Thanks.

- Who are you?

- Alisha. I started last week.

- Oh!

- Glenn, why don't you just tell everybody

who's getting laid off.

- Yeah, we want to know now. - I don't know.

But--but I have until the end of the day to decide.

So in the meantime, a few words about firework safety.

- No one cares about firework safety!

- Exactly!

- Glenn, it's not fair to make everyone wait

until the end of the day.

- Okay, I'll--I'll tell you as soon as I decide, but...

in the meantime, let's just try and forget it,

and have a nice, normal day.

- [chuckles] - No, in fact,

let's have the best day ever!

Okay? 'Cause for six of you, it's gonna be your last.

[upbeat music]

*

- The longer you drag out this decision,

the worse it's gonna be for everyone.

- I know, it's--

I love all these people.

- Hey...

you just take all the time you need, okay?

- I haven't slept since yesterday

- No! - Yeah.

- I can't even eat. - [gasps]

- Do either of you want some of Jerusha's banana bread?

'Cause I can't finish my morning loaf.

- No, thank you. - I would love some.

Oh, oh!

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- Look, Glenn, if you really care about these people,

then don't make them wait all day without knowing.

Just rip off the Band-Aid.

- Is that cinnamon I'm tasting?

- Taco mix.

- Huh.

Mmm.

- Amy, it's so hard.

I mean, how do I fire six associates?

- Wait!

Six associates?

This doesn't affect management?

- Oh, no, no. You guys are fine.

- It's just another example of corporate green run amok.

You know? The fat cats

keep filling their coffers--

- [yawns] - Tired?

- Bored.

- You're not--

worried about any of this?

- I just don't get worked up about most stuff.

- I wish I was more like you.

Last night, I accidently told Amy she was sexy,

and was up half the night kicking myself for it.

- [chuckles] But why?

Why would you do that?

- I don't know, why-- [stammers]

I had a few drinks.

You're not making me feel better about this.

- Oh, I'm not trying to make you feel better about this.

What you did was crazy.

That's something a crazy person would do.

- [stammers] What do I--

Should I tell her I didn't mean it?

- Definitely. Please.

Just make sure I'm there...

when you walk up to Amy and say,

"Hey, you're not sexy."

Why would you use that word? - I don't know!

Lots of people use the word sexy.

- Oh, yeah, sure.

Tons of people like hilarious, gay teenagers,

Gloria Estefan, cartoon skunks...

that's about it.

- I don't know, I feel like I hear sexy all the time.

- All of us...

are vulnerable.

Okay? That's why we, as Asians,

need to form an alliance.

If one of us gets fired, we all walk.

- Walk where?

- No, if we stick together, then they can't fire all of us.

Right? Are we all in?

Asian Alliance?

- Technically, I'm Native Hawaiian,

so can we say Asian/Polynesian?

- Ugh! Just... - Sorry.

- Have you decided which employees you're letting go?

- Why don't you try and guess who they are?

- Glenn-- - Wrong!

- No, I was saying your name.

Look, I know it's tough, but I need an answer

within one hour.

Okay? - No!

- Excuse me?

- You heard me, I s-- I said, no.

I am taking a stand. I am not gonna fire anyone!

- Well, you have to.

- Okay.

[playing Boston's "More Than A Feeling"]

- * I see my Marianne walkin' away *

- My husband's out of work, and I just got this job.

I can't afford to lose it.

- Oh, I'm sure you'll be fine.

You seem smart, and dependable...

and sexy, and-- and you're a hard worker.

- What'd you call me?

- Dependable?

- I have six children...

one of whom is messed the [bleep] up.

I do not need some overgrown leprechaun

harassing me at work.

- [glass breaks] [screams]

Uh, uh, uh!

I'm sorry, I-I-- I'm cleaning it up!

- No, no! No! Cheyenne!

That's glass! - No, no, that's a bad idea.

- It's okay, I don't want Glenn to find out.

I-I don't mind.

Ow! - No, stop!

- Ow!

- Okay, if she bleeds out, call someone.

- Ow! Ow.

- Please do not leer at me.

- Hey, Glenn, people are starting to get a little

crazy...

out there...

.

- All of us are vulnerable.

Okay, that's why we as gay people...

we need to form an alliance.

- I'm in. - Uh, actually,

I'm not a lesbian.

