All language subtitles for Superstore s04e11_English

- So we're competing with
all the other Cloud 9's

in the district and the branch

with the most combined steps
by the end of the week wins.

- Oh, my God,
are these Apple watches?

- Close. They're
SuperCloud Step Trackers.

- Awesome.
I was hoping to get something

worse than an Apple watch.
Yes! Thank you.

- I've actually been meaning
to get a pedometer

for my morning runs.

- Wait, you mean
when you walk down

the street to get
an everything bagel?

- It's at least a quarter mile.

- These are yours
to keep for the week.

You have to keep them on 24/7,
they are not waterproof,

and you can't get them
too hot or too cold

or they will burn your skin.
- Okay, I'm gonna

go ahead and pass.
- Don't worry.

There's a wheel chair setting.
- Oh, I'm not worried.

it just sounds terrible.
- Well maybe this

will change your mind.

The number one store wins--
- What?

- You said you were
going to do--you know...

- What is that?
- The thing that we--

The thing we talked about
in the office this morning.

- What? You're talking
about firing Hannah?

I thought we were going to pull
her aside after the meeting.

- [snorting noises]

The store with the most
combined steps

by the end of the week wins

lunch with the
Regional Vice President.

Come on store 1217!
Let's get to stepping!

- Ow!
all: Ow!

- My ankle. Oh, oh, it's bad.
Oh, it's--yeah, it's bad.

It's bad! Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Son of a buttermilk!

- So Hannah, can I talk to you
outside for a second?

[upbeat music]

♪

- What's the point
of the chat window?

- I think that's for us to text

motivational messages
to each other.

I'm not sure
our employees get that.

Brett1217 just wrote
#TheWalkingDead.

- Ugh. We are in dead last
and Bel-Ridge is in first.

That's Colleen's branch.

Oh, she probably thinks
she's so great,

walking around on her legs,
left foot, right foot.

We get it, Colleen.

- What's up with you
and Colleen?

- What's up with you
and Colleen?

- Okay.

- It's too bad we don't stand
a chance of winning.

I mean,
lunch with the Regional VP?

That would have been good
for my management track.

- You do come alive at lunch.

- I really do.
- Oh, screw it.

Let's motivate these people
and go for the gold.

- Yeah,
that's not going to happen.

We're not really
the "Get to Steppin'"

kind of store.
Remember our last fire drill?

Half the people got winded
and just didn't make it out.

- You know what?
I'm with Dina.

We're underdogs
but a lot of the times

it's the underdogs
that end up winning.

- That's not true.
They just make movies

about the few underdogs
that do.

Like, for every Rudy
there are 10,000 short guys

who just never make the team.

- I'm just saying, if you want
that lunch with the VP.

- All right,
let's see what we can do.

- Oh, look at this.

Colleen1420: Loving this
steps comp! Go Bel-Ridge!

Oh, God. Message received,
you smug skank.

- She's a real monster, huh?

- Yeah. If I had to choose
between Colleen and Sandra--

well, I mean,
I'd kill them both. [chuckles]

[Tears For Fears' "Everybody
Wants to Rule the World"]

♪

- All right store 1217,
let's get ready for stepping!

There she is!
Speedy leg Sarah!

Let's see them legs go, Girl!
Heather? Hot stepping heather?

Heather with the hot steps?

Freddy! Freddy on fuego!
Fuego Freddy.

- Mateo, I can see you.

Let's put some hustle
in it, baby.

- Okay, I don't know what
"this" is but this is cashmere.

So no,
I will not be sweating today.

- Just take your sweater off!
No, no, sir. Not you.

I was talking to my co-worker.
Please keep your clothes on.

- And getting 10,000 steps
a day reduces stress,

it lowers your blood pressure
and increases your lifespan.

- Yeah, I don't care. I don't
plan on living past 30 anyway.

- 30? You're,
um, you're under 30?

- What?

- Nothing. Wow. Yeah.
You look good.

- Come on, you have to take
this competition seriously.

- I don't think I do.
- God, you're lazy.

Why can't you be one of those

inspirational guys
in a wheelchair?

- Hm. All right.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- Are you trying to--I mean,
you're not suggesting

that going backwards
would take away steps.

- Of course not.
Why would it?

- Seriously, stop.
I know it's not happening

it's just that it's a--it's
a safety issue at this point.

- Huh. I swear that number
was bigger before.

- Fine. I'll just double
my steps to make up for it.

- Move!