- Girl...

- Turns out management is safe.

Found out the hard way.

I had to eat some of Glenn's banana bread.

I'm gonna be backed up till Sunday.

Maybe I'll have chili for lunch.

Blast it with dynamite.

- Well, it's...

good to know you'll be sticking around.

- Why?

- Just something people say.

- Hm.

- I mean...

wouldn't you be glad to hear I wasn't losing my job?

- No more than anyone else.

Wait, is this because we've been having sex?

- Well, no, I just thought--

- All animals have sex!

I know what you're gonna say.

Not certain kinds of worms.

Whatever, Poindexter.

- No worms have sex.

They all have sex with themselves.

- Here we go.

- Look, how about we...

How about we rank people?

Like, on a scale from one to ten.

If you had to give Elias a number...

based on job performance alone.

What would it be?

- Elias?

That's easy. Ten.

- Okay.

Okay, so we know we're not considering Elias.

Um... what about Sarah?

- Oh! She's even better than Elias.

- Right! - Yeah.

- So if Sarah is better than Elias,

then maybe we give a Elias a nine?

- No, make Sarah an 11.

- Okay. Yeah.

- The National Weather Service

has issued a heightened tornado watch

for the St. Louis area-- - Wind speeds up to 200 mph

are expected-- - Important information

you absolutely need to know to survive.

- Not only did Lisa Rinna design

this fabulous cardigan herself,

she owns it in all 17 colors.

- Attention, shoppers.

If you are the owner of a four-door,

beige, sexy Cabriolet, your lights are on.

That again is a beige, sexy Cabriolet.

- Subtle.

- I'm just talking how I talk.

- Tell me if this is weird.

Dina said she didn't care

if I'm the one who gets laid off.

- What? That is weird.

You guys are in, like, a relationship.

- Uh, no. [chuckles]

We're not. - Yeah, but, you know...

You're sleeping together.

- Pfft, I ain't sleeping with all those birds.

[chuckles]

- You're having sex.

- Okay, yeah, sure, but why does that matter?

- Because there's usually...

you know, an emotional component to sex.

- Not with us.

- Okay, then it's not weird.

- I don't think so either.

- Okay, so...

Mateo is a 43, Mary is a 42.5...

and Cody, who grows weed in the garden center...

is a 42.

On a scale from one to ten.

- I hire good people.

- Look, there is no right answer here.

Glenn, you could walk out into the store

and ask every single person,

and they're all gonna have a different opinion.

- Okay.

Everyone write down the names

of the six people you think should be laid off.

- And you're gonna fire whoever we say?

- No, we're all gonna fire whoever we all say.

Together. As a family.

- So like a family,

we'll decide which siblings to get rid of

through simple majority.

- That doesn't make any sense.

We're just gonna wind up splitting the vote,

and then we're all in danger.

Someone just say someone's name,

and we'll all vote on that person.

- Marcus. - [laughing]

No, for real, though.

- I'll do Marcus. [overlapping chatter]

- No, no, no, bad.

- I think we should fire the sluts.

- I hope not all of us sluts.

- You're not a slut, Justine, stop trying to seem interesting.

- I mean, Sandra.

She stole my boyfriend, and she's bad at zoning.

- You don't have to explain it.

Everybody put Sandra.

- Okay, Sandra. [overlapping chatter]

- Okay.

- Glenn, I think asking for everybody's input is--

is an interesting, and noble, and sexy idea,

but it's a mistake.

- It can't be a mistake if it's what everyone votes for.

- Oh, yeah, that's always true.

- This may not be politically correct...

but let's just fire all the minorities.

[overlapping chatter]

- This is not a democracy.

It's mob rule.

- What's the difference?

- [stammers] Um...

uh, wow, that's a really interesting thought.

- Glenn, just a friendly reminder.

Jeff is gonna need a decision in three minutes.

*

- Uh, okay, I'm--

I-I just need to...

check on something...

- What? - Are we still voting?

Where'd he go? - Mine's already filled out.

[all clamoring] - There he goes. There he goes.

[Creedence Clearwater Revival's "Have You Ever Seen The Rain?"]

- * Been that way for all my time *

- Sup, Glenn.

- Oh, hey, guys.

I was just heading out to the...

[murmurs unintelligibly]

- Gorflorkinson?

- No.

- Glenn! - Hm?