- [grunting]

- Glenn, do you need help?
- Hm? Oh, no I'm fine.

Ah--it's just a little sprain
but I've got to use

this thing all week long.

Still, it's kind of cool, huh?

It's like I'm a motorcycle man.

Yeah,
vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.

- So cool.
- Yeah.

Are you sure you got it?
- Oh, yeah. Easy peasy.

Just--[muttering]
a bit of a hill here.

Am I--I'm going backwards.
- Put your other foot down!

- I can't stop!
- Put your other foot down!

- No, I can't!
I'm too scared!

- We only got a 148 steps
in the last hour?

How is that even possible?
- It's shockingly sedentary.

- Oh, there she goes again.
Colleen1420.

"Everybody's doing great!
Cloud 9 pride!"

- Oh, she is the devil.

- It's a shame this store
doesn't have a Colleen.

- I will burn my face off
if she takes my job.

- I just mean, nobody's even
trying because nobody cares

about beating some random store
locations on a scoreboard.

People need a nemesis
to compete against.

- So what are you saying?
If we start trash talking

Bel-Ridge
that's going to inspire people?

- Maybe. All the best wars
are fought against someone.

- That feels random.
- All wars are

fought against someone.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

- No, I'm saying "all" wars.

- Yeah, all the best wars.

- What are the best wars?

- 1812, WWI, WWII,
French Indy.

- Although, if they started
trash talking us first...

- Okay, what wars are you not
fighting against someone?

- War against poverty,
war against drugs.

Boom. Don't come at me.
- Come on.

[Paul McCartney's
"Silly Love Songs" plays]

♪

- "Ozark Highlands?
More like Slowzark Highlames."

- Ouch. I mean,
that's clever but it's mean.

- Bel-Ridge1420?
Why is Bel-Ridge attacking us?

- Because those guys are dicks.

They always think
they're better than us.

- Come on,
don't take it personally.

It's just old-fashioned
sports banter like,

"See you at the finish line,
slow-poke!"

[blows raspberry] You know?
- "And their pear-shaped

manager is a real looser."

- That's probably
supposed to say "loser."

They were most likely
in a hurry.

- Maybe they should
take their time.

- Well that is both
personal and hurtful.

- Ugh, I can't believe
these guys are going to

beat us at the step contest.

It just proves their point
about how slow we are.

both: Mm-hmm.
- You know what we should do?

We should all start trying
harder and beat them.

- Oh, shut up, Sandra.
- No, no, no.

Don't shut up, Sandra.
That's a really good point.

- Yes, no, sorry.
Yeah, good point, Sandra.

- Yeah, let's take it
to Bel-Ridge

and win this whole thing.
all: Yeah!

- We can do this!
Come on!

Give me a C--
all: Oh.

- Oh, jeez.

- No, no, no, no, no.
Don't help him.

He needs to learn.

.

- Good hustle, Sayid.
- Marcus gave me

six energy drinks.
I feel great!

- Great! Keep stepping.
- I can't believe

how well this is working.
- I know.

I don't want to jinx it
but I'm already thinking up

anecdotes to throw in
at lunch with the VP.

- Are you going to tell him
about the time Lionel Richie

came in the store?
- How does that

make me look good?
- I don't know.

it's just a cool story.

- Man, my heart rate is flying.

I have not stopped
moving all day.

Even when I went
to the bathroom.

By the way, we need someone

to clean up the bathroom.
- Great.

Let's keep up the momentum.

- Got it.
- Check. Sandra! Bathroom duty!

- Oh, excuse me, sir--
Can I get this in a--

Um, excuse me, do you--
do you work--

- Great job, Heather.
Walk and fold, walk and fold.

Mateo...
- Don't even.

I'm not going to get
all gross just because

Bel-Ridge said
some dumb things.

- Relax, I'm not going
to pressure you.

I'm actually really impressed
at how chill you've gotten.

You used to be so competitive
about everything.

- Well, I'd like to think
I've matured over the years.

- Yeah, totally.

Back when you started you
probably would have been like,

"Ah! When corporate sees how
few steps I'm taking

they're going to think I'm not
the number one worker."

- Wait, they can track
our individual scores?

- Well, I mean,
they didn't say they could,

but they didn't say
they couldn't.

It's fine. Even if you're not,
like, a superstar it's--

it's totally acceptable to be
a everyday,

run-of-the-mill,
average worker.

- Average? Are you insane?
[laughs]

Damn it. I have to
make up for lost time.

Stop talking to me!

- ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh,
whoa, oh ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, oh

♪ Whoa, oh, whoa...

- Look at me, Jonah.

I'm an MVP player
injured before the big game,

and I'm not even sure that,
like, my tracker

is counting my steps properly.

- Maybe you just wanna--you
wanna swing your arm,

you know, at the same time.
- What do you mean?

- Like, swing your arm as--
as you're--you're moving.

- Like this?
- Yeah, sure and then--

but then use
your other hand to steer.

- Well I'm trying that,
but that part is hard.

I mean, is this better?
- Right--no, mostly.

- Or is this worse?
I can't tell.

- You're doing good,
you're just

kinda--you're going around in
circles.

- Well, I know I'm going
'cause I'm getting dizzy.

[Lit's
"My Own Worst Enemy" plays]

♪

♪ Can we forget about...

- Come on people,
get off your asses.

If you've got time to
talk you've got time to walk.

When you sit,
Bel-Ridge wins, okay?

So let's move.
Sandra, if you're looking

for your lunch I put it
up on the roof.

That will give you
a couple hundred extra steps.

Go get 'em, tiger.
- But it's snowing,

and I brought soup.

- Elias, I saw one of our carts
down at the gas station.

I need you to walk over there
and take it back.

- Which gas station?
- I don't remember!

Check them all!
Go!

Go! Go! Go!

- Excuse me, do you have
any gender-neutral toys?

I'm trying to be cool.

- Oh, definitely. Follow me.

- Oh, wasn't that
the toy aisle?

- Oops! It was. Passed it.

Guess we have to go
all the way around.

[Hot Chocolate's
"Every 1's a Winner" plays]

- ♪ Every 1's a winner, baby,
that's no lie ♪

♪ You never fail to satisfy

- How are we still
only in fifth place?

- Fifth is good,
we moved up.

You should be happy.

- Oh, what medal
do you get for fifth?

Mm? None. What you get
is a slap in the face

and then dad makes you
walk behind the car

the whole way home.
- I am so sorry, Dina.

- We have to find a way
to make these people

push themselves harder.
- Everybody's already pushing

themselves pretty hard,
and most of them

are not wearing deodorant.

It's bad.
- I'm with Amy on this one.

I think she and I
are just less comfortable

being losers than you are.

- I'm just saying
we're on a good track, okay?

No need to overdo it.

- [sighs] I don't know,
maybe he's right.

- He could be right.

But he could be wrong.
- That's what I was thinking.

- This is just awful.

What is wrong
with the people over there?

- This has gone too far!

- Yeah. Yeah.
This is definitely overboard.

- Are we absolutely sure
it was Bel-Ridge?

We could check
the security footage.

- Sandra, they literally
signed it Bel-Ridge.

What more proof do you need?

- They used the wrong
"you're," it's apostrophe R-E.

- Yeah, 'cause they're stupid.
- Or maybe they were tired

or it was dark out.
Or whatever.

B-but they were
probably just stupid.

- Hey, is anyone else tired
of being humiliated by a bunch

of idiots that don't even
understand basic contractions?

all: Yeah.
- I am.

- You know what we should do
about it?

- Yeah,
report them to the police.

- No, no that seems
a little bit much.

We should step it up in this
challenge and beat them.

- Yeah, enough is enough!

This just got very personal!
- Mm.

- Let's end those
sons of bitches!

- Let's destroy Bel-Ridge!
- I am so sick of this [bleep]!

[furious screaming]

- Sandra?
- Yeah?

- Why don't you take
your ten now.

Okay?
- Okay, yeah.

.

- So you got up at 4:00 a.m.,
got spray paint

and shaving cream, came all
the way here to vandalize

our own store, just to get
people to step more?

- Nope. 3:00 a.m.

I had to take Parker
to my parent's house.

I told them that Adam
had been arrested

and I had to bail him out.
- I played the impatient

officer who kept calling
Amy saying that she needed

to come get him
because he was exposing

himself to the guards.
- You know,

a part of me feels
like you guys are

taking this a little too far.

- Hey man, you're the one
who was all,

"Let's start a pretend
rivalry with Bel-Ridge.

Let's do whatever it takes."
- See, I don't remember

the "let's do whatever it
takes" part.

- Whew! Hey! [panting]
Sorry I'm late.

I walked to work.

There is really no easy way
to cross a highway

but I logged 8,000 steps.

- Yes!

- I'm going to do some laps
around the perimeter.