- You have to make a decision now.

- Okay, fine.

I'm just gonna say it.

Unless something stops me.

Like when an angel comes

at the last possible second

in the bible!

But that doesn't seem to be happening

because that last possible second is now.

Like, right now.

Hey, welcome to Cloud 9!

Can I help-- - Glenn!

- Chris, Alex, Cody, Justine, Henry, and Marcus.

- Why? - [chuckling]

- Oh! - You wanna fire me?

Well, guess what? If I go...

Mateo goes, too.

We have an alliance.

Right, buddy?

Oh, real nice.

So much for Dave Matthews fans sticking together.

[alarm wailing]

- What is that? What is going on?

- Sounds like a prison escape.

- No, guys. It's Color Wars.

- No, it's a tornado warning!

- [gasps] - All right.

Everybody stay inside.

We are gonna lock this place down.

- Okay...

how funny would it had been

if that siren had come ten seconds earlier!

.

- Everyone should find a place to take shelter until

the tornado either passes,

dissipates, or hits us head on.

[overlapping concern] - Which is not going to happen!

This is just a warning.

We're gonna be fine.

- Oh, sorry, I didn't realize you were a magical gypsy

who could tell the future.

She isn't.

- What do we do if the tornado hits us?

- Uh, what do we do if the tornado hit us?

I'm not sure, maybe get blown away by it?

- No, no, you hide under a doorway.

- No, no, no. That's an earthquake.

- Actually, they say you're not supposed to do that anymore.

- Who cares what they say not to do

for something that's not happening.

- They say that you should go towards the eye of the storm.

- Where's the eye of the storm, Amy?

- I don't know. - That's what I thought.

- Tell someone you trust.

- Oh, Cheyenne, that's only if the tornado's molesting you.

- Okay, this is exactly why I said

we needed to do tornado drills, Glenn.

- Okay, well, we'll do a tornado drill

right now, Dina. - Great!

- Okay, this is just a drill!

Everyone grab a clutch buddy!

- Oh, get off me.

- No-- - Hold on to me.

[overlapping chatter] - Don't even think about it.

- Get off me! - I am saving your life.

- I don't wanna be saved by you!

[Creedence Clearwater Revival "Who'll Stop The Rain"]

- * Caught up in the fable

* I watched the tower

- Bo, I just want to let you know that

there's a tornado warning, and...

in case I don't make it, I want you to make sure that

Harmonica becomes an actress.

- I'm okay for now, but if something is to happen...

Crackers, Harriet, Mr. Beaks...

I want you to open the cages.

I know you know how...

I've known for months.

- And, uh, I just wanted to make sure that Emma's okay.

Uh, and you, obviously, you, too.

I still, you know...

I mean, no matter what...

anyway.

- Hi, Jerry.

I'm just calling to let you know that

you should probably get tested.

There are, like, ten guys here who say that

Sandra gave them herpes.

- [exhales]

Oh, hey.

This kinda puts things in perspective, huh?

Makes getting fired seem not so bad.

- I had just saved up enough money

to put doors back on my car.

- Well, if you got the money, you can still do it.

- No. 'Cause all that money's gonna have to go towards food.

And movies.

- What happened to our Catholic alliance?

You lied to me.

- Don't take it personally.

I'm not here to make friends, Cody.

Hate the game, not the player.

You get it.

- Nobody loves you.

You're gonna die alone.

- Shut up.

- I got a helmet for when stuff starts flying around.

There was one extra. Who wants it?

- Oh, me. - I'll take it.

- Hmm, guess we'll have to flip for it.

- Well...

who do you want to have the helmet?

- It doesn't matter to me.

Why is everything I have from Dave & Buster's?

- All right, so you have a chance to give somebody

a better shot at surviving a tornado,

and it makes zero difference to you

if that person is me, or--

- Alisha. - Hey, Dina.

both: Nice to meet you.

- I heard good things about your interview!

[both chuckling] - I tried.

- What?

- Well, nothing, just...

flip the coin.

- I don't wanna die in a Cloud 9

surrounded by diarrhea medicine.

- Well, you know, [stammers]

we're in a safe place.

You know, you're supposed to stay away

from south and west walls,

and you're never supposed to hide under an overpass.

That's-- that's just a myth.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm just talking to comfort you.

Is it working? - No, not really.