- Go, Mateo!
- Here we go!

- What? He's getting in shape.
It's good for him.

- And really,
this early there's barely

any cars on the highway.

[Lionel Richie's
"All Night Long" plays]

♪

- I'm sending a strongly worded
email to the Bel-Ridge manager

about this morning.
Tell me if it's too mean, okay?

- "Good morning, Doug"--
exclamation point.

"I was hoping to discuss
an unfortunate matter

that happened at our store."

- Wow, you're really
going for the jugular, huh?

- Wha--is that too harsh?

- Is a knife
through the heart too harsh?

- Yes, way too harsh!

- Well then maybe
you ease into it.

Flatter him a little bit.
Butter him up.

- Okay, well, what do I say?

- All right,
just write what I say.

- Thank you.
- "Dear Doug,

I think about you
all the time."

- Oh, that is nice.
Yeah.

- "The other day I was at
the mall and I saw a jacket

and thought, 'Doug would look
really great in that.'"

- Yeah, but we're going to talk
about the vandalism, right?

- Oh, yeah. Oh, we're going
to dive right into it.

- Have you heard
the new Adele song?

- You could just hit--
do a simple reset.

- Hey, steppy-peeps.

Seeing a lot of the mouths
moving, not so much the feet.

- My scanner's not working.
We can't figure out why.

- You don't think-- wait,
do you think Bel-Ridge

could have messed
with it last night?

- No...I mean, maybe.

It wasn't broken yesterday,
and it is broken today.

- I wouldn't be surprised.

Those guys will stoop
to literally anything.

- Oh, my God. I brought a girl
back to my place last night

and after I fell asleep
she stole all my stuff.

Could Bel-Ridge
have gotten to her?

- Yeah. That has Bel-Ridge
written all over it.

- I relapsed and started taking
Vicodin last night.

- Well, you know what I like
to do when I'm that angry?

I like to take
all that anger and turn it

into pure raw leg energy.

Just stomp it out.
Try it.

Ugh. Just stick it to
Bel-Ridge, you know?

Step it out.

There you go. Keep going.
- Oh, wow.

- When I came to this morning,
somebody from Bel-Ridge

had thrown up all over
my entire body.

- I can't believe
nothing is our fault.

[pop music plays]

♪

- Elias, there is definitely
a cart out there.

Probably just rolled farther
than I thought.

Mateo, have you taken
your lunch break, yet?

- No time!

- Look,
just try walking faster.

It's probably outpacing you.

- Hey there.

Can I return an item purchased
at another store?

- Yeah, sure,
that's not a problem.

- Great, I got it in Bel-Ridge.

- Are you kidding me?

- No. [chuckles]
- [fake laughs]

A frickin' Bel-Ridge lover
wants us to take their garbage?

No, sir.
- Look, He's laughing at us.

- I'm not laughing.

- I think he's just,
like, a smiley guy.

- Thing are getting ugly.

I think we need to
turn down the heat a bit.

- No, no, no.
You got to keep the heat up.

- Hey, you know what?
If you love Bel-Ridge so much--

- Then you should marry it.
- No, dude, I was going to say

then you should
just go back there.

Sick burn, though.
You're getting really good.

Just don't interrupt me.
- It's fine.

It's--
it's totally under control.

♪

.

- The Bel-Ridge store was
vandalized last night.

all: Ohh.
- Wait, what?

- Someone broke into
their break room

and covered everything
in hot deer urine.

The smell was so bad
they had to burn their couches.

- I got a question.

How did they know it was
deer urine and also hot?

- Well, apparently
the vandals left a note

next to
a Super Soaker they used.

No one here was involved,
right?

- Uh, no. We totally didn't
cover their entire break room

in steaming hot deer urine.

- Okay, it's not that
I think that you're lying,

but your tone and your phrasing
are really weird.

- Glenn, come on.
Obviously they did it.

Marcus is always bragging about
his Super Soaker collection.

- Whatever,
Bel-Ridge started it.

- [laughing] What should we
do with them next?

Oh, we could go egg their cars.

- Oh, yeah.
- We should slash their tires.

- Yeah!

- That would just
make them walk more.

We should "I, Tonya" them.

- Okay, guys.
We're even now.

Let's just focus
on the steps challenge.

- Hey, if they didn't want
to get into a war

then they shouldn't have
started talking trash about us.

- Bingo.
- Well maybe it wasn't them.

Maybe it was actually Kirkwood
who wanted us to think

it was Bel-Ridge so that
we would fight each other

and Kirkwood could win.

- What a crazy big conspiracy
that would be

to win a regional workplace
step competition.

- Does anyone know how to make
a Molotov cocktail?

- Vodka, ginger beer, and lime.

- Don't ask me how but I can

totally get us anthrax
in two hours.

- We should burn down
their entire store

and blame it on
homeless people.

all: Yeah!
- Guys, it wasn't Bel-Ridge!

It was--it was me.

- What?
- Oh, my God.

- I am the one who posted
those messages on the board

and vandalized
the front of the store.

[disapproving chatter]

- Why would you do that?
- I wanted to win.

- Amy, Amy, Amy.

This is wildly disappointing.

- Dina helped!
[all gasp]

- Oh, you're going to believe
the admitted liar? Come on.

- Wait a minute.
So you made me take deer urine

all the way down to
their store, heat it up

in their microwave
and then dump it

all over an innocent couch?

- How do you even
think of this stuff?

- You're sick, Amy!
- No, I didn't--that wasn't--

- You turned us into monsters!
- Hold up.

Did you also lie
about corporate?

Do they not know
I'm a superstar?

- They might.
- I haven't slept.

[stammers] I haven't eaten.

I got clipped by a KIA
on the highway, Amy!

Ugh!
Excuse me.

- You look skinny.
- Thank you!

- Okay,
tell me how this sounds.

"Dear Doug, I am so sorry--"
- Whoa!

You're going to go there after
the whole deer urine thing?

You might as well just say,
"Deer Urine Doug."

- Okay, no "Dear."

Um, how about, "My--"
- Beloved.

- "Beloved Doug." Yeah.
- Much better.

- Oh, boy.
People are mad at you.

- Well, thanks for having
my back, Dins.

- Hey, you spearheaded
this thing.

Captain goes down
with the ship.

- Oh, come on. You know what?

Nobody's even
thinking about it.

That could be about anything.

- You know, I spoke to Glenn
and it turns out

the regional VP has nothing to
do with promoting managers.

- So really this whole slide
into fascism was for nothing.

- Nah, it was fun.

- Excuse me,
which was is break room?

- It's just through the doors.
- Thanks.

- The worst part about this
is that Colleen wins again.

- Seriously, what's the deal
with this woman?

Did she,
like, kill somebody you love?

- Let's just say the St. Louis
Ornithology Society

is nothing
but a popularity contest.

- Hey, who was that guy?

- Just now? I don't know,
doesn't he work here?

- I've never seen him.
Have you?

- No. Wait, you don't know him?

I mean, you were talking to him
like he was an old pal.

- I told him where
the break room is.

- Yeah,
but it was how you said it.

It seemed like it
was an inside joke.

- What would be the joke?
- I don't know.

Between you and that guy.
- Well maybe he's new.

Or, like, from another branch
or something.

Oh, [bleep].

- Whoa.
- What happened in here?

- My beautiful break room.

Jerusha made this.

- Amy, why would you do this?
- No, I didn't do this!

This was actually Bel-Ridge.

- It's true. I just got a text
from Colleen.

It says, "Clean up on aisle
'your break room.'"

Damn, she's funny.

- We need to retaliate.
- Mm-hmm.

- No, guys.
Wasn't this the retaliation?

You hit them, they hit us back.
We're even now.

- Uh-uh. We hit them at a four,
but they hit us at a seven.

So now we owe them.
Like, three.

- But if we get them back
they're just going to get us

back and then
where does it end?

- When we get them back
after that.

- He's right.
That's the natural end of this.

- Or we could just turn
the other cheek, right, Glenn?

- What, so they can slap
the other cheek?

No, Amy, you don't back down
from a bully.

- I got to agree.
If we don't hit them back

they're going to think
they can walk all over us.

- I say we all go over there
and destroy

their break room.
all: Yeah.

- Let's destroy
their whole store!

[affirmative chatter]

- I think we just got to go

with the mob on this one.

- All right, screw Bel-Ridge!
Let's go get those dicks!

all: Yeah!

- Let's escalate this thing

and assume they'll
let it go after that!

- Yeah, let's escalate.

- So should we drive separately
or maybe carpool?

- I can drive people there but
I got to go home right after.

- Should we get lunch
on the way?

- Yes.
- Oh, that's a good idea.

- My anthrax hookup
is not replying to my texts.

Does anybody else
have an anthrax guy?

- Give him a minute.
You just texted him.