- Okay, I'll keep talking.

- Okay.

- I mean, the thing about this structure is--

[stammers] It's really solid, you know?

It's very strong, it's very sturdy.

It's...

- It's very sexy.

- I...

think I might be the only one who could pull that word off.

[fixtures creaking] - [gasps]

- Oh, that's-- that's just, um...

that's just the grid.

Uh, recalibrating.

- We're gonna die in a Cloud 9 surrounded by diarrhea medicine.

- Well...

we should keep talking so those aren't your last words.

- * It's the final countdown

*

- [uncomfortable laughter]

I'm sorry, I'm a little nervous.

- Hey, let's all sing a song.

* Cantaloupe's on the fence post *

* Horsey's in the barn

Everybody!

[all singing] * Flapjack's on the table

* Grandpa's spinning a yarn

- Average tornado warning is 13 minutes.

So in about...

four minutes, we'll be fine.

[thunder rumbling] Or, you know...

not.

- You suck at being comforting.

- We're gonna be fine.

[explosive boom] - [shrieks]

[heavy breathing]

- Excuse me.

These razors say two for one,

but do they mean two razors, or two packs of razors?

'Cause there's-- there's two per pack.

- Just--just take the-- the one pack, then.

- The one pack? - Yeah.

- But there's two in there.

See, this is the thing.

[wind blowing]

- Oh, [bleep].

.

[wind howling]

[crashing and rumbling]

- Dear Lord Jesus,

in your infinite power and compassion,

please save us from destruction.

Thank you, Jesus, thank you. - [whimpering]

[crashing and rumbling]

- Dear...

Jewish God, in your infinite power--

- The festive designs from Caribbean designer

Agwe Urgellés were inspired by accounts of real-life mermaids.

- Amy, come on!

[crashing and rumbling]

- Look out for the-- - [screams]

[crashing and rumbling]

- It's messed up that you didn't give me the other helmet!

- You lost the flip!

- There shouldn't have been a flip, you psycho!

- Why?

- Because there's an emotional component to sex!

- [uncomfortable laughter] - Buddha, if you speak English,

in you infinite power and compassion, please--

- We're all gonna die!

- Come on! Run! Run!

[crashing and rumbling]

- Wait! Wait!

Sandra!

Please help!

- I love you, Jeff!

I love you.

But I didn't want to die without letting you know how I feel!

And you use the word "ostensibly" too much.

But I didn't want to die without telling you that.

[crashing and rumbling]

- Ahh!

- $49.99? Can we sell it that low?

[crashing and rumbling]

- In your infinite power and compassion,

please save us from destruction.

Thank you, Ganesh.

- We're all gonna die.

[laughing]

- Dear, Allah,

in your infinite power and compassion,

please save us from destruction.

- [uncomfortable laughter]

[storm recedes]

- Thank you...

Allah?

[gentle guitar music]

*

*

*

*

- You guys, I found my green hair thingy.

- Sir, are you hurt?

*

[indistinct chatter]

*

- No death or injuries in a hit like this...

Someone out there must be looking out for you guys.

- Yup.

Someone was.

- All right, listen up!

Justine! - Here.

- Darren! - Yeah.

- Garrett! - Right here.

- Glad you're not dead.

- Likewise.

- Brett!

Brett!

Has anybody seen Brett?

No Brett.

- Guys!

Do we sell baby pigs?

I found a baby pig.

[pig squeals]

*

- Listen, um, I just wanna--

- Oh, no, you do not-- - No, just let me--

- Amy, seriously-- - Jonah, stop talking.

*

I'm saying thank you.

For being there for me, and--and for...

keeping me calm.

- Of course. You know?

Anytime.

- Mom!

- Emma!

Are you okay? - We're okay.

- The phones are down. We were just worried.

I was worried about you. - I'm okay, I'm okay.

*

- Hey! Do you, uh...

guys feel like getting a drink?

- [exhales]

I can definitely go for a drink right now.

- Yes!

The horsemen ride again!

I think we should call ourselves the horsemen.

- Okay.

Hey, let's go home. - Let's do it.

- Look out, bartender, here we come.

[chuckling] I love drinking, guys.

- My car!

- Aw, Giant Taco?

Their enchiladas are crazy good!

I hope they're still open.

Do we gotta come into work tomorrow?

*